Friday, February 27, 2015

1260 CENTERING MYSELF

2015
Today is Friday
This post was penned on Wednesday
Here's why I chose not to post it for two days:
Upon realizing that rolling emotions were pulsing through
My train of thought during the initial writing
I decided to edit, pre-posting, rather than after posting in hopes of
Offering you a simplified view of emotional turbulence, which
I'd felt the need to clarify for myself:
Over these past two weeks, I've been getting a handle on the turbulence that's
Disturbed my peace of mind, so
Let's see if my think tank has centered enough to
Express the main source of my stress in words that
Make sense of emotional reactions, which felt so strong as to
Unseat my ability to express myself with clarity ...

First of all, let's gather indisputable facts:
You and I have come to see that a negatively focused force, whose bullying attitude has been working to dominate my mind into submission( as had been true in years past) has not been able to get my resolve to knuckle under to emotional manipulation now that I've freed my mind of undeserved guilt.

You and I have come to see that I am no longer in denial of the subtle nature of this person's tactics, which have historically resorted to—divide and conquer.

You and I understand that personal strengths, which I've worked to develop, will not permit anyone to dominate my decisions by way of mind control.

You and I know that situations get better or worse, but they don't stay the same.
And though it's true that I've been gathering puzzle pieces for quite some time, it's only recently that the bigger picture is actually assembling itself in my mind, suggesting that I can now fathom the pattern that existed between us.

You and I recognize the fact that I've learned to balance the importance of voicing my needs while remaining mindful of working toward the betterment of the community as a whole.

Though this person can no longer influence my decision-making process, deeper truth suggests that bulling words and actions still have the power to unseat my peace of mind, and if you ask how I plan to remedy that, I'd reply:  I plan to direct my focus on centering my mind in order to make sound use of my voice.

As common sense suggests that I've not acquired super-human strengths, suggesting my being in need of proactive support, I've consciously placed my faith in this fact:  When readiness is mine, I can depend upon the clear-headed, solution seeking portion of my brain to conjure up a positively focused plan that will foil this person's negatively focused need to divide and conquer, which, presently, leaves me feeling anxious, angry, shut out and alone.  In short, I may feel stressed by this bully's need to play games with my peace of mind, but I do not fear that this person's manipulation of the truth will win the support of my loved ones, over long.  And here is why I believe change for the better will come sooner rather than later.

First of all, this is not the first time this person has 'played' divide and conquer with me, suggesting that I've come to recognize the difference in our attitudes and patterns of behavior.  As this is not the first time that this person has tried to turn the emotional tide against me, I have become a seasoned player.  The last time I had to face an onslaught of negatively focused emotional reactions,
I took a time out to think deep until my mind created a positively focused plan, which
Made such good use of my voice as to turn the tide by approaching each person, separately, and
Once details of the story, which had been left out, were known, each person came to see that my best character traits had been maligned.

In addition to speaking up for myself, I took pride in the fact that I chose to
Fill in factual details, which cleared me of selfish behaviors, while
Refraining from relating my opinion as to why a person, who
Professes to love me, had need to put me down

If you ask why I chose to make good use of my voice to
Clear my name without turning the tide against another, I'd reply:
Had I chosen to do otherwise, my participation in this struggle for power
Would have been no different from the tactics which had been perpetrated against me
And just as I did not focus on divide and conquer at that time, the same is true, now

Here is what I've come to know about myself that
Soothes my stress, quells my anger, centers my mind, thus
Offering my spirit a lasting sense of security though
The recurrent nature of this problem has reared it's dissident little head, again:
Whenever this person, whose bullying behavior can no longer
Manipulate my decision-making process, attempts to
Rally a new team of loved ones to leave me out in the cold
I'll place my faith in making sound use of my voice to
Tell the whole truth, as needs be
And once my initial stress and fury has had time to
React in a fashion natural to mankind—
I'll feel a powerful mental change surging throughout
My entire being, as proves true, right now

As this unnamed surge of personal strength pulses through me, day after day
I find myself alternating between feeling the need to
Shrink back into myself to lick my wounds (fight, flee or freeze) vs instructing
The acquired strengths of my think tank to quell anxiety by concentrating my mind on
Lessening abdominal tension while filling my lungs with oxygen in hopes of
Recentering my think tank, on the spot
I guess you could say that while making my way through
This current period of mental transition my Line of Self Control has called upon
A wealth of inner strengths, which I've consciously worked to acquire to
Tame anxiety, born of what has become manageable bouts of PTSD, and
If you ask what PTSD has to do with heightening my anxiety, I'd reply:
This situation reawakened fears, experienced by the
Three year old child—who will always reside in my subconscious—and
Just as this child had quaked with insecurity in the aftermath of
Her baby sister's death when undeserved blame, cast by one family member upon
Another, caused family harmony to come undone, today's dissidence
Simulates yesteryear's situation ...

When, in the aftermath of my father's death, thirteen years back
Family harmony came stunningly  undone
I'd not yet identified this pattern of blame
And not until this very minute did I become aware of dissidence raising its head in
A similar fashion in aftermath of my mother's passing, last year ...
Thank goodness I chose to participate in
By-monthly sessions of EMDR at that time as well as now in order to
Keep my awareness focused on my chosen path, whereby
The intelligent, well-educated portion of my brain continues to
Soothe, heal and strengthenthe injured portion of my mind that felt as though
Silent submission to a dominant force offered me safety during childhood

It's not unusual that an unidentifiedpattern of behavior, which offered
A sense of safety when turbulent times were experienced during childhood
Has need to make a conscious change before
An adult's pattern of behavior can mature—and thus does
Growth in self awareness make sense ...

Though I've not explained the details concerning the 'how and why'
I'm being bullied, today, I've worked to identify (for myself)
The reason why a certain person's negative mindset and actions continue to
Jar my mind loose of logic, and as it's been proven that
Anxiety, due to an erruption of PTSD, high jacks
The thought processor's ability to problem solve with clarity, I choose
To silence my voice until that which I feel the need to say
Feels so free of emotional static as to
Pin point the bully's verbal opinion of me as being nothing more than nonsense
And here's how this morning's bout of anxiety
Actually helped me to clear emotional static out of my mind, today:
When this morning's anxiety addled my mind, I knew better than to drive
And after having spent a fitful night, peppered with bad dreams
(Which, upon interpreting, made sense)
My power of intuition injected my mind with the need to pen
A prediction was processing through my think tank, suggesting that
My intelligence is overcoming this current bout of
PTSD more quickly and astutely than had been true, before
And so, with hopes of centering myself, as quickly as possible
I canceled my plan to breakfast with a dear friend, and
Though I'd really looked forward to spending time with my friend, who
Over these last 35 years proves true, through and through
I felt compelled to stay home and pen this post, instead
And as thoughts of safety compelled me to call to let her know that
I was having a hard time, my friend, knowing my history
Told me to take good care of myself, and
After wishing each other well and saying good bye
I felt drawn to write this post ... and while writing, guess what happened?
I felt anxiety lessen, dramatically, as this sense of 'knowing'
Strengthened my resolve to take proactive steps by way of mustering
Patience, courage and support in hopes that readiness to
Make sound use of my voice will feel inspired to express
Myself with such attention to detailed clarity as to
Free me of fearing this person's need to lead the minds of loved ones astray ...
And once a release of details uncloaks this wolf in sheep's clothing, again
Harmony will be restored to all who freely choose to see that
The welfare of the community, working as a whole, will not allow
An attitude of divide and conquer to ignore the need for mutual respect, which
Proves necessary when a group of people, with different perspectives
Grow more attentive to developing a growing sense of
Awareness, concerning self respect, all around ...

Written on Friday, today:
Upon finishing this post, on Wednesday morning, my phone rang
It was my friend, checking up on me
Upon hearing my voice emoting less vulnerability, greater strength than before
She sounded as relieved as I'd felt
As I felt centered and able to listen
My friend opened up with a problem of her own, and
Offering each other insight, back and forth, we two
Discussed our mutual appreciation for the fact that
Our friendship proves so close as to open up to each other so truthfully as to
Inject each other's spirits with strong shots of
Re-energizing emotional support, and
As we both felt recentered by the time we hung up—
I felt eager to enjoy the rest of the day—
So, after driving to my afternoon appointment, where
My mind felt stimulated to offer encouragement to
A woman, going through divorce
I decided to surprise Will with a favorite dinner tonight, and then
Much to my delight, Steven called to say that if we were free
Ravi is looking forward to coming over to
Play with Gramma and Grampa after her daddy gets home from work—
So, picture me smiling, with the knowledge that
Things get better or worse, and with positive focus and self respect intact
We can redirect our think tanks to put on the breaks instead of allowing
Emotional reactiveness to push peace of mind down hill—which, after all
Is what mind domination is all about ...
BTW, please note that your friend-in-transition figures out patterns, based in
Negativity, ever more quickly as time goes on—
Annie :)
PS
One more thought for today:
The only thought processor I can maintain control over is
The one that resides in my head
However, here's why that can prove quite a feat:
My think tank shares space with a wide spectrum of rolling emotions, which
At times, hog the brain space that my thought processor requires to
Think smart on the spot
However, once I've worked to recenter my sense of intelligence
I remind myself of this fact:
When the general has no troops, there's no war
My next post will explain what that last statement suggests about
The positively focused plan that I've conjured up in hopes of
Attending to my needs and the needs of the greater good, as well  ...


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

1259 INSECURITY'S NEED FOR DOMINANCE ...

Though I fully believe that there's no strength stronger than the bonds of love, love that stands the test of time requires introspective thought, strong shots of self respect, and compassion for the human condition, which proves common to us, all.  Otherwise, rather than deepening, love can't help but absorb tense bands of frustration, which cause bonds of friendship to weaken, over time.

It's important to note that friendship depends upon mutual respect, which is made up of self respect, flowing freely, back and forth.  This free flow of self respecting ideas proves impossible when one person's mindset remains focused on manipulating dominance over the thought processes of another.

After Will and I saw 50 shades of Gray, on Saturday night, I came away thinking:  'S&M' takes place out of bed in many more relationships than most people are consciously aware.  As for me, I choose to spend my time with those who make love rather than participating in on-going struggles for power with loved ones whose sense of personal safety depends upon egocentric domination rather than working to create a mutually respectful friendship that proves both passionate and harmonic ...

Makes me wonder how often fifty shades of grey/matter relate to the unexamined life that remains blind to its personal struggle with insecurity, based in PTSD ...

Hey!  Did you feel that sudden swoosh of wings, fluttering, near by?

Monday, February 23, 2015

1258 MUTUAL RESPECT HOLDS HANDS WITH SELF RESPECT

2015
Well, I'm feeling like posting, today, but not story-telling, yet ...

Here's a message I created for myself by condensing several horoscopes from yesterday's paper into one:  Feeling lost is not your favorite thing, but it's a necessary part of being an adventurer.  If you aways knew where you were, where you're going and with whom, you wouldn't be you.  Here's what makes other people want you on their team:  You'll take in the situation and promptly decide you can make it better (So what's new about that, for me?  Experience has taught me that there will be times when, after brainstorming for years, I have no choice left other than to take a deeper look at a frustrating situation, see what I'm missing and make changes that will prove healthy for myself, but that does not suggest my losing hope that, some day, life will offer deaf ears sound reason to tune in to positively focused attitudes, which prove healthy, all around...)  Then, my message to self goes on to say:  The reason you consider yourself fortunate, regardless of all you've been through, is because you know that struggle makes people stronger, and it's a lot better to look back on a struggle that's over than it is to feel controlled by the needs of another, forever.  Seek out steller and varied companionship, and don't take it lightly.



I'm smiling to think of my daily connection with you through my blog.  Each day, while writing, I feel your presence, and that makes me smile, like, right now.

You might like to know that that last line was copied from an email that I sent, yesterday, in response to an email from a very dear friend from high school who reads my blog and let me know how much she's missed our daily connection.  The email I sent in response to hers went on to say:

As you know, I'm feeling challenged by someone whose unhappiness is trying to stir up trouble in my immediate family, and as I don't feel free to write about this person's controlling tactics, which resort to mind manipulations of 'divide and conquer', my mind has been preoccupied with figuring out how best to work through this no-win situation so that nothing this person thinks to do, next, will invade my peace of mind.  As this feat, which I expect of myself, proves far from easy to achieve, thank goodness, I know who to go to for guidance whenever my mind is challenged to take the high road, repeatedly.

Here's one huge change that's relieved a great deal of stress during these past two weeks:  My attitude has changed, in that my mind is no longer focused on what I can do to improve this relationship, suggesting that I open my eyes and accept a truth that proved too painful for me to accept:  Every positively focused effort on my part, which has proven futile, for years, has produced nothing but heightened frustration.

Now that denial is no longer blinding my sense of clarity from recognizing this painful reality, which has been staring me in the face, I've finally come to see that this person's mindset is not looking to improve our relationship by way of enhancing mutual respect.  This person's sense of personal safety depends upon controlling our relationship, as had been true in prior years.  Now that my conscious mind has finally grasped this deeper truth, which my therapist has been coaxing my awareness to absorb, this person's mind manipulations are no longer empowered to control my decision making process.  And amen to having awakened to an awareness as profoundly self-empowering as that!

Though I don't know where this insight into our relationship will take me, next, I do not fear moving forward into unexplored territory, because history suggests that each time my mindset expands, I've always taken myself (and my immediate family, who trust my intuition) to a place that feels ever more secure to us all.  Therefore, choosing to free myself of feeling manipulated does not suggest ignoring the welfare of anyone, who agrees that mutual respect and self respect walk hand in hand.

I ended that email, written, yesterday, by saying:
Guess what, Debbie ... Your email, which suggested how much you've missed our daily connection, over these past two weeks, inspired me to write tomorrow's post.
The drapes are open, the sun is shining and I'm smiling!
Your friend,
Annie

Saturday, February 21, 2015

1257 LET'S REVISIT POST 30: IN AWE AGAIN—FOURTEEN COUNTRIES!

This post was written April 4,2011:

Today I awoke with insight streaming through my mind.

I love when that happens!!  :-)

Today I know why yesterday's sensations of awe popped out of my memory.


I experience sensations of awe each time a new country appears for the very first time in stats, highlighting where HAVE YOU GOT A CLUE?  OR IS YOUR BRAIN STILL FOOLING YOU? is being read.

Fourteen nations, so far ...

Wow! 

'Unbelieeebbbable!'


Unbelievable?  Why?  Because I'm surprised at the unbelievable amount of courage I need to muster while sharing personal details with people throughout the world, whom I don't know.


Good thing that during the writing process, my intuitive sense of personal safety remains intact as I dive ever more deeply inside my subconscious in hopes of retrieving portions of my 'voice', which I'd no clue of repressing when childhood trauma paralyzed the self assertive side of my mind from developing, naturally.


Lots of I's in those sentences.

Not a you to be found.
Why?
Because—

No one

Was to blame for my mental paralysis
Other than
The fickle finger of fate

Many years ago, when Barry was a teen, listening to

Me express disbelief at finding my articles published in magazines
This insight dropped out of his mouth—
Mom, I think you're beginning to absorb everything that you've taught us to consider about high self esteem—
And as I had lots to learn about developing an awareness about my arrested self-esteem, here is why my teen-ager's insight was right on target:

It's true that

Each adult has reason to harbor
Subconscious vulnerabilities of which
We are not consciously aware

Though I'd taught at the college for years before penning those articles
My sense of self esteem did not deepen until
My conscious mind registered surprised at how many readers valued
My trains of thought as seen by the popularity of the column I'd penned

As long as my self deprecating attitude remained unidentified
I was blind to my adult acquisition of personal strengths
In short, it's difficult to recognize change (whether positive or negative)
Taking place within our psyches, one infinitesimal step at a time

Thank goodness, Barry's insight made such good sense that

My intelligence felt intuitively inspired to set out on a quest to
Examine the sum of my traits in hopes of
Coming to know both sides of myself as a whole 

Each time anxiety, due to unidentified insecurity

Eats at my peace of mind—like a gerbil
Running on a wheel inside my head
remind myself of these facts:

Confounding problems lead me toward introspective thought

Introspection precedes insight
Insight precedes comprehension of whatever makes the problem puzzling
Comprehension precedes self confident growth

Each time I 'forget' to follow my chosen path toward personal growth

My negative attitude sucks me more deeply into a mental maze, where
I lose sight of my positive focus, and when that proves true
I ask a mind that proves more knowledgable than mine for guidance

Once my think tank has been redirected from negativity toward

Positively focused introspection, I choose to work patiently
At deepening my comprehension of a subconscious attitude of
Self depreciation, which gives birth to feelings of anxiety

If you ask why

I need to retrace these steps
Each time a sense of self-depreciating inner conflict erupts
I'd reply:

Attitude is everything, and ...

The only subconscious (fearful) attitude that I can learn to
Identify, comprehend and change for the better is my own, and
Here's why that proves true, repeatedly:

The only subconscious I can penetrate is my own

And as disassembling each layer of my wall of denial
Takes more time, patience and energy than I can believe
It's futile to try to scale walls of denial in any brain other than mine

If introspective thought deepens comprehension of oneself

Then, at times common sense suggests redirecting my focus away from
The community as a whole while concentrating my time and mental energy Upon creating change for the betterment of my mental health

As it can be difficult to know when
It's best to take care of the community vs
When to take care of youself
We've just defined inner conflict

If it's true that inner conflict breeds anxiety and

Working toward conflict resolution transforms
Survivors into thrivers then as you watch my spirit choose
Thriving over fuming and surviving, that makes me ask:  How'bout you?

:-) Annie


2015

If you ask why it makes sense, from time to time
To review insights written in the past
I'd reply:
By this time in my life
There's more stuff piled into my memory than I can readily retrieve, and
As staving off subconscious fear, born of PTSD, may be likened to
Staving off the flu bug, time and again, I need to re-inoculate my spirit's
Immune system with insight into my personal strengths in hopes of
Maintaining control over subconscious fear, which
Acting like a stubborn virus, is in need of
Being sneezed out of my head in order to
Clear the conscious portion of my brain from
Succumbing to dis-ease that renders intelligent thought lame ...
PS
In celebration of growth, 14 nations have advanced to 77 ...

Friday, February 20, 2015

1256 LET'S REVISIT POST 33: KNOW THYSELF

This post was written April 28, 2011:

What if you don't know yourself as well as you think?
What if you don't really know others, either?
What if you can't really know others until you know yourself in depth?

What if spots of subconscious self depreciation darken some of our perceptions while white washing others?

What may result if several hot spots of low self esteem go unrecognized?

What if hot spots of low self esteem create negative attitudes, which darken our perceptions until a series of misperceptions is mistaken for facts?

What if we can't tell when our negative attitudes push loved ones away?

What if we can't differentiate between what we can or cannot change?

What if we can't tell when we push others too far?

What if we don't know why we're running in circles, getting no place fast?

What might be your fate and mine when we can't accept irrevocable changes that we'd not freely chosen for ourselves?  (chronic illness, injury, pain, aging—death?)

What if existing in a state of denial keeps us caged in a tunnel, which darkens our view of reality, making clarity impossible?

What if our confidantes or counselors can't find their way to the light at the end of the tunnel any more than we can?  (Been there, done that, no more three blind mice draining my purse and energy source, thank you very much.)

What if denial blinds us to why our nearest and dearest divide into separate camps?

What if all of these questions are interrelated?

If any portion of this train of thought hits a nerve then might it be time to place your ego aside so your intelligence can work earnestly at unearthing repressed hot spots of subconscious pain in need of healing?

Or will you allow the injured portion of your ego to control your intelligence, causing you to languish in denial, where misperceptions darken your loved ones mistakes while whitewashing your own?

How do you handle those times when contradicting 'shoulds' (mixed messages) tear your mind in half?  (i.e. Speak up for yourself.  If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing, at all.  Give your children roots.  Bless your children's wings)

When you feel stuck in a confusing maze with no exit in sight
Some of your 'shoulds' may be in need of review.

Whereas perceptions of right or wrong change with the times—deeper truths prove timeless.

What is one to do when mixed messages mess with our minds?
When challenged with choices, I welcome visits from sages, like Socrates.

If some aspect of life casts a black cloud over your spirit, over long, hopefully, my friend, Socrates, will swoop down from on high to visit you as he does me.  Often times, his spirit flies through my mind when my subconscious is wakeful and dreaming while the rest of me is sleeping ... and thus, upon waking, I work at interpreting my dreams.

2015
Yesterday, during a session of EMDR, my therapist offered me a thought to consider that made sense.  After hearing me say that my sense of safety tends to come and go, she replied:
Annie, which part of your body do you concentrate on when you want to feel centered?

Without hesitation, I replied:  My brain

At that Cary smiled, and I was surprised to see her head shake from side to side.

Annie, she coached, gently, the wounded part of your ego resides inside your brain.  And when your ego feels injured, guilty or fearful, it usurps control over your thought processor's ability to problem-solve in a well-balanced manner.

Oh my gosh!  I thought.  Of course!  When my ego feels wounded or fearful, my brain's not the best place to recenter my sense of safety.  I mean, I know it's been proven that a wounded ego sits intelligence in a time out chair.

Seeing that 'I got it', Cary went on to say:
Each time you recognize the need to recenter your mind, breathe in deeply so as to fully re-oxygenate your thought processor; then, focus your mind on relaxing your abdominal muscles, where tension coils up.  As abdominal tension relaxes, the rest of your muscles and organs will, too—including the tension that constricts your thought processor when your brain's sense of safety takes a direct hit, causing subconscious fears, which remain unnamed, to awaken and haunt your peace of mind ...

As no one can coax my subconscious fears to relax but me, it pays to have a well-educated coach, like Cary, whose astute attention to detail and compassionate heart offer me reason to deem her a deeply trusted guide.

The night before my appointment, Cary appeared in a dream.  She walked into my house at the same time that a motorcycle gang was terrorizing my neighborhood.  Since I could not tolerate that kind of bullying behavior taking place right before my eyes, guess who mustered the courage to open my door, run outside, and make sound use of my voice to assert my strengths while chasing those bullies away?  Me, myself and I!  Not one part of me felt conflicted, at all.

When a persistent problem taxes my patience, pricking my peace of mind with fear of making a move that may make matters worse, Cary's steadying influence coaches me to relax physical tension although the perplexing nature of my problem remains unresolved.  And though each EMDR session costs a pretty penny, being coached to release mental tension is worth every cent spent ...

That was not my experience when Will and I spent three years time with a marriage counselor who could not get a grasp of my fears, because she had so much to learn about her own—once that awareness clarified for me, I came to see that we were done throwing good money after bad.

If you ask me to name the silver lining that
Was mine in the aftermath of that dark experience, I'd reply:
Time and again, I had to make sound use of my voice to
Assert my self respect in her office, and
Though taking a respectful though confrontational stand with
An authority figure proves difficult for me
I gained insight into my need to speak up for myself, repeatedly
And now, rather than speaking up to authority
I've been readying my voice to speak up to a person who has
Turned a deaf ear to everything I've said in the past—so of course
I feel fearful of failing to be heard, yet again!
Oh my gosh!  I've just named my unnamed fear!
I fear the futility of knocking on solid walls of denial
And since I fear failing to be heard
My voice locks up inside my throat, and
What, I ask, am I to do with that?
I'll sleep on that awareness until today's insight illuminates the next 

Guess what?
As soon as my subconscious fear revealed itself to my conscious mind
My brain recentered as a whole
And once I feel whole that's when creative plans come to mind ...
Picture me smiling ...

PS
I've not forgotten that you were promised
Part three of THE HEAVEN SENT TOY CATALOG PLAN
And you can be sure that I'll get back the story of
Meeting Will when the story-telling part of my brain
Feels like writing, again
As for now, I'm asking you for patience just as
I need to have patience with myself ...

Thursday, February 19, 2015

1255 TODAY, I REREAD POST 34: MINE YOUR MIND FOR GOLD

Written on Friday, April 29, 2011:
Common sense suggests that subconscious dark spots will not lighten up until flashes of insight highlight self defeating patterns that we've yet to see in ourselves.

For example:
Do you have a clue as to who manipulates you to meet their needs?
Do you have a clue as to how you manipulate others to meet your needs?
Do you have a clue as to how subtle mind manipulation can be?
Do you have a clue as to when undeserved guilt is doled out?
Do you have a clue as to when undeserved guilt invades peace of mind?

Or how about this:
What if we feel bullied when a loved one is shedding light on aspects of REALITY that we're afraid to see, and thus do we turn a blind eye and deny, deny, deny ... (Direct your think tank toward family interventions, organized to rescue loved ones from themselves.)

Once I got a clue as to how complex this concept of bullying can be, I chose to write about the effect that brainwashing has had on my psyche.

The fact that I've struck gold in the past inspires me to place my faith in my thought processor's innate ability to tunnel toward insights, which will illuminate dark spots that have haunted the shadows of my mind, over long.  If you'd like to see how I exhume ghosts, which go bump inside the subconscious portion of my mind then put on your miner's hat, switch on its light and tunnel forth with me.

As bullying does not end when adulthood begins, I hope to encourage you to gain insight into how best to offer each other respect and support during the hard times rather than allowing heightened levels of anxiety to toss put downs around, indiscriminately.

As a teacher, I believe it's important to inspire each brain to think deep.
As a teacher of effective communications, I hope you'll pass my blog forward from friend to friend via Face book, Twitter, lunches, cocktails, dinner parties, ... or wherever thoughts and ideas are exchanged, and here's my reasoning behind this request:

If you believe in THE POWER OF ONE
Connecting with the powers of MANY
If you believe in the power of grass roots movements
If you believe in connecting with
One person—one family—one community at a time—
Then we can work to connect the dots until
Our grass roots movement inspires community spirit to circle the globe.
We can do no great things ... only small things with great love.  Mother Teresa 
Just saw BILLY ELLIOT with a group of dear friends.  Each dance inspires the spirit to shrug off repression while ascending each next rung toward existential independence.  Each song rings out with the heartfelt need for a meeting of the minds between father and son while their entire community stands testament to the fact that everyone faces the challenge of going toe to toe with conflict, which inevitably accompanies change.  This family's story represents each person's soulful need for freedom of expression concerning values, which, over the long run, prove universal and timeless.

Time after time, we read memoirs or watch movies and plays drumming this theme into our brains:  Let freedom from oppressive repression ring loud and clear for all!  As you can see, each message in this play ignites my passion to respond openly, courageously—respectfully and compassionately—under fire—once I muster the readiness to open my mouth ...
Your friend,
:-)Annie

2015
In recent weeks, my spirit has been challenged to face a person's need to rain on my parade, suggesting that, once again, I go toe to toe with this choice:  Retreat in silence and nurse my wounds—retaliate and escalate this struggle for power over my psyche or—ascend another rung on the ladder of mindful resistance while mustering the patience to brainstorm toward insight into a third course of action, which, being positively focused, will best serve my needs and the needs of the community, over the long run ...

Since you know me to consult with Socrates, consistently, it's not hard to guess which of those choices proves to be mine ...

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

1254 WHAT DO YOU THINK? Revisiting Post 178

Written on July 10, 2011:
When I began to write this blog, I'd thought to tell you my story in an orderly fashion—one chapter leading into the next.

Though I knew my values would pop up, I'd no clue that my grasp of my values would deepen and expand, post by post.  I'd no clue that upon sitting down to write the next part of each story, a poem or composition, comprised of philosophical thought, would insist on flowing out of the depths of my mind.

As I write, my subconscious and conscious mind tend to hold hands.

Though I wonder if offering my mind free rein may limit my followers, and though I've no clue as to the quality of the poetry, which flows, surprisingly, as though all on its own, I've decided it's best to express my thoughts naturally.

I'd love to know how you found me
And why you choose to consider
That which I feel compelled to say, day after day
Is it possible that many thoughts, which
Run through my head, run through yours, too?
I wonder how often you sense my smile
Reaching out across the miles
Hoping to hold hands with yours
Perhaps, instead of telling me who you are
You may choose to tell me what you think
As I do with you 
One day you'll understand why
I chose Annie for my pen name
And that thought makes me wonder
Which name you might choose for yourself if
You decide to explore your
Deepest thoughts with me, anonymously
Hoping to hear from you, soon ...
Your friend,
:) Annie 

2015
When this post was written in 2011
I'd not yet grown aware of
The subtle nature of bullying that takes place when
Power struggles ensue amongst adults
However, now that my sense of conscious awareness is
No longer clueless, I plan to make sound use of
My intelligence to break through the subconscious spell by which
A certain person's words and actions
Unseat my sense of inner peace, repeatedly ...
Fortunately, I feel eager to partake in
A session of EMDR therapy, scheduled this afternoon
And if you are new to my blog, may I suggest
Googling 'EMDR' in order to gain insight into
The effective results, which have been
Tested when working to heal
The traumatized portion of the brain, which
Succumbs to subconscious stabs of fear and pain each time
An unprocessed memory stimulates an eruption of PTSD
You see, each time a current situation stimulates
An eruption of PTSD, I don't feel safe, and
When I lose my sense of safety
My mind does not feel centered
Thank goodness for EMDR therapy, which
Helps me to rebalance the wounded portion of my mind that
Suffered emotional trauma during childhood
And with that said, I'll end for today with this hope in mind:
I hope to find your thoughts in the comment box that
Can be found at the end of each post ... 

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

1253 IF YOU THINK ME IN A DARK PLACE ... PLEASE THINK AGAIN ...

Every now and then, I take a moment to mention that
I am not writing the story of my life to entertain you
I bare personal details of my life in hopes that
The classic nature of insights gained, which
Inspire me to create change for the better
May prove so universally true as to 
Encourage you to discover change for the better
Waiting to emerge from your depths, too

If you wonder why
I showed up yesterday and then again, today
All I can say is that I felt compelled to examine
Whatever had need to pour out of my mind

Today, I awoke with the need to say:
It's not true that you're crazy when you start to answer yourself
It's when you start to answer yourself honestly that you're sane
And as the same holds true for me, I hold myself accountable for
Learning why the bullying tactics of a particular individual continues to
Wield the power to slice through that which I know to be
My hard won personal strengths
In short, I need to identify the whereabouts of my Achilles heel

Upon awakening, today
This next train of thought compelled me to reach for paper and pen:
Though I can't change another person's bullying attitude from
Becoming aroused each time a struggle for power picks up steam
I can change my reactive sense of confusion by
Consciously adopting a proactive response of my own, thus
Conveying an attitude of self contained inner strength so powerful as to
Sit symptoms of my own unidentified fear in a time out chair until
Such time as the original situation, which
Triggered this unnamed fear, emerges from subconscious memory, thus
Making itself known to my conscious adult mind, at last
And having clarified my need to pinpoint and defuse
A fearsome memory, left unprocessed during childhood
You can see why self discovery proves to be
Instrumental in securing my sense of
High self esteem, most especially at those times when
I find it necessary to stop a predatory bully from
Encroaching upon territory belonging to no one's soul but my own

Each time I remember that it's clearly my responsibility to
Seek help searching inside my subconscious until
A haunting memory, repressed during childhood
Has been exposed, reprocessed and defused
I can count on my personal strengths to
Unauthorize the power hungry ego of another person from
Usurping control over my emotional reactions

Once I understand the circumstances leading to
My capitulation, my voice will have no reason to
Shrink back behind the constriction that
Closes my throat whenever that specific unidentified fear
Paralyzes my think tank so completely that
I can't think straight to save my life

Hopefully, today's train of thought offers you reason to see why
No one can do this work of excavating a memory that proves
Fearsome to my sense of personal safety but me, and
Since my peace of mind refuses to be held hostage by
Fears, repressed raw and left unresolved during childhood
You can see why I awoke, feeling compelled to
Write of my present need to muster the patience, humility and courage to
Dive ever more deeply into self discovery, yet again

Deeper truth suggests that no matter
Our gender, age or personal strengths
New experiences continue to mystify our intelligence by
Offering unexplored challenges at each stage of life
And thus do all people, inclusive of sages and warriors
Prove universally vulnerable to capitulating personal strengths to
Bullying attitudes if we refuse to confront
Subconscious fears in need of identification, lurking deep inside ...
PS
If you think me in a dark place, please think again
I was in a dark place until I chose to dive so deep as to
Feel inspired to reread old posts, and
If you ask which insights proved most strengthening, I'd reply:
I have no clue, and here's why that's true:
Every new insight that intuition inspires me to write
Is related in some way to every insight penned in the past, so
Each time I need a shot of mental strength
All I need do is allow curiosity to lead me to click on stats, and
Upon seeing which posts my readers are currently reading
I play enie-meany-meiny-moe, allowing destiny to choose for me ...
And here's why that works fine, time after time:
No matter which post I re-read, insight into
My need to confront an unidentified fear comes crystal clear, and
In this way do I accept that throughout each stage of my life
It's my choice to dive ever more deeply into self discovery in order to
Identify each weak link that has undermined the health of my self esteem, or
I can choose to drop blame on others rather than being straight with myself
And on that note of personal strength, nuff said for today ...
Except for this;
As soon as I smooth on sunscreen to protect my thin skin from
The penetrating intensity of the sun
I'm going to enjoy a stroll through my private place where no fear
Can invade my desire to enjoy my life to the fullest as long as
I carefully consider how best to fulfill
My spirit's deepest needs, through and through
Your soulful friend,
Annie
PSS
An hour has passed since penning my earlier train of thought
And deeper truth suggests that I must confess to this fact:
Unnamed fear is still invading my peace of mind, suggesting that
Denial wrote part of today's post ... But then ...
No one said that moving through transition while
Pinpointing and unseating a fearful mindset is easy ... And so
I'll end with this thought for today:
Thank goodness for EMDR ...
Once this subconscious fear has been named and tamed
I'll be sure to share my findings with you

Monday, February 16, 2015

1252 MY SOUL HAS NEED OF MY VOICE

My love for Ravi has reason to deepen as
She grows more adorable, uniquely herself, every day
And though my original thought had been to pause until
Elation had time to rebalance
I'm sorry to say that elation had reason to plummet
Why?
Because elation had reason to give way to
Confusion, fear of loss and sadness
Why?
I'm being bullied, which
Makes me feel like roaring, except for one thing:
Over my adult lifetime, I've gained insight into
The wisdom of mustering patience, humility and courage by
Calling upon my Line of Control to
Rein in my temper until facts are gathered
And once I hold the facts necessary to act with
Common sense intact, that's when
My voice of discretion will serve my need to
Free my soul from silence, born of self imposed repression

Though at first, upon being bullied
I went numb, eventually my life-long pattern of
Numbing fear and heartache clarified for me, and
Once my pattern of peacekeeping came clearly into view
I came to see that each time I choose to silence my voice
This bully feels empowered to
Make my blissful state of mind bow its head and kneel

As this bullying attitude that purposely pierces another person's heart is
Utterly foreign to me, I came to understand why
My processor can't help but feel confused each time
A person I love, who professes love for me
Focuses a sense of dark manipulation directly at my mind, because
Misery likes company

Thank goodness, I'm reading again, and to my good fortune
This month's selection, chosen by one of my book groups, is
INFIDEL, an autobiography penned by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, who
Upon being bullied for defying social and religious dictate
Mustered the courage to find her voice, take a stand and
Free herself of oppression by replying:
"It is the will of the soul.  The soul can not be coerced."
Though bullied, beaten into submission and shunned by
Those she'd loved but felt need to defy ...
Ayaan continued to muster the courage to
Inch her way, step by step, toward
Freeing her mind from undeserved guilt in order to
Untie knots of fear of loss, which had choked her voice until
The day dawned when she chose to honor her existential needs by
Mustering the courage to take a self respecting stand, which
Upon freeing her voice to speak up for herself, proved irreversible

Yet again, fate offers me reason to see that
That which hurts me makes me stronger but
Not until I do the work of searching within so deeply as to
Hear my soul's unmet needs beckoning my mind to
Resolve inner conflict by thinking clearly for myself, which
Is not to say that I go about my day thinking only of myself

When, at first, I left off writing to you, I'd chosen to
Immerse myself in the pureness of joy, while
Absorbing the blessed presence of Ravi in with the rest of my life
Evidently, my soulful euphoria proved unacceptable to a person, whose
Thought processes oppose my own at every turn

Over these past couple of weeks a disgruntled mind
Has been attempting to ambush my happiness by casting
A negatively focused power struggle over
My blissful state of mind, and at first
My defensive reaction called upon the state of denial as had been
My unconscious habit over most of my life
Then, my mental confusion grew so great
As to compel me to confront the swell of anger
And heartfelt pain, which my defense system had
Habitually repressed deep inside subconscious pockets of my mind

Upon identifying negativity swirling through my innermost mind
I chose to take myself to a quiet, safe place ...
A place like Walden Pond, where I go by myself to
Reflect, think deep and contemplate my fear of loss until
Insight into my true nature calms my mind at least enough to
See that the only way to stop this bully from
Purposely invading my sense of inner peace is by
Freeing my voice to take a self assertive stand
And though it's true that I drive myself to
This place of soulful contemplation, where
I walk and ponder over love and life until
A peaceful sense of clarity is mine
My spirit doth not walk alone, because the flutter of wings suggests
My friend, Socrates, whispering insightful trains of thought into my ear
And having clarified my process of clearing confusion from my head
I believe you'll find this next detail, highly ironic:
It's of interest to note that twas not just any day when
I'd vowed to create change for the better by
Not allowing this bully to rain on my love parade
It was Valentine's Day!

BTW
Fear, confusion and heartfelt distress, incurred over these past two weeks
Hath not rendered the intelligent portion of my brain fallow
Though I've not felt ready to move the story of my life forward
My mind has been writing, or more to the point, editing
Editing what?
The children's books, which I'd placed aside, several years back when
My mother's growing needs and the severity of David's injuries and
Spine surgeries stimulated my love and compassion to
Refocus 100% of my time, mental energy and
Heartfelt attentiveness away from writing toward care-giving

In retrospect, it's probable that my newfound love for Ravi
Refocused my attention toward stories created in hopes of
Inspiring parents, worldwide, to
Guide their children's lives in such compassionate ways as to
Discipline misbehavior with a consistent sense of
Loving firmness rather than resorting to punitive bullying, which
Simulates the manipulative tactics of which
I find myself on the receiving end, right now

Though it's true that I've missed
The mindful connection I share with you
Deeper truth suggests my having no clue as to when
I'll show up next on your screen ...
Tomorrow?  Next week?  Or some time, down the road
If you ask why I'm here, today, I'd reply:
I felt the need to express fate flying in, creating
Change, not of my making, which influenced
My need to choose how best to resolve
Inner conflict in such an intelligent manner as to
Honor my needs in a well balanced fashion
On the other hand ...
Perhaps you're choosing to do that which I do in hopes of
Maintaining our heartfelt connection across the miles in that
I find myself rereading posts, penned in the past, in hopes of
Strengthening my voice by reflecting over insights that
Highlight my desire to nurture my soul and
Live my life to the fullest no matter how many
Mean minded barbs are meant to slice through
My heart's sense of joy

Guess what my horoscope said?
You attempt to rise to levels that those with more experience have yet to achieve
I liked that horoscope ...
It's message makes me feel akin to my new friend, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, whose
Intelligent mind and compassionate heart incurred
Extended periods of pain while she nurtured the freedom of her soul ...
Until we meet again, I am your forever friend,
Annie