Thursday, January 25, 2018

CHANGE FOR THE BETTER: I CHOOSE NOT TO BEAT MYSELF UP

Each person’s vulnerability to insecurity is based in situational experiences occurring during childhood, which have remained emotionally unresolved (and if the experience truly traumatized you, the entire experience or your reaction to it will have been 'forgotten', because denying that it happened or that it affected you terribly differentiates a traumatizing experience from a frightening one).  When anything you are doing, today, pokes subconsciously at any aspect of yesteryear’s traumatic experience, your internal reaction will replay the same red hot reaction as had been true when the original experience had fired up your fury or fear (of failure or abandonment).  And if whatever happened back then aroused feelings of worthlessness or guilt of reprehensible behavior, you’ll feel worthless and guilty, again.  Please keep that insight in mind as today's intuitive train of thought moves forward toward the next:

If your subconsciously repressed insecurity is based in one aspect of life while mine is based in another, then it’s likely that your fear (or anger) and mine will not be aroused at the very same time.  And so, if, one of us feels self confident, during conflict, while the other is quaking with repressed anger or fear, leaking out, today’s reaction that seems irrationally over-reactive is actually due to latent anxiety spiking from within your subconscious (or mine), and once we understand that complication, concerning the eruptive force of unidentified insecurity, then what’s to be gained from raining harsh judgments down onto the head of a person, whose mind and spirit are apparently carrying a subconsciously repressed, emotional weight to which he or she may be totally blind and utterly unaware of harboring?

No matter how well we come to know each other and oneself, no one has x-ray vision to see through walls of denial, behind which lurks one’s own subconscious fears, frustrations and furies, any more than we can see into the deep dark pockets of another person's repressed anxieties, and thus—there’s always more to learn about why you act this way when I act that way, suggesting why compassionate questions (even after one feels insulted) will carry us forward toward resolving irrational conflicts than if we release our defense system’s to cast disparaging judgements, back and forth, thus adding weight to a pair of negatively focused attitudes with which we butt heads and end up creating stalemates whenever our defensive choice of words lights a match to each other’s subconscious hot spots, exacerbating power struggles in which bullish horns feel challenged to be sharpened and bared in readiness to do battle for moral high ground or emotional dominance with no chance at all to resolve the original conflict with a well thought out plan, resulting in win/win.  Whew!

As I tell my sons ... when everyone else is hotheaded, and you feel as though one more insult to your intelligence will tear your smarts apart at the seams, releasing your inner bull to snort, bellow and lower its horns, that's when we make sound use of our inner line of control by taking a time out, if necessary, right on the spot, to rebalance, reorganize and calm your mind so as to lead yourself to think smart so S to react more logically with most of your intelligence intact.  In short, when everyone else’s thoughts are running in circles like chickens without heads, that's not the time to let your ego feel so superior as to get so foxy as to out fox yourself—that is the time to call forth your calming leadership skills in hopes of preventing a situation from going from bad to worse.  Sometimes, change for the better has to settle for nothing more than calming the uproar of tension that zings through the air once one person's red button feels reason to flare before your red button pops its lid, as well ...

This suggests that I still appreciate having consciously trained my line of control to come to my aid whenever the think tanks of others have gotten so hot so fast as to boil their smarts in oil rendering their processors to feel so overwhelmed with rolling emotion as to be incapable, at that moment, to think smart instead of think attack.  My problem does arise when in the heat of conflict with others. my line of control has become so masterful that I have no clue as to when it doubles up with my persona's wall of denial so that whatever I fear, consciously, today, combines with yesteryear's unresolved anxiety due to an uprising of subconscious insecurity, and after today’s confrontation is over, I feel a tsunami-like wave of fear or anger erupt from deep inside that feels so immense as to flood over my defensive wall of denial, knocking down my well groomed persona, so that no one is more surprised than me to see my pent up storehouse of vitriolic emotion suddenly spewing forth, gushing like a hydrant, whose internal pressure has grown so great as to pop its lid, releasing a geyser of fear or anger or both that spikes so high as to see me sweat, drenching every particle of courage away as rapidly as the quickened beat of my heart shatters my processor’s connection to common sense, which, now that I’m safely alone with my fear, is swept straight out of my brain.  Oy!  Generally, this Delayed emotional reaction results in the aftermath of a conflict with a person who’d felt need to intimidate my think tank so as to dominate my trains of thoughts, so thank goodness, during the heat of conflict, my well trained line of control rarely fails me ... suggesting why I can save myself from falling apart until I’m alone, at which time my repressed anxiety/anger freely gushes forth.  And that’s not a bad thing if I realize that it’s the haunting nature of yesteryear’s unresolved anxiety that’s scaring me, today.  To tell you the truth, I’ve never seen that insight, concerning my delYed reaction, as clearly as I do, right now, having written it down.  This is important, because the next time I feel exceptionally scared or angry in the aftermath of a conflict with a person I value highly, I’ll remember today’s insight and stop feeling that, somehow, I’m going to pay for having stood my ground by opening my mouth and respectfully having my say with my intelligence leading the way.  In short, my voice has finally mustered the adult strength to speak my mind above a squeak without arousing the child within, who worries about being sent to my room if I so much as speak back to another person’s voice of authority.  I mean, what pleaser, whose lack of self worth would do that! Double whew!  Wow, this insight is huge!!

Thank goodness, insight, concerning my trifecta of subconscious insecurities, surfaced as a unit earlier in the week.  I say that because had that not been the case, I’d be beating myself up, subconsciously, for sure, instead of driving this train of insight-ladened thought from one paragraph to the next until intuition suggests that today’s stream of consciousness is ready to pull into the station where today’s Post will prove ready for publication, and here’s why I know that had the trifecta not shown up, earlier in the week, I’d be beating my self worth black and blue, today:

Will was scheduled for oral surgery, which would have taken place this morning
Upon my return from the doctor, my husband called
His oral surgeon to postpone his surgery, because rather than
My taking care of him, over the next few days as planned
Will will still be taking care of me—and that turn about rouses my
Insecurity of feeling worthless if I'm supposed to take care of a loved one
But can't—the irrationality of whipping myself for being ill makes sense to
My adult conscious mind, and with a session of EMDR, hopefully
My therapist and I will work on healing me from beating myself up for
"Disappointing' Will—who, thoughtfully, did not 'act out' his disappointment
Though my intuitive powers could not be fooled into believing that he’d felt
100% okay with postponement—thankfully, I made good use of
My voice to let him know that I was giving myself a hard time while
He did not—and as we talked and commiserated about his feelings and mine
The inner tension, based in my feeling unworthy of his love, which
I became aware of as soon as my self-defeating feeling arose, irrationally
From deep within myself, began to subside, and as my intuitive powers took
Command over both sides of my brain, offering me insight into
My childish insecurity, my adult connection to kindness and compassion
Arose to silently calm that insecure portion of my self esteem off of
The ledge where self demeaning trains of thought had previously
Pushed me to isolate myself and my vulnerabilities into
A solitary dungeon of my own making ... and as situations, like
This one pinpoint exactly what I'd wanted to discuss with
My therapist, it is reassuring to know that the bright side of
My processor saw fit to cancel that appointment in
Favor of seeing my internist, because the Z-pak is already
Making short work of the bacterial infection that attacked
My bronchia as a complication of the Flu—I know this as true
Because more energy is flowing through me than I've felt
For weeks, suggesting (hopefully) that my immune system has
Foiled the Flu and is now bolstering the Z-Pak that's at work
Diminishing the invasion of gazillions of bacteria within
My breathing space—in fact, when Will arrived home from
Grocery shopping, a short while ago, he and I enjoyed
A short walk in the sunshine—something that
I've not had the energy to do for weeks, and
In addition to that change for the better, rather than
Penning this post on my iPad while lying prone in my bed
I've been sitting at my computer, suggesting
My head is holding itself upright, once again, on my neck

Had my trifecta of lifelong insecurities not surfaced and
Shown themselves to me when I had need to think smart
I'd surely have subconsciously beat myself up, feeling that
The postponement of Will's surgery was 'my fault'
And had I faulted myself, no one but me would have
Stripped my self image of self respect by tying
My naked vulnerabilities to a whipping post, where
My lack of super human strength would have lashed me with
Undeserved guilt due to my feeling unworthy of
My husband’s loving attentiveness, since
It was supposed to be my turn to take loving care of him, and
Here’s where the irrationality of a brain injured during
Early childhood by PTSD would have come into play, locking up
My intelligent connection to logic within
The tunnel-like dungeon of my mind where
Self disparaging trains of thoughts would have sucker punched
My strength of spirit had my intuitive powers not consciously
Coached my processor’s connection to insight to
Pen those posts, thus spotlighting my greatest vulnerabilities so
As to signal my conscious awareness to get a grip on
The fact that rather than healing from the flu, I was, somehow, taking
A turn for the worse, and had I not penned those posts
I would have been so angry with myself for 'letting Will down' that
I would have felt as unlovable as had been true when I was three
In the aftermath of my baby sister's death, when a little girl had
Need of reassurance but none of the deeply aggrieved adults had
A clue of the fact that during the terrible months ahead, I'd felt so unloved
And emotionally abandoned as to have developed a worry, concerning
My being unlovable unless I was taking good care of
Other people’s needs ... and when we feel unloveable it is common to
Feel that others can’t find much to love about us, as well, and so
As is true of every vicious cycle, when your brain's dark (subconscious)
Side leaps forth to shadow your bright (conscious) side, and you can’t see much
Worth loving about yourself, you, too, become your worst enemy just as
I would have been mine had previous sessions of EMDR therapy not
Set my thinking cap on the right track toward conveying
My self image back to center whenever the next arousal of
Subconscious insecurity creates a state of static-like havoc within
My present frame of mind, creating a train wreck of my private thoughts
And so—at times when unresolved repressed insecurity is the culprit that
Creates my darkening frame of mind, deeming me guilty of not being
As super human as my ego would have me believe is true
Hanging on to my self respect and self love comes hard, blinding me to
Darken my  own most lovable traits, which have developed, over
My lifetime, which I know is true, because most everyone who
Loves and respects me just as I am apparently love me more than
I love myself —and if you ask why I’d pressured myself to
Get well—well, I'd reply:
For the past several days, Will kept asking me if I thought
I’d feel well enough to drive him home from the periodontist and
Take care of him in the aftermath of his oral surgery—so—for days
I’ve been reassuring him (and me) that I’ll be able to do that very thing as if
The strength of my positively focused attitude is a super power that
Is empowered to conduct my recovery full speed ahead by
The sheer will of my heartfelt determination to take good care of him
However, as the days continued to pass, and my recovery stalled
My intuition coached me to write those posts, which
Brought the trifecta of my greatest, self defeating vulnerabilities
Out into the open, so that the egocentric portion of my mind could
No longer hide the truth of my very real, physical vulnerability behind
My wall of emotional denial, and in addition to coaching
My smarts to write those posts my intuitive powers directed me to
Reread my own insight driven trains of thought, again and again, leading
Me to ask in hindsight—had my brain's intuitive powers been in tune with
The fact that my immune system had begun to do battle with
The tag team of virus compounded by the buildup of bacteria, infecting
My bronchial tract?  Your guess, concerning the countless capabilities of
The human brain (which oversees the general welfare of each human being) is
As good as mine—so all that my limited knowledge can say for certain is this:
Somehow, my intuition directed my processor to pen those posts in such
A timely as fashion as to offer my self awareness reason to absorb
Those specific trains of thought more consciously than ever before
And therefore, my strength of spirit, rather than wilting, stood up and
Encouraged the conscious portion of my think tank to
Choose an emotional reaction and make sound use of my voice so as
Not to chastise myself with so little mercy as to beat up
My human vulnerability to infectious complications, which are
Filling hospital beds with patients, fighting pneumonia, which, hopefully
My decision-maker has staved off,  and if you ask what would have
Been my reaction to bacterial infection had those posts not been
Written before Will felt need to call the oral surgeon to postpone his surgery
Well, I have a feeling that subconscious insecurity, still in need of healing
Might have beat my spirit up, pretty soundly—
Thank goodness, Will’s loving, well-balanced approach to
Problem solving matches mine, as we've both engaged in
Therapy for years, ever since our separation catalyzed us to
Feel need to follow Socrates' advice:  Know thyself
Suggesting why both he and I continue to choose to learn
More about the role played by insecurities, which, remaining
Unhealed, still have the power to create emotional havoc within
Both of our minds—you see, I know how much he’s looked forward to
Getting past this surgery and the painful recovery to follow, suggesting
That I knew, full well, that Will was swallowing his disappointment
For my sake—As Will knows how crushing it is for me to disappoint
Anyone I love, my husband knew to say, reassuringly, ‘Annie, don’t beat
Yourself up for being too ill to take care of me—this is beyond
Your control and mine as well—and I can’t tell you how much
Those words, based in love and generosity of spirit, meant to
One such as me, who, though my smarts fully agreed, had need to
Hear my husband say exactly that so as to encourage my smarts to
Lock up my lifelong habit of self flagellation, which
In the past would have dominated my think tank so quickly as to
Have knocked my smarts right out of my conscious mind ...
And in addition to PTSD arising from within the injured portion of
My self image to punch the lights out of my smarts for
My temporary inability to take care of Will, this week
Celina was diagnosed with need to surgically remove
Her uterus, which has swelled to five times its normal size
And due to the size of the swelling, laproscopic surgery is
Not an option, so she’s facing an open surgery followed by
A two month recovery ...
Her surgery is scheduled for this coming Monday, and here I am
Contagious and bedridden, unable to take care of
Will or Ravi while my daughter-in-law (who is on
Pain medication) awaits her surgery  ...
Had all of this happened before my intuitive directive fully
Expose my trifecta of self demeaning life long vulnerabilities
I'm certain that repressed insecurity would have manifested
Itself as anxiety, based in inner conflict (self love vs. self hate)
Every bit as irrationally as pressuring myself to muster more energy to
Smite these infections, perhaps causing a rise in my blood pressure due to
Having subconsciously condemned myself of being incapable of
Helping, therefore deeming myself unworthy of love ...
So you can see why, today, most especially
I feel peacefully relieved to say that rather than beating myself up
I have sound reason to thank my good fortune for having chosen
A life's path upon which my processor has been empowered to
Embrace each personal growth spurt, which has enabled my
Growing sense of wholeness to expand, naturally, graciously and
Faithfully by directing my connection to self awareness to follow
My power of intuition’s relentless determination to
Seek out professional help until the existential path that
I’ve carved for myself intersected with the path of a therapist (versed
In EMDR), whose expertise in this specific aspect of psychology has been
Conscientiously, compassionately and successfully guiding
My inner need to heal the deeply injured portions of my self image from
Succumbing to future episodic uprising of latent anxiety, based in
PPTSD, and ...
If you ask how my intuitive powers called upon hindsight to
Awaken my connection to insight, which offered me
The foresight to pen those posts, spotlighting my trifecta of
Emotional vulnerabilities, which lined up in such a timely fashion as to
Offer my conscious mind sound reason to take
This week’s leap of faith away from the ledge so that logical thought
Saw me cancelling my therapist in favor of seeing my internist
I have a story to tell you when next we meet ...
As for now, I’m in need of electrolyte water to drink and protein to eat ...

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