Now that my sense of readiness has pulled this continuous train of thought, which, over these past several weeks, has been tunneling out of my depths into my conscious awareness, I'll be sure to review this series of posts multiple times for this reason: My think tank plans to sponge up every new string of insights that serves to illuminate my need to remember the wealth of knowledge, which has been stored in an orderly fashion within a wide assortment of file cabinets that will, hopefully, become more assessable to the expansive nature my conscious awareness than had been true in the past.
Thank goodness, my friend Socrates cared so deeply about the spiritual well-being of mankind as to have inspired Plato to pen his mentor's trains of thought in hopes of enticing the minds of future disciples (like me) to work industriously toward carving out insight-driven, existential paths of our own where individuals feel free to mindfully create and record step-by-step plans of action that will serve to disseminate a wealth of knowledge in hopes of strengthening a person's mental connection to positively focused attitudes in hopes of enhancing self worth as strategically as this week's brand new, three step plan is poised to heal the wounded portions of my self image so as to deliver the whole of my self esteem into the heartfelt embrace of my thought processor's emotionally matured sense of personal safety whenever negatively focused parent tapes, stored inside my head, are triggered to switch on, and once this week's three step plan feels firmly ensconced within the forefront of my mind, rarely will a positively focused train of thought spontaneously switch tracks toward those self defeating, overbearing parental attitudes, which had been empowered to guilt my host of adult personal strengths into cowering so shamefully as to collapse my self worth as suddenly as had proved true when my budding sense of self respect had been sucked into a bottle-necked, self-made quagmire of a sink hole if my think tank had exposed the audacity to refuse to vote in total agreement with my parents' or friends' defensive lines of reasoning. If peace at any cost had once been my subconscious motto, today, I can clearly see that what I'd elected to lose, until recent years, was the on-going development of my self respectful voice, which, depending on the circumstances, tends to come and go, depending upon the sliding scale that determines the momentary level of my self worth
As to now, you'd be surprised at how readily I can clearly express emotional trains of thought while writing, whereas confronting certain topics, person to person, still strains my brain to the point of twisting my tongue into tense, little knots, causing self assertive thoughts, which remain unvoiced, to back up, forming lumps of adrenaline-soaked anxiety that get stuck in my throat.
And now, let's ascend to the third rung of my step stool, where we'll see humility offering my present mindset sound reason to expand my sights, concerning my self worth, yet again, by way of enticing my think tank to muster the courage to take another huge leap of faith over the next layer of my defensive wall of denial, thus freeing the bright spotlight of insight to shine upon the subconscious train of thought that triggered this current episode of PTSD to highjack my think tank's connection to intelligence, logic, clarity and objectivity by sucking my self worth (along with my spirit) into a sink hole of my own making, several weeks back:
First of all, much of the subconscious commotion that overwhelms my thought processor's logical problem solving agility doth not infer that my mother and father (who were very good people) were not loving parents, because they were. Just as their defense systems' lack of patience made mistakes while raising their kids, I made mistakes while raising mine. And secondly, it's important to note that a wealth of self help books (other than the one authored by Dr. Spock), addressing the complex make-up of the human psyche, was not available to my parents' generation, suggesting the primary reason why much of the mental commotion that disrupts my peace of mind, from time to time, points toward my need to further develop my thought processor's organizational skills in hopes of rearranging the file cabinet stored inside my long range memory to operate like well oiled, finely tuned, solution seeking machine. In short, each time my brain short wires, some aspect of my thought processor, which runs 24/7, is in need of a tune up, so that if something triggers a negatively focused, subconscious file to fly open, my intuitive intelligence can spontaneously call forth my self respecting line of self control to identify and soothe yesteryear's pain before fear of additional pain hits anxiety's accelerator so quickly as to trigger a flood of adrenaline that unwittingly throws my entire think tank into reverse, freeing my limbic system to hijack my self worth before my neocortex regains the logic necessary to slam on the brakes and throw the throttle into park until my fully conscious sense of objective awareness rises above unresolved subconscious emotion in order to rebalance my subconscious fear of human vulnerability with sound reason for continuing to develop the connective tissue that serves to strengthen the bonds of my self worth (step one) and self respect (step two) in order to muster the courage to develop (practice using) my self assertive voice (step three) ...
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