2014
Here's what I've recently learned to ask myself when anxiety heightens: I wonder if an experience that I'm involved in, today, has unlocked the spring release on my 'baggage', suggesting that an unidentified fear has leaped from my subconscious into my conscious mind. Once this unnamed fear has been aroused, anxiety creating mental tension, severs my connection to intutive thought, where solution seeking plans shape up, naturally, inside my mind. As anxiety heightens, my self trust declines, and next thing I know, I'm judging myself guilty of some act of selfishness when nothing could be further from the truth. Having learned how easily subconscious fear filters into our conscious minds, I take a time out to think really deep in hopes of coaxing that fear to show itself to me so that whatever is really causing my anxiety to excalate calms down.
While pondering upon what's taking place in my life that's arousing such a heightened state of internal discomfort, I consider whether my recent actions are truly guilty of wrong doing or whether I feel guilty about placing my needs in the same pot that's usually reserved for the needs of everyone I love. If I determine that fullfilling a personal need, which makes my heart, mind and spirit soar, is also arousing feelings of guilt, I calm my noodle in order to plug into intuitive thought, which historically inspires me to satisfy needs in such a responsible fashion as to conjure up simple plans, based in logic, that consider the well being of everyone, including me.
Though taking time out to think deep has been my pattern for years, here's what's new: respecting my needs instead of feeling guilty of being selfish. Whenever thoughts of being selfish fill me with guilt, I can only see two choices: chose them or choose me. The narrowness of that thought pattern forgets the entire spectrum of logical choices, separating selflessness from selfishness—which prove to be polar opposites. Tension produced by such a black or white attitude does not allow me to make good use of all of the grey matter that exists between my ears, and as I've mentioned before, selflessness is not all that it's cracked up to be. Once I learn to consider my needs respectfully (stories to come), I'll make good use of time out to calm anxiety until insight brightens my mind with a simple plan that's based in the concept of—balance in all things.
It's important to note that balance in all things includes balancing emotion with logic, and here's why that's true: Once insight into identifying a subconscious fear is mine, clarity offers anxiety sound reason to calm down. At this point, peace of mind is mine and my brain functions as a whole. As this process deepens my sense of self trust, intuition, which had been out of commission, feels free to rise like a Phoenix, and next thing I know, my sixth sense whispers a simple plan into my ear. Knowing that these plans have met with success for more than forty years, I return to the solution seeking table feeling so re-vitalized that my spirit can't sit still for wanting to dance a jig.
Each time a simple plan pops out of my mind, I enjoy an AHA! moment, followed by—now why didn't I think of that, before! Then, I remind myself that anxiety is born of a negatively focused attitude, and negative attitudes create inner conflict, which runs interference with positively focused, solution seeking plans that prove to be intuitive in nature …
And as today's train of thought pulls into the station, please keep these points in mind until you hear ... All Aboard ... when the sun comes out, tomorrow:
Subconscious fear need not be traumatic to disrupt the brain from functioning as a well balanced whole …
Subconscious fear, which causes the solution-seeking portion of the brain to tense up, may seem utterly unrelated to the experience that is stimulating anxiety to rise until you dive in deep ...
When we are not accustomed to diving deep, we tend to believe we know what's causing anxiety to heighten, when in truth—we don't—for this reason: We don't know what we don't know until that which we don't know is known—and once we know that which we didn't know before, everything that didn't make sense makes perfect sense, at last. If you feel skeptical about the logic behind that brain twister, I believe you'll trust me to know what I'm talking about as the next couple of stories unfold … Seriously. if you know me at all, you know I dig in until deeper truth speaks to me, and that's why I'm not known for being insightful for nothing ... Last thought for today: Imagine me having fun with double negatives ... LOL ...
Monday, July 21, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
1085 (21) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 28
21
2002
While we're engaged in discussing listening skills, Mom asks me to decode this mind bending insight:
There's so much we each think to know, but don't. Not just about others. About ourselves. Though I knew that listening to a closed-minded attitude, running in circles like a gerbil on a wheel, made my head ache with futility, here's what I didn't know in 2002 that I know, now—my head ached for this reason: I had no clue how often my little voice of intuition implored me to switch my attitude from reasoning with a close minded wall to opening a door inside my head that would allow me to see the tower of frustration, which, ultimately over powered my last thread of patience. In short, my build up of frustration felt like TNT about to explode my last shred of logic if I forced my think tank to absorb even one more word that I'd heard a thousand times before. (Think camel and last straw.) As I'd not yet gained insight into the futility of trying to take down any defensive wall other than my own, I'd been blind to this fact, as well: The only way to lower my frustration was to make better use of my energy by conversing with minds, which were open to 'looking in'. In 2002, I'd learned very little about the deafness of defensive walls, including mine. So as we return to my conversation with Mom, you'll watch me express morsels of information that my mind had amassed, thus far:
2002
2002
While we're engaged in discussing listening skills, Mom asks me to decode this mind bending insight:
‘We don’t know what we don’t know.’
"That's a clever way of saying: *We forget that the little we know is not all there is to know. When judgment is based in the little that can be seen on the surface, it's easy to underestimate the depths of each one's abilities, experiences, complexities and repressed emotions. If while listening, we underestimate the speaker's intelligence, we may mistakenly minimize the depth of that individual’s connection to courage and endurance when trials and tribulations pile up and just won't quit. Misperceive someone's strengths, too often, and watch internal resentment cause bonds of intimacy to unravel.
*Knowing the human brain to be hard wired (preprogrammed) to make snap judgments, I work to recognize and neutralize my judgments while listening to a person's story unfold. Why? *Because misjudgment tends to cancel heartfelt compassion, which serves as a people-connector.
If, while listening to a person's story unfold, my scope is too narrow, I may withhold emotional support when that's what's needed most. When our minds compare another person's experience to one of our own, our scope tends to be so egocentric in nature that it's easy to mistake apples for oranges.
*Knowing the human brain to be hard wired (preprogrammed) to make snap judgments, I work to recognize and neutralize my judgments while listening to a person's story unfold. Why? *Because misjudgment tends to cancel heartfelt compassion, which serves as a people-connector.
If, while listening to a person's story unfold, my scope is too narrow, I may withhold emotional support when that's what's needed most. When our minds compare another person's experience to one of our own, our scope tends to be so egocentric in nature that it's easy to mistake apples for oranges.
By listening attentively, I work to by pass snap judgments, thereby consciously neutralizing my opinion until my sense of logic has considered each detail as it's revealed. *Each time I recognize and stop a premature judgment from filtering through my thoughts, my listening skills sharpen. In this way, my emotional reactions don't darken or lighten the main issue, which the speaker is working to convey.
*This attitude of consciously sharpening my listening acuity keeps my mind focused solely upon the specific situation at hand. When personal thoughts do not muddy up the conversation, my focus grasps and digests the crux of the problem as it stands. *While collecting details, which fill in the blanks of a story, the complexity of the speaker’s dilemma clarifies, and as my questions tend to be sensitively placed, compassionately phrased and focused on problem solving, we get to the heart of the matter."
"Annie, you don't always listen as patiently as you think."
"Of course not, Mom. My brain is as human as anyone else's. That's why listening skills need to be practiced, every day. For the most part, I listen attentively to maintain a lucid sense of solution-seeking clarity. However, if I hear the same details, cycling round, repeatedly, like a broken record without a hint of interest in creating change for the better, all around then my patience wears thin. Eventually, listening to a closed minded attitude, which blocks the other person's brain from absorbing any sense of problem-solving logic, my head aches with a growing sense of futility. Finally, when a pounding sense of futility outweighs my connection to patience, interruption ensues …
2014There's so much we each think to know, but don't. Not just about others. About ourselves. Though I knew that listening to a closed-minded attitude, running in circles like a gerbil on a wheel, made my head ache with futility, here's what I didn't know in 2002 that I know, now—my head ached for this reason: I had no clue how often my little voice of intuition implored me to switch my attitude from reasoning with a close minded wall to opening a door inside my head that would allow me to see the tower of frustration, which, ultimately over powered my last thread of patience. In short, my build up of frustration felt like TNT about to explode my last shred of logic if I forced my think tank to absorb even one more word that I'd heard a thousand times before. (Think camel and last straw.) As I'd not yet gained insight into the futility of trying to take down any defensive wall other than my own, I'd been blind to this fact, as well: The only way to lower my frustration was to make better use of my energy by conversing with minds, which were open to 'looking in'. In 2002, I'd learned very little about the deafness of defensive walls, including mine. So as we return to my conversation with Mom, you'll watch me express morsels of information that my mind had amassed, thus far:
2002
... On the other hand, when I'm the one in the hot seat, listening to another person’s perception of me, I need to muster the courage, patience, humility, and self control to listen thoroughly in hopes of responding with clarity for this reason: I can't attain clarity until my frustration has calmed down. And that's why the most important listening skill requires sitting my ego in time out, which frees my intelligence to listen more attentively than ever before."
"That's a lot to expect of people, Annie."
"I know that, Mom. I didn't say I expect that of others. I'm referring to that which I've come to expect of myself. Here's what I'm getting at: *If two people develop the strength to consciously place their defensive reactions in time out then both embrace attitudes of mutual trust, necessary for securing emotional intimacy—which doubles our solution seeking acuity. (As it takes lots of concentration to identify defensive reactions that mess with mental absorption, you might want to read that insight twice.)
If attitude is everything then people who bend toward listening to constructive criticism, calmly, are apt to simplify emotional complexity by engaging in discussions where both feel open to learning from each other. Mutual respect allows us to engage in discussions where misperceptions are not reasons for blood to boil. All too often, misperception makes us react like angry, wounded bears. Rather than absorbing insight into vulnerabilities we don't know we expose, we feel like attacking the messenger. When conversations remain calm, compassionate and mutually respectful, misperceptions, which might otherwise arouse insulted feelings crackling with tension, tend to straighten out on the spot.
If attitude is everything then people who bend toward listening to constructive criticism, calmly, are apt to simplify emotional complexity by engaging in discussions where both feel open to learning from each other. Mutual respect allows us to engage in discussions where misperceptions are not reasons for blood to boil. All too often, misperception makes us react like angry, wounded bears. Rather than absorbing insight into vulnerabilities we don't know we expose, we feel like attacking the messenger. When conversations remain calm, compassionate and mutually respectful, misperceptions, which might otherwise arouse insulted feelings crackling with tension, tend to straighten out on the spot.
“That can’t happen all the time, Annie.”
“Of course not, Mom. My point is that peaceful resolution takes place too rarely. When misperceptions are flung back and forth, a power struggle is born, and the crux of a conflict remains buried beneath the rubble. As soon as insensitive judgments zing, back and forth through the air, conversations, charged with negative energy, grow as angry and tense as a hungry, uncaged zoo—and that's especially true when the defensive reactions of two families gang up on another—think Hatfields and McCoys.
Like any skill that's worth cultivating, listening skills take time and practice to develop. *When opposing attitudes make a conscious effort to think wisely instead of responding defensively, emotional baggage is less apt to snap open and boomerang, back and forth. Once we're not afraid to 'look in' and identify our baggage, we can unload it without flinging insults, back and forth. Less baggage, less head on collisions. More logical clarity, deeper emotional interconnection.
"You know, Annie, I never thought of listening as a skill in need of developing."
"Well, Mom, it is. And no skill develops without practice in consistency. *As listening skills develop, hot-headed conversations become level headed. Once negatively focused tension, which heightens anxiety, decreases, all around, no one throws a clear-headed train of thought off the solution-seeking track. *When two people learn how to switch from close minded defensiveness to open minded problem solving, we listen to details in need of reconsideration. And that's what it takes to stay on track with all of the people we love—not just those who agree with us.
Like any skill that's worth cultivating, listening skills take time and practice to develop. *When opposing attitudes make a conscious effort to think wisely instead of responding defensively, emotional baggage is less apt to snap open and boomerang, back and forth. Once we're not afraid to 'look in' and identify our baggage, we can unload it without flinging insults, back and forth. Less baggage, less head on collisions. More logical clarity, deeper emotional interconnection.
"You know, Annie, I never thought of listening as a skill in need of developing."
"Well, Mom, it is. And no skill develops without practice in consistency. *As listening skills develop, hot-headed conversations become level headed. Once negatively focused tension, which heightens anxiety, decreases, all around, no one throws a clear-headed train of thought off the solution-seeking track. *When two people learn how to switch from close minded defensiveness to open minded problem solving, we listen to details in need of reconsideration. And that's what it takes to stay on track with all of the people we love—not just those who agree with us.
When Will and separated, I experienced some very painful lessons about love and friendship, which, for one reason or another, prove common to us, all. *Eventually, insights into love and life, which, at first, had been really difficult for me to absorb, catalyzed a mindful change in every relationship I'd valued. *Ultimately, experiences that blew my mind caused many of my perceptions to expand, and as my perceptions expanded, so did my attitudes and comfort zones.
*As attitude is everything, my expanded views of life, friendship and love turned me into a stranger to myself—and at first, I didn't like my 'new' self, at all. *I was blind to growing pains preceding personal gains, because I had no clue that while separating from Will, my subconscious was releasing pain, which had been repressed (numbed) ever since certain experiences had traumatized me in fifth and six grades. In fact, I didn't even know those experiences were traumatic in nature until I learned that to be true in therapy! Though those raw and unhealed traumas wreaked havoc with my self confidence more than once, no one thought to diagnosis an upbeat person, like me, with PTSD until recently.
*Today, I've grown more honest with myself about myself. *The more I learn about both sides of human nature, classic to us all, the less surprised I am by reactions, which had shocked me so painfully. Today, I work consciously not to pour salt into yesterday's unhealed wounds. And just as I don't let others push my buttons, I try not to push my own. (In 2002, I didn't know what I know, now, about buttons that others pushed with my permission, because I was blind to the ways in which my subconscious had piled undeserved guilt upon myself.)
*As attitude is everything, my expanded views of life, friendship and love turned me into a stranger to myself—and at first, I didn't like my 'new' self, at all. *I was blind to growing pains preceding personal gains, because I had no clue that while separating from Will, my subconscious was releasing pain, which had been repressed (numbed) ever since certain experiences had traumatized me in fifth and six grades. In fact, I didn't even know those experiences were traumatic in nature until I learned that to be true in therapy! Though those raw and unhealed traumas wreaked havoc with my self confidence more than once, no one thought to diagnosis an upbeat person, like me, with PTSD until recently.
*Today, I've grown more honest with myself about myself. *The more I learn about both sides of human nature, classic to us all, the less surprised I am by reactions, which had shocked me so painfully. Today, I work consciously not to pour salt into yesterday's unhealed wounds. And just as I don't let others push my buttons, I try not to push my own. (In 2002, I didn't know what I know, now, about buttons that others pushed with my permission, because I was blind to the ways in which my subconscious had piled undeserved guilt upon myself.)
*The more I learn about growing pains, the more appreciative I feel concerning the concept of choice, which expands my ability to grow into the person I need to be, today. *Whenever an unexpected experience blows in like a gale, forcing me to engage with a growth spurt, I look for insight into another attitude, adopted during childhood, which is in need of reconsideration if I want my emotional intelligence to mature. Rather than pointing fingers of blame, here, there or anywhere, I choose to ask: What am I missing that I need to know to enjoy my life more fully and freely, less guilty of wrong-doing, than ever before …"
When Mom interrupts with, "Annie—It sounds exhausting to be you!" I laugh and respond: In one way or another, we all exhaust ourselves. No more gerbil on a wheel in cage, spinning dizzily, getting no place fast, for me. When my mind is aswirl, I dive in and figure out which belief feels like an undertow sucking my energy dry. It's not 'thinking deep' that exhausts my mind, Mom. It's opening my vulnerabilities to judgmental mouths and deaf ears, repeatedly. My spirit can't abide feeling surrounded and suffocated by other people's defensive walls, any more. I'd believed myself opening all the right doors, when in truth, I was in a maze of mirrors, which made me every bit as blind to myself as I was blind to walls against which I'd knocked my head. When I finally recognized which walls refused to come down, I stopped knocking myself out. (Or so I'd thought. We don't know what we don't know about self defeating traits until we dive deep enough in our minds to see another suitcase, stuffed with baggage, staring us in the face …)
*Today, I expect to hear judgment calls from solid walls with deaf ears, because solild walls and judgment calls are a matched set. Perhaps exhaustion hits when we're deaf to the same insights calling out to us from deep insight, again and again, but our belief systems fail to recognize those insights as lessons, coaxing us to embrace life and gifts of love more freely by reconsidering the heavy weight of all the 'shoulds and should nots' that drag our spirits down.
*Each time insight spotlights a narrow perception, which proves in need of expansion, my new found sense of clarity replaces confusion. Upon experiencing another AHA! moment of clarity, anxiety lessens, and my comfort expands so naturally that inner conflict resolves, as though all on it's own. Every time the narrow focus of my mind expands, my spirit stops dragging around undeserved guilt, and as a result of lightening up on myself, my sense of joy rebounds for this reason: *Every insight, I work to absorb enables me to express my needs with a greater sense of clarity, today, than yesterday. With clarity, I free myself to be true to myself at my core. And what could be more energizing and life affirming than embracing a positive change in attitude that proves as natural as that? Bottom line—each time another new insight flies out of my mind, I'm really glad to be me!"
Though unexpected change triggers anxiety for good reason and though it's discomforting not to know where I may end up—more deeply connected to those I love, or farther apart, clarity coupled with positive focus builds self trust, which lessens subconscious fear in this way: Tis better to fly toward insight, clarity and joy than to wrap my brain inside a cocoon—where lost in a swirl of confusion based in mixed messages that bounced around inside my brain—I'd unknowingly rubbed salt into yesteryear's wounds more often than I'd thought. Judge yourself harshly? Judge others harshly. Identify your self defeating patterns—ease up on yourself—then, ease up on others, across the board. If attitude is everything then … OK OK, I know, I know. I'm giving you a headache by repeating myself, but I'm so frustrated with seeing valued relationships snapping like rubber bands—loved ones heaping blame on each other or themselves—anxiety zinging through the air—pain boomeranging back and forth—here and there, everywhere—well, Sam I am—it just plum tires me out—Ever wonder what Dr. Seuss would have written about separation and self defeat everywhere we go—up down all around town …Saturday, July 19, 2014
1084 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 27
2014
As you know, I've had reason to think a lot about anxiety and guilt, both of which proved to be driving forces in that one or the other or both influenced many of my decisions for this reason: My peace of mind had grown dependent upon my ability to satisfy the needs of others, suggesting that in order to bring a quick end to conflict, I'd unknowingly silenced every existential need of my own. Why? Because a subconscious fear of invisibility became deeply imprinted in my mind after Grandpa and Janet died, and as I couldn't win a smile for an interminable length of time, my self confidence shrunk, and I failed to thrive—however—as I'd been the sun, moon and stars to everyone in my family before the grim reaper knocked at our door, my survival instincts found a way to win back those smiles … and presto-chango a first class pleaser was born.
If you think I knew this train of thought was going to chug out of my mind upon awakening and reaching for my iPad on my night stand at 6AM, please think again, because intuitive thought, which comes from someplace deep within, began to pen today's post one word at a time without my conscious mind having a clue as to which word would appear next on my screen.
Recently, I had reason to discuss anxiety and guilt with Cary, who offered this string of insights to me:
A healthy degree of anxiety, based in guilt is healthy for this reason: Anxiety and guilt caution us to maintain a sense of self disciplined control over impassioned reactions, which might otherwise compel us to leap blindly off cliffs..
A healthy degree of guilt inspires us to be mindful of others while planning how best to satisfy existential needs, which prove highly personal in nature
A healthy degree of guilt inspires us to make good use of intelligence when we feel a strong need to release and express emotions, which, for one reason or another, had been repressed during childhood. In short, a certain degree of guilt reminds us to satisfy our needs without going hog wild.
Healthy degrees of anxiety and guilt serve a positive purpose by reminding us to figure out how to satisfy highly personal needs in a responsible, self disciplined manner.
Anxiety and guilt get out of control when attitudes, concerning right and wrong, remain so black or white that our grey matter forgets to respect personal needs which differ from the needs of others.
When anxiety and guilt run amuck at the same time, simple plans, based in emotional intelligence, go unseen.
As that proves true for everyone at one time or another, two heads are better than one when we make good use of our brains to encourage each other to balance emotion with consciencious thought, which allows us to reach for the stars while remaining well grounded. Each time two smart heads choose to brainstorm through conflict, we set our sights on creating simple plans of action based in achieving realistic conscientious results..
Once Cary helped me to understand healthy portions of anxiety and guilt vs those times when I send myself on undeserved guilt trips—this change took place inside my mind: I came to see my need to rein in runaway guilt, which otherwise blinds me to figuring out how to satisfy my needs in an intelligent, self disciplined manner.
As you know, I've had reason to think a lot about anxiety and guilt, both of which proved to be driving forces in that one or the other or both influenced many of my decisions for this reason: My peace of mind had grown dependent upon my ability to satisfy the needs of others, suggesting that in order to bring a quick end to conflict, I'd unknowingly silenced every existential need of my own. Why? Because a subconscious fear of invisibility became deeply imprinted in my mind after Grandpa and Janet died, and as I couldn't win a smile for an interminable length of time, my self confidence shrunk, and I failed to thrive—however—as I'd been the sun, moon and stars to everyone in my family before the grim reaper knocked at our door, my survival instincts found a way to win back those smiles … and presto-chango a first class pleaser was born.
If you think I knew this train of thought was going to chug out of my mind upon awakening and reaching for my iPad on my night stand at 6AM, please think again, because intuitive thought, which comes from someplace deep within, began to pen today's post one word at a time without my conscious mind having a clue as to which word would appear next on my screen.
Recently, I had reason to discuss anxiety and guilt with Cary, who offered this string of insights to me:
A healthy degree of anxiety, based in guilt is healthy for this reason: Anxiety and guilt caution us to maintain a sense of self disciplined control over impassioned reactions, which might otherwise compel us to leap blindly off cliffs..
A healthy degree of guilt inspires us to be mindful of others while planning how best to satisfy existential needs, which prove highly personal in nature
A healthy degree of guilt inspires us to make good use of intelligence when we feel a strong need to release and express emotions, which, for one reason or another, had been repressed during childhood. In short, a certain degree of guilt reminds us to satisfy our needs without going hog wild.
Healthy degrees of anxiety and guilt serve a positive purpose by reminding us to figure out how to satisfy highly personal needs in a responsible, self disciplined manner.
Anxiety and guilt get out of control when attitudes, concerning right and wrong, remain so black or white that our grey matter forgets to respect personal needs which differ from the needs of others.
Anxiety and guilt get out of control when a black or white attitude fails to contemplate the wide spectrum of choices, separating selfishness from selflessness, which are polar opposites.
Anxiety and guilt are out of control when fear blinds to this fact: With clarity and careful planning, we can direct our intelligence to achieve realistic, heartfelt goals, which make our spirits sing with joy—suggesting that though we can't have it all, we sure can brainstorm until we come close.
When anxiety and guilt run amuck at the same time, simple plans, based in emotional intelligence, go unseen.
As that proves true for everyone at one time or another, two heads are better than one when we make good use of our brains to encourage each other to balance emotion with consciencious thought, which allows us to reach for the stars while remaining well grounded. Each time two smart heads choose to brainstorm through conflict, we set our sights on creating simple plans of action based in achieving realistic conscientious results..
Once Cary helped me to understand healthy portions of anxiety and guilt vs those times when I send myself on undeserved guilt trips—this change took place inside my mind: I came to see my need to rein in runaway guilt, which otherwise blinds me to figuring out how to satisfy my needs in an intelligent, self disciplined manner.
Though indulging in preworry had once been one of my self-defeating traits, today, I've gained insight into relaxing runaway anxiety by consciously employing logic to tame emotional combustion, which is exactly what runaway anxiety proves to be.
In order to rein in anxious tension while raising my sons, I charged my intelligence with creating simple plans of action, which consider needs all around. And at those times when my old pattern of inner conflict sends me on a guilt trip that blinds me from seeing a simple solution to a complex problem, I take a time out until my connection to logic reminds me of this fact: History shows me to be a really good person, who has decided to accept guilt trips as signals to make good use of logic to re-evaluate how best to satisfy my existential needs without berating myself so harshly for not being selfless. Upon taking time out until anxiety (fight, freeze or flee) calms down, I remind myself to employ insight into 'balance in all things'. And once my mind engages in solution seeking, again, I can responsibly re-energize my spirit by directing my intelligence to brainstorm toward creating a simple plan that satisfies an existential need without guilting myself selfish.
As life grows shorter day by day, insight into deepening my sense of self trust saves me from guilting myself as selfish when I am not.
Amazing how good it feels when my strong sense of intuition is validated during sessions of therapy.
On the other hand, when my therapist does not agree with me, I choose to listen carefully to that which Cary feels the need to say in hopes of embracing an insight, which proves so astute as to inspire me to consider a self depreciating attitude, lumbering around within my subconscious, that stirs up inner conflict, which, once again, separates me from enjoying peace of mind.
In case you'd like to ask Annie:
If your thought processor has rebalanced, why are you still in therapy? I'd reply:
Having lived with guilt and anxiety, invading peace of mind for most of my life, I still find myself in need of validation and that will be true until my sense of self trust has soaked more deeply into my think tank than the mix of 'shoulds and should nots', which brainwashed me into a hypnotic state of submission every time those I loved frowned, thus pushing my button, which compelled me to deny my needs in favor of meeting theirs. As frowns had cast my sense of logic to the winds as recently as earlier this year, intuition suggests that I've not yet developed the degree of self trust necessary to remove the training wheels from my mind. In addition to that insight into this phase of my personal growth, there's that secret I keep from myself, which still has the power to send shivers up and down my spine. Once I feel empowered to own that secret, no ghost-like presence will scare me into feeling haunted, hunted, anxious, undeservedly guilty of wrong doing—and perhaps, that's when my training wheels will evaporate into thin air …
In order to rein in anxious tension while raising my sons, I charged my intelligence with creating simple plans of action, which consider needs all around. And at those times when my old pattern of inner conflict sends me on a guilt trip that blinds me from seeing a simple solution to a complex problem, I take a time out until my connection to logic reminds me of this fact: History shows me to be a really good person, who has decided to accept guilt trips as signals to make good use of logic to re-evaluate how best to satisfy my existential needs without berating myself so harshly for not being selfless. Upon taking time out until anxiety (fight, freeze or flee) calms down, I remind myself to employ insight into 'balance in all things'. And once my mind engages in solution seeking, again, I can responsibly re-energize my spirit by directing my intelligence to brainstorm toward creating a simple plan that satisfies an existential need without guilting myself selfish.
As life grows shorter day by day, insight into deepening my sense of self trust saves me from guilting myself as selfish when I am not.
Amazing how good it feels when my strong sense of intuition is validated during sessions of therapy.
On the other hand, when my therapist does not agree with me, I choose to listen carefully to that which Cary feels the need to say in hopes of embracing an insight, which proves so astute as to inspire me to consider a self depreciating attitude, lumbering around within my subconscious, that stirs up inner conflict, which, once again, separates me from enjoying peace of mind.
In case you'd like to ask Annie:
If your thought processor has rebalanced, why are you still in therapy? I'd reply:
Having lived with guilt and anxiety, invading peace of mind for most of my life, I still find myself in need of validation and that will be true until my sense of self trust has soaked more deeply into my think tank than the mix of 'shoulds and should nots', which brainwashed me into a hypnotic state of submission every time those I loved frowned, thus pushing my button, which compelled me to deny my needs in favor of meeting theirs. As frowns had cast my sense of logic to the winds as recently as earlier this year, intuition suggests that I've not yet developed the degree of self trust necessary to remove the training wheels from my mind. In addition to that insight into this phase of my personal growth, there's that secret I keep from myself, which still has the power to send shivers up and down my spine. Once I feel empowered to own that secret, no ghost-like presence will scare me into feeling haunted, hunted, anxious, undeservedly guilty of wrong doing—and perhaps, that's when my training wheels will evaporate into thin air …
Friday, July 18, 2014
1083 (19/20),NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 26
19/20
How sad it feels when a child, who grows to be an intelligent, out going adult with many friends—hears a 'little voice', from time to time, whispering of loneliness, deep inside … What if that 'little voice' is intuition suggesting: Your self confidence feels as slippery as an eel, which tends to slide out of a defensive hole in your head that's in need of repair. What if that 'little voice of loneliness' pipes up whenever this intelligent adult feels unsupported or misjudged? Might this person's sense of success be founded in perfectionistic tendencies? Might this person's fatal flaw bend toward self depreciation? *It's important to note that we, who have a hard time mustering the humility necessary to accept our own vulnerabilities, tend to drive ourselves too hard. In short, our spirits feel weighed down when all of our expectations reach for the sky.
As a family communication’s instructor who eagerly shares every shred of information, which empowers me to lead a well balanced life, with my classes, here's a quick synopsis of how I work to achieve personal and professional goals, which remain beyond my reach: First, I muzzle my ego, which drives me so hard that I fail to see simple plans, providing change for the better, staring me in the face. Upon muzzling my ego, my intelligence feels free to direct my defense system to sit in a time out chair. Once I've placed my ego and defense system in time out, no wounded part of my self esteem will upstage the creative center of my brain, suggesting that my intelligence is free to take center stage. And each time my intelligence maintains control over my whole brain, insight into a simple plan, based in considering needs all around, emerges from within my depths, and conflict resolution takes place in earnest. And now to refresh your memory—we'd just left my mother swinging next to me, exclaiming:
2002
“Annie, I have no idea what you're talking about!” Then, Mom smiles and says, “But I’m sure you’re going to explain it to me. Right?” So okay, here goes:
When someone opens up with a perception of me that seems harsh, judgemental and painful to hear, I muster the courage to listen with an open ear. Why? Because I've been training my mind not to bristle, hang my head in shame, or feel insulted as soon as someone's perception points out a habit, vulnerability or pattern to which I may have been blind.
I figure it this way: *Perhaps this person's view of me has had reason to grow more expansive than my own. Upon empowering myself with an attitude as open-minded as that, my intelligence listens so calmly as to ask questions rather than snapping back angrily before withdrawing like a turtle pouting silently in my shell ... Pouting is not to be confused with retreating to a peaceful place to think deep. In other words: *I work consciously to groom my ability to chew on food-for-thought with a growing sense of objectivity—on the spot.
*Each time I consciously sit my ego in a time out chair, my intelligence feels free to consider constructive criticism as an opportunity to recognize a personal vulnerability of which I'm unaware. Once that vulnerability is known, I can transform it into a strength. Sometimes I’m shocked to learn that a strength, which I’d considered my own, is still half-baked. Needless to say, that does not feel good. *Experiencing humiliation is akin to accepting 'growing pains'. Knowing that to be true, I consciously call forth humility to tame humiliation, and upon calming my natural reaction, my whole brain becomes available to absorb words of wisdom more deeply than ever before …"
"How in the world do you do all of that while you're angry, Annie?"
"The same way I'd instinctively slam on the brakes when a head-on collision seems probable. *I work to develop this habit of slamming on the brakes by sensing my emotional reaction before it bursts into flames, burning away all sense of orderly thought and logical solution seeking ability inside my brain.
*I consciously draw a line of control inside my head—as in—Pull back on the reins—hold the horses—here comes the burn, so close your mouth, Annie, until you've calmed down your brain waves, so you can think clearly, again. *Just as we tell children to take a 'time out' to calm down; I've trained my brain to take an emergency 'time out' on the spot. Though practice doesn't make perfect, I grow more consistent, year by year. At first I trained my brain to role model emotional composure for my kids. With time, practice and consistency, I honed that personal strength to channel my brain's natural sense of defensive reactiveness to react in an emotionally mature fashion.
*I consciously draw a line of control inside my head—as in—Pull back on the reins—hold the horses—here comes the burn, so close your mouth, Annie, until you've calmed down your brain waves, so you can think clearly, again. *Just as we tell children to take a 'time out' to calm down; I've trained my brain to take an emergency 'time out' on the spot. Though practice doesn't make perfect, I grow more consistent, year by year. At first I trained my brain to role model emotional composure for my kids. With time, practice and consistency, I honed that personal strength to channel my brain's natural sense of defensive reactiveness to react in an emotionally mature fashion.
If, after listening to a negative perception directed at me, I feel the need to reflect more deeply over that which has been said, the conversation can be tabled and revisited at a later date. If, after spending time in quiet reflection, details emerge from my memory, which disprove the other person's perception of me, clarity allows me to explain that which may have been missed, forgotten, revised or dismissed. Once clarity is mine, I can convey positively focused motives, words or actions, which had been misperceived. On the other hand, if my self evaluation proves in need of objective review, I apologize and upon taking home another lesson in humility, my think tank, holding hands with my heart, pledges to do better, next time. Either way, there's something to be gained each time my black or white attitude expands to consider another person's point of view. Thus, each time I tame anxiety or anger in order to listen calmly, there's nothing to lose, everything to gain.
*There’s so much we don’t know about ourselves or each other, Mom. Generally, our minds assume that the little we’ve heard or seen is all we need to know. *Our brains are preprogrammed to make snap judgments based in separating that which feels right from that which feels wrong. *It's easy to forget that in certain situations, that which feels wrong and that which is wrong may not be interchangeable. Once, when Brad (one of many cousins) flew in and stayed with us for several days, he shared this insight, which really makes sense:
‘We don’t know what we don’t know.’
By consciously calling forth self control, maintaining my dignity and asking questions, clarity is mine more often than not."
"Controlling emotion is not easy to do, Annie."
"I know that, Mom. That's why ... *I need a muzzle, reins, and a line of control while training myself to respond in the same self disciplined manner that we want our children to do. *By maintaining an inner sense of calmness while collecting my thoughts, I can cut the tension in the room in half. *Less emotional tension increases my hold on clarity and maturity. *When clarity and self controlled, emotional maturity connect, my self confidence remains intact—especially when I'm in the hot seat and my perception is found to be wrong. *When proved wrong, I consciously maintain a firm hold on humility; in this way I can be gentle with myself before my self esteem feels engulfed within the flames of humiliation where self flagellation burns self confidence to a crisp.
I also keep this insight in mind, which Cary, once, offered up during therapy:
*Generally speaking, conversations between two people are continuations of their last conversation, because emotion has no sense of time. That's why impassioned emotion, suppressed, still feels the need for release ...
PS ... For the sake of simplicity, please don't worry about new names popping up. These 'characters' will flesh out in stories down the road, so you'll get to know them, one by one ...
Thursday, July 17, 2014
1082 (18) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 25
18
What if we're less authentic than we think?
What if each time we walk out onto the stage of life
We're unaware as to when denial causes us to adopt a role vs
When we're actually true to oneself as a whole?
What if we're unaware of taking our cues from
A director, whom we've yet to meet, face to face?
What if that director goes by the name of
Subconscious Fear?
Once I was made aware of how often
My conscious mind unwittingly followed this stranger's lead
Common sense suggested my getting to know
This stealthy portion of my brain, which
Usurps control over many of my decisions at every stage of life
So, here's the deal:
You can let this stranger control you or
You, too, can work at removing your mask in hopes of
Acknowledging human vulnerabilities to which
Denial keeps you blind and
Upon openly accepting both sides of yourself
You'll feel whole as never before—
As always—the choice between
Remaining in denial vs embracing a natural sense of wholeness is up to you …
2014
If you think to know everything there is to know about yourself
You have alot to learn about yourself
If you think to know everything there is to know about youreself
You have alot to learn about the complex workings of your brain.
If you think to know everything there is to know about youreself
You may be estranged from your true self more often than you'd think
*If you think to know everything there is to know about yourself
You may have another think coming before you can be true to your self as a whole
If upon looking in, you begin to spy vulnerabilities that you've denied as your own
That's when you're half way home
As denial is a tricky little critter
We tend to wear blinders, which block us from seeing traits that we'd rather not own
As for me, clarity suggests that though intuition has coaxed me to look in for years
I'm always growing aware of where I need to experience personal growth, next
And no matter how often insight into mental complexity clarifies for me
Here's the plain and simple truth:
Each time I see my way clear to unloading another piece of baggage
A greater sense of inner peace is mine
So in hopes of growing ever more true to my existential self …
I continue to clean out the closet of my mind …
Why? Because no one else can do this homework for me—but me
Sigh …
What if we're less authentic than we think?
What if each time we walk out onto the stage of life
We're unaware as to when denial causes us to adopt a role vs
When we're actually true to oneself as a whole?
What if we're unaware of taking our cues from
A director, whom we've yet to meet, face to face?
What if that director goes by the name of
Subconscious Fear?
Once I was made aware of how often
My conscious mind unwittingly followed this stranger's lead
Common sense suggested my getting to know
This stealthy portion of my brain, which
Usurps control over many of my decisions at every stage of life
So, here's the deal:
You can let this stranger control you or
You, too, can work at removing your mask in hopes of
Acknowledging human vulnerabilities to which
Denial keeps you blind and
Upon openly accepting both sides of yourself
You'll feel whole as never before—
As always—the choice between
Remaining in denial vs embracing a natural sense of wholeness is up to you …
2014
If you think to know everything there is to know about yourself
You have alot to learn about yourself
If you think to know everything there is to know about youreself
You have alot to learn about the complex workings of your brain.
You may be estranged from your true self more often than you'd think
*If you think to know everything there is to know about yourself
You may have another think coming before you can be true to your self as a whole
If upon looking in, you begin to spy vulnerabilities that you've denied as your own
That's when you're half way home
We tend to wear blinders, which block us from seeing traits that we'd rather not own
As for me, clarity suggests that though intuition has coaxed me to look in for years
I'm always growing aware of where I need to experience personal growth, next
And no matter how often insight into mental complexity clarifies for me
Here's the plain and simple truth:
Each time I see my way clear to unloading another piece of baggage
A greater sense of inner peace is mine
So in hopes of growing ever more true to my existential self …
I continue to clean out the closet of my mind …
Why? Because no one else can do this homework for me—but me
Sigh …
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
1081 (17) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 24
17
2002
“I learn so much during therapy. Each session feels like a lesson in love or life. Then I go out into the world feeling as though my brain has plugged into a greater sense of clarity where confusion had been before. For example, one day, I was surprised to learn this fact, which, if you stop to think about it, really makes sense: *When one person in a relationship acquires communication skills, most especially listening skills, and the other does not, their relationship actually worsens. How ironic is that! In hopes of connecting more meaningfully with Will, I'd soaked in one tool after another without any clue that our communication gap was widening. (More about that later) Will and I had also been blind to similarities in our youth, which drew us together before those same similarities caused us to drift apart. *On the surface we'd seemed so different from each other, which is why similarities in terms of his 'fatal flaw' and mine went unseen until we'd both dug in really deep.
2002
“I learn so much during therapy. Each session feels like a lesson in love or life. Then I go out into the world feeling as though my brain has plugged into a greater sense of clarity where confusion had been before. For example, one day, I was surprised to learn this fact, which, if you stop to think about it, really makes sense: *When one person in a relationship acquires communication skills, most especially listening skills, and the other does not, their relationship actually worsens. How ironic is that! In hopes of connecting more meaningfully with Will, I'd soaked in one tool after another without any clue that our communication gap was widening. (More about that later) Will and I had also been blind to similarities in our youth, which drew us together before those same similarities caused us to drift apart. *On the surface we'd seemed so different from each other, which is why similarities in terms of his 'fatal flaw' and mine went unseen until we'd both dug in really deep.
It seems that when considering traits, acquired experientially, we don’t dive far enough into our youth. Therapy is so expensive that it's not unusual to give up on peeling layers of defensiveness away before the main root of a problem is identified. I hope my stories inspire couples to look in deeply rather than rushing into divorce court. So, what do you think about all of this, Mom?"
While our minds swing, back and forth through time, my mother, replies, “Who knows anything about anything for certain, Annie? And what do I know about psychology? Every question and answer we've discussed sounds plausible to me. In fact, I remember one doctor telling me that I could raise a spoiled child with clear skin, or I could raise you to be very responsible and watch you scratch—so your theory about emotional irritation and the intensity of your eczema matches his. Back in the 1940’s, talking to young children about death was unheard of, and since you’d begun to scratch before Janet died, I don't understand why you're asking so many questions about that time in our lives, now.”
“Well, Mom, if 'everything is connected’—and if eczema is physiological and emotional in nature—and if trauma catalyzes emotional shifts, which prove difficult to detect when a compliant child smiles and rarely says no, then it's easy to see why I still captain a cheer squad wherever I go. Baggage is easily identified when children ‘act out’ in negative ways. As the opposite was true of me, something prods me to dig in deep if I hope to keep learning about—me. Once, while Katie and I had retreated to the cabin, she was typing one of the stories I'd recorded. In the middle of listening to the tape, she stopped to ask if I scratched because I'd itched to get out of my skin. I remember responding: 'Wow—that’s a perfect description of what I’d felt!' Needless to say, Katie's insight found its way into that story. As I look back at 'scratching and smiling' it's easy to see how long I've lived in denial of emotional irritation lumbering around deep inside—and living in denial is pretty common, Mom. In fact, denial is one of human nature's most popular subconscious defense mechanisms in that the conscious mind feels relieved of distress when inner conflict becomes unbearable. As denial transfers stress to the subconscious, the conscious portion of the mind is numbed to the problem, which, in truth, remains unresolved. Subconscious 'baggage' is stress trapped raw deep inside our minds. If denial persists, we carry that stress wherever we go with no clue as to how often subterranean anxiety exacerbates problems, which arise, down the road. I was so distressed when Will and I separated that my spirit depressed.”
“Well, Annie, if you’ve learned to speak up and problem solve rather than smiling, scratching and denying the depth of your stress then why is looking in so important to you, now?”
2014 Though my answer to Mom's question proved insightful, my conscious mind did not yet have a clue as to which part of my voice remained choked behind subconscious anxiety, when I replied:
2014 Though my answer to Mom's question proved insightful, my conscious mind did not yet have a clue as to which part of my voice remained choked behind subconscious anxiety, when I replied:
"The more I learn about whatever causes me to bend over backward to help people in need, the less blind I'll be to self defeating patterns that drive the people-pleaser-in-me to ignore my needs. By looking in, I hope to understand subtleties in my patterns that block me from achieving certain heartfelt goals, which prove realistic and therefore attainable.”
“Annie, most people would never make that connection.”
“Maybe that's because adults tend to think we've learned all there is to know—about ourselves. That expression—self-defeating pattern—is another way to say: fatal flaw. As denial blinds us to self defeating patterns, I'll bet Shakespeare would concur with this statement: We can’t identify 'fatal flaws’ to which we're blind without seeking help. Unfortunately, people commonly deny needing help at times when humility, seeking astute guidance, is what we need to garner, most of all. It's denial that makes interventions necessary. Since I hope to live a long, healthy, well balanced life, I choose to examine experiences, which may have caused my fatal flaws to develop. The more I learn about the complex workings of my brain, the more baggage, in terms of self defeating patterns, I unpack and unload. In addition to self discovery, I've come to understand why writing is considered cathartic. During the writing process, I feel so safe that my defenses come down, allowing both sides of my brain work as one. Once my brain works as a whole, 'forgotten' memories or surprising insights filter from my subconscious into my conscious mind. At times, I'll watch insight into a ‘fatal flaw’ appear on my computer screen one word at a time, and I'll sit there, staring in amazement at a self defeating pattern to which my conscious mind had been blind. Or I'll have stirred an emotion that's still raw at my core. Identifying subconscious patterns feels like those times when we drive past an empty lot on the corner of a busy intersection, day after day, until, one day, we're aware of a building that's almost complete, and we hear ourselves say: 'Wow! Where did that come from? That must have gone up, overnight!' Just as we move through life unaware of changes that take place before our eyes, we're often unaware of changes in attitudes taking place deep within our minds.”
“Most people don’t take time to think about life as deeply as you do, Annie.”
“I've had lots of serious surgeries, Mom. Most people don't spend so much time recuperating in bed, pouring through the kinds of books I feel drawn to read. Perhaps as compensation for being unable to exercize my body, I grew deeply reflective while exercising my brain. For many years, people in my classes have implored me to write a book. Now that the boys are grown, I have the time and energy to tackle that challenge. Having shared stories, ladened with insights, while speaking before thousands of people, I hope to write in such a way as to encourage countless minds to grow attentive to the ‘little voice’ inside which guides us to balance emotion with logic thus inspiring our processors to listen to personal needs more respectfully and compassionately than ever before. People's attitudes tend to be so black and white that they forget to tap into the creative center of our brains, which opens our minds to make better use of our grey matter."
"What do you expect people to find by diving in deep?"
I hope people will discover secrets they keep from themselves. Memories too painful to remember. Emotions, which had felt so painful as to have been self protectively numbed and repressed. Mixed messages, negative attitudes and self depreciating assumptions that mess with our minds's connection to clarity. If I communicate much of what I find inside then, hopefully, countless people will feel so safe in my presence as to connect openly with fears of abandonment or failure, both of which prove classic, timeless and universal. Think about it, Mom, What if fatal flaws are born of subconscious fear in the aftermath of a crushing childhood experience, which had felt so confounding and belittling that knots of anxiety hardened into emotional stones. What if passing subconscious emotional stones causes as much constricting pain inside our hearts and minds as passing kidney stones? What if this primal fear of rejection drowns out the ‘little voice’, longing for intimate connection? What if deep down inside each cheerleader’s heart there lurks the fear that Miss Popularity or Captain Jock is really all alone? How sad is it when a child, who feels lonely and confused, grows into a charismatic adult who has no clue why he or she feels lonely for 'something' or 'someone', deep inside? As a family communication instructor I’ve always felt compelled to share every shred of information that helps me to communicate more openly with myself. I feel the need to coax others to consider how often attitudes, adopted during childhood, determine success or failure while we're working to achieve personal and professional goals, today. I want to show people how to make better use of their intelligence by sitting their defense systems in time out chairs and muzzling their egos in order to embrace humility necessary to expand the narrow boundaries of their limited perceptions. And none of that can happen until we look in and muster the courage to venture beyond our comfort zones.”
"What do you expect people to find by diving in deep?"
I hope people will discover secrets they keep from themselves. Memories too painful to remember. Emotions, which had felt so painful as to have been self protectively numbed and repressed. Mixed messages, negative attitudes and self depreciating assumptions that mess with our minds's connection to clarity. If I communicate much of what I find inside then, hopefully, countless people will feel so safe in my presence as to connect openly with fears of abandonment or failure, both of which prove classic, timeless and universal. Think about it, Mom, What if fatal flaws are born of subconscious fear in the aftermath of a crushing childhood experience, which had felt so confounding and belittling that knots of anxiety hardened into emotional stones. What if passing subconscious emotional stones causes as much constricting pain inside our hearts and minds as passing kidney stones? What if this primal fear of rejection drowns out the ‘little voice’, longing for intimate connection? What if deep down inside each cheerleader’s heart there lurks the fear that Miss Popularity or Captain Jock is really all alone? How sad is it when a child, who feels lonely and confused, grows into a charismatic adult who has no clue why he or she feels lonely for 'something' or 'someone', deep inside? As a family communication instructor I’ve always felt compelled to share every shred of information that helps me to communicate more openly with myself. I feel the need to coax others to consider how often attitudes, adopted during childhood, determine success or failure while we're working to achieve personal and professional goals, today. I want to show people how to make better use of their intelligence by sitting their defense systems in time out chairs and muzzling their egos in order to embrace humility necessary to expand the narrow boundaries of their limited perceptions. And none of that can happen until we look in and muster the courage to venture beyond our comfort zones.”
“What? Annie—I have no idea what you're talking about!” When I laugh, Mom smiles and continues with, “But I’m sure you’re going to explain it to me. Right?”
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
1080 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 23
2014
As a child, anxiety silenced my voice whenever subconscious worry over being selfish offered clearance to others to run the show—unless a boy tried to touch me. Then, rather than asserting my needs (or fears) by opening my mouth, tension placed a choke hold on my mind and throat, leaving me only one alternative: physically pushing guys to whom I'd felt attracted away. As my subconscious still keeps secrets from me, my conscious mind struggles with confusion as to why I felt so self protective as to have pushed Joseph away so forcefully as to cause him to believe himself wholly rejected when in truth, I'd loved this twelve year old boy, who shows up in my dreams, from time to time. Though the answer to that mystery is seeping from my subconscious into my conscious mind, one detail at a time, the mental fuzziness, clouding my sense of clarity, puzzles my intelligence to this very day.
As a maturing adult, that choke hold on my memory continued to block the self-assertive portion of my voice from expressing itself aloud, suggesting my self depreciating pattern of offering others clearance to do whatever worked for them— unless—the deciding factor included my kids welfare. Upon reflecting back over my life, insight into clarity suggests that my voice felt utterly free to protect my loved ones' needs over considering my own.
This suggests that for most of my life my spirit felt free to make sound use of my voice to lead others toward change for the better, fearlessly. However, each time intuition prodded me to choose the path less taken for myself, I'd soldier forward with mask in place while shaking in my boots …
That insight doth not make me cowardly
After all, it takes a spirited sense of courage to
Transition from a place of anxious retreat toward
Taking action in hopes of
Experiencing an end that results in expressions of joy
Actually, deeper truth suggests that
Each time intuition coaxes me to
Take a leap of faith over subconscious fear of failure
My ability to muster courage is born of
Self confidence at my core
On the other hand, wisdom suggests exposing
Subconscious fear left over from childhood, thus
Cleansing my mind of undeserved guilt that's
Continued to place a choke hold on
My existential need to be true to myself, through and through
And here's why today's train of thought rings true:
Being selfless is not all it's cracked up to be
In fact that hard boiled egg
Scrambled my brain
For most of my life
When I feel anxious, over long, today
I calm my mind by retreating peaceable from
Any hint of conflict in hopes of
Freeing the little bird in my creative center to
Sing her joyful song, concerning balance in all things
Once my sense of balance calms anxiety
A simple plan, with potential to ease complexity
Clarifies within the creative center of my mind
And as simplicity offers change for the better
I muster the courage to sing my song aloud
If at this point you would like to say:
Annie, thank goodness today's train of thought has
Pulled into the station much more quickly than recent posts…
Please know full well that
I wholeheartedly agree!
As a child, anxiety silenced my voice whenever subconscious worry over being selfish offered clearance to others to run the show—unless a boy tried to touch me. Then, rather than asserting my needs (or fears) by opening my mouth, tension placed a choke hold on my mind and throat, leaving me only one alternative: physically pushing guys to whom I'd felt attracted away. As my subconscious still keeps secrets from me, my conscious mind struggles with confusion as to why I felt so self protective as to have pushed Joseph away so forcefully as to cause him to believe himself wholly rejected when in truth, I'd loved this twelve year old boy, who shows up in my dreams, from time to time. Though the answer to that mystery is seeping from my subconscious into my conscious mind, one detail at a time, the mental fuzziness, clouding my sense of clarity, puzzles my intelligence to this very day.
As a maturing adult, that choke hold on my memory continued to block the self-assertive portion of my voice from expressing itself aloud, suggesting my self depreciating pattern of offering others clearance to do whatever worked for them— unless—the deciding factor included my kids welfare. Upon reflecting back over my life, insight into clarity suggests that my voice felt utterly free to protect my loved ones' needs over considering my own.
This suggests that for most of my life my spirit felt free to make sound use of my voice to lead others toward change for the better, fearlessly. However, each time intuition prodded me to choose the path less taken for myself, I'd soldier forward with mask in place while shaking in my boots …
That insight doth not make me cowardly
After all, it takes a spirited sense of courage to
Transition from a place of anxious retreat toward
Taking action in hopes of
Experiencing an end that results in expressions of joy
Actually, deeper truth suggests that
Each time intuition coaxes me to
Take a leap of faith over subconscious fear of failure
My ability to muster courage is born of
Self confidence at my core
On the other hand, wisdom suggests exposing
Subconscious fear left over from childhood, thus
Cleansing my mind of undeserved guilt that's
Continued to place a choke hold on
My existential need to be true to myself, through and through
And here's why today's train of thought rings true:
Being selfless is not all it's cracked up to be
In fact that hard boiled egg
Scrambled my brain
For most of my life
When I feel anxious, over long, today
I calm my mind by retreating peaceable from
Any hint of conflict in hopes of
Freeing the little bird in my creative center to
Sing her joyful song, concerning balance in all things
Once my sense of balance calms anxiety
A simple plan, with potential to ease complexity
Clarifies within the creative center of my mind
And as simplicity offers change for the better
I muster the courage to sing my song aloud
Annie, thank goodness today's train of thought has
Pulled into the station much more quickly than recent posts…
Please know full well that
I wholeheartedly agree!
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