958 ANCORA EMPARO

Friday, March 14th 2014

A love letter to all of you who warm my heart ...

Today, as my precious mother, Jennie

Is laid to rest in peace next to
Her beloved husband, Jack

You might ask me how I feel

How do I feel?

I feel with my heart

If asked what my heart feels, today, I'd reply:

That which I feel is fleeting
From moment to moment, because

Whatever I feel depends upon

Whichever thought flies through my mind

If one person walks toward me or comes to mind
I feel one thing

If another walks toward me or comes to mind
I feel something else—suggesting—
I feel whatever I think of you
Or I feel whatever I think you think of me

So, what came first, the chicken or the egg???
Feeling or thought?

Feeling came first—naturally—at birth
Then whatever we'd felt naturally got all mixed up
How did that happen?
We are taught what to feel (Ha!)
We are taught which emotion to express
Which emotion to suppress (feel but don't expose)
Which emotion to repress (numb from conscious awareness)

As we are taught
To synch whatever we feel with
That which is socially acceptable
Much that I thought and felt proved untrue
Suggesting that personal growth depends upon

Calling forth humility to open my mind

And reconsider narrow mindets in need of review

Each time reflective thought embraces humility

And the depth of my awareness expands …
I cycle through stages of personal growth, which
Prove painful (no pain, no gain) for two reasons:
Cycling through stages of personal growth

Demands rocking boats

As people take offense when boats begin to rock

They'll do everything possible to shut you up
Secondly, can be very painful to learn
Which of your belief systems are based in shifting sand 

If you ask me to name
The stages of personal growth, I'd reply:

Unexpected change leads to defensiveness

Defensiveness leads to negative judgment calls

Misjudgment leads to humiliation
Humiliation (pain) opens my mind to embracing humility
Humility musters the courage to apologize and
Ask questions, and thus do I engage in
Reflective thought processes which
Should have taken place before any
Judgement calls were made

Personal growth gets stuck when
 humiliation leads to egocentric retaliation

Personal growth takes place when
Humility results in change for the better

As we move toward each next stage of life

This process begins, all over, again— 

Each time I consciously remind myself

To place a defensive mindset in time out
My mind opens to ask questions
As detailed explanations offer up bigger pictures

My original view of a conflict or problem expands

Each time I come to see a confusing situation
With a greater sense of clarity

Depth perception expands my orginal mind set

As my mindset expands so does my comfort zone

Eventually, questing (questioning) toward
Depth perception, which focuses my
Thought processor toward change for the better

So, instead of asking how I feel

Please ask what I think, though
That which I think, today, may have reason to
Process through change after I listen to
What you have to say which had not yet occurred to me

Hopefully
If I listen to you, mindfully, rather than defensively
And you do the same
We may find a common ground
To heal whatever went wrong

And having said that, I feel hopeful that

When you think of me—thinking of you—

You'll know that each time you come to mind

I embrace you with thoughts of regenerative love which

Prove intuitive for this reason:
Love, in its purest state 
Does not have an offensive 
Defensive, disparaging or judgmental bone in its body

If you ask why I feel the need

To quest ever more deeply into my soul

I'd reply in the same manner as did the master

When he was asked a vital question in 1562:

Michaelangelo was approaching
The end of his time on Earth when

At the ripe old age of 87

He was asked what had inspired
His life long quest to perfect his art

With utter sincerity

Here was the master's humble reply:

ANCORA EMPARO

"I'm still learning … I love it …"

If you ask what I feel, today, I'd reply
I'm still working to fill my mind with

Positively focused thoughts in hopes that
By spreading speaking and listening skills
Throughout the world

All who choose to walk through 'my' door will

Cast defensive, disparaging thoughts aside
In favor of asking deeply meaningful questions

Which may neutralize negative judgments
Thus inspiring positively focused discussions, which

Will iron wrinkles out of loving relationships

And hopefully, if you and I

Quest toward insight into clarity

Friendships, which had sadly lost their way
During days grown darkly confounding

Every mind that feels re-energized by love

Will blow storm clouds away

So, if you ask:  What do I think?  I'd reply:

I think we can't read each other's minds

And if you ask:  What do I feel?  I'd reply:
I feel sad that we all think to
Read minds other than our own
I also think you feel as sad about loss as I do

Next, if you ask:  What do I feel, right now? I'd reply:

I feel such a kaleidoscope of
Emotions stirring deep within that

I'm sure to crave solitude in which to write

As writing exposes raw emotion repressed at my core—

You can bet that thoughts, infused with feeling

Will pour forth from secret pockets in my mind

And hopefully, over time
Yet another growth spurt will lead toward
Change for the better, which will ease

My mind, heart and spirit of grief

Though I've worked to know
Both sides of myself pretty deeply, by now
Here's why I have lots left to learn:
Upon approaching each stage of life
My naivitee shows itself in the form of disillusionment

As another thought pattern is exposed
Which is in need of reconsideration before
I can hope to experience hange for the better, again

So if you ask me how I feel about this or that
Here is why my answer today or tomorrow may
Change from that which I'd thought true, yesterday:

I never know when a mindset, based in denial
May be in the process of uncovering a deeper truth
Hidden in a subconscious pocket deep within my mind
For example, when my sons were small
I'm always thinking in hopes of encouraging
One of another to figure out how best to 'fix' this or that
Now that they're adults
It's hard to remember that the only one I can fix is myself
And each time I find something in need of fixing in me

You'll be the second person
Who learns what I really feel at my core, because

I'll be the first ...

As always, I appreciate your

Caring about me, most especially

On a day that proves to be
As sad and complex as today—and

If you ask how I know you care
I'd reply:

You continue to seek me out, as I do you ...

And as action speaks louder than words

Please believe me when I say
That most especially, today …
When my precious mother is laid to rest
Peacefully, next to my beloved dad

Thoughts of your supportive presence

Draws forth a sense of inner strength

Though tears cascade down my face …

I mean, seriously, my friends—

What would I do without your support?

Tomorrow, Saturday

I'll walk outside onto my patio, sit down and

Sway, peacefully, back and forth on my swing

I'll gaze over the expanse of
The bright blue desert sky that

My dad loved so well, and while thinking of
Mom and Dad beaming down at me—

My spirit will surely swing upward
As my heart swells with their love

If you ask what I feel, right now
Here's what I'm thinking:
My precious mother is in the safe haven
Of her sweetheart's embrace

And with that thought in mind 

I hope you'll join me in looking forward toward
A positively focused future unfolding, right now:

As I've worked to feel at peace

By thinking of Mom and Dad reunited, at last ...

Let's ask what fate may have in store for
Those of us who imagine our hearts
Drawing together in hopes of offering each other
Countless opportunities to take good care of one another.

And if, at this time, you feel the need to ask:

Annie, after meditating by way of writing

What do you feel, right now? I'd reply:

I feel what I think, and
I think myself blessed to have embraced

The gift of peaceful friendship
Much more often than not

With my tender-hearted mom

Who'd served as an inspiration to many
While dancing through life for one hundred years

I think myself blessed to have embraced

The gift of peaceful friendship
Much more often than not
With my high spirited dad

Whose natural passion for love and life inspires me
To live as expressively as did he for eighty-seven years

I feel hopeful that when the sun comes out, tomorrow

Life will empower everyone I love with
This positively focused thought:

We'll each feel inspired to offer
Each other sound reason to create
A foundation of friendship based in
The safe haven of each other's love
As had been true during my parents' lifetime much
More often than not
And speaking for myself

I hope to maintain inner strengths necessary
To embrace Gandhi's mantra as my own—

Be the change you wish for the world

PS—if you think questing consciously

Step by step, toward personal growth
Comes easy to me ... Please think again
I'm really tired of pain before gain
On the other hand
Pain without gain makes no sense, at all!

Warm hugs—

Your friend,
Annie