Welcome back! Though I write in hopes of seeing more of myself than denial might allow for, I rely on your respectful support more than I’m inclined to show. So, when your numbers swell after an absence, my spirit smiles and my mind sighs with relief.
As is true of many others (for a variety of reasons), it’s been my life long habit to repress that which is deemed socially unacceptable emotion behind my defense system’s wall of denial to the point of over saturation until every fiber of my being feels need to spew forth impassioned fires, which, if left to burn ever more persistently within, would realistically roast my brain’s connection to clarity to a crisp, suggestive of my need to loosen the tight rein that inevitably (though, rarely) results in a ferocity of emotion gushing geyser-like through my suddenly shattered wall of self restraint. Whew! Needless to say, when my energy is diverted toward healing from illness, my inner strengths, which I depend upon to keep myself centered, are seriously compromised.
Another lifelong, unhealthy habit, which has become second nature to me, blinds my growing sense of self awareness from recognizing those times when I’m beating myself up until a loved one takes me around and compassionately coaches me to drop the whip and switch mental tracks toward thinking so smart as to offer myself the same degree of generosity of spirit and loving kindness that I've been taught to offer everyone else.
Though Ive been working to recreate my self image to match reality for several years, this truth has grown apparent, once again: The interrelated nature of both of those highly significant goals continue to remain beyond my reach, most especially at those times when my human vulnerabilities, having had sound reason to arise, outwhelm my inner strengths, and my voice, which fearlessly champions the vulnerabilities in others, is silenced by the boulder of insecurity that manifests within my throat, barring me from summoning help for myself ... and thus has a third self-defeating habit lined up to complete this trifecta of personal weaknesses that my ego has glaringly blinded me from recognizing as my greatest foe.
Had professional awareness of my self demeaning mistreatment of myself been clarified for my family when I was a child, the severity of my repressed fear of anger, (most especially my own) may have surfaced and been extinguished many decades ago rather than having offered this fault line so much time to have burned a wedge ever more deeply within my think tank—though reflection suggests that subconsciously repressed emotion kept itching within me as if my nervous system kept sending SOS signals to my intelligence concerning my desperate need to air my fears and openly express my anger in hopes of healing my shattered self image, which must precede the restoration of my connection to peace of mind, but since all of that psychological jargon was not yet common knowledge, no one uncovered the fact that my inability to express the depth of my emotional reaction to the confounding upheaval that evolved in the aftermath of my baby sister's death was manifesting itself within the relentless way that I'd scratched at my skin as if self mutilation might loosen the hold of impassioned emotion, which, remaining imprisoned within my subconscious, burrowed ever more unhealthily under my skin until recent years when my current therapist, versed in PTSD, honed in on my need to decipher this secret code that my body kept sending to my intuitive intelligence: Help! I’m in pain from attacking every one of my human vulnerabilities, which I'm determined to hide from my egocentric conscious self for as long as is humanly possible! Please! Someone help me to mend this inner conflict that divided my self image into two separate parts so that the torn state of my peace of mind can finally heal. Whew!
REPRESSION OF IMPASSIONED EMOTION IS NOT A WELL-BALANCED WAY TO LIVE
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT MY POWER OF INTUITION HAS FORCED MY HAND HOLD MY INTUITIVE INTELLIGENCE ACCOUNTABLE FOR GROWING EVER MORE AWARE OF THE FACT THAT MY LINE OF CONTROL HAS GROWN BEYOND THAT POINT WHICH PROVES CLEARLY HEALTHY AND REALITY CENTERED ...
MY LINE OF CONTROL HAS GROWN SO TIGHTLY COILED AS TO CHOKE OFF MY SENSE OF CLARITY FROM IDENTIFYING THOSE TIMES WHEN MY INTELLIGENCE NEEDS TO THROW MY THINK TANK A ROPE THAT WILL TETHER MY CONNECTION TO WHOLENESS TO CLARITY NO MATTER HOW SCARY OR INFURIATING REALITY PROVES TO BE.
MY INTELLIGENCE NEEDS TO RELEASE THE REAL ME TO MUSTER THE COURAGE TO MAKE SOUND USE OF MY VOICE TO SAY: I’M REALLY SCARED! AND THAT'S OKAY!
OR TO SHOUT: I’M SO ANGRY FOR SOUND REASON!
I need to release my line of control so as to free my intelligence to embrace the fact that during times of personal vulnerability fate will not lock me in solitary for not using my smile of leadership as my invincible shield ... and that deeper truth will surely have need to grow more in-synche with reality as all of me continues to age.
As a small, frightened child, living in a home gone mad with anger born of impassioned confusion and searing grief, I watched death shatter my whole life, catalyzing my self protective defense system to erect a wall of denial dividing my undeveloped processor into two separate halves, wherein courage to trek forth ever more brightly into the great unknown continued to carve my existential path disconnected from my dark fear of failure, which left to its own devices, would have forbidden my sense of adventure to develop and strengthen my inner sense of leadership, and as long as this wall divided my processor into separate compartments, my ability to think creatively for myself continued to take two steps forward, one back, except for those times when courage, breaking totally free of.any hint of subconscious fear tugging me backward, would take such a flying leap of faith forward toward restoring my lost sense of wholeness that upon landing securely on both feet, I’d feel so completely healed from self incriminatory flaggelation that my ego’s inner warrior would rise up, declaring my self image infallibly restrengthened so as to believe that never again would my inner super hero be so wounded as to feel too feeble to do battle with fate until, yet again, fate loomed so starkly dark as to make a fist of reality, which upon sucker punching my wall of denial, would, once again, shatter my shield, revealing the depths of my fear of my own expressions of anger, rendering my connection to courage incapable of lifting the wounded spirits of loved ones to safety, and thus does a new chapter in my quest to retire my inner super hero by strengthening my connection to human wholeness manifest as my most recent brush with personal vulnerability, both physical and emotional, identify my life’s most highly personal long range goal ... my self respect must maintain its strength expressly at those times when my vulnerability feels exposed.
From this day forward, my intuitive powers must remember to arrest my ego before Don Quixote arises from within to make a farce of deeper truth, signaling my intelligence to be aware of an uprising of fear and/or anger, so that my over grown line of control does not overwhelm my quest to gain, strengthen and maintain a better hold of balance in all things, thus freeing clarity to dominate my ego’s life long habit of denying the depths of my fear of anger by locking my intuitive smarts out of my conscious trains of thought at times when an undiagnosed danger threatens to release the dark side of life to shadow my loved ones’ well being, freeing the fiery breathe of my inner dragon to spin my peace of mind around on the windmill’s arms until the current windstorm has reason to pick up steam or pass, calming my dizzied state of mind so that clarity, once again, feels intact, because not until both sides of my brain feel solidly grounded in reality can my spirit begin to recoup the well balanced connection to positively focused energy necessary to work toward accepting whatever fate has in store for my family, directly ahead ...
As for right now, today is the first day in weeks that my body feels like standing for more than a minute at a time.. Last Saturday, lack of energy saw me cancel a family celebration at our house in honor of Steven’s birthday. For Will’s sake and in hopes of staving off his developing cabin fever, we welcomed dear friends from Seattle, who brought dinner, and after taking one look at me, agreed with my decision to stretch out on one of three living room couches that make up a conversational U- shaped setting, while Will and they caught each other up on family life, and I listened, quietly. As my friend is a take charge person, she cautioned me to remain prone while she tidied up our kitchen, and though energy continued to elude me, all went well.
On Sunday, Steven came to watch football with Will while my attempts to play quietly with Ravi had need for many breaks as my grand daughter listened to me say, repeatedly, I’m so glad you’re here but my energy can’t sit up for very long before my head feels too dizzy to stand straight on my neck, and it needs to relax on a pillow, so most of our playtime was spent on my bed.
Today, after experiencing weeks of physical illness
My spirit’s smile, highlighting the richness of my life
Is beginning to surface on its own
And a bit of appetite for physical sustenance is returning, as well.
Up until today, everything tasted as sour as whatever has been attacking
My physical, emotional and spiritual well being
Most everyone I know has been down with this bug for weeks ...
So having worked to understand what's been bugging the life out of
My psyche and spirit whenever I prove as vulnerable to fear or anger
As any other, now I'm scratching my head while itching to know:
What is the nature of this year’s flu virus that’s spreading
Such a wallop of epidemic proportions across our entire nation?
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