1396 IRONY

Wouldn't cha just know it!
Here I am, penning insight into need to call forth my Line of Control at those times when a sudden spike in anxiety shatters my sense of clarity for reasons as yet unknown when guess who awakened to that unnerving state of mind, this morning?

So, first thing I did was to tell myself 'I am safe.'
Next up, I sought Will's support:
Will, who had already arisen and was completing his daily grooming routine, opened his arms to gather me close as soon as he saw me approaching with my arms out stretched, and when I said, tell me I'm safe, he replied, Annie, you're safe; nothing bad is happening.  What's going on?

My response:  After yesterday's session of EMDR, some tie to the past must have begun to filter into my conscious mind, but, so far, I have no clue, other than this anxious reaction, to what's disrupting my connection to personal safety, right now.

With that thought hanging in the air, Will replied:  You don't have to worry, because I'm right here.

Then as Will's words flowed into my ear, I heard myself say:  But, I need to feel safe if I find myself alone.

My response surprised Will, so he said:  But, Annie, in the past, you've always wanted me to say what I said just now.

I know that Will ... But something must be changing ...

Will, on his way to a hearing where he was to be an expert witness for the industrial commission, had no time to hear more, so after he'd tied his tie, we kissed, and by the time he'd pulled out of our garage, my focus had switched tracks from fear of the unknown toward absorbing that first glimmer of insight, which highlighted this flash of conscious awareness:  My intuitive power is alerting my intelligence to be attentive as my mental connection to personal growth spotlights the next step of my existential path ... (Yes.  I really do think this way.)

So with thoughts of anxiety serving to jump start my think tank's positively focused attitude to steer my mind toward creating change for the better, I picked up my iPad, scrolled back to post 1395, and while reviewing my plan of action in hopes of re-stabilizing my adrenalin production, my phone rang.

It was Steven, who, along with his family, had spent several days at a friend's wedding in D.C.

Hi Mom.  I know you must be missing Ravi, so how about our coming over for dinner and ordering pizza, tonight?

Needless to say, my heart, mind and spirit smiled.
What was I thinking?
I'll never be all alone.
And as my subconscious childhood fear of feeling left to fend for myself had sound reason to retreat, my self defeating attitude, which belittled my self worth, switched tracks, and as this timely shot of reality relaxed my mind, my spirit brightened for three reasons:   I feel worthy of love.  Fun lies, directly ahead.  And once my over-abundance of adrenalin rebalances, my anxious (hyper vigilant) reaction to this unexpected surge of subconscious fear will settle down.  Oh wait.  Make that four reasons:  The fact that my thought processor linked today's spiking anxiety with insight into subconscious fear in the blink of an eye restored my confidence in my brain's cognitive ability to straighten itself out when an unexpected eruption of PTSD short wires (disrupts) my sense of safety, unnecessarily.  And as one insight leads to more, the change which, thus far, remains unidentified, feels less intrusive, more intriguing than had originally been true.

So you might think to ask:  Annie, which jumping bean do you hope that today's glimmer of insight (spotlighting the negatively focused attitude, which spurred this brief eruption of PTSD to disrupt my old soul's peace of mind), will guide your intelligence to tackle, next?

1395 WHO SHALL WE CALL WHEN IMAGINATION OVERWHELMS CLARITY?

 If we know that intuitive trains of thought seek open channels (free of static) upon which to convey strings of insight, which enhance our thought processors' ability to balance emotion with logic, then how can we silence our run away imaginations from fabricating situations that exacerbate inner conflict at those times when brainstorming toward resolving life's most difficult dilemmas proves necessary to peace of mind?

First, we must remind ourselves that our brains are not wired to consciously juggle opposing trains of thought, simultaneously.  With that thought in mind, common sense suggests that we consciously sit our decision makers in time out until our intelligence calms a run away imagination from conjuring up fear-based scenarios, which stimulate an over-production of adrenalin that runs interference with clarity of intuitive thought by heightening anxiety, unnecessarily.

 If you ask me to specify the string of insights that brightened my think tank to absorb the wisdom of calling upon my self disciplined Line of (emotional) Control to quiet my decision-maker until my sense of equilibrium is re-established, I'd reply:

It's a well known fact that survival instincts, aroused by spiking anxiety, limit our thought processors to fight-freeze-flee.  Knowing that anxiety shuts the door on my thought processor's natural brainstorming abilities alerts my solution-seeker to delay brainstorming toward workable solutions until the fear-based arousal of my basic instincts has relaxed, thus freeing Mother Nature's gift of intuitive thought to do its best work while the rest of me sleeps through the still of the night.
(How many times have you heard your intuitive voice say:  I need to sleep on it.)

Each time I consciously call forth my Line of Control to act like a safety valve I find that Mother Nature's original gift of Animal Instincts is less likely to short circuit her more recent gift of Intuitive Prowess, which she saw fit to confer upon the human species as the evolutionary process of survival of the fittest saw our brain stems expand until the development of the neo Cortex transformed Homo sapiens into the thought-processing beings, whom we prove to be, today ...

Each time my neo Cortex feels free of stress-based static, intuitive streams of consciousness are likely to empower my solution seeker with the mental clarity, necessary, to hone in on insights, passed down through the ages, thus expanding my mental acuity to consider confounding predicaments from every angle before my decision maker chooses the choice that's most likely to balance my sense of emotion and logic more wholly than any other.

Having come to understand that mental clarity depends upon stabilizing my brain's ability to balance (rather than denying) the full spectrum of my emotional reactions in a logical manner, I choose to delay brainstorming toward the best possible solution until I've re-established a balanced state of mind.

Experience has taught me that any sudden spike in anxiety, which feels close to impossible to calm, is a natural reaction whenever an inner conflict divides my highest priorities into separate camps:
Be true to myself
Be true to everyone I love
I mean, 'what if' my run away imagination directs my thought processor to believe that being true to many loved ones requires my heart to forsake a choice that would free my mind of an inner conflict, which having been subconsciously repressed in an unprocessed state ever since childhood, has weighed heavy on my spirit, haunting my peace of mind, over most of my life?

How deep into my subconscious past can my heart, mind and spirit hope to dive in order to reveal and heal a wound to self esteem that runs so darkly fearful as to disrupt my old soul's peace of mind whenever being true to my deepest self seems to clash discordantly with being true to everyone I love?

1394 THE TAIL OF THE WHIRLWIND

Since wedding festivities are famous for
Spinning weekends into whirlwinds—
Family time far surpassed writing time until
Today, when the tail end of this four day event, spiraled
Toward a standstill, suggesting that
Hopefully, tomorrow will offer my dizzied state of mind
A quiet sense of inner peace in which to pen a post, highlighting
Insight into my need to relax those jumping beans, which
Had turned my brain into their trampoline until wedding fever
Cast a sleeping spell on a host of inner conflicts, thus freeing
My heart, mind and spirit to cavort happily with many loved ones

1393. WHEREAS ANXIETY BREEDS AMBIGUITY, INTUITION PRECEDES CLARITY

Sooo ... guess what happened once I mustered the courage to calm
Anxiety in hopes that a rebalanced sense of clarity would be mine?
The subconscious nature of the inner conflict that had catalyzed
Last week's eruption of anxiety was successfully conveyed on
A train of intuitive thought, which, upon filtering into
Conscious awareness, offered my thought processor insight into identifying
The painful childhood experience that had, once again, stimulated
Adrenalin to flood my mind with emotional static, temporarily stripping
My self confidence away until my Line of Control freed my intuitive powers to
Clarify the link connecting last week's anxious reaction to that which had proved
To be the re-emergent nakedness of yesteryear's unprocessed vulnerability ...

Once comprehension linked a painful childhood experience with an event that's
Yet to be, clarity led straight toward conflict resolution as fast as
A magician draws forth a live wire from a hat, and I'll fill you in on
The nature of that live wire, which upon short circuiting
My thought processor, had sparked a self defeating attitude that
Darkened my spirit until my power of intuition brightened
My conscious mind with sound reason to unburden itself of
A heavy subconscious weight in time to joyously participate in
This weekend's round of festivities, which have been planned to
Welcome a lovely bride, her groom and their baby son into
Our extended family, as, once again, an expansive view of
Traditional values coaches our thought processors to
Grow beyond the limitations of conventional patterns of thought

1392 CLARITY

Knowing that two heads can be better than one (when both brains remain calmly focused on seeking a solution that will stand the test of time), I'm not surprised when my sons call to brainstorm with me, and when we've discussed whatever dilemma weighs heavy on their minds, I ask them to let me know if our conversation bore fruit or not.  So rather than leaving your curiosity hanging in the air, I'm glad to say that having thought to employ my Line of Control (in order to brainstorm calmly with myself), paid off in this way:  Once I regained control over my think thank, anxiety diminished in direct proportion to my rise in self confidence (concerning my solution seeker's ability to calm my defense system down), and as my survival instinct retreated, my faith in the power of intuition re-emerged, catalyzing this change for the better to take place, over night:  I awoke with insight directing its spotlight toward the self defeating attitude, which (based in a painful, childhood experience) had drained my think tank of positive focus.  That stepping stone toward rebalancing my attitude would not have materialized if my intelligence had not consciously coached my defense system to tolerate heightened degrees of anxiety (born of an unnamed childhood fear), thus freeing my intuitive powers to withdraw self soothing insights from within File #1 of my memory's safe deposit box, and in this way did my well practiced Line of Control save my thought processor from capitulating to escalating anxiety, which, left on its own, fuels my decision-making process with negatively focused tension that turns me into my own worst enemy for this reason:  Escalating anxiety stimulates our survival instinct to trigger a fight/flee/freeze reaction, thus transforming a positively charged energy field into a negatively focused sense of emotional static, which, based in confusion, runs interference with clarity (which relies upon a well grounded balance between emotion and logic).  Once emotional static disrupts a person's sense of balance, decisions may be finalized before every puzzling piece of an inner conflict has been assembled so calmly as to astutely illuminate the bigger picture, which a darkly focused thought processor, pulsing with adrenalin (fight, flee freeze), can not yet fathom ...

As the time that I can devote to writing, today, has past ... more, concerning strings of insight that offered my solution seeker reason to calm my defense system so as to free my intuition to power up ... when next we meet ...

1391 SUBMERGED MYSTERIES CONTINUE TO EMERGE

My mind is a mysterious place, most especially for this reason:
Each time an unnamed change begins to percolate deep within my brain
(Like the one referenced within a stream of conscious thought
Several posts back), I've become aware of my intuitive voice hinting of
Readiness to convey a secret I keep from myself through
My wall of denial, and here's why my conscious awareness feels that
To be true, right now:  Peace of mind is no longer mine.
In fact, instead of feeling like my self-confident-self, I feel like
A stranger to myself, and since feeling threatened by stranger danger
Alerts my adrenal glands to flood my bloodstream with adrenalin
I feel compelled, during this stage of unidentified change (which strips
My persona of self confidence), to lift the curtain, revealing my need to
Confront the nakedness of my present sense of vulnerability, and
My reluctance to bare my vulnerability to myself (much less to anyone
Other than those who demonstrate concern for my well being) leaves me
Feeling anxious about exposing my uncertain state of mind to the world
And though I know better than to allow this sense of defensiveness to usurp
Control over my think tank, I can't help but feel as though danger is lurking
Outside of my front door, lying in wait to spring forth and swallow me whole
Thank goodness, my well developed sense of logic has begun to rebalancing
My emotional reaction by coaching my conscious awareness to
Calm down rather than exacerbating my desire to temporarily
Cocoon myself until this natural reaction to tunneling, intuitively, ever
More deeply into the darkness of the great unknown, stored within
File #3 (which occupies more brain space than we might think), actually
Unveils another (as yet) unidentified self defeating attitude, which today's
Stream of intuitive thought is actively conveying toward
My conscious awareness by traveling from dark to light, and during this process
In which my energy source is electrically stimulating negativity to transform into
Positivity, I can feel anxiety, which elevates in direct proportion to
The amount of adrenalin that my survival instinct continues to pump through
My bloodstream, beginning to level off, suggesting that rather than
Giving free rein to my internal need to fight, freeze or flee
Ive consciously begun to summon my Line of Control to calm down
My brain stem's defense system, which is hard wired to fear (and thus
Resist) any unnamed change, and as my power of intuition has stepped up to
The plate, reminding my think tank to release and reconsider
The string of insights, above, from File #2, my choice to think smart on the spot
Before anxiety hijacks my thought processor by spiking beyond my control, is
Certain to shine a spotlight on this next insight, which always brightens
My conscious awareness with need to reconsider a deeper truth that quickens
The progress of whatever change for the better is currently processing from
Subconscious memory by way of this intuitive train of thought toward
Conscious awareness:  Whenever I feel adrenalin racing through
My bloodstream, tis time to power up the courageous attitude that
Proves necessary to coax my emotional reactiveness to sit its defensive stance
In time out until today's unidentified inner conflict stops confounding
My sense of clarity, so that my solution seeker, regaining its calmed sense of
Wholeness, can reclaim its self confident attitude, which stops anxiety from
Running interference with my intuitive power's natural ability to quietly
Brainstorm its way through this turbulent stage of unnamed change until
A childhood experience, which had wounded my self esteem, filters out of
Subconscious Memory File #3, as though all on its own ... And while this
Current mental process toward change for the better inches forward, one
First down at a time, I'll coach myself to soothe any natural spike in
Anxiety by breathing so deeply as to re-oxygenate my lungs until
Such time as my consciously enhanced sense of wholeness welcomes
Insight into change for the better with the self reliant attitude that's
Actually spreading a smile across my face, right now, for this reason:
This current stream of insights has deepened my comprehension of
What is meant by the calm before the storm, and the fact that that change
For the better processed through my think tank during this anxiety-producing
Stage of mental metamorphosis suggests that today's train of intuitive thought
Has empowered my self confident solution-seeker with sound reason to
Shine so brightly as to dim fear of the unknown, which tends to cast
Dark shadows of self doubt across our existential paths until sparks of insight
Highlighting sure footed stepping stones, guide us toward transforming
Mental strain (resultant of deviating from conventional trains of thought) into
Positively focused gain by refueling positive attitudes that tame
Anxious reactions, which commonly escalate, naturally, unless our brains
Have been coached to listen for intuitive patterns of thought that coax us to
Tolerate anxiety so as to continue tunneling inward in hopes of offering
Our conscious minds the gift of insight's spotlight specifying
Which inner conflict from the past is emerging in its unprocessed state, and
Each time I remind myself to tolerate anxiety, my conscious awarenesss
Brightens with need to absorb this difficult truth more deeply than ever before:
Eventually, the futility of feeling bound to conventional thought drains my spirit of
Energy just as my heart muscle feels strained from on-going pain without gain ...
And if you ask:  Annie what makes you perceive of that mind-bender, right now?
I'd reply:  Even the most positively focused brain stores a warehouse of
Unprocessed inner conflicts behind a wall of denial, and each time one of those
Unprocessed inner conflicts filters into your conscious mind or mine, confounding
Pangs of unhealed pain are released (with greater frequency than
Conscious awareness can know), and it's at those times when intuition
Must call forth a diverse set of inner strengths (tools) so that if one doesn't
Coax a painful (reoccurring) negative attitude to fully emerge from behind our
Defense system's wall of denial then another tool may be employed to do
The trick of coaxing multiple wounds to self esteem, which are still festering
Subconsciously, to process through conscious awareness, one by one, until
Repressed rage, tapping into self-defeating attitudes (like ducks, lining up
In a row) is exposed, and once unprocessed rage is exposed, guess what resolves?
Re-occurring headaches, stomach aches, back aches, pain-in-the-necks, rashes
Eye ticks, clenched jaws, teeth grinding. (All caused by tightened
Muscles, symptomatic of suppressed anxiety, which encroaches upon inner peace)
You see, each time another 'piece' of unprocessed rage is exhumed, identified
Understood and healed, sound reason exists to relax inner tension, thus
Naturally relieving pain, stored subconsciously, once and for all!
Ye Gads!  Today's intuitive train of thought make me wonder:
How many negatively focused jumping beans use our minds as trampolines?

1390. CALMING JUMPING BEANS TAKES TIME, PATIENCE AND INSIGHT

Over these past few, peaceful days
The natural emergence of intuitive trains of thought
Saw fit to coach my conscious mind to slip
Additional strings of insight into Post 1389, creating
Change for the better, again ...

1389 COULDN'T NOT SHOW UP ...

As habits are hard to break

Guess who, upon awakening, feeling peaceful, today
Chose to reread Tuesday's post?

And as reviewing that intuitive train of thought inspired
My think tank to add insights to those, which
Had brightened my conscious awareness to my need to be

Ever more mindful of times when my imagination
Needs reining in, I could not resist showing up, today
To deepen my conscious awareness of this fact:  Each time
My imagination runs so free as to usurp so much brain space as to
Knock my well-balanced solution seeker's thinking cap off of my head
I disrupt no one's sense of inner peace except my own  ...
And all too often, the culprit that causes my (Negatively focused)
Imagination to run away with my adult decision-maker is
The emergence of subconscious fear of wrong doing, left festering
Anxiously, in its unprocessed state ever since childhood when
My vulnerability was punished so severely, after having been
Caught with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar, so as to have
Wounded a portion of my self esteem, which remaining
Subconsciously unhealed (until recently) had offered me
No conscious clue of those times when the haunting nature of
That daunting experience had unconsciously influenced
My decision maker to place fear of not satisfying
My loved ones so far above satisfying myself as to
Dismiss my needs, unnecessarily, and having clarified
The fact that last weekend's diversity of family discussions had
Activated my imagination to run away with my mind, again
You can see why I feel thankful that my energy source
Has powered up at least enough to inspire intuitive thought to
Emerge and refocus my conscious awareness toward need to
Tweak that pattern of thought by unlocking my memory bank's
Safe deposit box in order to withdraw File #2, thus exposing
Spotlights of insight, which brighten my think tank's take on when
To call forth my Line of Control to tame my over-achieving
Control freak's habitual need to oversee so much, concerning
My loved ones lives, and once insight into self control coaxes
My over-active imagination to calm down (both consciously and
Unconsciously), my well practiced sense of patience redirects
My thinking cap to sit in time out until my worry wart feels
So naturally relaxed as to ready my intuitive powers to refocus
My energy source toward brainstorming through
One inner conflict at a time by investing my problem-solver with
Possible solutions, based less in negatively focused
Subconscious anxiety, more in positively focused common sense
And each time this insight-driven plan of action reins in
My anxious imagination, my logical solution seeker does not mistakenly
Throw the baby out with the bath water ... except, perhaps, on
Those rare occasions when an on-going crises spikes my anxiety to
Rise so high as to stimulate an over production of adrenalin to
Catalyze my flight-freeze-fight reaction to produce
A temporary lapse in my balanced sense of judgement until
My calmed sense of clarity returns, affording my power of intuition
Reason to emerge and upon reconsidering a decision, based in fear
I feel inspired to ring your bell, in hopes that as you witness
My naked humility revealing my open-minded human vulnerability
Your mindset may ready itself to brainstorm along with mine toward
A mutually beneficial solution, based in change for the better, which
May have ripened on the vine in its own good time ... And
Having clarified today's positively focused, personal point of view for
Myself, I've just offered several inner conflicts (concerning my desire to
Resolve situations, which common sense identified as beyond
My control right from the very beginning) sound reason to relax along with
Those unnamed jumping beans that began to play leap frog inside
My think tank during last weekend's four day family fun fest, which had
Stirred up differing opinions concerning such a wide spectrum of subjects as to
Alert my intuitive powers to pipe up with this suggestion:
Annie, employ your patience and intelligence to discern
Which of those jumping beans are your business vs which are not, and
Upon consciously accepting that which is beyond your control
Your intuitive powers will soothe your control freak's anxiety
More naturally than had ever been possible, before, and
Each time your control freak relaxes, your deepening sense of
Inner peace will tap into your intuitive powers so simply as to
Replace a subconscious build up of anxious frustration with
Insight into problem-solving prowess concerning your ability to
Determine when to place your solution seeker on center stage vs
When to listen to your adult loved ones followed by asking
Pertinent questions, laced with compassion, which are likely to
Focus their minds on the path that each one has chosen to
Carve as his (or her) own as each person in the family continues to
Differentiate his (or her) sense of individuality from your own, because
Just as some your view points had need to differentiate from those of
Your parents and siblings, the same proves true for all of
Your loved ones. , and the sooner that today's string of insights is
Deeply absorbed into memory file # 2, the sooner
Your conscious sense of self control will nip anxiety in the bud as
Your future unfolds ... In short, I give my adult sons more credit for
Having developed the inner strengths necessary to successfully
Carve their existential paths than had been offered to me, and with
That insight in mind my think tank feels inspired to brainstorm
With each of my sons by asking leading questions, concerning
Possible choices, rather than offering advise when frustration, born of
Inner conflict, causes their sense of clarity to fog up ...
Then, resultant of consciously thinking to pass the baton of
Adult-decision making back to each of my sons, my decision
Maker frees my thought processor from feeling responsible for
Choosing the best solution for those I love, and having 'coached'
Each one to place his faith in his brainstorming abilities until
Clarity resolves inner conflict, my sense of clarity, concerning
My faith in my sons' well developed solution-seeking skills
Reinstates my parental peace of mind, concerning this fact:
During their childhood, my sons absorbed the tools that
Lead them toward enjoying successful lives, today ...
And since one of those tools is most assuredly the ability to
Open mindedly consider a variety of possible solutions before
Choosing the solution that best meets current needs, all around
I am glad to know that each time I take stock of all of
The high principled goals, which I'd set for myself
Most important of all was my goal to coach each of my sons to
Grow up to be a well rounded, well balanced, open-minded
Positively focused, solution- seeking adult, and
Today, having realized that goal, peace of mind, concerning that
Most important arena of life is mine, much more often than not ...

1388 ONCE AGAIN, MY BRAIN HAS BEEN FOOLING—ME!

When it comes to enjoying the pleasures of family togetherness
Conversations ensue, revealing so many changing dynamics as to
Alert my intuitive awareness to grow mentally attentive to
This or that, which is why in the aftermath of our gatherings
My conscious state of mind thinks to be at rest while
Insight into deeper truth suggests that my solution seeker is
Brainstorming, unconsciously, inside my head, intimating, yet again, that
In the absence of spotlighting insight, I have no conscious clue as to when
One portion of my brain is fooling another, and now that
Today's intuitive train of thought has turned the spotlight of insight
Toward highlighting the re-emergence of that deeper truth
I may decide to take a breather from posting until mental reserves of
Energy, which still feel spent, replenish so naturally as to re-energize
My spirit to re-ignite my sense of readiness to reorganize and reveal
Insight-laden stories, which have been piling up inside, causing
A heck of a traffic jam inside my mind, and as one intuitive string of
Insights brightens my awareness to more, let's add the fact that
It's mid September, when allergies addle my brain, which
Is still actively processing through a mental change that
Has yet to be named ... And having sighted the tip of the iceberg
Concerning how many unconscious activities are acting like
Jumping beans, leap-frogging from here to there behind
My wall of denial, common sense suggests that at this stage of life
It's high time for me to be so kind as to give my think tank as much of
A mental break as is consciously possible by placing any task that
Starts with 'should' on a back burner until change for the better
Concerning my need to relax, re-charge, revitalize and reorganize
My brain's sense of clarity has had time to gain insight into
Discerning that which I can change vs that which is beyond my control
And here is why common sense is directing me to do exactly that:
Experience has taught me that my intuitive voice powers up when
My solution seeker is not trying to put out fires that have yet to start
And each time I remember to consider that insight into deeper truth
Anxiety, leaping from here to there, unconsciously, within my mind
Is directed to settle down, and as my sense of wholeness grows to
feel more peaceful than not, my energy source switches tracks from
Solving phantom problems that exist nowhere other than within
My imagination toward tuning into my intuitive voice, which
Upon re-energizing, powers up to soothe imaginative anxiety until
My solution-seeker, feeling more peaceful than distracted
Tunes into my intuitive voice, which conducts a well balanced
Harmonic duet, made up of emotion and logic, to brainstorm
Toward producing anxiety-reducing solutions that remember to
include my needs in the equation, and thus prove melodic to my ears

1387 A TIME TO PLAY, A TIME TO WRITE, A TIME THAT'S RIPE TO DO NO MORE THAN RELAX, RECOUP, REVITALIZE

Tis Monday, following a non-stop weekend, and as proves true of
Any weekend spent with family, who gather round whenever one of us
Flies in, enjoying our sense of togetherness exhilarates my spirit, so
I've planned for down time, today, to recoup energy expended, over
These last four days, thus ensuring my not repeating
The depths of exhaustion experienced in the aftermath of
Passover, last March, and having just returned home after
Dropping David at the airport, I'll stretch with my trainer and then
Do little more than relax body and mind with a book, entitled
FIRST WOMEN (describing the many personal strengths of
Our nation's 'First Ladies'), which, upon my recommendation, was
Selected by one of my book clubs for this month's discussion
And though my last post intimated at my intention to continue
Yesterday's train of thought, today, my mind awoke feeling
Too weary to inspire intuitive thought to offer up
Anything more than slipping additional insights into
My previous post, and since editing, upon awakening
Has developed into a daily pattern, requiring very little
Conscious brain power on my part, additional insights
Made their way into post 1386 before David and I
Left the house, and with that clearly stated
My intuitive engineer's sense of readiness is currently
Signaling my thought processor to step on the brakes and
Switch tracks, because today's train of thought, which
Feels fully spent, is pulling into the refueling station, right now

1385 TO SLOG, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, THROUGH INNER CONFLICT OR NOT ... THAT IS TODAY'S QUESTION

If the mere thought of slogging my way through yawn-inducing texts causes my spirit to sag, imagine the strength of spirit that proves necessary to challenge a mind, which had unconsciously absorbed self-demeaning misperceptions that had distorted the undeveloped self image of a vulnerable child, to sport an animated smile instead of slogging its dispirited way through each next stage of life wearing a frown.

If the picture drawn above makes you ask:  So what influenced your spirit to inspire your adult mind to grow so positively focused as to tap into your intuitive powers, which emerge from deep within on trains of thought that open your eyes to need to seek insight into exposing negatively focused mindsets, secreted subconsciously in an unprocessed state, thus empowering your conscious sense of self to grow ever more capable of rescuing the portion of your self esteem, wounded during childhood, from remaining unconsciously under the influence of a self-defeating spell when the spirits of countless other children continue to stumble, ever more dispiritedly into the black hole of despair, where negatively focused attitudes of utter hopelessness (acting like vampires, sucking a person's innate intelligence to create change for the better dry), grow so overwhelming as to swallow their heartfelt smarts whole, I'd reply:  Love actually does conquer all ... with one exception:   Love, alone, can't conquer subconscious fear, resultant of undiagnosed PTSD.  And having intimated that the power of love has rescued my spirit more than once from drowning in despair, I'll offer your mind time to consider today's train of thought, over night, before going on to say ...

1384 FAMILY GATHERS ROUND

Sooo, David flew home on Thursday to enjoy football's opening weekend with our family, and as always, as soon as he lands, his first call is to Steven, and without exception, here are his words:  Where is my baby?  Steven, loving how deeply his sweet daughter is adored, came for dinner with Ravi, who squealed with delight to see her Uncle David, waiting to hug her close in happy anticipation of enjoying his niece's sunny, funny personality, over the next several days.  On Friday, David, Papa and I enjoyed a play date with Ravi, beginning at 10am, followed, later, by Celina and Steven joining us for dinner, and today, we'll meet my niece and nephew at David's favorite pizza parlor for lunch ... One of the things I love about our family is the fact that when one of us comes to town, everyone feels eager to gather round ... and as enjoying time with my peeps surpasses every other priority. you can see why time to write is short ...

1383 TODAY, A SPECIAL DAY OF LOVING REFLECTION

Today is the third anniversary of my mother's hundredth birthday
Today, just as everyday, my mother's presence lives within my heart. ...
Today and forever, her spirit and mine remain intertwined
I love you, Mom

1382 DO YOU PROFESS TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND?

I work to have an open mind
Note the word 'work' instead of 'think'
My think tank specified which word to choose for this reason:
During gestation, the embryonic human brain is preprogramed to
Develop mindsets, which, in the aftermath of momentous experiences
During childhood, are subconsciously repressed, and since
Unconscious patterns of thought are secreted from conscious awareness
We're likely to remain blind to those moments when the arousal of
Opposing subconscious mindsets begins to lace in and out of
Our solution-seeking conversations, indicating that
A very subtle power struggle for dominance has begun

Stop the presses!
I just enjoyed an 'Aha!' moment for this reason:
Today's intuitive train of thought has clarified this insight:
The fact that I've worked to develop my brain's sense of
Insight-driven absorptivity empowers my think tank's
Conscious sense of reflectivity to grow ever more aware of
Those moments when my intuitive voice pipes up, cautioning
My sense of clarity to remain instinctively alert to sniffing out
The subtleties of a struggle-for-power-in-the-making, suggesting why
My thought processor finds itself ensnared within a net of
Emotional confusion (based in subconscious conflict) much less
Frequently, presently, than had been true in times past when
The subconsciously insecure pleaser-in-me had been so quick to
Serve the needs of my loved ones as to have unwittingly denied
The existence of my own, and with today's insight brightening
My outlook (concerning my present ability to open my mind to
Absorb the bigger picture at hand in time to name and tame
A sudden surge of frustration by identifying a power struggle in need of
Nipping in the bud), we can imagine my eyes (the windows to my soul)
Smiling each time my thought processor reflects back to moments spent
Solution-seeking with you ... comment box always eager to be fed ...

1381 WHEN TO GO IT ALONE VS WHEN TO BUDDY UP?

When to forge your existential path alone and when to buddy up?
That is the question

When to buddy up and with whom to buddy up?
That is a classic and universal question

When to identify self defeating traits to which subconscious defensiveness blinds us?
That is a classic, universal and timeless question, requiring everyone's courage

When to backtrack to consider new insights, concerning clarity, added to post 1380?
That is today's question, humbly requesting your patience

1380 OBSERVING WHEELS TURNING THIS WAY OR THAT WAY INSIDE MY MIND

So, here's what I surmise ...
Three groups of readers choose to observe wheels turning within my mind:
One group 'reads me', because you find my family saga intriguing while another group 'reads me', because you, like me, have come to 'see' the importance of gaining insight into the natural state of complexity that resides inside the human brain, which (being your spirit's primary mode of transportation toward better or worse), hopefully, inspires you to forge a path toward reaching whatever goals your personal needs long to achieve), and since your conscious mind finds the inner workings of this complex machine (which needs a tune up, from time to time) to be deeply intriguing, you'd rather consider my intuitive approach to imparting knowledge than slogging through a scientific, yawn inducing text, and finally, we come to the third group, who find my story and my need to seek and impart knowledge personally absorbing.  As for me, I see my story as offering us a bird's eye view that maps out the the bigger picture of the path, which I've consciously chosen to carve out for myself in hopes of expanding mindsets, secreted within my subconscious, so as to grow to be the open-minded person I choose to be today.

Actually, in the absence of knowledge (researched over my lifetime and absorbed more deeply, recently, than had been possible during my younger years, when my professional and family life kept my brain hopping, here and there, from one sunrise to the next), my saga would have offered a very different tale for this reason:  Many of my decisions, which have switched tracks from a place of complacent subservience (rooted in repressed, unprocessed insecurities) toward today's self-assertive stance (rooted in the decisive strengths of my consciously considered, personal convictions) would have remained based in self demeaning attitudes, unconsciously absorbed during childhood, and that difference as made all the difference in the stories that I've yet to pen ... and if you ask how I know that assertion to be based in deeper truth, I'd reply:  Before I'd thought to deepen my understanding of the classic functions of my brain, my think tank had blindly absorbed many more parent tapes than I'd consciously known.  And many of those parent tapes had need to be rewound and reconsidered before my adult thought processor felt free to develop the listening skills necessary to hear my intuitive voice coaching my tunnel visioned comfort zone to grow ever more naturally receptive to resolving inner conflicts by identifying thought patterns, based in positively focused insights, which had opposed subconscious insecurities that I'd harbored unconsciously.  And having absorbed insight into  my need to consciously remind myself to loosen tightly wound coils of defensive resistance, wrapped around my thought processor's natural ability to expand, consider and absorb fresh ideas, I've grown ever more able to refocus my thought processor's naysayer toward considering a positively focused point of view, and as my sense of readiness to grow ever more receptive to expanding my mindsets inspires my think tank to absorb deeper truths, concerning the sum of my traits, guess what sits more quietly in a time out chair than had ever been possible, before?  My defensive reactions, which had painfully rebelled against listening receptively to constructive criticism until my think tank gained insight into the primary reason why two heads, forging parellel paths toward each one's personal growth (where change for the better welcomes our arrival though not necessarily simultaneously) can be better than one.  And the reason that no individual walks in my footsteps is because, insight into deeper truth suggests that no one's life experiences are exact replicas of another's.

Nothing riled my mother's defensive reaction more quickly than hearing my father say
You're acting just like Mrs. T! (my mother's mother), suggestive of this deeper truth:
No matter how pointedly we work to differentiate our thought patterns from those of our parents, defensive denial blinds us, one and all, to subconscious hot spots, concerning negatively charged traits, rooted in parental tapes, absorbed, unconsciously, during childhood ... and as long as our defensive reactions refuse to lift the veil on need to specify and tame self defeating traits, our brain's natural capacity for mind expansion (necessary to shift negatively focused attitudes toward change for the better) will remain in a tightly coiled, explosive state behind our walls of denial, keeping conscious need for personal growth secreted within the tunnel-visioned framework of our self deceptive (self defeating) point of view  ...

As long as subconscious misperceptions fear darkness, ahead ... darkness will consume our spirits ... and that is why, at times when my mind feels mired within inner conflict, my decision maker, which has been consciously groomed to direct my natural tendency to react defensively to sit in time out, frees my thought processor to patiently, courageously, positively and meticulously seek the light at the end of each tunnel ...

Ever heard of the book:  MY MOTHER, MYSELF?
Brilliant title, right?

Needless to say, we each absorb traits (positive and negative) from both parents, and all too often, it's the power struggling trait that blindly disrupts our brain's natural ability to listen with an open mind to perceptive thoughts that oppose our own  ... (And having absorbed the importance of that deeper truth, I've gained insight into quieting my dad's and grandmother's hot tempered tapes from piping up inside my head so as to make certain that explosive defensive reactions have been tamed behind my Line of Control before I open my brainstorming mouth (Note, I chose the word 'tamed' rather than 'restrained'.  Why?  Because 'tamed' indicates a hot spot that has been named, understood, resolved and  calmed whereas 'restrained' indicates a growling hot spot, still in need of muzzling or it bites.  Bites whom?  Sometimes me.  Sometimes you.

In another post, the intuitive communication's instructor, who calls my brain, home sweet home, will describe the ways that certain power struggles, which prove quite subtle in nature, are known to run interference with the clarity of our brain's solution seeking, decision-maker.  As for right now, today's train of thought has served up more than enough food for thought to digest, n'est ce pas?

1379 ENSURING THAT DEFENSIVE REACTIVITY DOES NOT SACK MY SOLUTIONSEEKING QUARTERBACK

If you ask me to describe this current paradigm shift, I'd reply:
A thought pattern that has guided my life is in transition, and
During this stage of transition, I can actually feel my energy shiftin away from
The tunnel visioned scope of negatively focused irritation toward
Expanding my perspective to reconsider possibilities, which had felt
Impossible for my mind to fathom, before conscious awareness
Concerning need for change took hold of my mind

On the other hand, crystal clear clarity is not yet mine, so

I still can't 'see' whether my intuitive voice is inclined to coach
My decision maker to change direction while continuing
To run with the ball or pass it, or bench myself until I can clearly
Name the mental irritant, which has yet to emerge from within my depths

As common sense has taught my decision maker to bench itself when
A paradox remains unclear, I'll consciously coach my defense system to
Take a time out, thus freeing my thought processor to relax instead of feeling
Anxiously prodded from deep within to swing back and forth amongst
Choices until frustration tackles my smarts so many times as to
Deplete my think tank of every last drop of positively focused energy
And by consciously benching my defense system's frustration along with
My decision maker, I can offer my smarts down time to refuel, which
Somehow signals my intuitive powers to kick into play, brainstorming through
Insights while the rest of me sleeps peaceably through the night until
One morning, I awaken to find that crystal clear clarity has somehow
Emerged from within the depths of my mind, and once intuition has
Coached my revitalized smarts to return to the playing field
My brain, functioning as a rebalanced whole, can feel assured that
My recently relaxed defensive stance will not swing back and forth so

Dizzily as to mistakenly sack my quarterback, repeatedly

And thus, rather than allowing repressed frustration to seep through
Cracks in my wall of denial, alerting my conscious awareness of
Subconscious need for change for the better, I'll choose to
Consciously spin a cocoon around my solution-seeking process, thus
Imagining a peaceful place inside my brain where my caterpillar-state-of-mind
Feels free to take an extended time out from the frustrating aspects of
Inner conflict until my intuition, powering up within, kicks insight into
Solution seeking mode, freeing the butterfly's sense of readiness to
Expand her wingspan to fly so free of inner conflict as to relieve
Internal irritation, which has, actually, been incubating in
A repressed state, over long, and once my expanded wing span
Offers my solution seeker a bird's eye view of the bigger picture, which
Had escaped my think tank's conscious cognition until today's
Emergence of intuitive thought inspired my stream of consciousness
Cough up this transparent description of the disorienting tricks that
Inner conflict, which persists overlong, foists upon a person's smarts ...
And guess what just occurred to me?
Suddenly, I clearly 'see' why my intuitive need for inner peace
Has been coaching my think tank to bench my story teller until
Common sense came into play to remind my defense system to
Sit, patiently, in time out until this negatively charged current of
Mental irritation (indicative of a repressed internal conflict), stops
Running interference with my think tank's natural ability to function as
A well balanced whole (which, when calmed, is known to consult with
Insights, absorbed within memory), until my intuitive voice offers
My conscious mind a well rested crystal clear sense of clarity, concerning
A workable solution to resolving an inner conflict (that's still in need of
Naming), which my tunnel visioned view had 'seen' as irresolvable until
This very moment when my ability to self soothe expanded my view finder

To see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, flickering on and off, at long last ...

1378 TODAY IS BOTH SPECIAL AND RELAXING ...

How do I know when the time is ripe for a shift in paradigm?
Well, my defense system reacts by signaling internal unrest, emergent
In the form of mild frustration (suggesting a natural need for
Change, building up, over time), until a conscious sense of
Inner conflict erupts, which, needs naming before resolving

When inner conflict clarifies itself to my conscious mind
My think tank (which has gained insight into the wisdom of
Heightening my awareness to know when and how to place
My defensive reaction in time out) calms frustration by
Alerting my memory to open file #2, releasing strings of insight that
Soothe my reactivity to consciously calm down, thus shifting
My concentration away from the dizzying aspects of inner conflict, which
Are known to irritate my decision-making process by
Running interference with clarity, and with this knowledge in mind
I remind myself to soothe irritation by recognizing that frustration
Alerts my conscious awareness to seek solutions to dilemmas by
Aiming my whole brain toward gaining access to positively focused
Strings of insight that coax my thought processor to direct its energy
Wholly on creating change for the better, and once frustration relaxes (after
Having done its part to kick the ball into play), my well developed
Sense of teamwork between patience and courage signals for
Time out until the emergence of my little voice of intuition, which
Coaches my conscious mind to consider the natural reactiveness of
Every person on the team—inclusive of my natural bent toward
Reactiveness, as well, and during the time it takes for today's
First string of insights to go through the process of shifting from
Memory file #2 into file #1, my well disciplined defense system's need for
Change for the better will agree to sit on the bench until
My rebalanced state of mind has readied my little voice of intuition to
To coach my decision maker's relaxed sense of wholeness to feel
Existentially self-empowered to calmly guide inner conflict to stop
Swinging my head from one extreme to the other, thus dizzying my brain in
The same way that everyone's natural sense of emotional reactiveness exacerbates
Confusion when opposing trains of emotionally driven thoughts collide, sacking
My quarterback's anxious mind so often as to knock me so senseless as to
Switch tracks from focusing on making a first down toward
Heading in the opposite direction before intuitive thought can
Caution me to call upon common sense to continue to calm
My sense of nner conflict until my whole brain feels so relaxed as to hear
My little voice of courage, growing so bold as to outline
A well thought out shift in paradigm that will clear my mind and
Refresh its positively focused goal of encouraging my team mates to
Huddle round as we consider the validity of this paradigm shift that's
Begun to process toward change for the better inside my head, and
As today is a special day ... and my mind feels relaxed, I'm happily
Wishing you the same five star day that I'm planning to enjoy, myself ...