Here’s why it’s taking longer to write this story than those published in earlier posts: At my present comfort level, I have no problem exposing most vulnerabilities, which are my own; however that’s not true when a story, written by me, serves to showcase the developing evolution of the relationship that Will and I shared during the years of our marriage preceding our separation, because two comfort levels have need to be respectfully considered in terms of readiness for public consumption. As I plan to be as truthful as possible (or else why write stories, spotlighting that which we each had need to understand about love, life, each other and ourselves as we advanced from girlfriend/boyfriend to husband and wife, to baby makes three and then four and five?), this is the first story that's not tripping off the end of my tongue as had been true of every story that I’d felt intuitively free to post in the past.
Seriously, as life advances forward from one stage to the next, a person’s sense of privacy may change; however, whether that happens( or when that may happen) is up to each individual's comfort zone to define. As stories about our marriage will reveal details that countless couples would consider secrets, Will’s sense of privacy will be considered as vital as my own.
Having clarified that point concerning privacy, perhaps you can see why writing this story demands whatever time proves necessary as my processor’s connection to intuition experiences sound reason to reconsider specific details, which continue to emerge from distant memory, so that upon making sound use of insight based in hindsight, I can present each of us with as much objectivity as my intelligence has worked to gain so as to describe the ways in which defensive reactions emoting from two egos serve to separate people who love each other into opposing camps. By way of relating this story, I hope to demonstrate why emotional conflicts are exacerbated between loving adults in the absence of skillful communications.
When speaking and listening skills have not been acquired at 'mother’s knee', a child's unidentified fear of disappointing loved ones may experience reason to grow so overwhelming as to silence the self assertive portion of a pleaser's voice at such a young age so that it fails to develop, and when that's the case, here is what results: As opposites attract, a pleaser's life's partner is likely to be a person who has acquired passive aggressive (or overtly aggressive) tendencies during childhood ... as you shall soon see. (BTW: Even now, the think tanks of very few children absorb speaking and listening skills at home. Actually, if more adults absorbed the importance of listening openly and speaking compassionately, the divorce rate would plummet. One day, speaking and listening skills will be learned in school. Why do I believe that? Because, throughout the messed up state of our world, wounded egos are in need of being self-healed before being reined in, and no one can heal the injured portions of your ego or mine without empowering our thought processors with knowledge that is readily available, today, which was not available to my parents.
Classically and sadly, Will and I had no clue as to how often our contrasting defensive attitudes clashed, head on, whenever we'd attempted to work our way through any conflict, most of which proved to be universal and timeless for this classic reason: Once again—common knowledge suggests that throughout the world at large, opposites attract—however, in the absence of talking and listening skills, eventually opposing character traits, which had originally drawn two people together will repel unless personal need to create change for the better (by retiring emotional reactions that got cross-wired during childhood) is identified and actualized on both sides ...
As later in life (mainly after our separation), Will and I chose to read the same psychology texts, concerning the universality of human emotions, autonomic reactions of the nervous system and contrasting behavioral patterns. We also chose to spend copious amounts of time (and $) with therapists, whose expertise was devoted to family practice.
With time, our ability to absorb ever-deepening levels of self awareness with humility intact saw both of us gaining insight into this fact: Heightening levels of emotional maturity require that each person grows toward recognizing those times when conflict resolution depends upon both people consciously placing their egos in time out. Once two ego s have been subdued, solution-seeking leans much more toward the thought processor's connection to intelligence and much less toward defensive reactiveness, because both sides know to muster the courage to listen in depth to each other's point of view in hopes of brainstorming, together, with humility intact so as to identify and openly admit to one's own mistakes in judgment (to which our egos had been blind).
When two people aim to improve our relationships by identifying and rewiring less desirable character traits (which had shaped up, subconsciously, during less mature stages of life), then we can see how clashing egos may run interference with achieving such an admirable goal. Though Will and I have both made sweeping advances in terms of openly embracing dual need for personal growth spurts so as to continue to stride toward heightening levels of emotional maturity, this story is the first one that I’ve ever written, exposing defensive character traits (on both sides) to which Will and I were unaware throughout the first twenty-five years of our marriage.
Once a person’s intelligence masters the courage and humility to work toward conscientiously setting the ego aside so as to summon intuitive trains of thought that mine his/her subconscious for negatively focused attitudes, absorbed during childhood, that's when we begin to see our own egocentric, judgmental character traits that prohibit our smarts to work determinedly toward resolving long standing conflicts so respectfully as to create lasting changes for the better within every relationship that we partake in. And here is why that's true: One change creates another, so that, ever so slowly, little by little, negative cycles reverse.
As you can see, the ego's id is in need of being placed to one side if our mental connection to intelligence is to embrace the humility that proves necessary to strengthen skillful communications whenever solution-seeking is on center stage. And that, my friends, is where heightening our listening skills comes into play. We can listen with humility or with the ego but not both.
Each time a hot spot is poked, a defensive attitude sneaks out of your subconscious or mine so naturally that that is when the ego is doing our listening. As this is a natural human reaction, we must tune into the fact that defensiveness was tapped into so our intelligence can choose to fortify itself to listen less defensively, more intuitively—and as you can imagine, creating this change for the better proves to be a step by step learning process. (When we're born, we don't how to add, subtract, multiply or divide numbers. We are taught those processes one step at a time. ) If, as adults, we did not learn to absorb talking and listening skills during childhood, then we have need to remedy that lack of skill for ourselves. Like mathematics, we go from lower skills to higher in a logical fashion.
As deep thinkers work toward conscientiously retiring self defeating (judgmental thought) processes, absorbed during childhood we begin to experience one personal growth spurt after another in that we come to identify our own naturally limbic reactions (google it), which prove in need of taming if we hope to embrace objective thinking patterns that enable us to continue to advance toward making such good use of intuition as to unmask and modify our own subconscious attitudes, repressed insecurities and judgmental traits, which look down in the nose when the vulnerabilities of others are plainly exposed. Whew!
This winning trifecta of courage, humility and knowledge empowers our processors to work toward creating lasting changes that rebalance and equalize the power structure of our relationships once both people examine early life experiences, which had catalyzed you and your partner to develop unhealthy patterns of thought, so thaeach one's mental reorganization process the absorption of rebalanced, emotionally matured patterns of thought serve to improve your relationship with each other—and more importantly, your relationship with yourself as you both approach the future with a newfound ability to continue to enhance loving, healthy, mutually respectful relationships at every stage of life.
As relating this story with accuracy challenges my long term memory to focus upon a heightened degree of objectivity, I’m finding the writing process to be so deeply thoughtful as to become more time consuming than any story I’ve penned thus far. And as such, this story teller’s true tale is not breezing along on the open highway, full speed ahead, fueled by streams of consciousness as had been true of those stories, which had revealed my adult reflections, concerning personal experiences that had shaped my thinking patterns, character traits and sliding self image, during early childhood. And now, having specified sound reasons that caution my intelligence to consider both sides with whatever patience proves necessary so as not to rattle off this story until my connection to impartiality feels intact, here comes another difference that separates this story from those posted in the past ...
Before this story feels readied for publication, Will will have read it and offered his stamp of approval, because he has respectfully been given the right of refusal to expose anything that his present comfort zone deems too personal for public consumption. Why? Because readiness to expose certain aspects of our dark sides (which everyone harbors) does not necessarily emerge from within two people, simultaneously.
On the other hand, I believe my husband’s comfort level, concerning advances achieved in self awareness, has grown to a place where he’ll nix very few personal details which my present comfort level feels free to bare, and here is why I think that is true: Just as I conscientiously continue to work toward identifying, disclosing, owning up to and rewiring the defensive nature of my egocentric vulnerabilities, so does Will. And when friends ask why he’s consented to my writing about our personal lives, Will replies: Annie teaches family communications. And I’m not that guy, anymore. When people ask why I feel compelled to do this, I reply: I’ve been a family communication’s instructor, who has made sound use of storytelling to offer personal examples of my life, which
served to deepen my conscious connection to self awareness. And I've received permission from Will and our sons to include our entire family when offering up examples, concerning personal growth spurts that strengthen individuals and familial relationships at all stages of life.
Lastly, while I’m working to relate this story with as much conscientious attentiveness to objective detail as is humanly possible, it’s highly likely that I’ll continue to post streams of consciousness, concerning whatever is happening in my daily life, as well. So when those posts show up, please don’t think this story is gathering dust on the shelf.
Being a woman, I've been multi-tasking since the young teacher added 'wifery', motherhood and the authoring of articles for magazine publication to my passionate dedication to achieve success within every aspect of my life that continues to require the same level of excellence from my processor as I'd asked of my sons when each one would say that his nightly homework assignments had been completed. So while concentrating on the task at hand, you can count on me to ask myself: Annie, is this your first attempt or are you planning to publish the best work that my processor can offer?
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