Sunday, October 18, 2015

1412W YOM KIPPUR: A TIME TO REFLECT OVER DIFFICULT DECISIONS REQUIRING MIND EXPANSION

2015
"Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself."
—George Bernard Shaw

It comes as no surprise that I've been feeling
Introspective for quite some time—even
More so than usual since Yom Kippur

Before you read any further, you might want to stop, right here
Upon reviewing this post, I found quite a few grammatical errors that
Could make clarity difficult to field, and as my book club awaits, followed by
Baby sitting (big smile!) for Ravi, tonight, while her parents celebrate
Their anniversary, time does not permit me to correct my mistakes till
Tomorrow, so you've been cautioned in case you choose
To move forward, today, and with that said ... (You can ignore this last
Paragraph, because time has passed and grammatical corrections have been made)

Though I feel need to reflect in solitude on a daily basis
Spending time in introspective thought
Has not proved easy for my mind to pull off with
Ravi's precious presence fueling my spirit with energetic bursts of pure joy
I mean, who in their right minds would want introspection to sidetrack joy?
On the other hand, perhaps today's post is about to define
The evolutionary process of my need to grow ever more aware of
Tracking my sense of inner balance, concerning
Flexibility of mind, sliding freely, back and forth, along
The entire spectrum that exists between moments spent in
Reflective introspection, concerning latent anxiety and anger, and
Moments devoted solely to spontaneous bursts of pure joy—
Depending upon the situation at hand

In recent posts, we've observed my thought processor
Sliding, naturally, back and forth, as needs be, from
Engaging with introspective thought
(Which precedes each spurt of personal growth) and
Moments of joyful exuberance, which refuels my energy level

If you ask how a growing awareness of inner balance
Relates to personal growth—reflection suggests my having
Grown past feeling utterly driven to dive into
My depths, hour after hour for days on end, before
The emergence of a new string of insights, offering clarity concerning
Some confounding aspect of my life, is mine
I mean, when we stop to think about it—reflection suggests
The wonder of my having mustered the courage to bore through
Layers of denial in hopes of understanding how often
Unprocessed fear of undeserved guilt, manifesting subconsciously as
Latent anxiety, had complicated many of my experiences, both
Past and present, which would otherwise have been enjoyed with
The spontaneous exuberance of childlike simplicity

And if you ask what motivated me to dive ever more courageously
In search of deeper truth, tenaciously, I'd surmise that during childhood
My father, whose love I'd never doubted, challenged me to
Challenge myself to overcome fear, repeatedly, until, eventually
As a by-product of having met each next challenge with success
My self confidence, concerning my ability to accomplish difficult feats
Translated into my having developed a sense of self motivation, which
Over time, has evolved into one of my personal strengths, and thus
No matter how fearful of re-awakening repressed trauma
I may continue to feel, my brain, 'working' to heal itself, relies upon
Past success, concerning personal growth, to spur me forward, thus
Offering my think tank reason to challenge itself with
Mental workouts that prove as strenuous as
Physical workouts encountered by athletes training for
An ironman triathlon, suggesting that by this time in my 'training'
My thought processor feels confident of it's ability to
Track back, courageously, into my memory bank until
A current bout of anxiety shows itself to be, in one way or another
Related to some unidentified aspect of unresolved guilt, which
My subconscious has lugged forward as excess baggage through
Every stage of life until my intuitive quest to know
Another aspect of myself in depth clarifies, disclosing
Deeper truth, which exonerates
The innocence of the child within from undeserved guilt, thus
Offering me yet another opportunity to shine up
A tarnished portion of my self worth by acknowledging
The strength of character of the adult whom
That child has consciously chosen to grow to be, and as
My quest to retrieve details, offering insight into that which
Will free me from judging myself as harshly as had been true as
Recently as yesterday, are revealed, I grow
Ever more aware of having tunneled through
So many layers of denial as to feel better balanced (and thus
More self assured) concerning the depths of
My decision-making process, today, than
Had been true ever since my world went dark after
Janet's tragic death left me feeling confounded, terrified
All alone and unworthy of receiving love, at the tender age of three
(Who knew that an identity crises could commence as young as that?)
Today, I believe that in addition to having experienced
Irretrievable, inexplicable loss, at such a vulnerable age, as well as
Having witnessed my parents' agony, shaped the major portion of
My character traits before my second sister was born, one year later

The more I come to know, respect and embrace the empathetic, open minded
Strong spirited person who makes me, me, today, the less
My self worth depends upon what others expect of me or think of me or
Say about me, and here's why that's true:
As unrealistic expectations, which I'd set for myself in remorse for
Survivor's guilt, which should not have been mine to own, continue
To rebalance, I feel less selfish at those times when
The only person who can decide how to honor that which
My heart and spirit need to thrive is—me
You see, even if you'd lost a baby sister at the age of three
That does not mean we've walked in each other's shoes, because
My greatest trauma, which took place in the aftermath of Janet's death
Was a by-product of having unknowingly swallowed
My self assertive voice before it had ever had a chance to develop
(And that story has already been written)

In recent years, my thought processor is growing better equipped at
Acknowledging how blind my sense of penance has been to
The entire spectrum of choices that exists between
Selfishness and selflessness, and each time
I consciously choose not to be selfless, today, this expansion of
My decision making process (mind set) does not leave me feeling as selfish as
Had been true before a recent series of personal growth spurts
Served to rebalance my self worth
In short, I value and respect myself as an individual as much as
I value and respect the differing needs of each member of
Each group with which I freely choose to connect, and
In a nut shell, here's why that's true:
We often feel that another person's personal decision is wrong, when
Deeper truth suggests that
What feels wrong to me may not feel wrong to you, so that which
May feel emotionally wrong is not necessarily logically or morally wrong
And with that deeper truth in mind, My sense of compassion
Does not need to hear someone's sad story to know that
They have at least one, especially by
The time we each reach an advanced age

As I've grown consciously aware of how quickly subconscious fear, emerging as unnamed anxiety, confounds (and narrows) my thought processor's decision-making process, my newly balanced self respect rises to the rescue by taking hold of the lasso (which, in the past had tightened itself around my neck, depriving my think tank of oxygen necessary to keep my head on straight in the heat of the moment thus allowing fear of wrong doing to pull my self assessment into quick sand) and rather than sending myself on undeserved guilt trips, which muddy up my self worth, today, I think to take a spontaneous time out on the spot to straighten out that self imposed, mind boggling lasso so that my think tank can make good use of that rope to pull my head out from yesteryear's baggage, thus freeing me to breathe easy when clarity proves necessary.  You see, yesteryear's baggage doth not disappear—I just have to remember to detour around subconscious turmoil, left unresolved during childhood, in order to make decisions that are truly based in common sense (rather than fear or anger), today.  And perhaps that's why 'they' say:  There's nothing to fear but fear, itself.

Before I'd consciously worked at developing today's sense of inner balance—between emotion and logic—anxiety (aroused by emotion too complex to fathom in the heat of the moment) was empowered to wrestle my hard won inner strengths to the mat, allowing unresolved fear, born of emotional complexity, to get the best of my think tank.  When anxiety raises its complex little head, today,  just watch my strong sense of logic solve problems in the heat of the moment, spot on.  That's not ego spouting hot air.  That's Socrates's spirit swooping down, saying :  Annie, continue to work at identifying your traits, because you can't really know others until you know both sides of yourself.  Of course, being a guy, he said all of that in two words:  Know thyself.

When I spend time in reflection, I'm not really alone.  I spend countless hours 'listening' for insight from sages through the ages.

While role modeling self control for my sons, I read over a hundred books about positive discipline techniques, which influenced my think tank to consciously decide that spewing a heightened level of negatively focused reactivity (anxiety) all over anyone else had clearly become unacceptable to my growing sense of emotional intelligence, and after my most recent stay in intensive care, I've come to see how holding onto anxiety undermines my good health, so clearly, that experience, this summer,  offered my intuition reason to steady my conscious mind to ready itself for another growth spurt, which means climbing up the next rung on the ladder of emotional intelligence, and upon reflection, right now, I believe its safe to say that that's what posts, written intuitively over these past several weeks, have been working to achieve.  And now that today's string of insights offers me quite a bit to chew on, the fact that it's game day, suggests my need to pull this train of thought into the station in time to pull on my lucky socks before kick off—So—
Hasta maƱana, mis amigos—
Annie

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