While cocooning on the coast
Here's what I wrote but did not
Publish till, today—
I wish I could ask the caterpillar
How it feels while cocooned for
This reason—up until just now
I’ve always assumed the little critter feels
Safe as long as its vulnerability remains
Unexposed, but what if it’s actually
Shaking in its boots, hammering away at
Its confines, having no conscious clue as to
What in tarnation will become of it once
This super messy stage of
Metamorphosis is complete
Today, I asked my processor:
Why, during each episode of PTSD, does
The mere thought of exposing my vulnerabilities to
Anyone feel so dangerous to me as to stimulate
Latent anxiety to spike, most especially since
I’ve worked courageously to consciously
Transform each episode of PTSD into PLTG
(Pain Leading To Gain)
Thanks to intuition, insight spotlighted
This reason, which makes sense:
During my childhood
I was taught to believe that
Feeling and exposing certain emotional vulnerabilities is
Such a shameful weakness as to arouse
My defense system to mask this emotional
Reaction or that one behind my persona, which
Under adult tutelage, had developed so
Unconsciously as to fool one and all into
Believing that all was well within me when
All was most certainly not—
And since, over time, my persona’s
Smiling reputation became highly acclaimed, near and far
Everyone had sound reason to mistakenly believe that
The persona they saw when looking at me was
The real me, through and through, and as
Everyone included myself, my preprogrammed
Defense system, knowing me to be an over achiever, called
Upon denial to build a wall inside my head behind which
Human vulnerabilities, which we’re taught to despise were
Secretly stacked, most especially any vulnerability that
Might expose the depths of my emotional distress, which
Remained intensely repressed behind my self protective
Persona for many a year—
And in addition to hiding the depths of
My own emotional distress, over this or that, from myself
My defensive wall of denial blocked
My conscious awareness from
Recalling certain details of memories by pushing
Those details, which had proved most painful of all, into
Storage containers that were stuffed ever more deeply into
The subconscious portion of my brain until
One current event or another served as a trigger for
This container or that one to fly open without warning, freeing
A deeply repressed unprocessed emotional reaction to
Filter through my wall of denial, flooding my lost sense of
Personal safety with such a spontaneous overproduction of
Adrenaline that no insight concerning which
Deeply secreted, specific detail repressed from
Conscious memory during childhood could be released, freeing
My adult think tank to process the original emotional reaction, which
Had felt so unbearable as to have stimulated my defense system to
Bury that detail as well as my natural reaction behind
My defensive wall of denial alive, where both detail and reaction
Remained alive though repressed until some portion of ‘today’s’
Current event serves as a trigger that jiggers
The spring lock on my repressed, unprocessed reaction to
Unlatch, thus empowering a latent (unidentified)
Petrifying fear to escape captivity in its wildly
Alarming, still raw and thus overwhelmingly traumatized
Deeply painful state that overpowers my adult
Thought processor so swiftly as to suck myself back across
The time line of y life where today’s lightening quick shocking
Emotional reaction to yesteryear’s unprocessed terror
Lands my adult processor upon one of yesteryear’s still buried
Land mines, which proves so emotionally explosive as to
Feel as though my think tank’s wealth of
Acquired, deeply absorbed mental tools (having been
Blown to smithereens) are so shattered as to be gone
Causing my self worth to flood with anxiety, spiking
Every bit as high as had been true during
The totally devastating personal shattering of
My entire world when I was three ... and each time
Another traumatizing episode of PTSD is triggered to suck
My processor back into another aspect of
The unprocessed nature of the original, deeply
Harrowing, mind blowing experience (which had
Lasted for more than a year), my adult conscious
Awareness loses sight of every mental tool
(Inner strength) that I’ve sought to acquire, absorb
And store in an organized fashion within
My brain’s neo cortex, because each quick release of
Yesteryear’s trauma autonomically stimulates my brain’s
Instinctive survival emergency system (limbic system) to
Power up, disconnecting my neocortex, where knowledge is
Absorbed and stored, from thinking so as to free up only
Three choices of survival==flight, flight or freeze in place until
‘The danger’ kills me or I survive—and over my think tank’s
Adult life (no matter my current age) each sneak attack of
PTSD, stimulates my processor to feel as powerless to
Comprehend whatever has severed my smart heart from
Clarity concerning today’s reality, leaving
My nervous system openly vulnerable to
Falling through that trapdoor where yesteryear’s unprocessed
Trauma awaits in its buried alive, unidentified, raw and
Thus unhealed state of oxygen-deprived being where
Spiking strikes of latent anxiety leap out from behind
My defense system’s wall of denial, repeatedly—exactly as
Had happened when, at the age of three, my wholly terrified
Undeveloped processor's survival instinct saw me
Diving beneath a side table, where I'd curled up
Into a tensely tight little ball, again and again, until
Vein-popping fights, yelling for dominance concerning who
Was ‘always right and who was always wrong’
(each fight scaring my undeveloped processor half
Death) ensued between my strong willed
Maternal grandmother and
My mother, who was bullied into
Submission, repeatedly, being that every battle ended with
My gramma’s daughter fleeing for her bedroom, where
She’d take refuge from a lifetime of bullying by
Throwing her crying self across the bed, freeing
Her mother’s authoritarian attitude to continue to
Usurp the role of mistress of my mother’s and father’s
Home with such tongue lashing consistency that
Anything arousing those unprocessed memories
Makes adult me shiver as though yesteryear’s
Repressed tension still has need to release, today
Thank goodness, the ‘intuitive portion’ of
My brain came 'to see' the errors inherent within
My upbringing in time to raise my trio of sons to
Accept both sides of their emotional spectrum as
Naturally as does any small child, who grows to
adulthood without having been bullied and
Shamed at home into hiding natural emotional
Reactiveness from everyone, most especially
From is/her conscious self—repressing reactiveness
And consciously controlling reactiveness is
NOT one and the same—
Thank goodness, my power of intuition
Sought to seek to expand my knowledge concerning
Healthy family communications, which
Inspired my processor to absorb the importance of
Parental encouragement necessary to
Inspire the on-going development of
Both roots and wings (based in mutual respect) as
Each of my sons advanced from one stage of
Life toward the next until each had absorbed
The wealth of mental strengths necessary to
Feather his own nest—albeit with help, here and
There, being that no man, woman or child is an island
Since deeply repressed emotional tension
Based in unrelieved frustration conflicts with
Peace of mind, my subconscious absorption of
Unhealthy attitudes concerning
My self worth, during childhood, has been
In need of rewiring, over most of my life, and
Ever since that reality came clear to me by
Way of choosing to participate in wholesome
Sessions of EMDR therapy, I’ve been consciously
Rewiring my think tank in order to more readily
Free my intuitive powers to fire up isight-driven
Trains of thought that continue to expose
One self degrading mindset after
Another (secreted, unknowingly, within
My subconscious) to the conscious portion of
My mind, and thus have you watched my processor
Get sucked into each next triggered undertow of
PTSD until my mind quiets enough to turn the spotlight of
Insight upon a portion of my traumatized processor’s
Anxious need to acknowledge, accept and regain
A consciously fearless sense of self control over the entire
Spectrum of natural emotional reactions, which
Always had been rightfully mine to feel and explore if
I am to continue to experience a growing sense of
Peace of mind concerning my acceptance of those
Emotional reactions that I'd been taught to despise, whether
Those natural reactions be someone else's or mine
And thus have you (and I) been watching
My intuitive powers working to identify and
Uproot negatively focused, self conceived misperceptions
Concerning my own reactions as well as
The natural reactions of others concerning
Mixed messages about their self worth, which (having
Been subconsciously repressed behind their
Personas, which developed during childhood, are
Likely to burst forth, now and again, until
Our processors come face to face with this
Reality concerning both sides of human nature:
We are all mentally challenged (to differing
Degrees) to acknowledge (and then control)
A whole set of emotional reactions, which
Though proving natural to human beings in general
Each of us was taught to deplore and abhor, and now
Having recently begun to work toward rewiring
My Fixer to look in, I can begin to identify myself as
Becoming a peacemaker, who consciously readjusts
My mental focus primarily toward rekindling
My attitude of kindness (tough work, no doubt) whenever
My personal perceptions lean toward narrow minded
Judgments—most especially concerning
My personal shortcomings, and upon consciously
Choosing to switch tracks away from self abrasive
Attacks that belittle my self worth, today, hopefully
Insight driven trains of intuitive thought will continue to
Gift my smart heart with one of the most worthy
Long range personal goals that my intelligent spirit
Could ever hope to work faithfully to achieve, step by
Courageous step, during this fourth quadrant of
My circle of life, suggestive of my processor’s
Growing capacity to morph latent eruptions of
Childhood pain into mental gain in hopes of reducing
The subconscious undertow that has been empowered to
Bully my self respecting self esteem into feeling
So worthless as to bottom out—repeatedly
Horoscope (words of wisdom) whatever—
“You’ll never understand a subject quite so well as
You do when you teach it”
Thank goodness, I’ve taught the effects of self esteem upon
Family friendships for so many years that, over time
I’ve begun to learn to befriend—my whole self—
Shortcomings and all—in a wholesome fashion of thinking
And now, having entered this fourth quadrant of
The circle of life, my conscious decision to
Face up to (and regain control over)
Each newly unrepressed fear (like those which
Have recently boiled over my wall of denial just as
Would a saucepan filled to the brim with boiling stew)
I'll hopefully refocus my processor’s expansive
Capacity to consciously reroute my conscious awareness
Away from feeling shackled to childhood's self critical
Undeserved shame toward soothing my current state of
Mind with the kindness and patience my generosity of
Spirit would offer to a wounded friend on the mend, thus
Freeing my Neo cortex to work faithfully toward achieving
Each next level of this long range goal so that
Over time, I can more quickly regain conscious control over
Subconscious eruptions of emotional swells, which
Stimulate strikes of latent anxiety to spike, thus
Overwhelming my adult processor’s current connection to
Logic, reality and peace of mind, which, I believe, began to
Descend into a place of subconscious fear beginning last
December when 75 candles lit up my cake, and
To my way of thinking (since my mom lived to
Dance at her 100th birthday celebration), I’d officially
Walked over the threshold into my fourth quadrant of
The circle of life, where, unbeknownst to me, at that
Time, my chorus line of naked fears began to clamor for
Attention before my deeply blocked mind’s eye had been
Offered a stew of sound reasons to courageously
Walk through one repressed fear after another until
The dawning of a troop of deeper truths, spotlighting
Each of those fears, began to filter into my conscious mind over
These past several months, each unrepressed fear
Highlighting which portion of my self conceived
Lack of self worth was scaring me half to death as
Had felt true but not been true when I was three
Holy cow! No wonder why I’ve been utterly exhausted!
Thank goodness, my processor’s recent conscious
Reconnection to reality clarifies why today’s
Intuitive return to common sense suggests
My brain’s courageous readiness to have
Subconsciously released and unwrapped each
Long cocooned, traumatized fear from within
Its own secreted spot, one fear at a time until
The recently well rested, expansive state of
My processor’s mental capacity to take leaps of
Faith toward change for the better feels so
Well groomed as to concentrate my energy upon
Restrengthening my think tank’s connection to
Life’s harshest realities as this fourth quadrant of
My circle of life continues to unfold ever more
Courageously (because courage must be mustered
Before subconscious fears are openly exposed to
The conscious portion of our minds) than had been
Possible during each of the three stages, which
I’d been fated to experience before
My late diagnosis of PTSD had been astutely and
Thus deeply explored, and now, in order to end
Today's insight driven, intuitive
Train of thought on an up note, here is
My consciously chosen attitude, concerning confronting
Subconscious fears—Better late than never!
And with that positively focused insight clearly stated
I'm off to the airport to pick up David, whose
Screen writing career has been moving steadily forward
Though at a caterpillar's rate, suggesting
My youngest son's need to call forth
His inner strengths, repeatedly, year after year—thank
Goodness, his intelligence has developed the courage and
Self respect to have developed an ever deepening connection to
Faith in his processor’s uniquely creative talents, which, having
Partnered up with his generosity of spirit’s personal charisma
(So as to enthusiastically 'sell' his pilot via Viola Davis’s
Production company, which having chosen to be his producer, is
Currently packaging David’s product to entice a network to
Sign on, and thus does common sense suggest that
The strength of David's belief in his worth spotlights
The probability of his professional future being bright
As for now, Steven and Ravi plan to join Will, David and myself for
Dinner, tonight, with a sleep over to look forward to with Ravi on
Friday night followed by a playdate with our four year old sweetheart
On Saturday, and on Sunday, Will, along with two of our three sons and
Yours truly will be eager to enjoy this season’s first home game within
Our NFL football stadium before David flies back to the coast on
Monday in pursuit of continuing to shoot for
The moon in hopes of landing upon a star of his own making by
Way of working toward creating a reality of his lifelong
Professional dream—So if you hear very little from
My recently revitalized spirit, over this busy, elongated
Family weekend, devoted to fun, fun, fun, you’ve just received
A happily engaged heads up as to what my recently well rested
Mind is planning to fully enjoy with loved ones, directly ahead ...
Whew! This is one time traveler, whose appreciation for
Living life to the fullest (by working toward remaining
Ever more consciously present) knows no bounds as
Long as my sense of fun steps on no one
Else’s sorely exposed toes! And now, upon
My think tank’s most recent return from
Releasing unprocessed emotional pain which had been
Hauntingly, dauntingly repressed for far too long —
You can trust me when clarity states that freeing
My processor from one mixed messaged after
Another, secreted within the dark side of my mind, is
Worth every moment of peace of mind, concerning
The mental and spiritual restoration of
My actual self worth, which is currently mine when
I go to sleep as well as when and I awake until
Another current event triggers the next eruption of
PTSD—or not—as the reality of life’s eternal mysteries
Continually spin round and round, providing
Our processors with sound reasons to
Wonder what unexpected surprises may be in store for
Each of us, next, just as one century leads toward
The next, mystifying each of us, collectively
Indefinitely, no matter how successful
Our think tanks’ expansive capacity for
Successfully identifying and resolving longstanding
Inner conflicts prove to be, because both sides of
Human nature perennially exist, side by side within
One and all, and no matter how much changes, over
Time, that timeless reality, my friends, remains
A matter of fact—I mean—seriously—look at
The smarmy bully who’s openly transforming
The USA into a third world country by terrifying
So many of our brethren while his Midas touch
Lashes the personal safety of countless
Families upon pyres made of trump’s total lack of soul
Please God, if you exist, direct our populous to vote
To over throw this heartless dictator-in-the-making into
The garbage disposal along with the rest of the
Stagnating swamp, so we, who, choose to work
Conscientiously toward creating a heightened
Awareness concerning our world-wide communitiy’s
Universal need to develop attitudinal changes for
The better in home after home, so that tomorrow’s
Children are raised by adult role models, who have
Reason to sleep so profoundly soundly at night as
Not to develop headaches from grinding
Our teeth, which solves nary a problem that
Over time, overwhelms peace of mind ...
PS
My attachment to universal compassion denies
Adult bullies entry into my personal kingdom
Where the safety of peace-loving, kindred
(Compassionate) spirits is a top priority offered by
This heart of mine, which has never been able to
Tolerate cruelty, as stories shall tell ...
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