Monday, October 11, 2021

7 BLINDSIDED Part 7

Though yesterday’s post continues to ring true, today, I’ve realized that memory somehow leaped over these past four days until just now when, upon glancing back, I caught an honest view of myself that bears acknowledgment before I can hope to regain a more peaceful state of mind by way of heightening my current sense of self awareness..

My autonomic nervous system is not the only deregulated part of me. 

You see, ever since my sister Janice’s tragic, sudden death when I was three, I’ve harbored a subconscious problem that stimulates an over production of empathy, suggesting that, over time, I unknowingly absorb my loved ones’ grief-stricken state of being as though the excruciating degree of their pain, worry and fear is my own.

As this over-reactive sense of emotional stimulation proves subconscious in nature, I appear to function just fine until the absorption of my loved ones’ pain reaches such substantive proportions as to burst through my defense system’s wall of denial, leaving my conscious mind feeling so suddenly overwhelmed by unidentified emotions as to believe myself unworthy of love and therefore unsafe as if everyone I love will surely turn their backs on me (as I’d feared was true at the age of three in the aftermath of my baby sister’s shocking death) if I don’t pull myself together, act sunny and ‘fix everyone who seems broken beyond self-repair, ASAP.

And as that subconscious eruption overwhelmed my current state of dependency, throughout these past four days, thank goodness, I’d experienced years of EMDR therapy, because on day four, a brain brightening series of inter-related insights hit, lighting up the fact that having been swallowed up by the dark side of my mind, I’d begun to experience a full blown attack of PTSD

👩🏻Annie

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