1467 P DAVID AND GOLIATH

Not just any insights ...
Important insights slipped intuitively into post 1467-O
How important are these additional insights?
Well, somehow, having absorbed these insight-driven perceptions
I actually felt anxiety transform into a growth spurt, which
Empowered my connection to self respect to strengthen
Why? Because intuitive trains of thought
Guided my conscious awareness toward realizing
(Do you realize that the root word of realize is 'real'?
As in:  Which of your perceptions are real, as in based
In reality vs which of your perceptions are based in
Whatever your instinctive need for safety wants you to
Believe is real) my need to absorb the validity of
Insights as profound as these:  Guilt ridden emotional reactions
Which have remained subconsciously repressed ever since
Childhood, develop into subliminal hot spots, which
When poked by an event, today, re-awaken
The sleeping giant who took up residence inside my mind when
The mind of a small child could conceive of any reason why
Her grandpa and sister disappeared unless an angry monster ate them

Unlike Ravi's keeping monster, who, upon awakening, eats big bugs
My sleeping giant, once stirred, stomps angrily on my spirit before
I can stop myself from feeling as though yesteryear's terrifying sense of
Danger closing me is, once again, about to swallow
My fragile connection to personal S afety, whole, and
Having deflated my spirit, this monster proceeds to bully
My peace of mind into submitting to periodic so ikes of anxiety
That pierce my conscious awareness with such painful shards of
Yesteryear's undeserved guilt as to devour my brain's connection to
Logic before the knowledgeable adult, whom
I've consciencously grown to be, can comprehend
What has hit her from behind with such force as to
Blindside my neo cortex, rendering my accumulated
Wealth of knowledge unconscious, thus leaving me feeling
Powerless to stand up in defense of my honor until
The healthy portion of my brain stops reeling so as to
Send out an SOS ASAP for professional reinforcements, whose
Educational training, concerning the self healing ability of
The human brain, which feels threatened by recurrent bouts of
PTSD, proves as skillful at guiding my mind to have faith in
The study of neuroscience as is true of a cancer patient, whose
Neurosurgeon's steadfast hand must know where best to
Guide the scalpel each time a life threatening carcinoma in
Remission attacks the healthy tissue of that patient's brain, again
And since the sleeping giant, which resides inside my head
Is not nourished by big bugs, this beast, in need of taming
Has been known to gnaw at my peace of mind until
My stomped upon, deflated spirit has had time to recoup its
Self respecting stance, and thus does today's imaginative
Description of recurrent, surprise attacks of PTSD offer
Your comprehension (and mine) a vivid picture, concerning
The importance of recruiting a knowledgeable support system that
Understands the undermining nature of the civil war, which
Erupts inside my brain each time a power struggle for mental control
Ensues between the injured (subconsciously insecure) portion of
My brain and the healthy (self assured) solution seeker, whom
I perceive myself to be until an unidentified, subliminal hot spot, which
Had branded me worthless during childhood, burns straight through
My brain's connection to logical thought, penetrating my
Defense system's wall of denial, behind which I can feel
My my deflated spirit's tormented, silent cry for help as though
Life had broken my heart anew, as in:  Oh no!  Not again!

As the prolonged nature of civil war is known to result in
Battle fatigue the negatively focused (wounded) portion of
My think tank has been known to usurp control over
Healthy territory, from time to time, which explains why
My intuitive powers, joining forces with my intelligence, have
Need to grow practiced at escaping from the possibility of
Feeling overwhelmed and imprisoned by yesteryear's re-emergent
Subconscious fears by making sound use of my
Wealth of knowledge at the first glimpse of the giant stirring up
Trouble inside my head, most especially after a hot spot has been
Poked, catalyzing my brain to saturate with searing sensations of
Yesteryear's pain burning straight through my processor's
Connection to logical thought, baring my survival instinct's need to
Save me from danger by limiting my sense of choice to
Fight, flee or freeze, which suggests why, at those times
Tis wise to know which ghost buster to call, suggesting, once again, that
Two heads, in the heat of battle, can be better than one, and
If you wish to ask me to describe the state of my spirit (which
Serves to re-energize my battle-weary processor), right now, I'd reply
Let's give my spirit voice to speak for itself:
Though I do not yet feel light hearted, my severed connection
To self respect has had time to repair, and with my sense of
Self respect on the rise, my brain revitalizes so naturally as to
Inspire my processor to absorb strings of insight, which inspire
My sense of wholeness to rebalance subconscious vulnerabilities with
Inner strengths ever more quickly than had been possible during
Past eruptions of PTSD, and to add to my good fortune
David (whose spinal pain has catalyzed his need to
Strengthen his spirit to tame his own personal Goliath) flies in
Tomorrow to satisfy his heartfelt desire to enjoy time with
Ravi's bright, sweet natured mind whenever possible, and
Thus do I believe a sparkling display of light heartedness will
Naturally re-ignite the full strength of my spirit once
Our family gathers to celebrate The Fourth of July, which
Remarkably suggests that Independence Day is, yet again, just
Around the corner—and if ever there was a time for reflection
Renewal, and recommitment to switching tracks
From self destructive tweets toward governmental
Intervention growing mindful of our nation's need for
Law makers to catalyze an intuitive growth spurt, focusing
Our senate and house of representatives to join ranks and openly
Challenge the leader of the free world to grow up and direct
His three year old tantrums toward replacing his dunce cap with
The presidential hat that the populous of the United States demands
Our commander and chief to place squarely on his head untless
Like the glass slipper, which the mean spirited step sister could not
Squeeze her foot into, our current president's footprint proves
So unfit to serve anyone's best interests other than that of
The financial empire created by Emperor Trump's greedy need to
Elevate his insecure ego from drowning in the swirling dark side of
His unbalanced brain, and thus has today's train of thought, empowered by
My intuition, released my frustration to ask:  Where might be
The author of the fairytale ending, which requires the knight in
Shining armor to saddle up his or her mighty steed and gallop with
Haste through the convoluted roundabouts of D.C., straight up
The staircase, leading into the White House in order to unseat and
Defeat the unbalanced despot before the fully exposed underbelly of
Our nation's internal civil war explodes into the unspeakable carnage of
Shooters, feeling free to indulge in extinguishing the eternal flame of
The torch, held high by the lady in the harbor that welcomes the poor and
Weary to seek refuge upon our shores, from sea to polluted sea ...
If fairy tales were true, a super hero would appear—and by golly, the timing
Is right, because it's a known fact that superheros and summer movies collide

In addition to that fanciful perception, it's also a known fact that
We can only live one day at a time, which is why my spirit must charge
My brain to enjoy every minute of today's good fortune by consciously
Absorbing an ever deepening awareness of the loving respect with which
My positively focused attitudes and mutually respectful behaviors have
Conscientiously chosen to embrace a host of supportive friends and family, and
If you ask about my just desserts in regards to all of the mental exercising
I freely choose to do?  Well, here's what my think tank feels inclined to say:
I take pride in the fact that the healthy portion of my brain has grown to lull
My Giant, which goes by the moniker of PTSD, to sleep peacefully, repeatedly
And I believe my spirit will continue to strengthen the self confident
Stance that's necessary if my brain is to continue to tame that bully at times when
Anything stimulates the sleeping giant to so much as snore, and
Next, if you ask me to offer up one of the insights that has served to fuel
My mental fatigue to re-energize, over these past several days, here's
The one my intuitive power has chosen to select:
In the aftermath of every growth spurt (each of which expands
The healthy portion of my brain), my conscious awareness musters
The patience and courage to tolerate yesteryear's eruption of
Emotional pain in order to enhance my self awareness of my need to gain and
Maintain a greater sense of self control over my connection to self respect so that
The next time Goliath feels stimulated to stir yesteryear's self bullying attitude
The dark side of my mind can do little more than to heel to
The healthy alpha spirit, which my intuitive intelligence plans to
Place in charge of my entire brain during future sessions of EMDR. and
Being that I've grown to be a staunch believer in the wisdom of employing
Astute, simplistic plans of action in order to challenge my self defeating
Patterns to change for the better, today's train of thought has led my
Conscious mind to clarify the plan, which has been shaping up within
My head, this week—BTW—

I've not forgotten to write about The Cooperation Game; however
I'm a firm believer in first things first, and since my first priority is to
Make sound use of intuitive thought as it continues to pour forth so freely
(naturally) as to guide my intelligence to remain focused on the self healing
Abilities of my brain in hopes of maintaining a growing sense of control over
Painful bouts of PTSD, perhaps you, like me, have gained a deeper sense of
Understanding why my choice to liberate my spirit from lugging forward
Yesteryear's residual fear, anger and pain, which presents as spikes of anxiety, has
Directed my current train of thought to decide that switch tracks at
This moment in time would prove counter productive, and that brings us to
What to do with the portion of my brain, which delights in revealing success
Stories, which naturally elevate my heartfelt sense of self respect, and having
Clarified that, let's free the storyteller to momentarily make sound use of her voice:

I am one of many voices who vie for control over Annie's processor
And though mustering the humility to curb my greediness is far from
Easy, the fact that Annie's self healer and I enjoy
A mutually respectful relationship suggests why both of us have decided
To act in Annie's best interest (as is true of the component parts of
Any brain, which makes sound use of intuitive creativity in hopes of
Functioning, most often, as a well balanced whole), and since
Today's post covers much more than I'd had a conscious clue of revealing
To myself about myself, today, let's muster the patience necessary to
Live and enjoy (or tolerate) whatever life offers up until tomorrow, which
Is only a day away, and on that note, I'm sensing a rest station welcoming
My active mind to relax while my spirit, sensing reason for its inner smile
To widen, acknowledges another growth spurt gathering steam
Why?  Because my spirit knows it has encouraged my brain
To feel safe even though my anxious reaction is still somewhat
Active, suggesting that my brain's ability to calm and intelligently
Repair its sense of balance between emotion and logic is continually
Gaining strength over subconscious vulnerabilities, based in PTSD, which
Had too easily caused my spirit to succumb to sneak attacks perpetrated by
Latent uprisings of childhood's unidentified insecurities, and
And that, my friends, is real/ly a change for the better, indeed

1467 O EXPRESS ELEVATOR LIFTS MY SPIRIT FROM HAUNTING MEMORIES TO HEAVEN ON EARTH

Though posts 1467K-1467N have been penned, intuitive thought has directed
My conscious mind to store that continuous train of thought in drafts
Why?  As of this moment, I honestly have not one clue as to why that's true
And though intuition's directive to withhold those posts from
Public consumption exacerbates tension headaches (based in my inability to
Consciously identify the main source of a confounding inner conflict, which
Over these past several weeks, has stubbornly plagued
My peace of mind with a heightened sense of frustration that
Taxes my line of self control), I continue to hold myself responsible for
Speaking to other with a good natured sense of respect no matter how prickly
This internal dilemma causes me to feel from head to toe

Thank goodness, I've gained insight into the wisdom of tolerating frustration for
As long as proves necessary by mustering untold depths of patience until
My intuitive powers reveal more than a hint that another layer of
My wall of denial has been readying itself to widen at least enough for
A subconscious detail (which had frightened me terribly during childhood) to
Filter into my conscious awareness, thus stimulating my present level of
Anxiety to match the intensity that proved true when I was so young that
My think tank could not fathom the depths of emotional complexity which had
Caused eruptions of hot blooded fury to ignite amongst adults, whose
Impassioned interactions had pierced a preschooler's personal sense of
Safety so deeply as to have driven me to seek refuge in a closet until
The repetitive nature of each arguments had burned itself out—until the next time

As I've learned that resistance to anxiety proves counter productive to
Healing my brain from experiencing episodic eruptions of PTSD, which
Continue to disrupt my peace of mind, I'm sure you can imagine why
Today's intuitive train of thought has chosen to remind me to refortify
My patience to accept this feeling of mental irritation until
My self-respectful, adult sense of wholeness recoups the power to ready
The courageous person, whom I choose to be, today, to consciously
Accept and absorb another scary detail from yesteryear in order to
Relieve my mind from lugging forward the heavy weight of yet another
Misconceived, self demeaning, insecure attitude, which
Subconsciously continues to declare an innocent child so guilty of
Wrong doing as to have sentenced myself to endure time spent in
Anxious, solitary confinement, overlong, and now that I've worked
To clarify today's train of thought on my own, I feel fortunate to note
That my next session of EMDR therapy is this afternoon

I also think it important to note that though this current bout of
Anxiety has extended over several weeks, the degree of
My mental discomfort has not elevated to the point of
Overwhelming my thought processor's ability to think clearly and
Logically as had been true when terrifying details had been
Stimulated to tunnel from subconscious storage toward my conscious
Awareness in the aftermath of Will's cancer crises at which time
My anxious reaction spiked so high as to have hijacked 99% of
My thought processor's connection to logic until readiness, on
The part of my conscious awareness, felt able to absorb those details, four
Years ago (Will's cancer was diagnosed during the month of June)

In fact currently, anxious reactions to 'I-know-not-what-as-of-yet'
Have not grown spiked so high as to cause my mental irritation to
Persist, 24/7, as had been true when the possibility of
My being left to fend for myself, feeling like prey, had uprooted
A teen-aged fear so primal as to have instinctually catalyzed
Such an overproduction of adrenalin as to have produced
Such an intensely paralyzing degree of muscle tension that
Every atom of my anatomy had curled so tightly into a fetal position as
To have simulated a feeling of rigor-mortes as though death was
My only recourse to protecting every fiber of my being (most especially
The wounded portions of my thought processor) from re-experiencing
An on-going series of assaults, which had proved so traumatic as to have
Violated the innocence of a child's soul, causing my voiceless spirit to
Shrink up and seek a sinkhole in which to hide every bit of
My conscious awareness from confronting the depths of
My utterly terrified vulnerability as though, having swallowed
My conscious awareness, my defense system could insure that
A child's connection to sanity would survive each next attack, and though
Insight into deeper truth suggests that my conscious mind felt innocent
My silent submission to repeated acts of violence left me feeling
Subconsciously guilty of sinning by way of complicity, not only throughout
The rest of my childhood but straight up through and inclusive of today
And if you ask why I still feel guilty of sin when I know that the guilty party
Was most assuredly not me, I'll refer you to my definition of recurrent
Emergent episodes of PTSD, which, from time to time, are still empowered
To immerse the conscious portion of my intelligence within anxiety's
Dark side, suggestive of this fact:  Traumatizing memories, which remain
Unidentified and therefore unresolved, may be triggered to tunnel toward
Conscious awareness, thus re-igniting emotionally charged hot spots that
Continue to condemn my innocence to roast on a spit in Hell, spinning
My thought-processor's connection to logic straight into
Yesteryear's deeply repressed, darkly despairing pain ... and
If I know that changing this negatively-focused (self-demeaning
Subterranean) attitude for the better is solely up to me then
I'll continue to direct myself to seek professional guidance until
Subconscious hot spots stop erupting, transforming my think tank into
Molten lava, and as my power of intuition has coaxed the conscious
Portion of my brain to seek astute professional guidance for most of
My adult life, you might think to ask:  So Annie, what's the upbeat note
Upon which your intuitive powers plan to land your current train of
Thought once today's post has been sent soaring throughout cyberland?

In answer to the astute nature of your question, concerning how best to
Buoy my spirit, please allow me to respectfully remind you that
My power of intuitive thought, which has been coaching
My conscious mind to write every word in this post, inspires
My sense of wholeness to believe that once this circuit
(Connecting a series of secreted subconscious memories with
My conscious awareness) is complete, latent eruptions of
Yesteryear's fearsomely repressed, emotional pain will no longer
Be empowered to take a toll on my peace of mind, and thus
Do I have faith in this scientific fact, concerning the healing effects of
Engaging in EMDR therapy:  Given time, my intuitive powers can be
Trusted to get the job of healing injured portions of my brain done by
Penetrating each layer of my wall of denial, and if you ask how
I know this step by step process toward self-healing to be
Undeniably true, I'll reply:  Time spent in reflection while penning
This post has served to remind me how far my intuitive intelligence has
Taken me, over these past few years ... Now, let's add that fact to this one:
Intuition awakened me at 5AM to alert my conscious awareness of
My recurrent need to reconsider this specific train of thought in order to
Reassure my conscious awareness of progress taking place—no matter how
Slow the pace—and in this patterned way do intuitive trains of thought
Continue to coach my conscious awareness of need to self soothe each time
A hot spot has been stimulated to erupt, igniting subconscious state of
Mental discomfort to pour forth until an insight-driven stream of
Knowledgable thought calms the reactive nature of my survival instinct by
Penning a post that re-balances my emotional reaction with
A wealth of accumulated logical knowledge, which my intuitive intelligence
Has chosen to absorb, over my lifetime—and guess what just happened?
I felt my current degree of anxiety decrease—Why?
Because each time my conscious mind is reminded to restore its faith in
My brain's intuitive powers, I also remember to respect
My process regardless of the fact that I still have no conscious clue as to
When an insight, conveying a frightening detail, which has been
Haunting my peace of mind, will flash through my awareness, however
Each time faith in my process has been restored, my sense of self respect
Deepens, and with self respect intact, hope for a full recovery from PTSD
Reclaims its ability to calm my current state of anxiety at least enough so that
Over these past few weeks, I've not felt need to cancel an enjoyable string of
Dinner dates with dear friends, and when Ravi is present, her naturally
Energized, zest for life and boundless curiosity (in addition to the depths of
Her innocent devotion to Gramma Annie) inject my brain with pure shots of
Serotonin as if her active mind and funny antics are empowered to push
The express button, elevating my spirit from within yesteryear's emotionally raw
Sinkhole straight toward my highly personal version of heaven on earth, and
As Ravi's recent command of full sentences at the tender age of
Two and a half has offered our friendship the agility to converse upon
A variety of subjects, I can happily offer you a sampling of Ravi, giving
Voice to a two and half year old child's personal perceptions, which
Being self-empowered, act like a magic wand, spontaneously spiriting
Away my anxious state of mind in favor of transforming my tremulous
Smile into newly refueled and fully ignited sparkler as my active mind
Consciously acknowledges my good fortune to enjoy so much time engaging
With this delightful child's eager-to-absorb-everything-seen-and-heard brain:
Gramma Annie, a monter in your house

Taking me by the hand, Ravi's courageous imagination
Takes the lead, guiding us toward the monster
Tiptoe, Gramma, monter sleeping

Still holding hands, we tip toe, courageously, adventurously into
The monster's den (which, following Ravi's direction, happens to be
In my bedroom, where I come to see that the monster dwells inside my TV!
Placing her finger over her lips, Ravi cautions me—
Shhh, monter sleeping.

Suddenly, as though the monster is awakening, Ravi repeats:
Monter in your house, Gramma

Then, she adds:
Big bugs in your house, too
Monter eat big bugs

And thus do I play witness to Ravi's innate intelligence deducing that
She is safe, not only from hungry monsters but from big bugs, as well

So, where, you might ask, did the monster come from in the first place?
From within Ravi's active imagination (having watched the movie
FROZEN, one of her favorite films, about a zillion times)
And the big bugs?  They came from Ravi's budding adventure with reality
(As desert dwellers, who chose to build our home at the foot of
A mountain, we welcome our exterminator, monthly, as
A necessity—you see, big bugs, with which we share our habitat
Visit uninvited on a regular basis, and Ravi, who does not like
The presence of dead bugs, relies upon her defense system to
Make good use of Mother Nature's creative gift of
Intuitive imagination—most especially at those times when
A small child's personal sense of safety feels in anyway threatened)

BTW, you can bet your bottom dollar that no adult, harboring
Monstrous personal needs, is going to feel empowered to snare
Ravi's innocence within a secretive web on my watch ... in fact
Whenever Ravi enjoys a play date with her Gramma Annie
She's calmly encouraged to give voice to specific emotions which
Delight her natural strength of spirit or trouble her peace of mind

I happy, Gramma!
I sad, Gramma ...
I scared, Gramma
I mad, Gramma!
I berry mad at you, Gramma!

Knowing full well that emotional clarity is essential to
The on-going development of every mutually respectful relationship
(Including the relationship that Ravi develops with herself)
I ask my now-verbal two year old grand daughter questions, such as
These, which I'm about to serve up, thus offering Ravi's interactive
Thought processor reason to grow consciously aware of considering
The validity of her instinctual emotional reactions rather than stuffing them:

Why are you happy, Sweetheart?
Why are you sad?
Why are you scared?
Why are you berry mad at me?

If Ravi looks confused, I offer her bright mind choices to consider until
Her facial expressions and body language suggest that
Our moppet's naturally intuitive think tank is beginning to catch hold of
The concept that two heads, speaking and listening respectfully, back and
Forth, can be better than one when fear or frustration attacks peace of mind:

Are you happy because playing with Gramma is fun?
Yes, I happy!
Are you sad because you can't find Spirit (her favorite toy horse)?
Yes, I sad—where Spirit?
Do you need my help?
Yes, Gramma
Then all you need to do is say:
Where is Spirit?  I need help, Gramma
(And guess what happens next?)
Our little parrot responds on the spot with:
Where Spirit?  I need help, Gramma

And then we high-five and search, spiritedly, together

Are you scared because the noisy vacuum cleaner surprised you?
Uh huh, I scared

Are you mad at Gramma because you asked for a cookie, and
Gramma said:  Later, after lunch?
Un huh!  I mad!

If Ravi's spontaneous emotional reaction is to raise her voice
Gramma smiles and says, evenly:  Nice voice, please
Most usually, Ravi actually mimics me by modulating her tone to
Match mine while she naturally repeats my words:
Nice boise—and she's two a half!
Why is this happening?  I have no magic wand ...
Little monkey-faces instinctively mimic whatever they
See and hear big monkey-faces do and say

In addition to that scientific fact, I'm Ravi's gramma, whose
Well-practiced patience extends throughout our play date—and
As I refrain from household tasks, suggesting that playtime hath
No limits, my well-practiced choice of words, modulated
Reactions and calming voice tones consistently influence
Ravi's instinctive reactiveness to calm down, and each time
This sweet ray of sunshine spends the day with me, these
Tried and true methods of role modeling consistency
Encourage my two year old grand daughter's brain to freely
Absorb cooperative trains of thought and mutually respectful
Behaviors, which adults, universally, hope to encourage
Children to develop early on in life, and in this knowledgeable
Manner doth Gramma Annie's accumulation of
Child-raising knowledge serve to inspire Ravi's intuitive intelligence to
Begin to conscientiously absorb the importance of building
A healthy sense of respect for the validity of balancing instinctive
Emotional reactions with logical problem-solving skills, all around
(I was exactly Ravi's age when my grandpa and baby sister
Died, suddenly, tragically, several weeks apart, leaving every person
In my extended family (who'd normally taken care to keep me feeling safe)
Utterly traumatized, totally devastated and angry beyond
Comprehensible belief—as to less than three year old me—
My deeply impressionable mind found closets in which to hide and thus began
My pattern of stuffing[(repressing] many of my most fearful emotional reactions  ... )

Though I'd had no clue of my need to learn to practice, absorb and
Make sound use of mutually respectful speaking and listening
Skills when Barry was two, thank goodness, my power of intuition
Directed me to choose to attend parenting classes with a friend, beginning
When Steven was six months old and Barry, at two and a half, had naturally
Been challenging me by acting out in reaction to his instinct to mirror
The same facial expressions, body language and verbal tones, which
Had openly conveyed my impatience with a small child's
Highly impressionable, strong spirited, independent young mind
Bottomline, young children challenge intelligent adults to
Step up to the plate and hit homers that small fry can't hope to
Emulate without lots of gentle coaching and practice, over time—in short:
Big fox have to grow so foxy as to outfox little fox on the spot consistently

"When restraint and courtesy are added to strength
The latter becomes irresistible."
                      —Mahatma Gandhi

Once upon a time, a young teacher, who'd loved to
Encourage grammar school children to read, write and recite with
A growing sense of their self-confidence intact, had the good fortune to
Grow to become a loving wife and adoring mother of three adorable
Rambunctious little boys, before choosing to become
A college educator and author, whose enthusiastic, impassioned approach to
Her subject matter inspired parents as to how best to enjoy the children
They were raising before their offspring grew up to live with someone else
And never, until recent years did this woman have so much as
One conscious clue of the scary secret, repressed subconsciously, which
Her defense system had denied—though upon reflection, it's evident that
My power of intuition has consistently motivated me, even now, to walk
A path where my thirst to absorb, digest and make sound use of
Information, concerning the inner workings of my brain remains unquenched
And thus, over my adult lifetime, have I chosen to devour self-help texts as if
My peace of mind had depended upon questing for answers to questions, relating
To my unexplored need to identifying the main root of inner conflicts, so complex
As to confound the intelligence of well educated brains just as I continue to work to
Comprehend and resolve my own—as to Ravi, I'd estimate that
She actually responds quite well to calm, meaningful reasoning, about
90% of the time, leaving 10% of my time with her, actively engaged in
Teaching a young, highly impressionable brain the value of playing
The Cooperation Game rather than resorting to
The Power Struggle Game, which is so often the 'game' of choice as soon as
Small children and care giving adults begin to tantrum, back and forth
(The Power Struggle Game also proves the game of choice when
One adult goes to war with another for control—just saying ...)

Early on, during my self-motivated, self-help studies, I gained insight into
This fact:  The only way to win when any power struggle picks up steam
Is to exit stage right and refuse to play, at all—not an easy choice to choose
Most especially when love is at stake ...
(More about inspiring cooperation over power struggling in a later post)

Emotions (whether positively or negatively focused) are natural, real
Unpredictable and quite often much more complex than we can
See reflected on the surface of a person's demeanor

Emotional eruptions, which tend to boomerang back and forth
Emerge for sound reason—and that's most especially true when
Emotional reactions, stuffed during childhood, create confounding
Inner conflicts, which are difficult for highly educated adults to
Comprehend, and since we all harbor subconscious 'hot spots' that's
A primary reason why we experience anxious reactions, which
Disrupt peace of mind until whatever is repressed subconsciously
Has had time to calm back down (sleeping giants or sleeping 'monters')
In the case of those whose demons have disturbed a person's
Sense of personal safety to the point of being diagnosed with PTSD
Healing requires conscientiously mining the subconscious for
Scary details, repressed so deeply as to haunt our sense of
Well being until intuitive thought coaxes strings of insight to
Ride out of the dark side of personal experience on streaming
Trains of thought, which connect yesteryear's deeply stuffed
Traumas and fears with today's adult sense of logic, thus
Resulting in the reconstruction of childhood's misperceptions, which
Proved self demeaning (anxiety producing) in nature, and so
We come to see why parent and child or (two adults, who
Love each other, deeply) often find it difficult to problem solve
Logically and compassionately with each other once secreted
Vulnerabilities (Hot spots) are stimulated to flash out of
Subconscious storage only to crash head on—until
Such time as we begin to sense intuitive insight, concerning
Each one's highly personal hot spots of pain attempting to emerge from
Deep within the brain's darkest crevices, where
Self demeaning attitudes, stubbornly reside ...

If you hope to positively influence the natural state of
Emotional reactiveness that bursts forth from a child, today
May I respectfully suggest a universal need to tap into
Your intuitive intelligence, which may be coaxing you to seek
Professional guidance (because who has time or desire to read
More than one hundred self-help texts, today?) so as to inspire
Your thought processor to grow toward becoming such a compassionate
Listener and astute speaker as to provide each young voice in your home
With a safe haven in which to develop the ability to openly speak their
Minds honestly, respectfully and cooperatively by mimicking
The most respectful person that, one day, they'll feel fortunate to
Come to for guidance when life's inevitable dilemmas feel so complex as
To make two heads react better than one ruminating, alone

Gramma, hide!  Hide! Monter coming!
We can hide if the monster is scaring you, Ravi, or
We can remember not to be scared
Because the monster eats big bugs, not people

At this Ravi repeats my words (which had originally been her own):
Monter eat big bugs!

As each of our verbal discussions consistently exemplify
A loving adult's healthy respect for a small child's imagined fear
Ravi's fledging self-assertive voice repeatedly feels
Freely inspired to re-establish her personal sense of safety, resulting in
The restoration of her peace of mind, culminating in
Drawing forth Gramma and child's harmonic duet of smiles as
She and I enjoy an on-going series of strong spirited high-fives

So what, you may ask, is The Cooperation Game?
And why does two year old Ravi appear to react respectfully to
Making good natured deals with Gramma, which apparently appeal to her
Bright mind and independent spirit so as to quell a two year old child's
Instinctive, and thus naturally rebellious, emotional reactions?
Well, as seeing is believing, let's revisit two separate mornings when
Ravi and her gramma were getting ready to attend a weekly activity where
Our spirits enjoy a mutual sense of pleasure—Mom's and Tot's Dance Class ...
(Tots attend with moms, care takers, and in our case, Gramma Annie)

Breakfast with Papa, before leaving for dance class with Gramma, is lots of fun!

(Happily, Spirit, the tan horse, seen furthest from Ravi's plate, was found!)

1467J WHAT MOVES THE RUBBER TREE PLANT? THE ANT'S STRENGTH OF SPIRIT

Though you may not want to know that my intuition chose to
Add insights to post 1467 (eye), I feel beholden to tell you
It's too late to deny the fact that your think tank has already
Absorbed that piece of information, which, at this very moment
May be tickling your curiosity to take a peek at what
My intuitive intelligence felt need to convey to
My conscious awareness when I awakened, today
And since I pen every insight that my intuitive voice feels need to
Express (because insights that flash through my mind during
Personal growth spurts, often find themselves in need of
Tweaking once a growth spurt inspires the next), and
With thoughts of all people in need of making
Mental adjustments, from time to time,  I hope
You'll vent any frustration, which may arise when my process
Takes two steps forward, one back, by choosing to slip
Slices of your existential voice into my comment box in hopes that
Morsels of your intuitive intelligence may expand upon my own ...
You see, each time my posts are answered with silence
The only intuitive voice that inspires my spirit to recoup
The energy necessary to ascend above the second rung of
My step stool's current mental plateau is my own, so
If your intuitive voice has something to say that
May induce mine to dive back into the deep end of my mind in
Hopes of resurfacing with a more comprehensive understanding of
What I might achieve upon mustering the courage to ascend to
Rung three, who knows what insight, spotlighting yet another
Self demeaning, self-defeating misperception may be sighted, inspiring
My brain to think smart before an unexpected eruption of
PTSD can hijack my balanced sense of logic, and with today's
Self empowering train of thought clearly in mind
My spirit (no longer feeling enervated), may actually
Revitalize so as to motivate my mind and body to
Rise to the task of moving my own personal
Rubber tree plant at least one small step closer to home
Whew!

Last night Will's eyes and mine were glued to
Our TV screen while our minds absorbed
The final episode of a gripping mini series, concerning
The unflagging inner drive that drove
Albert Einstein's conscious awareness to forsake the needs of
His young family, so consumed was his spirit with
Committing his entire brain toward achieving
Awe inspiring levels of scientific discovery by
Elevating his mind's capacity to theorize above and
Beyond the comprehension of his highly esteemed
Colleagues, and as pure genius is wont to do, this man, whose
Brain was obsessed with scientific study 24/7, directed not so much
As a fleeting thought toward considering the utterly disrespectful
Emotionally devastating effect that his lack of balance
Perpetrated upon his heartbroken loved ones, whose
Personal needs were completely disregarded as if to say that
Any person, who had the audacity to interrupt his work, proved
Expendable, and though Professor Einstein's creative genius, unleashed
Trains of mathematical thought, which sensationalized society's
Sense of progress in the most astounding ways, those who engage in
Egocentric feats of genius have also been known to commit
Such flagrant fouls against humanity in the name of
Scientific exploration as to cause my chest to constrict and
My heart to shudder as the brutal horrors of
Dr. Josef Mengele's heartless experiments flash through my mind

Young Einstein's intuitive powers elevated his thought process in
Such a step-by-step fashion above the intellectual think tanks of
His professors as to find his theoretical hypothesis ridiculed until
His determination to prove his hypothesis, concerning relativity
Elevated his brilliance to compute heightened dimensions of
Mathematical comprehension so as to have mystified
The highest echelon of scientific minds of his day, and though
My mental capacity could never hope to fathom
The dizzying achievements of Einstein's work
I can clearly understand and concur with several statements
Expressed so simply by this brainiac as to fire up
My spirit, most especially at times when mental fatigue
Threatens to usurp control over every fiber of my being
And knowing that timing is everything, I believe
The time is ripe to end today's train of intuitive thought by
Quoting Einstein, whose specific choice of words fuels
The belief system that repeatedly inspires my spirit to
Free my mind of inner conflict, thus empowering
My whole sense of self to take periodic leaps of faith, each
Of which expands the capacity of my think tank to
Freely embrace a step by step approach toward
Achieving gains in personal growth, no matter my age:

"I believe in intuition and inspiration."

1467 'eye' LET'S NAME THE MAIN SOURCE OF HUMAN ENERGY

Gimme an S
Gimme a   P
Gimme an I
Gimme an R
Gimme an I
Gimme a  T
What have we got?
(Your turn to sound off, my turn to quiet my mind ...)

PS
This morning, rather than editing post 1467G
My intuitive powers chose to
Awaken my conscious awareness to subconscious
Readiness to slip additional insights into post 1467H

If mustering patience with my process continues
To feel mentally taxing, please know that
No one agrees with you more than me ... sigh
On the other hand, in defense of my brain's
Slo-mo process of self-healing (which takes place from
The inside out), I  hope you can see your way toward
Agreeing that tis far from easy for any mortal to
Work conscientiously toward identifying
Subconscious patterns of thought in hopes of progressing
One step at a time, toward openly confronting
Negatively focused attitudes, which continue to influence
Many of today's decisions that are still based in
Self demeaning misperceptions that
We've unwittingly carried forward ever since childhood
And thus, with hopes of creating lasting change for the better
I humbly, graciously and attentively work to
Making such good use of Mother Nature's gift of
Intuition as to listen ever more closely for those times when
My intuitive powers act as the conduit offering
My conscious intelligence the ability to draw forth
My sixth sense which is known to communicate so
Clearly with the subconscious portion of my brain as to
Inspire my think tank to connect with today's clairvoyant
Sense of yesteryear's misperception, which, over my lifetime
Proved so disrespectfully self demeaning as to have caused
My decision-maker to experience self defeat, repeatedly, until
My therapist inspired my conscious awareness to
Listen up, dive deep into my past and emerge
From the darkness, repeatedly, with intuitive insights, concerning
My need to engage with a step by step process of
Personal growth so as to brighten my brain to hook up with
The intelligent, very good person I've always chosen to be
And if you ask which part of my being serves as
The energy force that drives my curious mind to dive
Ever more deeply into my past, I'd reply:
Gimme an S ... and no bouncing ball is necessary, because
I know that you know the rest of that cheer by heart ...

1467H WHICH CAME FIRST? HYPER-VIGILANCE OR THE FIXER

At the age of three, hyper vigilance became my brain's natural setting
Why?  Because I felt need to stop danger from sneaking into my home and
Pulling the rug out from under my family's sense of inner peace

At seventy three, I've worked to strip away denial in favor of accepting
This reality:  No matter my vigilance, the world as we know it has never been
A safe place to call home, suggesting why peace of mind is fleeting

With that insight in mind, common sense suggests that
From this day forward, I'll work toward adopting a new attitude in
Hopes of creating this change for the better when anxiety strikes:

I'll consciously call upon the courageous side of my brain to
Coax my trigger-happy, hyper vigilance to relax before
My over-active imagination shoots my intelligence in the head

I mean, seriously .. it makes no sense to retire The Family Fixer if
My brain's predisposition to hyper vigilance continues to run wild and free
Until anxiety drains the the main source of my mental energy dry

Since Mother Nature chose to divide the human think tank into
Two opposing sides (anxious negativity vs courageous positivity)
You can see why my line of control has had its work cut out for itself

(Anyone want to chance a guess at naming
The main source of the human brain's mental energy?
Here's a hint:  It starts with an 's'

BTW,  Post 1467G has been withdrawn for extensive editing
Thank goodness, my line of control has adopted a humble attitude, which
Holds fast to humility rather than giving humiliation free rein ...

1467F MUSTERING HUMILITY PROVES NECESSARY TO ASCEND TO RUNG THREE

Now that my sense of readiness has pulled this continuous train of thought, which, over these past several weeks, has been tunneling out of my depths into my conscious awareness, I'll be sure to review this series of posts multiple times for this reason:  My think tank plans to sponge up every new string of insights that serves to illuminate my need to remember the wealth of knowledge, which has been stored in an orderly fashion within a wide assortment of file cabinets that will, hopefully, become more assessable to the expansive nature my conscious awareness than had been true in the past.

Thank goodness, my friend Socrates cared so deeply about the spiritual well-being of mankind as to have inspired Plato to pen his mentor's trains of thought in hopes of enticing the minds of future disciples (like me) to work industriously toward carving out insight-driven, existential paths of our own where individuals feel free to mindfully create and record step-by-step plans of action that will serve to disseminate a wealth of knowledge in hopes of strengthening a person's mental connection to positively focused attitudes in hopes of enhancing self worth as strategically as this week's brand new, three step plan is poised to heal the wounded portions of my self image so as to deliver the whole of my self esteem into the heartfelt embrace of my thought processor's emotionally matured sense of personal safety whenever negatively focused parent tapes, stored inside my head, are triggered to switch on, and once this week's three step plan feels firmly ensconced within the forefront of my mind, rarely will a positively focused train of thought spontaneously switch tracks toward those self defeating, overbearing parental attitudes, which had been empowered to guilt my host of adult personal strengths into cowering so shamefully as to collapse my self worth as suddenly as had proved true when my budding sense of self respect had been sucked into a bottle-necked, self-made quagmire of a sink hole if my think tank had exposed the audacity to refuse to vote in total agreement with my parents' or friends' defensive lines of reasoning.  If peace at any cost had once been my subconscious motto, today, I can clearly see that what I'd elected to lose, until recent years, was the on-going development of my self respectful voice, which, depending on the circumstances, tends to come and go, depending upon the sliding scale that determines the momentary level of my self worth

As to now, you'd be surprised at how readily I can clearly express emotional trains of thought while writing, whereas confronting certain topics, person to person, still strains my brain to the point of twisting my tongue into tense, little knots, causing self assertive thoughts, which remain unvoiced, to back up, forming lumps of adrenaline-soaked anxiety that get stuck in my throat.

And now, let's ascend to the third rung of my step stool, where we'll see humility offering my present mindset sound reason to expand my sights, concerning my self worth, yet again, by way of enticing my think tank to muster the courage to take another huge leap of faith over the next layer of my defensive wall of denial, thus freeing the bright spotlight of insight to shine upon the subconscious train of thought that triggered this current episode of PTSD to highjack my think tank's connection to intelligence, logic, clarity and objectivity by sucking my self worth (along with my spirit) into a sink hole of my own making, several weeks back:

First of all, much of the subconscious commotion that overwhelms my thought processor's logical problem solving agility doth not infer that my mother and father (who were very good people) were not loving parents, because they were.  Just as their defense systems' lack of patience made mistakes while raising their kids, I made mistakes while raising mine.  And secondly, it's important to note that a wealth of self help books (other than the one authored by Dr. Spock), addressing the complex make-up of the human psyche, was not available to my parents' generation, suggesting the primary reason why much of the mental commotion that disrupts my peace of mind, from time to time, points toward my need to further develop my thought processor's organizational skills in hopes of rearranging the file cabinet stored inside my long range memory to operate like well oiled, finely tuned, solution seeking machine.  In short, each time my brain short wires, some aspect of my thought processor, which runs 24/7, is in need of a tune up, so that if something triggers a negatively focused, subconscious file to fly open, my intuitive intelligence can spontaneously call forth my self respecting line of self control to identify and soothe yesteryear's pain before fear of additional pain hits anxiety's accelerator so quickly as to trigger a flood of adrenaline that unwittingly throws my entire think tank into reverse, freeing my limbic system to hijack my self worth before my neocortex regains the logic necessary to slam on the brakes and throw the throttle into park until my fully conscious sense of objective awareness rises above unresolved subconscious emotion in order to rebalance my subconscious fear of human vulnerability with sound reason for continuing to develop the connective tissue that serves to strengthen the bonds of my self worth (step one) and self respect (step two) in order to muster the courage to develop (practice using) my self assertive voice (step three) ...

1467E LET'S ASCEND TO RUNG TWO ON MY STEP STOOL

And up we go to step two, where a more expansive view of my need to identify another personal vulnerability opens my eyes to how often unhealed wounds to my self image prove responsible for pulling the rug out from under my sense of self worth whenever I forget to remind myself how often subconscious fear of displeasing my loved ones charges me guilty of committing such serious crimes as to pronounce myself unworthy of love until an intuitive train of thought, conveying insight into deeper truth to the conscious portion of my mind, has tunneled through my memory in search of highlightung a defining moment from my childhood, which shows me being too severely chastised so as to offer my growing sense of conscious awareness the clarity to see how often the hypnotic persistence of parental tapes act like the smoking gun that shoots me in the head, triggering subconscious episodes of PTSD in which I judge my human vulnerabilities guilty of committing crimes against my family so terrible as to sentence myself to life in purgatory as if, committing a series of misdemeanors is synonymous with deeming myself a serial killer, and having coaxed my intelligence to ascend to rung two of this virtual step stool, my brain, operating as an objective whole, can clearly grasp this next insight, which rising above the din of my subconscious fears, can be seen shining its spotlight on the primary reason why a previous train of thought had pronounced my brain capable of shrinking sink holes of mega proportions into potholes after time spent in solitary confinement offered my central nervous system a quiet place in which to relax inner tension, freeing my intuitive powers to reflect over a detailed account of my most recent thoughts, words, intentions and reactions, thus releasing objectivity to take the witness stand in hopes of offering my internal judge and jury sound reason to revoke my subconscious errors of self-judgment so as to declare a mistrial, based in new evidence, which proves my conscience innocent of having committed a series of crimes so heinous as to have severed my subconscious connection to self love, repeatedly, until today when my belief in my intuitive powers tossed my guilty conscience a rope with which to pull both sides of my mind (past and present), out of purgatory's sink hole, which I now know will never shrink into a pothole.

On the other hand, time spent in solitude provides my intelligence with a safe place where I can examine the overwhelming presence of subconscious fears, which (stalking my peace of mind like a pride of hungry lions pacing back and forth inside their cages) are in need of naming and taming in hopes of coaxing negatively focused attitudes to reform, freeing my intuitive intelligence to create positively focused, lasting changes for the better, which always prove to be my think tank's main goal, and suddenly, today's train of thought has provided me with the insight to see that my main goal for penning my life story has switched tracks from inspiring readers to seek to know themselves in depth toward securing my sense of objectivity before subconscious fear causes clarity to grow too hazy to identify when to throw my intuitive intelligence a rope in readiness to pull my self-respecting self image to shore moments before a pothole feels reason to grow into a mega-sized sink hole of my own making, inside my head.  And thus has a plan shaped up inside my mind:  As soon as my spirit feels itself slipping into a pothole that feels like a foxhole in which I feel need to protect my vulnerabilities from enemy fire, I'll toss my think tank one end of a rope (whose other end has been firmly tied to my trusty, three tiered step stool).  Then, having enlisted my sense of courage to take hold of the loose end of the rope, I'll pull the wounded portions of my self respect out of harm's way and proceed to ascend my step stool in order to see over and beyond my wall of denial.  And lo and behold, while standing on step three, I'll spy my lifelong need to turn down the volume on a series of negatively focused parental tapes that trigger an army of subconscious fears (concerning my unworthiness) to reawaken, shoot down my sense of objective reflection and imprison my sense of clarity in a tower, surrounded by fog.  And not until the over-reactive nature of these parent tapes have been disarmed by my adult connection to common sense will my wounded sense of self respect stop flailing around, feeling lost in a flash flood of adrenaline, which serves to cast my thought processor's connection to logic adrift, struggling to lift my smarts above the mega swirl of mental confusion that pierces my heart as soon as any personal encounter stimulates a parent tape to switch itself on, triggering an episode of PTSD to filter so stealthily into my conscious awareness as to capture my thought processor within a subconscious trance as quickly as the wave of a wizard's wand can cast a hypnotic spell  ...

Fortunately, this imaginative wizard, who calls my think tank, home, is also capable of creating positively focused spells, which rather than being hypnotic, prove transformative in the best of ways

Unfortunately, reversing hypnotic spells, based in the subconscious arousal of negatively focused parental tapes, takes time, energy and work, because subconscious attitudes, like habits, are highly unlikely to change for the better with the wave of a wand ...

As to my ending today's post on a negative note, that's not really the case
In fact, what I've done is to consciously call forth objectivity to shine its bright spotlight of insight upon my intuitive need to balance positive focus with clear shots of reality in hopes of injecting today's connection between self respect and self worth with common sense

Oh!  One more thing:
Did I think to mention that 'parent tapes' serve as an umbrella, covering a wide assortment of self deprecating memories of insults, which had spewed so freely from the mouths of boys and girls, whose bullying tendencies had caused my self worth to shrink back behind my many layered wall of denial before school, after school and on the playground, as well?

Oh!  One last thing:
Did I remember to highlight that each insulting slur, woven into a child's memory, is seven times more weighty when determining sliding scales of self esteem than is true of compliments?

PS
If there's one thing that I know for certain it's this:
The positively focused wizard, who calls my think tank home, has her work cut out for her ... good thing her primary mantra reminds her to never give up on making sound use of self-transformative creativity, which, culminating in change for the better, lifts my mind and spirit above yesteryear's subconscious fog, one step stool at a time ...

1467D FEAR NAMED IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH FEAR TAMED

Having named many fears that haunt my social conscience sees me standing on the first rung of a virtual step stool that my sense of courage must climb if I hope to peer beyond this current layer of my defense system's wall of denial in order to get a clear view of a negatively focused character trait that I've not yet consciously acknowledged as my own.  And if you ask why my power of intuition has suddenly compelled my conscious awareness to tune into parent tapes, I'd reply:  Whenever my peace of mind succumbs to a confounding rise in my stress level, my survival instinct floods my mind with adrenaline-driven anxiety, offering my smarts sound reason to rebalance my present perspective of personal vulnerabilities and strengths by directing insight's spotlight to focus my conscious awareness upon a specific train of thought that will identify my subconscious resistance to maximizing my contentment at this late stage of my life ... after all, if longevity is in my genes then it's highly possible that a fourth of my life is yet to be enjoyed!

As is true of most posts, I began to write post 1467C without a conscious clue as to how my intuitive powers might coax my conscious awareness to identify a mysterious train of thought, which has been tunneling through my subconscious, disrupting my peace of mind until a string of insights shone its spotlight upon that step stool, mentioned above, and once the presence of this step stool shaped up inside my mind, curiosity aroused the imaginative portion of my brain to muster the gumption to climb up to the first rung in hopes of discovering another negatively focused character trait or unnamed fear that's been haunting my self image with bouts of undeserved guilt ever since childhood when the undeveloped nature of my thought processor had misinterpreted the complex nature of explosive emotional reactions emanating impatiently from authority figures to whom I'd offered my love so unconditionally as to have patterned my mind to believe that any demonstration of over-reactiveness on their parts must have, somehow, been all my fault ... so if, consequential of my youthful inability to comprehend emotional complexity, I'd committed an on-going series of age-appropriate misdemeanors only to find myself falling victim to overwhelming and deeply confounding internal sensations of parental pressure to toe the impossible mark of perfection, most especially in the wake of Janet's tragic death when tension, grief and tortured exclamations of blame ran so high as to annihilate any reaction resembling patience with a deeply confounded, panic stricken, three year old tyke then we can understand what caused my think tank to split into warring camps, one side of which would consciously and courageously stamp my foot, declaring myself innocent of committing murder while subconsciously my three year old mind would have unwittingly absorbed absolute authority's lack of objectivity, suggestive of my inexperienced intelligence succumbing to condemning myself guilty as charged of wrongdoing so heinous as to misjudge myself unworthy of love, and knowing that the subconscious self-worth of a pleaser with perfectionistic tendencies depends upon the sliding scale of outside validation, my connection to self love would subconsciously sever from my personal sense of safety each time a loved one or authority figure so much as frowned in my direction, and now that my intuition has empowered today's mysterious train of thought to tunnel through my subconscious, coupling insights together until deeper truth has guided our conscious minds to see the light of a brand new dawning, we come to see why over achievers feel compelled to do more than our fair share whenever help may be needed so as to block an eruptive episode of PTSD from sitting a good child in the hot seat, where she or he, feeling deeply wounded and utterly confounded, replays parent tapes, which serve to disconnect intelligent thought from self respect as soon as subconscious flashbacks, which stimulate anxiety to strike, open sink holes within our think tanks of such mega proportions as to suck the energy right out of our spirits' sense of personal safety, leaving our thought processors feeling blindsided by mental confusion, which signals an attitude of defensiveness to usurp control over the human brain's ability to think smart on the spot, and once defensiveness displaces objectivity, my sudden lack of self respect threatens my peace of mind with resurrecting the same degree of emotional pain, fear and grief as had been true during my youth when, having disappointed a loved one, all I'd wanted to do was to curl up in the fetal position and pull a paper bag over my head so as to hide my shameful imperfections from prying eyes until my spirit, feeling somewhat re-energized, inspires my intuitive intelligence to grow ever more attentive to my need to muster the courage to remove the paper bag and open my eyes to confront and absorb yet another insight-laden, deeper truth, concerning a vulnerability that has been in need of clarifying, naming and strengthening ever since the role I'd assumed as The Fixer in the aftermath of my birth family's tragedy led three-year old me to carve out a path where a hefty portion of my fledgling sense of self-respect had failed to develop the wingspan necessary to expand my horizons beyond serving the needs of those I love so as to free my smarts to choose when to fly on my own, above the incessant demands of the maddening crowd most especially at those times when conflicting needs crash into each other's heads so painfully as to force me to fly separate from the flock in order to hear my voice declaring that my think tank heed my inner need to empower my personal strengths to lift my sense of self respect over parent tapes, which had focused my perfectionistic-good girl-tendencies toward toeing the mark by clipping my own wings, repeatedly ...
Whew!

1467C MY CURRENT INNER CONFLICT HAS BEEN NAMED!

Aha!
It's The Fixer's subconscious resistance to retirement that has been undermining
My peace of mind by attempting to usurp control over my think tank, anew!
And while I've been blaming 'old age' for my inability to muster the energy to
Sit unnamed fear in a time out chair, insight into deeper truth suggests that
Most of my mental energy has been redirected toward wrestling with
The Fixer, who has been stealthily attempting to turn my think tank into
A five star general, capable of winning a war that continues to
Confound all the people in the world who feel compelled to
Defeat terrorists of all ages on so many fronts that
It's next to impossible to leave our homes, feeling safe ...
Yesterday, while listing fears, did I remember to include
Global warming and the 'ify' nature of our stock market's volitility?
Did I mention inadequate funding allocated for our children's schools? Or
Rising premiums on medical insurance?  How about families and friends
Mourning countless lives lost in battle?  Veterans returning in need of
Artificial limbs as well as EMDR therapy to ease the subconscious
Portion of their battle-fatigued minds of PTSD?  Old age looming
Directly overhead?  (Geez!  Can you imagine the nervy nature of that fear
Managing to squeeze itself out of my subconscious, again, right here?)
And let's not forget the slo-mo war being fought throughout
The Middle East, which the world congress has done too little to stop from
Exploding over innocent heads on both sides for so long a time that
Future historians will S urely look back upon this war as rivaling
The Hundred Year War by thousands of years!  Though leadership
Throughout the greater part of the Middle East has consistently
Fueled the fires of anti semitism to flare in a most glaring manner
This pressing problem of global refusal to fully acknowledge
The damaging factor of propagating prejudicial slurs of
One people against another has been in the process of
Unrepressing throughout our nation ever since Trump's
Divisive attitude opened the door in our communal wall of
Denial, behind which lies that sink hole of mega proportions, within
Which lurks a giant deterrent to world peace that embodies
The evil capacity to swallow up our global state of
Mental confusion just as a giant serpent can swallow
A sleeping man whole, so perhaps with all of these files
Flying open inside my mind, my mental connection to
Positive focus could only stretch so far before my brain, feeling
Bulldozed by my Fixer's need to resolve conflicts beyond
My control, ran smack into this episode of PTSD (if I'm enjoying
This stage of my life rather than pulling the wounded off
Battlefields then my self worth slides into a quagmire of
Quicksand faster than my think tank can throw itself a rope),
As each episode of PTSD stimulates my survival instinct to
Arise and shut down my sense of logic, diverting every iota of
My mental energy toward maximizing my ability to
Fight, flee or freeze in hopes of saving humanity from
Annihilating itself (thus, saving my life, as well)
My subconscious need to call forth The Fixer (who
Had need to retire) to save the world from
Imploding or exploding, whichever comes first ... explains why
The subconscious portion of my brain succeeded in hijacking
 My sense of clarity's connection to logic, leaving most of
My brain, body and spirit feeling utterly overwhelmed by
The attitude of doom and gloom that pinned 99% of
My positive focus to the mat. And now that
My fully conscious, frightening confrontation with clarity
Has shown us why subconscious need to feel safe in an unsafe world
Directed my power of positive thinking to shrink a sinkhole as
Monumental as this one proves to be into a pothole, we can also see why
My Herculean efforts to bury subconscious fear, pain and anger
Ever more deeply within my subconscious served to overwhelm
My think tank, which assumed that my spirit could prevail by
Sailing over world-wide pain, anger and fear, which, rather than
Being imagined, is ever so real as to inspire my sense of insight to
Internalize the pain of others while my positively focused attitude wrestles with
Monstrous degrees of negatively focused cruelty, which continues to erupt as
Madness, escaping from within the bowels of mindless barbarism
Brainwashes human beings of all ages to revel in maiming and murdering
Innocent victims in the name of extremist fervor not unlike
The flaming tirades of religious zealots during
The Spanish Inquisition (when Morranos hid their Jewish affiliation in
Basements throughout Italy), unlike righteous Christians, who, within
My lifetime, chose to hide Jews from Nazis in attics and basements
Throughout Europe ... and knowing that both sides of
Human nature compete for space within every person's brain
What are we to do when today's brutal extremists threaten to
Usurp control over the world as a whole?
We most certainly do not elect a President whose utter lack of
Respect for diplomatic, solution seeking skills makes matters even worse!
And yet, that's precisely what we just did, and if that
Unbelievable reality has blown holes through my sense of sanity then
What else must befall us, as a nation, before our congress awakens to
Their need to hold themselves accountable to serve the greater
Good of our nation by not dragging their collective feet in fear of
Losing their seats, which they no longer deserve to call
Their own, because each and every time congress is in session, the
Main responsibility is to meet ... not the dictates of their parties or
To pander to the greed of big business or to propagate personally
Prejudicial attitudes but rather to heed their citizens' need to secure
Physical safety from harm and freedom of mind and heart
All of which are necessary to securing spiritual health

When we fail to connect the dots linking Simon Legree's whip with
Hitler's death threats to rule the world with Islamic extremists' declarations of
World dominance, we fail to note that Israel is not the only nation facing
The unconscionable threat of being drowned in the sea or blown to
Smithereens, whichever comes first... so when our President's narrow minded
Attitude of divisive isolationism inspires fear in deep thinking minds, I believe
That's because a majority of like-minded people throughout our nation, many of
Whom failed to vote, have not forgotten that united we must stand if extremists
Brainwashed to die for reasons that defy logic, are to be defeated, once and for all

This bigger picture that my intuitive powers just released from
The inner sanctum of my mind, where an overwhelming storehouse of
Fear and anger may still be repressed, suggests that Trump's blustering
Think tank blinds his intelligence and that of his cronies from acknowledging
Our current set of global crises (which the nations of the world as a whole can
No longer deny) with anything resembling clarity is this:
At the same time that the nations, which make up our world, are facing
A host of man-made crises, our president's lack of insight, concerning
The bigger picture, is darkening the attitudes of our allies when
We're in need of reacting like a band of brothers as had proved true during
World War I and World War II ... and if it's true that
United we stand so as to eventually win over extremist attitudes then
Tis also true that divided we fail each other so miserably as to have
Inspired my power of intuitive thought to break through my
Wall of denial and openly confront a host of subconscious fears that
Ganged up on my inner strengths like a bunch of thugs until
My thought processor's body of acquired knowledge
STOOD UP TO CONSCIOUSLY CONFRONT THIS EPISODE OF PTSD
So as to free the overwelming pressure of repressed subconscious fear, which
Made me feel as if a near and present, personally threatening
Stranger Danger was closing in, and by naming my fears, I've managed to
Regain control over the presence of mindfulness necessary to state
This trilogy of posts so clearly for myself as to identify
The host of inner conflicts that had fuzzied up my brain, blocking
My sense of insight from spotlighting my need to act wholely in
My best interest by consciously reminding my Fixer to accept
Its recent retirement, thus freeing my aging (but proactive) mind to
Relax until an ethical candidate emerges from within the ranks of
Leadership, whose communication skills and oratory strengths can
Rally the majority of well-educated American voters to
Open their eyes, ears and mindsets before our current blowhard leaves
Naught but carnage in the wake of his egocentric, rabble rousing
Reign over the free and the brave, and having summoned
A positive thought, at last (based in my belief that
It's impossible to think that no one, across our great nation, embodies
Those personal strengths) I'm about to pull this post into a rest station, and
Take a leap of faith off this train of thought in favor of fully appreciating
My good fortune to enjoy a play date with Ravi's bright, young mind, which
Never fails to charm mine with everything her thought processor
Soaks up as eagerly as a brand new, thirsty sponge ... and just think ...
The only thing that this trilogy of posts has changed, thus far, is my attitude

1467B AN OVER-WROUGHT TRAIN OF THOUGHT

Upon awakening, this morning, my eyes opened to see
Will smiling at me, and naturally, I offered up
A tremulous smile of my own, followed by hearing
This train of conscious thought chugging out of
The tunnel inside my brain where repressed emotion
Seeks to be illuminated by the bright light of insight, which
Thankfully began to pour forth, ever so naturally, from my mouth:
I'm completely overwhelmed by my inability to repair
All that's broken throughout the world, and
That's why I can't read the paper, watch the news or
Accept the fact that Trump was actually elected to uphold
The highest office in the land ...
I can't stand to watch people, educated or not, continue to
Make a mess of the world, and my mantra (one of several, which
Had in the past served to remind me of my human limitations)
Is not producing a calming effect on the heightened level of
Frustration that continues to irritate my peace of mind until
My storehouse of patience feels so unnerved as if
Malevolence is closing in on all sides, and though
I know that the world was messy before I was born, and
It will be messy after I'm gone, while I'm still here, deeper truth
Suggests that all I need do to calm down this overwhelming
Sense of frustration is to accept the fact that most of
The ills of the world are beyond my control, and once that
Train of thought finds its angle of repose inside
My head, my time and energy can attend to tidying up
My little corner of the world ... Sounds good. Right?
Except here's the rub:  Though that stream of consciousness
Worked like magic before Trump's election, all of
The bafoonary that's taken place in the aftermath of
His inauguration has stimulated my sense of
Politics to grow hyper-critical of the alarming degree of
Corruption that persists throughout every level of
Our governing bodies, which is why I can no longer define
The boundaries that separate my little corner from
The world at large, and my inability to compartmentalize
My mind frees my imagination to go to the dark side as if
Terrorist extremists, drug cartels, sex traffickers
Child soldiers shouldering rifles, gunmen aiming to invade
The sanctity of our schools where latch key children
Starving for parental attentiveness, grow up to join forces with
Corporate American Midas-like greed, and knowing that
Subconscious attitudes such as these prove to be based
In reality overwhelms my peace of mind ... and if
You agree that this list of fears is incomplete ...
You couldn't be more right if you tried ...

1467A BACK TO EASIER SAID THAN DONE

Over these past few weeks, I've relied on my intuitive powers to release the answer to this question:  What the heck has been causing my thought processor to feel too hazy to think clearly?  And though, during recent weeks, my stream of consciousness has considered a list of possible causations, this intermittent sense of mental confusion persists in plaguing my mind, suggesting that the main source of my thought processor's emotional irritation has yet to be accurately diagnosed, because, so far, naught has offered my sense of mental heaviness reason to lift for more than a day or two at a time.
.
On the other hand, the hazy nature of the weight I'm carrying inside my head may be indicative of too many worry-files flying open, all at once.  So, all I can say with any degree of clarity, thus far, is this:  As of right now, I'm tired of working to figure myself out, and if that statement makes you ask:  Then why not just stop? Or take a another break?  I'd reply:  Long standing habits are hard to break.  And since my thought processor is accustomed to working toward solutions until my fuel tank starts to sputter, today's wearied stream of consciousness may be indicating that my habit of problem-solving till my brain is running on fumes is another self defeating pattern that's in need of change ...

Guess I'll just have to tolerate this episode of mental discomfort until whatever's brewing deep within my mind is ready to pour itself out ...