The complexity of my thought process within
The previous post has been simplified
And the emergence of additional insights has
Slipped in with those, which had originally been penned
Other than that, my head has been diverted to
Family matters, which I’ll explain once
My lingering weariness, based in
Having being ill for several weeks, lessens
Though it’s true that the replenishment of depleted energy
Requires downtime, time to rest mind and body was
Cut short, earlier in the week
And though I’m still too tired to mine
The depths of my mind for any extended length of time
Here is one insight that my power of intuition can
Spotlight with clarity intact, right off the bat:
Life rarely offers many moments of down time to
Those who have been blessed with many loved ones
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Monday, January 29, 2018
THE STORY I PROMISED HAS NOT BEEN EASY TO WRITE ...
Here’s why it’s taking longer to write this story than those published in earlier posts: At my present comfort level, I have no problem exposing most vulnerabilities, which are my own; however that’s not true when a story, written by me, serves to showcase the developing evolution of the relationship that Will and I shared during the years of our marriage preceding our separation, because two comfort levels have need to be respectfully considered in terms of readiness for public consumption. As I plan to be as truthful as possible (or else why write stories, spotlighting that which we each had need to understand about love, life, each other and ourselves as we advanced from girlfriend/boyfriend to husband and wife, to baby makes three and then four and five?), this is the first story that's not tripping off the end of my tongue as had been true of every story that I’d felt intuitively free to post in the past.
Seriously, as life advances forward from one stage to the next, a person’s sense of privacy may change; however, whether that happens( or when that may happen) is up to each individual's comfort zone to define. As stories about our marriage will reveal details that countless couples would consider secrets, Will’s sense of privacy will be considered as vital as my own.
Having clarified that point concerning privacy, perhaps you can see why writing this story demands whatever time proves necessary as my processor’s connection to intuition experiences sound reason to reconsider specific details, which continue to emerge from distant memory, so that upon making sound use of insight based in hindsight, I can present each of us with as much objectivity as my intelligence has worked to gain so as to describe the ways in which defensive reactions emoting from two egos serve to separate people who love each other into opposing camps. By way of relating this story, I hope to demonstrate why emotional conflicts are exacerbated between loving adults in the absence of skillful communications.
When speaking and listening skills have not been acquired at 'mother’s knee', a child's unidentified fear of disappointing loved ones may experience reason to grow so overwhelming as to silence the self assertive portion of a pleaser's voice at such a young age so that it fails to develop, and when that's the case, here is what results: As opposites attract, a pleaser's life's partner is likely to be a person who has acquired passive aggressive (or overtly aggressive) tendencies during childhood ... as you shall soon see. (BTW: Even now, the think tanks of very few children absorb speaking and listening skills at home. Actually, if more adults absorbed the importance of listening openly and speaking compassionately, the divorce rate would plummet. One day, speaking and listening skills will be learned in school. Why do I believe that? Because, throughout the messed up state of our world, wounded egos are in need of being self-healed before being reined in, and no one can heal the injured portions of your ego or mine without empowering our thought processors with knowledge that is readily available, today, which was not available to my parents.
Classically and sadly, Will and I had no clue as to how often our contrasting defensive attitudes clashed, head on, whenever we'd attempted to work our way through any conflict, most of which proved to be universal and timeless for this classic reason: Once again—common knowledge suggests that throughout the world at large, opposites attract—however, in the absence of talking and listening skills, eventually opposing character traits, which had originally drawn two people together will repel unless personal need to create change for the better (by retiring emotional reactions that got cross-wired during childhood) is identified and actualized on both sides ...
As later in life (mainly after our separation), Will and I chose to read the same psychology texts, concerning the universality of human emotions, autonomic reactions of the nervous system and contrasting behavioral patterns. We also chose to spend copious amounts of time (and $) with therapists, whose expertise was devoted to family practice.
With time, our ability to absorb ever-deepening levels of self awareness with humility intact saw both of us gaining insight into this fact: Heightening levels of emotional maturity require that each person grows toward recognizing those times when conflict resolution depends upon both people consciously placing their egos in time out. Once two ego s have been subdued, solution-seeking leans much more toward the thought processor's connection to intelligence and much less toward defensive reactiveness, because both sides know to muster the courage to listen in depth to each other's point of view in hopes of brainstorming, together, with humility intact so as to identify and openly admit to one's own mistakes in judgment (to which our egos had been blind).
When two people aim to improve our relationships by identifying and rewiring less desirable character traits (which had shaped up, subconsciously, during less mature stages of life), then we can see how clashing egos may run interference with achieving such an admirable goal. Though Will and I have both made sweeping advances in terms of openly embracing dual need for personal growth spurts so as to continue to stride toward heightening levels of emotional maturity, this story is the first one that I’ve ever written, exposing defensive character traits (on both sides) to which Will and I were unaware throughout the first twenty-five years of our marriage.
Once a person’s intelligence masters the courage and humility to work toward conscientiously setting the ego aside so as to summon intuitive trains of thought that mine his/her subconscious for negatively focused attitudes, absorbed during childhood, that's when we begin to see our own egocentric, judgmental character traits that prohibit our smarts to work determinedly toward resolving long standing conflicts so respectfully as to create lasting changes for the better within every relationship that we partake in. And here is why that's true: One change creates another, so that, ever so slowly, little by little, negative cycles reverse.
As you can see, the ego's id is in need of being placed to one side if our mental connection to intelligence is to embrace the humility that proves necessary to strengthen skillful communications whenever solution-seeking is on center stage. And that, my friends, is where heightening our listening skills comes into play. We can listen with humility or with the ego but not both.
Each time a hot spot is poked, a defensive attitude sneaks out of your subconscious or mine so naturally that that is when the ego is doing our listening. As this is a natural human reaction, we must tune into the fact that defensiveness was tapped into so our intelligence can choose to fortify itself to listen less defensively, more intuitively—and as you can imagine, creating this change for the better proves to be a step by step learning process. (When we're born, we don't how to add, subtract, multiply or divide numbers. We are taught those processes one step at a time. ) If, as adults, we did not learn to absorb talking and listening skills during childhood, then we have need to remedy that lack of skill for ourselves. Like mathematics, we go from lower skills to higher in a logical fashion.
As deep thinkers work toward conscientiously retiring self defeating (judgmental thought) processes, absorbed during childhood we begin to experience one personal growth spurt after another in that we come to identify our own naturally limbic reactions (google it), which prove in need of taming if we hope to embrace objective thinking patterns that enable us to continue to advance toward making such good use of intuition as to unmask and modify our own subconscious attitudes, repressed insecurities and judgmental traits, which look down in the nose when the vulnerabilities of others are plainly exposed. Whew!
This winning trifecta of courage, humility and knowledge empowers our processors to work toward creating lasting changes that rebalance and equalize the power structure of our relationships once both people examine early life experiences, which had catalyzed you and your partner to develop unhealthy patterns of thought, so thaeach one's mental reorganization process the absorption of rebalanced, emotionally matured patterns of thought serve to improve your relationship with each other—and more importantly, your relationship with yourself as you both approach the future with a newfound ability to continue to enhance loving, healthy, mutually respectful relationships at every stage of life.
As relating this story with accuracy challenges my long term memory to focus upon a heightened degree of objectivity, I’m finding the writing process to be so deeply thoughtful as to become more time consuming than any story I’ve penned thus far. And as such, this story teller’s true tale is not breezing along on the open highway, full speed ahead, fueled by streams of consciousness as had been true of those stories, which had revealed my adult reflections, concerning personal experiences that had shaped my thinking patterns, character traits and sliding self image, during early childhood. And now, having specified sound reasons that caution my intelligence to consider both sides with whatever patience proves necessary so as not to rattle off this story until my connection to impartiality feels intact, here comes another difference that separates this story from those posted in the past ...
Before this story feels readied for publication, Will will have read it and offered his stamp of approval, because he has respectfully been given the right of refusal to expose anything that his present comfort zone deems too personal for public consumption. Why? Because readiness to expose certain aspects of our dark sides (which everyone harbors) does not necessarily emerge from within two people, simultaneously.
On the other hand, I believe my husband’s comfort level, concerning advances achieved in self awareness, has grown to a place where he’ll nix very few personal details which my present comfort level feels free to bare, and here is why I think that is true: Just as I conscientiously continue to work toward identifying, disclosing, owning up to and rewiring the defensive nature of my egocentric vulnerabilities, so does Will. And when friends ask why he’s consented to my writing about our personal lives, Will replies: Annie teaches family communications. And I’m not that guy, anymore. When people ask why I feel compelled to do this, I reply: I’ve been a family communication’s instructor, who has made sound use of storytelling to offer personal examples of my life, which
served to deepen my conscious connection to self awareness. And I've received permission from Will and our sons to include our entire family when offering up examples, concerning personal growth spurts that strengthen individuals and familial relationships at all stages of life.
Lastly, while I’m working to relate this story with as much conscientious attentiveness to objective detail as is humanly possible, it’s highly likely that I’ll continue to post streams of consciousness, concerning whatever is happening in my daily life, as well. So when those posts show up, please don’t think this story is gathering dust on the shelf.
Being a woman, I've been multi-tasking since the young teacher added 'wifery', motherhood and the authoring of articles for magazine publication to my passionate dedication to achieve success within every aspect of my life that continues to require the same level of excellence from my processor as I'd asked of my sons when each one would say that his nightly homework assignments had been completed. So while concentrating on the task at hand, you can count on me to ask myself: Annie, is this your first attempt or are you planning to publish the best work that my processor can offer?
Seriously, as life advances forward from one stage to the next, a person’s sense of privacy may change; however, whether that happens( or when that may happen) is up to each individual's comfort zone to define. As stories about our marriage will reveal details that countless couples would consider secrets, Will’s sense of privacy will be considered as vital as my own.
Having clarified that point concerning privacy, perhaps you can see why writing this story demands whatever time proves necessary as my processor’s connection to intuition experiences sound reason to reconsider specific details, which continue to emerge from distant memory, so that upon making sound use of insight based in hindsight, I can present each of us with as much objectivity as my intelligence has worked to gain so as to describe the ways in which defensive reactions emoting from two egos serve to separate people who love each other into opposing camps. By way of relating this story, I hope to demonstrate why emotional conflicts are exacerbated between loving adults in the absence of skillful communications.
When speaking and listening skills have not been acquired at 'mother’s knee', a child's unidentified fear of disappointing loved ones may experience reason to grow so overwhelming as to silence the self assertive portion of a pleaser's voice at such a young age so that it fails to develop, and when that's the case, here is what results: As opposites attract, a pleaser's life's partner is likely to be a person who has acquired passive aggressive (or overtly aggressive) tendencies during childhood ... as you shall soon see. (BTW: Even now, the think tanks of very few children absorb speaking and listening skills at home. Actually, if more adults absorbed the importance of listening openly and speaking compassionately, the divorce rate would plummet. One day, speaking and listening skills will be learned in school. Why do I believe that? Because, throughout the messed up state of our world, wounded egos are in need of being self-healed before being reined in, and no one can heal the injured portions of your ego or mine without empowering our thought processors with knowledge that is readily available, today, which was not available to my parents.
Classically and sadly, Will and I had no clue as to how often our contrasting defensive attitudes clashed, head on, whenever we'd attempted to work our way through any conflict, most of which proved to be universal and timeless for this classic reason: Once again—common knowledge suggests that throughout the world at large, opposites attract—however, in the absence of talking and listening skills, eventually opposing character traits, which had originally drawn two people together will repel unless personal need to create change for the better (by retiring emotional reactions that got cross-wired during childhood) is identified and actualized on both sides ...
As later in life (mainly after our separation), Will and I chose to read the same psychology texts, concerning the universality of human emotions, autonomic reactions of the nervous system and contrasting behavioral patterns. We also chose to spend copious amounts of time (and $) with therapists, whose expertise was devoted to family practice.
With time, our ability to absorb ever-deepening levels of self awareness with humility intact saw both of us gaining insight into this fact: Heightening levels of emotional maturity require that each person grows toward recognizing those times when conflict resolution depends upon both people consciously placing their egos in time out. Once two ego s have been subdued, solution-seeking leans much more toward the thought processor's connection to intelligence and much less toward defensive reactiveness, because both sides know to muster the courage to listen in depth to each other's point of view in hopes of brainstorming, together, with humility intact so as to identify and openly admit to one's own mistakes in judgment (to which our egos had been blind).
When two people aim to improve our relationships by identifying and rewiring less desirable character traits (which had shaped up, subconsciously, during less mature stages of life), then we can see how clashing egos may run interference with achieving such an admirable goal. Though Will and I have both made sweeping advances in terms of openly embracing dual need for personal growth spurts so as to continue to stride toward heightening levels of emotional maturity, this story is the first one that I’ve ever written, exposing defensive character traits (on both sides) to which Will and I were unaware throughout the first twenty-five years of our marriage.
Once a person’s intelligence masters the courage and humility to work toward conscientiously setting the ego aside so as to summon intuitive trains of thought that mine his/her subconscious for negatively focused attitudes, absorbed during childhood, that's when we begin to see our own egocentric, judgmental character traits that prohibit our smarts to work determinedly toward resolving long standing conflicts so respectfully as to create lasting changes for the better within every relationship that we partake in. And here is why that's true: One change creates another, so that, ever so slowly, little by little, negative cycles reverse.
As you can see, the ego's id is in need of being placed to one side if our mental connection to intelligence is to embrace the humility that proves necessary to strengthen skillful communications whenever solution-seeking is on center stage. And that, my friends, is where heightening our listening skills comes into play. We can listen with humility or with the ego but not both.
Each time a hot spot is poked, a defensive attitude sneaks out of your subconscious or mine so naturally that that is when the ego is doing our listening. As this is a natural human reaction, we must tune into the fact that defensiveness was tapped into so our intelligence can choose to fortify itself to listen less defensively, more intuitively—and as you can imagine, creating this change for the better proves to be a step by step learning process. (When we're born, we don't how to add, subtract, multiply or divide numbers. We are taught those processes one step at a time. ) If, as adults, we did not learn to absorb talking and listening skills during childhood, then we have need to remedy that lack of skill for ourselves. Like mathematics, we go from lower skills to higher in a logical fashion.
As deep thinkers work toward conscientiously retiring self defeating (judgmental thought) processes, absorbed during childhood we begin to experience one personal growth spurt after another in that we come to identify our own naturally limbic reactions (google it), which prove in need of taming if we hope to embrace objective thinking patterns that enable us to continue to advance toward making such good use of intuition as to unmask and modify our own subconscious attitudes, repressed insecurities and judgmental traits, which look down in the nose when the vulnerabilities of others are plainly exposed. Whew!
This winning trifecta of courage, humility and knowledge empowers our processors to work toward creating lasting changes that rebalance and equalize the power structure of our relationships once both people examine early life experiences, which had catalyzed you and your partner to develop unhealthy patterns of thought, so thaeach one's mental reorganization process the absorption of rebalanced, emotionally matured patterns of thought serve to improve your relationship with each other—and more importantly, your relationship with yourself as you both approach the future with a newfound ability to continue to enhance loving, healthy, mutually respectful relationships at every stage of life.
As relating this story with accuracy challenges my long term memory to focus upon a heightened degree of objectivity, I’m finding the writing process to be so deeply thoughtful as to become more time consuming than any story I’ve penned thus far. And as such, this story teller’s true tale is not breezing along on the open highway, full speed ahead, fueled by streams of consciousness as had been true of those stories, which had revealed my adult reflections, concerning personal experiences that had shaped my thinking patterns, character traits and sliding self image, during early childhood. And now, having specified sound reasons that caution my intelligence to consider both sides with whatever patience proves necessary so as not to rattle off this story until my connection to impartiality feels intact, here comes another difference that separates this story from those posted in the past ...
Before this story feels readied for publication, Will will have read it and offered his stamp of approval, because he has respectfully been given the right of refusal to expose anything that his present comfort zone deems too personal for public consumption. Why? Because readiness to expose certain aspects of our dark sides (which everyone harbors) does not necessarily emerge from within two people, simultaneously.
On the other hand, I believe my husband’s comfort level, concerning advances achieved in self awareness, has grown to a place where he’ll nix very few personal details which my present comfort level feels free to bare, and here is why I think that is true: Just as I conscientiously continue to work toward identifying, disclosing, owning up to and rewiring the defensive nature of my egocentric vulnerabilities, so does Will. And when friends ask why he’s consented to my writing about our personal lives, Will replies: Annie teaches family communications. And I’m not that guy, anymore. When people ask why I feel compelled to do this, I reply: I’ve been a family communication’s instructor, who has made sound use of storytelling to offer personal examples of my life, which
served to deepen my conscious connection to self awareness. And I've received permission from Will and our sons to include our entire family when offering up examples, concerning personal growth spurts that strengthen individuals and familial relationships at all stages of life.
Lastly, while I’m working to relate this story with as much conscientious attentiveness to objective detail as is humanly possible, it’s highly likely that I’ll continue to post streams of consciousness, concerning whatever is happening in my daily life, as well. So when those posts show up, please don’t think this story is gathering dust on the shelf.
Being a woman, I've been multi-tasking since the young teacher added 'wifery', motherhood and the authoring of articles for magazine publication to my passionate dedication to achieve success within every aspect of my life that continues to require the same level of excellence from my processor as I'd asked of my sons when each one would say that his nightly homework assignments had been completed. So while concentrating on the task at hand, you can count on me to ask myself: Annie, is this your first attempt or are you planning to publish the best work that my processor can offer?
Thursday, January 25, 2018
CHANGE FOR THE BETTER: I CHOOSE NOT TO BEAT MYSELF UP
Each person’s vulnerability to insecurity is based in situational experiences occurring during childhood, which have remained emotionally unresolved (and if the experience truly traumatized you, the entire experience or your reaction to it will have been 'forgotten', because denying that it happened or that it affected you terribly differentiates a traumatizing experience from a frightening one). When anything you are doing, today, pokes subconsciously at any aspect of yesteryear’s traumatic experience, your internal reaction will replay the same red hot reaction as had been true when the original experience had fired up your fury or fear (of failure or abandonment). And if whatever happened back then aroused feelings of worthlessness or guilt of reprehensible behavior, you’ll feel worthless and guilty, again. Please keep that insight in mind as today's intuitive train of thought moves forward toward the next:
If your subconsciously repressed insecurity is based in one aspect of life while mine is based in another, then it’s likely that your fear (or anger) and mine will not be aroused at the very same time. And so, if, one of us feels self confident, during conflict, while the other is quaking with repressed anger or fear, leaking out, today’s reaction that seems irrationally over-reactive is actually due to latent anxiety spiking from within your subconscious (or mine), and once we understand that complication, concerning the eruptive force of unidentified insecurity, then what’s to be gained from raining harsh judgments down onto the head of a person, whose mind and spirit are apparently carrying a subconsciously repressed, emotional weight to which he or she may be totally blind and utterly unaware of harboring?
No matter how well we come to know each other and oneself, no one has x-ray vision to see through walls of denial, behind which lurks one’s own subconscious fears, frustrations and furies, any more than we can see into the deep dark pockets of another person's repressed anxieties, and thus—there’s always more to learn about why you act this way when I act that way, suggesting why compassionate questions (even after one feels insulted) will carry us forward toward resolving irrational conflicts than if we release our defense system’s to cast disparaging judgements, back and forth, thus adding weight to a pair of negatively focused attitudes with which we butt heads and end up creating stalemates whenever our defensive choice of words lights a match to each other’s subconscious hot spots, exacerbating power struggles in which bullish horns feel challenged to be sharpened and bared in readiness to do battle for moral high ground or emotional dominance with no chance at all to resolve the original conflict with a well thought out plan, resulting in win/win. Whew!
As I tell my sons ... when everyone else is hotheaded, and you feel as though one more insult to your intelligence will tear your smarts apart at the seams, releasing your inner bull to snort, bellow and lower its horns, that's when we make sound use of our inner line of control by taking a time out, if necessary, right on the spot, to rebalance, reorganize and calm your mind so as to lead yourself to think smart so S to react more logically with most of your intelligence intact. In short, when everyone else’s thoughts are running in circles like chickens without heads, that's not the time to let your ego feel so superior as to get so foxy as to out fox yourself—that is the time to call forth your calming leadership skills in hopes of preventing a situation from going from bad to worse. Sometimes, change for the better has to settle for nothing more than calming the uproar of tension that zings through the air once one person's red button feels reason to flare before your red button pops its lid, as well ...
This suggests that I still appreciate having consciously trained my line of control to come to my aid whenever the think tanks of others have gotten so hot so fast as to boil their smarts in oil rendering their processors to feel so overwhelmed with rolling emotion as to be incapable, at that moment, to think smart instead of think attack. My problem does arise when in the heat of conflict with others. my line of control has become so masterful that I have no clue as to when it doubles up with my persona's wall of denial so that whatever I fear, consciously, today, combines with yesteryear's unresolved anxiety due to an uprising of subconscious insecurity, and after today’s confrontation is over, I feel a tsunami-like wave of fear or anger erupt from deep inside that feels so immense as to flood over my defensive wall of denial, knocking down my well groomed persona, so that no one is more surprised than me to see my pent up storehouse of vitriolic emotion suddenly spewing forth, gushing like a hydrant, whose internal pressure has grown so great as to pop its lid, releasing a geyser of fear or anger or both that spikes so high as to see me sweat, drenching every particle of courage away as rapidly as the quickened beat of my heart shatters my processor’s connection to common sense, which, now that I’m safely alone with my fear, is swept straight out of my brain. Oy! Generally, this Delayed emotional reaction results in the aftermath of a conflict with a person who’d felt need to intimidate my think tank so as to dominate my trains of thoughts, so thank goodness, during the heat of conflict, my well trained line of control rarely fails me ... suggesting why I can save myself from falling apart until I’m alone, at which time my repressed anxiety/anger freely gushes forth. And that’s not a bad thing if I realize that it’s the haunting nature of yesteryear’s unresolved anxiety that’s scaring me, today. To tell you the truth, I’ve never seen that insight, concerning my delYed reaction, as clearly as I do, right now, having written it down. This is important, because the next time I feel exceptionally scared or angry in the aftermath of a conflict with a person I value highly, I’ll remember today’s insight and stop feeling that, somehow, I’m going to pay for having stood my ground by opening my mouth and respectfully having my say with my intelligence leading the way. In short, my voice has finally mustered the adult strength to speak my mind above a squeak without arousing the child within, who worries about being sent to my room if I so much as speak back to another person’s voice of authority. I mean, what pleaser, whose lack of self worth would do that! Double whew! Wow, this insight is huge!!
Thank goodness, insight, concerning my trifecta of subconscious insecurities, surfaced as a unit earlier in the week. I say that because had that not been the case, I’d be beating myself up, subconsciously, for sure, instead of driving this train of insight-ladened thought from one paragraph to the next until intuition suggests that today’s stream of consciousness is ready to pull into the station where today’s Post will prove ready for publication, and here’s why I know that had the trifecta not shown up, earlier in the week, I’d be beating my self worth black and blue, today:
Will was scheduled for oral surgery, which would have taken place this morning
Upon my return from the doctor, my husband called
His oral surgeon to postpone his surgery, because rather than
My taking care of him, over the next few days as planned
Will will still be taking care of me—and that turn about rouses my
Insecurity of feeling worthless if I'm supposed to take care of a loved one
But can't—the irrationality of whipping myself for being ill makes sense to
My adult conscious mind, and with a session of EMDR, hopefully
My therapist and I will work on healing me from beating myself up for
"Disappointing' Will—who, thoughtfully, did not 'act out' his disappointment
Though my intuitive powers could not be fooled into believing that he’d felt
100% okay with postponement—thankfully, I made good use of
My voice to let him know that I was giving myself a hard time while
He did not—and as we talked and commiserated about his feelings and mine
The inner tension, based in my feeling unworthy of his love, which
I became aware of as soon as my self-defeating feeling arose, irrationally
From deep within myself, began to subside, and as my intuitive powers took
Command over both sides of my brain, offering me insight into
My childish insecurity, my adult connection to kindness and compassion
Arose to silently calm that insecure portion of my self esteem off of
The ledge where self demeaning trains of thought had previously
Pushed me to isolate myself and my vulnerabilities into
A solitary dungeon of my own making ... and as situations, like
This one pinpoint exactly what I'd wanted to discuss with
My therapist, it is reassuring to know that the bright side of
My processor saw fit to cancel that appointment in
Favor of seeing my internist, because the Z-pak is already
Making short work of the bacterial infection that attacked
My bronchia as a complication of the Flu—I know this as true
Because more energy is flowing through me than I've felt
For weeks, suggesting (hopefully) that my immune system has
Foiled the Flu and is now bolstering the Z-Pak that's at work
Diminishing the invasion of gazillions of bacteria within
My breathing space—in fact, when Will arrived home from
Grocery shopping, a short while ago, he and I enjoyed
A short walk in the sunshine—something that
I've not had the energy to do for weeks, and
In addition to that change for the better, rather than
Penning this post on my iPad while lying prone in my bed
I've been sitting at my computer, suggesting
My head is holding itself upright, once again, on my neck
Had my trifecta of lifelong insecurities not surfaced and
Shown themselves to me when I had need to think smart
I'd surely have subconsciously beat myself up, feeling that
The postponement of Will's surgery was 'my fault'
And had I faulted myself, no one but me would have
Stripped my self image of self respect by tying
My naked vulnerabilities to a whipping post, where
My lack of super human strength would have lashed me with
Undeserved guilt due to my feeling unworthy of
My husband’s loving attentiveness, since
It was supposed to be my turn to take loving care of him, and
Here’s where the irrationality of a brain injured during
Early childhood by PTSD would have come into play, locking up
My intelligent connection to logic within
The tunnel-like dungeon of my mind where
Self disparaging trains of thoughts would have sucker punched
My strength of spirit had my intuitive powers not consciously
Coached my processor’s connection to insight to
Pen those posts, thus spotlighting my greatest vulnerabilities so
As to signal my conscious awareness to get a grip on
The fact that rather than healing from the flu, I was, somehow, taking
A turn for the worse, and had I not penned those posts
I would have been so angry with myself for 'letting Will down' that
I would have felt as unlovable as had been true when I was three
In the aftermath of my baby sister's death, when a little girl had
Need of reassurance but none of the deeply aggrieved adults had
A clue of the fact that during the terrible months ahead, I'd felt so unloved
And emotionally abandoned as to have developed a worry, concerning
My being unlovable unless I was taking good care of
Other people’s needs ... and when we feel unloveable it is common to
Feel that others can’t find much to love about us, as well, and so
As is true of every vicious cycle, when your brain's dark (subconscious)
Side leaps forth to shadow your bright (conscious) side, and you can’t see much
Worth loving about yourself, you, too, become your worst enemy just as
I would have been mine had previous sessions of EMDR therapy not
Set my thinking cap on the right track toward conveying
My self image back to center whenever the next arousal of
Subconscious insecurity creates a state of static-like havoc within
My present frame of mind, creating a train wreck of my private thoughts
And so—at times when unresolved repressed insecurity is the culprit that
Creates my darkening frame of mind, deeming me guilty of not being
As super human as my ego would have me believe is true
Hanging on to my self respect and self love comes hard, blinding me to
Darken my own most lovable traits, which have developed, over
My lifetime, which I know is true, because most everyone who
Loves and respects me just as I am apparently love me more than
I love myself —and if you ask why I’d pressured myself to
Get well—well, I'd reply:
For the past several days, Will kept asking me if I thought
I’d feel well enough to drive him home from the periodontist and
Take care of him in the aftermath of his oral surgery—so—for days
I’ve been reassuring him (and me) that I’ll be able to do that very thing as if
The strength of my positively focused attitude is a super power that
Is empowered to conduct my recovery full speed ahead by
The sheer will of my heartfelt determination to take good care of him
However, as the days continued to pass, and my recovery stalled
My intuition coached me to write those posts, which
Brought the trifecta of my greatest, self defeating vulnerabilities
Out into the open, so that the egocentric portion of my mind could
No longer hide the truth of my very real, physical vulnerability behind
My wall of emotional denial, and in addition to coaching
My smarts to write those posts my intuitive powers directed me to
Reread my own insight driven trains of thought, again and again, leading
Me to ask in hindsight—had my brain's intuitive powers been in tune with
The fact that my immune system had begun to do battle with
The tag team of virus compounded by the buildup of bacteria, infecting
My bronchial tract? Your guess, concerning the countless capabilities of
The human brain (which oversees the general welfare of each human being) is
As good as mine—so all that my limited knowledge can say for certain is this:
Somehow, my intuition directed my processor to pen those posts in such
A timely as fashion as to offer my self awareness reason to absorb
Those specific trains of thought more consciously than ever before
And therefore, my strength of spirit, rather than wilting, stood up and
Encouraged the conscious portion of my think tank to
Choose an emotional reaction and make sound use of my voice so as
Not to chastise myself with so little mercy as to beat up
My human vulnerability to infectious complications, which are
Filling hospital beds with patients, fighting pneumonia, which, hopefully
My decision-maker has staved off, and if you ask what would have
Been my reaction to bacterial infection had those posts not been
Written before Will felt need to call the oral surgeon to postpone his surgery
Well, I have a feeling that subconscious insecurity, still in need of healing
Might have beat my spirit up, pretty soundly—
Thank goodness, Will’s loving, well-balanced approach to
Problem solving matches mine, as we've both engaged in
Therapy for years, ever since our separation catalyzed us to
Feel need to follow Socrates' advice: Know thyself
Suggesting why both he and I continue to choose to learn
More about the role played by insecurities, which, remaining
Unhealed, still have the power to create emotional havoc within
Both of our minds—you see, I know how much he’s looked forward to
Getting past this surgery and the painful recovery to follow, suggesting
That I knew, full well, that Will was swallowing his disappointment
For my sake—As Will knows how crushing it is for me to disappoint
Anyone I love, my husband knew to say, reassuringly, ‘Annie, don’t beat
Yourself up for being too ill to take care of me—this is beyond
Your control and mine as well—and I can’t tell you how much
Those words, based in love and generosity of spirit, meant to
One such as me, who, though my smarts fully agreed, had need to
Hear my husband say exactly that so as to encourage my smarts to
Lock up my lifelong habit of self flagellation, which
In the past would have dominated my think tank so quickly as to
Have knocked my smarts right out of my conscious mind ...
And in addition to PTSD arising from within the injured portion of
My self image to punch the lights out of my smarts for
My temporary inability to take care of Will, this week
Celina was diagnosed with need to surgically remove
Her uterus, which has swelled to five times its normal size
And due to the size of the swelling, laproscopic surgery is
Not an option, so she’s facing an open surgery followed by
A two month recovery ...
Her surgery is scheduled for this coming Monday, and here I am
Contagious and bedridden, unable to take care of
Will or Ravi while my daughter-in-law (who is on
Pain medication) awaits her surgery ...
Had all of this happened before my intuitive directive fully
Expose my trifecta of self demeaning life long vulnerabilities
I'm certain that repressed insecurity would have manifested
Itself as anxiety, based in inner conflict (self love vs. self hate)
Every bit as irrationally as pressuring myself to muster more energy to
Smite these infections, perhaps causing a rise in my blood pressure due to
Having subconsciously condemned myself of being incapable of
Helping, therefore deeming myself unworthy of love ...
So you can see why, today, most especially
I feel peacefully relieved to say that rather than beating myself up
I have sound reason to thank my good fortune for having chosen
A life's path upon which my processor has been empowered to
Embrace each personal growth spurt, which has enabled my
Growing sense of wholeness to expand, naturally, graciously and
Faithfully by directing my connection to self awareness to follow
My power of intuition’s relentless determination to
Seek out professional help until the existential path that
I’ve carved for myself intersected with the path of a therapist (versed
In EMDR), whose expertise in this specific aspect of psychology has been
Conscientiously, compassionately and successfully guiding
My inner need to heal the deeply injured portions of my self image from
Succumbing to future episodic uprising of latent anxiety, based in
PPTSD, and ...
If you ask how my intuitive powers called upon hindsight to
Awaken my connection to insight, which offered me
The foresight to pen those posts, spotlighting my trifecta of
Emotional vulnerabilities, which lined up in such a timely fashion as to
Offer my conscious mind sound reason to take
This week’s leap of faith away from the ledge so that logical thought
Saw me cancelling my therapist in favor of seeing my internist
I have a story to tell you when next we meet ...
As for now, I’m in need of electrolyte water to drink and protein to eat ...
If your subconsciously repressed insecurity is based in one aspect of life while mine is based in another, then it’s likely that your fear (or anger) and mine will not be aroused at the very same time. And so, if, one of us feels self confident, during conflict, while the other is quaking with repressed anger or fear, leaking out, today’s reaction that seems irrationally over-reactive is actually due to latent anxiety spiking from within your subconscious (or mine), and once we understand that complication, concerning the eruptive force of unidentified insecurity, then what’s to be gained from raining harsh judgments down onto the head of a person, whose mind and spirit are apparently carrying a subconsciously repressed, emotional weight to which he or she may be totally blind and utterly unaware of harboring?
No matter how well we come to know each other and oneself, no one has x-ray vision to see through walls of denial, behind which lurks one’s own subconscious fears, frustrations and furies, any more than we can see into the deep dark pockets of another person's repressed anxieties, and thus—there’s always more to learn about why you act this way when I act that way, suggesting why compassionate questions (even after one feels insulted) will carry us forward toward resolving irrational conflicts than if we release our defense system’s to cast disparaging judgements, back and forth, thus adding weight to a pair of negatively focused attitudes with which we butt heads and end up creating stalemates whenever our defensive choice of words lights a match to each other’s subconscious hot spots, exacerbating power struggles in which bullish horns feel challenged to be sharpened and bared in readiness to do battle for moral high ground or emotional dominance with no chance at all to resolve the original conflict with a well thought out plan, resulting in win/win. Whew!
As I tell my sons ... when everyone else is hotheaded, and you feel as though one more insult to your intelligence will tear your smarts apart at the seams, releasing your inner bull to snort, bellow and lower its horns, that's when we make sound use of our inner line of control by taking a time out, if necessary, right on the spot, to rebalance, reorganize and calm your mind so as to lead yourself to think smart so S to react more logically with most of your intelligence intact. In short, when everyone else’s thoughts are running in circles like chickens without heads, that's not the time to let your ego feel so superior as to get so foxy as to out fox yourself—that is the time to call forth your calming leadership skills in hopes of preventing a situation from going from bad to worse. Sometimes, change for the better has to settle for nothing more than calming the uproar of tension that zings through the air once one person's red button feels reason to flare before your red button pops its lid, as well ...
This suggests that I still appreciate having consciously trained my line of control to come to my aid whenever the think tanks of others have gotten so hot so fast as to boil their smarts in oil rendering their processors to feel so overwhelmed with rolling emotion as to be incapable, at that moment, to think smart instead of think attack. My problem does arise when in the heat of conflict with others. my line of control has become so masterful that I have no clue as to when it doubles up with my persona's wall of denial so that whatever I fear, consciously, today, combines with yesteryear's unresolved anxiety due to an uprising of subconscious insecurity, and after today’s confrontation is over, I feel a tsunami-like wave of fear or anger erupt from deep inside that feels so immense as to flood over my defensive wall of denial, knocking down my well groomed persona, so that no one is more surprised than me to see my pent up storehouse of vitriolic emotion suddenly spewing forth, gushing like a hydrant, whose internal pressure has grown so great as to pop its lid, releasing a geyser of fear or anger or both that spikes so high as to see me sweat, drenching every particle of courage away as rapidly as the quickened beat of my heart shatters my processor’s connection to common sense, which, now that I’m safely alone with my fear, is swept straight out of my brain. Oy! Generally, this Delayed emotional reaction results in the aftermath of a conflict with a person who’d felt need to intimidate my think tank so as to dominate my trains of thoughts, so thank goodness, during the heat of conflict, my well trained line of control rarely fails me ... suggesting why I can save myself from falling apart until I’m alone, at which time my repressed anxiety/anger freely gushes forth. And that’s not a bad thing if I realize that it’s the haunting nature of yesteryear’s unresolved anxiety that’s scaring me, today. To tell you the truth, I’ve never seen that insight, concerning my delYed reaction, as clearly as I do, right now, having written it down. This is important, because the next time I feel exceptionally scared or angry in the aftermath of a conflict with a person I value highly, I’ll remember today’s insight and stop feeling that, somehow, I’m going to pay for having stood my ground by opening my mouth and respectfully having my say with my intelligence leading the way. In short, my voice has finally mustered the adult strength to speak my mind above a squeak without arousing the child within, who worries about being sent to my room if I so much as speak back to another person’s voice of authority. I mean, what pleaser, whose lack of self worth would do that! Double whew! Wow, this insight is huge!!
Thank goodness, insight, concerning my trifecta of subconscious insecurities, surfaced as a unit earlier in the week. I say that because had that not been the case, I’d be beating myself up, subconsciously, for sure, instead of driving this train of insight-ladened thought from one paragraph to the next until intuition suggests that today’s stream of consciousness is ready to pull into the station where today’s Post will prove ready for publication, and here’s why I know that had the trifecta not shown up, earlier in the week, I’d be beating my self worth black and blue, today:
Will was scheduled for oral surgery, which would have taken place this morning
Upon my return from the doctor, my husband called
His oral surgeon to postpone his surgery, because rather than
My taking care of him, over the next few days as planned
Will will still be taking care of me—and that turn about rouses my
Insecurity of feeling worthless if I'm supposed to take care of a loved one
But can't—the irrationality of whipping myself for being ill makes sense to
My adult conscious mind, and with a session of EMDR, hopefully
My therapist and I will work on healing me from beating myself up for
"Disappointing' Will—who, thoughtfully, did not 'act out' his disappointment
Though my intuitive powers could not be fooled into believing that he’d felt
100% okay with postponement—thankfully, I made good use of
My voice to let him know that I was giving myself a hard time while
He did not—and as we talked and commiserated about his feelings and mine
The inner tension, based in my feeling unworthy of his love, which
I became aware of as soon as my self-defeating feeling arose, irrationally
From deep within myself, began to subside, and as my intuitive powers took
Command over both sides of my brain, offering me insight into
My childish insecurity, my adult connection to kindness and compassion
Arose to silently calm that insecure portion of my self esteem off of
The ledge where self demeaning trains of thought had previously
Pushed me to isolate myself and my vulnerabilities into
A solitary dungeon of my own making ... and as situations, like
This one pinpoint exactly what I'd wanted to discuss with
My therapist, it is reassuring to know that the bright side of
My processor saw fit to cancel that appointment in
Favor of seeing my internist, because the Z-pak is already
Making short work of the bacterial infection that attacked
My bronchia as a complication of the Flu—I know this as true
Because more energy is flowing through me than I've felt
For weeks, suggesting (hopefully) that my immune system has
Foiled the Flu and is now bolstering the Z-Pak that's at work
Diminishing the invasion of gazillions of bacteria within
My breathing space—in fact, when Will arrived home from
Grocery shopping, a short while ago, he and I enjoyed
A short walk in the sunshine—something that
I've not had the energy to do for weeks, and
In addition to that change for the better, rather than
Penning this post on my iPad while lying prone in my bed
I've been sitting at my computer, suggesting
My head is holding itself upright, once again, on my neck
Had my trifecta of lifelong insecurities not surfaced and
Shown themselves to me when I had need to think smart
I'd surely have subconsciously beat myself up, feeling that
The postponement of Will's surgery was 'my fault'
And had I faulted myself, no one but me would have
Stripped my self image of self respect by tying
My naked vulnerabilities to a whipping post, where
My lack of super human strength would have lashed me with
Undeserved guilt due to my feeling unworthy of
My husband’s loving attentiveness, since
It was supposed to be my turn to take loving care of him, and
Here’s where the irrationality of a brain injured during
Early childhood by PTSD would have come into play, locking up
My intelligent connection to logic within
The tunnel-like dungeon of my mind where
Self disparaging trains of thoughts would have sucker punched
My strength of spirit had my intuitive powers not consciously
Coached my processor’s connection to insight to
Pen those posts, thus spotlighting my greatest vulnerabilities so
As to signal my conscious awareness to get a grip on
The fact that rather than healing from the flu, I was, somehow, taking
A turn for the worse, and had I not penned those posts
I would have been so angry with myself for 'letting Will down' that
I would have felt as unlovable as had been true when I was three
In the aftermath of my baby sister's death, when a little girl had
Need of reassurance but none of the deeply aggrieved adults had
A clue of the fact that during the terrible months ahead, I'd felt so unloved
And emotionally abandoned as to have developed a worry, concerning
My being unlovable unless I was taking good care of
Other people’s needs ... and when we feel unloveable it is common to
Feel that others can’t find much to love about us, as well, and so
As is true of every vicious cycle, when your brain's dark (subconscious)
Side leaps forth to shadow your bright (conscious) side, and you can’t see much
Worth loving about yourself, you, too, become your worst enemy just as
I would have been mine had previous sessions of EMDR therapy not
Set my thinking cap on the right track toward conveying
My self image back to center whenever the next arousal of
Subconscious insecurity creates a state of static-like havoc within
My present frame of mind, creating a train wreck of my private thoughts
And so—at times when unresolved repressed insecurity is the culprit that
Creates my darkening frame of mind, deeming me guilty of not being
As super human as my ego would have me believe is true
Hanging on to my self respect and self love comes hard, blinding me to
Darken my own most lovable traits, which have developed, over
My lifetime, which I know is true, because most everyone who
Loves and respects me just as I am apparently love me more than
I love myself —and if you ask why I’d pressured myself to
Get well—well, I'd reply:
For the past several days, Will kept asking me if I thought
I’d feel well enough to drive him home from the periodontist and
Take care of him in the aftermath of his oral surgery—so—for days
I’ve been reassuring him (and me) that I’ll be able to do that very thing as if
The strength of my positively focused attitude is a super power that
Is empowered to conduct my recovery full speed ahead by
The sheer will of my heartfelt determination to take good care of him
However, as the days continued to pass, and my recovery stalled
My intuition coached me to write those posts, which
Brought the trifecta of my greatest, self defeating vulnerabilities
Out into the open, so that the egocentric portion of my mind could
No longer hide the truth of my very real, physical vulnerability behind
My wall of emotional denial, and in addition to coaching
My smarts to write those posts my intuitive powers directed me to
Reread my own insight driven trains of thought, again and again, leading
Me to ask in hindsight—had my brain's intuitive powers been in tune with
The fact that my immune system had begun to do battle with
The tag team of virus compounded by the buildup of bacteria, infecting
My bronchial tract? Your guess, concerning the countless capabilities of
The human brain (which oversees the general welfare of each human being) is
As good as mine—so all that my limited knowledge can say for certain is this:
Somehow, my intuition directed my processor to pen those posts in such
A timely as fashion as to offer my self awareness reason to absorb
Those specific trains of thought more consciously than ever before
And therefore, my strength of spirit, rather than wilting, stood up and
Encouraged the conscious portion of my think tank to
Choose an emotional reaction and make sound use of my voice so as
Not to chastise myself with so little mercy as to beat up
My human vulnerability to infectious complications, which are
Filling hospital beds with patients, fighting pneumonia, which, hopefully
My decision-maker has staved off, and if you ask what would have
Been my reaction to bacterial infection had those posts not been
Written before Will felt need to call the oral surgeon to postpone his surgery
Well, I have a feeling that subconscious insecurity, still in need of healing
Might have beat my spirit up, pretty soundly—
Thank goodness, Will’s loving, well-balanced approach to
Problem solving matches mine, as we've both engaged in
Therapy for years, ever since our separation catalyzed us to
Feel need to follow Socrates' advice: Know thyself
Suggesting why both he and I continue to choose to learn
More about the role played by insecurities, which, remaining
Unhealed, still have the power to create emotional havoc within
Both of our minds—you see, I know how much he’s looked forward to
Getting past this surgery and the painful recovery to follow, suggesting
That I knew, full well, that Will was swallowing his disappointment
For my sake—As Will knows how crushing it is for me to disappoint
Anyone I love, my husband knew to say, reassuringly, ‘Annie, don’t beat
Yourself up for being too ill to take care of me—this is beyond
Your control and mine as well—and I can’t tell you how much
Those words, based in love and generosity of spirit, meant to
One such as me, who, though my smarts fully agreed, had need to
Hear my husband say exactly that so as to encourage my smarts to
Lock up my lifelong habit of self flagellation, which
In the past would have dominated my think tank so quickly as to
Have knocked my smarts right out of my conscious mind ...
And in addition to PTSD arising from within the injured portion of
My self image to punch the lights out of my smarts for
My temporary inability to take care of Will, this week
Celina was diagnosed with need to surgically remove
Her uterus, which has swelled to five times its normal size
And due to the size of the swelling, laproscopic surgery is
Not an option, so she’s facing an open surgery followed by
A two month recovery ...
Her surgery is scheduled for this coming Monday, and here I am
Contagious and bedridden, unable to take care of
Will or Ravi while my daughter-in-law (who is on
Pain medication) awaits her surgery ...
Had all of this happened before my intuitive directive fully
Expose my trifecta of self demeaning life long vulnerabilities
I'm certain that repressed insecurity would have manifested
Itself as anxiety, based in inner conflict (self love vs. self hate)
Every bit as irrationally as pressuring myself to muster more energy to
Smite these infections, perhaps causing a rise in my blood pressure due to
Having subconsciously condemned myself of being incapable of
Helping, therefore deeming myself unworthy of love ...
So you can see why, today, most especially
I feel peacefully relieved to say that rather than beating myself up
I have sound reason to thank my good fortune for having chosen
A life's path upon which my processor has been empowered to
Embrace each personal growth spurt, which has enabled my
Growing sense of wholeness to expand, naturally, graciously and
Faithfully by directing my connection to self awareness to follow
My power of intuition’s relentless determination to
Seek out professional help until the existential path that
I’ve carved for myself intersected with the path of a therapist (versed
In EMDR), whose expertise in this specific aspect of psychology has been
Conscientiously, compassionately and successfully guiding
My inner need to heal the deeply injured portions of my self image from
Succumbing to future episodic uprising of latent anxiety, based in
PPTSD, and ...
If you ask how my intuitive powers called upon hindsight to
Awaken my connection to insight, which offered me
The foresight to pen those posts, spotlighting my trifecta of
Emotional vulnerabilities, which lined up in such a timely fashion as to
Offer my conscious mind sound reason to take
This week’s leap of faith away from the ledge so that logical thought
Saw me cancelling my therapist in favor of seeing my internist
I have a story to tell you when next we meet ...
As for now, I’m in need of electrolyte water to drink and protein to eat ...
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
RETURNED TO THE DOCTOR, GOOGLED FLU
First things first:
Yesterday’s post was in need of simplifying by way of editing. So editing is what I did, upon awakening, late last night. And now, moving forward ...
Thought I was getting over the flu. Yesterday, I had reason to think otherwise. Apparently, my original thought missed the target, because, I got to feeling feverish, dizzied and my cough returned, and coughing up mucus, which is not even close to clear, indicates that rather than being down for the count, infection is challenging my immune system to go another round ...
So after cancelling my appointment with my therapist, back to the doctor I went after Angie offered to drive me (would I have asked for her help? Unlikely, because my dear friend has need to work full time). Fortunately, Angie offered, knowing that Will was scheduled to report his professional findings at
The Industrial Commission, yesterday afternoon. So, upon returning home with a Z-Pak in hand, I began to combat a bacterial infection, which is currently attacking the bronchial network of my lungs while my immune system remains preoccupied battling the flu virus. Geez!
As you know, when not napping, I tether my brain to two life lines, each of which saves my sanity from drowning in mental sludge.
While awake, I’m most assuredly reading or writing, so, after the doctor told me to eat more and go back to bed, I ate a banana, drank water with electrolytes and googled The Flu, and the rest of this post will quote that which I’ve sought to learn about this fierce strain of virus that’s driving droves of people into doctors’ offices, across the nation:
“It's not the virus that makes you feel miserable. The misery stems from inflammation, the result of an immune system in "code red!" All of your body's energy is being used to slay the flu; you can hardly muster the energy to walk to the bathroom.
To keep dead cell debris from clogging up your lungs, you develop a dry cough. Your throat starts to ache from the irritation, which can trigger a release of mucus. A saline nasal flush might help.
The only things that can really help you now, are your
antibodies and T cells, which are locking on to their targets. You're stuck in bed. (If you started taking prescription Tamiflu right away, you might recover a bit faster; otherwise, don't bother with vitamin C or other OTC fix-its. Stick with tons of fluids and rest.)
antibodies and T cells, which are locking on to their targets. You're stuck in bed. (If you started taking prescription Tamiflu right away, you might recover a bit faster; otherwise, don't bother with vitamin C or other OTC fix-its. Stick with tons of fluids and rest.)
If you're really unlucky, normally harmless throat bacteria have descended into your lungs to feed on dead cell remnants, putting you at risk for pneumonia. (Good thing I chose to see the doctor, today.). After about a week or two,
assuming you've escaped pneumonia, your immune system finally stamps out the flu virus. Whew. Your inflammation slowly subsides, as do your symptoms. But you may still be contagious for a day or two more--and it may take another week to feel like your normal, healthy self. Moving forward,
Wash your hands. It's the single best way you can fend off a new flu virus. Scrub your mitts with soap under running water for at least 20 seconds after shaking hands with people or touching communal stuff like a bathroom stall.
Sources: David Greenberg, M.D., Sanofi Pasteur; Walter Orenstein, M.D., Emory University School of Medicine; Flor Munoz, M.D., Baylor College of Medicine; William Schaffner, M.D., Vanderbilt University School of Medicine
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
THE MERGING OF A TRIFECTA OF AWARENESSES
Yesterday’s insight-driven train of thought pulled a trilogy of personal vulnerabilities into a station where yesteryear’s emotional storehouse of baggage is still in need of being methodically unpacked so that my intelligence can get to work mending the Great Divide that tore my self esteem into two opposing parts at the age of three, suggesting that two Annies, one as Consciously courageous as the other proves Subconsciously fearful, have taken turns controlling my mind, spirit and body, and now that both have grown to care so much about one another’s welfare as to work as a unit toward knitting together the frayed edges of their boundaries so as to make good use of the years that lie directly ahead by asking my therapist to guide me to piece together a quilt made of insights, concerning the interrelated nature of my vulnerabilities, in which my peace of mind can unwind, relax and reflect over a life well lived ... and what, I ask, can be a more healthily productive way to approach this fourth stage of my life than to envision my wholesome self weaving strength born of self love into each aspect of self healing, which proves in need of being more fully absorbed ...
As to the third aspect of the trifecta of awarenessss indicated within the title of today’s post, vulnerability number three was added to yesterday’s train of thought, this morning, after I awakened feeling intuitive need to backtrack, at which time a third personal weakness slipped into my line of vision alongside of the original two, so in hopes of having challenged your curiosity to arise, you’ll find the completed trifecta in the post previous to today’s.
Wach time the interrelated nature of this highly personal trifecta of vulnerabilities comes in first, second and third, my self worth, comes in, not only last but lame. And so, having clarified the existence of this trifecta, we can clearly envision exactly what has been in need of change for the betterment of my self esteem, beginning at the tender age of three at which time my fear of a loved one’s death and my undeveloped connection to self worth formed the tag team that still is empowered to puncture my spirit and pummel my inner strengths into pulp until my connection to personal safety goes down for the count ...
As today’s insight driven train of thought serves as an addendum to the post penned yesterday, I feel hopeful that each of these astute awarenesses will empower my think tank to lead my vulnerabilities toward healing from experiencing the episodic nature of PTSD, repeatedly, by directing my intelligence (without shadows of self doubt dimming my way) toward engineering my processor’s absorption of self esteem so strengthened as to beckon my spirit to ascend out from whatever is left of my deeply troubled, many layered subconscious tunnel so that my self worth will no longer stumble into yesteryear’s cavernous darkness where undeserved guilt born of human vulnerability has caused me to hang my head in shame, unnecessarily ...
As to the third aspect of the trifecta of awarenessss indicated within the title of today’s post, vulnerability number three was added to yesterday’s train of thought, this morning, after I awakened feeling intuitive need to backtrack, at which time a third personal weakness slipped into my line of vision alongside of the original two, so in hopes of having challenged your curiosity to arise, you’ll find the completed trifecta in the post previous to today’s.
Wach time the interrelated nature of this highly personal trifecta of vulnerabilities comes in first, second and third, my self worth, comes in, not only last but lame. And so, having clarified the existence of this trifecta, we can clearly envision exactly what has been in need of change for the betterment of my self esteem, beginning at the tender age of three at which time my fear of a loved one’s death and my undeveloped connection to self worth formed the tag team that still is empowered to puncture my spirit and pummel my inner strengths into pulp until my connection to personal safety goes down for the count ...
As today’s insight driven train of thought serves as an addendum to the post penned yesterday, I feel hopeful that each of these astute awarenesses will empower my think tank to lead my vulnerabilities toward healing from experiencing the episodic nature of PTSD, repeatedly, by directing my intelligence (without shadows of self doubt dimming my way) toward engineering my processor’s absorption of self esteem so strengthened as to beckon my spirit to ascend out from whatever is left of my deeply troubled, many layered subconscious tunnel so that my self worth will no longer stumble into yesteryear’s cavernous darkness where undeserved guilt born of human vulnerability has caused me to hang my head in shame, unnecessarily ...
Monday, January 22, 2018
MY LINE OF EMOTIONAL CONTROL NEEDS LOOSENING—BIGTIME!
Welcome back! Though I write in hopes of seeing more of myself than denial might allow for, I rely on your respectful support more than I’m inclined to show. So, when your numbers swell after an absence, my spirit smiles and my mind sighs with relief.
As is true of many others (for a variety of reasons), it’s been my life long habit to repress that which is deemed socially unacceptable emotion behind my defense system’s wall of denial to the point of over saturation until every fiber of my being feels need to spew forth impassioned fires, which, if left to burn ever more persistently within, would realistically roast my brain’s connection to clarity to a crisp, suggestive of my need to loosen the tight rein that inevitably (though, rarely) results in a ferocity of emotion gushing geyser-like through my suddenly shattered wall of self restraint. Whew! Needless to say, when my energy is diverted toward healing from illness, my inner strengths, which I depend upon to keep myself centered, are seriously compromised.
Another lifelong, unhealthy habit, which has become second nature to me, blinds my growing sense of self awareness from recognizing those times when I’m beating myself up until a loved one takes me around and compassionately coaches me to drop the whip and switch mental tracks toward thinking so smart as to offer myself the same degree of generosity of spirit and loving kindness that I've been taught to offer everyone else.
Though Ive been working to recreate my self image to match reality for several years, this truth has grown apparent, once again: The interrelated nature of both of those highly significant goals continue to remain beyond my reach, most especially at those times when my human vulnerabilities, having had sound reason to arise, outwhelm my inner strengths, and my voice, which fearlessly champions the vulnerabilities in others, is silenced by the boulder of insecurity that manifests within my throat, barring me from summoning help for myself ... and thus has a third self-defeating habit lined up to complete this trifecta of personal weaknesses that my ego has glaringly blinded me from recognizing as my greatest foe.
Had professional awareness of my self demeaning mistreatment of myself been clarified for my family when I was a child, the severity of my repressed fear of anger, (most especially my own) may have surfaced and been extinguished many decades ago rather than having offered this fault line so much time to have burned a wedge ever more deeply within my think tank—though reflection suggests that subconsciously repressed emotion kept itching within me as if my nervous system kept sending SOS signals to my intelligence concerning my desperate need to air my fears and openly express my anger in hopes of healing my shattered self image, which must precede the restoration of my connection to peace of mind, but since all of that psychological jargon was not yet common knowledge, no one uncovered the fact that my inability to express the depth of my emotional reaction to the confounding upheaval that evolved in the aftermath of my baby sister's death was manifesting itself within the relentless way that I'd scratched at my skin as if self mutilation might loosen the hold of impassioned emotion, which, remaining imprisoned within my subconscious, burrowed ever more unhealthily under my skin until recent years when my current therapist, versed in PTSD, honed in on my need to decipher this secret code that my body kept sending to my intuitive intelligence: Help! I’m in pain from attacking every one of my human vulnerabilities, which I'm determined to hide from my egocentric conscious self for as long as is humanly possible! Please! Someone help me to mend this inner conflict that divided my self image into two separate parts so that the torn state of my peace of mind can finally heal. Whew!
REPRESSION OF IMPASSIONED EMOTION IS NOT A WELL-BALANCED WAY TO LIVE
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT MY POWER OF INTUITION HAS FORCED MY HAND HOLD MY INTUITIVE INTELLIGENCE ACCOUNTABLE FOR GROWING EVER MORE AWARE OF THE FACT THAT MY LINE OF CONTROL HAS GROWN BEYOND THAT POINT WHICH PROVES CLEARLY HEALTHY AND REALITY CENTERED ...
MY LINE OF CONTROL HAS GROWN SO TIGHTLY COILED AS TO CHOKE OFF MY SENSE OF CLARITY FROM IDENTIFYING THOSE TIMES WHEN MY INTELLIGENCE NEEDS TO THROW MY THINK TANK A ROPE THAT WILL TETHER MY CONNECTION TO WHOLENESS TO CLARITY NO MATTER HOW SCARY OR INFURIATING REALITY PROVES TO BE.
MY INTELLIGENCE NEEDS TO RELEASE THE REAL ME TO MUSTER THE COURAGE TO MAKE SOUND USE OF MY VOICE TO SAY: I’M REALLY SCARED! AND THAT'S OKAY!
OR TO SHOUT: I’M SO ANGRY FOR SOUND REASON!
I need to release my line of control so as to free my intelligence to embrace the fact that during times of personal vulnerability fate will not lock me in solitary for not using my smile of leadership as my invincible shield ... and that deeper truth will surely have need to grow more in-synche with reality as all of me continues to age.
As a small, frightened child, living in a home gone mad with anger born of impassioned confusion and searing grief, I watched death shatter my whole life, catalyzing my self protective defense system to erect a wall of denial dividing my undeveloped processor into two separate halves, wherein courage to trek forth ever more brightly into the great unknown continued to carve my existential path disconnected from my dark fear of failure, which left to its own devices, would have forbidden my sense of adventure to develop and strengthen my inner sense of leadership, and as long as this wall divided my processor into separate compartments, my ability to think creatively for myself continued to take two steps forward, one back, except for those times when courage, breaking totally free of.any hint of subconscious fear tugging me backward, would take such a flying leap of faith forward toward restoring my lost sense of wholeness that upon landing securely on both feet, I’d feel so completely healed from self incriminatory flaggelation that my ego’s inner warrior would rise up, declaring my self image infallibly restrengthened so as to believe that never again would my inner super hero be so wounded as to feel too feeble to do battle with fate until, yet again, fate loomed so starkly dark as to make a fist of reality, which upon sucker punching my wall of denial, would, once again, shatter my shield, revealing the depths of my fear of my own expressions of anger, rendering my connection to courage incapable of lifting the wounded spirits of loved ones to safety, and thus does a new chapter in my quest to retire my inner super hero by strengthening my connection to human wholeness manifest as my most recent brush with personal vulnerability, both physical and emotional, identify my life’s most highly personal long range goal ... my self respect must maintain its strength expressly at those times when my vulnerability feels exposed.
From this day forward, my intuitive powers must remember to arrest my ego before Don Quixote arises from within to make a farce of deeper truth, signaling my intelligence to be aware of an uprising of fear and/or anger, so that my over grown line of control does not overwhelm my quest to gain, strengthen and maintain a better hold of balance in all things, thus freeing clarity to dominate my ego’s life long habit of denying the depths of my fear of anger by locking my intuitive smarts out of my conscious trains of thought at times when an undiagnosed danger threatens to release the dark side of life to shadow my loved ones’ well being, freeing the fiery breathe of my inner dragon to spin my peace of mind around on the windmill’s arms until the current windstorm has reason to pick up steam or pass, calming my dizzied state of mind so that clarity, once again, feels intact, because not until both sides of my brain feel solidly grounded in reality can my spirit begin to recoup the well balanced connection to positively focused energy necessary to work toward accepting whatever fate has in store for my family, directly ahead ...
As for right now, today is the first day in weeks that my body feels like standing for more than a minute at a time.. Last Saturday, lack of energy saw me cancel a family celebration at our house in honor of Steven’s birthday. For Will’s sake and in hopes of staving off his developing cabin fever, we welcomed dear friends from Seattle, who brought dinner, and after taking one look at me, agreed with my decision to stretch out on one of three living room couches that make up a conversational U- shaped setting, while Will and they caught each other up on family life, and I listened, quietly. As my friend is a take charge person, she cautioned me to remain prone while she tidied up our kitchen, and though energy continued to elude me, all went well.
On Sunday, Steven came to watch football with Will while my attempts to play quietly with Ravi had need for many breaks as my grand daughter listened to me say, repeatedly, I’m so glad you’re here but my energy can’t sit up for very long before my head feels too dizzy to stand straight on my neck, and it needs to relax on a pillow, so most of our playtime was spent on my bed.
Today, after experiencing weeks of physical illness
My spirit’s smile, highlighting the richness of my life
Is beginning to surface on its own
And a bit of appetite for physical sustenance is returning, as well.
Up until today, everything tasted as sour as whatever has been attacking
My physical, emotional and spiritual well being
Most everyone I know has been down with this bug for weeks ...
So having worked to understand what's been bugging the life out of
My psyche and spirit whenever I prove as vulnerable to fear or anger
As any other, now I'm scratching my head while itching to know:
What is the nature of this year’s flu virus that’s spreading
Such a wallop of epidemic proportions across our entire nation?
As is true of many others (for a variety of reasons), it’s been my life long habit to repress that which is deemed socially unacceptable emotion behind my defense system’s wall of denial to the point of over saturation until every fiber of my being feels need to spew forth impassioned fires, which, if left to burn ever more persistently within, would realistically roast my brain’s connection to clarity to a crisp, suggestive of my need to loosen the tight rein that inevitably (though, rarely) results in a ferocity of emotion gushing geyser-like through my suddenly shattered wall of self restraint. Whew! Needless to say, when my energy is diverted toward healing from illness, my inner strengths, which I depend upon to keep myself centered, are seriously compromised.
Another lifelong, unhealthy habit, which has become second nature to me, blinds my growing sense of self awareness from recognizing those times when I’m beating myself up until a loved one takes me around and compassionately coaches me to drop the whip and switch mental tracks toward thinking so smart as to offer myself the same degree of generosity of spirit and loving kindness that I've been taught to offer everyone else.
Though Ive been working to recreate my self image to match reality for several years, this truth has grown apparent, once again: The interrelated nature of both of those highly significant goals continue to remain beyond my reach, most especially at those times when my human vulnerabilities, having had sound reason to arise, outwhelm my inner strengths, and my voice, which fearlessly champions the vulnerabilities in others, is silenced by the boulder of insecurity that manifests within my throat, barring me from summoning help for myself ... and thus has a third self-defeating habit lined up to complete this trifecta of personal weaknesses that my ego has glaringly blinded me from recognizing as my greatest foe.
Had professional awareness of my self demeaning mistreatment of myself been clarified for my family when I was a child, the severity of my repressed fear of anger, (most especially my own) may have surfaced and been extinguished many decades ago rather than having offered this fault line so much time to have burned a wedge ever more deeply within my think tank—though reflection suggests that subconsciously repressed emotion kept itching within me as if my nervous system kept sending SOS signals to my intelligence concerning my desperate need to air my fears and openly express my anger in hopes of healing my shattered self image, which must precede the restoration of my connection to peace of mind, but since all of that psychological jargon was not yet common knowledge, no one uncovered the fact that my inability to express the depth of my emotional reaction to the confounding upheaval that evolved in the aftermath of my baby sister's death was manifesting itself within the relentless way that I'd scratched at my skin as if self mutilation might loosen the hold of impassioned emotion, which, remaining imprisoned within my subconscious, burrowed ever more unhealthily under my skin until recent years when my current therapist, versed in PTSD, honed in on my need to decipher this secret code that my body kept sending to my intuitive intelligence: Help! I’m in pain from attacking every one of my human vulnerabilities, which I'm determined to hide from my egocentric conscious self for as long as is humanly possible! Please! Someone help me to mend this inner conflict that divided my self image into two separate parts so that the torn state of my peace of mind can finally heal. Whew!
REPRESSION OF IMPASSIONED EMOTION IS NOT A WELL-BALANCED WAY TO LIVE
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT MY POWER OF INTUITION HAS FORCED MY HAND HOLD MY INTUITIVE INTELLIGENCE ACCOUNTABLE FOR GROWING EVER MORE AWARE OF THE FACT THAT MY LINE OF CONTROL HAS GROWN BEYOND THAT POINT WHICH PROVES CLEARLY HEALTHY AND REALITY CENTERED ...
MY LINE OF CONTROL HAS GROWN SO TIGHTLY COILED AS TO CHOKE OFF MY SENSE OF CLARITY FROM IDENTIFYING THOSE TIMES WHEN MY INTELLIGENCE NEEDS TO THROW MY THINK TANK A ROPE THAT WILL TETHER MY CONNECTION TO WHOLENESS TO CLARITY NO MATTER HOW SCARY OR INFURIATING REALITY PROVES TO BE.
MY INTELLIGENCE NEEDS TO RELEASE THE REAL ME TO MUSTER THE COURAGE TO MAKE SOUND USE OF MY VOICE TO SAY: I’M REALLY SCARED! AND THAT'S OKAY!
OR TO SHOUT: I’M SO ANGRY FOR SOUND REASON!
I need to release my line of control so as to free my intelligence to embrace the fact that during times of personal vulnerability fate will not lock me in solitary for not using my smile of leadership as my invincible shield ... and that deeper truth will surely have need to grow more in-synche with reality as all of me continues to age.
As a small, frightened child, living in a home gone mad with anger born of impassioned confusion and searing grief, I watched death shatter my whole life, catalyzing my self protective defense system to erect a wall of denial dividing my undeveloped processor into two separate halves, wherein courage to trek forth ever more brightly into the great unknown continued to carve my existential path disconnected from my dark fear of failure, which left to its own devices, would have forbidden my sense of adventure to develop and strengthen my inner sense of leadership, and as long as this wall divided my processor into separate compartments, my ability to think creatively for myself continued to take two steps forward, one back, except for those times when courage, breaking totally free of.any hint of subconscious fear tugging me backward, would take such a flying leap of faith forward toward restoring my lost sense of wholeness that upon landing securely on both feet, I’d feel so completely healed from self incriminatory flaggelation that my ego’s inner warrior would rise up, declaring my self image infallibly restrengthened so as to believe that never again would my inner super hero be so wounded as to feel too feeble to do battle with fate until, yet again, fate loomed so starkly dark as to make a fist of reality, which upon sucker punching my wall of denial, would, once again, shatter my shield, revealing the depths of my fear of my own expressions of anger, rendering my connection to courage incapable of lifting the wounded spirits of loved ones to safety, and thus does a new chapter in my quest to retire my inner super hero by strengthening my connection to human wholeness manifest as my most recent brush with personal vulnerability, both physical and emotional, identify my life’s most highly personal long range goal ... my self respect must maintain its strength expressly at those times when my vulnerability feels exposed.
From this day forward, my intuitive powers must remember to arrest my ego before Don Quixote arises from within to make a farce of deeper truth, signaling my intelligence to be aware of an uprising of fear and/or anger, so that my over grown line of control does not overwhelm my quest to gain, strengthen and maintain a better hold of balance in all things, thus freeing clarity to dominate my ego’s life long habit of denying the depths of my fear of anger by locking my intuitive smarts out of my conscious trains of thought at times when an undiagnosed danger threatens to release the dark side of life to shadow my loved ones’ well being, freeing the fiery breathe of my inner dragon to spin my peace of mind around on the windmill’s arms until the current windstorm has reason to pick up steam or pass, calming my dizzied state of mind so that clarity, once again, feels intact, because not until both sides of my brain feel solidly grounded in reality can my spirit begin to recoup the well balanced connection to positively focused energy necessary to work toward accepting whatever fate has in store for my family, directly ahead ...
As for right now, today is the first day in weeks that my body feels like standing for more than a minute at a time.. Last Saturday, lack of energy saw me cancel a family celebration at our house in honor of Steven’s birthday. For Will’s sake and in hopes of staving off his developing cabin fever, we welcomed dear friends from Seattle, who brought dinner, and after taking one look at me, agreed with my decision to stretch out on one of three living room couches that make up a conversational U- shaped setting, while Will and they caught each other up on family life, and I listened, quietly. As my friend is a take charge person, she cautioned me to remain prone while she tidied up our kitchen, and though energy continued to elude me, all went well.
On Sunday, Steven came to watch football with Will while my attempts to play quietly with Ravi had need for many breaks as my grand daughter listened to me say, repeatedly, I’m so glad you’re here but my energy can’t sit up for very long before my head feels too dizzy to stand straight on my neck, and it needs to relax on a pillow, so most of our playtime was spent on my bed.
Today, after experiencing weeks of physical illness
My spirit’s smile, highlighting the richness of my life
Is beginning to surface on its own
And a bit of appetite for physical sustenance is returning, as well.
Up until today, everything tasted as sour as whatever has been attacking
My physical, emotional and spiritual well being
Most everyone I know has been down with this bug for weeks ...
So having worked to understand what's been bugging the life out of
My psyche and spirit whenever I prove as vulnerable to fear or anger
As any other, now I'm scratching my head while itching to know:
What is the nature of this year’s flu virus that’s spreading
Such a wallop of epidemic proportions across our entire nation?
Saturday, January 20, 2018
DON QUIXOTE
Over these past few days, my blog has gotten
So few hits as to make me believe that whatever
I’ve felt need to write, this week, has not been
In keeping with what people want to read ... so
With that thought in mind, what’s the first thing I do?
I remind myself that being true to myself
Has, over time, become my primary reason for writing whatever
Pops naturally out of the intuitive portion of my mind
As my energy is still sub-existent
I wonder if stress may be adding
A new dimension to the fact that my spirit, which
Feels too heavy to lift, remains at half mast at best, and
If you ask why I’m thinking that stress is stressing me out
I’d rely: The flu is no longer moving misery throughout
My body, system by system, but I still can’t muster
The inner strength necessary to confront reality as
It has proved to be, during these past several weeks when
Several family members have had need to slay
Personal, fire breathing dragons, and as
One family member in particular (whose misery remains
Undiagnosed) has been very ill while I’ve not yet regained
The mental fortitude to muster a positively focused, courageous
Attitude to face off with the great unknown, which has been
Hanging heavy on my spirit since the first of the year, I have
Gained insight into my inability to smite down dragons that
The fates choose to place as hurtles upon each of
My loved ones’ personal paths, and my conscious awareness of
That deeper truth suggests personal growth on the part of
My retired fixer, who still feels need to rail against feeling so
Helpless as to make mincemeat of my peace of mind, and
That deeper truth turns the spotlight of insight upon
Today’s intuitive train of thought:
I must admit that whenever a serious as yet undiagnosed illness
Threatens a person I love, my spirit’s host of inner strengths tend to
Deflate as fast as the reemergence of subconsciously repressed fear
Drags my body back in time, catalyzing spiking anxiety to strike though
Visual memory of the suddenness of my seemingly healthy
Grandpa’s demise in the prime of middle aged life followed only
Weeks later by my seemingly healthy baby sister’s utterly
Unexpected, tragic death does not manifest within
My conscious mind, leaving seventy-four year old me blind to
This next deeper truth until a magical flash of insight, acting like
X-ray-vision, penetrates my defense system’s wall of denial, releasing
My mindful spirit’s host of inner strengths to dive so courageously
Straight into the vortex of the bottomless pit of my
Personal hellhole so as to spotlight and scoop up terror stricken
Three year old me, who upon being saved by seventy four year old me
Found herself being set down to stand with go th feet replanted on
Solid ground so fertile with self cleansed thoughts as to have
Emerged, guilt free, from my life-long, spirit sucking
Darkest nightmare to feel the lightness of inner peace suffusing
Straight into and throughout the very core of a sweet, three year
Old child’s purely innocent, positively focused soul, and thus did
I awaken feeling miraculously unscathed, unscarred, and no longer
Terrorized from within, feeling helplessly overwhelmed by
Human vulnerability, rendering me unable to douse
Each next dragon’s fire other than openly confronting
My own demons, most pointedly as I courageously find myself
Advancing, step by step, through old age knowing that
My whole life will not fall apart as had felt true at three, if
I can’t currently, singlehandedly save my loved ones from
Experiencing an untimely death ... and I say untimely for
This reason: My heart cried aloud, and my spirit
Saddened immeasurably; however my inner strengths
Did not deflate, depress, flail angrily around or fail me when
My beloved parents succumbed to death at
Advanced ages, suggesting, once again that hindsight offers
The mind’s eye flashes of insight, sparking this connection to
Foresight: Just as the arousal of my human limitations stimulates
The reemergence of yesteryear’s feelings of personal unworthiness
My conscious quest for peace of mind during highly stressed
Moments in time proves to be yet another impossible dream to
Achieve as has been true of my subconscious need to
‘Prove’ myself worthy of love by single-handedly solving
Problems and conflicts, which were (and are) beyond
My personal control to resolve, and
Having highlighted today’s insight-driven awareness
My power of intuitive thought has turned its spotlight toward:
Another personal quest that holds me apart from mirroring
Don Quixote, the self anointed knight, who, armored with
Sword in hand, readied himself to do battle with the windmill:
I continue to quest to grow ever more courageously c
Clear sighted and conscientiously aware of seeing myself as
I am rather than as my ego needs to believe myself to
Be, suggesting that my quest to grow ever more clearly
Courageously aware so as to
Overpower subconscious fear whenever life’s harshest realities
Threaten to bite chunks out of my personal connection to
Safety, and thus do personal growth spurts direct
My think tank to sheath my sword in favor of
Holding my mirror aloft so that my maturing connection to
Clarity can openly reflect the scardy cat that still exists behind
The persona within which I cloak vulnerabilities that
My ego ‘thinks’ best to hide from me, suggesting
That when it comes to erecting and defending my own wall of
Denial, infallible I am not; on the other hand, I do not confront
A coward staring back from my mirror, suggesting that
Whenever I find my subconscious fears wrestling for
Dominance over today’s emotionally matured connection to
Courage, you’ll watch my intelligence work toward
Regaining my sense of inner balance by
Consciously acknowledging the fact that, once again
Opposing sides of my nature are vying for control over
My decision maker, one round at a time, and just as
I’d not expect super human strength of any other
Human being, perhaps tis way past time for
My connection to wholeness to ask
Less of myself during those rounds when
My personal strength of courage takes a hit so hard as to
Free fear to come close to punching out my lights...
I mean if, during dark times of inner conflict, I remind my
Personal strengths to brainstorm with
My human limitations toward a win/win, then
Common sense will referee, declaring a tie between
Fear and courage, and by having taken a time out to
Regain my consciously rebalanced reconnection to
Emotional composure, I’ll strengthen my inner resolve
To remember to ‘know’ when (and with whom) to
Openly admit to personal vulnerabilities without
Worriedly disparaging my self worth
In fact, having worked to advance my thought process to
Land upon this place of emotional maturity where
Deeper truth concerning both sides of my nature are
Fearlessly acknowledged and embraced actually shines
The spotlight of insight upon yet another inner strength
So few hits as to make me believe that whatever
I’ve felt need to write, this week, has not been
In keeping with what people want to read ... so
With that thought in mind, what’s the first thing I do?
I remind myself that being true to myself
Has, over time, become my primary reason for writing whatever
Pops naturally out of the intuitive portion of my mind
As my energy is still sub-existent
I wonder if stress may be adding
A new dimension to the fact that my spirit, which
Feels too heavy to lift, remains at half mast at best, and
If you ask why I’m thinking that stress is stressing me out
I’d rely: The flu is no longer moving misery throughout
My body, system by system, but I still can’t muster
The inner strength necessary to confront reality as
It has proved to be, during these past several weeks when
Several family members have had need to slay
Personal, fire breathing dragons, and as
One family member in particular (whose misery remains
Undiagnosed) has been very ill while I’ve not yet regained
The mental fortitude to muster a positively focused, courageous
Attitude to face off with the great unknown, which has been
Hanging heavy on my spirit since the first of the year, I have
Gained insight into my inability to smite down dragons that
The fates choose to place as hurtles upon each of
My loved ones’ personal paths, and my conscious awareness of
That deeper truth suggests personal growth on the part of
My retired fixer, who still feels need to rail against feeling so
Helpless as to make mincemeat of my peace of mind, and
That deeper truth turns the spotlight of insight upon
Today’s intuitive train of thought:
I must admit that whenever a serious as yet undiagnosed illness
Threatens a person I love, my spirit’s host of inner strengths tend to
Deflate as fast as the reemergence of subconsciously repressed fear
Drags my body back in time, catalyzing spiking anxiety to strike though
Visual memory of the suddenness of my seemingly healthy
Grandpa’s demise in the prime of middle aged life followed only
Weeks later by my seemingly healthy baby sister’s utterly
Unexpected, tragic death does not manifest within
My conscious mind, leaving seventy-four year old me blind to
This next deeper truth until a magical flash of insight, acting like
X-ray-vision, penetrates my defense system’s wall of denial, releasing
My mindful spirit’s host of inner strengths to dive so courageously
Straight into the vortex of the bottomless pit of my
Personal hellhole so as to spotlight and scoop up terror stricken
Three year old me, who upon being saved by seventy four year old me
Found herself being set down to stand with go th feet replanted on
Solid ground so fertile with self cleansed thoughts as to have
Emerged, guilt free, from my life-long, spirit sucking
Darkest nightmare to feel the lightness of inner peace suffusing
Straight into and throughout the very core of a sweet, three year
Old child’s purely innocent, positively focused soul, and thus did
I awaken feeling miraculously unscathed, unscarred, and no longer
Terrorized from within, feeling helplessly overwhelmed by
Human vulnerability, rendering me unable to douse
Each next dragon’s fire other than openly confronting
My own demons, most pointedly as I courageously find myself
Advancing, step by step, through old age knowing that
My whole life will not fall apart as had felt true at three, if
I can’t currently, singlehandedly save my loved ones from
Experiencing an untimely death ... and I say untimely for
This reason: My heart cried aloud, and my spirit
Saddened immeasurably; however my inner strengths
Did not deflate, depress, flail angrily around or fail me when
My beloved parents succumbed to death at
Advanced ages, suggesting, once again that hindsight offers
The mind’s eye flashes of insight, sparking this connection to
Foresight: Just as the arousal of my human limitations stimulates
The reemergence of yesteryear’s feelings of personal unworthiness
My conscious quest for peace of mind during highly stressed
Moments in time proves to be yet another impossible dream to
Achieve as has been true of my subconscious need to
‘Prove’ myself worthy of love by single-handedly solving
Problems and conflicts, which were (and are) beyond
My personal control to resolve, and
Having highlighted today’s insight-driven awareness
My power of intuitive thought has turned its spotlight toward:
Another personal quest that holds me apart from mirroring
Don Quixote, the self anointed knight, who, armored with
Sword in hand, readied himself to do battle with the windmill:
I continue to quest to grow ever more courageously c
Clear sighted and conscientiously aware of seeing myself as
I am rather than as my ego needs to believe myself to
Be, suggesting that my quest to grow ever more clearly
Courageously aware so as to
Overpower subconscious fear whenever life’s harshest realities
Threaten to bite chunks out of my personal connection to
Safety, and thus do personal growth spurts direct
My think tank to sheath my sword in favor of
Holding my mirror aloft so that my maturing connection to
Clarity can openly reflect the scardy cat that still exists behind
The persona within which I cloak vulnerabilities that
My ego ‘thinks’ best to hide from me, suggesting
That when it comes to erecting and defending my own wall of
Denial, infallible I am not; on the other hand, I do not confront
A coward staring back from my mirror, suggesting that
Whenever I find my subconscious fears wrestling for
Dominance over today’s emotionally matured connection to
Courage, you’ll watch my intelligence work toward
Regaining my sense of inner balance by
Consciously acknowledging the fact that, once again
Opposing sides of my nature are vying for control over
My decision maker, one round at a time, and just as
I’d not expect super human strength of any other
Human being, perhaps tis way past time for
My connection to wholeness to ask
Less of myself during those rounds when
My personal strength of courage takes a hit so hard as to
Free fear to come close to punching out my lights...
I mean if, during dark times of inner conflict, I remind my
Personal strengths to brainstorm with
My human limitations toward a win/win, then
Common sense will referee, declaring a tie between
Fear and courage, and by having taken a time out to
Regain my consciously rebalanced reconnection to
Emotional composure, I’ll strengthen my inner resolve
To remember to ‘know’ when (and with whom) to
Openly admit to personal vulnerabilities without
Worriedly disparaging my self worth
In fact, having worked to advance my thought process to
Land upon this place of emotional maturity where
Deeper truth concerning both sides of my nature are
Fearlessly acknowledged and embraced actually shines
The spotlight of insight upon yet another inner strength
Friday, January 19, 2018
HOW QUICKLY LIFE PASSES FROM SPRINGTIME TO AUTUMN
As to the interrupted nature of my personal story of mental metamorphosis ...
If thy patience has been tested, please note that the same has been true of mine
Perhaps, unbeknownst to conscious awareness
The human brain's classic process of metamorphosis must work conscientiously
Season upon season, toward achieving increments of inner peace before
The power of intuition readily begins to release insights so profound as to
Warrant freeing subconscious secrets to swing through the breeze as
Naturally as autumn leaves fall gracefully from the stoic branches of
Mighty trees, which, season after season, have had need to
Stengthen so as to weather countless storms ...
As to balancing sunny days of joy with windswept storms of personal pain
My story, like Layla's, reflects both sides of life and love in
Good measure, and as such, this story is not easy to write, because
Penning a true saga worth reading stems from
An author's inherent connectivity to authenticity, which, hopefully,
Eventually, manifests as naturally as does the timeless creation of
Each person's life, as individually and collectively
We work, side by side, toward designing our own cyclical sense of
Balance in all things, whereby, slowly, trains of thought, resulting in
Decisions, which had seemed black and white, expand to
Embrace leaps of faith fueled by a profusion of insights that
Open our eyes to spotlight newfound sensations of clarity that
Prove so mentally stimulating as to offer the reader
A bird's eye view of one person's metamorphosis, thus creating
A technicolored presentation of life and love so well balanced with
Reality that adults may choose to improve upon yesteryear’s
Lack of communication skills so as to stop piling
Undeserved guilt upon the untarnished psyches of children ...
If thy patience has been tested, please note that the same has been true of mine
Perhaps, unbeknownst to conscious awareness
The human brain's classic process of metamorphosis must work conscientiously
Season upon season, toward achieving increments of inner peace before
The power of intuition readily begins to release insights so profound as to
Warrant freeing subconscious secrets to swing through the breeze as
Naturally as autumn leaves fall gracefully from the stoic branches of
Mighty trees, which, season after season, have had need to
Stengthen so as to weather countless storms ...
As to balancing sunny days of joy with windswept storms of personal pain
My story, like Layla's, reflects both sides of life and love in
Good measure, and as such, this story is not easy to write, because
Penning a true saga worth reading stems from
An author's inherent connectivity to authenticity, which, hopefully,
Eventually, manifests as naturally as does the timeless creation of
Each person's life, as individually and collectively
We work, side by side, toward designing our own cyclical sense of
Balance in all things, whereby, slowly, trains of thought, resulting in
Decisions, which had seemed black and white, expand to
Embrace leaps of faith fueled by a profusion of insights that
Open our eyes to spotlight newfound sensations of clarity that
Prove so mentally stimulating as to offer the reader
A bird's eye view of one person's metamorphosis, thus creating
A technicolored presentation of life and love so well balanced with
Reality that adults may choose to improve upon yesteryear’s
Lack of communication skills so as to stop piling
Undeserved guilt upon the untarnished psyches of children ...
LITTLE BY LITTLE, I AM RECOUPING ENERGY EXPENDED BATTLING THE FLU
Upon finishing the novel that’s kept my mind occupied, over these past couple of days, I jotted down my thoughts about the main theme, and here is what my intuitive powers directed me to write:
At the end of the novel, Layla, a young wife and mother, who has endured harrowing experiences at various points throughout her life, is drawn back to the dilapidated cottage where
nostalgia for the innocence of what has passed rubs up against the present ... and in between the two is every reality that causes character traits to change in ways that surprise no one as much as the one whose mirror reflects personal traits that have undergone metamorphosis due to life experiences, which had felt too painful to bear until they’d been borne. And if, in hindsight, a wealth of knowledge sought has been gained and personal pain has been borne with dignity and compassion intact then what might be a person’s just reward upon reaching the twilight of a life well lived and well read? One would hope that the answer to such a universal quest would be an existential sense of inner peace.
Paraphrasing Layla’s grandfather:
I know that my hope to create change for the better throughout the world is much bigger than me, and so I do my part to the best of my ability, knowing that my quest is worthy of being carried forward by those of like-mind who are sure to follow, because all one must do to confirm that as true is to glance over the timeline, which reflects the cyclical history of man-kind moving forward, ever so slowly, yet persistently, as does the second hand of a finely tuned clock.
The main theme of this novel presents itself within a love story that takes place in India during this nation’s time of riotous rebellion against English domination. During these years of brutal unrest, Layla’s grandfather’s personal quest concentrated on procuring education for women; however this novel is devoted to Layla’s personal metamorphosis. As to Layla's grandfather’s quest, his story is related in a companion piece of fiction, a prequel penned by the same author, titled:
Flame Tree Road (Shona Patel), and if your interest concerning both novels has been aroused then I suggest reading Flame Tree Road first.
Flame Tree Road (Shona Patel), and if your interest concerning both novels has been aroused then I suggest reading Flame Tree Road first.
Thursday, January 18, 2018
MY NEED TO RECOVER FROM FLU AND SELF FLAGELLATION
In order to hold mental bordem at bay while my energy has been diverted toward beheading The Flu Monster, I’ve spent the better part of the last week devouring a diversity of novels. Apparently, reading (when not sleeping or writing) focuses my mind on what’s truly important, most especially when life takes a turn for the worse, and a current event that’s beyond my control releases the worrier within me to battle against my choice to go forward with positive focus as my guide.
The novel I’m currently reading offers up this insightful passage concerning what is likely to result when worry dominates my thoughts:
“Dadamoshai discouraged worrying about the unknown. ‘Worry is the most crippling emotion, Layla. It’s an impediment,’ he’d said to me once. ‘It is an irrational fear of the unknown. Worry will impair your judgment. It will rob you of the ability to make things happen.’
But I was completely powerless. The dark churning in my mind would not stop.”
(Excerpt From Teatime for the Firefly by Shona Patel)
What is my current worry? The same worry that invades my peace of mind whenever a problem arises that’s beyond my control to solve on my own. Namely: Whenever I’m not at the top of my game, I see myself as unworthy of love ...
Why, after so much therapy, does the permanence of this negatively focused childhood misperception arise from subconscious memory to haunt my current self image with a sense of impending gloom and doom, causing me to cast my intelligence, along with the most vulnerable side of my nature, out into the cold as if being imperfect and unworthy of love are indivisible?
What makes me cast myself onto an island of despair (as lepers were cast out) whenever fear of being labeled defective grows so great as to believe that my imperfections will surely shatter humanity’s heartfelt compassion into darkly sharpened shards of condemnation declaring me guilty of wrongdoing so reprehensible as to warrant imprisonment in isolation until perfection is impossibly won?
What makes me cast myself onto an island of despair (as lepers were cast out) whenever fear of being labeled defective grows so great as to believe that my imperfections will surely shatter humanity’s heartfelt compassion into darkly sharpened shards of condemnation declaring me guilty of wrongdoing so reprehensible as to warrant imprisonment in isolation until perfection is impossibly won?
As emotion and logic are opposites and creating balance between the two is imperative to recovering good health, when will my processor’s connection to logic strengthen so as to direct my subconscious to let go of that self defeating belief, releasing my whole brain to relax into an angle of peaceful repose while my body heals from having hosted the flu virus ...
Thank goodness, the act of writing reawakens my conscious awareness to the fact that I deserve to welcome the healing process to progress at its own pace with peace of mind intact, beginning right now.
Thank goodness, the act of writing reawakens my conscious awareness to the fact that I deserve to welcome the healing process to progress at its own pace with peace of mind intact, beginning right now.
BTW ... just what is Influenza, anyway?
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
MY BODY ... FRIEND OR FOE?
So earlier in the day, I was thinking
How long will my body continue to betray me?
I thought that for this reason:
Unlike the common cold, which
Attacks our respiratory tract
The virulence of influenza attacks
Every interactive system that keeps
Our bodies running like clockwork
Then I thought - wait a minute
My first thought was not my best thought, because
On second thought, my body hasn’t betrayed me, at all
I mean, seriously, it’s not as if my body was looking
To host the flu ... in fact, I must admit that
Ever since the flu invaded my personal space, uninvited
My body’s immune system has been rising to
The occasion, ever so admirably, 24/7, in total readiness to
Battle, dominate and slay this feverous virus, which
Multiplies so rapidly as to alert my survival instinct to
Direct all of my energy toward sweeping these all consuming
Little critters out of every system that normally keeps
My body (which still aches from head to toe) humming like
A well oiled machine, and with that insight-driven thought
Imprinted into the forefront of my think tank
Today’s post has just clarified the primary reason why
I continue to feel too wiped out to stand on
My own two feet, suggesting my passing
The hours of each day doing little more than
Reading and sleeping, and so, as long as my energy needs be
Diverted toward combating this unwelcome invader
I’ll humbly apologize to my body, which, in truth
Has been soldiering on in good faith with
Due diligence toward decapitating this mighty virus, and thus
Rather than charging my body with being a traitorous foe
I most gratefully acknowledge my hard working friend ...
Geez ... it’s been years since I’ve felt whipped from
Head to toe with as many physically debilitating
Miseries as these which accompany the flu, and
Having fought against succumbing to
The onslaught of such a persistent illness for
Close to a week, my depletion of energy hopes not to
Play host to the invasive nature of influenza, ever again ...
Imagine how severely debilitated I might have become had
The flu shot not armed me or had I not sought out
The doctor’s prescription for Tamiflu within
The first twenty-four hours of misery ... I mean
After all, how often do we hear that the young and the old
Are amongst those who are most susceptible to feeling
Ravaged by this virus, which proves as seasonable as snow
🤧🤒🤯🤢😴 ... 🌈
How long will my body continue to betray me?
I thought that for this reason:
Unlike the common cold, which
Attacks our respiratory tract
The virulence of influenza attacks
Every interactive system that keeps
Our bodies running like clockwork
Then I thought - wait a minute
My first thought was not my best thought, because
On second thought, my body hasn’t betrayed me, at all
I mean, seriously, it’s not as if my body was looking
To host the flu ... in fact, I must admit that
Ever since the flu invaded my personal space, uninvited
My body’s immune system has been rising to
The occasion, ever so admirably, 24/7, in total readiness to
Battle, dominate and slay this feverous virus, which
Multiplies so rapidly as to alert my survival instinct to
Direct all of my energy toward sweeping these all consuming
Little critters out of every system that normally keeps
My body (which still aches from head to toe) humming like
A well oiled machine, and with that insight-driven thought
Imprinted into the forefront of my think tank
Today’s post has just clarified the primary reason why
I continue to feel too wiped out to stand on
My own two feet, suggesting my passing
The hours of each day doing little more than
Reading and sleeping, and so, as long as my energy needs be
Diverted toward combating this unwelcome invader
I’ll humbly apologize to my body, which, in truth
Has been soldiering on in good faith with
Due diligence toward decapitating this mighty virus, and thus
Rather than charging my body with being a traitorous foe
I most gratefully acknowledge my hard working friend ...
Geez ... it’s been years since I’ve felt whipped from
Head to toe with as many physically debilitating
Miseries as these which accompany the flu, and
Having fought against succumbing to
The onslaught of such a persistent illness for
Close to a week, my depletion of energy hopes not to
Play host to the invasive nature of influenza, ever again ...
Imagine how severely debilitated I might have become had
The flu shot not armed me or had I not sought out
The doctor’s prescription for Tamiflu within
The first twenty-four hours of misery ... I mean
After all, how often do we hear that the young and the old
Are amongst those who are most susceptible to feeling
Ravaged by this virus, which proves as seasonable as snow
🤧🤒🤯🤢😴 ... 🌈
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
HOW LONG TILL ENERGY REBOUNDS?
Today marks
My last day of contagion
Begging the question:
Whence will be
My last day of exhaustion?
📕💤😴📕💤😴📕
My last day of contagion
Begging the question:
Whence will be
My last day of exhaustion?
📕💤😴📕💤😴📕
Monday, January 15, 2018
AMBUSHED
Today, I awoke feeling a bit better than miserable but still ambushed by flu.
📕💤😴🤧🤒📕💤😴🤧🤒📕
📕💤😴🤧🤒📕💤😴🤧🤒📕
Sunday, January 14, 2018
INFLUENZA B
Feeling physically miserable
I saw the doctor on Friday
Tested positive for Influenza B
(Who knew there was a test?)
Filled three prescriptions
(Who knew there was an antidote?)
And high tailed it back to bed
Over these past couple of days
I’ve been so medicated for
Sore throat, raspy cough
Swollen nasal passages, headache
Nausea, fever and achiness as to
Curtail my activities to
Sleep, read, sleep, repeat
Reading what? A novel that dives into
The haunting nature of secrets we keep from ourselves:
INTO THE WATER by Paula Hawkins ... Ahchoo!
📕💤😴🤧🤒📕💤😴🤧🤒📕
I saw the doctor on Friday
Tested positive for Influenza B
(Who knew there was a test?)
Filled three prescriptions
(Who knew there was an antidote?)
And high tailed it back to bed
Over these past couple of days
I’ve been so medicated for
Sore throat, raspy cough
Swollen nasal passages, headache
Nausea, fever and achiness as to
Curtail my activities to
Sleep, read, sleep, repeat
Reading what? A novel that dives into
The haunting nature of secrets we keep from ourselves:
INTO THE WATER by Paula Hawkins ... Ahchoo!
📕💤😴🤧🤒📕💤😴🤧🤒📕
Saturday, January 13, 2018
IF ANNIE IS THE ME OF TOMORROW THEN ...
If insight into deeper truth suggests that
Annie, who stands before us, today, is
The healed version of the person whom
I’ve not yet grown to be then
My power of intuitive thought will surely
Ready my intelligent mind to identify
At least one more subconscious secret that
My conscious awareness has need to
Absorb before I can disempower every last
Deeply repressed hot spot of unresolved
Childhood fear from burning holes into
My optimistic connection to courage
Once every hot spot of fear, repressed during
Childhood, has been identified, resolved and
Turned to ash, spikes of latent anxiety will no longer
Distort the evolutionary aspects of my self image or
Scatter my personal strengths or shatter
My hard won peace of mind; however
The mental gymnastics necessary to
Achieve such a self empowering change for the better
Will most likely be delayed for this reason:
Tis flu season, and I’ve got it🤧🤒😷
Annie, who stands before us, today, is
The healed version of the person whom
I’ve not yet grown to be then
My power of intuitive thought will surely
Ready my intelligent mind to identify
At least one more subconscious secret that
My conscious awareness has need to
Absorb before I can disempower every last
Deeply repressed hot spot of unresolved
Childhood fear from burning holes into
My optimistic connection to courage
Once every hot spot of fear, repressed during
Childhood, has been identified, resolved and
Turned to ash, spikes of latent anxiety will no longer
Distort the evolutionary aspects of my self image or
Scatter my personal strengths or shatter
My hard won peace of mind; however
The mental gymnastics necessary to
Achieve such a self empowering change for the better
Will most likely be delayed for this reason:
Tis flu season, and I’ve got it🤧🤒😷
Thursday, January 11, 2018
READINESS IS MY FRIEND
In answer to yesterday’s question:
Knock three times on the door of
My wall of denial, which, upon swinging open, will
Signal my intuitive intelligence of my readiness to
Confer upon my existential voice the heightened level of
Self empowerment necessary to free the author of
Annie’s blog to feel so well cleansed of every last
Deeply repressed shred of undeserved (self-imposed)
Shame as to openly post ME TOO for
Family and friends across the globe to
Behold My Truth every bit as clearly as
Streams of sun-kissed insights will surely
Warm the cockles of my heart once the blessed day
Dawns that sees me spring out of bed and
Fling open the drapes, feeling so self inspired
Self empowered and self healed as to take that
Final leap of faith whereby my existential voice
Freely declares the wounded portions of my brain so
Re-strengthened as to cool down every last burning ember of
Yesteryear’s shame so as to freely expose
A SECRETED EXPERIENCE without dizzying
My hard won connection to clarity, and
As today’s string of insights has just spotlighted shame as being
The main root of my undoing throughout very stage of my life, I’ve
Just identified subconscious shame as the catalyst, which had caused
My spirit’s connection to courage to slip slide away, repeatedly; however
Now that today’s insight-driven post has revealed
Shame as the primary reason why I’ve not grown so bold as to
Free every last shred of my distorted self image from
Remaining ensnared within the mind-darkening clutches of
Episodic PTSD, I have no doubt that my conscious awareness
Will disempower shame from usurping control over
My processor’s naturally healthy multi-dimensional connection to
Reality once every last drop of undeserved shame has been
Squeezed out of the distorted self image that weakens me with
Subconscious uprisings of mind-crushing insecurity
And now that my mental block no longer blinds my conscious
Awareness from cooling down the searing nature of
Subconscious shame into ash, my courageous connection to
Clarity will grow capable of synthesizing both sides of
My nature into today’s well balanced whole, before too long
And with today’s stream of consciousness clearly
Stated, my power of intuitive thought frees me to ask
Yet another question of my true self:
When will the positively focused side of
My re-energized spirit tap into Annie’s lasting source of
Courage so as to inspire my intuitive intelligence to
Readily stand up and transform words into action by
Acknowledging the inner conflict that has delayed
My connection to tranquility to shine forth free of
Shame as will be seen once the windows of my soul
Encourage my wholesome connection to clarity to freely
Knock three times on the door in my wall of denial, followed by
Hearing my existential voice chime in with: Open Sesame ...
Today, my connection to reality suggests that
Your guess is as good as mine as to whether
Today’s courageous leap of faith toward naming
Subconscious shame will prove to be the missing link to
Achieving lasting change for the better or ... Oh wait!
Suddenly I feeling need to dish up one more insight, which
Will spice up the next bite-sized morsel of
Food for thought so as to ready me to feel
So good as to stoke my engine with inner strengths by
Way of synthesizing every inter-related
String of insights, which has brightened
My intelligence to choose to tread
The road less taken in hopes of continually
Lightening my spirit’s burden until
Today’s insight-driven, intuitive train of thought
Readied the healthy portion of my brain to pull
Whatever may be left of my nearly healed
Childhood wounds into the rest station, awaiting
Our arrival, directly ahead:
As you shall soon see, the dawning of
This next insight, which today’s creative stream of
Consciousness has just released from
Subconscious captivity, is about to empower
The engineer of Annie’s blog to acknowledge
The nearness of the light at the end of my tunnel more
Clearly than had ever proved possible before, and
Here is why that’s true: I have just gained
The clarity to see that Annie’s connection to
Courage has always run deeper than mine ...
Yikes!
How much courage must I muster before
Annie’s bold stance of Me Too is posted on Facebook?
Readiness will signal my conscious awareness as to
When my connection to courage will have
Grown so bold as to stand up andReadiness will signal my conscious awareness as to
When my connection to courage will have
Knock three times on the door of
My wall of denial, which, upon swinging open, will
Signal my intuitive intelligence of my readiness to
Confer upon my existential voice the heightened level of
Self empowerment necessary to free the author of
Annie’s blog to feel so well cleansed of every last
Deeply repressed shred of undeserved (self-imposed)
Shame as to openly post ME TOO for
Family and friends across the globe to
Behold My Truth every bit as clearly as
Streams of sun-kissed insights will surely
Warm the cockles of my heart once the blessed day
Dawns that sees me spring out of bed and
Fling open the drapes, feeling so self inspired
Self empowered and self healed as to take that
Final leap of faith whereby my existential voice
Freely declares the wounded portions of my brain so
Re-strengthened as to cool down every last burning ember of
Yesteryear’s shame so as to freely expose
A SECRETED EXPERIENCE without dizzying
My hard won connection to clarity, and
As today’s string of insights has just spotlighted shame as being
The main root of my undoing throughout very stage of my life, I’ve
Just identified subconscious shame as the catalyst, which had caused
My spirit’s connection to courage to slip slide away, repeatedly; however
Now that today’s insight-driven post has revealed
Shame as the primary reason why I’ve not grown so bold as to
Free every last shred of my distorted self image from
Remaining ensnared within the mind-darkening clutches of
Episodic PTSD, I have no doubt that my conscious awareness
Will disempower shame from usurping control over
My processor’s naturally healthy multi-dimensional connection to
Reality once every last drop of undeserved shame has been
Squeezed out of the distorted self image that weakens me with
Subconscious uprisings of mind-crushing insecurity
And now that my mental block no longer blinds my conscious
Awareness from cooling down the searing nature of
Subconscious shame into ash, my courageous connection to
Clarity will grow capable of synthesizing both sides of
My nature into today’s well balanced whole, before too long
And with today’s stream of consciousness clearly
Stated, my power of intuitive thought frees me to ask
Yet another question of my true self:
When will the positively focused side of
My re-energized spirit tap into Annie’s lasting source of
Courage so as to inspire my intuitive intelligence to
Readily stand up and transform words into action by
Acknowledging the inner conflict that has delayed
My connection to tranquility to shine forth free of
Shame as will be seen once the windows of my soul
Encourage my wholesome connection to clarity to freely
Knock three times on the door in my wall of denial, followed by
Hearing my existential voice chime in with: Open Sesame ...
Today, my connection to reality suggests that
Your guess is as good as mine as to whether
Today’s courageous leap of faith toward naming
Subconscious shame will prove to be the missing link to
Achieving lasting change for the better or ... Oh wait!
Suddenly I feeling need to dish up one more insight, which
Will spice up the next bite-sized morsel of
Food for thought so as to ready me to feel
So good as to stoke my engine with inner strengths by
Way of synthesizing every inter-related
String of insights, which has brightened
My intelligence to choose to tread
The road less taken in hopes of continually
Lightening my spirit’s burden until
Today’s insight-driven, intuitive train of thought
Readied the healthy portion of my brain to pull
Whatever may be left of my nearly healed
Childhood wounds into the rest station, awaiting
Our arrival, directly ahead:
As you shall soon see, the dawning of
This next insight, which today’s creative stream of
Consciousness has just released from
Subconscious captivity, is about to empower
The engineer of Annie’s blog to acknowledge
The nearness of the light at the end of my tunnel more
Clearly than had ever proved possible before, and
Here is why that’s true: I have just gained
The clarity to see that Annie’s connection to
Courage has always run deeper than mine ...
Yikes!
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