I WAS SPREAD SO THIN THAT POLLYANA’S PERSONA POPPED

 Over the first fifty years of my life, when it came to TLC, I’d unknowingly shortchanged myself by overcompensating, and thus did I offer more help than was ever asked of me—perpetually—until … finally, I’d totally worn myself out—spiritually, physically, emotionally and logically at which time I, feeling utterly exhausted of energy listened to certain loved ones uncompassionately projecting their own traits thus referring to me as being selfish and weak.  Watching myself go from Mary Poppins to Cinderella in flash, I came to see that once my need for rest clashed with their need to deny their reliance on me to ‘fix’ shortcomings of their own, I was toast in their esteem.

How does one wear out logically?  My processor felt so worn to the bone with confusion that I literally couldn’t think straight to save my sanity—which is what I’d actually been engaged in doing ever since my baby sister’s sudden death devastated our extended family only weeks after my beloved healthy grandpa died from a massive heart attack when I was not quite three, and so cofounded and terrified was I (fearing that, one by one, my whole family would die) that I’d unconsciously made it my business to keep everyone happily alive—no more loved ones lying in bed crying for weeks on end or stomping around, looking like zombies—not on my (three year old) watch—and thus was Annie Pollyanna Poppins born when I was just a tot, thus was a smile my umbrella with which I’d made short work of any sadness that had the audacity to hang around anyone I loved.  Or anyone I knew.  And that included strangers to whom I’d introduce myself if they appeared lonely and in need of a friendly smile to cheer them right back up. (Don’t let Mom out of the house the day before Thanksgiving—she’s known to bring home strangers who would otherwise be alone).

So if a sparkling smile had been mine between the ages of three and fifty then what changed that caused my collapse to be so utterly fear-struck (seven years hence) that my smile flipped upside down; my muscles could barely unclench to stand up; my processor couldn’t think to save my sanity and my solution seeker extraordinaire closed up shop?  Indefinitely.

As all mysteries are not solved with immediacy, that’s more than enough to chew on for today 

Annie

PS  Here’s a hint or let’s make that five:

—undeserved guilt; PTSD; fear of abuse; a death in the family and—I’d taken a class where I’d met a man.