2015
Upon awakening this morning, insight suggested that, over these past two days, my sense of joy has not been as pure as I'd thought at first glance. So, once more I have reason to say that my first thought was not my best thought, here's why that's true:
I'm becoming increasingly aware of how often strings of insight, which deepen my understanding concerning both sides of human nature, have been emeging from dark pockets of my subconscious. And as these insights offer answers to questions, which have confounded me for years, I'm beginning to understand why personal strengths, which I've worked to develop, may threaten an insecure person's sense of personal safety.
Though I've worked to accept the impossibility of penetrating any subconscious wall of denial other than my own, it's possible that those, whose sense of safety is based in denial, may fear the intensity with which I persist in penetrating my own. Perhaps, the depth of clarity that I seek scares the heck out of a person who proves less secure than he or she wants to believe.
And having expressed this train of thought, which, upon awakening, today, chugged out of my mind as though all on its own, let's check out the post that I wrote, yesterday, but chose to save in drafts, because my spirit felt too joyful to dive into the deep end of my mind, where insight into subconscious fear remains hidden from conscious awareness until readiness to take another step into the great unknown challenges me to muster the courage that proves necessary as my quest toward personal growth climbs up the ladder of self confidence, rung by rung:
Oh my gosh!
Looks like 'sleeping on it' worked its magic, again!
I say that for this reason: Upon awakening this morning, the string of insights, written above, illuminated 'the missing insight', which just popped out of my mind and—here it comes:
Deeper truth suggests that the same person, who demonstrates a subconscious need to punish me for not bowing in submission to their opinion, has historically looked to me for guidance—abd that insight suggests this scientifically proven fact: *Human nature is fated to be self-contradictory in that every human brain is made up of two sides: one of which proves as openly courageous as the other proves fearfully (defensively) closed minded.
It's the closed minded side of our brains that blinds us to personal traits that cause us to shoot ourselves in the foot, repeatedly. The fact that another person's fragile sense of personal safety has need to control my opinions does not pose as a threat to me. What frightend me is my fear of finding myself standing all alone, left out in the cold, as had proved true more than once when I was a child, deeply confounded by emotional complexity that divided family into opposing camps ... and having clarified the fact that I am no longer that deeply confused, highly vulnerable, lonely child, I'll bet you know where today's train of thought is about to lead us, next—*Each time I muster the courage to penetrate another layer in MY wall of denial in order to know the sum of my vulnerabilities and strengths more deeply than before, the self confident adult I've grown to be has nothing to fear but fear, itself. And here's why that's true, right now: Each time readiness propels my sense of courage to overcome fear—based in yesteryear's failure—both sides of my brain take a leap of faith forward into the great unknown. And in hopes of inoculating the fearful side of my mind against succumbing to foolish (egocentric) behaviour, I pay mind to those times when intuition instructs my intelligence to give itself a strong shot of self control.
At this point in my growth process, I need to remember that a person, who has historically looked to me for leadership, is not someone my self confident leadership has need to fear, and here's why that's true: Common sense suggests that a person, whose insecurity has had need to put me down, feels much more confused about our relationship than do I. And upon reflection, today's string of insights offers my intellligence the clarity to see how this person has, ever since childhood, demonstrated defensive reactions whenever our opinions have not matched.
Each time I remember to dive deep enough into my think tank in hopes of revealing another gift of insight, which bolsters my attitude of self respect, the positively focused side of my nature stops the fearful side of my mind from tackling my intelligence to the mat.
With a sigh of relief, I'm actually feeling bright sparks of positive focus pulsing through my mind, causing my imagination to crackle with rekindled, heartfelt sensations of hope as I write ... suggesting that today's series of insights will surely ignite a host of others which, over time, will lead me and those I love into the promised land—two steps forward, one step back. And while working to achieve this worthwhile, long range goal, culminating in the creation of extended family harmony, you'll watch me remind myself, repeatedly, to consciously appreciate every aspect of my life that suggests my being a lucky duck. And in conclusion for today, let's say: Amen to penning a mentally strengthening train of thought that proves as spiritually enlightening as that!
As for now, it's time to click publish, place my iPad aside, arise and groom myself in time to assemble with dearly loved cousins, as we plan to surprise one of us with a party in celebration of her fortieth birthday—impossible as that seems, because if this young cousin is forty—how old does that make me??? Ooph—how the truth does hurt!
PS
Returned from my cousin's surprise party with this fabulous news:
She, who is the loving mother of two little boys, is expecting a little girl!
No worry of drought in the desert, this year!
Our family is raining babies!
Woo-hoo! :)
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