838. NGUOUY ... Part 2

First week in July, 2013:
At the end of the day I hear the garage door, which needs oiling, going up, indicating Will's return from his office.  The grinding of the door rising signals my sense of readiness to switch tracks and welcome my husband home with a smile as is my habit.

Upon parking his BMW along side my SRX (the purchase of which provides another story, concerning sound reason for expanding mindsets), Will pushes the button that lowers the garage door, and as the grinding starts up, again,  he enters the laundry room, thus making his way into our one story, patio home—the exterior of which is painted various hues of beige to meld into the mountain, rising majestically to meet the sky directly beyond our royal blue tiled hot tub.  Our home, built with thoughts of retirement lurking in the shadows of our mind, has a minuscule back yard, due to our decision to enlongate the model of our house.  Our lot, chosen because of its peaceful proximity to the mountain in a friendly neighborhood where downtown events are only minutes away, is protected by a wrought iron fence, colored similarly to our home, thus blending into the landscape that serves as the natural habitat of desert dwellers, such as prairie dogs, road runners, countless cotton tails and pairs of quails that charm a smile to play upon my lips each time I slow my car and watch an entire family toddle hurriedly across the street in single file, papa in the lead, followed by mama, babies pulling up the rear.

Needless to say, wrought iron rails do not prohibit small creatures from visiting us.  These rails have been installed to separate man from beast, specifically the hungry pack of coyotes that roams our streets, day and night, thirsting for nourishment and water.  I say hungry because in addition to being skinny, the entire pack looks angry.  I say thirsty because of drought.  As to bob cats, they're known to be present, as well, though I'm glad to say that this city girl from the Midwest has yet to have spied even one during thirty-nine years of having them as neighbors.  Though all three of our homes, two of which we built from the ground up, have been in the foothills of this mountain range, it was not until we moved into our present neighborhood that I shivered like prey upon my first sighting of these predators stalking our streets, seeking snacks, which at first had been comprised of my neighbors' beloved, small pets, which had playfully roamed the neighborhood, unleashed until word of these hungry hunters spread from home to home, causing the leash law to be adhered to more seriously than ever before …

One day, while slipping a letter into the slot of the out box, where about twenty mail boxes are clustered together, several skinny coyotes trotted up right next to me from out of nowhere, I swear.  And you can believe me when I say that my feet took wing.  With what felt like one flying leap, I took refuge in the driver seat of my SUV, and heart pounding like mad, I slammed the door and locked those wild things out in the cold!

The day before yesterday, our neighborhood book group (which I started about a dozen years back in hopes of building friendships with those living close by, who, like me, enjoy character development along with analyzing insight concerning many aspects of life) convened.  As our group listened, rapt, a friend shared a true tale that took place earlier this week:  Upon hearing strange noises scratching at her front door, my neighbor opened it to find a javelina, standing guard over a half eaten, apple pie … its close set, beady eyes staring her down in a mean spirited, pig-headed way.  After slamming the door and catching her breath, my friend's mind couldn't believe her own eyes.  What was a wild pig, devouring a pie, doing at her front door???  A bit later, her phone rang, and thank goodness for that, because missing details were about to transform mental strain, born of confusion, into sanity, again.   Another neighbor had hurriedly dropped off the pie and forgotten to call ... which is why this desert pig, thought to be an offshoot of the hippopotamus family, got first dibs on such a succulent, home made dessert.  As you can see, in addition to my book group, a wide variety of God's creatures who make up the food chain, live a short stroll down the block from my home.

At any rate, Will walks into the house and finds me in my natural habitat, which has changed over the years from preparing dinner in the kitchen to sitting before my computer in our home office, where, fingers flying across cordless keyboard, I enjoy two activities:  One being keeping close touch with life long friends and the other, immersing both sides of my mind in writing my blog.

If I'm e-mailing or editing, Will's presence captures all of my attention.  If my mind is wholly absorbed in emergent emotion flowing freely from somewhere in the distant past then it takes a whale of concentration on my part to refocus my attention because of this fact:  While writing each story, every experience is relived with such depth that strings of insight pour out of my mind, illuminating subconscious fears of which I was unaware.  And while engaged in that portion of the story-telling process, I inveriably experience opposing emotional reactions, causing my mind to struggle with this inner conflict:  One side of my think tank feels resistant to Will's presence until the loving side wins that tug of war, pulling my whole sense of consciousness into the present tense.  Once I was able to clarify that conflict for Will, his patience increased.

You see, I chose to explain my reaction in a way that Will identified with:
Will, before I began to write seriously (passionately) I did not understand how you'd disappear into 'the zone' while playing or watching sports.  I couldn't fathom your difficulty transitioning from that wave length to recognizing that I was standing next to you, asking a question.  Now that my whole mind disappears into 'the zone', I get it.

Once I'd framed my conflict within an arena that made sense to Will, his frustration while waiting for me to finish a thought transformed into standing in a seemingly relaxed and patient pose behind me while I wrapped up a sentence, pushed save, swiveled my chair around and lifted my face to welcome him home with a smiling kiss—as has become our custom.  Though our relationship had not always been spontaneously affectionate, defensive reactions, on both sides, had good reason to change for the better quite a few years ago …

So at the end of most work days, Will's patience floats on white clouds of consciously respectful understanding at those times when the writer in me has to work at controling inner conflict just long enough to finish a thought, and when I lift my face to welcome my husband home after work, his smile matches mine.  Not so much, today.  In fact, it's plain to see that Will's smile doesn't reach his eyes.  Uh-oh, I say, my mind snapping to attention upon recognizing that Will's spirit is flat—What's wrong?

836 NGUOUY ... Part 1

As those with high self esteem rarely give up before reaching heartfelt goals, historically, their success rate is sky high.  When success is sky high, it's no wonder that that person's self confident head may get stuck in the clouds :)

When my cock-eyed optimistic attitude was stuck in the clouds,  I'd written this mantra across the top of the blackboard at the start of every family communications seminar and class:
NGUOAHG:  Never Give Up On Achieving Heartfelt Goals
I wrote that because my thoughts had been limited by this frame of mind:
If you stop working toward achieving heartfelt goals, you'll not achieve them for sure.

As experience expanded my mindset, this addendum followed that mantra:
NGUOAHG ... unless your sanity is as stake ...
Why?

Well ... what if a heartfelt goal proves unachievable without the cooperative efforts of another, whose ironclad needs oppose your own?  For example, what if your goal embraces mutual respect but your spoken needs continue to go unmet, suggesting that your voice goes unheard for years without end ... What then?

What then?  Then your heartfelt goal may be so unrealistic as to need deeper consideration.
You see, when sanity is at stake, turning points must be sighted before breaking points lead us straight to the looney bin ...

For example, what if, upon deeper consideration, reflection suggests that a heartfelt goal had been based in subconscious fear?  Once that insight popped out of my mind, Never Give Up On Achieving Heartfelt Goals changed to ...
NGUOUY:
Never Give Up On Understanding Yourself
Why?  For this reason:  When a hard worker's heartfelt goal remains just out of reach, it's wise to consider whether this confounding result may be caused by conflicting emotional reactions, suggesting that vital information is hiding from conscious awareness behind a mental block.  As insight into self discovery coaxes 'forgotten' memories to emerge, fear that had terrorized a child's traumatized mind is reprocessed by the mature adult think tank, and resultant of reprocessing that which had terrified a deeply confused child, a new sense of clarity improves every aspect of life .. . and having said that, something tells me that a string of insights, which has been percolating inside my mind, concerning the story of the last four months of my life, may be ready to bubble forth … at least that's my hope because I don't want to ever repeat the depth of fearful confusion that tormented my mind for about four weeks until I came to see … uh, wait—I don't want to get ahead of myself, so please buckle up and wish me luck as this time machine swings us back to July …

835. WHY DO THE PERCEPTIONS OF THE OPTIMIST AND PESSIMIST VISUALIZE DIFFERENT ENDS…

If asked how optimistic realists avoid head-on collisions with loved ones, whose defensive walls prove impenetrable, I'd reply:
The road toward self discovery leads toward the path to love's recovery :)

If asked why that's true, I'd reply:
The road toward self discovery offers sound reason to set one's injured ego aside.  Each time the injured portion of the ego is set aside, a defensive mindset is placed in time out, and, over time, the think tank expands to develop an objective sense of compassionate forgiveness for those who remain blind to how often their negatively focused mindsets push others away, thus creating unhappiness, all around.  As comprehension into self awareness and family roles deepen,  confusion, which produces frustration, lessens.  With understanding, anger transforms into sadness for all that is lost when misunderstandings grow so complex that loved ones wander through darkly clouded, emotional mazes till the end of their days.

In order that sadness not deepen into depression, each person must gain insight into changing attitudes of resignation into peaceable acceptance, concerning the reality of both sides of human nature, which vie for space within every think tank throughout the world.   I mean, how long ago did Socrates say Know Thyself?  I mean how can you be true to yourself if your defense system keeps secrets from your conscious mind?  Seriously, can you be yourself if you don't know yourself?

Though the optimist welcomes discussion concerning self discovery, thus deepening insight into self awareness, the pessimist fears uncovering personal traits in need of self-improvement.  In this way does insecurity create havoc in my family and yours, more often than we'd think.  And in keeping with the fact that you can't fool all the people all the time, many are surprised to learn how often insecurity hides behind an academy award-winning 'self confident' persona that fools most everyone … most especially oneself.

As years pass, a person, who has no clue of harboring deep seated fears, lumbering around in secret pockets of his subconscious, believes that the false front he wears to protect his vulnerabilities is who he is, through and through.  In truth this person's denial of self awareness makes him more vulnerable to feeling shocked when certain half baked strengths implode than a person who has come to accept that everyone wears a false front to some extent to mask festering injuries from oneself.

Therefore, the person who musters the courage to walk the path of self discovery is fortunate for this reason:  If ever this person's subconscious fears (and we all have them) overwhelm all sense of logic, he is more apt to dive into the deep end of his mind in hopes of uncovering insight into childhood events that injured telf esteem.  And if, when this person dives deeper than ever before, an unknown source of fear emerges then this person's conscious mind is newly empowered to rein in that fear whenever an event takes place that arouses this particular ghost-like presence to traumatize all sense of safety, again.

In a story down the road, I'll show you what caused my persona to develop its attitude of cock-eyed optimism when I was a child.  Then in another story, you'll witness the ways in which that polarized (narrow) mindset caused me to experience confusion and painful disappointment, repeatedly, until the path of self discovery beckoned, welcoming me to muster the courage and patience necessary to work at expanding my narrow mindset in order to grow into the optimistic realist that I am in the process of becoming, today :)

Quoting Will:  Change is not necessarily synonymous with progress, suggesting that negative attitudes and cock-eyed views often produce change for the worse …

*When answering the question … Why do the perceptions of the optimist and pessimist see the same situation but visualize different ends … here is my reply:  While the optimistic realist works to develop a sensitivity to infinitesimal steps toward conflict resolution, the negatively focused, narrow bent of the pessimist's mindset remains blind to change for the better until after an illusive goal has been fully achieved.  Having engaged in endless conversations with hard core pessimists who can't budge an inch, I believe it makes sense to disengage from discussing certain subjects, again.  Therefore, each time that subject is brought up, I say:  We need a different topic.  If the pessimist ignores my need to change the subject, I smile, excuse myself for a few minutes and take an emotionally mature time out.  When I was a cock-eyed optimist, that sanity-saving strategy did not occur to me, because I was blind to the fact that my compassionate sense of logic did not empower me to expand every mindset toward embracing that which appeared to be positive steps toward change for the better, all around.

By way of telling you the story of that which I experienced over these last four months,  you'll see how insight into self awareness identifies subconscious fears, which left undetected undermined my hard earned strengths.  If you ask me to clarify the primary reason as to why I've not felt ready to relate this story as of yet, I'll reply:  My think tank is still working to gain insight into the main source of that which caused the emergence of unexpected emotion, which changed my thinking patterns in ways that I do not yet fully understand.  On the other hand, intuition suggests that this recent series of posts, concerning diving into depths of realism, points toward rearranging a mindset that's processing through change for the better in hopes that, one day soon, insight into unidentified fear will filter through the permeable wall separating my subconscious from the conscious portion of my mind.  And here is why it's worth my time and energy to dig until that fear emerges in plain sight:

Once fears, hidden in dark pockets of a traumatized child's subconscious, are fully identified in the clear light of today, that which had paralyzed my sense of logic in recent weeks will lose its powerful hold on the conscious mind of your adult friend, Annie, whose sense of emotional security continues to mature as one insight leads to the next, day by day.  And hopefully, while writing this story, my sense of self awareness will continue to deepen so that any half baked strength that emerges may be placed in the oven, again :)

And now, your guess is as good as mine as to why two additional riddles just popped out of my mind:

Why do those with high self esteem tend to become cock-eyed optimists more often than not?

What does NGUOUY stand for? :)

834. HOW ARE THE COCK-EYED OPTIMIST AND PESSIMIST SIMILARLY CONFUSED?

The cock-eyed optimist and pessimist are similarly confused in this way:
Both have no clue of harboring unrealistic expectations.
If asked what causes their unrealistic expectations to exist at opposite poles, I'd say:
One has his head in the clouds, the other in a black hole …
And as tunnel vision results in narrow views on both sides, you can see why they can't meet eye to eye—but they cannot unless both work toward expanding peripheral vision.

And as long as both remain blind to personal fears that polarize each one's mindset, neither can clarify the foggy state of two minds that deny conscious access to the truth of the way things actually are.  As long as neither quests toward insight into denial, neither will grow aware of how consistently their conversations crash into their own defensive walls.

As I work to straighten wrinkles out of my cock-eyed views, my expectations grow more realistic in terms of identifying an adversarial mindset that may eventually power struggle with less of a bent toward ironclad, head-on collisions.  Once I differentiate between talking to a solid stone wall made of power-struggling stubborness vs. talking to a mindset that inches toward regaining our lost sense of mutually respecting reconciliation, the 'myth of movement' can't confuse my think tank as it had in the past.

Once I can differentiate between two mind sets that seem the same but upon deeper reflection are not, I know where to direct my energy, productively.  And as optimistic realists are known to develop into effective leaders who employ a host of personal strengths while working patiently and thus tirelessly toward achieving illusive, heartfelt, long range goals … that's what I aim to be :)

If asked how optimistic realists avoid head-on collisions with loved ones, whose defensive walls remain impenetrable, I'd reply ...

833. THE COCK-EYED OPTIMIST AND THE MYTH OF MOVEMENT TOWARD IMPROVEMENT …

I recently read this quote in Reader's Digest's advice@rd.com:

"Each person plays a certain role in a family.  These are typically assigned organically (subconsciously) rather than intentionally, and they may not even match up well with the person's strengths.  The 'funny one' may not be the funniest, or 'the smart one' may not be the smartest.  Like it or not … these family assignments are very sticky and usually don't budge without some sort of hysterical drama that rips the family apart …"

As this quote suggests,  it's far from easy, in fact quite a challenge, to change your accepted role in the family.  Therefore, you can see why positive focus, resilience, courage, humility, patience and diplomatic discretion are strengths which must be fully baked if you are to stand up for yourself without shooting the adversarial attitude of a loved one down.  Let your defense system shoot down another and watch mass confusion split your extended family into two sides, polarizing everyone's defensive reactions in record time.  Unfortunately, you don't have to shoot for a person with low self esteem to feel shot.  And as feeling shot feels the same as being shot, the pessimist automatically shoots back and the drama begins.

When do cock-eyed optimists lose sight of positive focus?  When we believe we're making headway, influencing change for the better, all around, no matter how often experience provides evidence that the other person's attitude is as negatively focused as ever, meaning that despite every effort made, conflict has not budged so much as a smidgen toward resolution.  This is where  'the myth of movement' comes in.

The myth of movement suggests the optimist is in denial of making no headway toward conflict resolution, at all.  Want to save your sanity when going toe to toe with an adversarial attitude that acts conciliatory but has not budged an inch?  Focus your powers of concentration upon determining whether you've  been conversing with an attitude that has promise of making headway, one baby step at a time vs. butting your head against an attitude that's blind to this fact:  Both people must hold their defensive reactions accountable for adding to the state of confusion, that delays change for the better until clarity into objectivity deepens on both sides.  You see, a person who remains blind to his own mindset of pessimistic impatience will power struggle till the bitter end.

If asked why the greatest difference between an optimistic realist and pessimist is based in  underlying (subconscious) attitude, I'd reply:
When faced with what seems like failure, the attitude of the optimistic realist develops the resilience to control defensiveness no matter how consistently 'he' feels shot down by a pessimistic retort.

If asked what separates the cock-eyed optimist, the realistic optimist and the pessimist into three camps, I'd reply:  Though the first is fooled by the myth of movement, the realist gains insight into training his eye to achieve long range goals by growing aware of infinitesimal changes for the better to which the pessimistic mindset remains blind.  As the realist is the only one of the three who is not blinded by defensive denial, he consciously chooses to lighten the weight on his shoulders when insight into conflict resolution suggests that the other two, who act conciliatory, have no clue that they're still wandering through a maze in the dark.

Since my posts highlight the importance of deepening awareness, I wonder if you are aware of a change in the number of insights I choose to publish, each day.  You see, while writing each post (concerning the importance of identifying defensive attitudes vs. objective attitudes, leaning toward optimistic patterns of thought), my thoughts do not go on and on and on.  And here's how I make sure that's true:  After writing several insights, I bring each post to a close, save it in drafts and immediately begin to write the next train of thought, suggesting that several posts may be penned and saved on the same day.  In this way, I don't tax your time or your mind.  In addition to that, your think tank is more apt to comprehend and absorb each insight more readily than in the past when posts went on and on, causing too many insights to clump up against each other.  And as I'm several posts ahead of you, it seems safe to say that our current topic will be closing in on home plate before too long, suggesting that I'm readying myself to relate the story of these last four, life changing months of my life :)

As to my referencing the cock-eyed optimist and the myth of movement in the title of today's post ... well, guess we might say that once I began to write the post published, today, my mind paid little mind to what I had in mind to say.  And since my mind reacted as though it had a mind of its own, I was every bit as unaware of my train of thought switching tracks as a person who goes from logic solution seeking to a defensive state of mind that needs to even the score by shooting the other side down.  In fact, I'd no clue of having switched tracks until I glanced up at the title to see the cock-eyed optimist and myth of movement staring back at me … :)

832. THE OPTIMISTIC REALIST IN ME IS COMMITTED TO GOAL #1 AND GOAL #2 ...

If goal number one concentrates on developing self respect then goal number two suggests working to deepen a growing sense of self control in terms of mutual respect so that when someone feeds a defensive need to shoot me down, I don't shoot back.  Instead, I make good use of my think tank by clarifying where another person's darkened  misperception of me is flawed.

Though I may feel attacked, my clear-headed response needs to back up what I know of myself with straightforward facts in hopes of offering an adversarial mindset sound reason to drop its defensive shield and freely choose to switch tracks.  If my commitment to react with calm and patient leadership is necessary while working to refocus a conversation toward gaining in objectivity then common sense suggests that I maintain a sense of logic so my train of thought does not switch tracks toward defensiveness by shooting back.  If I lose sight of my objective, which points toward win-win, change-for-the-better falls back into lose-lose.

When my therapist said that I was addicted to hope, I countered her view of me with this line of reasoning:  Addictions are not good for you or me.  Rather than feeling addicted to hope, an optimistic realist draws forth resilient strengths when aiming toward resuscitating a relationship gone south, which had once felt pleasurably peaceful to both.  As long as I choose to participate in an adversarial relationship my sense of hopeful resilience must remain intact until the other person musters the courage and humility necessary to recognize how often unrealistic expectations and assumptive misunderstandings create defensive attitudes on both sides.  As defensive attitudes cause many loving relationships to descend into hell, both people need to identify and take responsibility for their own assumptive mistakes in judgement.  In order for minds to open to change for the better, both injured egos need to be placed in time out.  When injured egos are not allowed to take center stage, a relationship is more apt to take a realistic turn for the better.  This is where The Line Of Control serves me well.  (The line of control is a tool I created as a calming technique, which saved my sanity each time contentious interactions heated up between my sons and self discipline was necessary, all around.  This problem-solving tool was described in a story' concerning self control and trust, found in posts 696-700 beginning on May 14th, 2013)

So ... If the law of nature suggests that opposites attract and if  I know myself to be an optimist at heart and if, as a cock-eyed optimist, I am naturally attracted to 'cynisists', then thank goodness I've gained insight into the importance of mustering the patience necessary to discuss different points of view objectively rather than heatedly at those times when an adversarial attitude proves more pessimistic than mine.  You see, when I offer love, my love runs too deep to give up on those whose defensive shields blind them to their own self defeating traits ...

If you ask me to explain the greatest difference between an optimistic and pessimistic view, I'd reply...

831. KNOW THYSELF: INSIGHT INTO MY PERSONA AND ME ...

Before I cane to understand that the path toward self discovery enhances success,  my defense system fooled my thought processor into believing that the sunny side of my persona, within which my inner life had been cloaked, was the greater part of my whole.  Twenty years ago, my sense of self awareness was so undeveloped that I had no clue as to which of my mindsets had become negatively focused due to the fact that portions of my self esteem had sustained subconscious wounds.  At that earlier time when emotional injuries had festered deep within my think tank, pessimistic attitudes darkened my views of certain aspects of myself.  (See posts relating the story, Bully For Me.)

With no clue into my deep-seated fear of being abandoned I worked to satisfy the needs others by giving more than was expected of me, consistently.  And thus, an abundance of generosity in terms of time and energy is what people came to love … and expect from me until ... eventually, I wore myself out.  Once I'd worn out and clearly stated that fact countless times over several years, those who'd come to expect much more than I could continue to give turned a deaf ear to my spoken needs and told me I'd grown selfish, fragile or weak.

At that point in time, while my mind reeled from such shocking changes in attitude, more than one loving relationship descended into a nightmarish maze where confusion evolved into swirls of emotional 'craziness' on both sides.  And in the absence of self-discovery, (on both sides) , relationships, which had thrived, barely survived, because that which felt bad went to worse, all around.

Once the story-telling portion of my mind opens freely, again, I'll describe circumstances, which compelled me to develop a need to grow so self aware as to dive into my past in hopes of retrieving forgotten memories, which offered me the clarity to see the bigger picture of my life as never before.  As insight into my need for introspective objectivity clarified, I began to identify and understand emotional injuries, which had never healed.  With understanding, my defensive reactions were no longer aroused, and as my defensive attitudes changed, my heart embraced a sense of compassion for all concerned ... most especially for those who, fearing the reality of their half baked strengths, remained blind to their defensive retorts in reaction to my declarations of exhaustion.  And thus do certain people continue to misperceive me as being selfish, fragile and weak, even today.

It's an interesting turn of events, isn't it, when negative judgments in terms of fragility, rain down on the head of the person who'd been summoned to resolve everyone else's conflicts, dilemmas and dramas for years without end …

The more I came to recognize that two sides create my whole, (my secure side and my insecure side) the more balanced (objective) my outlook, concerning my personal and professional strengths and vulnerabilities, became.  Needless to say, it takes more courage and humility to define and strengthen one's own vulnerabilities than to sit in judgement of what appears to be the vulnerabilities of others.  On the other hand, common sense suggests that the only way an optimistic realist can hope to create change for the better when facing down pessimistic attitudes shooting bullets straight for the heart is by mustering the courage to recognize how much patience is needed in order not to feel injured anew each time a loved one's defensive misjudgment rains down on my head, today.

Tough work?  Yup!  But no one's spirit can do this work for me but mine.  On the bright side, I know myself to be a hard worker, and when a goal has been set in place, I can depend on my resilience to stay the course and not give up on healing a heartfelt relationship as long as both of us are on this side of the grass.  Bottom line ...

It makes no sense to expect others to respect me more than I respect myself …

If self respect is goal number one, what is goal number two?