2019
Pls be forewarned—the complex content of this train of thought needs some work
Rather than detailing where my head has spent these past three weeks
(Half of that time ‘enjoying (?) spring break with in sunny CA with
Our immediate family) I’ll start by copying and pasting
A portion of a published train of thought in preparation of
Showcasing how sadly a flash flood of undiagnosed PTSD had affected
Annie’s and Joseph’s deeply valued friendship, badly, as you shall
See once this couple, in need of being released from their
Flash frozen state on center stage, experience a meltdown of
Heart stopping, emotionally shocking proportions in
The immediate aftermath of their first kiss—ever—leaving
Both preteen think tanks reeling, feeling utterly clueless concerning
The uprising of emotionally defensive, instinctively
Self protective patterns of reactivity that had been utterly
Devoid of so much as a glimmer of insight spotlighting this fact:
Their surface reactions had offered each other no sign that
Their love for one another had been pierced through and
Through with emotional pain, which, having remained
Bottled up inside their hearts, left both feeling so deeply
Confounded as to believe each had been rejected by the other—
Fortunately, over recent years, my processor has developed
An ever deepening sensitivity to intuitive trains of thoughts, which
Penetrate my persona’s false front so as to relieve my honest
Emotional reactions from feeling need to ‘save face’ behind
A stoic mask that suggests ‘everything is fine so please don’t ask
If anything is amiss or I, chancing to glance anxiously back over
My shoulder, may lose my grip of the edge of sanity’s need to
Maintain my false sense of surface emotional composure based in
The fact that I’ve not yet grown aware of how often my persona
Sneaks out and fools no one as much as me suggesting that
My processor has become so steeped in layers of denial as to
Fool me into believing that my false front is actually
ME, through and through, which is why you can see and
Hear my vulnerabilities and faults more clearly than can I —
Thank goodness over recent years, my intuitive powers
Based in depths of self awareness clue the conscious portion of
My mind into my need to stop flash freezing my honest
Feelings so as to free my processor's existential authenticity to
Bypass my persona pretense of perfection so as to
Identify and express the full spectrum of emotion inclusive of
Elation, confusion, sadness, anger (respectfully) and
All degrees of fear, beginning with low levels of anxiety
Escalating to all-encompassing terror that transforms
Intelligent thoughts into nothing more than
Mental waves of negatively focused static, thus making
Mincemeat of any train of thought that attempts to
Convey so much as one word into the conscious
Portion of my processor leaving me speechless when
I am most in need of expressing my take of
A situation, clearly, so as to own and confront
My personal sense of terror up front rather than
Unconsciously switching tracks toward
‘Faking emotional perfection' whenever
Common sense suggests it’s best to consciously place
The transparency of my personal vulnerabilities on
Display (or in time out for a short while while
My intelligence assesses the situation) so as to offer
My loved ones the host of my heartfelt reactions with
Mindfulness of honoring the concept of mutual respect until
My intuitive powers can venture ever more introspectively
And thus naturally into the inner sanctum of my subconscious
(As was the case in CA, last week, when Will was
Diagnosed with Bell’s palsy, which—before his diagnosis was
Medically confirmed by a neurologist in the ER—had scared
Me half to death for sound reason being that all I could see at
First glance was the paralysis distorting the left side of his face—
Which to my untrained eye suggested that he'd suffered a stroke—
OMG! I mean—a stroke?? What else would I think, having had
No clue about Bell’s palsy until the ER doc informed us all ..
And now that you know some of the places my head has been over
Recent weeks, let’s ready ourselves to release the narrator from
Her flash frozen state (at least for a minute or two) so as to
Speak from the rafters though intuition suggests that Annie's and
Joseph's disastrous first kiss may remain suspended into
The future for a day or two longer—just saying—in hopes of
Encouraging you to fortify your processor’s expansive connection to
Patience, because I have a feeling that you and I may have need to
Make use of this inner strength—wisely ...
Hello again, my friends; I truly appreciate your patience
As for me, I’m feeling kind of stiff and in need of
Limbering up my think tank after my lengthy stay in
The rafters, and so may zi respectfully remind you of
My plan to consciously continue to refocus
My busy as a beehive brain to actually relax in
The midst of turmoil so as to venture
Ever more introspectively into the depths of
The inner sanctum of my subconscious in
Hopes of emerging from times past with
A mega-sized string of insights (once our story
Picks up where it left off), which will relieve
My heart of yet another bag of repressed angst
Compressed into compost made up of
Unprocessed anger, pain and grief, which has been
Seeping out as anxiety or spurting forth as a migrant
Force of frustration, swelling beyond the confines of
My brain as though pushing its heavy weight against
My wall of denial in hopes of releasing reality to relieve
My head of that migraine of mega proportionsm which
HS been attacking me from within, over these past few weeks
Suggesting that my brain’s holding tank, which stores yesteryear’s
Unprocessed (repressed) angst, must, somehow
Feel stimulated to act like a sump pump filled to
Overflowing during a thunderous storm, and thus do I feel
Need to circum/vent storytelling just a bit longer to save my
Spirit from wrestling with repressed angst on the move like
Lava sliding down hill—oh no! Not again! Please—
Anna—just LET IT GO as sung by Elsa in (flash) Frozen—
Holy cow! No wonder why that film remains a hit with young and old!
If you recall the heavy weight of angst that I’d felt
Need to consider during the week BEFORE we drove to CA
You may remember that I'd experienced the anniversary of
My mother's death, my sister flew in from the Midwest
One of my sons was very ill and Ravi, too, both in
Need of breathing treatments, while my niece moved
Forty five minutes away from us to be near to her
Office right before being told she was laid off, and
My retired fixer exclaimed angrily in the still of the night —
Someone DO Something to inspire change
For the better before this build up of inner tension explodes
And I lose all control over relaxing the bee hive nature of
My brain! Then, while on our way to CA, an accident on
The freeway held us up for quite some time after which
The engine light lit up, and we found ourselves waiting
Three hours while our car was being repaired—and
I was seen smiling and reassuring Will that this was
One of life’s small irritations, which would pass once we
Arrived safe and sound in CA where I made a wrong move
And wouldn’t ya just know it—my sciatica flared, and
I’d feared Will had had a stroke until we rushed him to
The ER where he was diagnosed with Bell's palsy
And as I can’t remember what else may have already
Been suppressed or repressed behind my ever ready
Smile, well—hopefully you can understand why I’d
Stated that while we were enjoying (?) our vacation
My storytelling narrator has been patiently awaiting
An intuitive cue pointing to my exhausted bee hive’s
Readiness to stop dripping honeyed words
Here and there, so as to lift the curtain and reveal
Annie’s and Joseph’s surprising emotional reactions to
Their FIRST KISS flailing around on center stage until
My spirit had vented a whale-sized portion of
Current angst rather than adding even more to yesteryear’s
Undertow of frustration tinged with sadness, based in this
Conscious awareness: My retired (yet still vigilant) fixer's
Inability to heal Will turned scared into a repressed
Reaction of MAD, while on the surface I’d felt
Relieved and grateful that he’d not suffered a stroke; on
Theother hand, thankfully my conscious awareness of
Everything that took place within a matter of days, has begun
To sink in, and with self awareness in tact, my conscious mind
Remembers to grow ever more attentive to my need to
Excavate yesteryear’s emotional turmoil, buried alive, since
Much of the angst, pounding to get out of my head had felt
Stimulated to reawaken from the past so as to seep through
The cracks of my processor’s innermost sanctum, which
Has been blending yesteryear’s compost with angst concerning
Here and Now—and with today’s heightened sense of awareness
Brightening my wearied bee hive, I'm feeling hopeful that with
Awareness, I can control the unexpected leakage of
Latent angst and current fear to calm down to a trickle that
Will be less likely to overwhelm my processor as had proved true
During these past few tension-ridden weeks, and thus has
Today’s vision of brain stacked overload intuitively identified
A host of reasons answering why my mental energy has
Felt thoroughly spent, suggesting that by freeing
My whole self to relax, the retired fixer may ease
Ever more naturally, less challengingly toward acceptance of
This lengthy process of healing, which proves decades
Overdue, and hopefully, the cloudy nature of
Repressed compose, which, having been recently released to
Fog up my mind, will not continue to take years to clearly
Fully resolve—I mean at this late stage of my life, how
Many years, unclouded by yesteryear’s unprocessed angst, will
Be mine to fully enjoy in good health? (On the other hand
I wonder how many others unknowingly lug around
Their emotional baggage, which feels as heavy as
A garbage can filled with stone cold rocks, to their graves?
And with the complex nature of this train of thought
(Concerning today’s hopeful attitude conflicting with
And overpowering yesteryear’s unprocessed angst) chugging
Forward, I’ll place my faith in this self empowering belief:
My compulsive need to consciously ascend to each next level of
Emotional maturation is, once again, on the rise, and
As heartfelt gain is universally known to follow growing pains
I’ve decided to refortify my intuitive sense of patience so as to
Free the innermost sanctum of my mind to focus ever more readily
Upon subconscious readiness to spotlight SOS signals highlighting
Each next string of insights that will continue to remain beyond
My conscious awareness until my readiness to gain access into
Yet another secret annex behind my wall of denial where the next
Deeper truth, too complex for a child’s processor to
Fathom, has been lying in wait for my current level of
Emotional intelligence to maturely embrace my need to
Revisit the next deeply unhappy stage of my life in hopes of
Absorbing an insight-driven intuitive train of thought, which upon
Full disclosure to my conscious awareness will clarify
The emotional complexity of much more than yesteryear’s
Conundrum experienced by a girl and a boy who’d
Cared more deeply for each other than words could express, and
As taking proactive action blew up in Joseph’s inexperienced preteen
Face, I’m eager to see what today's insight-laden train of thought is
Signaling my sense of readiness to slide into and then out of
My processor, fully baked, at long last—Whew!
Having clearly stated my intention to move our story forward
I believe my storyteller will soon feel naturally stimulated to
Lift the curtain and release the most crucial scenes of
FIRST KISS Part 6, based in this belief:
My brain’s intuitive (innate) subconscious need to heal itself of
Childhood trauma feels strong until fear of recalling memories of
Visualizing my small self in the clutches of a pedophile release
Each next uprising of latent angst to emerge as
My adult intelligence grows ever more consciously aware of
Early life experiences so hard to bear as to have injured my
Self worth due to a small child’s misinterpretation of
Defensive reactions shot in my direction by loved ones who’d
Loved me as unwisely as I’d learned to love them, and as
I’ve come to believe that mutually reactive defensiveness remains
Repressed in an unprocessed state within us all until
One person musters the courage to say 'I understand your pain'
My personal need to reconnect with clear headedness will continue to
Feel consciously in need of repair, and so we come to see why
The intuitive nature of my intelligence readies the introspective side of
My spirit to dive ever more deeply into my current mental capacity to
Re-evaluate traumatic moments from my past, repeatedly, ever more
Objectively until the injured portion of my processor emerges, yet
Again, with sound reason to surface with insights sparking bursts of
Positively focused energy which inject my self image with yet another
Piece of the puzzle needed to continue to restore my memory’s sense of
Wholeness, which had shattered as if my self image had been a mirror in
Need of being reassembled and restored to resemble the happy-go-lucky
Two year old, who, before turning three, had witnessed tragedy bursting through
Our front door, not once but twice in a matter of weeks, both times callously
Striking fear straight into the very heart of my extended family before
My processor had developed the capacity to comprehend that I was not to
Hold myself at fault for the depth of my loved one’s angst-ridden
Grief, because ever since the age of three, whenever anything has been amiss
My current sense of self has felt a subconscious uprising of undeserved
Guilt surging through my nervous system as though compelling my processor’s
Fixer to spin her wheels until an intuitive sense of insight switches tracks to
Shine its spotlight upon yet another opportunity to spy a sharp shard of that
Shattered mirror, which, reflecting the brokenness of my self image, feels
Need to be pulled out of my heartfelt need to FIX every problem before
A loved one’s pain escalates from ‘a two’ to ‘a ten’, and thus have
I grown toward feeling deeply compelled to work to the ninth degree of
My mental capacity to offer support (today, within reason) while
Simultaneously cradling whatever is still left of the injured lass, who
Had once been me, within the safety of today’s emotionally matured
Embrace until such time as my heart feels securely restored to its
Lively self, once more, at which time (and not before)
The intuitive portion of my processor offers my storyteller a sense of
'All clear ahead’ as a cue to lift my pen in readiness to reveal
The next insight-driven portion of the story at hand in hopes of
Gifting each of us with a bird’s eye view of the purity of prepubescent
Innocence, which had so sadly been damaged within my psyche before
A man-child’s unexpected, hormone-driven, impassioned emotional reaction felt
Instinctively stimulated to grasp the shoulders of a young girl’s first blush of
Femininity against his chest with such magnetic impulsivity as if
A force, greater than both of us combined, had naturally burst through
Joseph’s boyish, half-baked connection to self control so instinctively
As to have shocked the dizzied brains of both lad and lass to the max!
And having reviewed where we'd left the lead characters in this story
Flash frozen on center stage—ready or not—here comes their meltdown ...
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