Wednesday, December 19, 2012

598. DID MY SIXTH SENSE WRESTLE THE BULLY TO THE MAT???

It's been a hard day's night ...
I tossed and turned, mind churning
Trying to release a name, naturally
The bully's name, who'd lamed my gait with guys
I awoke in the dark ... short of breath
Inhaling deeply, as I've learned to do to quell anxiety ...
It was a hard day's night
While my conscious mind slept
My subconscious labored to release a name ...
Upon awakening short of breath in the dark
I inhaled deeply enough to fuel my thought processor with oxygen
Thus stopping anxious tension
From choking my intelligence
Into a non functioning state of light headedness
As I'm practiced at sloughing layers of self protectiveness
Pain pounding through my head does not surprise me
In fact, I accept this labor of the mind
As one accepts labor, giving birth to new life
As releasing repressed pain precedes gain
A name emerges as though from a secret pocket ...
The name is Larry Gold
Larry Gold scared me silly in high school.
He'd stand on my corner, late on a Saturday night
Calling my name ...
Annie ... I love you ... Come out ...
How often did that scene play out?
Seems like a lot
Maybe only once
Maybe all the other times played out inside my head
How did Larry's remonstrances make me feel?
Afraid.
Why?
I thought him mad
Never entered this good girl's head to question whether
This teen, kareening around on my front lawn
Was drunk on beer and raging hormones
I just thought him ... Crazy
And as he'd never mustered the courage
To say so much as hi to me in school
Here's another thought that never dawned on me
Larry must have been attracted to me...
As this boy never comes to mind
This morning, I awoke wondering if
The bus driver's prediction came true?
Was Larry one of the bullies on that bus?
I mean, why, after all these years ...
Did my fear of this particular boy ...
Who'd not mustered the courage to speak to me in school ...
Emerge from my sleeping brain
While I tossed and turned
Through a hard day's night ...
After having spent these last three days 
Reflecting over my mental block
Concerning this fact:
I went to high school
With the guys who'd brow beated me on that bus
Yet I could name or identify nary a one
If there was one mind game I was good at, early on
Mental Block would have won, hands down
Did my fear of Larry have more to do with
His having bullied me
Or knowing that a bully who'd hurt me
Had also loved me?
Doesn't instinct offer us a precautionary sense
Suggesting that we not repeat an experience
That proved detrimental
In some significant way?
Have I finally released the name of the bully on the bus?
With patience, my friends ...
Time will tell ...



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