ONE LAST STRING OF INSIGHT LADEN THOUGHTS SPOTLIGHTING WHY EPISODES OF PTSD EMERGE FROM MY DARK SIDE TO BROW BEAT MY BRIGHT SIDE, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, REPEATEDLY

HERE IT COMES —ONE LAST TRAIN OF THOUGHT, DRIVEN BY MY POWER OF INTUITION TO DESCRIBE MY BRAIN’S PERSONAL PROGRESSION THROUGH THE PROCESS OF REGAINING MENTAL CLARITY ONCE EACH NEXT EPISODE OF PTSD HAS RUN ITS COURSE, FREEING MY SMARTS TO WORK CONSCIENTIOUSLY AT IDENTIFYING THE MOST RECENT TRIGGER WHICH HAD STIMULATED A DEEPLY REPRESSED UNPROCESSED FEAR BURIED ALIVE BEHIND MY DEFENSIVE WALL OF DENIAL DURING CHILDHOOD TO SUBCONSCIOUSLY ARISE AND BROW BEAT MY SELF WORTH INTO AN UNRECOGNIZABLE PULP AS THOROUGHLY AS IF MY GRANDMA HAD RISEN FRON HER GRAVE TO BROW BEAT HER DAUGHTER INTO ETERNAL SUBMISSION (THOUGH AS LONG AS THIS GHOST-LIKE AWARENESS REMAINS UNCONSCIOUS IN NATURE THE CONSCIOUS PORTION OF MY THOUGHT PROCESSOR WILL FEEL WORTHLESS WITHOUT SO MUCH AS AN INKLING OF A CLUE AS TO WHY THAT FEELING HAS ARISEN BEING THAT SPIKES OF LATENT ANXIETY STRIKE SO HIGH AS TO HIJACK MY PROCESSOR’S SMARTS INTO THE PAST WHERE A THREE YEAR OLD CHILD HAD NO CLUE OF HER BRAIN‘S DARK SIDE’S CAPACITY TO INTERNALIZE HER GRAMMA’S BULLYING NATURE SO AS TO HAVE TURNED GRAMMA’S WHIPLASHING TONGUE INWARD UPON MY IMPERFECTIONS, THUS AROUSING MY SUBCONSCIOUS NEED TO COCOON MY VULNERABILITIES AWAY FROM EVERY EYE THAT MIGHT STRIKE MY EXHAUSTED MENTAL POWERS DOWN AT TIMES WHEN I FEEL AS POWERLESS AS HAD BEEN TRUE AT THE AGE OF THREE, BECAUSE, EACH TIME MY PROCESSOR FEELS SUCKER PUNCHED BY EXHAUSTION, MY MENTAL STRENGTHS, ACQUIRED OVER MY LIFETIME, FEEL SUCKED, UNCONSCIOUSLY, INTO THE CLUTCHES OF YET ANOTHER EPISODE OF PTSD WHERE MY PROCESSOR HAS NO CONSCIOUS CLUE OF THIS FACT:  NO ONE CAN BULLY MY STATE OF EXHAUSTION INTO OVEREXTENSION SO AS TO SERVE MY LOVED ONES NEEDS AS MUCH AS MY DARK SIDE IS WONT TO DO EACH TIME MY SELF ASSERTIVE VOICE IS HIJACKED (AND THUS DISEMPOWERED BY UNIDENTIFIED FEAR OF GRAMMA’S BRUTAL TONGUE LASHING TURNING AWAY FROM BROWBEATING MY MOTHER TOWARD BEATING MY THREE YEAR OLD FLEDGLING SELF WORTH TO A PULP, LEAVING THE CONSCIOUS PORTION OF MY ADULT PROCESSOR FEELING AS HELPLESSLY BATTERED, WORTHLESS AND TRAUMATIZED AS HAD BEEN MY EXPERIENCE DURING THE LENGTHY, TERRIFYING, EMOTIONALLY DARK AND STORMY AFTERMATH OF JANET’S TRAGIC DEATH, WHICH LEFT MY ENTIRE FAMILY’S PERSONAL SAFETY SO DEEPLY TRAUMATIZED THAT NONE OF US WERE EVER THE SAME CAREFREE PEOPLE WHOM EACH OF US HAD BEEN BEFORE GRANDPA’S AND JANET’S SUDDEN DEMISES, SIX WEEKS APART, HAD SERVED TO SHATTER EVERYONE’S EMOTIONAL ENVIRONMENT—WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MY FATHER’S INNER STRENGTHS AT WHICH TIME MY DIRE NEED FOR PERSONAL SAFETY ENMESHED WITH HIS LOVE FOR ME (and not until this very moment had deeper truth consciously identified my processor’s awareness of this fact:  The self steadying nature of my inner strengths had become enmeshed with my dad’s inner strengths when I was three, and upon his death, something happened between my mom and me that triggered my first full blown attack of PTSD, which, before that devastating time (for Mom and me) had not yet been diagnosed)

I sure do hope that your processor is able to understand the complex nature of the awarenesses, which tunneled their way out of subconscious storage upon arising this morning, so as to filter, word by word, through my wall of denial into the conscious portion of my processor, today.

So, please bear with my intuitive powers speaking
Aloud (to me) for one more day before I freely
Release my storyteller’s voice, because I feel compelled to
Send this highly significant awareness into
Cyberspace concerning the role played by
Mental exhaustion in triggering my think tank to
Feel highly vulnerable to each eruptive episode of PTSD
At which time, my subconscious voice
Transforms into my gramma’s, which is silently empowered
To whip my human vulnerabilities into a pain-ridden pulp
With the same tongue lashing whip that
My mother’s mother had whipped her daughter’s
Self worth into servile submission just as I’d unknowingly
Whipped myself   Over my lifetime, my persona smiling
All the while until my smile wore so thin that it fell flat on
Its thoroughly exhausted face and faced inner need to seek
Solitude for weeks until my processor’s rested readiness to
Reclaim my lost sense of self worth (and peace of mind) has
Recovered its full charge o re-oxygenated energy, which
My pattern of thinking had drained dry subconsciously so
Many times over my lifetime as to have grown ever more
Anxious as I age, feeling subconscious need to whip
My tired self into overextending my capacity to meet
The needs of my loved ones or be of help, time and again
Thus masking my fear of feeling as worthless and thus
As alone and terror-struck as I’d felt at
The age of three when death indiscriminately had
Spirited away two deeply loved members of our family—
The eldest and youngest, neither of whom had appeared
I’ll in any way   ...

Recently when exhaustion feels stretched
Too far, overlong my mental strengths, acquired
And absorbed throughout my lifetime, flag at
Half mast so frequently as if to warn me to
Grow ever more consciously aware of
My processor slipping from light-hearted
Positively focused attitudes into the darkly defensive
Despairing (self despising) side of my mind where
Latent fears, concerning my lack of self worth remain
Secreted from my conscious mind, thus residing behind
My wall of denial until my tired think tank’s
Wide variety of deeply absorbed tools and skills
Become so wearied as to feel ever more vulnerable to
Succumbing to my persona’s collapse, freeing spikes of
Latent anxiety, preprogrammed to arouse
My basic instincts to usurp control over my mind’s eye
So if mental exhaustion is ignored for too long then
It’s highly likely that anxiety will heighten so as to
Overwhelm my positively focused bright side to such
An overwhelming degree as to narrow my
Overtaxed processor’s choices to exclude
Anything other than fight, flee or freeze once my need for
Rest conflicts with a loved one’s need of my help
And if inner conflict continues to heighten then spiking anxiety
Leaps over common sense as reflected by my history, which
Time and again—sees exhaustion disempowering
My processor’s connection to mental clarity concerning today’s
Realities, and as family fights had terrified my sense of
Personal safety into submission to the strong will of
Others, we can see why I’ve been known to choose
‘Flee from conflict, followed by freezing into a safe
Peacefu place’, far more often than fighting to regain
My Devine right to freely and yet, respectfully
Express my personal needs, openly and assertively
Whenever family expresses need of my help


Thanks to EMDR therapy, I’ve come to see that the origin of
My less than assertive decision-making process has been
Based in my having unconsciously subdued
The natural development of the self assertive portion of
My voice at the age of three at which time fights for
Dominance between my mother and gramma
Terrified me—half to death, repeatedly ...
And so, upon growing up, my defense system
Invented A Fixer to fix conflicts that were not mine so
As to blind me to how passively acquiescent
I’d become whenever more of my energy was
Needed by a loved one than I’d had left to give
(Once again, the multi-functioning nature of
The human brain’s highly complex defense system
Works in uniquely, yet classically mysterious ways)

Several weeks back, upon envisioning my Fixer
Leaping out of the stew pot (within my head) into
The hot tub at the resort in the coast, I wondered if
That vision was wishful thinking or my power of
Intuition encouraging the decisive nature of
M think tank to consciously choose to develop
A new course of action that would serve to
Calm the divisive state of surging emotional
Reactiveness that had habitually
Stimulated striking anxiety to spike so high as to
Hurl my mental connection to clarity over
The cliff where, once again, PTSD awaited within
A gorge to swallow my personal connection to
Emotional safety whole until the restoration of
My think tank’s rested, re-oxygenated energy felt
Able to consciously redirect my anxious state of
Mind to feel so quiet as to regain and retaiN
A rebalanced, realistic self-steadying view of
Whatever is definitely NOT within my realm of
Control to change for the better on my own ...

For the sake of clarity, let’s dismiss
Wishful thinking and go with
Intuitive self respectful encouragement since
Positive focus enables my brain, which (for
Months, had been spinning off its axis like
A top), had need to to cocoon within
A safe place so as to minimize outside
Stimulation in hopes of naturally slowing
My brain’s pace in solitude where disorder
Made sound use of desperately needed
Down time to refocus my smarts toward
Reclaiming a positive attitude that served to
Tame latent anxiety from continuing to
Run away with my think tank, which had
Been in dire need of relaxing for
Several months before I could reroute my
Fixer to convince my conflicted Decision maker
To consciously speak to my family about
My need to make lasting changes that will
Lead me toward wholly maintaining
Peace of mind whenever their
Needs conflict with my own  ...
You see—here is the most challenging
Insight concerning changing the direction of
A brain that’s unknowingly harbored
PTSD beginning at the vulnerable age of three —
The emergence of each episode, which
Overwhelms my thought processor’s smarts before
My think tank’s intelligence can hit the brakes
Takes place in direct relation to my depletion of
Energy running on fumes ... and each time
I’ve had to consciously become aware of my mind
Being sucked into my think tank’s self destructive
Wind tunnel (where inevitably, my self worth
Spirals, round and round, within yesteryear’s
Black hole at such a head spinning speed as
To have dizzied my brain’s connection to
Intelligence as if this current tornado spinning
Ever more furiously within my mind’s eye is
Much more than daunting—it’s as Terrifying
As leaving a three year old all alone within
The darkened shadows of a haunted house
Where Terrorizing ghosts fly around, shrieking 
As though to raise the dead—until
My well practiced power of intuition arises just
Enough to sense a glimmer of insight concerning
This fact, which my sixth sense then whispers into
My ear—history repeats itself, and once
You calm spiking anxiety down, it’s been
Your history to figure out yet another
Self conceived,  false impression of
Your lack of self worth, which scared you
Half to death when at the age of three, you’d
Felt powerless to stop your gramma from
Bullying her’child’ into submission by insulting
Your mother’s self worth until your mommy
Felt so brow beaten down as to take to her bed ...
And so when you can not meet your
Loved ones needs, you bully yourself until
Every last drop of your fixer’s energy
Experiences total collapse before your
Spirit can clearly see the cliff, yet again, dead ahead

So—once your brain is quiet, your think tank
Catches sight of clarity’s need to
Identify exhaustion as the first trigger that
Knocks out your processor’s connection to
Today’s reality concerning your intelligence
Having need to rise above your will’s
Stubborn streak to push past exhaustion until
Your smart heart is once again overwhelmed by
An attack of PTSD based in freeing your Fixer to
Say yes when inner conflict knows that your
Current depletion of energy longs to say NO!,p
Thus freeing your self respecting voice to state
With clarity intact, I can no longer do much
That l’d naturally enjoyed at a younger time in
My life without feeling as worthless as had felt true at
The age of three, when aid felt powerless to heal
My loved ones from pain too great to bear—
And so, today’s intuitive train of thought sees me
Choosing to make a significantly, self aware
Change for the better in that, as the future unfolds
I’ll not say yes to loved ones for fear that
Upon respectfully saying no, clarity, concerning
The on-going nature of my aging-process
Will not see me feeling so worthless
As to subconsciously stimulate
The negatively focused attitude that
Had belittled my self worth during
Childhood when I’d declared myself
Unworthy of receiving love unless I was
Actively engaged in successfully
Meeting my loved ones’  unmet needs ...

Needs, which were not mine to fulfill ...