Though I can't deny that today's stream of conscious thought
Is in need of editing to minimize redundancy (Sigh!)
I know myself not to be empowered with that skill, so
In order to soothe my frustration, concerning writing imperfections
I encourage myself with this belief: Some day, someone, who
Thinks my brain has something of value to impart
Will tackle an editing process, which continues to escape
The repetitious nature of my streams of conscious thought
And if I'm still on this side of the grass at that time
My eyes are likely to grow wide with wonder to see
Thousands of trains of thought funnel down to comprise
A pamphlet of three pages in length ... LAM
(LAUGHING AT MYSELF)
If you ask what compels me to pen similar thoughts, repeatedly
Here's what I surmise: Just as toddlers learn to recite
Their ABC's in an orderly fashion from beginning to end and
Children work, repeatedly, to commit
Multiplication tables to permanent memory, I feel need to
Carve healthy channels of thought into my think tank on
Pretty much a daily basis until self-empowering insights have been
So indelibly tattooed into my conscious awareness as to
Direct future trains of thought to switch tracks, naturally, away from
Old channels of thought, which had once proved so
Black or white as to have limited my decision-maker to
Run along tracks so narrow as to have created
Closed minded attitudes that had caged my mind in
Spaces too small to free my spirit's lifelong need to
Soar so high as to explore life's expansive
Horizons where challenging experiences, enhancing
My sense of personal growth, invite the rocky nature of
My peace of mind to feel soothed, relaxed and at home with
This aspect of my life: If I can ease up on my dark sense of
Cloudiness, which rains on my parade, subconsciously, at least
Enough to accept my being an imperfect individual instead of
Imposing undeserved feelings of guilt upon my self perceptions then
I'll proactively disarm negatively focused self judgment from spoiling
My current ride into the sunset, and once I cure myself of
Subconscious negativity in favor of embracing
A well-balanced, positively focused point of view, I'll not
Harbor need to flog myself when my best efforts to
Inspire all of my loved ones with reason to feel so
Deeply loved as to return my smiles does not offer me
100% of success, as failing to please everyone has felt
Like personal failure to me, you may see why
My need to repeat trains of intuitive thought until
My finished sense of self worth feels rebalanced
Makes very good sense to me; on the other hand
I often wonder why so many of you choose to return, day
After day, to read posts in which one string of insights
Moves forward, igniting the next as slowly as
Molasses might take to descend from a darkly cloudy
Rocky peak of a mountain before my quest to
'know myself' feels need to rest on
A well-grounded, grassy foot hill below ...
And I also wonder why you'd challenge your mind
To make your way through complex streams of thoughts
Tumbling so quickly through my conscious mind that
My stylus can't hope to simplify each one in such
An orderly fashion as to invite you to absorb
Certain posts without hunkering down, time and again
In the same way that proves true of me except for
Those times when I'm story telling, so
In light of how hard your mind must work to
Comprehend the complexity of intuitive
Trains of thought that land on your screen after
Streaming freely through my conscious mind ...
Well, my hat is off to those of you who
Seem to sense that within each tureen of oyster stew that
My mind cooks up and dishes out, we might actually
Spy a pearl or two that speaks of deeply buried
Treasure awaiting discovery within
A pocket of your subconscious as proves true of mine
In answer to the riddle, left swinging in the breeze earlier this
Week, concerning my having defined the inner strength that
I can depend upon to 'scout' out each next step of
My adventure into the great unknown (most especially
At times when the hard pressed, confounding state of
Unidentified, subconscious stress is squeezing my
Conscious mind between a vicelike rock and hard place for
So long as to compel my defense system to
Wave a magic sleeping spell over the conscious portion of
My think tank, offering that overtaxed portion of
My solution-seeking brain to grab yet another much needed
Power nap) is ... Drum roll, please—oh wait—
Before defining my personal strength that never sleeps, I
Feel need to mention this scientific fact:
I have learned that unresolved inner conflicts, which provoke
Overwhelming states of unrelieved anxiety, are rarely
Based solely in the fear that my conscious mind can see on
The surface of my life. This fact suggests that
Current states of long standing, unresolved anxiety
Are often founded in subconscious fears of failure, which
Remaining in an unprocessed (unidentified) state, are
Carried forward from childhood right up until the day when
Adult comprehension gains recognition of this major insight:
After harsh judgment on the part of a parent seriously diminishes
A child's sense of self worth, the undeveloped mind of
This child's subconscious stores his or her anxious reaction in
An unprocessed but active state of being, suggesting that
The conscious mind has no clue of harboring such
Negatively focused attitudes about oneself
However, each time we say, do or even think anything that
Might defy societal conventions, which our parents' generation
Had repeatedly imposed upon our conscious minds as
'Right or wrong' - 'Black or white' - our conscience has
Absorbed those rules so deeply as to deem any act that
Falls short of our parents' perception of perfection as
To activate yesteryear's unprocessed anxiety to
Re-emerge, causing us to feel as unworthy of
Being loved and respected by oneself, today, as
Had felt true when a beloved parent had shattered
Our sense of emotional safety by shaming us into
Feeling unworthy of love before
Our thought processors had developed
The maturity to understand that the harshness of
Our god-like parents' judgments had been
Every bit as imperfect as had been true of our own
(Each time I tell my EMDR therapist that I think
To know why a current bout of inner conflict is causing
My anxiety to escalate, she listens and replies:
You're beating yourself up, again ...
Let's see how this most recent eruption of high anxiety may
Have stimulated the emotional reaction that had caused
Your body to feel unbearably tensed with fear of
Failure to please when, as a child, you'd held yourself
Accountable for transforming your parents' frowns
Into smiles, because you were too young to understand
Layers of emotional complexity, swirling above
Your head, most especially, at the time of
Your baby sister's death
(Or my therapist will say: Let's examine the fact that
Once your defense system had silenced
The self assertive portion of your voice in favor of
Masking the depth of your personal pain behind
Your ever-ready smile in the the aftermath of
Janet's tragic death, anything that
Scared you stimulated subconscious anxiety to
Reactivate, because, having swallowed
Your self- assertive voice along with your frowns
You had no way to open up to save yourself from
Being bullied or sexually abused, repeatedly, and
Each time your voice remained subconsciously
Silenced, a ghost-like sense of anxiety arose to haunt
Your lost sense of peaceful well being, repeatedly, and
Since anxiety manifests, viscerally, your psyche
Developed an itch to get out of your own skin so
Intense as to compel you to scratch, night after
Night, until you drew blood (today
Your doctor would have recommended
Therapy to heal your psyche of pain rather than
Hospitalizing you in hopes of assuaging your itch
By tarring and bandaging your arms from
Shoulder to wrist). In truth
The lines penned above were not
My therapist's words but my own, which
Poured forth freely, each time
Her gentle guidance, during sessions of EMDR
Encouraged my subconscious memory bank to
Feel so safe as to withdraw emotional reactions from
Which my conscious awareness had disassociated
(in the same way that my defense system had
Protected my sanity from experiencing total
Dispair by blocking my conscious memory from
Remembering anything about having been
Sexually abused, repeatedly, until
An earlier therapist sensed my need to
Engage in subconscious memory revival, several years back)
And having come to absorb so much about
The brain's defense mechanism of disassociating from
Angst-producing memories, I've gained faith in
Trusting myself to freely follow
My current therapist's knowledgable lead for
This reason: Though, at first, I may not consciously
Fathom how a current onslaught of anxiety may
Relate to fear suffered during one of three
Childhood traumas (Janet's death
Bullying on the bus, sexual abuse), eventually
By way of feeling trustful and secure within
The non-judgmental environment of
My current therapist's office, I can coax my brain to
Muster the courage to trek back through darkened
Pathways of long ago until intuitive thought ignites
Sparks of insight, which highlight glimmers of
Association, conjoining yesteryear's tragic anxiety
With whatever has caused my present jolt of
Guilt-ridden anxiety to flare and heighten to
Ooverwhelming proportions, today, so
Though the untrained eye may view
My emotional reaction as inexplicably exaggerated—
Thank goodness, over these past few months, my eye
Has become so well trained as to identify an episode of
PTSD spiking before my intelligence has been totally
Highjacked by an overproductions of adrenalin, and
Each time I go one step further in explaining to you
That which I continue to learn as my self-healing
Process progresses forward, while my therapist and I
Work, side by side, to cure unprocessed injuries that
Left portions of my brain vulnerable to
Undiagnosed attacks of PTSD, throughout my lifetime
A wealth of insights continues to deepen my sense of
Self respect and self control when a sudden shot of
Unprocessed pain, left raw, festering and
Unhealed within a subconscious pocket of
My mind feels stimulated, yet again, to begin to
Bleed through my wall of denial, exacerbating
The same unprocessed feelings of unworthiness from
Which my conscious mind had disassociated, yesteryear
To be projected as anxious tension throughout
Every fiber of My body's central nervous system, today
And not until my therapist guides my mind toward
Consciously regaining a grip on empowering
My awareness to peel away at layers of
Denial, concerning burning pain that has
Been inflaming my peace of mind since I was three
Does a conscious flash of insight, concerning
Yet another 'forgotten' detail burst through
My mind's foggy maze, offering my smarts
A fully conscious vision of how today's reaction
Is truly related to trauma suffered—
Long ago—in silence ... and each time I come to see
How today's experience stimulates
Unprocessed anxiety to arise from
Within subconscious pockets of my mind, causing
Muscle memory to tightly tense up every atom of
My body as had been true in times long past
I grow ever more aware of the way that
Any portion of a new experience, which
Jogs any unprocessed portion of those childhood traumas
Stimulates my central nervous system to experience
An episode of PTSD, elevating adrenalin production
To spike until yesteryear's unprocessed memory of
Worthlessness catalyze so my adult smarts to catch fire
And thus, if I were to describe a current strength that
Never sleeps, I'd say: My conscious mind has
Developed faith in this fact:
Today, I can depend on my brain's well practiced
Line of emotional self control to come to my aid as
Soon as any sudden spike of inner tension (in
Need of calming), is set aside at least for as long as
My brain requires a relaxed state of mind to
Invite the steadfast nature of intuitive thought to
Flow forth, ASAP, sparking strings of insight to
Stream so quickly and freely through my
Conscious mind as to ignite flashes of
Mental clarity that inform my conscious mind of
Need to pay close attention to details, which
Enable me to remain attached to my
Solution-seeking smarts, on the spot, thus
Blocking any experience from the past from
Arising from within subconscious memory, which
Might otherwise smash my sense of
Self worth into a solid wall of anxiety with the same
Ferocious clap of thunder that an emotional tirade
On the part of an adult, whom I'd trusted to
Love me, unconditionally, had struck down my
Budding self esteem as harshly as a bolt of lightening
Hurtling down from out of the blue knock out
A highly intelligent brain as suddenly as as SIDS had
Spun the sunshine that had warmed my family's
Sense of emotional security into a darkly terrifying
Storm that wreaked havoc with each person's
Peace of mind, including mine, at a time so early in
My toddling life as to have caused
The egocentric nature of my child's mind to feel that
From that time on, my sense of personal safety
Depended upon holding myself accountable for
Everyone's good health and happiness—and
Though my undeveloped thought processor had
No clue that one day, I'd feel subconscious pressure to
Quest toward retrieving, reprocessing and revising
The impossibility of having charged myself with
Maintaining the unprocessed nature of that
Guilt-ridden vow, My path sought out therapist
Upon therapist until EMDR therapy began to
Teach me to recognize how often I'd beat myself up
When exhaustion or some other self-conceived
personal 'failure' on my part failed to save
A loved one from experiencing physical or
Emotional pain ... On my 24/7 watch, and thus ...
Each time I correlate a current reason for beating myself up
With a horrendous experience (suffered in silence), during
Childhood, which blew every iota of
Emotional security out of my mind, I can see how the
Re-emergence of physical tension, based in a sudden
Eruption of subconscious anxiety, born of yesteryear's
Unprocessed fear or pain, releases hot spots of
Unhealed wounds, which hunt down and attack
My current peace of mind by stalking my
Sense of self with exaggerated feelings of
Unworthiness, repeatedly, until a sudden
Flash of insight-driven clarity spotlights how
Today's unfathomable, unremitting escalation of
Fear can be traced back to one of
Yesteryear's unprocessed trauma, yet again, with
This caveat: Rather than allowing a loved one's
Uncontrolled emotional reaction to berate
The small child inside me so harshly as to
Cause yesteryear's miserable rejection of myself to
Spike, anew, mistakenly deeming myself
Worthless, today, the culprit who needs to stop
Striking my self esteem gown proves to be
My very own subconscious self assessment, which
Declares me either picture perfect or utterly worthless, with
No wiggle room in between those two opposing poles
And having come to understand why I'd absorbed this
Seriously distorted image of myself, the rebalanced
Nature of my conscious mind has begun to
Sense subconscious connections between that which
I'd been made to feel, decades back, and
Tension arising, today, which proves to be
Based in that unprocessed, yet powerfully
Negatively focused, subconscious attitude of
Self rejection with which I impose harsh treatment upon
Myself when in truth, self soothing words of compassion
Are needed in order for me to conjure up the true history of ...
A very good little girl, who grew up to be—
A very good (though not perfect) daughter, sister,
Grand daughter, niece, cousin, student, teacher,
Wife, cook, organizer and cleaner, mother, friend
Volunteer, board member, college instructor
Author of articles, speaker at many
Professional conferences before
Being chosen as keynote speaker at an international conference
Concerning my passion for positively focused
Family communications —clarifies
The reason why very little, concerning my adult choices, over
My lifetime, is in need of change, today, other than this:
My anxious reaction of misery, born of misjudging myself to be
One of the bad guys whenever I fall short of whatever my parents
Would see as perfection, required of me in order that
I never fall short of upholding my guilt-ridden
Unprocessed sense of self empowerment that vowed to
Maintain the happiness of everyone I love ...needs
To alter to calmly consider the needs of my spirit, as
Well, whenever fate offers reason for inner conflict to arise
Otherwise, at times when my personal need does not
Match a loved one's need of me, I'll tend to bury and
Disassociate from my own need, as had become my habit
When life felt too scary and overwhelming to
Value my needs as much as I come to value the needs of others
Over recent weeks, after Passover, I experienced
A confounding sense of inner conflict, which caused my
Anxiety to spike, as if impending disaster was about to descend
And I gave myself a very hard time until I sensed pre worry, which
Drove me close to crazy, begin to dissipate in
Direct proportion to my adrenal glands slowing down
Adrenalin production, and as my rebalanced state of mind
Began to calm down, inviting rational thought to return,
I came to understand why I'd experienced another
Fear-based bout of PTSD when exhaustion
Knocked my think tank for a loop in the aftermath of
Our festive Holiday weekend, which everyone
Enjoyed, thoroughly, including me ...
And one day soon, I'll describe the way my brain worked through
Yesteryear's eruption of unhealed pain for you, suggestive of
The fact that my self confident spirit may have reason to exhaust and
Take a much needed nap, while my never-give-up, positively focused
Attitude, which guides my path toward self discovery, has learned to
Control the egocentric nature of irrational anxiety, by
Instructing the eruption of subconscious fear to sit meekly on
A time out chair, while intuitive thought calms
My conscious mind at least enough to stop running
In circles like a caged gerbil on a wheel, and knowing this
Ability to have strengthened, considerably, this year, I've
Developed a deep respect for my adult history, which
Serves to reassure my rexhausted-solution-seeker to
Relax and feel patient until my matured sense of intuition
Feels readiness to fire off another stream of
Insight, concerning the deeper truth of
My self worth's agility to refocus from negativity to
Positivity each time my rested mind recognizes
How best to tweak a plan of action, which had
Escaped detection at an earlier time when darkly colored
Fear-based trains of thoughts had trapped
My thought processor within a conundrum so
Confounding as to wear down my spirit, which
Upon re-energizing, quests for knowledge to serve as
My conscious mind's primary source of bolstering courage
And thus, knowing that my inner strength of
POSITIVELY FOCUSED, SELF CONFIDENT
PATIENCE, CONCERNING EMERGENT INSIGHT
Rides shotgun without falling sleep, 24/7 (no matter how
High my anxiety levels rise), my conscious mind feels
Inspired to relax more quickly, today, than ever before
And thus does the strength in my belief, concerning
The emergence of intuitive trains of insight-driven
Thoughts calming my nerves at least enough to reduce
Adrenalin production, which might otherwise high jack my
Smarts into believing that my only choices are
Fight, flee or freeze into silence (as had been true of
My defensive pattern in times past), I can offer you yet
Another description of my 24/7 wide awake strength:
My brain has developed a well practiced
Sense of humility to know when my confounded mind
Needs to open up and freely seek knowledgable
Help, suggesting my ability to place egocentric fears
In time out in favor of making good use of
My think tank to listen so calmly as to astutely absorb
Information, which catalyzes a growth spurt so
Personalized as to coax my conscious mind to
Reconsider and reroute misperceptions that
I'd absorbed during childhood, which had
Inadvertently diminished my
Subconscious sense of self worth ...
And as long as this wide awake inner strength
Fortifies my belief in my intuition's
Well practiced ability to work patiently, little by little
To act as the middleman, who cuts windows into
My wall of denial, through which
Subconscious awareness passes deeply buried fears
(festering rawly, since childhood) into the self confident
Rebalanced, well rested conscious portion of my
Think tank where inventive thought conjures up
Creative plans of action that restore
The traumatized portions of my brain to
Good health, at last, I can't help but wonder
If you are wondering where today's stream of conscious
Thought is heading ... today's healthy train of thought is my
Way of saying that I've finally decided to stop
Beating myself up, and if you ask how
I plan to make that positive change happen, I'll reply:
Please tune into this rest station, tomorrow ...
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