1154 INNER LIFE/OUTER LIFE

2014
What is going on with me?
I mean, what mind shift is taking place in me?
Over these last fourteen years, since the death of my father
Who or what has controlled my spirit's sense of well being?
My birth family
Why?
Because of the role that I'd taken upon myself, early on
If I can't solve their problems, I feel worthless, and
My spirit sinks in quicksand
How unhealthy is it for
My well being to enmesh with theirs
Why, after years of therapy, is this still true?
My string of insights has not yet offered me
The enlightening breakthrough that I seek, which
Will reveal the mind-expanding epiphany
Necessary to free my feeling of subservient servitude

From whom or what do I need permission and release?
From myself?
Or ...
From an adopted belief?
Aha!
Give me a minute to think …
I can feel something huge turning up
The wattage of my mind—
Lightening my spirit as I write …
Hmmmmm—

I do not need release from my family
I do not need release from myself
I need to re-evaluate the idealistic sense of
What I was taught family is 'supposed' to be
in terms of how the concept of family
Had been defined and passed down to me

I need to reconsider idealism vs. realism, concerning
That which families prove to be

So—what do families prove to be?

A family is a group of individuals, each making
His or her way from one stage of life to
The next as best as possible—experiencing
Failure, success, heartache and joy as
Each of us carves out his chosen path
Suggesting that—

Blood is only thicker than water
When your blood relations' unmet needs
Are not working overtime to
Bleed the life force out of each other's
Mental strengths and heartfelt spirits

Oh—that doesn't sound like me!  Right?
This must be the stage of mind-bending awareness
Where I turn into a stranger to my former self
And as having turned into a stranger feels
Too strange to believe
Whoever I am, today, seeks guidance in hopes of
Opening yet another door in my defensive wall, which
Will afford the staid nature of my belief system
Additional space to progress toward necessary change—
I mean, having concentrated on changing
My role in our family, over these past twenty years
Perhaps it's time to broaden my focus in order to
Reconsider a highly generalized definition of family
Thus personalizing the concept of what
'Family first' has come to mean to me …

Can't help but wonder what I'll find myself
Thinking and feeling when this current mind shift
Pulls into the station, where, upon
Stopping to unload another suitcase of baggage
I'll embrace another life sustaining epiphany
After which, I'll rest my mind, refuel my spirit and
Ready my whole self for whatever
Joyful adventures and unexpected surprises
Will await my discovery, directly ahead
Whew! 

Now that sounds more like the Annie, whose
Self-directed need to create joy from within
Keeps her eyes, ears and mind wide open for—what?
For whatever delightful experience life has
In store for me, next

Actually, maybe I need to take a break from writing
For a while and just coast—
Because that which offers my mind, heart and spirit
So much personal satisfaction
Has begun to feel like a drag

Even so, have no fear of my cutting the line—
I mean, knowing myself as I do—
I'll not be gone fishing for long
After all—writing to you is 'my thing'

So, hopefully, upon my return
We'll pick up right where we left off—
Enjoying each other's company—
Free of undeserved guilt, which
I hope to unload, more fully than ever before—
As to the feelings and thoughts written but not posted
Yesterday—perhaps they will comprise the first post
Upon my return—perhaps, not …
Until then—as always—I wish your inner life and outer life well
Your deeply pensive friend,
Annie

1153 WHEN I GET SICK OF PERSONAL GROWTH …

2014
If you wonder if I ever get sick of
Diving into the depths of my mind in hopes of
Gaining insight into my need for personal growth
The answer is unequivocally YES!

On the other hand
Here's why I don't remain sick
Of seeking where personal growth proves
Necessary, overlong:
The other choice—namely
Diving ever more deeply into denial where
I Choose to remain stuck in a rut—
Causes me to linger in a place that feels bad for
This reason:  I have to close my eyes to the fact that
I'm walking through life, blinding myself to
This deeper truth - behind my smile
My defense system is hiding the primary reason
Why the conscious portion of my mind often feels
Confused and unhappy, and since
The subconscious portion of my mind knows
What happened that makes me feel like
A bad person when I know myself to be a good person
My spirit, feeling trapped and conflicted between
Good and bad, yearns to rebel against feeling
Resigned to remain stuck in this confounding state of
Limbo, over long ... and as I'd experienced blindsiding
Myself, resigning my decision-maker to accept
Situations that weighed heavy on my spirit, over long
I came to see, during my separation from Will, that
The second choice led to unhealthy results
Not only for my spirit, but for my state of mind and
Body, as well, because every part of me proves
Intrinsically connected to that which makes me feel
Miserably disjointed or joyful and wholly alive, so—
Though tis true that I get sick of intuition compelling
My conscious mind to dive ever more deeply into
The realm of self awareness in hopes of gaining
Insight into pockets of my subconscious where
My need for personal growth hides from plain sight
You can see why I believe so firmly in
The importance of clearing my mind of
Yesteryear's excess baggage, thus creating
Less confusion and clutter, more brain space
In which to consciously transform vulnerabilities into
Strengths, which, in turn, empowers my mind to
Produce a boundless profusion of joy—which
My soaring spirit delights in sprinkling, all around

And BTW:
Here's what I feel at those times when
Each new stage of personal growth is
Actively transforming a portion of my think tank
To evolve into a stranger to myself:
I feel in need of offering myself peps talk as
Positively focused as this next one proves to be:
I know myself to embrace strangers as friends
And I'm known to treat my friends, very well
Therefore, I trust myself to embrace this stranger
Who is evolving inside me so that both of us can
Feel welcomed into a joyful place that
Will feel a lot better to both as soon as
We've blended into a healthy whole than wherever
I'd felt capable of taking myself, before
And—as that's been true of my history, over
These past twenty years—
Here comes the bottom line, for today:
No matter life's mysterious complexities
My growing sense of self trust serves me well

PS
In truth, I wrote a lot more than this, this morning
Why?  Because I'm at that stage of personal growth where
Insights are popping out of my think tank, hot as
Kernels of corn, too many to relate with clarity until
I've taken time out to consider each one, separately, so as to
Lead myself toward an on-going series of mind-expanding
Breakthrough, each of which follows on the heels of
An epiphany, concerning my self worth, which
Proves of epic importance to my spirit's well being
And if I'm on target about this next curtain lifting inside my mind
Thus exposing yet another breakthrough in my wall of denial
I may be a step closer to revealing
The deep, dark, 'dirty' secret to myself, which
I've kept from my conscious mind in order to shield myself
From feeling the pain that my defense system thought best to
Repress ever since fate offered me reason to become
A terrified, deeply confounded child, and if you ask:
Annie, why are you writing about that secret, today?
Id reply:  I've been feeling really fearful, this week—
And rather than fending off fear by sticking my head in the sand
I'm choosing to focus consciously upon digging in deep …
Why?
Because rather than running away from
That which I fear, most of all
My intuition has been readying me to confront this
Childhood terror, head on, for this reason:
By this time in my life—
I know my mind works best when
My strength of spirit casts thoughts of fear of failure aside in favor of
Setting my mind to confront undeserved guilt, as well as
Whatever else life tosses across my path, as a whole—
Sooo—Having absorbed the content of these past several posts
I wonder if your intuition has begun to send you this signal:
I've been readying my whole brain to feel prepared
For a showdown with loved ones—again—
However, this time, insight gained, concerning my last mind shift
Will strengthen my voice in this brand new way:
I'm discovering thought patterns in need of change
And as the only thought pattern I can change is my own
I'm thankful that my bi-monthly session of EMDR is, this afternoon
You see, I know full well that though I may not be able to
Solve my loved one's problems, I am worthy of being love—so
If I know that to be true, what am I in need of working at, next?
I am in need of converting 'knowing' to 'feeling'—
Feeling myself worthy of love, so that if contempt is flung at me—
I don't catch it or fling it back
My goal?
Fling contempt at me, feel my compassion for your pain from me
If you tune in, tomorrow, we'll see whether
My intuition—concerning my mind shift, feeling
Ready to embrace this next phase of personal growth—
Is on target—
Wishing you a five star day—
Your friend,
Annie

1152 HAVE YOU EVER GONE SKYDIVING?

2014
I awoke this morning wondering—
Have you ever gone sky diving?
Perhaps, each of us sky dives in our own ways
Perhaps not
At any rate
I wonder if this has ever happened to you:
What if, one day, while you're out and about
Minding your business, feeling
Eager to enjoy whatever may lie directly ahead
You encounter an unexpected experience
Which causes your belief system—
Upon which your personal sense of safety depends—
To crack in half
And suddenly, everything inside your mind that
Had made you feel wholly yourself
Seems to fly apart to the point that
The only portion of your brain, which
Still, somehow, feels solidly grounded
Begins to play witness to amazing changes taking place
Within this stranger, whom you've amazingly become

The first time this happened to me
I felt like a fully assembled 500 piece puzzle that
Had suddenly, magically levitated and
As my 500 pieces floated free of
Feeling interlocked, together
Each of my strengths and vulnerabilities
Rose clearly before me, like a bouquet of
Colorful balloons, which, upon cutting
Their strings, flew so freely through space
As to make my sense of clarity
Grow ever more acutely aware of each
Part of me as being a clearly visible and
Separate entity from that which had
Created the sum of the whole person I'd believed
Myself to be until the surreal nature of
This mind blowing experience offered me
Sound reason to feel like a stranger to myself, thus
Catalyzing my need to embark upon—not
A flight of fancy but rather
A flight of self discovery, which
Seemingly has no end for this reason:
One stage of growth inspires the next, and
The next and the next until I gain insight into
This fact:
Each time intuition signals the
Imminent approach of another growth spurt
My instinct to mire myself in safety must
Muster the courage to secure my parachute in
Readiness to sky dive, again
And then, each time I take that leap of faith
In terms of going against the grain in order
To think for myself—no one is more surprised
To see me choose to fly solo
Than the world class people pleaser, whom
I'd been until my intuitive need for
Personal growth began to peck, like a new born chick
Through the protective shell, behind which my desire to
Free my spirit of the past had dwelled

If at this time, you'd think to ask:
Annie, what makes up the fabric of
This parachute that empowers you to
Dive solo and then place your faith in
Gliding on the winds of change toward
Personal safety, again?
Here's what I'd have replied in the past:
My parachute is made up of the support of my loved ones
In fact, a while back I wrote a post attesting to that belief
At that time, I'd believed that upon choosing to
Leap from my ivory tower of safety
My loved ones would surely hold fast to the net
Into which I'd surely land
However, if asked that question, today
Here's the deeper truth that speaks to me, now:
My parachute is made up of
A wide assortment of personal strengths, which
My think tank has worked to absorb
During each stage of life, thus far
And here's why my old belief has altered:
Though, the support of my loved ones feels
Necessary to my well being, deeper truth suggests
That each time I choose to leap into the great unknown
Flying solo, it's imperative
That my decision-making process has not been
Inherited, suggesting that the decisions I make
Are truly my own

Though I've never aspired to sky dive
Today's post describes what each stage of flight—
More commonly called Self Discovery—
Feels like to me—
Each time I think I know myself
My self confidence flies high
Each time I fill with self doubt
My self confidence takes a dive
So what makes me believe myself to be
A 'high self esteemer'?
Well—each time I land, with a thud
I pick myself up, brush off insecurity
Hold my head high
And rather than looking for a scapegoat to blame
For my aches and pains
I check out a vulnerability, which had, thus far
Masked itself as a half baked strength
Let me put it this way—
Here's what I imagine taking place
Inside my brain as each next stage of
Personal growth links up with whatever
Surprise life has in store for me next:

First off, picture me flying high in the sky, feeling
As insulated from fear of failure as I can get when
Suddenly the escape hatch of the plane—which
Is fueled to remain afloat with all who are
Seat belted into their seats—opens up—
And intuition won't stop whispering into my ear until
I muster the courage to strike out on my own, because
Something about remaining encased within
This steel machine stifles my spirit's need to
Be true to myself, which cannot happen as long as
I choose to remain belted in place within this
Particular plane, which is being directed by others
Whose needs extinguish that which
Fuels my personal desires
And thus do I, self directed by personal instinct
Muster the courage to unbuckle my seat belt
And strap on my parachute, whose fabric is
Woven securely with
The powers of conviction born of self trust
And each time I take that flying leap out of
The escape hatch, the pilot yells:
How dare she go off on her own, yet again!
Sooo—if this proves to be the case—repeatedly—
And if no man or woman is an island—why has
Taking a flying leap out of this escape hatch
Become my pattern ever since Will and I separated
Twenty years back?  Well—

What if each time the escape hatch within
My mind beckons, and I listen
My soul experiences
This incredible lightness of being, because
My spirit feels—OMG—so amazingly liberated
As to need to feel this sensation of
Freedom to be ME
Again and again!

What if
Though leaping from my ivory tower
Proves scary, time and again
Each succeeding success suggests that each next time
Proves less scary than the time before—for sound reason

What if
Each time I muster the courage to
Wholly embrace an adventurous experience
Thus freeing another narrow mindset of inner constraint
My spirit soars to heights of such indescribable delight
That every puzzling piece of me comes together
In a way as to rejuvenate my entire being, and
My joie de vie feels as heady as if
I'm high on a natural drug, which
Reaches straight into the depths of my soul
And then—

What if
Having chosen to take this daring plunge
Into intuitive pleasure, life's lessons
Continue to coach me as to when to pull the rip cord
On my parachute so as to allow my good sense
To float gently toward the earth, where
My expanded state of mind can reground itself without
Feeling a sudden, painful thud, suggesting that
Reality and fantasy can't mix when the powers of
Imagination dictate that's just not so
And if at this point, you ask:  So each time you take
This plunge, what's actually changed in the long run?
I'd smile and reply:
Each time another mindset expands, my comfort zone complies
Each time my ever strengthening sense of intuition
Moves me through one stage of growth
Toward the next my conscious mind becomes ever
More ready to embrace both sides of me as a whole

Upon embracing both sides of myself
My think tank connects with reality more clearly
Than ever before—and so in answer to what's changed
I'd reply:
The more aware I grow of myself the
Less judgmental of others I become, suggesting that
I'm good with the fact that
Just as I'm meant to be me, you're meant to be you
And having come to see that both of us are okay
I'm less prone to attempt to control that which
Repeatedly proves beyond my control, and
Each time I consciously relinquish control, what
Do I leave behind?  Denial
What do I regain?  Peace of mind

Next, if you ask:
Annie, does anything remain unchanged while
You move through these stages of personal growth
I'd say:  Sure.
First of all
I've never led a loved one to a place that did not prove to be
Better than wherever we'd been before
Secondly
My heart still aches for those whose fears
Lock their spirits inside steel machines
Where narrow mindsets look for
Scapegoats to blame for unhappiness
That seeps ever more deeply into
The pores of their souls as they age …

As to those who fly free once
And then choose to tether themselves to routine
Which feels comfortable to them—well—
That's no longer true of me
Though thrill seeking, dare devil
I most certainly am not—
As seen by the fact that
My Line of Control has woven itself
Throughout a significant portion
Of my parachute—
Whenever life offers me reason to dive
Ever more deeply into my mind
Each next stage of personal growth feels
So monumental to one who had been
A world class pleaser, like me, that
Once I'd experienced feeling
True to myself, through and through
My spirit grew so strong as to embrace
This need for existential freedom, forever more
And though I continue to grow toward freeing my traits
Of yesteryear's guilt ridden constraints
Day by day, here's what
Trips me up, from time to time—
Upon diving into uncharted territory
It's not unusual for another piece of my
Belief system to spring a leak
And here's why that feels mighty uncomfortable
Yet again:

Each time another piece of my 500 piece puzzle
Is in the process of reshaping itself
All of the other pieces begin to quiver
For this reason:
As soon as one piece changes—
Change begets change—
And that my friends is why
Change is the only constant in life
So here's the thing:
We can choose to get with
A new perspective of life as it proves
To be, today, or we can remain stuck in the past
Scratching our heads while asking
Alfie:  What's it all about?

Have you seen Alfie?
Not exactly the kind of guy I'd go to for advice

The kind of guy I'd go to would be one
Who has worked to acquire personal strengths
Necessary to make mindful adjustments, knowing
That life offers up one sound reason after another
To question mindsets, which had, seemingly
Been written in stone by voices who
Had authorized whom we should grow up to be
When we were too young, malleable and impressionable
To recognize how fallible the opinions of
Our elders may have been
And thus as I write and you read, we'll watch
The active nature of my mind strap on parachutes
Each time my spirit feels the need to muster the
Courage necessary to leap from
Tall buildings with a single bound—
In hopes of strengthening another vulnerability
Before placing my super heroine cape
Neatly in an easily assessable drawer
Once an unexpected change sees me
Landing on my feet more securely than
Ever before!

PS
If this needs editing, furgetit
It was more than enough to awaken and
Write, word for word, whatever felt the need
To pour forth, straight from my—soul
And having tired my think tank
The little that's left of my brain is about to
direct my body to submerge in the hot tub
Where sun, blue sky, my grapefruit tree and
Oh yes, exercise, awaits—
Then, it's off to the dentist I go, because
Reality dictates that necessity—from time to time—
Because I want to keep my teeth
And as my teeth brighten my smile
I plan to get there right on time, knowing that
Later in the afternoon
Fantasy awaits, because
It's Tuesday, and we're planning to
Spend some time with whatever takes place
Inside Woody Allen's brain space …
See ya, tomorrow!

PSS
Yesterday
Closed my eyes
Got on the scale
Opened my eyes
Lost those pounds
That eating ice cream
Daily for two months, put on
Last night, enjoyed a GNO—and
Having toasted happy birthday
To a dear friend, I sipped my
First taste of wine in four weeks—
Life feels good
When we set realistic goals
Make simple plans
Enjoy the fruit of our labor

1151 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED (18)

2014

This morning, I found this post (and one to follow) left behind in drafts.  It was originally written on January 16, 2012.  As timing is everything, it's interesting to note that during these ten days— connecting Rosh Hashanah, a time of reflection, renewal and personal growth with Yom Kippur, our day of atonement and personal commitment to change-for-the-better—it seems fitting to reflect over these deeply personal thoughts, written close to three years ago, today.

18

As you already know, therapy, which serves as a bridge, connecting my conscious mind to fears, embedded behind my many layered defensive wall, deepens my sense of self-awareness.   Until recently, I'd no clue that between the ages of three and four, I'd adopted a subconscious mindset, doubting my worthiness of feeling lovable, unless I was meeting the needs of others.  As one change leads to another, the adoption of this self demeaning attitude led me to develop the self defeating trait of subservience, which, over the long run, proved not to serve me well.
This imbalance between selflessness and self awareness, saw me growing up blind to this fact:  *Any experience that remotely resembled the latent memory of my fear of unworthiness was cause for anxiety to arise.  Sit me in the hot seat, 'suggesting' that I've not placed your needs over mine and quick as a wink, watch my think tank fill with emotional
 static as undeserved guilt burns my sense of logic to a crisp.

It's been proven that as anxiety signals the brain to pump adrenalin through the blood stream in readiness to fight/flee/freeze, the problem solving portions of our think tanks fill with static, rendering your Neo cortex and mine to react like two hard drives that crash when too many files fly open, at once.  When the brain's 'hard drive' crashes, tidal waves of emotion lock out logical-thought-processing skills at exactly those times when we're most in need of maintaining orderly control over our thoughts.  In order to clear my conscious mind of fear of failure during times of conflict, I work to maintain open pathways to logic in hopes of sheltering my loved ones from battering each other's psyches.  And thus did I create THE LINE OF CONTROL, which as you know, I chose to role model, first for my sons, and then wherever life took me.

If you ask how THE LINE OF CONTROL offers me solace during times of unresolved conflict, I'd reply:  Time and again, experience has taught me to remain attentive to this lesson:  When few understand the complexities, which undermine the good health of a specific relationship, someone must figure out the underlying dynamics, which cause a loving friendship to grow, step by step, toward engaging in a power struggle of maximized proportions.  *The only way to stop power struggling in hopes of maintaining the last threads of a relationship is to drop your end of the rope—then, rather than saying good riddance, I choose to seek guidance within a quiet haven where feeling emotionally safe from further insult to my best character traits, I can think calmly, logically and more clearly than ever before.
In order to think deep, I must work to thin out layers of my defensive wall, which thickened up, over time, to protect my heart from incurring additional bouts of injurious emotional pain.  In recent years, I've had cause to see that going back for more of 'same/old/same/old' makes no sense, at all.  In fact the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing in the same way and expecting a different result.  Been there, done that for too many years.  Quoth the raven:  Nevermore.   When negative attitudes are in need of change, someone needs to figure out patterns of thought and behavior, which exacerbate conflict on both sides.  Speaking for myself—

*Each time I'd feared not measuring up, a bout of insecurity weakened the fabric of the sum of my strengths.  In this way did unidentified insecurity place deeply valued friendships at risk until I'd remember to muster the courage to trust in my powers of intuition, yet again.  Whenever intuition suggests retreat, today, I listen attentively until such time as my sixth sense suggests that, upon deeper consideration, I have sound reason to reopen a door in my protective wall, which 
had need to close but does not lock.  Today, when another person's misperception of my thoughts, motives or actions sits me in the hot seat, I no longer feel intimidated.  As long as self trust is mine, no jackhammer is needed to penetrate my defensive wall in hopes of reaching my sense of logic. This is not to say that sitting in the hot seat is not a painful place to be.  It's just that I no longer feel so confused to find myself in the hot seat as to allow complexity to burns up my sense of logic.  And this combination of logic, self respect and compassion offers my voice a brand new sense of freedom to speak up in defense of myself.  

By this point in my life, I've experienced sound reason to empower my sixth sense to lead the rest of the widely diverse villagers who inhabit my conscious mind.  Each time intuition encourages my whole mind to remain as calm under fire as possible, I am capable of listening astutely to that which others say they believe of me.  With THE LINE OF CONTROL as my ally, I can remain attentive to detail, thus gaining insight into why distortions of my best character traits may be taking place.
Upon listening attentively before responding, I can track the misperceptions of others, and once I ascertain why a person I love feels the need to put me down, I can respond in such a way as to iron out wrinkles without laying guilt or putting a loved one down when it's my turn to voice my views.  Though that is not new to me, here is 
what is:  Having come to know both sides of my traits in depth, the hot seat no longer feels hot.
As my goal is focused upon defusing defensive reactions in favor of restoring the conversation to logic, laced with compassion, you may see why 'readiness to confront conflict' speaks of mustering a whale of patience to me.  I do not hide in plain sight, resort to sarcastic, passive aggressive comments or plan for attack.  I plan for peaceful conflict resolution, at long last.  And that describes the person I know myself to have grown to be, thus far.  We are taught that each one must do his own work—and I have.  And do.  Just that.

Each time a subconscious 'memory' of pain takes a bite out of my sense of inner peace, today, you'll watch that undertow of anxiety begin to power up.  *In the past, latent anxiety derailed my straightforward, solution-seeking track of mind.  As those stories unfold, you'll watch my sense of clarity fog up in direct proportion to anxiety severing my connection to self trust.
*In the absence of self-trust, anxiety is free to spike.  Each time this unidentified, negatively focused cycle picks up steam, you'll watch my spirit, which had seemed secure, suddenly barrel down hill.  Thankfully, that's no longer true, today.

If you ask why that downhill scenario is as true for good hearted souls, today, as when the bard had breathed life into the brilliance of his scripts—as quick as he could ink his quill—I'd reply:  There's bad news and good news.  Let's get the bad news out of the way, first:
*As both sides of human nature (fear and courage) will exist, forever, every generation will face the same-old-same-old classic, universal and timeless dilemmas.  *Each time a frightened mind escapes from pain by seeking refuge in attack or slipping into Denialand, self-trust has no chance to mature.
*If latent insecurities, carried forward from childhood remain subconsciously unprocessed and raw, then one negative train of thought leads to another until negative thought patterns create negatively focused attitudes, which fog up the logical thought processing center in our brains, thus turning life into a cyclical maze that grows ever more confusing with each step we take.  As I want to age with lightness of spirit intact, I'd best figure out how best to balance my needs with the needs of those I love.  Makes sense.  Right?

*If, over time, denial blocks Jack or Jill—or both—from acknowledging the main reason why two strong spirits continue to climb uphill only to barrel back down, repeatedly, then it's impossible to engage in discussions where deeper truths clarify fear-driven misperceptions, which create sparks of negatively focused tension, zinging back and forth through the air.  *If, over time, distrust heightens frustration on both sides then two defensive walls are raised; separate camps develop, and masks and shields hide how sadly hearts are missing each other's company, and everyone who cares loses.  *When misperceptions continue to pile up and neither wall is dismantled, both sides may lose sight of how best to put two heads together to take positive steps toward narrowing the gap, which continues to erode and widen if left on its own.

When a major, underlying issue goes undetected and thus unresolved, one long standing misunderstanding creates many more, all of which fuse together, creating patterns of behavior, in need of identifying, so that hope of resolving a conflict does not wain on both sides.   At this point it's not unusual for two intelligent minds to have soaked in so many mixed messages that Mixed-Messaged-Madness exacerbates emotional chaos until neither smart heart can figure out which end is up or ‘who’s on first’.
As to observers, who see only surface reactions, most have no clue as to the complexity that needs sorting out.  Having gleaned much of this information from the books I choose to read while engaging in therapy and from personal experience, as well—there are times when silence feels more golden to loquacious me than I can explain off the top of my head.  During deeply complex times, separation and sanity go hand in hand—for this reason:
*As frustration builds behind both walls, fuses shorten, and fireworks, which build up, over time, need to blow off steam—not a pretty sight for any to behold—most especially when name calling adds to the tension that makes it hard to breathe.  As oxygen is necessary for the think tank to work effectively, I work to maintain my Line of (emotional) Control until depth of understanding is mine.

So now, in the nick of time, here's the good news:  Each time I gain a deeper sense of insight into defense mechanisms, which build walls around latent insecurities on both sides, I come to see why self awareness, self respect and mutual respect must feel nourished if love is to deepen, flourish and burst into full bloom.  With self trust, darkened attitudes stop drilling holes into logical trains of thought.  Once logic holds hands with positively focused attitudes, cups, which had sprung leaks, refill.  Once insecurity stops shooting holes into each others' cups, we grow wise in terms of celebrating each other's steps toward personal growth, day by day.

Every relationship may be likened to the climate in the Midwest, which grows better or worse, but does not stay the same, very long.  *This post expresses my belief that a union made in heaven can transform into everyone's worst possible nightmare, one step at a time—if—self trust stumbles and tumbles down hill, early on—with no one growing wiser as to how depth in self awareness on both sides may save the day in the nick of time.  Unlike the weather, emotional climates don't improve on their own.  Emotional climates improve when hot winded insinuations cool off at least enough to figure out what each side misperceives of the other.  Believe me—that's quite a task to demand of oneself when one is flinging insults and the other is shielding a heart from absorbing further abuse.

*By way of seeking insight into myself, it's come clear that positive focus plus patience, on the part of at least one mind—which floats on hope—may stop a vicious cycle by stepping away from the emotional fray while working—free of tension—to figure out how best to turn a stalled relationship around.  As I've written, many times over:  Readiness for change is everything.  On the other hand, success is not ours until readiness to deepen self awareness takes place on both sides.  When that's not the case, we must live in peace with the fact that we have done everything humanly possible to keep the door in our own protective wall unlocked, for this reason:  Two walls exist.  And the only wall of denial that each can consciously choose to take down, layer by layer, is our own.  Why is that true?  Experience has proven, time and again, that a mind, fueled by denial, is as fierce an adversary as logic will ever come up against. 

When asked why I work faithfully to turn insecure cycles toward self trust and mutual trust laced with compassion for those with whom I find myself in conflict, my answer is simple:  The emotional, mental and physical health of my loved ones is worth every Herculean effort.  *In fact, refocusing my energy in hopes of being instrumental in catalyzing a rebirth of harmony by working to connect my growing sense of self respect with compassion for those whose misdirected anger creates a scapegoat of me, is the most crucial work I've undertaken, as of yet.

*As patience, humility, courage and insight into compassion create the combination of personal strengths that breathes life into loving relationships, dark days lie ahead for any who remain unaware of this fact:  Unresolved anxiety causes us to drop each other’s hands.  And eventually, letting loose with one insult after another penetrates the most compassionately insulated heart.  When this continues to be the case, overlong—sanity and separation can't help but hold hands.

Having worked determinedly to gain insight into defense mechanisms, which build walls of denial around subconscious insecurities, I've come to see why self respect, on both sides, strengthens the interconnectedness of two hearts and minds.  *Once we work to broaden narrow mindsets, life lightens up; clarity fills in a story's holes; misperceptions clear up; cups overflow with gratitude and generosity of spirit blows up each other's balloons!  How do I know this to be true?  Patience, my friend—once we turn off the heartbreak faucet, heartwarming stories, over flowing with tales of successful disengagement from power struggles will pour forth from my think tank.

*As instinct led me to study, teach and absorb family dynamics for several decades, I’ve come to believe that self doubt, which heightens anxiety, may be the culprit that erodes loving relationships, more often than we know.  *Since no one escapes childhood emotionally unscathed, shadows of self-doubt may be the ornery critters that darken our perceptions into misperceptions.

*To our great misfortune, misperceptions distort the innocent intentions of loved ones in the same way that a fun house mirror alters the reflected image of each person, who stands before it.  *In short, that which we see through eyes of fear may distort the truth of another's vulnerabilities and strengths.  If you ask why we see certain people as 'better' than they are, while we 'see' others in a darker light ... well the complexity inherent in that answer will simplify, story by story.  On the other hand, here's a simplified answer that I can offer up, today:

*We tend to white wash the traits of certain people while painting the traits of others in a darker hue because—love is blind.  When love blinds us to clarity, we dismiss painful realities by moving into Denialand, where personal growth gets stuck inside a ton of baggage that remains locked with no key in sight—as of yet.   BTW—as long as we mistake narrowness of thought for loyalty, no one achieves win-win.

*Those of us who come down too hard on our own vulnerabilities tend to send ourselves on undeserved guilt trips.  *Those who sweep compassion aside, thus 'putting down' the vulnerabilities of others, bury their heads in a whirl of denial.  *Once both sides open their eyes to self defeating patterns, which exist at opposite ends of the spectrum, that's when two minds will grow wise enough to narrow the gap—and not before.

It's one thing to dig in deep seeking insight.  It's another to bury one's head in denial and feel wronged, thereby making a perpetual victim of oneself.  Before readiness for change-for-the-better ripens, personal patterns must be identified and understood—on both sides.

If you wonder what this post has to do with traits acquired by two siblings, whose first five years of life had differed dramatically from each other … let's see what took place, right after my baby sister, Janet, died.  Then we'll witness emotional changes, which took place in our home, after my baby sister, Lauren was born  …

Oh—BTW:  At first, while posting, I'd highlighted certain insights to resemble light sabers, which empower our minds to ignite positive change.  As I've tired of that, I've chosen to simplify this process, by starring those insights, instead.  *Lots of stars within a post points to the fact that I'm readying my mind to re-visit a terrifying time, with less fear, for this reason:  Over time, I've worked diligently to absorb pertinent insights into my character development ever more deeply—and as repetition is not redundant when the goal is retention I remind myself of this fact:  *We cannot know another in depth until we no longer fear knowing both sides of ourselves.

As mentioned before—being a guy, Socrates would have summarized this entire post into two words:  Know Thyself.  Unfortunately, most of his peers, who didn't get the message, sentenced the sage to death—and thus has kill the messenger spoken to us from that early time straight through to this very day.  Having experienced that myself too many times to count, I think long and hard before taking the role of messenger upon myself.

When I choose to be quiet, you can believe sound reason has caused a person, as loquacious as me to retreat into an emotionally safe haven in which to think deeply and peaceable in hopes that insight into a mental breakthrough may, one day, be mine.  It takes a whale of logical thought to sift through emotional complexity in hopes of coming up with a simple plan that offers compassion, inner peace and love to every heart saddened by conflict, which remains unresolved.

When my therapist suggested that I'm addicted to hope.  I replied:  Thank God for that!  Just think of the sorry road I'd travel without it.  Today, I'd add:  Guess what fuels my sense of hope?  All of those strings of insight, which fly around inside my mind like swarms of fireflies, lighting up thoughts, which had once been dark.

1149 IT TAKES A VILLAGE

2014
What a wonderful world this would be

If every child, born on this day, forward

Is raised within a village

Where this philosophy of life

Is as well practiced by those in authority
As it is often preached:

All is peaceful, all in beauty,

All in harmony, all in joy. 

—Navajo prayer

If a village exists within your mind and mine
Suggesting differing degrees of
Fear of this, courage for that

May I respectfully ask

Whom you have deemed
Commander and chief, over all?

Though we cannot control
The defensive reactions of others
We are empowered with the potential to
Develop control over our own
So, rather than assuming the worst of loved ones
Let's agree to adopt this simple two step plan:

Let's calm our minds and ask pertinent questions
Followed by listening attentively to answers offered
Thus lessening our chances of misunderstanding the
True intentions of our loved ones' words and actions
And by making good use of this simple plan
We'll actually offer each other the benefit of the doubt

Each time we question calmly and listen effectively  ...
Understanding and mutual respect deepen, thus
Restoring inner peace on both sides, and ...
Once this simple two step plan has had time
To travel round the globe ...
What a wonderful world this will be

1148 A TIMELY PRAYER

2014
During this holiday of new beginnings
A specific prayer spoke to me of
That which troubles most minds
In our nation, today—namely war:

We pray for all who hold positions of leadership and responsibility in our national life.  Let your blessings rest upon them and make them responsive …  so that our nation may be to the world an example of justice and compassion … Cause us to see clearly that the well-being of our nation is in the hands of all its citizens; imbue us with zeal for the cause of liberty in our own land and in all lands …

If you said:
Annie, I hate to think of our young people
Fighting on foreign shores
I'd wholeheartedly agree
Then reality would speak to me, and I'd add:
Our young are sent to fight over there
To keep those who mean us harm far from here …
Suggesting why reality is often so hard to bear

1147 A DAY OF REFLECTION AND FEASTING

Today will be spent in reflection
At High Holy Day services
After which family and friends will be
Warmly welcomed into our home
Where loved ones, eager to gather, together
Will enjoy a sumptuous feast in celebration of
A happy, healthy New Year
And as chief cook and bottle washer
Tis time to turn my attention
To tending to last minute details before
Leaving for services, garbed in holiday finery
Wishing you a fine feast of a day!
Your friend,
Annie