Today is Friday
This post was penned on Wednesday
Here's why I chose not to post it for two days:
Upon realizing that rolling emotions were pulsing through
My train of thought during the initial writing
I decided to edit, pre-posting, rather than after posting in hopes of
Offering you a simplified view of emotional turbulence, which
I'd felt the need to clarify for myself:
Over these past two weeks, I've been getting a handle on the turbulence that's
Disturbed my peace of mind, so
Let's see if my think tank has centered enough to
Express the main source of my stress in words that
Make sense of emotional reactions, which felt so strong as to
Unseat my ability to express myself with clarity ...
First of all, let's gather indisputable facts:
You and I have come to see that a negatively focused force, whose bullying attitude has been working to dominate my mind into submission( as had been true in years past) has not been able to get my resolve to knuckle under to emotional manipulation now that I've freed my mind of undeserved guilt.
You and I have come to see that I am no longer in denial of the subtle nature of this person's tactics, which have historically resorted to—divide and conquer.
You and I understand that personal strengths, which I've worked to develop, will not permit anyone to dominate my decisions by way of mind control.
You and I know that situations get better or worse, but they don't stay the same.
And though it's true that I've been gathering puzzle pieces for quite some time, it's only recently that the bigger picture is actually assembling itself in my mind, suggesting that I can now fathom the pattern that existed between us.
You and I recognize the fact that I've learned to balance the importance of voicing my needs while remaining mindful of working toward the betterment of the community as a whole.
Though this person can no longer influence my decision-making process, deeper truth suggests that bulling words and actions still have the power to unseat my peace of mind, and if you ask how I plan to remedy that, I'd reply: I plan to direct my focus on centering my mind in order to make sound use of my voice.
As common sense suggests that I've not acquired super-human strengths, suggesting my being in need of proactive support, I've consciously placed my faith in this fact: When readiness is mine, I can depend upon the clear-headed, solution seeking portion of my brain to conjure up a positively focused plan that will foil this person's negatively focused need to divide and conquer, which, presently, leaves me feeling anxious, angry, shut out and alone. In short, I may feel stressed by this bully's need to play games with my peace of mind, but I do not fear that this person's manipulation of the truth will win the support of my loved ones, over long. And here is why I believe change for the better will come sooner rather than later.
First of all, this is not the first time this person has 'played' divide and conquer with me, suggesting that I've come to recognize the difference in our attitudes and patterns of behavior. As this is not the first time that this person has tried to turn the emotional tide against me, I have become a seasoned player. The last time I had to face an onslaught of negatively focused emotional reactions,
I took a time out to think deep until my mind created a positively focused plan, which
Made such good use of my voice as to turn the tide by approaching each person, separately, and
Once details of the story, which had been left out, were known, each person came to see that my best character traits had been maligned.
In addition to speaking up for myself, I took pride in the fact that I chose to
Fill in factual details, which cleared me of selfish behaviors, while
Refraining from relating my opinion as to why a person, who
Professes to love me, had need to put me down
If you ask why I chose to make good use of my voice to
Clear my name without turning the tide against another, I'd reply:
Had I chosen to do otherwise, my participation in this struggle for power
Would have been no different from the tactics which had been perpetrated against me
And just as I did not focus on divide and conquer at that time, the same is true, now
Here is what I've come to know about myself that
Soothes my stress, quells my anger, centers my mind, thus
Offering my spirit a lasting sense of security though
The recurrent nature of this problem has reared it's dissident little head, again:
Whenever this person, whose bullying behavior can no longer
Manipulate my decision-making process, attempts to
Rally a new team of loved ones to leave me out in the cold
I'll place my faith in making sound use of my voice to
Tell the whole truth, as needs be
And once my initial stress and fury has had time to
React in a fashion natural to mankind—
I'll feel a powerful mental change surging throughout
My entire being, as proves true, right now
As this unnamed surge of personal strength pulses through me, day after day
I find myself alternating between feeling the need to
Shrink back into myself to lick my wounds (fight, flee or freeze) vs instructing
The acquired strengths of my think tank to quell anxiety by concentrating my mind on
Lessening abdominal tension while filling my lungs with oxygen in hopes of
Recentering my think tank, on the spot
I guess you could say that while making my way through
This current period of mental transition my Line of Self Control has called upon
A wealth of inner strengths, which I've consciously worked to acquire to
Tame anxiety, born of what has become manageable bouts of PTSD, and
If you ask what PTSD has to do with heightening my anxiety, I'd reply:
This situation reawakened fears, experienced by the
Three year old child—who will always reside in my subconscious—and
Just as this child had quaked with insecurity in the aftermath of
Her baby sister's death when undeserved blame, cast by one family member upon
Another, caused family harmony to come undone, today's dissidence
Simulates yesteryear's situation ...
When, in the aftermath of my father's death, thirteen years back
Family harmony came stunningly undone
I'd not yet identified this pattern of blame
And not until this very minute did I become aware of dissidence raising its head in
A similar fashion in aftermath of my mother's passing, last year ...
Thank goodness I chose to participate in
By-monthly sessions of EMDR at that time as well as now in order to
Keep my awareness focused on my chosen path, whereby
The intelligent, well-educated portion of my brain continues to
Soothe, heal and strengthenthe injured portion of my mind that felt as though
Silent submission to a dominant force offered me safety during childhood
It's not unusual that an unidentifiedpattern of behavior, which offered
A sense of safety when turbulent times were experienced during childhood
Has need to make a conscious change before
An adult's pattern of behavior can mature—and thus does
Growth in self awareness make sense ...
Though I've not explained the details concerning the 'how and why'
I'm being bullied, today, I've worked to identify (for myself)
The reason why a certain person's negative mindset and actions continue to
Jar my mind loose of logic, and as it's been proven that
Anxiety, due to an erruption of PTSD, high jacks
The thought processor's ability to problem solve with clarity, I choose
To silence my voice until that which I feel the need to say
Feels so free of emotional static as to
Pin point the bully's verbal opinion of me as being nothing more than nonsense
And here's how this morning's bout of anxiety
Actually helped me to clear emotional static out of my mind, today:
When this morning's anxiety addled my mind, I knew better than to drive
And after having spent a fitful night, peppered with bad dreams
(Which, upon interpreting, made sense)
My power of intuition injected my mind with the need to pen
A prediction was processing through my think tank, suggesting that
My intelligence is overcoming this current bout of
PTSD more quickly and astutely than had been true, before
And so, with hopes of centering myself, as quickly as possible
I canceled my plan to breakfast with a dear friend, and
Though I'd really looked forward to spending time with my friend, who
Over these last 35 years proves true, through and through
I felt compelled to stay home and pen this post, instead
And as thoughts of safety compelled me to call to let her know that
I was having a hard time, my friend, knowing my history
Told me to take good care of myself, and
After wishing each other well and saying good bye
I felt drawn to write this post ... and while writing, guess what happened?
I felt anxiety lessen, dramatically, as this sense of 'knowing'
Strengthened my resolve to take proactive steps by way of mustering
Patience, courage and support in hopes that readiness to
Make sound use of my voice will feel inspired to express
Myself with such attention to detailed clarity as to
Free me of fearing this person's need to lead the minds of loved ones astray ...
And once a release of details uncloaks this wolf in sheep's clothing, again
Harmony will be restored to all who freely choose to see that
The welfare of the community, working as a whole, will not allow
An attitude of divide and conquer to ignore the need for mutual respect, which
Proves necessary when a group of people, with different perspectives
Grow more attentive to developing a growing sense of
Awareness, concerning self respect, all around ...
Written on Friday, today:
Upon finishing this post, on Wednesday morning, my phone rang
It was my friend, checking up on me
Upon hearing my voice emoting less vulnerability, greater strength than before
She sounded as relieved as I'd felt
As I felt centered and able to listen
My friend opened up with a problem of her own, and
Offering each other insight, back and forth, we two
Discussed our mutual appreciation for the fact that
Our friendship proves so close as to open up to each other so truthfully as to
Inject each other's spirits with strong shots of
Re-energizing emotional support, and
As we both felt recentered by the time we hung up—
I felt eager to enjoy the rest of the day—
So, after driving to my afternoon appointment, where
My mind felt stimulated to offer encouragement to
A woman, going through divorce
I decided to surprise Will with a favorite dinner tonight, and then
Much to my delight, Steven called to say that if we were free
Ravi is looking forward to coming over to
Play with Gramma and Grampa after her daddy gets home from work—
So, picture me smiling, with the knowledge that
Things get better or worse, and with positive focus and self respect intact
We can redirect our think tanks to put on the breaks instead of allowing
Emotional reactiveness to push peace of mind down hill—which, after all
Is what mind domination is all about ...
BTW, please note that your friend-in-transition figures out patterns, based in
Negativity, ever more quickly as time goes on—
Annie :)
PS
One more thought for today:
The only thought processor I can maintain control over is
The one that resides in my head
However, here's why that can prove quite a feat:
My think tank shares space with a wide spectrum of rolling emotions, which
At times, hog the brain space that my thought processor requires to
Think smart on the spot
However, once I've worked to recenter my sense of intelligence
I remind myself of this fact:
When the general has no troops, there's no war
My next post will explain what that last statement suggests about
The positively focused plan that I've conjured up in hopes of
Attending to my needs and the needs of the greater good, as well ...