1373G READINESS SIGNALS A FINAL DRUM ROLL, AT LAST!

Though I can't deny that today's stream of conscious thought
Is in need of editing to minimize redundancy (Sigh!)
I know myself not to be empowered with that skill, so
In order to soothe my frustration, concerning writing imperfections
I encourage myself with this belief:  Some day, someone, who
Thinks my brain has something of value to impart
Will tackle an editing process, which continues to escape
The repetitious nature of my streams of conscious thought
And if I'm still on this side of the grass at that time
My eyes are likely to grow wide with wonder to see
Thousands of trains of thought funnel down to comprise
A pamphlet of three pages in length ... LAM
(LAUGHING AT MYSELF)
If you ask what compels me to pen similar thoughts, repeatedly
Here's what I surmise:  Just as toddlers learn to recite
Their ABC's in an orderly fashion from beginning to end and
Children work, repeatedly, to commit
Multiplication tables to permanent memory, I feel need to
Carve healthy channels of thought into my think tank on
Pretty much a daily basis until self-empowering insights have been
So indelibly tattooed into my conscious awareness as to
Direct future trains of thought to switch tracks, naturally, away from
Old channels of thought, which had once proved so
Black or white as to have limited my decision-maker to
Run along tracks so narrow as to have created
Closed minded attitudes that had caged my mind in
Spaces too small to free my spirit's lifelong need to
Soar so high as to explore life's expansive
Horizons where challenging experiences, enhancing
My sense of personal growth, invite the rocky nature of
My peace of mind to feel soothed, relaxed and at home with
This aspect of my life:  If I can ease up on my dark sense of
Cloudiness, which rains on my parade, subconsciously, at least
Enough to accept my being an imperfect individual instead of
Imposing undeserved feelings of guilt upon my self perceptions then
I'll proactively disarm negatively focused self judgment from spoiling
My current ride into the sunset, and once I cure myself of
Subconscious negativity in favor of embracing
A well-balanced, positively focused point of view,  I'll not
Harbor need to flog myself when my best efforts to
Inspire all of my loved ones with reason to feel so
Deeply loved as to return my smiles does not offer me
100% of success, as failing to please everyone has felt
Like personal failure to me, you may see why
My need to repeat trains of intuitive thought until
My finished sense of self worth feels rebalanced
Makes very good sense to me; on the other hand
I often wonder why so many of you choose to return, day
After day, to read posts in which one string of insights
Moves forward, igniting the next as slowly as
Molasses might take to descend from a darkly cloudy
Rocky peak of a mountain before my quest to
'know myself' feels need to rest on
A well-grounded, grassy foot hill below ...
And I also wonder why you'd challenge your mind
To make your way through complex streams of thoughts
Tumbling so quickly through my conscious mind that
My stylus can't hope to simplify each one in such
An orderly fashion as to invite you to absorb
Certain posts without hunkering down, time and again
In the same way that proves true of me except for
Those times when I'm story telling, so
In light of  how hard your mind must work to
Comprehend the complexity of intuitive
Trains of thought that land on your screen after
Streaming freely through my conscious mind ...
Well, my hat is off to those of you who
Seem to sense that within each tureen of oyster stew that
My mind cooks up and dishes out, we might actually
Spy a pearl or two that speaks of deeply buried
Treasure awaiting discovery within
A pocket of your subconscious as proves true of mine

In answer to the riddle, left swinging in the breeze earlier this
Week, concerning my having defined the inner strength that
I can depend upon to 'scout' out each next step of
My adventure into the great unknown (most especially
At times when the hard pressed, confounding state of
Unidentified, subconscious stress is squeezing my
Conscious mind between a vicelike rock and hard place for
So long as to compel my defense system to
Wave a magic sleeping spell over the conscious portion of
My think tank, offering that overtaxed portion of
My solution-seeking brain to grab yet another much needed
Power nap) is ... Drum roll, please—oh wait—
Before defining my personal strength that never sleeps, I
Feel need to mention this scientific fact:
I have learned that unresolved inner conflicts, which provoke
Overwhelming states of unrelieved anxiety, are rarely
Based solely in the fear that my conscious mind can see on
The surface of my life.  This fact suggests that
Current states of long standing, unresolved anxiety
Are often founded in subconscious fears of failure, which
Remaining in an unprocessed (unidentified) state, are
Carried forward from childhood right up until the day when
Adult comprehension gains recognition of this major insight:
After harsh judgment on the part of a parent seriously diminishes
A child's sense of self worth, the undeveloped mind of
This child's subconscious stores his or her anxious reaction in
An unprocessed but active state of being, suggesting that
The conscious mind has no clue of harboring such
Negatively focused attitudes about oneself
However, each time we say, do or even think anything that
Might defy societal conventions, which our parents' generation
Had repeatedly imposed upon our conscious minds as
'Right or wrong' - 'Black or white' - our conscience has
Absorbed those rules so deeply as to deem any act that
Falls short of our parents' perception of perfection as
To activate yesteryear's unprocessed anxiety to
Re-emerge, causing us to feel as unworthy of
Being loved and respected by oneself, today, as
Had felt true when a beloved parent had shattered
Our sense of emotional safety by shaming us into
Feeling unworthy of love before
Our thought processors had developed
The maturity to understand that the harshness of
Our god-like parents' judgments had been
Every bit as imperfect as had been true of our own
(Each time I tell my EMDR therapist that I think
To know why a current bout of inner conflict is causing
My anxiety to escalate, she listens and replies:
You're beating yourself up, again ...
Let's see how this most recent eruption of high anxiety may
Have stimulated the emotional reaction that had caused
Your body to feel unbearably tensed with fear of
Failure to please when, as a child, you'd held yourself
Accountable for transforming your parents' frowns
Into smiles, because you were too young to understand
Layers of emotional complexity, swirling above
Your head, most especially, at the time of
Your baby sister's death
(Or my therapist will say:  Let's examine the fact that
Once your defense system had silenced
The self assertive portion of your voice in favor of
Masking the depth of your personal pain behind
Your ever-ready smile in the the aftermath of
Janet's tragic death, anything that
Scared you stimulated subconscious anxiety to
Reactivate, because, having swallowed
Your self- assertive voice along with your frowns
You had no way to open up to save yourself from
Being bullied or sexually abused, repeatedly, and
Each time your voice remained subconsciously
Silenced, a ghost-like sense of anxiety arose to haunt
Your lost sense of peaceful well being, repeatedly, and
Since anxiety manifests, viscerally, your psyche
Developed an itch to get out of your own skin so
Intense as to compel you to scratch, night after
Night, until you drew blood (today
Your doctor would have recommended
Therapy to heal your psyche of pain rather than
Hospitalizing you in hopes of assuaging your itch
By tarring and bandaging your arms from
Shoulder to wrist).  In truth
The lines penned above were not
My therapist's words but my own, which
Poured forth freely, each time
Her gentle guidance, during sessions of EMDR
Encouraged my subconscious memory bank to
Feel so safe as to withdraw emotional reactions from
Which my conscious awareness had disassociated
(in the same way that my defense system had
Protected my sanity from experiencing total
Dispair by blocking my conscious memory from
Remembering anything about having been
Sexually abused, repeatedly, until
An earlier therapist sensed my need to
Engage in subconscious memory revival, several years back)
And having come to absorb so much about
The brain's defense mechanism of disassociating from
Angst-producing memories, I've gained faith in
Trusting myself to freely follow
My current therapist's knowledgable lead for
This reason:  Though, at first, I may not consciously
Fathom how a current onslaught of anxiety may
Relate to fear suffered during  one of three
Childhood traumas (Janet's death
Bullying on the bus, sexual abuse), eventually
By way of feeling trustful and secure within
The non-judgmental environment of
My current therapist's office, I can coax my brain to
Muster the courage to trek back through darkened
Pathways of long ago until intuitive thought ignites
Sparks of insight, which highlight glimmers of
Association, conjoining yesteryear's tragic anxiety
With whatever has caused my present jolt of
Guilt-ridden anxiety to flare and heighten to
Ooverwhelming proportions, today, so
Though the untrained eye may view
My emotional reaction as inexplicably exaggerated—
Thank goodness, over these past few months, my eye
Has become so well trained as to identify an episode of
PTSD spiking before my intelligence has been totally
Highjacked by an overproductions of adrenalin, and
Each time I go one step further in explaining to you
That which I continue to learn as my self-healing
Process progresses forward, while my therapist and I
Work, side by side, to cure unprocessed injuries that
Left portions of my brain vulnerable to
Undiagnosed attacks of PTSD, throughout my lifetime
A wealth of insights continues to deepen my sense of
Self respect and self control when a sudden shot of
Unprocessed pain, left raw, festering and
Unhealed within a subconscious pocket of
My mind feels stimulated, yet again, to begin to
Bleed through my wall of denial, exacerbating
The same unprocessed feelings of unworthiness from
Which my conscious mind had disassociated, yesteryear
To be projected as anxious tension throughout
Every fiber of My body's central nervous system, today
And not until my therapist guides my mind toward
Consciously regaining a grip on empowering
My awareness to peel away at layers of
Denial, concerning burning pain that has
Been inflaming my peace of mind since I was three
Does a conscious flash of insight, concerning
Yet another 'forgotten' detail burst through
My mind's foggy maze, offering my smarts
A fully conscious vision of how today's reaction
Is truly related to trauma suffered—
Long ago—in silence ... and each time I come to see
How today's experience stimulates
Unprocessed anxiety to arise from
Within subconscious pockets of my mind, causing
Muscle memory to tightly tense up every atom of
My body as had been true in times long past
I grow ever more aware of the way that
Any portion of a new experience, which
Jogs any unprocessed portion of those childhood traumas
Stimulates my central nervous system to experience
An episode of PTSD, elevating adrenalin production
To spike until yesteryear's unprocessed memory of
Worthlessness catalyze so my adult smarts to catch fire
And thus, if I were to describe a current strength that
Never sleeps, I'd say:  My conscious mind has
Developed faith in this fact:
Today, I can depend on my brain's well practiced
Line of emotional self control to come to my aid as
Soon as any sudden spike of inner tension (in
Need of calming), is set aside at least for as long as
My brain requires a relaxed state of mind to
Invite the steadfast nature of intuitive thought to
Flow forth, ASAP, sparking strings of insight to
Stream so quickly and freely through my
Conscious mind as to ignite flashes of
Mental clarity that inform my conscious mind of
Need to pay close attention to details, which
Enable me to remain attached to my
Solution-seeking smarts, on the spot, thus
Blocking any experience from the past from
Arising from within subconscious memory, which
Might otherwise smash my sense of
Self worth into a solid wall of anxiety with the same
Ferocious clap of thunder that an emotional tirade
On the part of an adult, whom I'd trusted to
Love me, unconditionally, had struck down my
Budding self esteem as harshly as a bolt of lightening
Hurtling down from out of the blue knock out
A highly intelligent brain as suddenly as as SIDS had
Spun the sunshine that had warmed my family's
Sense of emotional security into a darkly terrifying
Storm that wreaked havoc with each person's
Peace of mind, including mine, at a time so early in
My toddling life as to have caused
The egocentric nature of my child's mind to feel that
From that time on, my sense of personal safety
Depended upon holding myself accountable for
Everyone's good health and happiness—and
Though my undeveloped thought processor had
No clue that one day, I'd feel subconscious pressure to
Quest toward retrieving, reprocessing and revising
The impossibility of having charged myself with
Maintaining the unprocessed nature of that
Guilt-ridden vow, My path sought out therapist
Upon therapist until EMDR therapy began to
Teach me to recognize how often I'd beat myself up
When exhaustion or some other self-conceived
personal 'failure' on my part failed to save
A loved one from experiencing physical or
Emotional pain ... On my 24/7 watch, and thus ...
Each time I correlate a current reason for beating myself up
With a horrendous experience (suffered in silence), during
Childhood, which blew every iota of
Emotional security out of my mind, I can see how the
Re-emergence of physical tension, based in a sudden
Eruption of subconscious anxiety, born of yesteryear's
Unprocessed fear or pain, releases hot spots of
Unhealed wounds, which hunt down and attack
My current peace of mind by stalking my
Sense of self with exaggerated feelings of
Unworthiness, repeatedly, until a sudden
Flash of insight-driven clarity spotlights how
Today's unfathomable, unremitting escalation of
Fear can be traced back to one of
Yesteryear's unprocessed trauma, yet again, with
This caveat:  Rather than allowing a loved one's
Uncontrolled emotional reaction to berate
The small child inside me so harshly as to
Cause yesteryear's miserable rejection of myself to
Spike, anew, mistakenly deeming myself
Worthless, today, the culprit who needs to stop
Striking my self esteem gown proves to be
My very own subconscious self assessment, which
Declares me either picture perfect or utterly worthless, with
No wiggle room in between those two opposing poles
And having come to understand why I'd absorbed this
Seriously distorted image of myself, the rebalanced
Nature of my conscious mind has begun to
Sense subconscious connections between that which
I'd been made to feel, decades back, and
Tension arising, today, which proves to be
Based in that unprocessed, yet powerfully
Negatively focused, subconscious attitude of
Self rejection with which I impose harsh treatment upon
Myself when in truth, self soothing words of compassion
Are needed in order for me to conjure up  the true history of ...
A very good little girl, who grew up to be—
A very good (though not perfect) daughter, sister,
Grand daughter, niece, cousin, student,  teacher,
Wife, cook, organizer and cleaner, mother, friend
Volunteer, board member, college instructor
Author of articles, speaker at many
Professional conferences before
Being chosen as keynote speaker at an international conference
Concerning my passion for positively focused
Family communications —clarifies
The reason why very little, concerning my adult choices, over
My lifetime, is in need of change, today, other than this:
My anxious reaction of misery, born of misjudging myself to be
One of the bad guys whenever I fall short of whatever my parents
Would see as perfection, required of me in order that
I never fall short of upholding my guilt-ridden
Unprocessed sense of self empowerment that vowed to
Maintain the happiness of everyone I love ...needs
To alter to calmly consider the needs of my spirit, as
Well,  whenever fate offers reason for inner conflict to arise
Otherwise, at times when my personal need does not
Match a loved one's need of me, I'll tend to bury and
Disassociate from my own need, as had become my habit
When life felt too scary and overwhelming to
Value my needs as much as I come to value the needs of others
Over recent weeks, after Passover, I experienced
A confounding sense of inner conflict, which caused my
Anxiety to spike, as if impending disaster was about to descend
And I gave myself a very hard time until I sensed pre worry, which
Drove me close to crazy,  begin to dissipate in
Direct proportion to my adrenal glands slowing down
Adrenalin production, and as my rebalanced state of mind
Began to calm down, inviting rational thought to return,
I came to understand why I'd experienced another
Fear-based bout of PTSD when exhaustion
Knocked my think tank for a loop in the aftermath of
Our festive Holiday weekend, which everyone
Enjoyed, thoroughly, including me ...
And one day soon, I'll describe the way my brain worked through
Yesteryear's eruption of unhealed pain for you, suggestive of
The fact that my self confident spirit may have reason to exhaust and
Take a much needed nap, while my never-give-up, positively focused
Attitude, which guides my path toward self discovery, has learned to
Control the egocentric nature of irrational anxiety, by
Instructing the eruption of subconscious fear to sit meekly on
A time out chair, while intuitive thought calms
My conscious mind at least enough to stop running
In circles like a caged gerbil on a wheel, and knowing this
Ability to have strengthened, considerably, this year, I've
Developed a deep respect for my adult history, which
Serves to reassure my rexhausted-solution-seeker to
Relax and feel patient until my matured sense of intuition
Feels readiness to fire off another stream of
Insight, concerning the deeper truth of
My self worth's agility to refocus from negativity to
Positivity each time my rested mind recognizes
How best to tweak a plan of action, which had
Escaped detection at an earlier time when darkly colored
Fear-based trains of thoughts had trapped
My thought processor within a conundrum so
Confounding as to wear down my spirit, which
Upon re-energizing, quests for knowledge to serve as
My conscious mind's primary source of bolstering courage
And thus, knowing that my inner strength of
POSITIVELY FOCUSED, SELF CONFIDENT
PATIENCE, CONCERNING EMERGENT INSIGHT
Rides shotgun without falling sleep, 24/7 (no matter how
High my anxiety levels rise), my conscious mind feels
Inspired to relax more quickly, today, than ever before
And thus does the strength in my belief, concerning
The emergence of intuitive trains of insight-driven
Thoughts calming my nerves at least enough to reduce
Adrenalin production, which might otherwise high jack my
Smarts into believing that my only choices are
Fight, flee or freeze into silence (as had been true of
My defensive pattern in times past), I can offer you yet
Another description of my 24/7 wide awake strength:
My brain has developed a well practiced
Sense of humility to know when my confounded mind
Needs to open up and freely seek knowledgable
Help, suggesting my ability to place egocentric fears
In time out in favor of making good use of
My think tank to listen so calmly as to astutely absorb
Information, which catalyzes a growth spurt so
Personalized as to coax my conscious mind to
Reconsider and reroute misperceptions that
I'd absorbed during childhood, which had
Inadvertently diminished my
Subconscious sense of self worth ...
And as long as this wide awake inner strength
Fortifies my belief in my intuition's
Well practiced ability to work patiently, little by little
To act as the middleman, who cuts windows into
My wall of denial, through which
Subconscious awareness passes deeply buried fears
(festering rawly, since childhood) into the self confident
Rebalanced, well rested conscious portion of my
Think tank where inventive thought conjures up
Creative plans of action that restore
The traumatized portions of my brain to
Good health, at last, I can't help but wonder
If you are wondering where today's stream of conscious
Thought is heading ... today's healthy train of thought is my
Way of saying that I've finally decided to stop
Beating myself up, and if you ask how
I plan to make that positive change happen, I'll reply:
Please tune into this rest station, tomorrow ...

1373F. SEEK WITHIN AND YE SHALL FIND A SURPRISE...

Seek within and Ye shall find
Answers to questions that riddle
Your sense of inner peace with
Subconscious fear, based in experiences
During childhood so frightening as to have
Caused serious injury to portions of
Your brain (and mine), which fester in
A painfully traumatized state behind
Your defense system's many-layered wall of
Denial until intuitive thought determines
That you've developed the maturity to
Empower your intelligence with a growing sense of
Courage that proves necessary to quest for
Insight into identifying specific moments in time when
You and your Neo cortex were too young for
Cognitive thought to process (comprehend)
An experience of such complexity as to have
Terrified and boggled your mind, all at once
And every time any aspect of another experience
Pricks that original, inexplicable fear to filter
Through your wall of denial, your sense of
Muscle memory will reproduce the same degree of
Anxiety, pain or guilt (deserved or not), which had
Been left to fester as rawly in its original state as if
Whatever had terrified your undeveloped mind is
Taking place, right now ... (Thank goodness
EMDR therapy has successfully devised
A program that desensitizes the traumatized portion
Of the human brain from resuscitating
The traumatic emotional reaction associated with
The severity of a child's need to disassociate and thus
Bury pain too great to consciously acknowledge, and
Thus does Mother Nature wave her magic wand of
Disassociation until a person's state of emotional maturity
Senses hints of subconscious readiness to spark intuition to
Send intelligent thought upon a quest, which, step by step
Grows ever more compelled to grasp an ever deepening
Awareness of unidentified subconscious pain knocking
At every door and window of the house within which
Resides your hunger to feed self awareness with
The nutrients necessary to fortify your host of
Inner strengths, enmassed over your lifetime to
Provide sustenance for maintaining good mental and
Physical health, which proves essential to
Our spiritual need to muster and maintain
The Patience and courage to employ
Our inner strengths to make the most of
This fourth stage of life, and thus does today's
Intuitive stream of conscious thought
Suggest the primary reason why
The current state of your frame of mind (and mine)
Will be determined by which feeling
Overpowers the other:  Fear, based in pre worry or
Courage, based in strengthening your belief in
The necessity to embrace each person's need to
Stretch beyond fear toward personal growth, which
Means pushing past our own fear based boundaries in
Such carefully measured degrees as to expand
The narrow confines of our decision-making process past
Today's fear based limits in order to satisfy
Highly personalized unmet needs without
Stepping on the hearts of anyone, whose personal needs
Prove more limited than my own, and with that
Positively focused insight into the fact that my needs may
Differentiate from yours! I charge my smarts to follow
The dictates of my heartfelt need to explore whatever
Experience beckons to the soulful sum of
My earthly existence ... And thus do my spirit's highs and lows
Signal my smarts to muster the humility to listen for
Intuitive guidance coaxing my courage to quest toward
Unlocking doors behind which darkly buried fears
Horde untold treasures, which upon being exposed to
The bright light of insight in my on-going need to deepen
Self awareness, ride out of my subconscious on a bed of
Childhood's unshed tears ... And as today's
Intuitive train of thought has chugged forward toward
Our final approach to the light at the end of the tunnel where
The answer to yesterday's riddle awaits to brighten
My mind, thus lightening my spirit's frame of mind
Let's ready our intelligence to get a firm, lasting grasp onto
The personal strength that remains wide awake when
All others seem to exhaust in what seems to be a lengthy faint:
The strength that never sleeps Proves to be
My patient belief in intuitive thought, peeking behind
My wall of denial, in search of insight into
A subconscious fear that ties my think tank
Into such tightly tensed up anxious knots as to
Render my smarts Incapable of formulating a
Positively focused, solution seeking plan of action that
While considering needs all around, remembers to
Include my basic unmet needs - as well
And upon re-wiring my brain to remind me that
My unmet needs are worthy of deeper consideration each
Time parental tapes turn on, deeming me selfish when
I am not, my expanding sense of rebalanced self awareness
Welcomes my intelligence to feel at home within an
Emotional environment that proves more secure than
Had ever been possible before intuition surmised that
The sum of my parts had achieved the level of
Maturity to challenge my conscious mind to
Make sound use of my strengths to pinpoint
Comprehend and shore up subconscious insecurities that
Had pushed my adult sense of courage to excel while
Fear of failure, left festering in its unidentified state
During childhood simultaneously erected
A defensive wall around my horizons, blinding
My think tank from identifying which aspects of
My self esteem had been stunted and
Thus in serious need of personal growth
 Hey!  Guess what just happened?
Insight just sparked a bright light to
Illuminate the fact that when
My conscious mind feels utterly exhausted
The host of my inner strengths do not faint!
They tunnel inward and interact as one, suggesting that
While my conscious mind feels
Serious need to rest while recouping its energy
Much of my brain is working just fine behind the scenes
And as that awareness proves self empowering
Intuitive thought has just offered me
Reason to end today's post on an upbeat note
Uh ... Wait!  Did I clarify the inner strength that
I've learned to depend on to 'scout' out
Each next step of my adventure into
The great unknown at those times when
The hard pressed, deeply confounded state of
Unidentified subconscious stress has squeezed my
Conscious mind between a vicelike rock and hard place for
So long as to necessitate Mother Nature to wave
A magic sleeping  spell over the conscious portion of
My think tank, offering that overtaxed, confounded
 portion of my whole to grab another
Much needed, lengthy power nap?
The short and direct answer to yesterday's riddle is ...
Drum roll, please ...

Before flipping out enough to fling a mad face at me
Let's muster the patience to consider this reality:
... Every thought provoking writer entices
The  reader's curiosity to turn the page ...
So let's release frustration with a roll of the eyes and
Go for that drum roll, again ...

1373E RIDDLE CONCERNING PERSONAL STRENGTHS, FADING OUT OF SIGHT

Riddle:
So, when my think tank has sound reason to exhaust
Triggering my host of inner strengths to faint away ...
That makes sense; however, here's what had confounded my smarts until
An insightful breakthrough pieced together the bigger picture of
The puzzling nature of my anxious reaction as
Exhaustion persisted for weeks after our Passover weekend had
Delighted everyone, most especially ... me
So when the puzzling nature of my strengths failed to
Resuscitate, overlong, riddling my mind with anxiety
Can you guess which strength had reason to remain vigilantly awake?
Hint:  I've named this particular strength Scout

1373D. ONCE AGAIN, PATIENCE AND INSIGHT UNBOGGLE MY MIND

A word of caution:  I just reread this post and the two that came before, all of which prove to be in serious need of grammatical attention, suggesting the wearied state of my mind to be self evident, so now that you've been duly warned, please feel free to choose to continue reading or not ...

Though exhaustion still outweighs my physical and mental stamina, as if my brain's a cell phone, begging to be fully charged so it's battery doesn't feel run down so quickly as to see its source of energy flatline, repeatedly, I'm aware of my brain recharging just enough to signal my spirit to embrace a positively focused progression, as my main source of energy inches toward refueling my life force as though common sense, coupling with intelligence, is empowering my intuitive, decision-making machine to make internal adjustments that prove necessary if I am to accept the universal process of aging with less angst, more grace.  And to that end, You watch as I consciously coach my trains of thought to coax my spirit to hearten by topping off my half full cup with sweet dollops of humbled appreciation for the gifts of love bestowed upon me by family and a host of friends, offering me reason to raise my glass to toast my love of life, which feels enhanced each time positive focus turns on spotlights of intuitive insight, which highlight dark spots of subconscious negativity, born of fear.

Each time one of my two primary fears is fully exposed, a deep sigh of gratitude sees me inhaling so deeply as to fully re-oxygenate my brain, catalyzing heightened levels of anxiously repressed muscle tension, born of extended periods of mental stress, to release, and asmy body mass reoxygenates freeing my whole brain from feeling squeezed between the vice of a rock and hard place, a sense of expanded space welcomes back an ever deepening awareness of reason to embrace another period of inner peace, which reawakens after each lengthy bout of inner conflict caused peace of mind to faint, dead away.

Time and again, you witness my spirit's natural self confidence begin to revitalize as soon as an intuitive train of thought, like this one, sparks insights that inspire my think tank to switch tracks from tunneling through darkened channels of subconscious pre-worry, based in PTSD, toward refocusing my inner compass to rebalance my THINK TANK's footing upon the sunlit path where my wholesome attitude of all for one and one for all offers the sum of my parts sound reason to fully re-engage with a positively focused view of my brain's ability to influence the direction of my immediate future ... With a growing sense of flexible agility.

WHEW!  Talking about need to take a fully oxygenated breath!
I wonder which two words Socrates would have chosen to condense that stream of consciousness, which empowered my intuition to fire up, sparking one insight after another to fly out of my mind ....

Each time the bright light of insight guides me to switch tracks away from demanding too much of myself in favor of including myself in the empathetic communion that I offer to family and friends, my rechargeable source of positively focused, energetic mental activity plugs into my life force, which inspires my mind to reform helpless feelings of dark-sighted burn out toward mustering the patience necessary to rest my exhausted spirit until my overtaxed brain has had time to relax and restrengthen, at which time, hindsight offers glimmers of insight, which burst through the gloom, just as sunrise at daybreak brightens the sky, which is always darkest before the dawning of each brand new day, and with strings of insight stream through my think tank, brightening my perspective, I can clearly see the next step of my path where the sum of my parts, functioning, yet again, as a well-balanced whole, senses my intuitive eagerness to fully embrace a brightly rekindled, respectful attitude, concerning my well-practiced ability to direct my love of life to take a leading role in influencing which choice my restrengthened spirit directs my immediate future to head toward, yet again:  Toward shrinking back onto the crowded intersection where anxious thoughts of unresolved inner conflicts rain on my parade of inner strengths or the road less taken, which demands stoking refreshed mind and spirit with a sufficiency of self confident courage necessary to charge intelligence to call upon intuitive common sense to draw forth strings of insight, lighting the next leg of my adventure into the great unknown, where my smart heart will seek to color in bigger pictures which had formerly seemed black or white.

Guess I felt an intuitive need to express this train of thought to you in hopes of clarifying and absorbing today's emergent string of insights more deeply, myself.  As a matter of fact, my ability to clarify and express the complex nature of recent trains of thought indicates a flow of mental energy refueling (recentering) my sense of positive focus, as though deeper truth, concerning my need for patience with my process, is suggesting that each time my brain feels so sufficiently rested as to reduce the production of anxiety induced adrenalin, strings of insight, simplifying emotional complexity, pour forth, brightening my view, suggesting sound reason for me to rely upon my spirit, smarts, and kindhearted traits to spotlight dark spots of fear of danger provoking  my silencing anger, both of which cause my smarts to tighten up with inner tensions that constrict my ability to breathe, deeply and naturally, and that points to reason for lack of oxygenated energy needed to unboggle my mind.  So what catalyzes subconscious anxiety to riddle the innate intelligence of my think tank?  Rather than questing consciously toward resolving that riddle, right now, let's see what intuitive thought conjures up by offering our brains time to ponder over that question, over night,

Oh wait ... One more thing:
In order to calm my mind by releasing bits of pent up tension, thus expanding my brain's ability to think smart rather than fearfully, lets offer my conscious mind a nourishing slice of memory to munch on, which will coax all if me to absorb sound reason to relax:  Last night, Will and I experienced the good fortune of welcoming a dear neighbor, who offered to prepare and then stayed to share a delicious and nourishing homemade dinner with us.  And while savoring that memory which sweetens my mind, I'll end today's musings on an upscale note.p, knowing that up beat thoughts inspire my frowns to smile, and smiles signal my brain to stimulate production of chemicals that calm my mind with thoughts of well being ... Halting the progression of negatively focused trains of thoughts from further provoking attacks of anxiety to heighten until an over-production of adrenalin high jacks the sum of my hard win inner strengths, yet again!  Each time a positively focused idea takes control over my conscious mind guess what I reduce?  Anxiety.  And each time intuitive thought observes my intelligence gaining insight into how best to gain insight into soothing my deepest fears, I can sense the importance of relaxing anxiety by nurturing an open-minded self confident attitude most especially at times when a shot of reality forbids my adult thought processor to seek safe haven in denial.

Each time my life crosses paths with people, who are blind to their own negatively focused, personal sense of safety exhibiting defensive need to control ... Me ... I charge myself with maintaining my line of control in order to keep my eye trained upon achieving my positively focused goals, suggesting my not being goaded into a vengeful state of emotional immaturity that would cause me to switch tracks and play into their manipulative hands, thus exacerbating a control freak's need to retaliate by challenging ny smarts to come out swinging at the sound of each bell, signaling the vicious cycle of round three and four and countless more until, feeling punch drunk and pummeled by life's uncertainties, my life force finds itself flat-out fainting from mental exhaustion, again!  In short, My smarts need to gain insight into recognizing a variety of personality patterns that serve to undermine my goal of all for one and one for all. And to that end do I work to differentiate between birds of a feather and birds of prey, because history suggests need to identify friends, who appreciate personal growth and frenemies, who are sure to cross paths with my life.

And with thoughts of calming my mind by releasing a bit of pent up tension, thus expanding my brain's ability to think smart rather than fearfully, lets reolenish a nourishing slice of my memory, which will coax all of me to absorb sound reason to relax, and to that end, please indulge my choice to munch on this mental treat, once again:  Last night, Will and I experienced the good fortune of welcoming a dear neighbor, who offered to prepare and then stayed to share a delicious and nourishing homemade dinner with us.  And while savoring that memory which sweetens my mind, I'll end today's musings on an upscale note, knowing that up beat thoughts inspire my frowns to smile, and as  smiles signal my brain to stimulate production of chemicals that calm my mind with thoughts of well being, inspiring myself to upend a frown by drawing forth a smile is a trait worth  acquiring, indeed. 

1373C MY FRIEND ANSWERS MY TEXT

My friend, a cardiologist residing in
The rainy Northwest, texts back
We never stop learning about who we are

I reply
I'd like to gain that information with less mental strain!
Please say something corny that makes me laugh ...

He replies
Too many friends with serious illnesses
I'm reminded how lucky I am - and how thankful for all the good things in my life

Knowing attitude is everything, I reply
I'm truly sorry to know that many of your friends are seriously ill.  In truth, I had no clue how deeply I'd feared this fourth stage of life until after Passover, when exhaustion weakened my wall of denial, freeing anxiety to overwhelm my conscious mind, and though adrenalin, pulsing through my body, scared my sense of personal safety out of my wits, awareness hit, concerning my need to identify those times when my self defeating pattern of denial blindsides my sense of reality (as proved true last summer, when stress-stimulated adrenalin pumped so furiously through my heart as to freeze one of my ventricles, landing me in the hospital in The Midwest), which proves in need of adjustment, from time to time.  So, once again, I find myself working to reprogram my mind to acknowledge and calm each uprising of underlying anxiety by consciously rebalancing my trains of thought to switch tracks from fearing certain realities that accompany this fourth stage of life by focusing positively on this aspect of reality:  Reflection points to the fact that my life tunneth over with far more good fortune than not, and needless to say, my family, dearest friends and continuing good health top the list of personal treasures, which offers my think tank sound reason to tune out negativity in favor of counting my blessings instead of sheep.

Having come to respect the complex nature of my brain, I charge my think tank with questing toward insight in hopes of identifying the primary catalyst that blows common sense straight out of my mind (scaring my sense of personal safety half to death), and each time I remember to place my faith in my good friend, Intuition, who resides inside my head, I wait for emergent insight to calm my nerves until the dark side recedes at least enough for my corny sense of humor to kick back in, and since corniness inspires my spirit to smile, that's a pattern I plan to keep.  So, with hopes that your sense of humor may feel inspired to play with mine, sometime soon, picture my smile waiting patiently to laugh right out loud whenever your funny bone feels ready to tickle mine ...

Anyway, that was the text I sent, yesterday..
This morning, while reviewing yesterday's post
Intuitive thought felt need to edit, just a bit, and
Lo and behold, during that natural process
Guess whose think tank pulled forth
A missing insight, which answers why
My state of exhaustion has lasted, overlong ...
And just as that insight emerged, seemingly on its own
Here comes another, popping out, right now:
Soon after I felt my life force begin to reawaken
Guess what I found knocking at our front door?
The four day weekend that Will and I
Had eagerly awaited, because
Stessa's name was penciled in on
My calendar, Friday through Monday
Though under normal circumstances, welcoming
Stessa energized my spirit, somehow
Exhaustion and toddlers create  whole different mix
On the other hand, we didn't want
Our kids to cancel their trip, so we chose to
Welcomed our 17 month old bundle of
Energy, whose delight while playing with us
Charmed our smiles to match her own
Though Celina's mom enjoyed time with Ravi, as well
keeping up with our active toddler
Saw my small steps toward recharging
My battery wear down to nada by Monday night
And sliding down hill meant extending
The down time that my brain and body needed to refuel
As each of these insights, emerging from within
My gray matter, have colored in
The bigger picture of a ride that
Proved to be much more complex than
A fully energized observer might see, simply
As black and white! C ommon senses dictated that
I place my Monday/Thursday play dates with Ravi
On pause until the spent nature of my life force
Receives as much downtime as
Proves necessary to Fully revitalize
And in order to set today's game plan in action
I've chosen to spend most of my time
Doing little more than resting body and mind
Suggesting why tis time for my iPad and
Me to take a nap ...

1373B. INSIGHTS CONCERNING THE AGING PROCESS TUCKED INTO A TEXT

I withdrew the last two posts (1372B and 1372C), which, upon review, seemed much too complex to edit, in favor of posting the text, below, which I sent to a dear friend, who had worried when days passed without my returning his long distance call:

I just realized that I never returned your call.

So sorry to have worried you when total exhaustion delayed my response.  I totally emptied my energy tank when everyone flew in for Passover.

Though our feast and weekend festivities were wonderful, my lasting state of exhaustion has offered me reason to ponder more deeply than ever over my need to identify and understand yet another self defeating pattern in that I habitually push myself so far in hopes of providing my loved ones with high octane pleasures as to exhaust my life force so completely as to need weeks of rest and down time in which to refuel.  Not a good plan.

Though my zest for life saw me able to stretch beyond natural limits until I turned fifty, it's taken twenty years for me to pinpoint a pattern that's been in serious need of change, beginning with my baby sister's death when I, being three, could not fathom the layers of emotional complexity that confounded my ability to define my role in my family.

Thank goodness, intuition compelled my intelligence to quest toward absorbing mega-doses of self empowering knowledge, concerning the importance of self discovery, which I have had need to explore, over many years of therapy, because this current bout of exhaustion has opened my 72 year old eyes to my life-long need to understand why I've always felt so demanding of myself, suggesting my choice to retire my super hero cape.   Since I already have a gold watch, I've decided to accept a slower pace as my just reward for a life well lived ... And to that end, I've discussed my addiction to pleasing everyone I love to the tenth degree, first with my husband and then with our sons, each of whom smiled while holding out his hand to accept the baton, which, over my lifetime, I'd mistakenly seen as my magic wand, which with one wave, empowered my solution-seeking skills to cast healing spells over every worry or pain that caused any loved one to frown, and hopefully, with this realistic view of another self defeating attitude in hand, my golden years will see me feeling as relaxed and corny as my texts to you prove to be, more often than not.

I ended my lengthy (so what's new?) text with:  Imagine me still too tired to drive but not too tired to send a smile across the miles.  Then, knowing my friend 's sense of humor to be as corny as mine, I asked him to reply to my text with a comment so corny as to make my smile laugh, right out loud.

I can't remember if previous posts have mentioned that
Will has been fighting a superbug, which has offered up
A hacking cough, for two months?

He's on his fourth round of antibiotics and
Having seen his internist twice

Today, he made an appointment to see

His pulmonologist, who, several years back

Had need to hospitalize my husband of fifty years when
A virus turned into a serious case of 
Pneumonia that rendered Will's life force
Severely weakened for several months

In addition to Will's recent weeks of illness and

My bout with exhaustion, did I mention that
One of my favorite cousins, who was
14 years younger than me sickened, suddenly, and
Died, last week, and adding to my sadness was
The fact that exhaustion kept me grieving here while
My extended family flew to
The Midwest to grieve, together
Did I mention that we had to cancel our
Flight to see Will's 79 year old brother, who
We were told has lost lots of weight and
Seems to be failing?
Today's somber train of thought
Brings Erma Bombeck to mind, because

Her humorous way with words offered up
Painful Truths to the world until

Kidney failure shortened her life:

'Old age is not for sissies'

Though history suggests that

My spirit has every reason to revitalize, over time

Several stiff shots of reality enervated
A lengthy bout of anxiety, which has
Run interference with my need to
Relax physical tension and mental strain, so
Though my spirit often feels

Younger than springtime, in truth
I ain't no spring chicken and
Since my brain has felt too tired to work at
Adapting to my recent change attitude
My mental strain has not relaxed, suggesting
Reason why my fuel tank has not replenished

As to my Rooster, though
Will is young at heart, he, like me
Is no longer as young as
Denial fools us into believing we are

On the other hand, we both look forward to

Date night on Tuesdays, though the time of

Our weekly tête-à-tête begins at 4pm ...
And on that gentle upswing, and
Now that insight into anxiety has clarified
Reason for my lengthy state of lethargy
I'll treat my brain with kindness and respect
And, hopefully, rest my mind

1373A MUSING OVER INSIGHTS CONCERNING EXHAUSTION OVER THESE LAST FOUR WEEKS

Though still very tired, I'm feeling drawn to express the train of thought that's chugging through my mind, right now.  In the aftermath of my enthusiasm to create a perfect holiday celebration for my dearest loved ones, this self defeating pattern emerged in clear light:  Time and again, I push my life force way too far as if willing myself to pull forth super human strengths.  This time, I felt bound and determined to create a sumptuous Passover feast for twenty as has been my pleasure, annually for more than four decades.  If you ask how this year differed from all other years, my reply would be twofold:  I'm past seventy, and this year, all of our kids flew in, blessing their proud parents with the pleasure of their presence, suggestive of this fact:  Our home bounced with energy bubbling forth from six house guests, two of whom were a pair of active little boys, whose energy knows no bounds.  And though my younger-than-springtime attitude delighted in watching Ravi, Tony and Ray entertain each other from morning to night, too much of a good thing must have rubbed against my age more than my conscious awareness cared to know, because retrospectively, I can see how my level of excitement continued to elevate as though to match that of this trio, stimulating my adrenal glands to secrete so much adrenalin that by the weekend's end, I found my seventy-two year old body and mind so thoroughly spent as to be too weak to stand for more than a minute before dizzying, and as I couldn't catch my breath anxiety replaced pleasure, which is why I repeat that too much of anything can become problematic, because balance in all things is imperative to maintaining good health, and that's most especially true as we approach advanced age.

Though I'd honestly felt joyful during each well-organized day of the previous week, which saw me whistling while working to prepare whatever needed doing in order to free my time to shower all of my kids with happy hugs and an attentive ear throughout our gala weekend, which filled our home with love and happiness ... I'd already offered myself reason to tire before they'd arrived, so here is what I've learned, resultant of having thoroughly exhausted my mind, body, and spirit of every drop of energy in the name of creating pleasure for loved ones and myself:  Knowing that my appetite for life is huge, I can see how this most recent bout of exhaustion offered my overwhelmed life force reason to collapse, reducing my appetite to the point of watching myself lose eight pounds while gaining insight into my need to respect the inevitability of the aging process as my own, and thus have I been seriously reconsidering my ability to continue to create unrealistic, larger than life  expectations of myself, concerning pleasures in which I can participate but no longer produce for my loved ones.  And with that slice of common sense in mind, I've spent these past several weeks of down time working to re-adjust my mindset to accommodate for changes that I cannot deny if my decision-making machine is to guide my sense of reality to adapt to this fourth stage of life gracefully rather than grumpily.

I mean, let's face it:  If I'm writing the story of my life then no way do I plan to characterize myself as Grumpy, or Dopey or Bashful or the evil queen or Prince Charming, who has been taught to believe that the only thing that can outwit an evil spell is true love's first kiss when insight into deeper truth suggests that awakening to reality is as much an inside job as proves true  of healing the traumatized portion of my very human (rather than super human) brain.

Don't get me wrong, I love fairy tales, most especially those that end happily ever once the tall tale offers up the positive view of love conquering all.  Unfortunately,  the only kind of love that can TRULY heal THE TRAUMATIZED PORTION OF THE HUMAN MIND, WHICH PROVES VULNERABLE TO EPISODIC ATTACKS OF PTSD (most especially when positively focused energy has had reason to faint, releasing an exhausted mental state to swirl the Neo cortex into a bottomless black hole) proves to be a strong sense of self love, which most children are taught to confuse with selfishness, and as such, vicious cycles of undeserved guilt dizzy A PERSON's common sense too much to stand up and redirect an exhausted mind to switch tracks from feeling like a failure to thinking like a well-balanced winner in need of astute coaching when the game is LIFE, and the championship is at stake.

Thank God, Will and I are still working at re-raising ourselves just as we'd worked to create a team of champion solution seekers, who, like Snow White's seven best buds, have developed a strong affinity for the concept of all for one and one for all, most especially at times when one of their primary role models exhausts, necessitating a family discussion, concerning elders identifying a growing need to pass yet another baton to hearts and minds that both loving and younger.

Before identifying my pattern of not passing batons until my life force has no strength left even to call uncle, my stubborn mindsets propelled the sum of my parts toward total exhaustion six times over my adult life (each time will be considered when intuitive thought gives my think tank a green light).  It's of interest to note that exhaustion does not follow in the aftermath of my being the one in intensive care, because at those times, even I could not charge myself to ignore my needs in order to take care of anyone else if my very life depended on it ... Pun intended.  If didn't exhaust after my beloved father's death or after losing my precious mother then what triggers an exhausting episode of PTSD to emerge and darken my sense of worthiness until no hint of my bright side can be found?  Since the answer to that riddle is still up for speculation, suffice to say that intuitive thought is still working on it.

In order to move forward with common sense, good humor and re-vitalized health intact, I've begun to voice my need to initiate change in such a calm, loving, insight-driven manner that my sons have been lovingly receptive to holding out their hands each time I've expressed need to pass another baton.  (Quoting one of my nieces -please take care of yourself ... I like having you around - Quoting Erma Bombeck -old age is not for sissies-

As I don't want this lengthy bout of exhaustion to replicate when future holidays arise, I've mustered the courage to look into my mirror and each time I see reality staring back, my think tank directs me to assume a self confident attitude before flooding my mind with unidentified anxiety, and in that way, upon opening my mouth to clearly voice my concerns about limitations, which prove timeless and universal as each person grows old, I'll remember to include myself..  On the other hand, each time I feel need to pass a baron, my sons' sense of responsibility has reason to expand, and therein lies the sense of balance that builds bridges of honest communications that prove necessary if two generations are to understand why changes, which we'd not freely choose, must be discussed in such a mutually respectful manner that heartfelt conversations result in decisions that take into account everyone's current needs. 

Since I'm determined to walk forward, holding onto fragrant posies made up of grace, humor and gratitude for love, friendship and a life lived well that means there's no time like the present to concentrate my conscious awareness upon my need to meander, rather than barreling down, a positively focused path.

Last night, we went out to dinner; today out to lunch;  I'm reading fine literature and writing, again.  Though I've not regained the physical energy to play ring-around-the-rosy with my precious Ravi, Steven is bringing dinner and our darling grand daughter, in a little while.

Wow!  I didn't expect all of this to pour out!  But since it did, I can surmise that little by little, the darkness of exhaustion is lifting, and once my energy force flashes bright, I'll get a handle on a deeper truth, concerning the ways in which exhaustion serves as a trigger, inviting another unwelcome episode of PTSD to emerge and swallow my common sense whole.

Hoping all you love are well,

Love you,

Annie

Actually, the train of thought penned above was my response to an email, which I received, yesterday, from a dear friend, who heard that I've not been well.  I chose not to elongate my answer by adding details, which would explain how exhaustion triggered  anxiety, because I chose to highlight that topic, yesterday, in a post that will be published, sometime soon.

My friend wrote:  Why are you so worn out?  Are things not going good or are you not feeling well?  Hopefully everything is okay with the kids.  Please tell me so. Hugs to you and Will  

1372 PASSOVER WHIRLWIND: RECHARGING MY BRAIN'S BATTERY

Though everyone agreed that our Passover weekend offered up
Everything I'd hoped and planned for ... And though I'd planned to lighten up
Over these past several weeks, exhaustion has caused
My view of the future to darken, and whenever that happens
My pattern is to give my exhausted self a very hard time
It's as if my inability to be productive punctures my self worth and
All of my inner strengths fizzle, like a balloon punctured by a pin
Though mentally prepared to experience exhaustion in the aftermath of
Our whirlwind weekend, I did not expect exhaustion to release fear
Will says I've been beating myself up.
(Geez!  I thought I'd finished with that!)
Over these past two weeks, I've truly been paralyzed by anxiety, which
Has not eased, and here's what I've come to think:
When I push myself too far, vulnerability leaks subconscious fear.
In addition to thinking that I've absorbed my mother's fear of old age
I fear my inability to protect Will, my kids, my grandkids and myself from
All that is not safe in the world.  I'm not breathing freely, making me light-headed
And feeling dizzy,  all I can do is lie down and read.
That wouldn't be a bad thing if the anxiety would let up
I try to embrace stillness and acceptance of reality, but they feel like opposites

On Mother's Day, I sent this text to several dear friends and three nieces:
I'm having a quiet day, today.  Ever since Passover, I've felt spent, physically and emotionally.  I push myself too far and that needs to change.  Though I am going to the doctor to rule out anything that may be a contributing factor, I'm concentrating on creating a healthy mind shift in hopes of adjusting unrealistic expectations of myself as I age.  For example, I can enjoy everyone staying with us for the weekend or create a feast for twenty, but my exhaustion insists that I accept the fact that I'm past the age of choosing both at once.  Anyway, I'm just being quiet, today, while looking forward to spending time with Celina, Steven, Ravi and my niece and nephew, later.

As every reply to my text mentioned pushing oneself past exhaustion, I recognized an unhealthy societal pattern, which concerns more than aging.  It's a matter of unrealistic expectations giving rise to a contagious sense of anxious exhaustion, all around.  One exhausted friend, a single mother of two active boys, who works full time in middle management and just moved into a new apartment, wrote back of feeling guilty about wanting to take two sick days to rest.  Here was my answer to my intelligent friend's text:

I hope you'll take the days you need, without guilt ... Though we know that sick days provide for time to rest while the immune system heals our bodies of dis-ease, we all too often forget to remember this fact:  The brain is an important part of the body.  Since an exhausted brain is vulnerable to leakage of subconscious fears, our thought processors feel anxiously overwhelmed when, in truth, we just need to rest and breathe, so that once our rested, re-oxygenated think tanks can accept the reality of human limitation as our own, just as we do with our friends, anxiety diminishes, automatically.  And in this healthy manner are we able to value our intelligence, which instructs us to take better care of our whole self, most especially at those times when exhaustive inner turmoil suggests that a change is necessary.  I finished with: Thank goodness, your reply to my text inspired me to reassure you, my friend, because, over these past two weeks, my exhausted think tank had need to absorb this same train of thought, myself! XOXO

Her response:  Thank you!  It's so hard to be human!  Haha

Another young friend, an ER nurse with two children replied to my text:
Hope you had a mindful and fulfilling Mother's Day...knowing deep in your heart the profound impact you have made on many of us! And I hope that you are taking care of yourself! Please keep me posted of your health status...hopefully you are diagnosed as just an overachiever! miss you!!!

My response:
I think you hit the bullseye, my sweet friend. Please ask around, because I need a cure for recurrent overachieveritis! XOXO

Replies from three nieces:
Happy Mother's Day Aunt Annie!!! I hope you are able to rest and feel better.... I have over spent myself many times and know that feeling!! I hope you are having a nice quiet rest of your day enjoying it with the people you love most!!! Warm hugs XOXO

Happy Mother's Day! Thank you for being a great "mom" to me, as I've learned so much of how to be a great mom from you. I always wonder when you're not blog posting...I hope you're taking care of you!  Love and miss you!

Last but not least, came this reply from a niece:

Please take it easy.  I like having you around.  Love you!

Thank goodness, I'd opened up with the truth, because in return, I received insight into my communion with loved ones, half my age, whose spirits have reason to feel bone weary, too.

My phone rang off the wall; FaceTime offered fun, and my kitchen resembles a florist, as bouquets of flowers, conveying many colors of love in full bloom, consume the center island.

As for Will, Barry, Steven, David, Celina and Marie, their devotion is palpable in countless ways,  and just as Ravi lights up when I come into view, Tony and Ray need reminders not to knock me down each time they barrel toward me, arms outstretched to envelop Gramma Annie in a hug.

What point am I making?
No one can rain on my parade as much as my fear of letting anyone down ...

From now on, each time fear of old age attacks mind and spirit
Thank goodness I'll feel heartfully armed
With love of friends and family
As to the health of my brain ...
Exhaustion made me lose sight of
All sense of inner balance, suggesting that
Whenever waves of anxiety begin to
Dip the buoyancy of my spirit into
An ocean of change that sweeps me off my rocker
I'll do well to readily accept
My growing sense of human limitation with ...
More stillness and grace by dipping my spirit
Into an ocean of Self love, well earned over my lifetime
Perhaps, tis time, once again, to see my life as
A relay race suggesting that just as
I offered my sons life's tools during childhood
Tis my turn to pass yet another baton to
This trio of adults without beating myself up by
Worrying over letting my loved ones down as
Our futures continue to unfold ... Sigh ...
I feel something inside lifting the
Blind weight that had flattened my spirit until
Today's train of thought chugged through
The tunnel of darkness toward glimmers of insight
Offering my mind reason to stop raining
Subconscious fear all over my parade
On the other hand, my fear of old age had need to clarify before
My exhausted think tank felt ready to pull into
Today's rest station, where a positively focused change in
My attitude has unloaded, unpacked and reconsidered
Another piece of baggage that
I'd unknowingly lugged around, draining
My energy tank, unnecessarily, most especially
Over these past two weeks when the sum of my mental strengths
Felt too exhausted to function as a well balanced whole ...
And with that said, time will tell if
My mind and spirit feel ready to rest free of fear ... Why?
Well, my cup runneth over with love, suggesting
A future much more bright than not. Why?
At this moment, stillness suggests that reality has two sides
And by  focusingon the bright side, I'm choosing to lighten up ...