BOOK ONE—END FIRST KISS PART 14: FRIENDSHIP, MISPERCEPTIONS, BETRAYAL AND BOULDERS (113)

The answer to the riddle (awaiting
Your serious consideration directly
Below) will be found threaded throughout
Today’s intuitive, insight-laden, stream of
Consciousness so as to offer
Your think tank an ever deepening sense of
Mental complexity that exists within
The subconscious portion of
Every human brain—so let’s straighten
Our thinking caps in readiness to spotlight
The answer to this question—

What is to be gained by considering
A detailed account of
Annie’s and Joseph’s sad story?
(If you are new to my blog, please note
That I refer to myself as Annie and my husband
As Will for reasons which are certain to
Become apparent, down the road)

So, having offered you time to
Straighten your thinking cap—
Here we go—

One glance at this week's stats shows that
The number of South Koreans who are choosing to
Consider the validity of my trains of thought continues to
Increase, offering my processor sound reason to extend
A warm welcome to those of you who feel inspired to
Conjoin your hopes and dreams with mine concerning
Universal need to improve our relationships with
Regard to every aspect of life, as person by
Person (throughout our wide, wide world)
We each gain insight into acknowledging
Personal need to absorb a host of
Communication skills, which being
Mutually beneficial, will serve to expand
Narrow mindsets toward communal need to
Heighten current levels of patience if we are to
Listen ever more objectively to opinions based in
Experiences that differ from our own, and
Every time one of my trains of thought challenges
Your processor’s intelligence to aspire toward climbing up
Yet another rung on the ladder of emotional maturity, which
Knows no end, you and I may find our think tanks
Engaging in debates so calmly, respectfully, compassionately
And proactively as would a pair of teammates, both of whom
Have been coached to focus their strengths upon
Working together to change life on our planet for
The better, little by little, here, there, everywhere until
We’ve worked to create a circle of love in which
The on-going well being of each
Individual is so highly valued as to be
Naturally (rather than begrudgingly) considered
By one and all—Bottom line—
Divided we fail each other as well as ourselves—
United we come together in hopes of achieving
An inter-related set of realistic, long range goals

If today’s intuitive train of thought
Seems way too idealistic, let’s
Remember fifty years back when
A well educated group of highly intelligent
Individuals, who had dedicated their lives toward
Working together ever more productively by
Choosing to place their differences as well as
Their egocentric needs aside so as to assemble
Their mental strengths into a deeply united
Cohesive whole while shooting for the moon until
The blessed day dawned when their
Combined experiments had led each one to
Rejoice with one another based in
Their communal awareness of
Having succeeded in actually landing
A spacecraft on the bullseye where a team of
Courageous, well trained astronauts, who had
Chosen to take a humongous leap of faith for
The betterment of humankind as a whole had
Amazed every person on our planet-twice—
Firstly, when they landed on the moon and secondly
When we, holding our breathe, had
Sound cause to exhale with a communal
Sense of incredible jubilance upon witnessing
The splash down of these deeply adventurous, brave
Souls, whose safe and sound return to planet earth
Left every think tank all around the globe feeling
So awestruck as to be utterly wordless, so
Thankful were we to have witnessed—eyes
Glued to millions of TVs—the concept of
Teamwork achieving the amazing feat of
Having trained and transported a courageous team of
Human beings to fly through space, land on
The moon and then find themselves transported
Back home, and so, if humankind is known to
House the brilliance to pull off an achievement as
Stellar as that then why doubt the fact that we can meet
Today’s challenge of ‘training’ each young brain in
Your family and mine to aspire to identify (and
Process) the divisive ways that our defense systems
Insult, demean and disrespect each other so as to
Create change for the better (as my stories shall show)
In a family that has been consistently trained to
Absorb universal need to consciously seek to
Deepen each person's understanding of
Classic reasons concerning WHY children grow up feeling
Compelled to unconsciously push loved ones
Away whenever a natural sense of
Heartfelt conflict arises between them, releasing egocentric
Flashes of red hot anger that zing back and forth until
Our collective need to actively brainstorm, together, toward
Strengthening a mutually respectful emotional environment (with
Leadership at the helm, role modeling the importance of
Maintaining a solid connection to logic on both sides) is so
Deeply established in home after home that
Each processor within every brain within
Your family and mine is no longer so defensively reactive as to be
Reduced to  making bad use of our wit to lambast each other until
One person’s need to usurp and establish
The supreme position of egocentric dominance over
Another ‘wins' while the resentful acceptance of
Subservience within another person’s head bows
Down to today's 'winner' until something triggers the on-going
Nature of their dueling attitude to re-emerge, stimulating
Their never ending battle to put on the gloves, enter
The ring, and fight for dominance, yet again
No wonder why love (?) is so exhausting!

Upon choosing to amass a library within
My head concerning humankind’s need to seek and
Absorb the wisdom necessary to
Recognize the most subtle of power struggles heating
Up before egocentric furies blow our planet to smithereens
I chose devour one tome after another while training
My brain (while my husband and children
Slept soundly throughout each night, year after year) in hopes of
Digesting tried-and-true ideology devoted to
Resolving conflicts with loved ones and colleagues by
Way of enhancing my knowledgeable absorption of
Listening and speaking skills until such time as
I came to embrace my need to listen for those times
When my power of intuition is naturally, thus
Proactively whispering words of wisdom (passed down
Through the ages by yesteryear’s sages) into
My ear thus motivating my defensive need to
Protect my personal sense of safety to sit down in
A time out chair before anger, getting the best of
My processor, reacts rashly or feels so threatened as to
Retreat subserviently from conflict rather than
Mustering the courage to consciously calm
My anxiety’s natural uprising of emotional reactivity in time to
Free my processor to peaceably navigate my way through
Each next bout of argumentative reactiveness, which, from time to
Time, bares its teeth in family life once seething frustration, raging
Back and forth throughout each evolving relationship, is in need of
A captain, whose think tank has been consciously trained to
Maintain such a shipshape manner of listening
Before replying in a mutually respectful manner so as to
Stop tidal waves of emotional reactiveness from rocking
Life boats so furiously as to release high pitched emotion to
Recklessly capsize everyone’s personal sense of safety, which
Upon feeling threatened, chooses to jump ship rather than
Rowing to shore, and in order to change that natural reaction to
Distract friendships away from conflict resolution, each member of
Our immediate family was consciously taught to participate in
Family meetings in which a talking stick was passed around
The table while each of us was reminded to seriously, patiently and
Compassionately consider the well being of every individual, thus
Stabilizing the family lifeboat to sail forth as an intelligently
United whole, and my stories will eventually show you
The depths of my processor’s self motivation to
Captain the mother ship, which transported each of
My three sons from their naturally rambunctious, contentious
High spirited childhood toward developing open minded
Attitudes concerning need to collectively embrace the concept of personal
Responsibility for each one's conscious choice of positively
Focused attitudes, words, actions and behaviors, and so—
Whether you see yourself as captaining a row boat, sail boat
Motormouth—whoops—I mean motor boat or ocean going vessel
Every child has need to grow up toward adulthood, setting sights upon
Seeing him/herself as a role modeling leader whose
Heartfelt strengths feel fully committed to working as
Valiantly, compassionately, patiently and tirelessly (?) as is
Humanly possible if we aspire to guide our populous as a whole to
Participate soulfully in guiding our families to aspire
To reach a shoreline where brainstorming toward
Achieving peaceful conflict resolution ensures
Everyone’s right to voice differing opinions once
The steadying nature of the captain’s gift of insight serves
To shine its spotlight upon each person’s dignified need to
Stand in support of each other's self respectful
Emotional intelligence if the motherlode hopes to maintain
A united steadfast position at the helm during
Each next stormy emergence of unmet needs, which are
Bound to erupt until, eventually, emotional defensiveness
Bows to leadership's growing sensitivity to consciously
Inspire each person’s personal connection to positively
Focused attitudes of self respect to conjoin with mutual
Respect, which together, serve to preserve
An awesome sense of familial security, and once
Fate had passed the maternal baton of leadership into
My hand, I shocked my (subconscious) mantra of
‘Personal safety first’ into submission in favor of
Consciously developing a newfound attitude of
Emotional risk taking, which inspired my sense of readiness to
Connect ever more naturally with my power of
Intuition, which, to this very day, continues to
Encourage my smarts to expand the narrow boundaries of
My processor’s scope so as to take courageous leaps of faith beyond
My defense system's fearful, self protective smoke screens, which
Serve to fog up my connection to clarity concerning
Emergent realities that prove too painful to consciously
Acknowledge until I experience sound reason to differentiate between
That which constitutes a truly united state of mutually respectful
Familial closeness, thus exposing my past need to participate in
Relationships, which (rather than providing
One and all with emotional environments that breed
Lasting friendships based in mutual respect) had promoted
Relationships, which proved so flawed as to remain
Deeply enmeshed within the unhealthy emotional environment where
Leadership declared:  ‘You're 100% with me or 100% against me' no
Wiggle room whatsoever for any peaceable discussions once
Negatively focused attitudes of mutiny and betrayal leap
Toward argumentative reactions, which stormily imply
‘It's my way or the open highway for you!'
And not until I'd looked back, thus becoming consciously aware of
Having repressed a serious lack of self worth during
The traumatic aftermath of my baby sister's death at which time
I'd unknowingly swerved away from my natural path of
Early childhood development in favor of safely taking on
The subservient role of 'follower' until fate stepped in when
I was middle aged to offer my processor sound reason to
Open my eyes to need to sweep cobwebs of my persona’s false
Front of pretense out of my sunny view finder in
Favor of clearly (and painfully) retraining
My mind’s eye to refocus my deeply
Confounded, heavily weighted, suddenly downtrodden
Spirit toward acknowledging personal need to make sound use of
My smarts by working toward scaling each level of
My defensive, self protective wall of denial in hopes of
Eventually setting my sights upon a long range goal that
Proves so profound as to remain way beyond our current generation’s
Grasp though a wealth of knowledge concerning this subject (of
Knowing oneself in depth ala Socrates) is presently at hand, and
Over these last forty eight years of my life, nothing
(Inclusive of bouts of mental exhaustion leading my spirit to
Temporarily experience defeat) has detoured
My impassioned attitude from adhering to this belief:
Sometime in the future, a blessed day
Will dawn when information concerning
Skillful communications will be taught in
School after school to millions of children, who
Will be coached by positively focused attitudes to
Aspire to absorb heightened levels of emotional maturity thus
Empowering tomorrow’s leadership as well as
The general populous with personal need to
Work together ever more earnestly toward
Achieving the worthy accomplishment of
Placing a high value upon personal growth spurts focused
Upon the importance of directing each person’s
Current level of emotional intelligence toward
Connecting ever more naturally with intuitive streams of
Insight, which will serve to deepen mankind's
Sense of self awareness as continues to be true of
My quest to painstakingly reassemble
A healthy sense of my need to reconnect
The dots in such a way as to have reassembled
The bigger picture of my life so clearly that
Portions of my self worth, which had been shattered by
Fate before my third birthday, has been restored, suggesting
Why, at this late stage in my life, I freely commit
My smarts to spend hours each day
Penning and sending posts highlighting
My processor's sense of progress concerning
Knowing myself in depth into cyberspace though
The fruit of my labor (concerning inspiring millions of
Adults to muster the courage to ferret out
Subconscious secrets that their defense systems
Repress from the conscious portion of
Their processors) is likely to
Ripen long after I’m gone—suggesting
Why I envision my work as being
A link in the chain made up of those minds that
Have encouraged mine to follow their lead, just as
I hope to see my intuitive trains of thought serving to
Encourage think tanks younger than my own to
Feel inspired to follow my impassioned adventures through
Each stage of my life until my spirit leaves my body so
As to take wing into the great unknown, which
Must exist, because otherwise why does
Each next generation feel compelled to work so
Productively only to die?  I mean, subscribing to
An attitude as gloomy as that just doesn't make sense—right?

As to the primary reason why
My heart remains wholly devoted to
The pursuit of this mission (to consciously peel
Each next layer of my wall of denial away by
Consciously calming strikes of latent anxiety so as to
'Tune in’ ever more naturally to my intuitive powers guiding
My intelligence to remain ever more conscientiously
Abreast of each step that I need to take next if
My adventure through life is to adhere, most often, to
My chosen path, which, being positively focused, sees me
Probing ever more courageously into provoking and thus exposing
Subconscious fears that run so deep within
My psyche as to have blocked my processor from
Clearly and consciously acknowledging
Personal need to identify inner conflicts (repressed during
Childhood concerning my self worth), which have
Challenged my current connection to clarity to
Grow so bold as to envision my processor becoming
Ever more proficient at uncovering fear’s
Foggy-eyed blindness concerning where to
Direct my current level of self awareness to
Openly confront whichever traumatized portions of
My self worth are still in need of insight’s
Emotionally intelligent recalibration, thus brightening
Darkened attitudes that blocked my mind’s eye from
Highlighting my own narrow mind sets, which
Had blinded me from identifying trains of thought in which
I’d unconsciously put myself down for so long that I’d had
No conscious clue of where attitudinal change for
The better would provide my host of
Inner strengths with layers of
Self empowerment, which as this last stage of my lif
Moves forward, will bolster my spirit’s natural vibrancy to
Bounce back repeatedly until I exhale my very last breath—Wow!

Today’s intuitive train of thought  may have
Revealed the most self empowering string of insights
Necessary to ready my whole self to continue to
Pen this memoir, story by story, unhampered by
Subconscious fears running interference with
My sense of clarity by shooting my processor with
Spikes of latent anxiety that tends to fill
My self confident attitude with so much buckshot that
Like Bambi’s mother, I am felled by episodes of
PTSD, no matter how swiftly my processor runs for cover,
And as I feel that It’s way past time for my
Intelligence to overcom the repetitive nature of
PTSD’s darkly spooky mental pattern
This is one sitting duck who has grown
Ever more determined to stop childhood trauma from
Usurping dominance over my smarts by releasing
Latent anxiety, which shatters my connection to
 Clarity before my view finder’s sense of
Today’s reality can stop subconscious
Fear from careening my think tank’s
Strength of spirit ever more deeply into
Yesteryear's black hole (where despite
The fact that I'm currently surrounded by loving
Hearts, which nurture my own) my psyche lapses into
Feeling utterly alone and bereft of seeing
Myself worthy of receiving my family’s
Loving companionship unless I remain capable of
Satisfying everyone’s need of my host of inner strengths
So along with today’s streaming insights, here comes
My plan to create lasting change for the better:
As soon as my spirit feels wearied with problems that
Are not mine to solve as had felt true when
A sad twist of fate had struck down
The natural vibrancy of a small child’s spirit after her
Undeveloped processor felt sound reason to
Drift off course away from my next classic stage of
Early childhood development (when
A youngster’s mind is naturally establishing
Independent trains of thought necessary to
Eventually secure an ever-strengthening sense of
Self worth) based in the fact that a double dose of
Tragic deaths in my family, weeks apart, had been followed by
Vein popping fights, sending my mother’s spirit to
Spiral into the depths of a long lasting depression, which
Had petrified my psyche so completely into
Misconstruing her emotional separation from me as being due to
My unworthiness of her time and attention thus stalling
The emotional development of my thought processor from
Transforming into a truly independent thinker undamaged by
Inner conflicts based in subconscious self doubt, which had
Muddying up my adult processor’s lack of clarity concerning
Differentiating my personal needs from my loved ones’ need of
Me until two years after my father’s death when I was in
My sixties, and all hell broke loose (silently within me), which
Proved beyond my conscious comprehension until
I was astutely diagnosed with PTSD, and ever since then
My intuitive intelligence has been questing (with
The guidance of professional help) toward securing
The self assertive portion of my voice, which had
Choked behind an avalanche of boulders made of
Deeply repressed fears, which continued to pile up once
My worthiness of receiving love felt utterly
Shattered, beginning at the highly vulnerable age of three
And here comes the insight concerning the depths of
My need to pen this memoir and
Send it into cyberspace for posterity:
Though two deeper truths suggest that—
No one’s psyche escapes childhood
Emotionally unscathed, and everyone is replaceable—
I plan to live my life with such a conscientious
Abundance of positively focused generosity of
Spirit as to be uneraseable by remaining on
An emotionally well-balanced track rather than
Experiencing sudden gusts of
Emotional storm clouds, which serve to
Stimulate unexpected uprisings of PTSD, which
Swirl the unhealed (and thus shattered portion of
My psyche) straight down into that same
black hole of hopeless despair, no matter how often
I’ve managed to work my way out of the eye of that
Hurricane, which had been empowered, time and again to
Swallow each painful shard of my shattered self worth
Until recently when I chose to take
A gargantuan, existential leap of faith, which proved
Necessary if my open minded attitudes are to be
Fully embraced concerning the fact that
The needs of vulnerable children, which prove universal in
Nature, must be met by kindhearted souls who also choose
Not to forsake the elderly, who, being graced with
The good fortune of living past our prime, continue to
Grow ever more vulnerable with each additional candle that
Enhances the warm glow of loving tenderness that will hopefully
Adorn each delicious morsel of your
Birthday cake and mine when generous dollops of love are
Digested so naturally as to sweeten every difficulty that
Proves necessary to endure if we are to maintain
The brightness of the human spirit until one second after
Our bodies have left this world for the next as
The eternal flame of love light in our eyes dims without
Completely disappearing as long as the memory of
Our presence on planet earth is highly valued and
Deeply absorbed into the hearts of our loved ones whose
Inner strengths continue to feel fortified by lasting sensations of
True friendship and love, both of which are known to
Embrace a natural sense of forgiveness that cracks through
Self protective shells of bitterness, which erected during
Youth, have need to be softened as naturally as
Some of us choose to pop an M&M into our mouths
And rather than chewing it up, we consciously savor
The delicious sensation of chocolate sweetness for
As long as possible, just as forgiveness of human
Imperfection does not offer vindictiveness
Reason to steal space meant to savor the sweet taste of
Loving kindness inside your heart or mine, today ... and
Now that you and I have taken this leap from
Sixth grade to present tense, let’s cruise
Gracefully back across the time line to witness
What’s about to happen once Annie, whose spirit had last been
Seen slumping against the cloakroom wall, has had time to
Catch her breathe so as to recoup enough energy to
Stand up straight while squaring her shoulders to
Walk through a storm with her head held high thus
Insuring tha the defense system of
This damsel in distress takes the lead so
That no one can see how painfully her aching heart has
Need to ready itself to secret its limp as she makes her way
Into the classroom where she’ll be sure to
Avert her eyes away from any chance head-on
Collision with Joseph’s steely glare, which Annie's
Twelve year old, deeply confounded processor
Has no clue is serving to shield the depths of
Her former best friend's pain, which
As you shall soon see matches the depths of Annie’s
Wholly confused, heartfelt sadness, which
Remains hidden behind this strong (yet vulnerable)
Inexperienced young male’s emotional wall of denial ...

BOOK ONE—END FIRST KISS PART 13 BACK IN THE SIXTH GRADE CLOAK ROOM ...

If you have recently begun to follow my blog, may I respectfully suggest that you scroll back through my posts until the inception of this story, titled FIRST KISS Part 1 appears on your screen, so that while reading forward, you can clearly understand the negatively focused domino effect that evolved in the aftermath of the disastrous, impassioned first kiss that an inexperienced twelve year old boy had planted roughly upon the terrified lips of a young girl, leaving both psyches to crash land upon an unexplored planet where a pair of dizzied think tanks had no conscious clue of what had just happened between them that had transformed their friendship into something that had felt so utterly foreign to both as to have stimulated their defense systems to sense a near and present danger arising as if a barrier had divided a very shocked pair of kids into separate camps after the girl child's fists felt compelled to beat ‘her attacker’ all around his head, because, during that mind blowing moment when a man-child had grabbed her vulnerable body against the strength of his own, the intelligent brain of this budding young woman had not yet gained so much as a hint of aclue as to the fact that behind her thought processor’s many layered wall of denial, her psyche had had need to develop and employ the defense mechanism of self protective amnesia, which consistently shielded the conscious portion of her mind from recalling so much as an inkling of awareness of having been roughly manhandled by a pedophile who, having won her trust, had sexually abused her body, repeatedly, and so, during the immediate aftermath of Annie and Joseph’s first kiss, two kids are seen standing apart, both feeling completely in the dark concerning the real reason as to why their first preteen impassioned entanglement with the opposite sex had subconsciously fired up a self protective reaction from deep within Annie’s traumatized psyche, which, in turn, conspired to ignite Joseph’s combustible subconscious reaction to burst into flames of humiliation, leaving this pair of innocents with no conscious awareness of early child experiences, which Mother Nature had thought best to repress, suggesting why a heightened sense of emotional reactiveness on the parts of a very sweet girl and a really nice guy (no parachutes in sight) spiked sky high before crashing back down through their own walls of denial, after both had released latent bolts of anxiety, which had struck each other to the quick as if lightening, flashing back and forth between them, had served to erect a negatively focused force field so electrically self empowered as to have transformed that which could have been the tenderness of young love’s first kiss in the Garden of Eden into an out of control, combustible disaster so deeply searing to both psyches as to eventually scar both hearts in such personally devastating ways that sound reasons for both children to mask the depths of their sadness, each in his/her own way, shall soon appear on our screens.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, sooo—here stands Annie, the morning after her first kiss, quietly attempting to regain her balance on this foreign planet, right next to Joseph, whose mind, feeling as deeply confused as is true of mine, is most likely engaged in trying to pull off the same oxygen-deprived, emotional balancing 'act' as am I while, we busy ourselves with stuffing mittens into pockets, shmushing hats and scarves into our sleeves before hanging our parkas on hooks, which happen to be side by side—and though I’m feeling prickly all over, because, last night in the alley, I'd done such a stupid (mind blowing) thing—my nerves are mollified by the intuitive (not to be confused with conscious) thought that—Joseph is my best friend, and I'm still Annie, his best friend, so as soon as I smile naturally and thus warmly welcome his presence with a shy hi, his ire will melt down, releasing his heartfelt smile to welcome back my friendship, and all will be well—just like when tempers flare into tempests and then cool down, time and again, in my family, because—love conquers all—right?

Need I say that this unconscious assumption is based in my personal experience as well as in my negligible understanding of both sides of human nature, leaving me utterly flabbergasted when the warmth of my friendly greeting receives—no—good natured reply.  In fact, while silently staring me down from his tightly tensed full height, I see the natural sparkle that Joseph's blue eyes had always offered so naturally to me die a cold death as if he can't fathom any reason as to why I'd assume that any portion of his heart might find any reason whatsoever to soften enough to crack even a smidgen of a smile back at mine, and then, right before my best friend spins on his heels, literally turning his back on the trembling smile that has just fallen flat on my face, let's pay close attention so as to see what’s in store for this pair of star crossed children, next, based in the fact that as each unexpected turn of events continues to play itself out, my fearful attitude will smell smoke, as in:  Where there's smoke there's bound to be fire, because for a fraction of a second, before Joseph’s eyes aim and let fly a furious quiver of fiery arrows straight into mine, an instinctive reaction on my part jogs the momentary flash of a subconscious memory to shoot out from behind the opaque nature of my wall of denial as a darkly cloudy vision of two small fists flailing around, failing to fight off a bear hug that had overwhelmed my sense of personal safety immediately preceding the moment when the sloppy kiss of a dark haired assailant (whose menacing presence will appear in repetitive nightmares throughout each stage of my life) rose up between Joseph and me as if the same huge, hulking, darkly furred, red eyed gorilla, which had lunged, repeatedly, at my sleeping form in my bed, had, for a split second, been empowered to reawaken the raw sense of subconscious terror that would chase my psyche into dreamscapes where my sleeping self would 'dash' out of my bedroom, through the hall, past the closed door to my parents' bedroom and over the threshold of our apartment's front door, down three flights of steps and out into a starless, scary night, no moon in sight, while I, fast asleep, felt my mouth open wide to scream for help but nothing but silence was heard, because the self assertive portion of my voice, which had failed to develop after Janice's death, remained deeply traumatized ever since my natural path of emotional development had sharply detoured toward becoming a pleaser extraordinaire whenever any authority figure felt reason to lash my self worth with a whip of words so powerful as to hypnotize the subservient portion of my brain to do exactly as I was told, no questions asked, no back talk, at all, so as to push my unconscious fear of emotional abandonment as far back under layers of subconscious repression behind my defense system's wall of denial—and though everything written above flashed out of and back into my subconscious too quickly for the conscious portion of my twelve year old mind to identify the true source of my fear, I could not deny the burning reality of sparks that conjoined my fear to collide head-on with Joseph's fury igniting a maelstrom of violent zinging sensations, back and forth, between he and me, which having electrified the air between us, again, saw Joseph's brow lowering and his eyes narrowing as if taking aim, so that I, feeling utterly unnerved, stiffen up, readying my heart to be targeted as a bull’s eye so clearly was his heart gearing up to shoot mine through and through with the next batch of sharply pointed, deeply painful arrows, poisoned by a young ego, which had felt as painfully shot down by my fists as would any vulnerable boy, who, perhaps, had been subjected to brow beatings by an adult who, though loving him, had, after bruising his self worth, offered nothing more than the silent treatment, unlike my family, whose hearts had naturally reunited once egocentric darts, poisoned with fury, were left to melt down quietly as if we'd all absorbed this unconscious attitude—AND THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS ...

As instinct 'knows' which of two warring bodies has silently won the high road, the taut body of this tall, blond boy, looms over me so menacingly that I flinch to see his cheeks tensing as though teeth are clenching behind lips, pursed as though ready to snarl, and sensing my self confidence shriveling up into nothing, I'm subconsciously swept back in time by the certainty that, before my very eyes, my best friend, Joseph is about to dump worthless me into the trash upon morphing into that bully, who had tortured my self image, repeatedly, each time I'd climbed into THAT VAN FROM HELL WHERE MY SELF CONFIDENCE WITH BOYS HAD FELT EVERY BIT AS DEVOURED AS WAS PIGGY IN LORD OF THE FLIES ...

The fact that at twelve, I'd not remembered such a quivering mass of molten male fury bumping up against my being so swiftly as to have scalded my nose with confusion so searing as to render my brain incapable of sniffing out when it was in my best interests to arouse my instincts to raise a shield around my heart against the fact that my friendship with Joseph is suddenly struggling between life and death.

So scared am I of whatever this Tom cat is bound to spew out, next, that my nerves are all a quiver and my heart pounds away as fast as a hummingbird's wings until Joseph offers me something that I'd never been given by anyone, in my entire life.

With a sudden upswing of his arm, Joseph's hand tightens into a fist and before my terrified eyes, my heart is slugged for the very first time with:

"The Finger"

After which, my former best friend spins on his heel, leaving me breathless, slumped against the wall ...

Uh—in case you're thinking 'no biggie'—at least he didn't punch you, how often do you consciously remind yourself that Mother Nature hard wired our brains to leap to spontaneous judgments without asking questions of ourselves, first?

Questions like why did I beat my best friend all about his head?  Why did my cloakroom encounter with Joseph leave me slumped against the wall, heart pounding with subconscious fear of deeming myself worth—nothing?

If it wasn't 'the finger' that made me feel as though a boulder, meant to shatter my heart had lodged inside my throat, cutting off my oxygen supply, then which long repressed, traumatized feeling had actually arisen from within the depths of subconscious storage that had felt every bit as terrifying as whatever had compelled my defense system to beat off Joseph's kiss, last night?

When any portion of
A current situation
Feels similar to
A terrifying childhood experience
(Buried alive in a deeply repressed
State of being behind your defense
System's wall of denial [or mine])
A traumatized reaction releases
Latent anxiety to spike so
Spontaneously as to arouse
Your startle reflex (or mine) to
Alert the brain's basic survival instincts
To knock out every thought other
Than fight, flee, or freeze in hopes of
Saving your life from
A near and present (?) danger closing in

Survival instincts are
Like burglar alarms
Blaring silently inside our heads
And while alarms of danger are
Clanging away
Loved ones, who mean us no
Harm what-so-ever
Can seem to transform into
Stranger Danger in a flash ...
On both sides ...

And as that's the honest truth—
What must have Annie seen in
Joseph's eyes just before
‘The finger’ flashed out to shoot
Her heart dead, after which
Her best friend in the whole wide world
Spun furiously on his heel 'abandoning'
A twelve year old girl to pull herself
Together after her dizzied brain had
Unconsciously spiraled back across
The time line of her life, where
Her self worth was seen crash landing
Inside that van, where Annie had been
Subjected to shrinking into a roasted
Version of a pig turning round and
Round on a spit, basted, repeatedly
By the laughter of a mean-minded
Gang of bullying guys, who having
Surrounded her, had repeatedly
Turned up the flames of
Deeply penetrating humiliation, which
Had haunted her nightmares of being
Stalked by that gorilla, which had
Taken pleasure licking away at
The raw, oozing wounds of her pride
(leaving my adult intuition to ask—
What woman had that gorilla hated
So much as to stalk and
Crush the self image of innocent
Little girls, like me, whose eczema
Literally bled profusely down my arms
Night after night, when I'd awaken
Crying aloud in a tortured state of
Anguish that had offered
No conscious clue as to what
Dark secret had lurked so deeply within
My psyche as to have made me itch so
Profoundly to get out from under my skin ...

LET’S CHECK OUT END FIRST KISS Part 12 BEFORE PUBLISHING Part 13

BOOK ONE—END FIRST KISS Part 12: NO WAY, JOSE!
(Published several weeks ago)

No doubt about it—clarity demands that
Today’s stream of consciousness is
In need of lots of work!  So if
You choose to take a go at this train of
Thought before my mind’s eye finds
Time to reorganize
The mental complexities, which had
Naturally tumbled out of the inner depths of
My brain in such an unorganized fashion as
To imply that a host of overstuffed
Subconscious pockets had
Flown open, simultaneously, then
Knowing myself to be respectful of
The part that clarity plays in
Maintaining peace of mind so that
The absorption of information is not
Hampered by a rising sense of frustration
Suggests why I’ve chosen to caution
You to consider whether you want to
Tackle the complex nature of
Thoughts penned, below, right now or
Sometime later once complexity has been
Duly simplified, and with that  leaflet stated ...

Might
Life be easy, breezy if
Unearthing Boogie Men buried alive
Deep inside our minds proved
Less challenging once
We feel intuitive need to
Pull them back out and
Confront them, eye to eye?

No way Jose!
Because
When it comes to
Life or love
If it's not one conflict
Driving us crazy
It’s another
And that's The TRUTH!

“Every player must accept the cards
Life deals him or her, but
Once they are in hand
He or she alone must decide
How to play the cards in
Order to win the game.”
     —Voltaire, 1694-1778

And that’s most especially true when
The game at hand is How Best to
Resolve Conflicts That Prove
Subconscious In Nature

BTW in case you wondered why
Part 10B skipped straight to Part 12
The answer to that riddle lies in this fact:
Back in August, when this post was written
I’d mistakenly believed that Part 11 had been
Deleted until recently when it mysteriously
Reappeared in drafts suggesting that
(In addition to intuitive need to extricate
Boogie Men, who’d remained buried alive within
My subconscious ever since childhood)
My intelligence faces conscious need, from
Time to time, to calm down the frustrations of
My inner warrior, whose fury tends toward
Turning inward against myself whenever
Any of my human vulnerabilities emerge so
Clearly as to offer my internal perfectionist reason to
Chastise myself much too harshly for having committed
Mistakes of my own making based in having
Unwittingly exposed personal insecurities (which
Had, over most of my life, remained blocked from
My conscious awareness and public consumption) behind
My defense system’s wall of denial
And last but not least my intelligence works
Overtime so as to cool down subconscious furies, which
Are stimulated to e-ignite whenever a current event feels so
Audaciously atrocious as to haunt my
Conscious connection to peace of mind with
Flooding anxiety based in my personal sense of
Urgency concerning the depths of my heartfelt need to
Inspire like-minds to unite, ASAP, in hopes of
Creating change for the better throughout
Our societal domaine by disempowering
Any cold hearted BULLY who chokes
The life force out of every intelligent spirit that
Musters the courage to stand up and openly confront
Our need to expose the ongoing nature of
Leadership’s narcissistic egocentricities, and
Thus, with today’s line up of relentless
Frustrations rising clearly before us, I believe
You’ll agree that the unresolved nature of
Each of the mental conundrums, listed
Directly below, will serve to drive
Any sane person with a smart, compassionate heart
And conscientious soul close to crazy—

First, let’s reconsider innocent children in cages, who
Being too young to rail valiantly against
Hard wired governmental injustice,c is  make their
Desperation known by wailing—
Where’s my mommy! to no avail as
The defense systems of guards close
Their eyes, ears and hearts to the fact that
They, who silently follow trump’s devilish
Orders, are soullessly causing lasting harm to
The psyches of little ones, who will have
Been given sound reason to hate ...
And what of innocent children shot to death in
Our schools where the very idea of arming
Underpaid teachers with guns sets off
Alarms inside my head concerning a nation of
Adults think tanks fueled by fear rather than collectively
Brainstorming together to mindfully embrace the necessity of
Participating in solution-seeking sessions of problem-
Solving in which logical thought processes are employed
The very idea of Congress voting down gun laws meant to
Minimize the rat-a-tat of powerful weapons all too
Easily placed in the deranged hands of psychopaths wiping out
Innocent lives in our schools, theaters, shopping
Centers, amphitheaters, peaceful neighborhoods clarifies
The fact that our populous worries about
Terrorist attacks from afar far more often than of
Our pressing need to consciously acknowledge that
We have become a nation so divided as to be at
War with ourselves, and a nation divided, whose leadership
Remains blind and deaf to dire need for legislative change is
Bound to flail around ever more swiftly toward failure until
Its final collapse sees us falling flat on our faces, because
At every stage o life, people need to balance freedom with
Limits, which brings us to need to reconsider
Run-away greed born of runaway capitalism heartlessly
Klling off small businesses at will while we wring our hands
Worrying over building walls against drug lords when
Wealthy drug companies remain free to bleed
Our bank accounts dry while our eyes remain closed to how
Complacency continues to empower tobacco lobbyists to
Influence far more adults to kill themselves, slowly, than
Is true of foreign terrorists, brainwashing impoverished
young men, women and children to turn themselves into
Bombs that blow the innocent away while any kind of
Gun control at all is denied by legislators beholden to
The NRA; and when it comes to pass that serious illness
Strikes us down so as to need hospitalization
We are seen by a series of hospitalists who (having
Been employed by Big Business's take over of
physicians as well as our over worked
Nursing staff, who find themselves buried under
Paper trails while aides administer to patient needs now that
So many of our hospitals’ under staffed employees are
Poorly paid while richly salaried CEO’s continue to
Feather their nouveau mansions, pricy sports cars
Ocean going yachts and private planes with
Bonuses ranging in many more millions)
How scary is it to know that hospitalists know nothing of
Our medical history except for the little that’s scrawled
Within our charts, which these doctors who know us not
At all must hurriedly glance over during each of their
Eight hour shifts, leaving the bed ridden patient
To wonder which of the three, who'd manned
One shift per day, was responsible for forgetting to
Order the test needed to correctly diagnose
This specific malady over that possibility—as
Proved true when, by nightfall, naught had been done 
To schedule my 95 year old mother for the
MRI, which she had originally been admitted in
The ER to receive, and the nurse, fearing to disturb
The hospitalist at home, refused to make a call until
I’d respectfully mentioned that rather than
Disrupting the evenings of three physicians, that
Number would grow to four, because I’d planned to
Call my husband and ask him to call
The other three, who evidently had
No clue that Mom, who had been admitted by
The ER doc, specifically to undergo an MRI of
Her brain, early in the day, had not been
Scheduled once assigned to a room, at all, and
Being that it was after 9pm, and we were still
Waiting in limbo, something concerning written
Communications amongst so many
Indian braves with no chief in sight had gone
Awry—so, my choice was to spend the night, having
Experienced sound reason to believe that
My 95 year old mother had need of
A personal advocate in her corner to
Assure us both that with this faulty system, in which
Businessmen at the top concentrate closely on
The penny pinching nature of Big Business’s
Decision to pay bottom dollar for medical supplies while
Charging the patient a fortune for everything—
Inclusive of paper tissues—saw me speaking
Respectfully to employees while wanting to wring
 If Business’s greedy little head for taking
Unfair advantage over people who were ill and
Thus even more vulnerable than proves true
Once good health is, hopefully, restored
You see it’s not those employed by Big Brother
Whoops—I mean Big Business that renders
My smarts to steam (but not flood) with fury but rather
Runaway capitalists, whose greed knows
No bounds, and thus has a heightening level of
Frustration when a loved one is in need of
The best physical and emotional care possible
Taught me, more than once, to keep
A sharp eye open while holding back
A sharp tongue whenever over worked, under paid
Hospital staff have made a serious gaff, and
Prove in need of a calm conscientious brain to
Oversee that which our primary internists had once
Held themselves accountable to oversee on
A day to day basis when they’d made rounds during
Their patients’ hospital stays—whereas now, they, too
Rely upon glancing over copies of charts sent to
Them at the patient’s request once
We are well enough to be discharged, and though
My ire concerning a host of subjects could go
On and on as to how Big Business usurps control over
Harming our well being all I’ll go on go to say in
A moderated tone for right now is—Geez!
I’ve not yet mentioned discrepancies concerning  
Our school districts, which are either impoverished or richly
Enhanced—and being a teacher, I’m bound to return
Sometime down the road, to our nation’s viral need for
Change concerning legislating finances for
Our children’s education, across the board, because
My train of thought has just switched tracks toward
Tackling another dilemma in that
We worry more over the safety of professional
Football helmets than over our veterans' shoddily
Constructed protective devices; and no matter how
Often we see movies illustrating the shattered
Lives and psyches of veterans, we have no way of
Fathoming the horrors that eighteen year old
Warriors have witnessed, endured and
Survived concerning the gruesome deaths of
Buddies and comrades in arms, injuries
Sustained that maim as well as unimaginable atrocities
Sighted upon foreign soil that come home with
The physically and emotionally injured men and
Women who arrive home to resume
Family life, suffering from despairing bouts of PTSD—
Many of whom feel so rageful or depressed as
To be diagnosed as mentally disturbed after
Bravely defending our freedoms though I wonder
How many of our wounded warriors are not
Consciously aware of how much of their former
Selves had been left broken on battlefields until
They can barely exist in a hopeless state of homeless
Having hit bottom on the mean streets of
Our cities where eyes of the employed
Dart away from acknowledging our comrades'
Very real need of professional help in all aspects of
Life while Big Business continues to flourish in buildings that
Scrape the sky, where CEO’s receive bonuses of
Millions beyond their salaried millions so that
The billions needed to run our nation in the black are
Funneled directly into the swollen accounts of
The 1%, who find loopholes to dodge taxes while
The take over of big businesses, like Amazon, which
Pays no taxes, continues to rape our middle class of
Financial security just as hospitals remain bereft of funds
Needed to take proper care of veterans as well as
Hospitals raped by the corporate world where
The average Joe (having had need of a major surgery
Watches his mega insurance company rolling in dough) is
Brought to his knees in dire need of help to raise
The not so small fortune of medical expenses that
Must be paid out of pocket, which will
Bankrupt his hard working, two paycheck family
And then there are our farmers, and factory jobs sourced out
Tariffs imposed—dreamers deserving of citizenry—
Need I go on and on about sound reason for  RAGE?
The question at hand is not what must we fix first
The question at hand is when will we come to
Acknowledge the fact that corruption at
Every level of life in The USA has been
Running wild for so long as to have broken
Every aspect of America’s well being, beginning with
The costs of childcare (though child care givers earn
Next to nothing) to the dissolution of family life, where
The unrelenting nature of rising levels of stress, ruining
Life after life, influences heightened numbers of
Divorce, and when stress runs high, generosity of
Spirit (necessary to piece the shattered puzzle of
Life in these United States back together) is run into
The ground along with our relationships, which
Children watch flailing about, and while
Considering relationships in need of repair—
As long as trump's forked tongue
Insults our allies while coveting favor with
Every brutal dictator who emulates
Our current president's not so secret desire to
Hitlerize his rein over the home of the brave and
Land of the free, who must freely vote this viper
Out of office before China owns us lock, stock
And barrel— Need I say that though
The first portion of this train of thought was
Written and published several weeks back
The lengthier portion is clearly being
Penned, today, having watched
The Democratic Presidential Debate, last night
Amazingly, I did not have nightmares based in
Fearing four additional years under
The twittering rule of trump—Why not?
I have faith in my fellow Americans’
Brain capacity to make good use of
Their intelligence, having experienced
Sound reason to consciously acknowledge
The urgency with which each of us is
Accountable for taking an active role in creating
Change for the better throughout the entire
Infrastructure of our nation, and knowing that
Leadership toward change for the better
Starts at the top, we, whether Dem or Rep must lasso
This mangy ‘bull’ by the horns and drag him out of
The Oval Office, kicking, screaming and twittering
(Knowing that he'll dig in his heels and balk at having been
Illegally voted out), suggesting that blue states will
Out number red hats, this time around, by
Choosing to vote for a level headed candidate for
President who was not born with a golfball—I mean
Gold spoon in his mouth and wads of
Daddy’s cash stuffed into his pockets and
The whiplash tongue of a viper that poisons
Deeper truth with bald faced lies spewing venom
Here, there, everywhere—
Every time donald duck opens his mouth to squawk ...

Whew!  Thanks for letting me vent—again!