Having worked with due diligence to 'know myself' in depth
I'd mistakenly perceived that my inner life and outer life matched until
I awoke with today's string of emergent insights directing
My conscious mind to pen this post, which is about to offer
Sound reason as to why my previous belief can't be 100% true:
My brain still compartmentalizes subconscious fears, repressed from
My conscious awareness, leading to my harboring
A sense of mental conflict in which clarity gives way to
An anxious sense of cloudied confusion, and
Each time an uprising of yesteryear's unresolved
Confusion interferes with today's well-earned, personal sense of
Peaceful contentment, I have need to consciously appreciate
My having had the good sense to embark upon
A life-long quest to identify (and heal my brain) from bouts of
PTSD by way of participating in EMDR therapy, which strengthens
My intelligence's ability to tap into insight-laden streams of
Intuitive thought at those times when a resurgence of
Subconscious anxiety, based in deja vu, might otherwise
Shanghai my smarts, bending my will toward treading
The fearful (pessimistic) fork in the road ...
During last week's session of EMDR therapy, we discussed
Objectivity ... however, rather than growing more objectively
Compassionate for the other guy's pain, I acknowledged that
For the most part, my peace of mind depends upon
Reflecting over my life-long need to be less hard on myself ...
Last week, I underwent a minor surgery to excise
A squamous celled carcinoma, and rather than berating myself
When mild anxiety began to heighten, I consciously linked
My original perception of an over reaction to a leakage of
PTSD, concerning a subconscious flashback to my brain surgery of
Fiteen years ago when the depth of my fear of a life-threatening
Tumor was shown to no one, including me, and perhaps
My intuitive need to unrepress the latent nature of that fear
Had subconsciously connected to my earlier fear of
Impending death when a trio of serious surgeries saw me in
Intensive care after a head-on collision with a drunken truck driver
Whose sudden swerve over the double yellow lines into
Our lane on a rainy night, thirty-eight years ago, pinpoints
A double whammy that my power of intuition has surreptiously
Tapped into each time I've felt a surge of unshed tears threaten to
Overwhelm my tremulous smile ever since
This small squamous celled carcinoma was diagnosed ...
So how, you might ask, does today's positively focused attitude save
My think tank from feeling sucked into the rapids of
Yesteryear's repressed anxiety? Well, I consciously remind myself of
My good fortune, concerning these undeniable facts:
The profound nature of that auto accident did not put out my lights
The profound nature of that brain tumor diagnosis did not put out my lights
The profound nature of Takotsubo, simulating a heart attack, did
Not put out my lights, and the fact that the profound nature of
A squamous celled carcinoma was detected, early on during
My semi-annual skin cancer screening, prevented last week's
Mohs surgery from being deeply invasive, suggesting that
My think tank has learned to control mild bouts of anxiety from
Escalating into over-blown reactions, which brings us to
This very moment in time when your friend, Annie, can be seen
Writing in the aftermath of Mohs surgery in hopes of offering
My conscious awareness time to consider what may have caused
My anxiety to rise to the point of swallowing
My (false) pride in favor of asking Will to accompany me to
This minor surgery rather than driving myself as I'd originally planned
And considering the importance of that change in my mindset
(I'd rarely asked for help until I was at the end of my rope)
Let's pinpoint where my conscious sense of personal growth has
Most recently matured: First of all, my defense system did not
Repress the presence of latent anxiety, mounting inside
Secondly, I chose to ask Will for loving support (which
He'd originally offered and I'd good naturedly refused)
Then rather than chastizing myself with undeserved guilt when
My husband cheerfully cancelled his golf game, I nurtured
My vulnerability as compassionately as that of a cherished friend, and
Having taken the time to write today's train of intuitive thought, I can feel
My tremulous smile strengthening, based in my newfound ability to
Equalize the value I've placed upon respecting my needs alongside
My desire to please Will, who proved not to be displeased upon
Cancelling his plans in the least ... Oh! Wow!
Guess what else I just realized?
In addition to acknowledging this most recent leap of faith, confirming
My heightened sense of respect for my self worth ...
Today is the anniversary of my brain surgery ... And once again
All's well that ends well!
(Though the exact date escapes me, my brain surgery took place the morning after Memorial Day ... thus, offering me reason to marvel, again, at self-empowered, intuitive trains of thought, which amaze the conscious portion of my mind with the human brain's innate capability to heal itself of wounds to the psyche, festering subconsciously, behind each person's defensive wall of denial.)
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