Thank goodness, the scope of the post published several days back had been guided by my power of intuition, because thoughts that I’d felt need to convey proved much too complex for my conscious mind to have grappled with on its own.
I had to rewrite every sentence several times until that which was being communicated (to me) had been expressed so clearly as to be understood by those of you who have not yet read posts published early on, detailing the traumatic effects of certain childhood events that had offered me reason to experience episodes of PTSD, which had remained undiagnosed until I was in my early sixties at which time I’d gained the insight to grasp why my assertive voice had no trouble speaking up for the underdog unless that underdog was me.
So how did I manage to enjoy a joyous life if subconsciously, I’d felt damaged, soiled and unworthy of love? Well, rather than developing a self respectful voice, I’d developed into such a successful pleaser as to have felt as loved as did Mary Poppins, and like that tirelessly cheerfully employed caregiver, I never forgot to add a spoonful of sugar to any consequence that might have otherwise felt abrasive to whomsoever I’d felt subconsciously committed to help to develop a growing sense of self disciplined emotional control.
In short, when it came to TLC, I’d unknowingly overcompensated by offering more than was ever asked of me—perpetually—until EMDR therapy offered me sound reason to undergo a series of highly personal and yet classical epiphanies concerning who had been empowered to slice through my assertive self confident persona so as to silence my voice with no more than the mere hint of a sneer or the slight shrug of a shoulder or brief lift of one brow ...
Today is Yom Kippur. Our day of atonement. The day has just begun. One day this week, but not necessarily tomorrow, I’ll offer up insight into asking forgiveness for transgressions against others as well as transgressions against oneself,
Annie
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