1412X THIS MAY BE MY LAST POST—FOR A WHILE

2015
Post 1412T proves so rich in insight as to compel me to
Chew on each one, again and again, in hopes of
Digesting every morsel until my mind absorbs the full measure of
Self esteem, which had not developed in a timely fashion once

Undeserved guilt caused me to belittle

My self worth beginning when I was so young as to
Have misinterpreted much, concerning
Life, death, human nature ... and
The role I took on in my family at the vulnerable age of three

The lengthy train of thought contained in
Post 1412T suggests my conscious mind chugging toward
A station where epiphany waits to offer me
A hat to wear under which peace of mind, concerning
The person I consciously choose to be, will find
A restful place to call home, and as my mind tires of
Questing toward insight into cause and effect
Common sense suggests taking a break from

Diving toward insight until my sense of self worth has
Settled within a newly expanded comfort zone, which
I've worked tenaciously for years to retrieve
And once today's train of thought pulls into the station
Where my transitioning state of mind has freely embraced

This reprocessed view of the person I prove to be

I'll feel eager to reconnect with you

I often think that my quest to exonerate myself from
Undeserved guilt fools my conscious mind into believing that

My healing process is farther along than
A reality check would prove true
And I believe that's the case for two reasons;
My well practiced sense of positive focus tends to look
Beyond today to better days that lie directly ahead
And each time a new string of insights simplifies another

Piece of emotional complexity, which had, previously
Mystified my sense of logic, my spirit celebrates
Each hard won, ten yard gain as though victory is mine until
Clarity offers me reason to see, yet again, that the
Next ten yard gain toward the next first down
Lies directly ahead, signifing my need to
Keep my eye on the ball until the referee, standing watch
Inside my head, declares each next touchdown on
The playing field of life in the bag

If you ask why I tend to make use of football as
A metaphor for life, my answer would be two fold:
With so many players on the playing field of life
Simplifying emotional complexities requires experienced finesse

And injuries, which prove more severe than can be seen on
The surface, must be properly diagnosed and healed, thus
Insuring that each player's host of decision-making strengths
Will not be brought down by an unidentified Achilles heel
Though I could make use of any sport to
Drive my point home, football season is upon us, and my
Mind set has recently expanded to appreciate a host of
Reasons to enjoy a sport, which had formerly
Appeared to be barbaric and nothing more

When the name of the game is life
Common sense suggests that
Peace of mind will come and go, suggesting
The importance of differentiating between those times when
Anxiety is aroused by a near and present danger, closing in, vs
Times when subconscious baggage gives rise to
Latent anxiety, which tackles clarity as soon as
Unidentified (unprocessed) injuries to self esteem surface from within
And unbeknownst to our conscious minds, a haunting sense of deja vu
Tends to influence the decision making portion of our brains

Each time I dive for insight

Yesteryear's unresolved baggage is less likely to
Run interference with the ball that my host of
Hard won inner strengths is carrying
Toward achieving a heartfelt goal, today

Each time I surface with insight
My think tank proves to be a valuable
Asset on the field of life, which, rather than
Being a game, is, most often, serious business, which is why
I do my best to identify, unpack, resolve and unload my mind of
Emotional baggage, which, left in its unprocessed state, arouses
Undeserved guilt, which, in turn, runs interference with the clarity of
My adult think tank's ability to make decisions that
Offer me endless opportunities to experience pure joy, today
And with today's summary of insights condensing
Strings of insights penned in past posts, the expansive nature of
My comfort zone feels today's train of thought
Pulling into the station where common sense suggests
Offering my think tank a much need rest from
Diving toward insight for a while, so

Rather than leaving you dangling, mid air, I plan to
Quote sages, from time to time, whose
Thoughts inspire me to re-evaluate the ways in which
The power of one influences positive changes throughout the world
Then, when intuition signals my conscious mind of
Readiness to dive toward insight by way of story telling
I'll describe our move from the Midwest to
The west coast, during my first pregnancy, and until such time as

Readiness inspires reconnection, picture me wishing you
As many five star days as I wish for myself—
And that's A LOT!

PS
Whoops!  Guess I'm not quite done diving toward insight, today (LOL)
I'd meant to relate a dream that woke me at daybreak, leaving me feeling
Mentally disoriented until, upon describing my dream to Will, I listened to
Intuitive thought interpreting the message that my subconscious must feel
My conscious mind is ready to grasp more fully than
Had been possible as recently as yesterday
Long story (dream) short:
Though my sons are young boys, it is present day for me—
(Connecting today with yesteryear?)
Our family has just moved into a new, large, modern house with
Many empty rooms to fill, making our old furniture, which
Had suited our old house just fine, seem inadequate, out dated
And just plain worn out

As I feel disoriented and overwhelmed by
The work involved in making this expansive place feel
Like home, my desire to carry forth
A role of leadership diminishes, suggesting
My having grown quiet while offering up
An attitude of Carte Blanche to others, who are busily
Furnishing and appointing this house to
Enmesh with their comfort zones—However
Upon moving in, in no way does
Any room, piece of furniture or surface adornment
Feel like home to me no matter how much I long to
Sit back, relax and be myself while enjoying
Loved ones and friends, whose comfort zones feel need to
Recreate my emotional environment into
A clone of their own, which my smiling silence has
Thus far, unwittingly condoned ... Why?
So much did a sense of latent anxiety, aroused by
Subconscious fear of feeling misjudged, devalued, shunned and
Alone (as had felt true when Janet died, then
Again, when we moved to the suburbs and then
When I'd most certainly been bullied on the bus), arise
From deep within my mind)
In short, my assertive voice could lead these people when
They felt need of my help, but that same assertive voice
Dried up inside my throat when I had need to assert myself
And if you ask why that's true, I'd reply
Over most of my life, frowning faces, directed at me, aroused
Anxiety within me, so confronting other's with assertiveness intact
Did not feel safe to me, therefore I did my best to mollify anger—
Most especially my own

As any hint of anger felt unsafe, any hint of conflict (unless
I was summoned as mediator) aroused my anxiety, suggesting that
My emotional reaction to conflict, directed at me, felt so complex as to
Disorient my connection to clarity, so rather than clearly demonstrating anger
I'd unwittingly, offered a smile in hopes of negotiating a win-win no matter
How often my hand, holding out an olive branch, had been bitten

Over recent weeks, the paradigm of working toward win-win, which
Had seemed to serve me well until recent years, has been shifting toward
Acknowledging my need to feel, accept and express my anger as being
A healthy attitude to embrace—
Embracing a healthy attitude toward anger proves to be
Such a huge change in attitude (shift in paradigm) for
My conscious think tank to accept that it's no wonder that
I feel mentally disoriented while my comfort zone expands to absorb
That which I'd feared and dismissed as immaturity in action

While penning this post, describing my dream state
I've come to see why my spirit cannot rest, relax or
Feel at peace until my newly reassembled sense of
Self worth feels free to embrace choices, decisions and boundaries, which are
Mine, alone, to make, so that the expanding nature of my emotional environment
Will feel like home to me—no matter where I go, whom I'm with or what I feel
How often do children hear:  Don't feel that way, when the subject is
Fear, anger, jealousy, sadness, disappointment—in short
Any natural emotional reaction that turns a smile upside down is frowned up—
And you already know how anxious frowns made me feel, suggesting that
My fear of frowns weakened my resolve to confront
Any adversarial attitude with anything but a smile

As you can see, the expansive nature of this dream house describes
Transition taking place within my brain, suggesting why
My think tank needs time to experience growing pains until
Insight into a newly expanded view of my comfort zone
Frees all of me to embrace anger without latent anxiety or
Undeserved guilt running interference with
My sense of safety, which, along with my self worth, were
Shattered by fate when I was three
And if you ask:  Annie, how do you know this to be true?  I'd reply:
This most recent bout of mental disorientation, creating
Anxiety, based in confusion, suggests that
The lengthy identity crises, which has implored
Intuitive thought to inspire emotional maturity to dive toward
Insight over these past five years may be nearing resolution, at last

And if you ask:  Annie, what makes you think that's true?  I'd reply:
Throughout this last year, my brain, working as
A rebalanced whole, has been actively reorganizing
My decision-making process so that all of me
Will feel free to make sound use of my voice when
Conflict erupts, and hopefully, having gained insight into
This piece of unresolved emotional baggage, concerning
My subconscious fear of the explosive nature of my own anger
My intuitive need to search through my memory bank in hopes of
Withdrawing a certain detail, which has been in need of re-processing by
My adult think tank's sense of maturity, suggests that
Over these past few weeks (or is it months?) the sum of my strengths
Has encouraged me to advance from one insight to the next until
This detail and my shattered sense of self worth coalesced—
And now, with this detail in mind, I know why anxiety had silenced
The self assertive, angry portion of my voice, until now—

And now, having patiently and courageously placed this puzzle piece
Into the bigger picture of 'the me', whom I continue to
Consciously evolve into, day by day, time will tell whether
My narrow perception of anger has reprocessed a healthy
Well balanced manner—and Amen to a thought that frees
My spirit to rejoice over the fact that inner conflict (concerning
My think tank's healthy reabsorption of anger), which had
Plagued me for most of my life, has had sound reason to resolve, at last!

In case you wonder over earlier posts, tapping into anger
Roaring within me—I've come to see how
Intuition, contemplating a lifetime of repressed anger, was
Encouraging my conscious mind to feel free to express
My displeasure aloud at a time when fear of frowns
Was still drowning my courage to open my mouth and
Express my anger aloud, and if you want to know
What has challenged me to transition from an attitude based in
Fear to an attitude based in self assertiveness
I'll respectfully remind you of my recent stay in intensive care, when
Repressed angst flooded my heart with such an over production of
Adrenalin as to result in ventricular dysfunction—therefore
Upon reflection, I can see that ever since that experience
Intuitive thought has challenged the most intelligent portion of
My brain to focus upon my need to shift my paradigm of win/win toward
Installing a pathway by which a sophisticated attitude, concerning
My confronting a conflict of interests proves necessary when
An adversarial attitude is attacking my character aggressively protecting
In short, this expanded frame of mind proves necessary if I am to
Protect my heart from another episode of Takotsubo cardiomyopathy

Today, I can see why intuitive thought has worked determinedly to guide
My conscious mind toward taking down layer after layer of
My wall of denial until this subconscious mind set clarified for me:
Behind my line of control exists a terrified child's deeply repressed fear of
The explosive nature of her own anger–so, as long as I'd concentrated on
Calming anger, boiling over in others—fear of my own anger simmered
Silently on the back burner of my mind

Though you may recall posts, concerning fear of my anger
Surfacing, from time to time
It was not until this very moment that clarity suggested why
The good, little girl's fear of her own anger has been
Detrimental to the good health of the adult, whom I prove to be, today
Upon growing to adulthood, we learn that repressing anger is
An unhealthy way to live; however, children, fearful of adult fits of anger
Toe the mark, swallow their frowns (and angst) and smile, or else!

By the time children grow into adults, common sense suggests that
Layers of repressed anger have been compressed behind walls of denial
And in order to dismantle walls of denial
Courage and humility must be mustered if we are to consciously
Identify, accept, and reprocess today's vulnerabilities and strengths with
A growing sense of accuracy—

Though my Line of Control serves me well, time and again

Turning the other cheek is not all it's cracked up to be when a person's mindset persists in
Pointedly pushing my buttons, causing my survival instinct
To throw my adrenalin switch into high gear—
Hey!  Did you just feel Socrates' smile swooshing down from on high?
If your intuition is suggesting that your friend, Annie, has been
Working to muster the courage necessary to confront her own self defeating attitude

In order to openly confront a person who

Has pushed my buttons while professing to love me, over most of my life—
You're right on the mark!

As long as I'd denied the depth of

This person's animosity toward me

My mind remained confused

Though fully able to defend my character when attacked

I've not yet thought to confront this bully head on ...

Though that's exactly what I'd coached my sons to do

When they were kids
(If you're new to my blog, you may want to
Backtrack to my first posts, thus familiarizing yourself
With stories, already written, describing childhood traumas, when
Swallowing the self assertive portion of my voice, during anxious moments
Fraught with fear of anger, did not serve me well—
Twinkle Twinkle, Bully For Me and First Kiss)

BTW—I just felt intuitive thought nudging
My voice of logic with need to address reality by
Stating that the magic of my mind is actually based in
A well practiced sense of intuitive tenacity, working to find
The missing needle in the haystack, which has
Pricked ever more deeply into my peace of mind through each
Stage of my life (Why?)

Because just as one self defeating thought leads to another
My quest to identify and calm latent anxiety offers me
Reason to see that each time I surface with another forgotten detail, which
Taps into the origin of a subconscious fear, a growing sense of
Objectivity inspires me to muster the courage to dive toward
Deeper truth, repeatedly, until, little by little
My defense system grows less apt to heap undeserved blame upon myself
And each time I remember to place my faith in
The magic inherent in intuitive thought, I can consciously
Place my ego in time out in order to free
The most intelligent portion of my brain to retrieve
A self defeating mindset (attitude), buried within my subconscious, which

Undermines my peace of mind, because
Generally speaking, self defeating attitudes give rise to inner conflict, which

Exacerbates tension more often than I'd been consciously aware

(Sorry folks, self defeating attitudes remain stuck in subconscious storage until
Something stimulates a personal need to delve into the intensive work that proves necessary to
Simplify the complex nature of our think tank's guilt ridden, decision-making process.)

If, on the other hand, questing toward insight into deeper truth
Frees the narrow scope of one self defeating mindset after another from
Subconscious repression then the fact that I choose to muster
The patience, courage and humility to re-awaken the rawness of
Yesteryear's anesthetized pain is worth my time and effort to
Reveal, reprocess and relieve my mind of
Inaccurate self assessments, which, taking place in
A logical, step by step fashion, frees my sense of

Intuitive thought to send a memo to my conscious mind, declaring
My comfort zone's expansion, concerning a specific misperception, to be
Complete, and not until that memo has been thoroughly absorbed
(in my case, by rewriting a post, several times) does
A mindful sense of 'comfort zone expansion' offer
My present sense of wholeness reason to rejoice over having
Completed the courageous task of achieving
A heartfelt goal with such a restrengthened sense of
Self worth intact as to surmise that that which had
Once felt impossible to achieve feels not only possible but actually
And inevitably more probable with each passing day—and
Here's why that's true:

Once latent anxiety, concerning self worth is resolved,
A well healed sense of wholeness frees mind, body and
Spirit to meet personal needs without self condemnation raining
On your parade or mine, and if you think
Too many of my posts seem redundant
Please think, again, while I respectfully offer up this reminder:
Repetition is not redundant when mindfulness is actively
Engaging with intuitive thought to dive for insight in hopes of
Carve new pathways, whereby positively focused neurons can be
Channeled to by pass self defeating negativity by
Traveling ever more deeply into the conscious portion of
My think tank until, ultimately
A revitalized sense of positivity, concerning
My self worth feels so at home that latent anxiety (concerning
My childish fear of frowns, inhibiting my spirit from
Unleashing anger free of guilt) is no longer empowered to narrow
My comfort zone, though today's train of thought
Is not to suggest unleashing anger in tsunami proportions thus
Swirling my line of control right out of mind but rather my choice
To open the door to discretion, concerning those times when
Flexibility of thought accepts the concept of
A place for everything and every in its place, thus freeing
The individuality of my spirit to fly so free of
Yesteryear's anxiety as to thrive, today

I mean, seriously—what thought can be
More provocatively inspiring than reminding oneself, daily, of
The brain's miraculous ability to muster the courage
Patience, humility and scientific knowledge necessary, to
Work at healing itself from memories that
Haunt us, subconsciously
And now that today's intuitive train of thought has brought
Such a vital point to mind, yet again, guess what has been aroused?
My curiosity, concerning where recent insights may inspire
My sense of wholeness to take today's rewired perception of
Personal vulnerabilities, transitioning into inner strengths, next—

And now, in the same way that I'd thought to pull on
My lucky socks before yesterday's kick off—win or lose—
My spirit, standing taller than my petite frame might suggest, has
Once again readied itself to meet each next challenge with
A sense of mindfulness, bolstered by the re-emergence of
My newly healed sense of self worth—which
(Running through me, today, as deeply as does unconditional love)
Inspires my expanded state of mind to
Follow my heart's desire, suggesting that
We can go home, again, though wiser, this time, than when
The little bird's intuitive need to fly free of
Its self-imposed cage felt need to ask for safekeeping while
Its strong spirited mind felt need to dive, intuitively, ever more
Courageously toward extracting that needle, which
Has, recently, been disempowered from pricking my self worth

And just as each post in my blog, thus far, has been an ode to
My choice to place my faith in the healing powers of
Positive focus, which buoys unconditional love
I feel hopeful that, after taking a time out from
Posting to rest my tenacious think tank
My sense of readiness to pen a love song
With my three sons in mind, will inspire my memory bank to
Release stories, over flowing with fun, mischief
And frustrations (which prove humorous in retrospect) that
Erupted, catalyzing a maternal sense of kindness, laced with
An ever maturing sense of logic, to guide a band of brothers toward
Conflict resolution, each time their creative intelligence proved
Equal to the task of challenging mine ...

As you shall see, intuitive thought, speaking freely through
You or me offers up nothing to fear
On the other hand, each bout of latent anxiety, calling your name or mine
Suggests that the injured child within, whose self worth is
Still in need of healing, arouses our survival instinct, which
Causes us to fight or turn away from that which is likely to help us
Identify, retrieve and calm a sense of inner peace that was
Unknowingly, undermined, long ago during a time of
Early trauma, which looms darkly within
Your subconscious or mine until we choose to
Muster the courage to tackle phantom ghosts from
The past in order to fortify self worth to carry the ball toward
Today's illusive goals before the game clock runs out
(This week, I've been practicing feeling angry—without fear)

Just as many fears tend to cluster within our minds
More than one kind of courage is ours to muster; however
Let's hold off on fueling that train of thought until
We meet, again, and thus, here's the very last thought that
My strong sense of intuition feels need to say before
Bidding you so long for a while:
Decisions, based in common sense, are not focused solely upon
Emotion or logic but rather a deeply considered and therefore
Well balanced sense of mindfulness, suggesting
That each time both sides of the human brain function as a
Positively focused whole, our decision-making process
Offers each of us endless opportunities to
Work through inner conflict until
Clarity calls upon creativity to come up with a balanced view point
That considers the well being of everyone involved, thus, opening
Our minds, hearts and spirits to rejoice in the best of both worlds
And now that today's sense of hope for
A brighter future has pulled into today's station—
May the force (of light-hearted inner peace) be with you, my friend
Annie

1412W YOM KIPPUR: A TIME TO REFLECT OVER DIFFICULT DECISIONS REQUIRING MIND EXPANSION

2015
"Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself."
—George Bernard Shaw

It comes as no surprise that I've been feeling
Introspective for quite some time—even
More so than usual since Yom Kippur

Before you read any further, you might want to stop, right here
Upon reviewing this post, I found quite a few grammatical errors that
Could make clarity difficult to field, and as my book club awaits, followed by
Baby sitting (big smile!) for Ravi, tonight, while her parents celebrate
Their anniversary, time does not permit me to correct my mistakes till
Tomorrow, so you've been cautioned in case you choose
To move forward, today, and with that said ... (You can ignore this last
Paragraph, because time has passed and grammatical corrections have been made)

Though I feel need to reflect in solitude on a daily basis
Spending time in introspective thought
Has not proved easy for my mind to pull off with
Ravi's precious presence fueling my spirit with energetic bursts of pure joy
I mean, who in their right minds would want introspection to sidetrack joy?
On the other hand, perhaps today's post is about to define
The evolutionary process of my need to grow ever more aware of
Tracking my sense of inner balance, concerning
Flexibility of mind, sliding freely, back and forth, along
The entire spectrum that exists between moments spent in
Reflective introspection, concerning latent anxiety and anger, and
Moments devoted solely to spontaneous bursts of pure joy—
Depending upon the situation at hand

In recent posts, we've observed my thought processor
Sliding, naturally, back and forth, as needs be, from
Engaging with introspective thought
(Which precedes each spurt of personal growth) and
Moments of joyful exuberance, which refuels my energy level

If you ask how a growing awareness of inner balance
Relates to personal growth—reflection suggests my having
Grown past feeling utterly driven to dive into
My depths, hour after hour for days on end, before
The emergence of a new string of insights, offering clarity concerning
Some confounding aspect of my life, is mine
I mean, when we stop to think about it—reflection suggests
The wonder of my having mustered the courage to bore through
Layers of denial in hopes of understanding how often
Unprocessed fear of undeserved guilt, manifesting subconsciously as
Latent anxiety, had complicated many of my experiences, both
Past and present, which would otherwise have been enjoyed with
The spontaneous exuberance of childlike simplicity

And if you ask what motivated me to dive ever more courageously
In search of deeper truth, tenaciously, I'd surmise that during childhood
My father, whose love I'd never doubted, challenged me to
Challenge myself to overcome fear, repeatedly, until, eventually
As a by-product of having met each next challenge with success
My self confidence, concerning my ability to accomplish difficult feats
Translated into my having developed a sense of self motivation, which
Over time, has evolved into one of my personal strengths, and thus
No matter how fearful of re-awakening repressed trauma
I may continue to feel, my brain, 'working' to heal itself, relies upon
Past success, concerning personal growth, to spur me forward, thus
Offering my think tank reason to challenge itself with
Mental workouts that prove as strenuous as
Physical workouts encountered by athletes training for
An ironman triathlon, suggesting that by this time in my 'training'
My thought processor feels confident of it's ability to
Track back, courageously, into my memory bank until
A current bout of anxiety shows itself to be, in one way or another
Related to some unidentified aspect of unresolved guilt, which
My subconscious has lugged forward as excess baggage through
Every stage of life until my intuitive quest to know
Another aspect of myself in depth clarifies, disclosing
Deeper truth, which exonerates
The innocence of the child within from undeserved guilt, thus
Offering me yet another opportunity to shine up
A tarnished portion of my self worth by acknowledging
The strength of character of the adult whom
That child has consciously chosen to grow to be, and as
My quest to retrieve details, offering insight into that which
Will free me from judging myself as harshly as had been true as
Recently as yesterday, are revealed, I grow
Ever more aware of having tunneled through
So many layers of denial as to feel better balanced (and thus
More self assured) concerning the depths of
My decision-making process, today, than
Had been true ever since my world went dark after
Janet's tragic death left me feeling confounded, terrified
All alone and unworthy of receiving love, at the tender age of three
(Who knew that an identity crises could commence as young as that?)
Today, I believe that in addition to having experienced
Irretrievable, inexplicable loss, at such a vulnerable age, as well as
Having witnessed my parents' agony, shaped the major portion of
My character traits before my second sister was born, one year later

The more I come to know, respect and embrace the empathetic, open minded
Strong spirited person who makes me, me, today, the less
My self worth depends upon what others expect of me or think of me or
Say about me, and here's why that's true:
As unrealistic expectations, which I'd set for myself in remorse for
Survivor's guilt, which should not have been mine to own, continue
To rebalance, I feel less selfish at those times when
The only person who can decide how to honor that which
My heart and spirit need to thrive is—me
You see, even if you'd lost a baby sister at the age of three
That does not mean we've walked in each other's shoes, because
My greatest trauma, which took place in the aftermath of Janet's death
Was a by-product of having unknowingly swallowed
My self assertive voice before it had ever had a chance to develop
(And that story has already been written)

In recent years, my thought processor is growing better equipped at
Acknowledging how blind my sense of penance has been to
The entire spectrum of choices that exists between
Selfishness and selflessness, and each time
I consciously choose not to be selfless, today, this expansion of
My decision making process (mind set) does not leave me feeling as selfish as
Had been true before a recent series of personal growth spurts
Served to rebalance my self worth
In short, I value and respect myself as an individual as much as
I value and respect the differing needs of each member of
Each group with which I freely choose to connect, and
In a nut shell, here's why that's true:
We often feel that another person's personal decision is wrong, when
Deeper truth suggests that
What feels wrong to me may not feel wrong to you, so that which
May feel emotionally wrong is not necessarily logically or morally wrong
And with that deeper truth in mind, My sense of compassion
Does not need to hear someone's sad story to know that
They have at least one, especially by
The time we each reach an advanced age

As I've grown consciously aware of how quickly subconscious fear, emerging as unnamed anxiety, confounds (and narrows) my thought processor's decision-making process, my newly balanced self respect rises to the rescue by taking hold of the lasso (which, in the past had tightened itself around my neck, depriving my think tank of oxygen necessary to keep my head on straight in the heat of the moment thus allowing fear of wrong doing to pull my self assessment into quick sand) and rather than sending myself on undeserved guilt trips, which muddy up my self worth, today, I think to take a spontaneous time out on the spot to straighten out that self imposed, mind boggling lasso so that my think tank can make good use of that rope to pull my head out from yesteryear's baggage, thus freeing me to breathe easy when clarity proves necessary.  You see, yesteryear's baggage doth not disappear—I just have to remember to detour around subconscious turmoil, left unresolved during childhood, in order to make decisions that are truly based in common sense (rather than fear or anger), today.  And perhaps that's why 'they' say:  There's nothing to fear but fear, itself.

Before I'd consciously worked at developing today's sense of inner balance—between emotion and logic—anxiety (aroused by emotion too complex to fathom in the heat of the moment) was empowered to wrestle my hard won inner strengths to the mat, allowing unresolved fear, born of emotional complexity, to get the best of my think tank.  When anxiety raises its complex little head, today,  just watch my strong sense of logic solve problems in the heat of the moment, spot on.  That's not ego spouting hot air.  That's Socrates's spirit swooping down, saying :  Annie, continue to work at identifying your traits, because you can't really know others until you know both sides of yourself.  Of course, being a guy, he said all of that in two words:  Know thyself.

When I spend time in reflection, I'm not really alone.  I spend countless hours 'listening' for insight from sages through the ages.

While role modeling self control for my sons, I read over a hundred books about positive discipline techniques, which influenced my think tank to consciously decide that spewing a heightened level of negatively focused reactivity (anxiety) all over anyone else had clearly become unacceptable to my growing sense of emotional intelligence, and after my most recent stay in intensive care, I've come to see how holding onto anxiety undermines my good health, so clearly, that experience, this summer,  offered my intuition reason to steady my conscious mind to ready itself for another growth spurt, which means climbing up the next rung on the ladder of emotional intelligence, and upon reflection, right now, I believe its safe to say that that's what posts, written intuitively over these past several weeks, have been working to achieve.  And now that today's string of insights offers me quite a bit to chew on, the fact that it's game day, suggests my need to pull this train of thought into the station in time to pull on my lucky socks before kick off—So—
Hasta mañana, mis amigos—
Annie

1412V OVER THESE PAST TWO DAYS, INTUITIVE THOUGHT HAS CONTINUED TO ...

FILTER INSIGHT THROUGH MY WALL OF DENIAL—SUGGESTING WHY I BELIEVE YOU MAY FIND POST 1214T AS WORTHY OF YOUR RECONSIDERATION AS HAS PROVED TRUE OF MINE ...

1412U EDITING OF POST 1412T IS WORTHY OF YOUR TIME...

That's all I feel like writing, today ...

1412T YOM KIPPUR—A TIME TO REFLECT OVER COURAGE

2015
YOM KIPPUR—A TIME TO REFLECT OVER COURAGE
Why does the fact that the rabbi had singled me out, while holding the holy Torah in his arms, draw forth a sense of humility from deep within my soul?

Well,  reflection suggests that the dumbfounded state of my initial reaction inspired a very tearful me to fall back into my seat while consciously asking myself:  Who am I to have detoured the mind of our congregation's spiritual leader from the bigger picture, at hand?

Today, with the passage of time, I'm inclined to ask:  Was I, rather than the rabbi, the one to have missed the bigger picture, concerning the fact that each of us plays a more significant role in buoying the spirits of others than we consciously know—a la the play, Our Town.  And if it's true that each of us is more instrumental in creating a state of harmonic well-being that extends farther than we are consciously aware then are we not charged with piecing together the bigger picture, concerning whom we truly are, by asking—not just on Yom Kippur but every day:  What do I need to know about my deepest self before I can honestly answer the question (that my rabbi had felt need to ask of me):  Are you alright—deep inside?

If working to achieve (or regain) a lost sense of balance proves to be a long range goal, benefiting, not just me but also, the community within which I play a significant role, then mustering the courage to peel away solidified layers of denial, in hopes of exposing unprocessed (unresolved) fears, buried during childhood, makes good sense—especially since kids, who bury their angst, today, are walking into schools, gunning down other kids!

Just as parental responsibility charges us to take a child, who is physically ill, to the doctor, parental responsibility charges us to seek out professional guidance when we feel something is psychologically or emotionally 'off balance', because, as laymen, we can't know exactly what that 'something' is.  And thus does common sense suggest that just as parental responsibility grows consciously aware by observing and asking each child:  Are you alright? ... it's each person's responsibility to ask that question of oneself.

If you ask:  Annie what detours our conscious minds from tracking our darkest trains of thought?  I'd reply:  Just as a child's defense system is wired to deny that which may be feared, most of all, denial, hard wired into every mind, separates our conscious decision-making process from identifying and understanding the frequency with which subconscious reactiveness influences the limits of our comfort zones, today.  Bottom line, we can't know how reactive we are as long as fear of acknowledging the sum of our parts blocks our conscious minds from setting out on a quest to identify our greatest weakness and sometimes, our greatest strength.

Though physical illness is often easier to diagnosis than the true source of today's emotional distress, stress, which remains unidentified throughout each next stage of life, tends to grow ever more deadly, behind a wall of denial just like a silent cancer that destroys healthy brain cells until desperation, ending in (spiritual) death, anyalates all hope of recovery ...

Therefore, if your spirit or that of your child remains in a slump, over long
I'd respectfully ask you to ponder the same question that
My spiritual leader had asked with the utmost of compassionate—
Are you really alright? Or—
Has your brain been fooling you, as mine did me?
Though I'd thought to have had it altogether
Subconscious reaction, riding out on a flood of tears, inspired
An intuitive need to set out on a quest for deeper truth, which, in turn
Inspired my conscious mind to dive ever more courageously into
My subconscious storehouse of memories, some of which
Proved so frightening as to have stimulated my defense system to
Anesthetize emotional reactions, too intensely painful for
The undeveloped mind of a deeply confused child to bear, and thus
Did I, unknowingly, carry several traumatic (unprocessed) experiences, forward—
Each one steering me, unknowingly, toward the next, which suggests the way that
Excess baggage grows ever more heavy throughout each next stage of life until—
Desperation, breaking through the wall of denial, manifests as fury or depression—

I've already posted the story relating
My defense system's protective reaction to
Trauma in the aftermath of Janet's tragic death, at which time
I'd lost ownership over the self-assertive portion of my voice
I've already posted the story relating
My defense system's repressive reaction to
Trauma while being bullied on the bus
I've not yet posted the story relating
My defense system's repressive reaction to
Trauma, resultant of abuse
Why not?  Readiness to muster the courage necessary
To dive ever more deeply into exorcizing my
fear of exposing those subconscious memories to
My conscious mind is not yet mine ...
Why not?  I don't know, which suggests that having worked
Recently, to regain my sense of balance is not to say that
I've developed a balanced view of every aspect of my past—Oh!  Wait!
Actually, while writing, right now, intuition has just suggested why
That part of my past still feels too raw for
My conscious mind to swallow whole:
A sudden burst of insight has just made me aware of the fact that
There's more work to do before
My point of view, concerning my innocent participation in
That series of terrifying experiences, can fully embrace
A newly rebalanced state of mind, and that work is associated with
Heightening the current level of my emotional maturity, suggesting
My need to expand my comfort zone to grow past
A latent sense of insecurity that must still be mine
In short, I still must hold myself daily of meeting my abuser's
Perverse needs, and as relieving oneself of self imposed guilt
Often takes years to develop that's why so many
Guilt ridden children do not feel free to come forward to

Accuse their abusers until middle age—And BTW
The younger the traumatized child, the more difficult it is to retrieve
Repressed memories with cognitive clarity— which is why
Astute therapists encourage adult patients to muster courage and

Patience while working, as teammates to coax
The frightened child within us all to develop a strong sense of
Trust in a therapeutic environment that proves so safe from
Harsh judgement as to offer the adult patient reason to
Delve ever more deeply within in hopes of
recovering the child's lost sense of self worth, at which time
Guilt-ridden memories feel free to emerge with self respect, intact

The fact that emergent memories of abuse are still fairly new to me
Suggests why each additional string of insights, concerning
My innocent participation, Offers my sense of intuition reason to
Inspire my conscious mind to Rebalance (enhance) another aspect of
My lost sense of self worth
(The first time my sense of self worth was intuitively enhanced occurred when
My facial expression stirred my rabbi's concern to stop
The processional, momentarily—so much more deeply did he regard
My well-being than had I)
And it's highly probable that, each in our own way is
Questing, unknowingly,  toward growing ever more aware of
What may have caused undeserved guilt to riddle

Our sense of inner peace with inner conflict, aroused by
Bouts of subconscious anxiety in need of recovery ever since childhood, too
And once your thoughts about yourself have had reason to
Rebalance for the better, as have mine, you, too, may find
Your comfort zone ready to open closed mindsets in order to
Accommodate personal growth in such profound ways as to
Free your wing span to expand as freely as has been true of mine—repeatedly
"Whatever the mind of man (woman) can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
Thoughts are things!  And powerful things at that
When mixed with definiteness of purpose, burning desire can be translated into riches."
- Napoleon Hill

Though many kinds of riches exist
The riches I seek do not line my pockets with gold
The riches I seek grow ever more mindfully spiritual in nature
And in retrospect, I can clearly see that that
Has been true since I was a deeply confounded, good little girl, whose
Obedience had been taught to follow the persuasive lead of an adult, who
Acting as an authority figure, proved to be seriously
In need of psychological help
Once again—the first time that my think tank consciously
Considered the downtrodden state of my spirit was when
I'd felt dumbfounded upon hearing my spiritual leader ask:
Annie, are you alright?  At which time
An intuitive sense of humility, tapping into deeper truth
Freed repressed tears of sorrow to cascade spontaneously down my cheeks
And though my conscious mind reeled with confusion, deep inside my mind
Intuition had known, all along, that—
I had most definitely not been all right, for so many decades that
I had no conscious clue of what had, originally, gone so wrong 
I guess you could say that the authority figure, who'd injured my self worth by
Taking advantage of an innocent youth, had also broken something
Inside my heart, thus saddling my spirit with a heavy weight, which
Had been in need of healing over these many years, and if you ask:
Annie can you name that which had been shattered (though not beyond repair)
I'd reply:  That which had been shattered was my sense of self trust
As long as self trust remained severely injured—actually severed from
My conscious mind, inner conflict stood up, winning over
Decisiveness, countless times, and when that's the case
The think tank of the brain feels as caged as a gerbil on a wheels
Going no place that feels better, too much of the time—so each time
Conflict with another arose, and anxiety struck, I chose subservience over
Confrontation, suggesting satisfying needs, which conflicted with my own—
Until twenty years ago, when my spiritual leader raised my sense of
Consciousness to the fact that my spirit was suffering a slow death
And thus, without having so much as a conscious clue as to
How far back intuitive trains of thought would have to track back before
Strings of insight enlightened my conscious mind to feel so secure as to
Ready my whole to absorb that which I'd subconsciously (mistakenly) feared to be
True about myself from childhood until confusion, concerning
My rabbi's attentiveness, served as the catalyst that
Opened the door to my inner need to muster the courage to create
Positive change in my self assessment, thus stirring my curiosity to
Quest from one string of insights toward the next, until, one day
This awareness dawned:  Every string of insights has served to
Deepen my sense of courage, which, ultimately, challenged me to
Confront the eventual eruption of an identity crises, which served
To fuel my burning need to identify, reveal and exonerate
The subconsciously anesthetized, and thus undefined sense of
Self-condemnation, which remained repressed from cognitive thought until
An emotionally matured sense of readiness freed my comfort zone
To identify and resolve yesteryear's latent anxiety by taking
One cautious dive at a time, so that
Each next string of insights that floats, with the same treasured
Clarity of a string of pearls, to the surface of my conscious mind—
Pretty much on a daily basis—frees my mind of another layer of
Yesteryear's pain so as to offer my heart reason to experience
Moments of pure joy, which, re-energizing my spirit, frees
My sense of conscious absorption to soar as high as
Intuitive thought encourages my courageous sense of
Curiosity to dive ever more deeply into my subconscious until
My tenaciousness need to retrieve yet another inter-related
String of insights, detailing sound reason for
My conscious mind to celebrate 'the truth' of my self worth
Rises to the surface of cognition, again

PS
Over the past couple of days, I've been unable to write
If you think that during those days, I'd had a clue of
Today's train of thought, tunneling through my subconscious until
Intuitive thought inspired my legs to carry the rest of me into
My office, where an undefined sense of readiness compelled me
To sit down and watch the string of insights, above, chug
One by one out of my mind from start to finish
Please think again, because—
I was on my way to shower and groom myself in readiness
To greet this first day of the rest of my life when
I found myself walking toward my home office, where
My computer, amiling at my return, welcomed me to
Sit down and pen today's post, which, while
Emerging from my mind—one word at a time—offered me
No conscious clue of which insight was about to
Pop up on my screen, next, until
My brain, functioning as a well balanced whole
Had thought to write, as though all on its own—
Today, I can clearly see that, over my lifetime
Confusion has served as the catalyst that
Opens the door to my inner need to create positive change in
My self assessment by steering my conscious mind toward
Confronting an identity crises, which erupted multiple times until
My intuitive quest to identify, reveal and exorcize repressed fear
Developed a sense of readiness—which matured—
Step by step, day by day, week by week, until strength of spirit
And a single minded sense of purpose teamed up in hopes of
Exposing each layer of undeserved guilt, which, in turn
Stirred inner conflict, which manifested as latent anxiety, and
With today's string of insights floating, clearly, within view of
My conscious mind, right now, my heart feels so free of
Yet another aspect of yesteryear's pain as to welcome
Pure joy as fully and peaceably as
Intuitive thought has continued to coax me to do

Upon penning that passage, intuitive thought said:
Okay, Annie, your train of thought has just
Pulled into today's station—twice
And with that, my finger readied itself to slide across
My magic (mouse) pad, thus positioning itself
To click on publish, because, suddenly, all I could feel was
The rest of my life biting at the bit to move forward in hopes of
Having freed my whole self (once again) to digest, today, that which
I've longed to absorb as my own, but could not fathom
As recently as—yesterday
And to think that all of this questing intuitively, within, began after
I'd felt shocked to think that my spiritual leader's
Compassionate expression of concern for the state of my well being
Had inspired intuitive thought to consider the misery of my spirit to be
A significant part of the bigger picture, though until
That moment in time, meeting my needs had
Seemed insignificant, suggesting my feeling selfish rather than selfless...
So hopefully by now, you can see how, in retrospect
I thank my lucky stars for offering me that first astonishing moment when
Insight into clarity awakened my sense of intuition to quest toward
Seeking successive strings of insight, which continue to
Fuel my passion to deepen my sense of clarity until
This year's Yom Kippur service, when self awareness opened my eyes to
The sin for which I've never yet thought to ask forgiveness and repent—
And that sin is the sin of harsh judgement with which
I'd unknowingly condemned the good little girl, who'd felt
Too guilt ridden to grow up to respect her needs or
Love her compassionate heart—though that's not to say
That the sparkle emanating from my ready smile had not been real—
You see, every time I'd successfully taken good care of
Someone else's needs instead of my own, my smile sparkled brightly—
However, had my best efforts failed to win a smile, my baggage
Acting like quicksand, sucked the life out of my spirit—until
My creativity, acting like a magic wand, offered a negatively focused
Downcast view of life such a positive slant as to turn that person's frown around—
And having met with success with such frequency for so many years
Thus did it become my habit to give everything I had—only
To awaken, one day, to confront an experience, offering
The realization that everything I'd given with my whole heart
Proved not to have been enough to fill the void in
My loved one's hearts, because each of us is charged with
Mustering the courage, humility and inspiration necessary to
Dive into the deep end of our own unresolved fears if
We hope to identify, retrieve and heal portions of self esteem, which
Having been injured during childhood, transformed the switch on our
Megawatt smiles into dimmers—and eventually, upon
Running out of energy myself, I found myself unable to be
The high spirited source that, plugging into
The misery of others, served as the fixer, who
Could be counted on to re-energized the frowns of others to turn around—
Hence—black clouds of identity crises looming stormily, over
My head—suggesting that though a fixer, I was not
A game changer I most certainly am, and that
Expansion in my mind set proves to be
A very good thing, because, just as
An identity crises and mid-life crises, which
Look very much alike, on the surface, are quite different when
We are unafraid to dig deep
A fixer and game changer are whole different entities, as well ...

Upon reflection, tis no wonder why I wore my spirit out, not once
Not twice, but thrice—
I mean, it's impossible to dive into the deep end of
Another person's subconscious—right?
(Seriously, it's hard enough to dive deeply into my own!)
So—in hopes of shedding light on the dark clouds of
Confusion, which complicate countless issues, each time
Subconscious fear releases latent anxiety, which, in turn
Triggers our defense systems to seek a scape goat to blame for
Personal pain, which has, actually, been too long repressed—
I work at creating change within myself, while
Watching, ever so patiently, to see if, once again
One positively focused change leads to another, over time

Thank goodness for the fact that my strong sense of
Intuition, tunneling from one string of insights toward
The next, led me to extinguish that burning sense of
Undeserved guilt, which laying heavy on
My head, made me protect my heart until
The role I'd unknowingly accepted as scapegoat had been revealed
And thus, like a jar filled with fireflies, flitting here and there
Every insight that cleared my vision, upon flying together
Shone the bright spot light of epiphany on today's sense of clarity, which
Hopefully, will lift the heaviness away from my self assessment, freeing
My mind to achieve a new level of maturity, which having
Absorbed the solemnity of a certain passage within
Our Yom Kippur service as speaking directly to me—opened
My eyes to the realization that over these past few weeks
My brain, working as a rebalanced whole, has been
Chewing on, digesting and absorbing insight into
My need to ask the frightened little girl (within)
To forgive Annie, the adult, for having unknowingly
Judged 'her' innocence so harshly as to have condemned me of
Committing a specific sin, which deeper truth suggests
Had never been 'hers' or mine, at all
And now, having empowered my conscious think tank
With insight—born of this most recent train of thought—
I recognize my life long need to hold the child (within)
Close to my adult heart, exonerating 'her' innocence of
All sense of wrong doing while, at the same time
Forgiving my adult self for the close minded, judgmental
Self evaluation that compelled me to deny
The validity of my needs throughout most of my adult life
And with hopes of having resolved the depth of
That inner conflict, concerning trusting myself to
Differentiate between times when
A near and present danger is actually threatening my
Little corner of the world vs. those times when a rise in
Anxiety is actually alerting me to remember to consider
My needs as a significant part of the bigger picture without
Disrupting my peace of mind, and having clarified that thought
I can feel this current train of thought pulling into the station
Suggesting it's time to stop editing this post in favor o
Freeing my spirit to greet the first day of the rest of my life with
A lighter sense of inner joy bouncing around inside than
Had been possible before I'd thought to unpack the heavy burden of
This particular piece of baggage, which had blocked
My conscious mind of acknowledging my dim view of my self worth until
Clarity came crystal clear while editing this post, yet again, today ...
Whew!