Monday, May 6, 2013

688 RERUN WHILE THROBBING IS CALMING :)

POST 378  IMAGINE LUCY RICARDO ON WALDEN POND :)

In recent years
I've had reason to re-evaluate my traits:
Traits, which serve me well, propel me to achieve certain goals
Traits based in fear of disappointing myself by/or letting others down
Narrow my scope thus limiting choices, which a narrow scope can't see
Though none want to see self as narrow minded
That's true of us all in some regard or another
With growth in self awareness in terms of how much I've taken on
I can more readily see how over extension of my strengths
Causes hot spots of mental stress
Concerning all that I believe needs doing, tomorrow ...
To the point that my brain naturally layers up defensive walls, today

In lieu of self awareness, these walls block reality out of sight
Once reality is blocked, I am free to tell myself untruths
Which may offer me a false sense of peace of mind, concerning
All I feel the need to do ... until
I've taken on so much that defensive walls swell and begin to crack
And once I take the time to peek more deeply inside this crack or that
This is what I know is true:
My spirit's quest for clarity into reality persists for sound reason
Clarity suggests my brain is like a closet in need of cleaning out :)
In short, I may need to review how much good I do vs
How far I push myself into over drive
Doing for others that which they can do for themselves
In short, have I grown so responsible
That others do not develop the need to step up to the plate, themselves?

While mind bending values, absorbed during childhood
Kept my mind engaged in a Lucy-like maze
I'd nursed this false belief:
Upon empowering myself
With talking and listening skills
I was capable of encouraging others to dismantle
Their defensive walls and improve their lives as I did mine
And in this way did I believe myself
Instrumental in enticing those I loved
To embrace the concept of clarity, just like me!
Though that belief may prove true
When pouring my experiences into open minds
All I can say, today, about pouring trains of thought containing
Box cars filled with common sense into minds not yet ready to open is ...
Ha!  And good luck to thee!

You know the drill:
Teacher is unintelligible till student is ready :)
Knock on closed mind is like hammer cold iron
Enough paraphrasing, on to 'the myth of movement' ...

Recently I've had reason to learn about 'the myth of movement'
Which suggests that I'd believed each member of my extended family
Had been striding in a positive direction when
In truth, I was watching gerbils, running on wheels in cages
With time, I had reason to recognize the folly of my belief
You see, as long as I believed certain folk were moving forward
I was as stuck in that maze, blind to reality, as were they
Once I faced up to my own reality test
An expanded set of facts clarified inside my mind
And as these facts marched out of my memory bank
One by one and stood at attention in an orderly line
I came to see that my brain had been fooling me
In the same way that the brain's defense system
Is programmed to fool us all
In short, I'd believed to know where all of us were heading
Until, clarity proved that ...
*Every brain (including mine)
Finds its way out of some paper bags but not others
In other words, we each wear lots of hats
And if, years ago, I'd amassed a wealth of knowledge
That encouraged me to assume the hat of extended family leader
And if I'd carried that mantle so gracefully for so long
That no one recognized the truth of how that came to be my role
Then as chief and leader, I was the first who had to need to
Identify changes in need of making, right now ...
And as we can't change anyone but ourselves ...
Guess who had to recognize where I had need to change, first???

Fortunately, over these past several years
Diving for insight guides me to lift my paper bag
And place goggles over my wide open eyes, concerning
One aspect of life after another, and
While looking inside, I tend to see trains of thought
That prove to be all wet
Each time my baggage swims into view like a school of googly-eyed fish
Staring back at me more clearly than had ever been true before
My view of situations, which my defense mechanisms had stuck behind walls
Emerges from the deep end of my mind, and as my view clears
I can see which situations have grown beyond my control
For example here is one dark blind spot that's finally clear as day, today:
am empowered to share insight with only those
Who consciously choose to muster the courage to
Hear me out after they've worked to dismantle their layered defensive wall
As for me, I need to calm my frustration, knowing that
Others can't hear me till they've learned how to place
Their fear of failure in a time out chair ... And not until then
Will the 'student' be freely ready to lend the 'teacher' a truly open ear

Apparently, certain truths are so potent ... too hot to handle
As to cause many to close their eyes, ears and minds to
Reconsider the narrow scope of personal perceptions, which
May, upon deeper consideration
Be based in fear and thus prove to be misperceptions
In other words
Each time I watch a person's defense mechanisms
Protecting his or her ego from suffering humiliation
I feel compassion rising above my frustration for this reason:
Experience has taught me that we who have not learned
To sit our egos in a time out chair
Cannot embrace humility while solution seeking is underway
And an ego that cannot embrace humility will, one day, be eating crow
Bottom line:
It's hard enough work to recognize my defense mechanisms fooling me
And thus, in hopes of taking down my defensive walls
It's vital that I face the impossibility of forcing another person's
Closed mindset
To recognize defensive walls of their own—unless
And this brings us back to—trust ...
Unless I notice a person's sense of self trust, growing to match my own

You see, we do not fear strengths, which we openly admire
*We fear strengths that cause us to sense vulnerabilities within ourselves
When we fear our own vulnerabilities
Blindness is preferred over clarity
And thus does any show of force catalyze the defense system
To push away and slam the door against a strength, such as Clarity
Which frees the spirit to embrace an expanding sense
Of bending rules in hopes of actually living life to the fullest
As fearing one strength or another proves true of all people to some extent
My mind has worked to absorb enough common sense
To let others 'off the hook'
When I realize that their sense of false safety is still
In need of remaining blind to the bigger picture

If at this point you ask
Annie, how do you minimize your frustration
While working, step by step to encourage a frightened person
To expand their belief system's comfort zone
I'd reply:
In order to minimize my frustration, I keep this hope in mind:
If, adopt a positively focused, patient, wait-and-see attitude
While working peaceably to expand my sense of clarity
Then my sixth sense may be more likely to envision
Where fate, coupled with readiness and free choice
May take each member of our extended family, next ...
And if, with time, my peaceful sense of self trust
Serves to calm certain aspects of anxiety down, all around
Then perhaps boiling points within several pots and pans will relax
And as a whole, we'll find ourselves
Stewing over less, solving more, developing into a melting pot, at last :)

When asked why I believe a kitchen full of boiling pots and pans
Can develop into a melting pot
I'll smile and reply ...
History repeats itself ... and
This has not only proved true for my extended family, again and again
But this plan continues to prove fertile for friends, family as well as
For thousands of class participants
Over the past thirty five years, so 'clearly'
Hindsight is offering me a 'clear' view of history
And all I have left to say about that is ... a hearty
Amen!!  :)


As this proved to be a really long post, you might want to take a break, right here :)

Each time my sense of clarity deepens
I see how sharing my perceptions of reality
May heighten the fears of those whose safety depends upon denial
Upon realizing that my perceptions pushes certain others
More deeply into denial, clarity suggested that
I stop knocking my head against defensive walls
Which are not my own
In truth, this tactic offers me more time and energy
To dive deep enough to identify and take down more of my own :)

In short, if my view of reality threatens
The tenuous nature of another person's inner peace
Then spikes of anxiety call upon defensiveness to double up, thus
Turning two deaf ears against whatever I feel the need to say
And as pounding common sense into two deaf ears
Feels like boxing a person on both sides of the head
Frustrations heightens all around
And so, you can see why, as mentioned in previous posts ...
I've begun to refer to common sense as uncommon sense
Because when looking into oneself, common sense proves rare, indeed

Seriously, insights, such as these
Inspire me to change my expectations and behaviors
In hopes of maximizing tomorrow's success by
Minimizing as much in the way of fear and frustration as possible, today
And so, though I enjoy the contest of debating with open minds
I'll not expend energy, wastefully by
Speaking my mind to deaf ears, repeatedly
Instead, of inviting frustration to heighten, on all sides
I look forward to 'telling' you stories
Which highlight my experiences via these posts
Figuring that whomsoever is freely choosing to read them
May glean whatever insights pertain to their lives

Each time I spent time
Pondering upon deeper truths
One insight lights up, repeatedly:
Vulnerability's defensive recourse has need to put my strengths down, time and again
Finally, the defensive wall won, because all of my strengths wore out
This surprising event offered me a powerful insight that I could not deny:
I had need to change my attitude for this reason:
Attitude dictates which actions we choose to take
So, before behavior changes for the better, guess what must change first?
Yup!
Attitude ... my attitude, to be exact! :)
Why my attitude, first?
Because I am the leader :)
As attitude is everything, that makes me ask:
Can a dilemma, concerning leadership, get more classic than this?
With clarity, my remaining ensnared within the heart of the dilemma was over for me
That does not mean the original set of problems were solved
What this post is suggesting is that I came to understand
How I'd contributed to a set of problems growing more convoluted, over the years ...

Once I'd offered my exhausted mind an extended time out
A self-imposed, much needed rest from
Confusion, inner conflict, frustration and stress
Offered my wearied spirit a peaceful place to revitalize, where
I came to see that after having expended every last drop of my energy
I'd succeeded in digging a hole for myself as deep as the holes
I'd been trying to help my loved ones climb out from
Today, I open my mind to thank total exhaustion for
Catalyzing my brain to question youthful lessons
Which, deeper truth suggests make less sense
Than I'd been taught to believe
And thus in hindsight, I came to see exhaustion as the silver lining
That offered my mind a way out of that which has been
And unending maze
And with clarity, into myself, I begin to reconnect with instincts at my core
Which highlighted a fork in the road, less taken by me
And upon marching to my own drummer
I began to develop the good sense
To tune out friendships
Which had proved painfully judgmental
At times when I'd been the one who had proved most in need of
Open minded, compassionate, thus supportive trains of thought
From those who'd depended upon my strengths to serve their needs
What a convoluted web we mortals weave ... or something like that :)

In short, I quietly but not passively shoo away
Narrow-mindedness in friends, who had, blindly
Proved to be birds of prey ... hovering, unknowingly, in wait
For my strengths to exhaust ... which they did, twice
And as three strikes and you're out ...
Quoth the raven ...
Nevermore!

If you ask:
Annie, what do you do when others act as messenger
Introducing painful Truths to you?
Here is my reply—which
Though you've heard this, time and again
I'll repeat for good measure :
Rather than allowing my defenses to kill the messenger
I feel Socrates, sitting on my shoulder
Next to Jiminy
And following their lead
I choose to sit my wooden headed ego down in a time out chair
And fortify my mind to listen with an open ear for this reason:
If I hope to 'know myself'
Thus deepening my connection to reality as I age
I may be in need of opening a closed section of my mind
In hopes of reconsidering my blind acceptance of out dated beliefs
And here is why this path of self discovery
Leads me toward unveiling raw wounds, still in need of healing:
Paradigms absorbed during youth are often in serious need of review ...

Once upon a time, a fearless leader could not shake a sore throat
Two of the most renown physicians of the day were consulted
Both were advocates of blood letting ...
Which had been thought to rid the body of evil humors
Which travel through the blood stream
However, when the cure kills the patient
Tis past time to seek out a new train of thought
Unfortunately, new trains of thought came too late
To cure our fearless leader's sore throat
And thus did two fine physicians
Draw blood until their patient
Succumbed to a paradigm in dire need of change
And as a result, George Washington bled to death
Suggesting that the stories I choose to relate are true :)

A good time to take a break :)

Day by day
Post by post
One train of thought leads to another in the same way that
One insight leads to the next
And as one changing paradigm leads to more
My brain carves out a path
Whereby I re-evaluate half baked thoughts left over from childhood
When I believed I understood that which was taking place in my life and
Why this led to that ... when, honestly, I had no clue
Of how many of my beliefs, concerning myself, were untrue ...

And if asked to pin point the main reason that keeps me focused
Upon consciously choosing to walk this path
No matter how many others may misjudge my motivations
I'd reply:
I hope that each time another half baked strength
Is identified and placed back into the oven
I'll create another thought-processing soufflé
Which will not collapse
When fate tosses tomorrow's dark surprises my way

Today
My inner strengths
Prove to be no flash in the pan

Today
Insight
Deepens and transforms my definition (paradigm) of friendship

Today
It takes a lot
To unnerve me

Today
I appreciate the length and breadth of my strides toward self trust
For this reason:

Each time I by pass fear
And reconnect trustfully to instincts at my core
I develop positive attitudes
Concerning how to take better care of my needs
And while patiently developing new attitudes
Which expand my perceptions about love, trust, and respect
With concern for the welfare of family, friends, colleagues and strangers, as well
I sincerely believe this work is well worth my time and energy—
And as long as I remember to take time out to smell the roses
Instead of feeling thorny while knocking myself out
To live up to a paradigm of perfection that I'd set in place for myself

Today
I believe old dogs can learn new tricks
Once courage works at taking down defensive walls

Today
Chatty Cathy continues to work optimistically
In a brand new quiet, patient and tranquil (no teeth gnashing) emotional environment

Today
I hope to quietly, trustfully inspire more good folk
To choose to open up to reality over denial

Today
I hope to encourage others to recognize when fear
Makes us look down in the mouth at those whose opinions differ from our own

Guess what happens to one who remains blind to an attitude of
You're either with me or against me! ???

Unfortunately, this person has no clue
That divisiveness invites birds of prey to chase the blue bird of happiness away

Though stories tend to emerge more slowly than I'd like
You'll watch me choose to work, side by side
With minds open to carving out avenues
Where out-dated paradigms are reconsidered
Defensive walls are consciously dismantled, layer by layer
And new foundations of friendship are fortified with self respecting views
Which build new conceived, mutually respectful, expansive bonds of trust

Upon establishing a 'blendship' of both sides of my mind
(Fear based and self trusting)
My new sense of balance knows this for a fact:
Working to restore the good health of my extended family
Continues to be worth my time and effort—
As long as my main focus is directed at change necessary within me
And in that vital way is my work different now than before

Break?  :)

As you watch me choose to redirect my path
In hopes of leaving my connection to Denialand in the past
You'll see my mind sift through its wealth of accumulated knowledge
While working to place my feelings of
Disappointed, disillusioned, distrust and betrayal
In a time out chair
In order to approach the future with clarity, hope and
Three step plans intact :)

If you agree with any part of today's lengthy train of thought
I hope you'll muster the patience
To ride side kick through each philosophical post
That pops out of my mind for this reason ...
Though many may seem to repeat the same refrain
The reason for that is two fold—
New insights emerge while reviewing that which has grown familiar
And creating lasting change in extended family life takes tons of hard work!

Each time a familiar insight reappears in post after post
My subconscious is sending a signal to warn me
That inner conflict is once again, foiling my strengths
And thus, post by post, you'll watch my brain work
To absorb some Deeper Truth more wholly than ever before
As I see it, here's my choice:
I can absorb deeper truths into my core
Or stay stuck in the tunnel that runs around the same tired track
Which gets me no place that common sense longs to go—clickety clack

Though leopards do not change their spots
I am not a leopard ... I am a 'people-person'
And as a person whose mind has been trained
To track trains of solution-seeking insights
Here is a truth that I believe whole-heartedly
(If that's an oxymoron—so be it :)

It's never too late to take your mind by the hand
And coax it to approach a fork in the road
Where a bright new, positively focused paradigm
Awaits to help you to dismantle defensive walls
Thus welcoming you, peaceably, clearly and wholly, more deeply into your core

As each day is the first day of the rest of your life and mine
Here is my hope:
Person by person
We may be enticed to remove our own paper bags by conscious choice
Thus may our numbers increase as we walk, more united than ever before ...
Upon an expansive path
Which leaves the dark, dizzying maze of Denialand
Which I tend to believe is the main cause of divorce, behind ...

And as today's extensive train of thought
Seems ready to pull into a station, at last
I'll leave you with two questions
To ponder more deeply, today, than ever before:
Can you see my spirit smiling at you from my core?
Do you feel the warmth of my hand reaching out, sincerely, for yours
In hopes that a circle of peace of mind expands?

PS
As my stories unfold ...
Slow as that progress may prove to be
You'll see why my family
Sees me as Lucy
In fact, one of my holiday gifts was
An 'I Love Lucy Doll'
A fitting addition to my small doll collection, for sure!
Perhaps, one day, I'll open a box
And delight to find—Snow White ...
Or even—Eve
If you ask me why I'd love to add that pair of apple-eaters to my collection
I'll reply:  Well—
Being that my quest to know myself seeks to understand
Classic mysteries concerning love and life ...
We'll just have to wait for stories to unfold
That explain how that pair of dolls relates to me ... won't we?
Your friend,
:) Lucy aka Annie

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