1337 A LITTLE BIT OF HEAVEN AND A SWEET SURPRISE

2015

My pleasure center can't feel more blessed than this!

Yesterday, Ravi surprised me

By doing something that all healthy babies are expected to do

She advanced from one stage of mental achievement to the next

So, guess what happens each time

I gaze into the sparkle of her sapphire eyes and

Catch this precious child's innate intelligence imitating what she sees?

 I feel utterly mesmerized, and

All seems right with the world until Ravi is beyond my reach

At which time my pleasure center, longing to engage with

The natural sweetness of her smile, grows greedy for her presence

And that's a truth I can't deny

So, what did Ravi's inquisitive mind absorb that

Tickled my pleasure center during yesterday's play date?

Her intuitive nature, which proves eager to learn, watched

My head swing from side to side, conveying

A silent response indicating 'No', and

As her sweet baby blues locked into my own

Her charming little head swung from side to side, just like mine

Then, I, catching onto this vibe of connectedness between us

Shook my head, again, and

This time, Ravi mimicked me with such

A sparkling smile of glee as to tickle my own

Next thing I knew
This funny little munchkin, whose

Personality delights my spirit more than words can describe

Traded imitating me for initiating our head-shaking dance, repeatedly, while

I, feeling enthralled by Ravi's intelligence

Happily followed her lead!

Needless to say, our minds danced, again and again, until
Ravi's daddy arrived, at which time

I watched Steven fall under his daughter's spell, and

I have no doubt that as soon as my son

Carried this winsome lass from his car into their home

Ravi's natural charm invited her

Mommy's head and heart to dance with hers, as well ...

Upon awakening, this morning, I smiled to think of
How naturally Ravi's mindful absorption came full circle, suggesting

The quickness of a child's open-minded perceptiveness, which

Mimics adult behaviors months before

Language skills, conveying cognitive thoughts, develop

Though Ravi does not yet know that

Shaking her head from side to side indicates 'No'

Her bright little mind will come to understand that

'No' conveys dis-pleasure

And since her curious little mind is sure to hear NO, often—

And since NO proves easy to mimic—

'NO!' will be one of the first words that

Pops out of our sweet little girl's mouth unless

We think to say:  'Ravi, please stop' while

Captivating her curiosity elsewhere

In addition to word choice
Our body language and voice tones will prove consequential, because

Ravi's power of intuition is already absorbing everything

We do, say and unconsciously convey, inclusive of

Our positive and negative attitudes, which

Is why I offer parents, enrolled in my classes, this word to the wise:

Ravi has two parents to mimic ...

So, she'll absorb some mannerisms and traits from one and

Some from the other and

As she spends a considerable amount of time with Yours Truly

Her eager-to-learn (non-defensive) young mind will act like

A thirsty sponge during our play dates, as has already proved true

As for me, the fact of the matter is this:

Ravi's spirit proves so bright, sweet natured and lovable as to make

My pleasure center feel well fed each time
Her presence offers my heart reason to sparkle with joy

And though it's my good fortune to enjoy Ravi's sweetness

At least twice, weekly, I must admit that

My pleasure center yearns for more...
Quoting Deepak Chopra:
The only madness that is sane is the intoxication of love

And so  (with tongue in cheek)

I have reason to thank my high spirited sons, who

During their rambunctious youth
Offered me plenty of reason to develop, practice and model

My Line of Control!

Hey!  Guess what!
I have a feeling that my Ring Master
Is beginning to beckon my story-teller out of the wings ...

1336 A VISION OF PURE JOY

Ravi's sweet smile offers my heart

Reason to dance with joy as

She and I plan to splash in the spa

Then, wrapped in soft, fluffy towels

Our spirits will cuddle and laugh on the patio swing until

Our smarts decide to beat the desert heat by

Enjoying the rest of our play date inside where
Dry diapers, stimulating toys, a bottle and
An emotional environment, which proves
Harmonic for all ages, offers us both
A slice of heaven right here on Earth ...

1335 IT TAKES A KNOWLEDGEABLE RINGMASTER (not a task master) TO RAISE THE FAMILY CIRCUS

2015
Do you realize that post 1334 continued to lengthen, day by day?  That each time I reviewed that summary of insights, new strings of insight popped out of my mind?  Though it's true that a post may run on forever when my stream of conscious thought writes unrestrained, here's why my comfort zone suggests that's A-OK:  Over time, my writing process calls forth an intelligent insight seeker who releases trains of thought that my conscious mind is in need of absorbing more deeply, today, than was true as recently as yesterday.

Let's consider this:  The fact that I challenge my conscious mind with decoding secrets, repressed subconsciously during childhood, proves daunting to say the least!  Each time I coax my defense system to hand over a ghost that literally scared an innocent child out of her wits, my adult decision making process simplifies, immeasurably.  This proves important, because the fate of my destiny depends upon my ability to simplify trains of thought, which, at first, had proven so layered with emotional complexity as to have confounded, not just my sense of clarity concerning reality but the clarity of a renown therapist, whose PhD. degree failed to create an emotional environment so free of judgment as to coax my subconscious to pull back its curtain and expose anguish repressed during childhood.

If you ask why the debilitating nature of that experience, which
Lasted three years, did not turn me off to therapy, I'd reply:
Fortunately, I'd worked with an astute therapist, who had offered me
An emotional environment that felt so safe as to
Support my quest to deepen my self awareness, and
Since the encouraging manner of this therapist tuned into
My subconscious vulnerabilities, my defense system began to
Reveal wounded portions of my self esteem, yearning to heal

If you ask why I didn't return to the first therapist when
The second proved so unperceptive as to
Pour salt into my woundedness, I'd reply—
He'd retired—so for a while
The salted wounds of my self esteem and I were on our own
Thank goodness, intuition did not let me remain rudderless, over long
(And  BTW, if you'd like to know why I'd continued to
Make appointments with a therapist, whose head proved too busy to
Coach me to identify pain, which I'd repressed throughout my life
I'd reply:  At that time, my people-pleasing-peace keeper controlled
My decision-making process, which proved not to be
In my best interest more often than I knew)

If questing toward self discovery in hopes of gaining insight into
Wounded self esteem is the primary goal of therapy, then
You might think to ask:
Why do so many people, who are in need of
Freeing their minds and spirits of undeserved guilt, reject
Any suggestion of opening up to a therapist?
The answer to that question is simple:
Most of us who make up the bell shaped curve
Have little clue about the cause and effect relationship that
Exists between emotional repression and defensive reactions, which
Cause heartfelt goals to remain just beyond our reach—

Have you ever wondered where you and I might find ourselves on the bell-shaped curve?  At one end of the emotional spectrum we'd see world class pleasers, who have little insight into coils of anger, repressed neath fear of failure or rejection.  These people will do most anything that's asked of them in hopes of being accepted.  (It's common to hear these people say:  I don't need therapy—suggesting that therapy is reserved for those whose anger is quick to unleash.

On the other end of the spectrum are those, whose personal anguish remains repressed behind tight coils of fury, which, proves as explosive as TNT—suggestive of those quiet neighbors (or family members) who lash out with such hot blooded violence as to be condemned to live imprisoned for life within a cell.  (Often times, that cell is not in a jail but inside our heads.)

Finally, we view the middle of the bell shaped curve where most of us prove so busy working to achieve goals, which remain just beyond reach, that we can't afford the expenditure of time, energy or dollars necessary to retain therapists, trained to guide us toward reclaiming portions of self esteem, torn painfully away during youth.  Or—perhaps we see the same therapist for years without making a dent in our steely wall of denial.

If you ask:  Isn't anyone well-balanced?  I'd reply:  To differing degrees, most of us are—except for Thor aspects of life in which we are not ... And there in lie our fatal flaws.

Regardless of where each of us falls on the bell shaped curve, common sense suggests that need-for-change-for-the-better speaks to—one and all. And knowing that the benefits of healing wounded portions of self esteem, which ooze anew when today's experience stimulates subconscious sensations of deja-vu, can cost a king's ransom, the teacher in me feels compelled to pass this layman's accumulation of knowledge forward to do with as you please—free of fees.

As you know, it's my choice to dive ever more deeply through layers of denial in hopes of freeing my brain of PTSD—which continues to be quite a feat.  If you ask why I feel so committed to gaining clarity concerning reclaiming lost portions of my self esteem, I'd reply with these questions:  Wouldn't everyone in their 'right' minds work to cleanse themselves of subconscious fears that complicate a person's decision-making process?  I mean, who in their 'right' mind would allow emotional complexity, based in unidentified fear, to confound their think tank's ability to create change for the better—indefinitely?

Though you may not need to heal from PTSD, no one escapes childhood emotionally unscathed, suggesting we're all in need of identifying subconscious fears that deny us from achieving personal goals.

Recently, a friend of mine asked her therapist:  How will I know when I'm healed?
Her therapist smiled and replied:  You'll know.

Somehow, I feel close to achieving that goal ...
What makes me believe that to be true?
Well, speaking experiencially:  Each time a wounded portion of my self esteem feels healed, my perception of the person I choose to be strengthens, proportionately.  And as my self perception strengthens, my comfort zone expands.  As my comfort zone expands, my decision making process matures.  As my decision-making process matures, the courage of my convictions can be heard each time discretion decides the time is ripe to open my mouth and express my opinion in hopes of resolving a conflict by respectfully revealing insight into deeper truth, which defensive attitudes tend to miss ...

As I hone my ability to differentiate between natural fears, concerning love, life and death vs. traumatized fears, repressed in an unprocessed state, guess what happens?  My control freak relaxes.  And so does my peace of mind.

If at this time, you'd like to ask:
Annie how ready does your story teller feel to move forward, I'd reply:
Resistance continues to outweigh my story teller's sense of readiness, sooo ...
While waiting patiently for readiness to ready itself
Let's keep these next insights in the forefront of our minds:

The most difficult mind to teach is one that cowers, fearful of failure, behind
A many layered defensive wall

The most rewarding mind to teach belongs to one, whose thirst for knowledge has
Little reason to fear that which a compassionate teacher imparts artfully from the heart

If you ask me to name the subject that proves closest to my heart, I'd reply:
Mastering The Art of Giving and Receiving Love, Unconditionally

If you ask why we fall in love with those, whose traits seem to oppose our own—
Well—I had cause to ask Mother Nature that very question and
Finding herself in the hot seat, here's what she confessed under oath:
Opposites attract in hopes that both people may feel inspired
To embrace personal growth by learning from each other's strengths—otherwis
Repressed fears and defensive reactions gang up against mutual respect, and
Wen mutual respect feels pulverized
Half of the bell shaped curve lands up in divorce court

After listening astutely, I couldn't help but ask:
Well—since the divorce rate suggests that
Your original plan hasn't met with a high degree of success
What plan do you have in mind for us, next?
At this, Mother Nature looked to Socrates, who
Shrugged his shoulders while passing the baton to
The Bard, who passed the baton to Henry James, who
Conspired with Austin and Bronte, and though
Women finally broke through that glass ceiling
They passed the baton to Ingmar Bergman, who
Proving too dour for his own good
Passed the buck to Woody Allen, who, being neurotic
Turned his own family life into a sham
And finally, my niece pleaded with me to write a blog, expressing
That which I've chosen to learn about loving unconditionally—
And you can believe me when I say that as convoluted as
Some of my trains of thought prove to be—
I do my best to clarify that which I seek to learn, day by day—
In fact, in recent years, I've worked until my think tank
Feeling exhausted, pleads for downtime to re-energize—and now that
My ring master has gained control over the three ring circus that
Exists inside my head, a rebalanced sense of
Personal well-being is mine whether conflict arises or not ...
And hopefully, while sharing stories, concerning
My adventures through each stage of life
I'll do my best to impart insight into deeper truths, which may offer
Your heart, mind and spirit a greater sense of inner peace, too

BTW
I've not forgotten about posts, concerning newly exposed fears, not yet published ...
Or the story about gift giving at the holidays, left unfinished ...
All posts, stored in drafts, will show up at a later date

As for now, let's think back to that which was
Taking place in your life (or your parents' lives) during the year 1968, because
That's where my story teller plans to take us, once my think tank feels revived
All we're waiting for is my Ring Master to direct my sense of readiness to
Throw my time machine's gear shift into reverse and off we'll go ...

If you ask:  Annie, what will your spirit do while readiness percolates?
I'd reply:
Pretty much whatever I want ...
Certain perks come with more candles on my birthday cake than I can believe!

1334 TEACHER, RING MASTER AND EVERYTHING THAT MAKES UP BOTH SIDES OF MYNATURE

NOTABLE QUOTES:

The thing I loved most—and still love the most about teaching—is that you can connect with an individual or group and see that individual or group exceed their limits—Mike Krzyzewski

Tell me and I forget.  Teach me and I remember.  Involve me and I learn—Benjamin Franklin

The greatest success for a teacher is to be able to say:  The children are now working as if I didn't exist—Maril Montessori

A teacher affects eternity; she (or he) can never tell where her (his) influence stops—Henry Adams

I teach and write, because I can't not—Annie

2015
In case you wonder why I divide my brain into separate parts as I write, such as:  my brainstorming think tank, my subconscious, my innate intelligence, my naive mind sets, my positive and negative attitudes, my voracious-mind-expanding-thirst-for-knowledge, my heartfelt capacity to embrace love, my intuitive insight-seeker, my imagination's creative planner, my adventurous, enthusiastic self confidence, my bursts of mental energy, my NGU sense of hope, my corny sense of humor, my high spirited smile, my extroverted wild thing, my introverted deep thinker, my memory bank, my conscious awareness, my joyous Pied Piper, my impassioned teacher, my intuitive need for personal growth, my patient sense of humility, my growing sense of self awareness, my compassionate instinct for nurturing broken wings, my natural instinct to coach youth, my people-pleasing-peace-keeper, my defense system's fear of rejection, my hyper-vigilant control freak, my pain center where repressed anger depresses my spirit's energetic lust for life, my wall of denial (behind which layers of emotion that I'm afraid to acknowledge—to myself—remain in a numbed but not deadened state) and—my newly assertive negotiator—there is method to my madness.  When you stop to think about it, there's a lot more than we know going on inside our heads!

If I referred to my brain as a whole, it would be impossible to clarify the curious ways that its contradicting parts create the three ring circus that proves to be my inner life, which is made up of lions and tigers, whose roars are most often caged, and elephant-sized weights, which stomp on my peace of mind until corny clowns, honking horns, and dancing bears, twirling round and round, capture my attention until I spy the bare back rider in a barely-there costume that sparkles in the night whenever the spice in my spirit catches fire as I fantasize about high wire dare devils, flying through the air without so much as a care for the danger I fear—until the jugglers and acrobats, grounded, below, offer my thrill-seeker reason to calm, catch my breath and relax—until my insight seeker awakens with this alarming question hanging heavy in the air:  Where might this non-stop circus, which serves as a metaphor for the commotion that takes place within your brain and mine, take us next if we have no conscious clue of our need to assign an experienced ring master as knowledgable leader, over all, so that, a steady eye is trained on every ring with this long range goal in mind:  As long as I hold my intelligent ring master accountable for keeping a well-balanced view over details that others may miss, then little will fly over my head that might otherwise cause the Big Top, which shelters my personal sense of safety, to collapse on my watch.  WHEW!

Each time my ringmaster signals my juggler to take time out to rebalance logic with emotion, my thought processor re-centers in such a self disciplined manner that my defense system feels less likely to look for a scapegoat to blame for unhappiness that runs deeper than my conscious mind can grasp on its own.  Actually, I figure it this way:  If my ringmaster had the gumption to develop listening, speaking and decision-making skills, which had joyfully, creatively and successfully launched three baby birds to fly so free as to feather their own nests, then somewhere inside my brain I must have developed the know-how to retire my life-long wrestling match with inner conflict in favor of launching my peace of mind—as in—Better late than never!  Luckily, I'd consciously coached myself to role model self control while raising my young, so by the time my intuitive need for clarity implored me to employ a ring master, experienced in reorganizing yesteryear's thought patterns to adapt to the world we inhabit, today, I, being half way home, knew who to choose! DOUBLE WHEW!

OMG!  No wonder why flames of repressed fury fry my peace of mind when I recall loved ones (whom I'd sheltered neath my wing) pronouncing me selfish or fragile when I'd respectfully expressed the fact that I had personal needs, which called for my time, energy and consideration, too.  Thank goodness, my life as mom to three rambunctious boys had offered me reason to develop a LINE OF CONTROL, behind which I'd consciously suppressed tightly wound coils of tension until moments spent in time out calmed my frustration from springing out like a Jack in the Box, programmed to shout:  I can't believe my ears!  I didn't wear out because I'm selfish or fragile!  I wore out from being so selfless and strong as to lift you up and carry you forth when tidal waves of frustration wore YOUR spirit down!  I wore out from serving YOUR needs until I had no energy left to hold my head above the mental confusion of verbal nonsense that made no sense, at all!  Once we made it to shore, I had to identify outdated mind sets, retire undeserved guilt, rest my weary mind and meet my needs in hopes of perking up my spirit while I'm still on this side of the grass!  TRIPLE WHEW!

It's important to note that my frustration with loved ones did not drown my PEACE-KEEPER.  In fact,  once my PEACE-KEEPER acknowledged her role as ENABLER, concerning the unbalanced nature of our extended family dynamics, my heavy spirit had reason to grow buoyant.  Why?  Well, first of all, I had sound reason to cast the heavy weight of undeserved guilt overboard, and secondly, my peace-keeper and people-pleaser no longer felt conjoined.  Once I stopped enabling everyone to depend so much on me, my people-pleaser retired.  And after she relaxed, so did my fear of rejection during conflict.  If you ask why that proved true, I'd reply:  Because I no longer rejected myself!

When loved ones were not happy with this necessary change in me, I felt confused until anger, long repressed, emerged.  Thank goodness my LINE OF CONTROL muzzled my tiger from lashing out with retorts that my peace keeper would surely regret.  (Have you read THE LIFE OF PI?)  As to the dancing bear, who'd been so well trained as to have grown too docile for words, she's developed the self awareness necessary to reclaim the self respect to freely say—sorry, but Dancing to your tune won't work for me, today.  Upon grasping the importance of not guilting myself as selfish when my needs and the needs of others conflict, confusion bowed to clarity and, over time, my acceptance of human nature mollified my frustration, as well.  EACH TIME CLARITY CAUSES CONFUSION TO SHRINK, AN EMOTIONALLY MATURED SENSE OF SELF CONFIDENCE STRENGTHENS MY VOICE, WHICH, OVER TIME, HAS GROWN EVER MORE BOLD.

*Thank goodness, 'better late than never' grew so mindful as to have developed a voice that respectfully expresses my needs with attention to detail, no matter how often listeners in denial turn a deaf ear.

Thank goodness my sense of hope remains intact, concerning reconnecting, meaningfully, with deeply valued relationships by way of brainstorming until clarity clears the air of emotional smoke screens, made up of defensive confusion, so that newly constructed bridges can address conflicting needs in a mutually respectful manner.  And resultant of adventuring ever more courageously into self discovery, I'm glad to say that I did not lose my head!

Gosh!  Look at how often respect popped up in this post!
Hey!  Seen in that light, I'm not a selfish person, after all!
And at this point in time, I'm glad to say that clarity stops me from
Flogging myself with undeserved guilt when conflict arises—
Actually, no more flogging, anyone!
Why not?
Once repressed anger has been respectfully released and subconscious pain feels relieved
My heart invites compassion and forgiveness for crumpets and tea
And taking time for tea soothes the conflicted soul

Once my offspring were launched, Socrates swooped down from on high, and hovering close to my ear, the sage whispered—TIME TO KNOW THYSELF, ANNIE—with such strength of conviction that his message filtered through my wall of denial, straight into my soul.  And like a hungry hummingbird,  instinctively drawn to inhaling the fragrance of flowers, my soul felt need to be nourished by the sweet nectar of unconditional love as never before.

As one positive change leads to another, a deepening sense of intuitive thought inspired my think tank to seek out a Ring Master, whose intelligent brain felt inspired to accumulate a wealth of self-help knowledge so that, over time, the positively focused philosophy of this leader would guide the three ring circus within my head to travel along trains of thought so provocative as to brighten my think tank with strings of insight that deepened my conscious understanding of love, life and last but not least, both sides of myself.  And now that my ring master has emerged from within my soul, my acrobats and jugglers have gained a new sense of balance between my need to tunnel toward Aha! moments (which enhance self awareness in ways that lighten my spirit) with those times when the wearied state of my insight-seeking mind needs to clown around, or just plain rest.  As to my bare back rider, you can be certain that she'll show up in a story that's sure to entertain, down the road—and I know that to be true, because the PG13 nature of that true tale was penned, long ago ...

As today's train of thought approaches the next station, which awaits our arrival, it's plain to see why my hard working Ring Master is in need of a well deserved rest.  You see, before I'd thought to call forth this knowledgable leader, who holds her resilence accountable for attaining a well balanced sense of control over the contradicting functions of this complex instrument that directs my life, the three ring circus within my brain had often felt as challenging to calm as an uncaged zoo.

And speaking of an uncaged zoo, Necessity, which proves to be the mother of invention, implored me to create five communication tools, which developed inside my head while raising my young.  In truth, it was my need for sanity that conjured up these tools in hopes of guiding my sons' trains of thought to line up with a greater sense of decision-making clarity than had been true of me when I was a child.  Once their wings took flight, my attention span had time to consider the circus train that cycled round and round inside my head in the dark of night when fear of conflict gnawed at my peace of mind.

As this circus train kept pulling my decision-making process from one inner conflict toward the next, my powers of intuitive thought had reason to seek insight into past events.  And that was especially true when I began to question why the elephant in the room felt need to tiptoe over eggshells in hopes of not losing her footing.  The more I came to understand about my past, the more the elephant the shrunk.  And  one day, I awoke to find that the elephant has transformed into a voice, versed in communicating my needs, openly, freely, respectfully, and most importantly ... Unconflictedly!

As strings of insight inspired my circus train to switch tracks from thoughts based in fear of rejection to clarity—concerning the person I have grown to be—my processor began to unload excess baggage, which had weighed so heavy on my mind as to cause my spirit's effervescent smile to slump.

Each time my circus train pulls into a station where excess baggage is unpacked and examined in depth, I gain a deeper understanding of a little girl's innocence, concerning unhealthy situations, long past, which had weighed so heavy within an unprocessed pocket of my subconscious as to cause the light hearted nature of my smile to tear up in the dark of night when everyone in my house slept soundly—except for deeply confused me.

How many times had a sweet little girl heard:  Annie, don't feel that way!
As though feeling angry, jealous, tearful, fearful, frustrated or shy was—bad—rather than 100% natural ...

Though no one meant to make me feel as if any emotional reaction, during conflict was bad, a child's comprehension is so literal as to believe that a good girl or boy would 'jump to it' wearing a smile.

Though it's true that my mind still feels more weary than not, my spirit smiles to think of how far I've come in reclaiming myself as a whole, and I have no doubt that once my think tank has re-energized, my enthusiasm for penning true tales, concerning the three ring circus that life proved to be with my sons, will revive.

Upon reflection, I can see that the Pied Piper, whose playful nature created an environment of emotional safety in which her children felt free to express the full spectrum of their emotions clearly and naturally, awakened my need to be heard with the same sense of harmonic compassion that I'd offered my young instead of burdening the minds of three rambunctious little guys with undeserved guilt similar to that which I'd unknowingly begun to flog myself, subconsciously, beginning with my sister's tragic death, when I was three—

Though my Ring Master has repeatedly expressed need of rest, this is not to say that my tunneling days have reached the end of the line.  Just saying it's my time to rest at this station and bask in the sun rather than collecting fireflies in the dark, at least for a while ...

Hopefully, these last few posts have offered you insight into why—once my sons were launched—it was high time that my well-practiced sense of leadership gained a deeper understanding of the complex, interactive functions of the three ring circus that continues to accompany me everywhere I go.  And with that said, my trusty Ring Master has just reminded the rest of her crew to refresh the resilience of my positive attitude toward life and love by offering our brain, down time until my high spirited leadership skills feel fully stoked and ready to leap back into the center ring where upon blowing my whistle, the storyteller—who has been waiting, patiently, in the wings for her cue to strut her stuff—will reemerge, suggesting that before too long, your friend, Annie, will take center stage at age 24 ...

If you ask:
Annie, how do you know that everything you've expressed about your three ring circus is true?
I'd reply:
This is not my ring master's first rodeo, and she's the one who wrote this post :)

1333 WHO CAPTAINS MY CONTROL FREAK?

2015
Have I mentioned that control freaks come in two varieties?
The first variety harbors this subconscious misperception:
'Safety' is assured by micromanaging every decision that rightfully belongs to others
The second variety harbors this subconscious misperception:
'Safety' is assured by denying personal needs, which, creating conflict, rock the boat
As opposites attract, the decision-maker connects with the peace-keeper
And all is well until life offers the person, who fears making waves
Reason to stumble through a door where curiosity, concerning
Self discovery, beckons, and as each step taken toward
Personal growth entices the peace keeper to dive ever more
Deeply into the great unknown, guess what emerges, over time?
The voice that this person, who'd feared making waves, had
Swallowed during childhood! And as this voice seeks sound reason
To grow ever more clearly self assured, personal needs, which
Had coiled up behind a wall of denial, begin to ride out of
Subconscious repression on waves of impassioned expression ...
And as one change leads to another, the relationship between opposites
Grows better or worse for this reason:
Relationships are living things, and living things
Don't stay the same, very long, and here is why that's true:
Living things need nourishment to bloom and thrive or
They shrink up and die...
Oh wait!  A third possibility exists, as well:
If, as we age, neither person grows wiser about the three ring circus that
Exists inside our heads then the vibrancy of both minds feels so burdened
With emotional confusion, concerning personal loss, as to sour the mind
If both minds grow more dour, year by year, then both spirits feel
Too weighted with grief to feel joyful, and in the absence of joy
Life feels too depressing for words—been there, done that ... thrice

If you ask about the current mental state of my brain, I'm glad to report that
Intuitive trains of thought inspired me to pen this post, suggesting
Reason for my spirit to lift as this next thought comes to mind:
My thought processor feels more relaxed than was true earlier in the week, and
If you ask whom I credit for creating that change-for-the-better
I'll introduce you to the ring master, whom I've recently employed to
Oversee my control freak, who'd felt need to write for hours in search of
Insight into clarity, every, single day!

Once my ring master gathered my control freak (who proves a stubborn
Task master) under her protective wing, my think tank felt less burdened by
My burning desire to know myself not as my defense system
Perceives me to be but as I really am

Though penning posts about darkly defensive times caused
My conscious mind to flood with emotionl confusion—which
Drained my spirit of energy each time a subconscious secret surfaced—
My inner task master refused to free my think tank to rest until recently, when
My powers of intuition felt need of a ring master, who was instructed to
Hold up a stop sign, which made my control freak slam on the brakes

Upon engaging with the relentless nature of my inner task master
My ring master said:  Enough diving for insight, already!  At least for now.
Once our think tank feels rested, we'll pull our three ring circus
Out of this rest station and switch tracks, so our train of thought
Can make headway toward arriving at our next destination, where
Re-enacting our adventures in parenting are sure to
Re-energize our spirit's sense of joy ...
Bottom line:  Time spent with Ravi is joyful, indeed; however
"Joy is an inside job", and knowing that quote to be true
I hold myself accountable for inspiring
My spirit to feel joyful, for sound reason, every day ...

After listening intently to every directive that
Rang out of my ring master's self confident
Storehouse of knowledge, clear as a bell
My control freak, feeling bested, respectfully requested
An explanation, describing the three ring circus, which, left leaderless
Creates such a discordant cacophony of combustible emotion as to
Make my head pound with so much confounding commotion as to
Interfere with my processor's innate potential to decrease defensive nonsense by
Developing a partnership between common sense and intelligence

At this point, if your curiosity, concerning that explanation, is peaking
Please tune in, tomorrow, when my description of
The three ring circus, which accompanies me every place I go
Shows up on your screen—and BTW, you can count on
That being true, because my control freak wrote and edited
That post before my Ring Master gained control over my brain, as a whole ...

1332 WHY DID I FEAR MY OWN EXPRESSION OF ANGER?

2015
If you asked me to name the insight I've been seeking, all along
I'd reply:  I've been seeking insight into my fatal flaw, which
Proves to be my fear of this transgression:
Behind my wall of denial exists anger at loved ones

Holy smoke screens!
Ever since Janice died, anger terrified me
In fact, any expression of anger felt so alarming
That the mere hint of conflict breathed life into this peacekeeper

As emotional tension, crackling through the air, equated with
Danger, threatening to erupt, my defense system
Repressed my frustration behind a wall of denial before
I could feel rejected by anyone's frown ... including my own

The fact that I'd retained a numbed sense of anger
Burned holes in my peace of mind, condemning me to feel
'Guilty' of wrong doing until therapy coaxed me to
Develop the courage to seek insight into secrets I'd kept from myself

Though insight into one secret after another surfaced
Anger, numbed behind subconscious fear of rejection
Remained blocked from my conscious awareness for so long that
I had no clue how to pinpoint exactly what I was angry about

Today, it's plain to see that I have been very angry
At not feeling free to grow up to be uniquely ME!
Year after year, I've been working to grow wings that
Would not let me crash at the mere hint of a loved one's frown!

Do you know that fear, fury and undeserved guilt
Repressed in a deeply anesthetized state
Will appear to the naked eye as nervous tension or depression until
Conscious awareness of subconscious pain has reason to reawaken?

Do you know how often fear, fury and undeserved guilt
Repressed, over long, lead to substance abuse, which
Releases sudden eruptions of repressed violence?
For heaven sake!  We need to know this stuff!

If you'd like to ask:  What coping device can we call upon other than
Substance abuse, nervous tension, depression or a lifetime of denial?
I'd reply: Let's exchange feeling stuck in a rut for setting out on
A heartfelt quest into self discovery, where life's illusive goals are achieved

I've come to see that my recent state of restless, head-achy tension is
Symptomatic of my intuitive need to identify and release
Every last vestige of undeserved guilt, based in anger that
I'd feared to acknowledge as my own, over my lifetime

Anger at what?
The answer to that riddle resides in
Those posts, which have been written but not yet published

Anger at whom?
The answer to that riddle resides in
A series of stories, which readiness will release down the road

Why did I fear anger so much as to repress so much of my own?
Any expression of my anger might have released a tidal wave of frustration
Over the fact that I'd blocked my needs in favor of serving those I loved

I'd feared that releasing a tidal wave of repressed frustration might loosen
A maelstrom of such mega proportions as to make me forget my 'vow' to
Resolve conflicts in a peaceable manner with mutual respect intact

So, guess what happened when my wall of denial sprung a leak and
Needs I'd repressed were respectfully voiced?  Loved ones, whose mindsets proved
So defensive as to turn a deaf ear, deemed me selfish for valuing myself

(Wow!  Did my Line of Control come in handy during that deeply painful time!)

Since selfish people are difficult to love, my defense system felt conflicted whenever
I voiced any word or tone of voice that might give loved ones reason to
Believe that this peace keeper harbored even one self absorbed thought in her head

So, guess where that got me?
Stuck in a place where I felt damned if I silenced or voiced my needs, and that
Proved true until gains in personal growth reduced pain, based in undeserved guilt

Riddle #1
Do you know what increases once defensive anger and undeserved guilt
Are clearly identified and respectfully released?

That which increases as defensive reactiveness decreases
Proves to be generosity of spirit, and generosity of spirit is necessary to
Giving and receiving love, unconditionally

Riddle #2
If anger, based in undeserved guilt, exacerbates defensiveness then
What is needed to convey innocence of wrong-doing with self confidence?

In order to relieve ourselves of defensive anger, based in undeserved guilt
We need to brainstorm through a complex maze of emotional confusion until
A growing sense clarity, based in factual evidence, speaks of deeper truth

As I reflect over the fact that fear of rejection had forced me to
Swallow my voice much more often than not over most of my life, here is
The legacy of buried treasure that I hope to have passed to my sons:

I hope to have encouraged each one to absorb a deeply rooted
Confident sense of self esteem that inspires their
Wing spans to expand far and above that which had been true of mine

And as you have watched me labor to pull my subconscious fears and furies
Out by their roots, can you guess whose wing span plans to expand
Far more freely, during my golden years, than had ever felt possible before?

Though it's taken quite some time to focus a spotlight of insight upon
My subconscious mindset of guilt-ridden anger, which
Denied a frightened child of peace of mind ...

The adult I choose to be has worked, painstakingly, to gain clarity into
Situations which had catalyzed a lifetime of emotional complexity, and
With clarity restored, my restless sense of tension has sound reason to relax

With that said, guess who is about to retire her mindful state of
Hyper vigilance, which catalyzed my need to write toward insight, every day?
The control freak, whom I'd not consciously thought myself to be!

Horoscopic musings:
Though doing something you're good at can make you feel happy
You may forsake happiness if you feel you must be good for goodness sake

It's been said that all fires start small.  You'll fan the one inside you with the kindling of your mind and the passion of your heart for this reason—
Everyone can be wrong about what's right for you ...

1331 CLOSING IN ON THAT MISSING INSIGHT

2015
So, you know that my therapist has been coaxing me to identify and release
Fear-based anger and undeserved feelings of guilt, repressed over my lifetime

Have you wondered why that's so hard for me to do?

In order for my brain to repress fear and anger from conscious awareness
My defense system must work at denying this fact:
Specific fears and furies, which have been
Gagged, tied and subconsciously buried alive behind my defensive wall
Have been kicking to express the truth of their existence ...  every day
Throughout each stage of my life

I find it of interest to note that your defense system and mine are
Empowered to build walls that prove impenetrable without
The guidance of astute, professional help

Within post after post you've watched my processor labor to
Give birth to strings of insight in hopes of identifying
The specific mind set that caused
A good little girl to condemn her guilt-ridden self
Unworthy of receiving love unless her character proved flawless

In light of the fact that you have watched me labor, intensively, to
Gain insight into my need to free a frightened child from feeling
So guilt-ridden as to deem her imperfections unlovable, I wonder if
You can identify the specific insight that
My processor is currently laboring to release?

(If today's riddle puzzles your processor, may I respectfully suggest releasing your
Deep sea diver to delve more deeply into the first two lines of today's post ...)