The fog may veil that beautiful view on the horizon, but when it lifts— and it always lifts—you'll see the possibilities that fear, born of self imposed guilt, had obscured.
It doesn't matter how things were done before. When change enters the game, the situation is new and so is the game, Brainstorm solutions to fit this new situation.
Don't quit too easily or too soon. Keep brainstorming.
Getting to know a new person can feel as exciting as traveling to a new place (inside yourself).
1981
When our second home, the first we'd built from the ground up, was move-in ready, I decided to look for a hair stylist in our new neighborhood. After all, I was teaching, writing and raising a trio of busy young boys, aged 12, 10 and 5, so being super mom, chief cook, bottle washer and chauffeur, I spent so many hours carpooling to three schools as well as running my three, here and there, 365 days a year, that my time behind the wheel was seriously in need of minimizing. Fortunately, I spied a salon in the same strip mall as the Safeway, which was just down the street from our brand new abode.
Dino, who at 25 and single, was the owner of the salon. How did such a young man achieve that feat? He was born into an extended family dynasty of hairdressers of Italian descent. BTW, when I asked for permission to write his story, Dino said sure, as long as I was clear about his being straight. No worries, Dino ... I'll be sure to introduce you to my readers as the Italian stallion you know yourself to be. Anywho, at that time, Dino, who drove a hot car and went for fast women in tight sweaters and short skirts, fell hard for a sultry, curvaceous, eighteen year old chick, who was impressed with his passionate nature, macho swagger and ease spending a buck. Five years later, they were parents of a beautiful, bright-eyed baby boy. Five years after that, Will and I smiled while watching five year old Dino, all decked out in a tux, walking down the aisle as ring bearer at his parents' wedding. Five years later, when young Dino turned ten, he was truly a devoted brother, helping his parents tend to a pair of identical, bright-eyed, twin boys, who being infants, were literally in need of loving attention, 24/7.
By the time Dino, the younger, had grown to be an eighteen year old community college freshman, his parents had split, and though he truly did not want to leave his little brothers, his sanity could no longer abide wine-soaked slurs, flung hurtfully, day in and day out, in utter disrespect of his character traits ... on the other hand, his love for his brothers caused inner conflict that ran deep when he found it nearly impossible to abandon two little boys to grow up in such a hostile environment without the consistency of his protective affection. So, no matter how often Dino raged, within, at hearing himself called a worthless bum, who would amount to nothing, just like his no good, son-of-bitch father (who, may I remind you, moved into his parents' home to ensure that his wife and three sons did not have to move out of theirs), Dino, the younger, would visit with me in hopes of brainstorming how best to role model character traits that would inspire the twins' bright, young brains to absorb their brother's positively focused attitude (rather than their mother's) as their own ... And life went on until the proverbial last straw pushed young Dino's mind to the edge of a cliff, suggesting that he had need to calm his rage and save his sanity by choosing to live with his grandparents along with Dino, the elder, and an unmarried uncle, as well.
You see, rather than renting an apartment, Dino, the dad, had moved in with his elderly parents, so his wife, eldest son and 8 year old twins could live, undisrupted, in their family home. And in case you're curiosity has been aroused, concerning the last straw that drove Dino, the lad, to the brink of despair ... Well ...
Soon after Dino senior ('the no good bum', who'd continued to pay the mortgage as well as whatever his sons might need) moved out of his house, the charade, which fooled no one, began to emerge when 'the boyfriend', who had been introduced as a platonic friend, slid into the guest room where he slept on a blow up bed until three brothers were thought to have fallen asleep, in their bedrooms, upstairs, and as this nightly sham deprived young Dino's mind from dozing off, he lay tensely awake in his bed, seeing red, until feeling sleep deprived, he began to sleep on a friend's living room couch in order to stop his head from exploding or imploding, night after night, and as one change leads to another, the boy friend moved upstairs, usurping ownership over the eighteen year old's empty bed until the twins fell asleep, and he got the all clear.
Though this string of infuriating changes made Dino's blood boil, my young college friend chose to return home, early each morning, to nurture his brothers before driving them to school, after which he attended to his own studies at the college, followed by his part time job, working with kids, who attended a private grammar school. Then the day dawned when Dino, the younger, could not participate in the charade for one more second, so after the 'grown ups' (?) left for work, Dino managed to move his mattress into one of the twin's closet, where none thought to look, and that's where it remained hidden until he borrowed a truck to transport his mattress to the apartment of his friend when he knew that the 'grown ups'(?) would not be around.
And life went on until such time as young Dino, feeling hopeless, helpless, homeless could not get his brain to untense enough to focus on absorbing his studies, and as his angst climbed to new heights of anxiety, driven by repressed fury, as never before, he and I brainstormed with his father, who, upon listening to the desperation of his eldest son's plight, which had driven young Dino, the no good bum, who would amount to nothing, just like his piece of sh-t father (who, though no angel, has consistently proved as far from a dead beat dad as a working man, devoted to his sons, could possibly be) offered Dino, the elder, insight into the fact that the sanity of this fine young man was hanging at the very end of his rope by a thread. At that point, Dino, the younger, saved himself from insanity by moving in with his grandparents, who, God love them, took in everyone, one by one.
As the removal of the mattress had served as the very last straw, causing open warfare to erupt between mother and eldest son, the charade came undone when 'platonic' boyfriend began to sleep openly with Mom in elder Dino's king sized bed, and life went on as it is wont to do ... until a bank foreclosure repossessed the house, as had become commonplace when the economy tanked, at which time the 'family' had to move; and By the time their parents' divorce became final, the cutest twins, ever, had continued to grow until they, like their older brother, left childhood behind, and by the time the pair turned thirteen, the same wine soaked insults (which had caused Dino, the lad, to save the last shreds of his sanity by seeking safe haven, elsewhere), slammed head first into the twins' self esteem, day in and day out, until two pairs of sparkling brown eyes grew dull as mud, and as the repetitive refrain of their homelife felt so emotionally chaotic as to close in on crazy, again, the resilience of two youthful spirits drooped until, notch by notch, good grades dropped till notches added up to that which was seen as a whole lot of failure heaped upon the heads of two utterly confounded, stressed to the max, deeply depressed teen-aged brains. And since insanity (which their mother had experienced as a child) is defined as repeating the same mistakes while expecting a different result, let's back up a few years in order to shine the light of insight upon an earlier time in our story, when the twins were three and ...
Young Dino, a bright lad of thirteen, came to brainstorm with me, along with his mom and dad for the very first time. As personal experience had already offered me insight into how much we'd all benefit from learning about denial's effects on family dysfunction, I felt eager to embrace all three in a brand new capacity that proved much more intimate than going to dinner, breaking open a bottle of wine and enjoying a good time, as we'd done in years past. Though Dino the dad and Dino the lad returned to brainstorm many times, Mom, who, steeped deep in denial, believed herself not in need of help, did not. BTW, all three were made aware of the fact that though I was certified at the community college to teach skillful family communications and crises management, a professionally trained psychologist I most certainly was not.
If you asked what inspired father, son and me to achieve an enduring sense of united teamwork, I'd reply: Over the years, we three worked, consistently, to develop a mutually enriching, respectful sense of positively focused trust, suggesting that no one needed to attain perfection for our love to listen with thoroughness to that which each other had need to say, so when I'd impart information that made sense to father and son, both brains began to operate on a wave length that deepened the bonds of love, friendship and self discipline that proves necessary for any proactive plan to meet with success, and over the long run, in the absence of guilt-ridden defensiveness, we each made such good use of our noodles as to create simple plans of action that concentrated our energy to create simple plans of action that strengthened every clear-minded brain's connection to sanity
Upon turning 16, young Dino (who, at 25, has taken the love of his life, a student soon to graduate with a degree in nursing, as his bride), began to drive to my house on his own. Ever since the twins' relationship with their mom went south, their father or brother has brought them to brainstorm toward clarity with me..
Over these past two years, Dino, the dad, who is now in his fifties, has expressed flabbergasted shock at the fact that Mom's attitude has become as negatively hurtful, actually harmful to the twins' self esteem as had been true of their older brother during his teen-aged years. As kids commnly feel as though they're being driven crazy when a parent can't remember slinging sharply abusive words and actions around once the inebriated tongue awakens and takes refuge in Denial land, day in and dencourage this trio of brothers to hold onto clarity while listening to denial.
When a parent, acts out and then reacts defensively, 24/7, home is not a safe haven in which a child can study in peace. When the young mind is as restlessly stressed as the heart and spirit feel emotionally abandoned and depressed, deeper truth suggests that listening before brainstorming toward change for the better must lift the curtain on the mental fog that numbs the fury, repressed within the twins' subconscious in hopes that their bright, young minds can regain a sense of trust in the fact that an adult, whose hold on objective clarity will free their downtrodden souls of futility, thus offering dark clouds, concerning their future, reason to lighten up rather than watching passively as they worry over negative energy, coiling up, engulfing them until some last straw ignites an explosive reaction as self destructive as a volcanic eruption that regurgitates burning lava all over itself as life grows more unbearable with each passing year ... Been there, seen that while brainstorming with Dino, the lad.
And now that this brief summary, which spans 34 years of my friendship with Dino, the dad, and his trio of beloveds sons, has brought us up to date, please picture two clean-cut teens, walking into my house, eyes glazed over with as much misery as I'd noted to be true of Dino, the lad, who'd saved his spirit from sinking in quicksand by choosing to move in with his dad. As pills have exacerbated the original problem of the parent, whose unquenchable thirst for wine numbs her mind, life, which gets better or worse but does not stay the same, has been barreling straight down hill for the twins , even though Mom and boyfriend have recently tied the knot.
I mean seriously, clarity into deeper truth suggests that change, over these past two years, has done nothing to improve the negatively focused, bullying attitudes, which consistently put two deeply confounded teens down. And now, having zoomed back and forth across the timeline, allowing me to paint a bare bones picture of the twins' back story, you can expect a summary of the solution-seeking, brainstorming session, which served to unlock the door in the emotional wall that prohibited my young friends from clarifying the depth of their despair to their father, whose love for his trio of sons runs as deep as does my love for my own. And since today's train of thought has pulled into the station, we'll resume the next leg of what proves to be the twins' resilient adventure with life, as they've come to know it, when next we meet ...
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