YOM KIPPUR—A TIME TO REFLECT OVER COURAGE
Why does the fact that the rabbi had singled me out, while holding the holy Torah in his arms, draw forth a sense of humility from deep within my soul?
Well, reflection suggests that the dumbfounded state of my initial reaction inspired a very tearful me to fall back into my seat while consciously asking myself: Who am I to have detoured the mind of our congregation's spiritual leader from the bigger picture, at hand?
Today, with the passage of time, I'm inclined to ask: Was I, rather than the rabbi, the one to have missed the bigger picture, concerning the fact that each of us plays a more significant role in buoying the spirits of others than we consciously know—a la the play, Our Town. And if it's true that each of us is more instrumental in creating a state of harmonic well-being that extends farther than we are consciously aware then are we not charged with piecing together the bigger picture, concerning whom we truly are, by asking—not just on Yom Kippur but every day: What do I need to know about my deepest self before I can honestly answer the question (that my rabbi had felt need to ask of me): Are you alright—deep inside?
If working to achieve (or regain) a lost sense of balance proves to be a long range goal, benefiting, not just me but also, the community within which I play a significant role, then mustering the courage to peel away solidified layers of denial, in hopes of exposing unprocessed (unresolved) fears, buried during childhood, makes good sense—especially since kids, who bury their angst, today, are walking into schools, gunning down other kids!
Just as parental responsibility charges us to take a child, who is physically ill, to the doctor, parental responsibility charges us to seek out professional guidance when we feel something is psychologically or emotionally 'off balance', because, as laymen, we can't know exactly what that 'something' is. And thus does common sense suggest that just as parental responsibility grows consciously aware by observing and asking each child: Are you alright? ... it's each person's responsibility to ask that question of oneself.
If you ask: Annie what detours our conscious minds from tracking our darkest trains of thought? I'd reply: Just as a child's defense system is wired to deny that which may be feared, most of all, denial, hard wired into every mind, separates our conscious decision-making process from identifying and understanding the frequency with which subconscious reactiveness influences the limits of our comfort zones, today. Bottom line, we can't know how reactive we are as long as fear of acknowledging the sum of our parts blocks our conscious minds from setting out on a quest to identify our greatest weakness and sometimes, our greatest strength.
Though physical illness is often easier to diagnosis than the true source of today's emotional distress, stress, which remains unidentified throughout each next stage of life, tends to grow ever more deadly, behind a wall of denial just like a silent cancer that destroys healthy brain cells until desperation, ending in (spiritual) death, anyalates all hope of recovery ...
Therefore, if your spirit or that of your child remains in a slump, over long
I'd respectfully ask you to ponder the same question that
My spiritual leader had asked with the utmost of compassionate—
Are you really alright? Or—
Has your brain been fooling you, as mine did me?
Though I'd thought to have had it altogether
Subconscious reaction, riding out on a flood of tears, inspired
An intuitive need to set out on a quest for deeper truth, which, in turn
Inspired my conscious mind to dive ever more courageously into
My subconscious storehouse of memories, some of which
Proved so frightening as to have stimulated my defense system to
Anesthetize emotional reactions, too intensely painful for
The undeveloped mind of a deeply confused child to bear, and thus
Did I, unknowingly, carry several traumatic (unprocessed) experiences, forward—
Each one steering me, unknowingly, toward the next, which suggests the way that
Excess baggage grows ever more heavy throughout each next stage of life until—
Desperation, breaking through the wall of denial, manifests as fury or depression—
I've already posted the story relating
My defense system's protective reaction to
Trauma in the aftermath of Janet's tragic death, at which time
I'd lost ownership over the self-assertive portion of my voice
I've already posted the story relating
My defense system's repressive reaction to
Trauma while being bullied on the bus
I've not yet posted the story relating
My defense system's repressive reaction to
Trauma, resultant of abuse
Why not? Readiness to muster the courage necessary
To dive ever more deeply into exorcizing my
fear of exposing those subconscious memories to
My conscious mind is not yet mine ...
Why not? I don't know, which suggests that having worked
Recently, to regain my sense of balance is not to say that
I've developed a balanced view of every aspect of my past—Oh! Wait!
Actually, while writing, right now, intuition has just suggested why
That part of my past still feels too raw for
My conscious mind to swallow whole:
A sudden burst of insight has just made me aware of the fact that
There's more work to do before
My point of view, concerning my innocent participation in
That series of terrifying experiences, can fully embrace
A newly rebalanced state of mind, and that work is associated with
Heightening the current level of my emotional maturity, suggesting
My need to expand my comfort zone to grow past
A latent sense of insecurity that must still be mine
In short, I still must hold myself daily of meeting my abuser's
Perverse needs, and as relieving oneself of self imposed guilt
Often takes years to develop that's why so many
Guilt ridden children do not feel free to come forward to
Accuse their abusers until middle age—And BTW
The younger the traumatized child, the more difficult it is to retrieve
Repressed memories with cognitive clarity— which is why
Astute therapists encourage adult patients to muster courage and
The younger the traumatized child, the more difficult it is to retrieve
Repressed memories with cognitive clarity— which is why
Astute therapists encourage adult patients to muster courage and
Patience while working, as teammates to coax
The frightened child within us all to develop a strong sense of
Trust in a therapeutic environment that proves so safe from
Harsh judgement as to offer the adult patient reason to
Delve ever more deeply within in hopes of
recovering the child's lost sense of self worth, at which time
Guilt-ridden memories feel free to emerge with self respect, intact
The frightened child within us all to develop a strong sense of
Trust in a therapeutic environment that proves so safe from
Harsh judgement as to offer the adult patient reason to
Delve ever more deeply within in hopes of
recovering the child's lost sense of self worth, at which time
Guilt-ridden memories feel free to emerge with self respect, intact
The fact that emergent memories of abuse are still fairly new to me
Suggests why each additional string of insights, concerning
My innocent participation, Offers my sense of intuition reason to
Inspire my conscious mind to Rebalance (enhance) another aspect of
My lost sense of self worth
(The first time my sense of self worth was intuitively enhanced occurred when
My facial expression stirred my rabbi's concern to stop
The processional, momentarily—so much more deeply did he regard
My well-being than had I)
And it's highly probable that, each in our own way is
Questing, unknowingly, toward growing ever more aware of
What may have caused undeserved guilt to riddle
Suggests why each additional string of insights, concerning
My innocent participation, Offers my sense of intuition reason to
Inspire my conscious mind to Rebalance (enhance) another aspect of
My lost sense of self worth
(The first time my sense of self worth was intuitively enhanced occurred when
My facial expression stirred my rabbi's concern to stop
The processional, momentarily—so much more deeply did he regard
My well-being than had I)
And it's highly probable that, each in our own way is
Questing, unknowingly, toward growing ever more aware of
What may have caused undeserved guilt to riddle
Our sense of inner peace with inner conflict, aroused by
Bouts of subconscious anxiety in need of recovery ever since childhood, too
And once your thoughts about yourself have had reason to
Rebalance for the better, as have mine, you, too, may find
Your comfort zone ready to open closed mindsets in order to
Accommodate personal growth in such profound ways as to
Free your wing span to expand as freely as has been true of mine—repeatedly
"Whatever the mind of man (woman) can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
Thoughts are things! And powerful things at that
When mixed with definiteness of purpose, burning desire can be translated into riches."
- Napoleon Hill
Though many kinds of riches exist
The riches I seek do not line my pockets with gold
The riches I seek grow ever more mindfully spiritual in nature
And in retrospect, I can clearly see that that
Has been true since I was a deeply confounded, good little girl, whose
Obedience had been taught to follow the persuasive lead of an adult, who
Acting as an authority figure, proved to be seriously
In need of psychological help
Once again—the first time that my think tank consciously
Considered the downtrodden state of my spirit was when
I'd felt dumbfounded upon hearing my spiritual leader ask:
Annie, are you alright? At which time
An intuitive sense of humility, tapping into deeper truth
Freed repressed tears of sorrow to cascade spontaneously down my cheeks
And though my conscious mind reeled with confusion, deep inside my mind
Intuition had known, all along, that—
I had most definitely not been all right, for so many decades that
I had no conscious clue of what had, originally, gone so wrong
I guess you could say that the authority figure, who'd injured my self worth by
Taking advantage of an innocent youth, had also broken something
Inside my heart, thus saddling my spirit with a heavy weight, which
Had been in need of healing over these many years, and if you ask:
Annie can you name that which had been shattered (though not beyond repair)
I'd reply: That which had been shattered was my sense of self trust
As long as self trust remained severely injured—actually severed from
My conscious mind, inner conflict stood up, winning over
Decisiveness, countless times, and when that's the case
The think tank of the brain feels as caged as a gerbil on a wheels
Going no place that feels better, too much of the time—so each time
Conflict with another arose, and anxiety struck, I chose subservience over
Confrontation, suggesting satisfying needs, which conflicted with my own—
Until twenty years ago, when my spiritual leader raised my sense of
Consciousness to the fact that my spirit was suffering a slow death
And thus, without having so much as a conscious clue as to
How far back intuitive trains of thought would have to track back before
Strings of insight enlightened my conscious mind to feel so secure as to
Ready my whole to absorb that which I'd subconsciously (mistakenly) feared to be
True about myself from childhood until confusion, concerning
My rabbi's attentiveness, served as the catalyst that
Opened the door to my inner need to muster the courage to create
Positive change in my self assessment, thus stirring my curiosity to
Quest from one string of insights toward the next, until, one day
This awareness dawned: Every string of insights has served to
Deepen my sense of courage, which, ultimately, challenged me to
Confront the eventual eruption of an identity crises, which served
To fuel my burning need to identify, reveal and exonerate
The subconsciously anesthetized, and thus undefined sense of
Self-condemnation, which remained repressed from cognitive thought until
An emotionally matured sense of readiness freed my comfort zone
To identify and resolve yesteryear's latent anxiety by taking
One cautious dive at a time, so that
Each next string of insights that floats, with the same treasured
Clarity of a string of pearls, to the surface of my conscious mind—
Pretty much on a daily basis—frees my mind of another layer of
Yesteryear's pain so as to offer my heart reason to experience
Moments of pure joy, which, re-energizing my spirit, frees
My sense of conscious absorption to soar as high as
Intuitive thought encourages my courageous sense of
Curiosity to dive ever more deeply into my subconscious until
My tenaciousness need to retrieve yet another inter-related
String of insights, detailing sound reason for
My conscious mind to celebrate 'the truth' of my self worth
Rises to the surface of cognition, again
PS
Over the past couple of days, I've been unable to write
If you think that during those days, I'd had a clue of
Today's train of thought, tunneling through my subconscious until
Intuitive thought inspired my legs to carry the rest of me into
My office, where an undefined sense of readiness compelled me
To sit down and watch the string of insights, above, chug
One by one out of my mind from start to finish
Please think again, because—
I was on my way to shower and groom myself in readiness
To greet this first day of the rest of my life when
I found myself walking toward my home office, where
My computer, amiling at my return, welcomed me to
Sit down and pen today's post, which, while
Emerging from my mind—one word at a time—offered me
No conscious clue of which insight was about to
Pop up on my screen, next, until
My brain, functioning as a well balanced whole
Had thought to write, as though all on its own—
Today, I can clearly see that, over my lifetime
Confusion has served as the catalyst that
Opens the door to my inner need to create positive change in
My self assessment by steering my conscious mind toward
Confronting an identity crises, which erupted multiple times until
My intuitive quest to identify, reveal and exorcize repressed fear
Developed a sense of readiness—which matured—
Step by step, day by day, week by week, until strength of spirit
And a single minded sense of purpose teamed up in hopes of
Exposing each layer of undeserved guilt, which, in turn
Stirred inner conflict, which manifested as latent anxiety, and
With today's string of insights floating, clearly, within view of
My conscious mind, right now, my heart feels so free of
Yet another aspect of yesteryear's pain as to welcome
Pure joy as fully and peaceably as
Intuitive thought has continued to coax me to do
Upon penning that passage, intuitive thought said:
Okay, Annie, your train of thought has just
Pulled into today's station—twice
And with that, my finger readied itself to slide across
My magic (mouse) pad, thus positioning itself
To click on publish, because, suddenly, all I could feel was
The rest of my life biting at the bit to move forward in hopes of
Having freed my whole self (once again) to digest, today, that which
I've longed to absorb as my own, but could not fathom
As recently as—yesterday
And to think that all of this questing intuitively, within, began after
I'd felt shocked to think that my spiritual leader's
Compassionate expression of concern for the state of my well being
Had inspired intuitive thought to consider the misery of my spirit to be
A significant part of the bigger picture, though until
That moment in time, meeting my needs had
Seemed insignificant, suggesting my feeling selfish rather than selfless...
So hopefully by now, you can see how, in retrospect
I thank my lucky stars for offering me that first astonishing moment when
Insight into clarity awakened my sense of intuition to quest toward
Seeking successive strings of insight, which continue to
Fuel my passion to deepen my sense of clarity until
This year's Yom Kippur service, when self awareness opened my eyes to
The sin for which I've never yet thought to ask forgiveness and repent—
And that sin is the sin of harsh judgement with which
I'd unknowingly condemned the good little girl, who'd felt
Too guilt ridden to grow up to respect her needs or
Love her compassionate heart—though that's not to say
That the sparkle emanating from my ready smile had not been real—
You see, every time I'd successfully taken good care of
Someone else's needs instead of my own, my smile sparkled brightly—
However, had my best efforts failed to win a smile, my baggage
Acting like quicksand, sucked the life out of my spirit—until
My creativity, acting like a magic wand, offered a negatively focused
Downcast view of life such a positive slant as to turn that person's frown around—
And having met with success with such frequency for so many years
Thus did it become my habit to give everything I had—only
To awaken, one day, to confront an experience, offering
The realization that everything I'd given with my whole heart
Proved not to have been enough to fill the void in
My loved one's hearts, because each of us is charged with
Mustering the courage, humility and inspiration necessary to
Dive into the deep end of our own unresolved fears if
We hope to identify, retrieve and heal portions of self esteem, which
Having been injured during childhood, transformed the switch on our
Megawatt smiles into dimmers—and eventually, upon
Running out of energy myself, I found myself unable to be
The high spirited source that, plugging into
The misery of others, served as the fixer, who
Could be counted on to re-energized the frowns of others to turn around—
Hence—black clouds of identity crises looming stormily, over
My head—suggesting that though a fixer, I was not
A game changer I most certainly am, and that
Expansion in my mind set proves to be
A very good thing, because, just as
An identity crises and mid-life crises, which
Look very much alike, on the surface, are quite different when
We are unafraid to dig deep
A fixer and game changer are whole different entities, as well ...
Upon reflection, tis no wonder why I wore my spirit out, not once
Not twice, but thrice—
I mean, it's impossible to dive into the deep end of
Another person's subconscious—right?
(Seriously, it's hard enough to dive deeply into my own!)
So—in hopes of shedding light on the dark clouds of
Confusion, which complicate countless issues, each time
Subconscious fear releases latent anxiety, which, in turn
Triggers our defense systems to seek a scape goat to blame for
Personal pain, which has, actually, been too long repressed—
I work at creating change within myself, while
Watching, ever so patiently, to see if, once again
One positively focused change leads to another, over time
Thank goodness for the fact that my strong sense of
Intuition, tunneling from one string of insights toward
The next, led me to extinguish that burning sense of
Undeserved guilt, which laying heavy on
My head, made me protect my heart until
The role I'd unknowingly accepted as scapegoat had been revealed
And thus, like a jar filled with fireflies, flitting here and there
Every insight that cleared my vision, upon flying together
Shone the bright spot light of epiphany on today's sense of clarity, which
Hopefully, will lift the heaviness away from my self assessment, freeing
My mind to achieve a new level of maturity, which having
Absorbed the solemnity of a certain passage within
Our Yom Kippur service as speaking directly to me—opened
My eyes to the realization that over these past few weeks
My brain, working as a rebalanced whole, has been
Chewing on, digesting and absorbing insight into
My need to ask the frightened little girl (within)
To forgive Annie, the adult, for having unknowingly
Judged 'her' innocence so harshly as to have condemned me of
Committing a specific sin, which deeper truth suggests
Had never been 'hers' or mine, at all
And now, having empowered my conscious think tank
With insight—born of this most recent train of thought—
I recognize my life long need to hold the child (within)
Close to my adult heart, exonerating 'her' innocence of
All sense of wrong doing while, at the same time
Forgiving my adult self for the close minded, judgmental
Self evaluation that compelled me to deny
The validity of my needs throughout most of my adult life
And with hopes of having resolved the depth of
That inner conflict, concerning trusting myself to
Differentiate between times when
A near and present danger is actually threatening my
Little corner of the world vs. those times when a rise in
Anxiety is actually alerting me to remember to consider
My needs as a significant part of the bigger picture without
Disrupting my peace of mind, and having clarified that thought
I can feel this current train of thought pulling into the station
Suggesting it's time to stop editing this post in favor o
Freeing my spirit to greet the first day of the rest of my life with
A lighter sense of inner joy bouncing around inside than
Had been possible before I'd thought to unpack the heavy burden of
This particular piece of baggage, which had blocked
My conscious mind of acknowledging my dim view of my self worth until
Clarity came crystal clear while editing this post, yet again, today ...
Whew!
Bouts of subconscious anxiety in need of recovery ever since childhood, too
And once your thoughts about yourself have had reason to
Rebalance for the better, as have mine, you, too, may find
Your comfort zone ready to open closed mindsets in order to
Accommodate personal growth in such profound ways as to
Free your wing span to expand as freely as has been true of mine—repeatedly
"Whatever the mind of man (woman) can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
Thoughts are things! And powerful things at that
When mixed with definiteness of purpose, burning desire can be translated into riches."
- Napoleon Hill
Though many kinds of riches exist
The riches I seek do not line my pockets with gold
The riches I seek grow ever more mindfully spiritual in nature
And in retrospect, I can clearly see that that
Has been true since I was a deeply confounded, good little girl, whose
Obedience had been taught to follow the persuasive lead of an adult, who
Acting as an authority figure, proved to be seriously
In need of psychological help
Once again—the first time that my think tank consciously
Considered the downtrodden state of my spirit was when
I'd felt dumbfounded upon hearing my spiritual leader ask:
Annie, are you alright? At which time
An intuitive sense of humility, tapping into deeper truth
Freed repressed tears of sorrow to cascade spontaneously down my cheeks
And though my conscious mind reeled with confusion, deep inside my mind
Intuition had known, all along, that—
I had most definitely not been all right, for so many decades that
I had no conscious clue of what had, originally, gone so wrong
I guess you could say that the authority figure, who'd injured my self worth by
Taking advantage of an innocent youth, had also broken something
Inside my heart, thus saddling my spirit with a heavy weight, which
Had been in need of healing over these many years, and if you ask:
Annie can you name that which had been shattered (though not beyond repair)
I'd reply: That which had been shattered was my sense of self trust
As long as self trust remained severely injured—actually severed from
My conscious mind, inner conflict stood up, winning over
Decisiveness, countless times, and when that's the case
The think tank of the brain feels as caged as a gerbil on a wheels
Going no place that feels better, too much of the time—so each time
Conflict with another arose, and anxiety struck, I chose subservience over
Confrontation, suggesting satisfying needs, which conflicted with my own—
Until twenty years ago, when my spiritual leader raised my sense of
Consciousness to the fact that my spirit was suffering a slow death
And thus, without having so much as a conscious clue as to
How far back intuitive trains of thought would have to track back before
Strings of insight enlightened my conscious mind to feel so secure as to
Ready my whole to absorb that which I'd subconsciously (mistakenly) feared to be
True about myself from childhood until confusion, concerning
My rabbi's attentiveness, served as the catalyst that
Opened the door to my inner need to muster the courage to create
Positive change in my self assessment, thus stirring my curiosity to
Quest from one string of insights toward the next, until, one day
This awareness dawned: Every string of insights has served to
Deepen my sense of courage, which, ultimately, challenged me to
Confront the eventual eruption of an identity crises, which served
To fuel my burning need to identify, reveal and exonerate
The subconsciously anesthetized, and thus undefined sense of
Self-condemnation, which remained repressed from cognitive thought until
An emotionally matured sense of readiness freed my comfort zone
To identify and resolve yesteryear's latent anxiety by taking
One cautious dive at a time, so that
Each next string of insights that floats, with the same treasured
Clarity of a string of pearls, to the surface of my conscious mind—
Pretty much on a daily basis—frees my mind of another layer of
Yesteryear's pain so as to offer my heart reason to experience
Moments of pure joy, which, re-energizing my spirit, frees
My sense of conscious absorption to soar as high as
Intuitive thought encourages my courageous sense of
Curiosity to dive ever more deeply into my subconscious until
My tenaciousness need to retrieve yet another inter-related
String of insights, detailing sound reason for
My conscious mind to celebrate 'the truth' of my self worth
Rises to the surface of cognition, again
PS
Over the past couple of days, I've been unable to write
If you think that during those days, I'd had a clue of
Today's train of thought, tunneling through my subconscious until
Intuitive thought inspired my legs to carry the rest of me into
My office, where an undefined sense of readiness compelled me
To sit down and watch the string of insights, above, chug
One by one out of my mind from start to finish
Please think again, because—
I was on my way to shower and groom myself in readiness
To greet this first day of the rest of my life when
I found myself walking toward my home office, where
My computer, amiling at my return, welcomed me to
Sit down and pen today's post, which, while
Emerging from my mind—one word at a time—offered me
No conscious clue of which insight was about to
Pop up on my screen, next, until
My brain, functioning as a well balanced whole
Had thought to write, as though all on its own—
Today, I can clearly see that, over my lifetime
Confusion has served as the catalyst that
Opens the door to my inner need to create positive change in
My self assessment by steering my conscious mind toward
Confronting an identity crises, which erupted multiple times until
My intuitive quest to identify, reveal and exorcize repressed fear
Developed a sense of readiness—which matured—
Step by step, day by day, week by week, until strength of spirit
And a single minded sense of purpose teamed up in hopes of
Exposing each layer of undeserved guilt, which, in turn
Stirred inner conflict, which manifested as latent anxiety, and
With today's string of insights floating, clearly, within view of
My conscious mind, right now, my heart feels so free of
Yet another aspect of yesteryear's pain as to welcome
Pure joy as fully and peaceably as
Intuitive thought has continued to coax me to do
Upon penning that passage, intuitive thought said:
Okay, Annie, your train of thought has just
Pulled into today's station—twice
And with that, my finger readied itself to slide across
My magic (mouse) pad, thus positioning itself
To click on publish, because, suddenly, all I could feel was
The rest of my life biting at the bit to move forward in hopes of
Having freed my whole self (once again) to digest, today, that which
I've longed to absorb as my own, but could not fathom
As recently as—yesterday
And to think that all of this questing intuitively, within, began after
I'd felt shocked to think that my spiritual leader's
Compassionate expression of concern for the state of my well being
Had inspired intuitive thought to consider the misery of my spirit to be
A significant part of the bigger picture, though until
That moment in time, meeting my needs had
Seemed insignificant, suggesting my feeling selfish rather than selfless...
So hopefully by now, you can see how, in retrospect
I thank my lucky stars for offering me that first astonishing moment when
Insight into clarity awakened my sense of intuition to quest toward
Seeking successive strings of insight, which continue to
Fuel my passion to deepen my sense of clarity until
This year's Yom Kippur service, when self awareness opened my eyes to
The sin for which I've never yet thought to ask forgiveness and repent—
And that sin is the sin of harsh judgement with which
I'd unknowingly condemned the good little girl, who'd felt
Too guilt ridden to grow up to respect her needs or
Love her compassionate heart—though that's not to say
That the sparkle emanating from my ready smile had not been real—
You see, every time I'd successfully taken good care of
Someone else's needs instead of my own, my smile sparkled brightly—
However, had my best efforts failed to win a smile, my baggage
Acting like quicksand, sucked the life out of my spirit—until
My creativity, acting like a magic wand, offered a negatively focused
Downcast view of life such a positive slant as to turn that person's frown around—
And having met with success with such frequency for so many years
Thus did it become my habit to give everything I had—only
To awaken, one day, to confront an experience, offering
The realization that everything I'd given with my whole heart
Proved not to have been enough to fill the void in
My loved one's hearts, because each of us is charged with
Mustering the courage, humility and inspiration necessary to
Dive into the deep end of our own unresolved fears if
We hope to identify, retrieve and heal portions of self esteem, which
Having been injured during childhood, transformed the switch on our
Megawatt smiles into dimmers—and eventually, upon
Running out of energy myself, I found myself unable to be
The high spirited source that, plugging into
The misery of others, served as the fixer, who
Could be counted on to re-energized the frowns of others to turn around—
Hence—black clouds of identity crises looming stormily, over
My head—suggesting that though a fixer, I was not
A game changer I most certainly am, and that
Expansion in my mind set proves to be
A very good thing, because, just as
An identity crises and mid-life crises, which
Look very much alike, on the surface, are quite different when
We are unafraid to dig deep
A fixer and game changer are whole different entities, as well ...
Upon reflection, tis no wonder why I wore my spirit out, not once
Not twice, but thrice—
I mean, it's impossible to dive into the deep end of
Another person's subconscious—right?
(Seriously, it's hard enough to dive deeply into my own!)
So—in hopes of shedding light on the dark clouds of
Confusion, which complicate countless issues, each time
Subconscious fear releases latent anxiety, which, in turn
Triggers our defense systems to seek a scape goat to blame for
Personal pain, which has, actually, been too long repressed—
I work at creating change within myself, while
Watching, ever so patiently, to see if, once again
One positively focused change leads to another, over time
Thank goodness for the fact that my strong sense of
Intuition, tunneling from one string of insights toward
The next, led me to extinguish that burning sense of
Undeserved guilt, which laying heavy on
My head, made me protect my heart until
The role I'd unknowingly accepted as scapegoat had been revealed
And thus, like a jar filled with fireflies, flitting here and there
Every insight that cleared my vision, upon flying together
Shone the bright spot light of epiphany on today's sense of clarity, which
Hopefully, will lift the heaviness away from my self assessment, freeing
My mind to achieve a new level of maturity, which having
Absorbed the solemnity of a certain passage within
Our Yom Kippur service as speaking directly to me—opened
My eyes to the realization that over these past few weeks
My brain, working as a rebalanced whole, has been
Chewing on, digesting and absorbing insight into
My need to ask the frightened little girl (within)
To forgive Annie, the adult, for having unknowingly
Judged 'her' innocence so harshly as to have condemned me of
Committing a specific sin, which deeper truth suggests
Had never been 'hers' or mine, at all
And now, having empowered my conscious think tank
With insight—born of this most recent train of thought—
I recognize my life long need to hold the child (within)
Close to my adult heart, exonerating 'her' innocence of
All sense of wrong doing while, at the same time
Forgiving my adult self for the close minded, judgmental
Self evaluation that compelled me to deny
The validity of my needs throughout most of my adult life
And with hopes of having resolved the depth of
That inner conflict, concerning trusting myself to
Differentiate between times when
A near and present danger is actually threatening my
Little corner of the world vs. those times when a rise in
Anxiety is actually alerting me to remember to consider
My needs as a significant part of the bigger picture without
Disrupting my peace of mind, and having clarified that thought
I can feel this current train of thought pulling into the station
Suggesting it's time to stop editing this post in favor o
Freeing my spirit to greet the first day of the rest of my life with
A lighter sense of inner joy bouncing around inside than
Had been possible before I'd thought to unpack the heavy burden of
This particular piece of baggage, which had blocked
My conscious mind of acknowledging my dim view of my self worth until
Clarity came crystal clear while editing this post, yet again, today ...
Whew!
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