Why does it prove hard to be true to oneself—through and through?
A cacophony of voices converges inside our minds
Most sound like parent tapes
Passed down through the ages
Instructing boys and girls to be nice
To be good
To be generous, giving ...
And thus, the one voice I can't hear, above a whisper
If even that—is my own
What happens once a pattern of aping 'parent tapes'
Shapes up inside my mind?
I act nice
I act good
I act generous, giving, kind
In truth, I had no clue as to when 'acting' selflless snuffed out my voice ...
Once my voice had been silenced
How could anyone have a clue as to which emotions I'd truly felt deep inside?
As emotions are anesthetized by social convention
They're no longer revealed, far and wide
So if none had a clue as to what I'd felt, neither did I
During early childhood, we know what what we feel.
Then as years pass and we're taught to submerge our angst ...
Clarity is buried under social veneer, which layers up
Once raw emotion, concerning
Repressed, unexplored, unexpressed angst
Is locked inside a deep freeze
This question remains unasked:
What do I honestly feel deep within my core?
Rather than asking myself what I'd felt
My mind had been taught to focus upon ...
How well my words, actions and behaviors had been received
As I'd received many more smiles than frowns
I'd felt like a good girl, through and through ...
Eventually, as layers of social veneer thickened, year after year
I 'd no clue how many layers of angst had been subconsciously misplaced ...
I'd no clue of unmet needs under lock and key within that deep freeze
In fact, I'd no clue of unmet needs languishing in cages until ...
An unexpected experience rocked my world ...
Tossing all sense of personal safety to the winds
And as my self-perceptions began to change
A kaleidoscope of misperception rolled round and round
Inside my mind for this reason:
Eventually, changing perceptions, which were rocking my world
Rocked the worlds of everyone, whose sense of trust and safety
Had been connected to mine
During that mind bending time
My brain felt like an inactive volcano ...
Igniting for unknown reasons until unmet needs
Began to unfreeze, melt down and make themselves known—to me!
As unmet needs go from frozen to 'melt down' to smoldering ...
Hot spots of frustration—quivering like TNT—
Exploded into a ball of fire, which burned through layers of polished veneer—
And no one was more shocked than me to see
Passion exploding out of my core in such confounding ways as to cause
Tons of unexplored anger to burst forth, at first ...
In a solid mass of pressurized angst, which, upon expelling itself
In openly expressive ways, confounded everyone, especially me
I mean for heaven sakes
What unknown secret was this angst
Really about??
As you can imagine, while lava gushed forth
Negatively focused judgments stormed down on my head
For quite some time, my subconscious need for personal growth
Remained unclear to everyone, including me ... until
I mustered the courage to dive into the deep end of my mind ...
In hopes that, with time spent in solitude and reflection ...
This puzzling mass of raw confusion
Might cool down, allowing me to separate
Hots spots of disillusioned fury from spot on logic
Ultimately, I've learned that when inner conflict raises it's head
My subconscious is prodding my conscious mind to ready itself
For a growth spurt, which may offer up pain before gain
As no one likes pain, I muster the courage—time and again
To take myself to a place of inner solitude
Where both sides of my mind feel free to work—unencumbered
By misplaced, incoming judgment—
Then, while piecing together puzzling aspects of my life
Guess what happens? ...
A bigger picture, which makes sense of nonsense, clarifies—at least to me
You see, each time clarity, concerning bigger pictures, comes into view
Peace of mind is mine—for a time—until
Growth raises it's prickly, little head, again!
During these past twenty years
I've worked diligently thorough one hazy maze of confusion
After another
In hopes of peeling away as many layers of social veneer
As I can
In hopes of clarifying emotions, which I feel
But don't understand, gnawing at my core
As it's true that twenty years ago, I'd no clue
How many fears, insecurities and unmet needs
Had been secreted within my subconscious during childhood ...
Instinct had not yet compelled me to quest back and forth across the time line ...
In hopes of spying conflicts and wounds left festering within
However once that experience was under my belt
I 'knew' each of those critters needed ferreting out, one at a time
If asked why I can't let sleeping dogs lie, I'd reply
Animal instincts don't sleep—they bite—
And by treading this path of self awareness, I stop biting myself!
At this point, having tunneled into my childhood
Ever more deeply during these past twenty years
The archeologist within me has come to value
A whole set of personal needs too long ignored
And as a result of tunneling, courageously, ever more deeply
I've grown to understand which needs I'd ignored and why
Thankfully, as clarity develops, I've grown to respect my needs
With the same attention to detail that I'd offered to everyone else
If asked why I choose to explore personal growth in solitude
I'd reply:
In the past, my unidentified need for growth
Shot through the roof like a bat out of hell
And as reactions suggested that I'd gotten 'too' deep
Or I'd gone 'off the deep end'
Or I'd grown too sensitive or selfish—
In truth, all I did was to work painfully to peel
Layers of my selfless veneer away—
Today, I choose to liberate my unmet needs
Quietly in the presence of professional guidance as well as
With trusting friends, who know me well enough
Not to lose faith in me or paint me darkly
As I coax unmet needs to emerge from my subconscious
I listen to myself express emotion calmly, logically, and clearly
Can you guess which of my values continues to strengthen the most?
My level of emotional maturity—
Which, in truth, does not develop past high school unless a person
Musters the courage to confront and examine both sides of one's traits
If asked how I'd define emotional maturity, today ...
The first part of my answer would address this fact:
Emotional maturity doth not come with age, because it must be earned
Then, I 'd go on to say:
Emotional maturity results when a person tunnels so deeply
Into the dark side of one's own mind as to examine
A myriad of human vulnerabilities, which
Rather than being accepted with humility
Had been defensively denied
In short, one who is self deceptive
Has lots of growing up to do
As unexplored insecurities tend to
Darken or white wash a person's perceptions
We each walk through every succeeding stage of life
With no clue as to when
Negatively focused attitudes create misperceptions
That tear good people down
Once that came clear to me
I came to see why attitude is everything
I mean let's consider this:
Misperception leads to misunderstandings
Misunderstandings severe bonds of trust
And in lieu of trust, friendship is undermined on all sides
Each time I identify one of my misperceptions
My mind lights up with insight into deeper truth
Each time a deeper truth emerges, a new sense of clarity
Changes my views
As changes in perception alter my perspective
A string of insights lights up a dark spot inside my mind
And ultimately, as bigger pictures emerge, inner confict resolves
Once inner conflict resolves, my comfort zones expand, as well
Upon getting to know me as I've come to know myself
You'll see why I believe that spurts of growth are impossible
Without experiencing the pain of stretching beyond
The narrow borders of a comfort zone
Which had once made me feel safe and falsely secure
If you choose to ride sidekick with me
Then each time I undergo a growth spurt
You'll witness why my sense of gain is worth the pain
On the other hand, with every gain comes loss
And here's why that's true:
Whenever I need to process through a growth spurt
Pain, exacerbated by negatively focused judgments
Rains down upon my head, anew
Why? Though I inject compassion
Into what needs to be said
People tend to 'put down' that which they're afraid to hear
And that's why I've learned to respect growth and solitude
Most especially at those times when my conscious mind
Senses my subconscious
Readying me to accept
Whatever growth spurt feels pressing next ...
Thank goodness I'm not growing all the time!
Thank goodness rest periods intersperse with need for growth
Though pain and loss precede growth and gain
I choose to maintain the steadiness of my path for this reason:
Each time I recognize which of my attitudes and misperceptions
Had been based in fear, unresolved during childhood ...
I gain insight into where I may have
Whitewashed my actions, behaviors and words
By darkening the actions, behaviors and words
Of she or he who'd seemed to give me a hard time
In short, I can differentiate between
Those who bully me for real
And those who are draw near when
I am in need of a well directed kick in the pants
I mean it's not easy to recognize a rut, get off my butt
And shift my life into a new gear all by myself
Before I'd mustered the courage to tunnel into the dark side of my mind
My good girl veneer had mistakenly denied any responsibility
For relationships, which had come undone
As long as I had no clue as to when I'd resisted reality ...
I remained blind to vulnerabilities
Which had not fully developed into personal strengths
In short, I didn't realize which of my thoughts had been half baked.
Recently, I've absorbed information, highlighting this fact:
More conscious decisions are fear driven than we know
With that piece of information I understand
Why subconscious instinct compels me
To peel away at my social veneer until unmet needs—
Frozen deep within—experience melt down
Then, when a needy trait emerges, I exclaim:
Thank goodness I've found you, at last!
I'd no clue we'd been starving in the dark side
Of my subconscious for decades on end!
Now that I've finally dug up basic needs which
I'd little clue of having lost sight of—
Let's nourish ourselves! Let's ccept 'us' as a whole!
Let's strengthen, from deep within our core—
Right now!
Why the haste? There's little time left to waste
Life is short. And if time stands still for no one then
Let's hear it for personal growth!
Tis the twilight of my life—
And having tunneled this deeply into my psyche
I've found little to fear, concerning self incrimination
What I have gained is much more to embrace
Concerning whom I choose to be, day to day
In fact, upon reconsidering my mindful quest
For depth in self awareness
As well as my need for freedom of choice
My comfort zones have expanded
Farther than parent tapes might understand
And so with compassion for those whose half baked ideas
Continue to heap undeserved condemnation upon my head
I am relieved to say that I'll no longer heap undeserved guilt upon myself
And Amen to a change as healthy as that!
If asked why I choose to work, consciously, determinedly
At stripping socialized layers of polished veneer away from my core
I'd reply:
I've come to see that fear, festering within—rather than evil spirits—
Had comprised the skeletons, which emerged from my dark side
And as I work toward nourishing my spirit, straight down to my core
Insecurities, left unexplored during childhood, are put to rest
In truth, no one could test me more deeply than I've tested myself
And as each insecurity, which sapped my spirit, is put to rest
My conscious mind feels free to soak in new schools of thought
Which refute many rules of conduct, which silenced my voice
Each time a deeply buried, fearsome need feels nourished
By a new school of thought—which offers me clarity—
Another aspect of INNER CONFLICT melts away
As inner conflict lessens
Boundaries, confining my comfort zones, expand, naturally
If you ask why my adult psyche chooses to work
To stretch beyond the narrow, social limits of self control ...
Which had made a 'good, little girl' feel falsely safe and secure
I'd reply:
I no long carry the weight of the world wherever I tread!
And thank goodness for that!
Life was messy before I was born
Life will be messy long after I'm gone
And for the short time that I'm here
I've spent my life working not to manipulate the minds of others
To meet my needs
Instead, I've made good use of positive focus
In hopes of cleaning up my own act
And if you can think of an insight that feels more spirit sustaining then that
I'll eat my hat!
J
If asked why my head did not explode when
Unresolved conflicts added one brick of weight upon another
I'd reply, well my skull is hard
And though unresolved conflicts take up brain space
The brain has tons of cells, which remain unused
So rather than exploding, I'd continued to stuff
Unexplored baggage into my subconscious
While stuffing my conscious mind with knowledge
Then, unknowingly
I'd lugged both sides of human nature forward
From one stage to next
Throughout my adult life—until recent years—
When I came to see that every inner conflict was
In truth—one and the same:
How doth one be true to oneself
And be true to loved ones, as well!
Once I answered that timeless riddle
My mind was at peace—much more often than not
And what, my friends, could feel more revitalizing than ...
*A mind that makes peace with itself!!
For many a year
I'd pop extra strength Excedrine by day
Or half an Ambien by night
Whenever head aches caused restlessness within
For decades
My high-spirited veneer continued, skipping along ...
Until fate cast its first unexpected kick to my head
Thus knocking my world off its axis—until
I got wind of instinct whispering subconscious 'secrets'
To my conscious mind
And from that time, twenty years ago
I've continued to ready my conscious mind
To confront inner conflicts, lurking within my subconscious
Head on
Can you guess what happened when
I finally listened to basic animal instinct
Directing me to tunnel into the dark side of my mind?
I freed half of the traits a good girl was taught to rein in
I accepted traits, which I'd believed to be
Shameful rather than natural
Today, I embrace
Traits of passion, such as jealousy, envy, and fury
Why embrace them?
Because these traits are my own
Because upon embracing these traits as my own
I can tame them rather than denying them ...
Thus denying and despising half of myself
As the herding instinct is strong
No man or woman is an island—
Even so, tis true that communing with others
Is not what makes each of us feel complete
What each needs to feel complete is to accept
Both sides human nature existing within us all
Speaking for myself,
I feel complete when I think to accept
The sum of my parts as a whole human being ...
Speaking as an experienced tunneler
May I suggest that each time you are truly true to yourself
Through and through
Inner peace shall be thine, as it is mine—
Until the next inner conflict arises within ...
Suggesting another growth spurt is about to expand
Both sides of my mind—yet again
Please don't tell me old dogs can't learn new tricks
I'm not an old dog
I'm a peep
And peeps are sponges
In that we can absorb knowledge
That encourages us to move beyond fear
And dive in deeper than ever before
As to those who suggest one can dive too deep
Here's my reply:
I'll dive until I hit the bottom line
Which exists at my core
Please don't tell me leopards can't change their spots
I'm not a leopard
I'm a peep
And if I spot with age
I see my dermatologist
And ask her to lazer my outer spots away
As to lightening dark spots of fear that devil me inside
I see my shrink—who encourages me to dive and expand
:)
Once again
May I suggest that inner conflict is a signal
From the subconscious, readying
The conscious mind of it's need for personal growth?
May I ask you to reconsider misperceptions and misinterpretations
That may be feeding your fears, thus
Darken your views of reality as it actually exists?
As you can imagine, I didn't name this blog:
HAVE YOU GOT A CLUE OR IS YOUR BRAIN STILL FOOLING YOU
For no good reason...
May I also suggest that it's not as good to be king (or queen)
As it feels good to claim clarity and peacefulness
Based in whom I know myself to have grown to be, day by day
Having worked conscientiously, rather than contentiously
To peel layers of my social veneer away
I continue to confront vulnerabilities
And as each vulnerability emerges from the deep
Another high self-esteeming strength
Which I've worked hard to earn
Enables me to grow less defensive
More emotionally mature, today than before
If my self confidence had once felt like
A sled, riding up and down life's slippery slopes
Today, my self esteem has grown to
Stick like glue, no matter what blustery experience
Fate chooses to blow in my direction, next
While self confidence comes and goes
Self esteem, which runs deep enough to last
Is not made of perceptions, which are shaky by nature
High self esteem is won by way of
Working to deepen layers of authenticity straight into your core
If you ask, how did all of these positively focused changes take place
Without a cocoon?
I'd reply:
One must work consistently to tune out mixed messages
Which we all receive from the maddening crowd
And though Mother Nature did not provide humans with cocoons
In which to morph into fully baked, adults
I seek a quiet haven in which to grow every more self aware
As I move from one stage of development toward the next
And here is my last thought as today's long train of thought
Pulls into the station, at last:
Just as Mother Nature offers caterpillars the instinctive readiness
To weave a cocoon
She gifts each human with the potential
To make better use of our neocortex, every day
For example, let's make good use of Wikipedia, right now:
Neocortex: noun ( pl. -cortices |-ˈkôrtiˌsēz|) Anatomy
A part of the cerebral cortex concerned with
Sight and hearing in mammals
Regarded as the most recently evolved part of the cortex
When we make good use of Mother Nature's gifts
We muster the courage to look within in hopes of
Identifying unresolved fears and insecurities
Which create negatively focused attitudes
That darken our perceptions of reality, no matter how often
It stares us in the face
Once we accept and embrace both sides of our authentic selves
We see others as they are and not as we fear ...
Okay ... I've edited this post a zillion times for good reason
I had lots to say
And it was important to make certain that I worked until
Every train of thought came exquisitely—clear—at least to me
As I believe in balance in all things—tis time for fun!
A movie with family and friends awaits
Though this post had originally been written in June
Tis now July
And having chosen to sweep a few spider webs
Out of the closet of my mind—
I'm looking forward to freeing my spirit
To cavort with SPIDERMAN at the Imax in 3D!
So until we meet again—happy trails to you and you and you ...
Your long winded friend,
Annie
:-)
.
A cacophony of voices converges inside our minds
Most sound like parent tapes
Passed down through the ages
Instructing boys and girls to be nice
To be good
To be generous, giving ...
And thus, the one voice I can't hear, above a whisper
If even that—is my own
What happens once a pattern of aping 'parent tapes'
Shapes up inside my mind?
I act nice
I act good
I act generous, giving, kind
In truth, I had no clue as to when 'acting' selflless snuffed out my voice ...
Once my voice had been silenced
How could anyone have a clue as to which emotions I'd truly felt deep inside?
As emotions are anesthetized by social convention
They're no longer revealed, far and wide
So if none had a clue as to what I'd felt, neither did I
During early childhood, we know what what we feel.
Then as years pass and we're taught to submerge our angst ...
Clarity is buried under social veneer, which layers up
Once raw emotion, concerning
Repressed, unexplored, unexpressed angst
Is locked inside a deep freeze
This question remains unasked:
What do I honestly feel deep within my core?
Rather than asking myself what I'd felt
My mind had been taught to focus upon ...
How well my words, actions and behaviors had been received
As I'd received many more smiles than frowns
I'd felt like a good girl, through and through ...
Eventually, as layers of social veneer thickened, year after year
I 'd no clue how many layers of angst had been subconsciously misplaced ...
I'd no clue of unmet needs under lock and key within that deep freeze
In fact, I'd no clue of unmet needs languishing in cages until ...
An unexpected experience rocked my world ...
Tossing all sense of personal safety to the winds
And as my self-perceptions began to change
A kaleidoscope of misperception rolled round and round
Inside my mind for this reason:
Eventually, changing perceptions, which were rocking my world
Rocked the worlds of everyone, whose sense of trust and safety
Had been connected to mine
During that mind bending time
My brain felt like an inactive volcano ...
Igniting for unknown reasons until unmet needs
Began to unfreeze, melt down and make themselves known—to me!
As unmet needs go from frozen to 'melt down' to smoldering ...
Hot spots of frustration—quivering like TNT—
Exploded into a ball of fire, which burned through layers of polished veneer—
And no one was more shocked than me to see
Passion exploding out of my core in such confounding ways as to cause
Tons of unexplored anger to burst forth, at first ...
In a solid mass of pressurized angst, which, upon expelling itself
In openly expressive ways, confounded everyone, especially me
I mean for heaven sakes
What unknown secret was this angst
Really about??
As you can imagine, while lava gushed forth
Negatively focused judgments stormed down on my head
For quite some time, my subconscious need for personal growth
Remained unclear to everyone, including me ... until
I mustered the courage to dive into the deep end of my mind ...
In hopes that, with time spent in solitude and reflection ...
This puzzling mass of raw confusion
Might cool down, allowing me to separate
Hots spots of disillusioned fury from spot on logic
Ultimately, I've learned that when inner conflict raises it's head
My subconscious is prodding my conscious mind to ready itself
For a growth spurt, which may offer up pain before gain
As no one likes pain, I muster the courage—time and again
To take myself to a place of inner solitude
Where both sides of my mind feel free to work—unencumbered
By misplaced, incoming judgment—
Then, while piecing together puzzling aspects of my life
Guess what happens? ...
A bigger picture, which makes sense of nonsense, clarifies—at least to me
You see, each time clarity, concerning bigger pictures, comes into view
Peace of mind is mine—for a time—until
Growth raises it's prickly, little head, again!
During these past twenty years
I've worked diligently thorough one hazy maze of confusion
After another
In hopes of peeling away as many layers of social veneer
As I can
In hopes of clarifying emotions, which I feel
But don't understand, gnawing at my core
As it's true that twenty years ago, I'd no clue
How many fears, insecurities and unmet needs
Had been secreted within my subconscious during childhood ...
Instinct had not yet compelled me to quest back and forth across the time line ...
In hopes of spying conflicts and wounds left festering within
However once that experience was under my belt
I 'knew' each of those critters needed ferreting out, one at a time
If asked why I can't let sleeping dogs lie, I'd reply
Animal instincts don't sleep—they bite—
And by treading this path of self awareness, I stop biting myself!
At this point, having tunneled into my childhood
Ever more deeply during these past twenty years
The archeologist within me has come to value
A whole set of personal needs too long ignored
And as a result of tunneling, courageously, ever more deeply
I've grown to understand which needs I'd ignored and why
Thankfully, as clarity develops, I've grown to respect my needs
With the same attention to detail that I'd offered to everyone else
If asked why I choose to explore personal growth in solitude
I'd reply:
In the past, my unidentified need for growth
Shot through the roof like a bat out of hell
And as reactions suggested that I'd gotten 'too' deep
Or I'd gone 'off the deep end'
Or I'd grown too sensitive or selfish—
In truth, all I did was to work painfully to peel
Layers of my selfless veneer away—
Today, I choose to liberate my unmet needs
Quietly in the presence of professional guidance as well as
With trusting friends, who know me well enough
Not to lose faith in me or paint me darkly
As I coax unmet needs to emerge from my subconscious
I listen to myself express emotion calmly, logically, and clearly
Can you guess which of my values continues to strengthen the most?
My level of emotional maturity—
Which, in truth, does not develop past high school unless a person
Musters the courage to confront and examine both sides of one's traits
If asked how I'd define emotional maturity, today ...
The first part of my answer would address this fact:
Emotional maturity doth not come with age, because it must be earned
Then, I 'd go on to say:
Emotional maturity results when a person tunnels so deeply
Into the dark side of one's own mind as to examine
A myriad of human vulnerabilities, which
Rather than being accepted with humility
Had been defensively denied
In short, one who is self deceptive
Has lots of growing up to do
As unexplored insecurities tend to
Darken or white wash a person's perceptions
We each walk through every succeeding stage of life
With no clue as to when
Negatively focused attitudes create misperceptions
That tear good people down
Once that came clear to me
I came to see why attitude is everything
I mean let's consider this:
Misperception leads to misunderstandings
Misunderstandings severe bonds of trust
And in lieu of trust, friendship is undermined on all sides
Each time I identify one of my misperceptions
My mind lights up with insight into deeper truth
Each time a deeper truth emerges, a new sense of clarity
Changes my views
As changes in perception alter my perspective
A string of insights lights up a dark spot inside my mind
And ultimately, as bigger pictures emerge, inner confict resolves
Once inner conflict resolves, my comfort zones expand, as well
Upon getting to know me as I've come to know myself
You'll see why I believe that spurts of growth are impossible
Without experiencing the pain of stretching beyond
The narrow borders of a comfort zone
Which had once made me feel safe and falsely secure
If you choose to ride sidekick with me
Then each time I undergo a growth spurt
You'll witness why my sense of gain is worth the pain
On the other hand, with every gain comes loss
And here's why that's true:
Whenever I need to process through a growth spurt
Pain, exacerbated by negatively focused judgments
Rains down upon my head, anew
Why? Though I inject compassion
Into what needs to be said
People tend to 'put down' that which they're afraid to hear
And that's why I've learned to respect growth and solitude
Most especially at those times when my conscious mind
Senses my subconscious
Readying me to accept
Whatever growth spurt feels pressing next ...
Thank goodness I'm not growing all the time!
Thank goodness rest periods intersperse with need for growth
Though pain and loss precede growth and gain
I choose to maintain the steadiness of my path for this reason:
Each time I recognize which of my attitudes and misperceptions
Had been based in fear, unresolved during childhood ...
I gain insight into where I may have
Whitewashed my actions, behaviors and words
By darkening the actions, behaviors and words
Of she or he who'd seemed to give me a hard time
In short, I can differentiate between
Those who bully me for real
And those who are draw near when
I am in need of a well directed kick in the pants
I mean it's not easy to recognize a rut, get off my butt
And shift my life into a new gear all by myself
Before I'd mustered the courage to tunnel into the dark side of my mind
My good girl veneer had mistakenly denied any responsibility
For relationships, which had come undone
As long as I had no clue as to when I'd resisted reality ...
I remained blind to vulnerabilities
Which had not fully developed into personal strengths
In short, I didn't realize which of my thoughts had been half baked.
Recently, I've absorbed information, highlighting this fact:
More conscious decisions are fear driven than we know
With that piece of information I understand
Why subconscious instinct compels me
To peel away at my social veneer until unmet needs—
Frozen deep within—experience melt down
Then, when a needy trait emerges, I exclaim:
Thank goodness I've found you, at last!
I'd no clue we'd been starving in the dark side
Of my subconscious for decades on end!
Now that I've finally dug up basic needs which
I'd little clue of having lost sight of—
Let's nourish ourselves! Let's ccept 'us' as a whole!
Let's strengthen, from deep within our core—
Right now!
Why the haste? There's little time left to waste
Life is short. And if time stands still for no one then
Let's hear it for personal growth!
Tis the twilight of my life—
And having tunneled this deeply into my psyche
I've found little to fear, concerning self incrimination
What I have gained is much more to embrace
Concerning whom I choose to be, day to day
In fact, upon reconsidering my mindful quest
For depth in self awareness
As well as my need for freedom of choice
My comfort zones have expanded
Farther than parent tapes might understand
And so with compassion for those whose half baked ideas
Continue to heap undeserved condemnation upon my head
I am relieved to say that I'll no longer heap undeserved guilt upon myself
And Amen to a change as healthy as that!
If asked why I choose to work, consciously, determinedly
At stripping socialized layers of polished veneer away from my core
I'd reply:
I've come to see that fear, festering within—rather than evil spirits—
Had comprised the skeletons, which emerged from my dark side
And as I work toward nourishing my spirit, straight down to my core
Insecurities, left unexplored during childhood, are put to rest
In truth, no one could test me more deeply than I've tested myself
And as each insecurity, which sapped my spirit, is put to rest
My conscious mind feels free to soak in new schools of thought
Which refute many rules of conduct, which silenced my voice
Each time a deeply buried, fearsome need feels nourished
By a new school of thought—which offers me clarity—
Another aspect of INNER CONFLICT melts away
As inner conflict lessens
Boundaries, confining my comfort zones, expand, naturally
If you ask why my adult psyche chooses to work
To stretch beyond the narrow, social limits of self control ...
Which had made a 'good, little girl' feel falsely safe and secure
I'd reply:
I no long carry the weight of the world wherever I tread!
And thank goodness for that!
Life was messy before I was born
Life will be messy long after I'm gone
And for the short time that I'm here
I've spent my life working not to manipulate the minds of others
To meet my needs
Instead, I've made good use of positive focus
In hopes of cleaning up my own act
And if you can think of an insight that feels more spirit sustaining then that
I'll eat my hat!
J
If asked why my head did not explode when
Unresolved conflicts added one brick of weight upon another
I'd reply, well my skull is hard
And though unresolved conflicts take up brain space
The brain has tons of cells, which remain unused
So rather than exploding, I'd continued to stuff
Unexplored baggage into my subconscious
While stuffing my conscious mind with knowledge
Then, unknowingly
I'd lugged both sides of human nature forward
From one stage to next
Throughout my adult life—until recent years—
When I came to see that every inner conflict was
In truth—one and the same:
How doth one be true to oneself
And be true to loved ones, as well!
Once I answered that timeless riddle
My mind was at peace—much more often than not
And what, my friends, could feel more revitalizing than ...
*A mind that makes peace with itself!!
For many a year
I'd pop extra strength Excedrine by day
Or half an Ambien by night
Whenever head aches caused restlessness within
For decades
My high-spirited veneer continued, skipping along ...
Until fate cast its first unexpected kick to my head
Thus knocking my world off its axis—until
I got wind of instinct whispering subconscious 'secrets'
To my conscious mind
And from that time, twenty years ago
I've continued to ready my conscious mind
To confront inner conflicts, lurking within my subconscious
Head on
Can you guess what happened when
I finally listened to basic animal instinct
Directing me to tunnel into the dark side of my mind?
I freed half of the traits a good girl was taught to rein in
I accepted traits, which I'd believed to be
Shameful rather than natural
Today, I embrace
Traits of passion, such as jealousy, envy, and fury
Why embrace them?
Because these traits are my own
Because upon embracing these traits as my own
I can tame them rather than denying them ...
Thus denying and despising half of myself
As the herding instinct is strong
No man or woman is an island—
Even so, tis true that communing with others
Is not what makes each of us feel complete
What each needs to feel complete is to accept
Both sides human nature existing within us all
Speaking for myself,
I feel complete when I think to accept
The sum of my parts as a whole human being ...
Speaking as an experienced tunneler
May I suggest that each time you are truly true to yourself
Through and through
Inner peace shall be thine, as it is mine—
Until the next inner conflict arises within ...
Suggesting another growth spurt is about to expand
Both sides of my mind—yet again
Please don't tell me old dogs can't learn new tricks
I'm not an old dog
I'm a peep
And peeps are sponges
In that we can absorb knowledge
That encourages us to move beyond fear
And dive in deeper than ever before
As to those who suggest one can dive too deep
Here's my reply:
I'll dive until I hit the bottom line
Which exists at my core
Please don't tell me leopards can't change their spots
I'm not a leopard
I'm a peep
And if I spot with age
I see my dermatologist
And ask her to lazer my outer spots away
As to lightening dark spots of fear that devil me inside
I see my shrink—who encourages me to dive and expand
:)
Once again
May I suggest that inner conflict is a signal
From the subconscious, readying
The conscious mind of it's need for personal growth?
May I ask you to reconsider misperceptions and misinterpretations
That may be feeding your fears, thus
Darken your views of reality as it actually exists?
As you can imagine, I didn't name this blog:
HAVE YOU GOT A CLUE OR IS YOUR BRAIN STILL FOOLING YOU
For no good reason...
May I also suggest that it's not as good to be king (or queen)
As it feels good to claim clarity and peacefulness
Based in whom I know myself to have grown to be, day by day
Having worked conscientiously, rather than contentiously
To peel layers of my social veneer away
I continue to confront vulnerabilities
And as each vulnerability emerges from the deep
Another high self-esteeming strength
Which I've worked hard to earn
Enables me to grow less defensive
More emotionally mature, today than before
If my self confidence had once felt like
A sled, riding up and down life's slippery slopes
Today, my self esteem has grown to
Stick like glue, no matter what blustery experience
Fate chooses to blow in my direction, next
While self confidence comes and goes
Self esteem, which runs deep enough to last
Is not made of perceptions, which are shaky by nature
High self esteem is won by way of
Working to deepen layers of authenticity straight into your core
If you ask, how did all of these positively focused changes take place
Without a cocoon?
I'd reply:
One must work consistently to tune out mixed messages
Which we all receive from the maddening crowd
And though Mother Nature did not provide humans with cocoons
In which to morph into fully baked, adults
I seek a quiet haven in which to grow every more self aware
As I move from one stage of development toward the next
And here is my last thought as today's long train of thought
Pulls into the station, at last:
Just as Mother Nature offers caterpillars the instinctive readiness
To weave a cocoon
She gifts each human with the potential
To make better use of our neocortex, every day
For example, let's make good use of Wikipedia, right now:
Neocortex: noun ( pl. -cortices |-ˈkôrtiˌsēz|) Anatomy
A part of the cerebral cortex concerned with
Sight and hearing in mammals
Regarded as the most recently evolved part of the cortex
When we make good use of Mother Nature's gifts
We muster the courage to look within in hopes of
Identifying unresolved fears and insecurities
Which create negatively focused attitudes
That darken our perceptions of reality, no matter how often
It stares us in the face
Once we accept and embrace both sides of our authentic selves
We see others as they are and not as we fear ...
Okay ... I've edited this post a zillion times for good reason
I had lots to say
And it was important to make certain that I worked until
Every train of thought came exquisitely—clear—at least to me
As I believe in balance in all things—tis time for fun!
A movie with family and friends awaits
Though this post had originally been written in June
Tis now July
And having chosen to sweep a few spider webs
Out of the closet of my mind—
I'm looking forward to freeing my spirit
To cavort with SPIDERMAN at the Imax in 3D!
So until we meet again—happy trails to you and you and you ...
Your long winded friend,
Annie
:-)
.
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