My conscious mind to store that continuous train of thought in drafts
Why? As of this moment, I honestly have not one clue as to why that's true
And though intuition's directive to withhold those posts from
Public consumption exacerbates tension headaches (based in my inability to
Consciously identify the main source of a confounding inner conflict, which
Over these past several weeks, has stubbornly plagued
My peace of mind with a heightened sense of frustration that
Taxes my line of self control), I continue to hold myself responsible for
Speaking to other with a good natured sense of respect no matter how prickly
This internal dilemma causes me to feel from head to toe
Thank goodness, I've gained insight into the wisdom of tolerating frustration for
As long as proves necessary by mustering untold depths of patience until
My intuitive powers reveal more than a hint that another layer of
My wall of denial has been readying itself to widen at least enough for
A subconscious detail (which had frightened me terribly during childhood) to
Filter into my conscious awareness, thus stimulating my present level of
Anxiety to match the intensity that proved true when I was so young that
My think tank could not fathom the depths of emotional complexity which had
Caused eruptions of hot blooded fury to ignite amongst adults, whose
Impassioned interactions had pierced a preschooler's personal sense of
Safety so deeply as to have driven me to seek refuge in a closet until
The repetitive nature of each arguments had burned itself out—until the next time
As I've learned that resistance to anxiety proves counter productive to
Healing my brain from experiencing episodic eruptions of PTSD, which
Continue to disrupt my peace of mind, I'm sure you can imagine why
Today's intuitive train of thought has chosen to remind me to refortify
My patience to accept this feeling of mental irritation until
My self-respectful, adult sense of wholeness recoups the power to ready
The courageous person, whom I choose to be, today, to consciously
Accept and absorb another scary detail from yesteryear in order to
Relieve my mind from lugging forward the heavy weight of yet another
Misconceived, self demeaning, insecure attitude, which
Subconsciously continues to declare an innocent child so guilty of
Wrong doing as to have sentenced myself to endure time spent in
Anxious, solitary confinement, overlong, and now that I've worked
To clarify today's train of thought on my own, I feel fortunate to note
That my next session of EMDR therapy is this afternoon
I also think it important to note that though this current bout of
Anxiety has extended over several weeks, the degree of
My mental discomfort has not elevated to the point of
Overwhelming my thought processor's ability to think clearly and
Logically as had been true when terrifying details had been
Stimulated to tunnel from subconscious storage toward my conscious
Awareness in the aftermath of Will's cancer crises at which time
My anxious reaction spiked so high as to have hijacked 99% of
My thought processor's connection to logic until readiness, on
The part of my conscious awareness, felt able to absorb those details, four
Years ago (Will's cancer was diagnosed during the month of June)
In fact currently, anxious reactions to 'I-know-not-what-as-of-yet'
Have not grown spiked so high as to cause my mental irritation to
Persist, 24/7, as had been true when the possibility of
My being left to fend for myself, feeling like prey, had uprooted
A teen-aged fear so primal as to have instinctually catalyzed
Such an overproduction of adrenalin as to have produced
Such an intensely paralyzing degree of muscle tension that
Every atom of my anatomy had curled so tightly into a fetal position as
To have simulated a feeling of rigor-mortes as though death was
My only recourse to protecting every fiber of my being (most especially
The wounded portions of my thought processor) from re-experiencing
An on-going series of assaults, which had proved so traumatic as to have
Violated the innocence of a child's soul, causing my voiceless spirit to
Shrink up and seek a sinkhole in which to hide every bit of
My conscious awareness from confronting the depths of
My utterly terrified vulnerability as though, having swallowed
My conscious awareness, my defense system could insure that
A child's connection to sanity would survive each next attack, and though
Insight into deeper truth suggests that my conscious mind felt innocent
My silent submission to repeated acts of violence left me feeling
Subconsciously guilty of sinning by way of complicity, not only throughout
The rest of my childhood but straight up through and inclusive of today
And if you ask why I still feel guilty of sin when I know that the guilty party
Was most assuredly not me, I'll refer you to my definition of recurrent
Emergent episodes of PTSD, which, from time to time, are still empowered
To immerse the conscious portion of my intelligence within anxiety's
Dark side, suggestive of this fact: Traumatizing memories, which remain
Unidentified and therefore unresolved, may be triggered to tunnel toward
Conscious awareness, thus re-igniting emotionally charged hot spots that
Continue to condemn my innocence to roast on a spit in Hell, spinning
My thought-processor's connection to logic straight into
Yesteryear's deeply repressed, darkly despairing pain ... and
If I know that changing this negatively-focused (self-demeaning
Subterranean) attitude for the better is solely up to me then
I'll continue to direct myself to seek professional guidance until
Subconscious hot spots stop erupting, transforming my think tank into
Molten lava, and as my power of intuition has coaxed the conscious
Portion of my brain to seek astute professional guidance for most of
My adult life, you might think to ask: So Annie, what's the upbeat note
Upon which your intuitive powers plan to land your current train of
Thought once today's post has been sent soaring throughout cyberland?
In answer to the astute nature of your question, concerning how best to
Buoy my spirit, please allow me to respectfully remind you that
My power of intuitive thought, which has been coaching
My conscious mind to write every word in this post, inspires
My sense of wholeness to believe that once this circuit
(Connecting a series of secreted subconscious memories with
My conscious awareness) is complete, latent eruptions of
Yesteryear's fearsomely repressed, emotional pain will no longer
Be empowered to take a toll on my peace of mind, and thus
Do I have faith in this scientific fact, concerning the healing effects of
Engaging in EMDR therapy: Given time, my intuitive powers can be
Trusted to get the job of healing injured portions of my brain done by
Penetrating each layer of my wall of denial, and if you ask how
I know this step by step process toward self-healing to be
Undeniably true, I'll reply: Time spent in reflection while penning
This post has served to remind me how far my intuitive intelligence has
Taken me, over these past few years ... Now, let's add that fact to this one:
Intuition awakened me at 5AM to alert my conscious awareness of
My recurrent need to reconsider this specific train of thought in order to
Reassure my conscious awareness of progress taking place—no matter how
Slow the pace—and in this patterned way do intuitive trains of thought
Continue to coach my conscious awareness of need to self soothe each time
A hot spot has been stimulated to erupt, igniting subconscious state of
Mental discomfort to pour forth until an insight-driven stream of
Knowledgable thought calms the reactive nature of my survival instinct by
Penning a post that re-balances my emotional reaction with
A wealth of accumulated logical knowledge, which my intuitive intelligence
Has chosen to absorb, over my lifetime—and guess what just happened?
I felt my current degree of anxiety decrease—Why?
Because each time my conscious mind is reminded to restore its faith in
My brain's intuitive powers, I also remember to respect
My process regardless of the fact that I still have no conscious clue as to
When an insight, conveying a frightening detail, which has been
Haunting my peace of mind, will flash through my awareness, however
Each time faith in my process has been restored, my sense of self respect
Deepens, and with self respect intact, hope for a full recovery from PTSD
Reclaims its ability to calm my current state of anxiety at least enough so that
Over these past few weeks, I've not felt need to cancel an enjoyable string of
Dinner dates with dear friends, and when Ravi is present, her naturally
Energized, zest for life and boundless curiosity (in addition to the depths of
Her innocent devotion to Gramma Annie) inject my brain with pure shots of
Serotonin as if her active mind and funny antics are empowered to push
The express button, elevating my spirit from within yesteryear's emotionally raw
Sinkhole straight toward my highly personal version of heaven on earth, and
As Ravi's recent command of full sentences at the tender age of
Two and a half has offered our friendship the agility to converse upon
A variety of subjects, I can happily offer you a sampling of Ravi, giving
Voice to a two and half year old child's personal perceptions, which
Being self-empowered, act like a magic wand, spontaneously spiriting
Away my anxious state of mind in favor of transforming my tremulous
Smile into newly refueled and fully ignited sparkler as my active mind
Consciously acknowledges my good fortune to enjoy so much time engaging
With this delightful child's eager-to-absorb-everything-seen-and-heard brain:
Gramma Annie, a monter in your house
Taking me by the hand, Ravi's courageous imagination
Takes the lead, guiding us toward the monster
Tiptoe, Gramma, monter sleeping
Still holding hands, we tip toe, courageously, adventurously into
The monster's den (which, following Ravi's direction, happens to be
In my bedroom, where I come to see that the monster dwells inside my TV!
Placing her finger over her lips, Ravi cautions me—
Shhh, monter sleeping.
Suddenly, as though the monster is awakening, Ravi repeats:
Monter in your house, Gramma
Then, she adds:
Big bugs in your house, too
Monter eat big bugs
And thus do I play witness to Ravi's innate intelligence deducing that
She is safe, not only from hungry monsters but from big bugs, as well
So, where, you might ask, did the monster come from in the first place?
From within Ravi's active imagination (having watched the movie
FROZEN, one of her favorite films, about a zillion times)
And the big bugs? They came from Ravi's budding adventure with reality
(As desert dwellers, who chose to build our home at the foot of
A mountain, we welcome our exterminator, monthly, as
A necessity—you see, big bugs, with which we share our habitat
Visit uninvited on a regular basis, and Ravi, who does not like
The presence of dead bugs, relies upon her defense system to
Make good use of Mother Nature's creative gift of
Intuitive imagination—most especially at those times when
A small child's personal sense of safety feels in anyway threatened)
BTW, you can bet your bottom dollar that no adult, harboring
Monstrous personal needs, is going to feel empowered to snare
Ravi's innocence within a secretive web on my watch ... in fact
Whenever Ravi enjoys a play date with her Gramma Annie
She's calmly encouraged to give voice to specific emotions which
Delight her natural strength of spirit or trouble her peace of mind
I happy, Gramma!
I sad, Gramma ...
I scared, Gramma
I mad, Gramma!
I berry mad at you, Gramma!
Knowing full well that emotional clarity is essential to
The on-going development of every mutually respectful relationship
(Including the relationship that Ravi develops with herself)
I ask my now-verbal two year old grand daughter questions, such as
These, which I'm about to serve up, thus offering Ravi's interactive
Thought processor reason to grow consciously aware of considering
The validity of her instinctual emotional reactions rather than stuffing them:
Why are you sad?
Why are you scared?
Why are you berry mad at me?
If Ravi looks confused, I offer her bright mind choices to consider until
Her facial expressions and body language suggest that
Our moppet's naturally intuitive think tank is beginning to catch hold of
The concept that two heads, speaking and listening respectfully, back and
Forth, can be better than one when fear or frustration attacks peace of mind:
Are you happy because playing with Gramma is fun?
Yes, I happy!
Are you sad because you can't find Spirit (her favorite toy horse)?
Yes, I sad—where Spirit?
Do you need my help?
Yes, Gramma
Then all you need to do is say:
Where is Spirit? I need help, Gramma
(And guess what happens next?)
Our little parrot responds on the spot with:
Where Spirit? I need help, Gramma
And then we high-five and search, spiritedly, together
Are you scared because the noisy vacuum cleaner surprised you?Uh huh, I scared
Are you mad at Gramma because you asked for a cookie, and
Gramma said: Later, after lunch?
Un huh! I mad!
If Ravi's spontaneous emotional reaction is to raise her voice
Gramma smiles and says, evenly: Nice voice, please
Most usually, Ravi actually mimics me by modulating her tone to
Match mine while she naturally repeats my words:
Nice boise—and she's two a half!
Why is this happening? I have no magic wand ...
Little monkey-faces instinctively mimic whatever they
See and hear big monkey-faces do and say
In addition to that scientific fact, I'm Ravi's gramma, whose
Well-practiced patience extends throughout our play date—and
As I refrain from household tasks, suggesting that playtime hath
No limits, my well-practiced choice of words, modulated
Reactions and calming voice tones consistently influence
Ravi's instinctive reactiveness to calm down, and each time
This sweet ray of sunshine spends the day with me, these
Tried and true methods of role modeling consistency
Encourage my two year old grand daughter's brain to freely
Absorb cooperative trains of thought and mutually respectful
Behaviors, which adults, universally, hope to encourage
Children to develop early on in life, and in this knowledgeable
Manner doth Gramma Annie's accumulation of
Child-raising knowledge serve to inspire Ravi's intuitive intelligence to
Begin to conscientiously absorb the importance of building
A healthy sense of respect for the validity of balancing instinctive
Emotional reactions with logical problem-solving skills, all around
(I was exactly Ravi's age when my grandpa and baby sister
Died, suddenly, tragically, several weeks apart, leaving every person
In my extended family (who'd normally taken care to keep me feeling safe)
Utterly traumatized, totally devastated and angry beyond
Comprehensible belief—as to less than three year old me—
My deeply impressionable mind found closets in which to hide and thus began
My pattern of stuffing[(repressing] many of my most fearful emotional reactions ... )
Though I'd had no clue of my need to learn to practice, absorb and
Make sound use of mutually respectful speaking and listening
Skills when Barry was two, thank goodness, my power of intuition
Directed me to choose to attend parenting classes with a friend, beginning
When Steven was six months old and Barry, at two and a half, had naturally
Been challenging me by acting out in reaction to his instinct to mirror
The same facial expressions, body language and verbal tones, which
Had openly conveyed my impatience with a small child's
Highly impressionable, strong spirited, independent young mind
Bottomline, young children challenge intelligent adults to
Step up to the plate and hit homers that small fry can't hope to
Emulate without lots of gentle coaching and practice, over time—in short:
Big fox have to grow so foxy as to outfox little fox on the spot consistently
"When restraint and courtesy are added to strength
The latter becomes irresistible."
—Mahatma Gandhi
Encourage grammar school children to read, write and recite with
A growing sense of their self-confidence intact, had the good fortune to
Grow to become a loving wife and adoring mother of three adorable
Rambunctious little boys, before choosing to become
A college educator and author, whose enthusiastic, impassioned approach to
Her subject matter inspired parents as to how best to enjoy the children
They were raising before their offspring grew up to live with someone else
And never, until recent years did this woman have so much as
One conscious clue of the scary secret, repressed subconsciously, which
Her defense system had denied—though upon reflection, it's evident that
My power of intuition has consistently motivated me, even now, to walk
A path where my thirst to absorb, digest and make sound use of
Information, concerning the inner workings of my brain remains unquenched
And thus, over my adult lifetime, have I chosen to devour self-help texts as if
My peace of mind had depended upon questing for answers to questions, relating
To my unexplored need to identifying the main root of inner conflicts, so complex
As to confound the intelligence of well educated brains just as I continue to work to
Comprehend and resolve my own—as to Ravi, I'd estimate that
She actually responds quite well to calm, meaningful reasoning, about
90% of the time, leaving 10% of my time with her, actively engaged in
Teaching a young, highly impressionable brain the value of playing
The Cooperation Game rather than resorting to
The Power Struggle Game, which is so often the 'game' of choice as soon as
Small children and care giving adults begin to tantrum, back and forth
(The Power Struggle Game also proves the game of choice when
One adult goes to war with another for control—just saying ...)
Early on, during my self-motivated, self-help studies, I gained insight into
This fact: The only way to win when any power struggle picks up steam
Is to exit stage right and refuse to play, at all—not an easy choice to choose
Most especially when love is at stake ...
(More about inspiring cooperation over power struggling in a later post)
Emotions (whether positively or negatively focused) are natural, real
Unpredictable and quite often much more complex than we can
See reflected on the surface of a person's demeanor
Emotional eruptions, which tend to boomerang back and forth
Emerge for sound reason—and that's most especially true when
Emotional reactions, stuffed during childhood, create confounding
Inner conflicts, which are difficult for highly educated adults to
Comprehend, and since we all harbor subconscious 'hot spots' that's
A primary reason why we experience anxious reactions, which
Disrupt peace of mind until whatever is repressed subconsciously
Has had time to calm back down (sleeping giants or sleeping 'monters')
In the case of those whose demons have disturbed a person's
Sense of personal safety to the point of being diagnosed with PTSD
Healing requires conscientiously mining the subconscious for
Scary details, repressed so deeply as to haunt our sense of
Well being until intuitive thought coaxes strings of insight to
Ride out of the dark side of personal experience on streaming
Trains of thought, which connect yesteryear's deeply stuffed
Traumas and fears with today's adult sense of logic, thus
Resulting in the reconstruction of childhood's misperceptions, which
Proved self demeaning (anxiety producing) in nature, and so
We come to see why parent and child or (two adults, who
Love each other, deeply) often find it difficult to problem solve
Logically and compassionately with each other once secreted
Vulnerabilities (Hot spots) are stimulated to flash out of
Subconscious storage only to crash head on—until
Such time as we begin to sense intuitive insight, concerning
Each one's highly personal hot spots of pain attempting to emerge from
Deep within the brain's darkest crevices, where
Self demeaning attitudes, stubbornly reside ...
If you hope to positively influence the natural state of
Emotional reactiveness that bursts forth from a child, today
May I respectfully suggest a universal need to tap into
Your intuitive intelligence, which may be coaxing you to seek
Professional guidance (because who has time or desire to read
More than one hundred self-help texts, today?) so as to inspire
Your thought processor to grow toward becoming such a compassionate
Listener and astute speaker as to provide each young voice in your home
With a safe haven in which to develop the ability to openly speak their
Minds honestly, respectfully and cooperatively by mimicking
The most respectful person that, one day, they'll feel fortunate to
Come to for guidance when life's inevitable dilemmas feel so complex as
To make two heads react better than one ruminating, alone
Gramma, hide! Hide! Monter coming!
We can hide if the monster is scaring you, Ravi, or
We can remember not to be scared
Because the monster eats big bugs, not people
At this Ravi repeats my words (which had originally been her own):
Monter eat big bugs!
As each of our verbal discussions consistently exemplify
A loving adult's healthy respect for a small child's imagined fear
Ravi's fledging self-assertive voice repeatedly feels
Freely inspired to re-establish her personal sense of safety, resulting in
The restoration of her peace of mind, culminating in
Drawing forth Gramma and child's harmonic duet of smiles as
She and I enjoy an on-going series of strong spirited high-fives
So what, you may ask, is The Cooperation Game?
And why does two year old Ravi appear to react respectfully to
Making good natured deals with Gramma, which apparently appeal to her
Bright mind and independent spirit so as to quell a two year old child's
Instinctive, and thus naturally rebellious, emotional reactions?
Well, as seeing is believing, let's revisit two separate mornings when
Ravi and her gramma were getting ready to attend a weekly activity where
Our spirits enjoy a mutual sense of pleasure—Mom's and Tot's Dance Class ...
(Tots attend with moms, care takers, and in our case, Gramma Annie)
Breakfast with Papa, before leaving for dance class with Gramma, is lots of fun!
(Happily, Spirit, the tan horse, seen furthest from Ravi's plate, was found!)
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