1396 IRONY

Wouldn't cha just know it!
Here I am, penning insight into need to call forth my Line of Control at those times when a sudden spike in anxiety shatters my sense of clarity for reasons as yet unknown when guess who awakened to that unnerving state of mind, this morning?

So, first thing I did was to tell myself 'I am safe.'
Next up, I sought Will's support:
Will, who had already arisen and was completing his daily grooming routine, opened his arms to gather me close as soon as he saw me approaching with my arms out stretched, and when I said, tell me I'm safe, he replied, Annie, you're safe; nothing bad is happening.  What's going on?

My response:  After yesterday's session of EMDR, some tie to the past must have begun to filter into my conscious mind, but, so far, I have no clue, other than this anxious reaction, to what's disrupting my connection to personal safety, right now.

With that thought hanging in the air, Will replied:  You don't have to worry, because I'm right here.

Then as Will's words flowed into my ear, I heard myself say:  But, I need to feel safe if I find myself alone.

My response surprised Will, so he said:  But, Annie, in the past, you've always wanted me to say what I said just now.

I know that Will ... But something must be changing ...

Will, on his way to a hearing where he was to be an expert witness for the industrial commission, had no time to hear more, so after he'd tied his tie, we kissed, and by the time he'd pulled out of our garage, my focus had switched tracks from fear of the unknown toward absorbing that first glimmer of insight, which highlighted this flash of conscious awareness:  My intuitive power is alerting my intelligence to be attentive as my mental connection to personal growth spotlights the next step of my existential path ... (Yes.  I really do think this way.)

So with thoughts of anxiety serving to jump start my think tank's positively focused attitude to steer my mind toward creating change for the better, I picked up my iPad, scrolled back to post 1395, and while reviewing my plan of action in hopes of re-stabilizing my adrenalin production, my phone rang.

It was Steven, who, along with his family, had spent several days at a friend's wedding in D.C.

Hi Mom.  I know you must be missing Ravi, so how about our coming over for dinner and ordering pizza, tonight?

Needless to say, my heart, mind and spirit smiled.
What was I thinking?
I'll never be all alone.
And as my subconscious childhood fear of feeling left to fend for myself had sound reason to retreat, my self defeating attitude, which belittled my self worth, switched tracks, and as this timely shot of reality relaxed my mind, my spirit brightened for three reasons:   I feel worthy of love.  Fun lies, directly ahead.  And once my over-abundance of adrenalin rebalances, my anxious (hyper vigilant) reaction to this unexpected surge of subconscious fear will settle down.  Oh wait.  Make that four reasons:  The fact that my thought processor linked today's spiking anxiety with insight into subconscious fear in the blink of an eye restored my confidence in my brain's cognitive ability to straighten itself out when an unexpected eruption of PTSD short wires (disrupts) my sense of safety, unnecessarily.  And as one insight leads to more, the change which, thus far, remains unidentified, feels less intrusive, more intriguing than had originally been true.

So you might think to ask:  Annie, which jumping bean do you hope that today's glimmer of insight (spotlighting the negatively focused attitude, which spurred this brief eruption of PTSD to disrupt my old soul's peace of mind), will guide your intelligence to tackle, next?