Though everyone agreed that our Passover weekend offered up
Everything I'd hoped and planned for ... And though I'd planned to lighten up
Over these past several weeks, exhaustion has caused
My view of the future to darken, and whenever that happens
My pattern is to give my exhausted self a very hard time
It's as if my inability to be productive punctures my self worth and
All of my inner strengths fizzle, like a balloon punctured by a pin
Though mentally prepared to experience exhaustion in the aftermath of
Our whirlwind weekend, I did not expect exhaustion to release fear
Will says I've been beating myself up.
(Geez! I thought I'd finished with that!)
Over these past two weeks, I've truly been paralyzed by anxiety, which
Has not eased, and here's what I've come to think:
When I push myself too far, vulnerability leaks subconscious fear.
In addition to thinking that I've absorbed my mother's fear of old age
I fear my inability to protect Will, my kids, my grandkids and myself from
All that is not safe in the world. I'm not breathing freely, making me light-headed
And feeling dizzy, all I can do is lie down and read.
That wouldn't be a bad thing if the anxiety would let up
I try to embrace stillness and acceptance of reality, but they feel like opposites
On Mother's Day, I sent this text to several dear friends and three nieces:
I'm having a quiet day, today. Ever since Passover, I've felt spent, physically and emotionally. I push myself too far and that needs to change. Though I am going to the doctor to rule out anything that may be a contributing factor, I'm concentrating on creating a healthy mind shift in hopes of adjusting unrealistic expectations of myself as I age. For example, I can enjoy everyone staying with us for the weekend or create a feast for twenty, but my exhaustion insists that I accept the fact that I'm past the age of choosing both at once. Anyway, I'm just being quiet, today, while looking forward to spending time with Celina, Steven, Ravi and my niece and nephew, later.
As every reply to my text mentioned pushing oneself past exhaustion, I recognized an unhealthy societal pattern, which concerns more than aging. It's a matter of unrealistic expectations giving rise to a contagious sense of anxious exhaustion, all around. One exhausted friend, a single mother of two active boys, who works full time in middle management and just moved into a new apartment, wrote back of feeling guilty about wanting to take two sick days to rest. Here was my answer to my intelligent friend's text:
I hope you'll take the days you need, without guilt ... Though we know that sick days provide for time to rest while the immune system heals our bodies of dis-ease, we all too often forget to remember this fact: The brain is an important part of the body. Since an exhausted brain is vulnerable to leakage of subconscious fears, our thought processors feel anxiously overwhelmed when, in truth, we just need to rest and breathe, so that once our rested, re-oxygenated think tanks can accept the reality of human limitation as our own, just as we do with our friends, anxiety diminishes, automatically. And in this healthy manner are we able to value our intelligence, which instructs us to take better care of our whole self, most especially at those times when exhaustive inner turmoil suggests that a change is necessary. I finished with: Thank goodness, your reply to my text inspired me to reassure you, my friend, because, over these past two weeks, my exhausted think tank had need to absorb this same train of thought, myself! XOXO
Her response: Thank you! It's so hard to be human! Haha
Another young friend, an ER nurse with two children replied to my text:
Hope you had a mindful and fulfilling Mother's Day...knowing deep in your heart the profound impact you have made on many of us! And I hope that you are taking care of yourself! Please keep me posted of your health status...hopefully you are diagnosed as just an overachiever! miss you!!!
My response:
I think you hit the bullseye, my sweet friend. Please ask around, because I need a cure for recurrent overachieveritis! XOXO
Replies from three nieces:
Happy Mother's Day Aunt Annie!!! I hope you are able to rest and feel better.... I have over spent myself many times and know that feeling!! I hope you are having a nice quiet rest of your day enjoying it with the people you love most!!! Warm hugs XOXO
Happy Mother's Day! Thank you for being a great "mom" to me, as I've learned so much of how to be a great mom from you. I always wonder when you're not blog posting...I hope you're taking care of you! Love and miss you!
Last but not least, came this reply from a niece:
Please take it easy. I like having you around. Love you!
Thank goodness, I'd opened up with the truth, because in return, I received insight into my communion with loved ones, half my age, whose spirits have reason to feel bone weary, too.
My phone rang off the wall; FaceTime offered fun, and my kitchen resembles a florist, as bouquets of flowers, conveying many colors of love in full bloom, consume the center island.
As for Will, Barry, Steven, David, Celina and Marie, their devotion is palpable in countless ways, and just as Ravi lights up when I come into view, Tony and Ray need reminders not to knock me down each time they barrel toward me, arms outstretched to envelop Gramma Annie in a hug.
What point am I making?
No one can rain on my parade as much as my fear of letting anyone down ...
From now on, each time fear of old age attacks mind and spirit
Thank goodness I'll feel heartfully armed
With love of friends and family
As to the health of my brain ...
Exhaustion made me lose sight of
All sense of inner balance, suggesting that
Whenever waves of anxiety begin to
Dip the buoyancy of my spirit into
An ocean of change that sweeps me off my rocker
I'll do well to readily accept
My growing sense of human limitation with ...
More stillness and grace by dipping my spirit
Into an ocean of Self love, well earned over my lifetime
Perhaps, tis time, once again, to see my life as
A relay race suggesting that just as
I offered my sons life's tools during childhood
Tis my turn to pass yet another baton to
This trio of adults without beating myself up by
Worrying over letting my loved ones down as
Our futures continue to unfold ... Sigh ...
I feel something inside lifting the
Blind weight that had flattened my spirit until
Today's train of thought chugged through
The tunnel of darkness toward glimmers of insight
Offering my mind reason to stop raining
Subconscious fear all over my parade
On the other hand, my fear of old age had need to clarify before
My exhausted think tank felt ready to pull into
Today's rest station, where a positively focused change in
My attitude has unloaded, unpacked and reconsidered
Another piece of baggage that
I'd unknowingly lugged around, draining
My energy tank, unnecessarily, most especially
Over these past two weeks when the sum of my mental strengths
Felt too exhausted to function as a well balanced whole ...
And with that said, time will tell if
My mind and spirit feel ready to rest free of fear ... Why?
Well, my cup runneth over with love, suggesting
A future much more bright than not. Why?
At this moment, stillness suggests that reality has two sides
And by focusingon the bright side, I'm choosing to lighten up ...
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