HOLY MOLY! END FIRST KISS Part 11, ACCIDENTALLY DELETED, HAS SOMEHOW REAPPEARED!

And here it is—
END FIRST KISS Part 11, which
Evidently, had not been deleted as
I’d thought, several weeks back, because
It has reappeared in drafts in such
A timely fashion that I could barely
Believe my own eyes!
So, okay, here goes— 


As time goes by
Facts may jumble up inside our heads like
Jelly beans on a trampoline
And once facts have leaped from
Here to there, guess what layers up?
Mythology, and once
Mythology makes mincemeat of facts
Few may recall how much
The truth matters to peace of mind for
One and all

Paraphrasing Wikipedia:
Sullivan’s Show of Shows
Was    the first show that
Televised The King on national TV

Whoops!  Glancing back at
The previous statement
One word is missing, which
In its absence, transforms
Truth into fiction—so
Before moving forward
Let’s each take a moment to plug that
Missing puzzle piece into its
Proper place so as NOT to associate
Ourselves with those accused of
Confusing truth with myth
Ah!  That feels better!

Quoting Wikipedia:
“Elvis mythology states that Sullivan censored Presley by only shooting him from the waist up. Sullivan may have (inadvertently) helped create the myth when he told TV Guide, ‘as for his gyrations, the whole thing can be controlled with camera shots.’ In truth Presley's whole body was shown in the first and second shows.”

While considering the statement directly above
I came to see that, eventually
My brain sure did fool me!
Though I’d watched Elvis perform on Ed’s
Show of Shows with my own eyes
Over time, my memory
Bought into the myth, which stated that
TV cameras had been focused above his waist

And thus have I just illustrated
Two sound reasons to suggest why
Your intuitive inner spy may be
As inclined as mine to feel need to
Dive into the deep end of your mind from
Time to time so as to spotlight
Missing puzzle pieces, which
Upon being released from subconscious
Storage, may fare thee well upon being
Plugged back into the true story of
Your life so as to expand the bigger picture of
Your self image in ways that naturally
Brighten a portion of your self worth, which
Had darkened when you were too young to
Think clearly and objectively for
Yourself about yourself

Upon reflecting over today’s
Train of thought
We can see how easily
Fact transforms into fiction with
The elimination of
One ‘not’ so insignificant word

At this point, if you might like to state that
Neither of those mythological beliefs
Matter, today; I’d agree with this caveat—
What does matter as time marches on is
The attitude that we choose to employ upon
Becoming aware of the FACT that
Our best character traits are being
Slandered by a person within our circle of
Family and friends whose narrow minded
Egocentric (subconscious) focus has
Perceived that he or she has something to gain
By turning a blind eye to participating in
Gossip that causes us pain
Just ask Simba—he knows of what I speak

The fact that my finest character traits
Had been slandered by a person, whom
I’d been unaware was my frenemy
Aroused my adult defense system to stimulate
My self respect to grow so hot as to
Meltdown a portion of my wall of denial, thus
Jumpstarting the development of
The self assertive portion of my voice, which 
Had retreated ever more deeply into
A subconsciously submissive state of
Arrested development when a series of
Traumatic experiences had served to flatline
My spirit’s independent ‘sense of self’
Beginning at the highly vulnerable age of three ...

ONE LAST STRING OF INSIGHT LADEN THOUGHTS SPOTLIGHTING WHY EPISODES OF PTSD EMERGE FROM MY DARK SIDE TO BROW BEAT MY BRIGHT SIDE, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, REPEATEDLY

HERE IT COMES —ONE LAST TRAIN OF THOUGHT, DRIVEN BY MY POWER OF INTUITION TO DESCRIBE MY BRAIN’S PERSONAL PROGRESSION THROUGH THE PROCESS OF REGAINING MENTAL CLARITY ONCE EACH NEXT EPISODE OF PTSD HAS RUN ITS COURSE, FREEING MY SMARTS TO WORK CONSCIENTIOUSLY AT IDENTIFYING THE MOST RECENT TRIGGER WHICH HAD STIMULATED A DEEPLY REPRESSED UNPROCESSED FEAR BURIED ALIVE BEHIND MY DEFENSIVE WALL OF DENIAL DURING CHILDHOOD TO SUBCONSCIOUSLY ARISE AND BROW BEAT MY SELF WORTH INTO AN UNRECOGNIZABLE PULP AS THOROUGHLY AS IF MY GRANDMA HAD RISEN FRON HER GRAVE TO BROW BEAT HER DAUGHTER INTO ETERNAL SUBMISSION (THOUGH AS LONG AS THIS GHOST-LIKE AWARENESS REMAINS UNCONSCIOUS IN NATURE THE CONSCIOUS PORTION OF MY THOUGHT PROCESSOR WILL FEEL WORTHLESS WITHOUT SO MUCH AS AN INKLING OF A CLUE AS TO WHY THAT FEELING HAS ARISEN BEING THAT SPIKES OF LATENT ANXIETY STRIKE SO HIGH AS TO HIJACK MY PROCESSOR’S SMARTS INTO THE PAST WHERE A THREE YEAR OLD CHILD HAD NO CLUE OF HER BRAIN‘S DARK SIDE’S CAPACITY TO INTERNALIZE HER GRAMMA’S BULLYING NATURE SO AS TO HAVE TURNED GRAMMA’S WHIPLASHING TONGUE INWARD UPON MY IMPERFECTIONS, THUS AROUSING MY SUBCONSCIOUS NEED TO COCOON MY VULNERABILITIES AWAY FROM EVERY EYE THAT MIGHT STRIKE MY EXHAUSTED MENTAL POWERS DOWN AT TIMES WHEN I FEEL AS POWERLESS AS HAD BEEN TRUE AT THE AGE OF THREE, BECAUSE, EACH TIME MY PROCESSOR FEELS SUCKER PUNCHED BY EXHAUSTION, MY MENTAL STRENGTHS, ACQUIRED OVER MY LIFETIME, FEEL SUCKED, UNCONSCIOUSLY, INTO THE CLUTCHES OF YET ANOTHER EPISODE OF PTSD WHERE MY PROCESSOR HAS NO CONSCIOUS CLUE OF THIS FACT:  NO ONE CAN BULLY MY STATE OF EXHAUSTION INTO OVEREXTENSION SO AS TO SERVE MY LOVED ONES NEEDS AS MUCH AS MY DARK SIDE IS WONT TO DO EACH TIME MY SELF ASSERTIVE VOICE IS HIJACKED (AND THUS DISEMPOWERED BY UNIDENTIFIED FEAR OF GRAMMA’S BRUTAL TONGUE LASHING TURNING AWAY FROM BROWBEATING MY MOTHER TOWARD BEATING MY THREE YEAR OLD FLEDGLING SELF WORTH TO A PULP, LEAVING THE CONSCIOUS PORTION OF MY ADULT PROCESSOR FEELING AS HELPLESSLY BATTERED, WORTHLESS AND TRAUMATIZED AS HAD BEEN MY EXPERIENCE DURING THE LENGTHY, TERRIFYING, EMOTIONALLY DARK AND STORMY AFTERMATH OF JANET’S TRAGIC DEATH, WHICH LEFT MY ENTIRE FAMILY’S PERSONAL SAFETY SO DEEPLY TRAUMATIZED THAT NONE OF US WERE EVER THE SAME CAREFREE PEOPLE WHOM EACH OF US HAD BEEN BEFORE GRANDPA’S AND JANET’S SUDDEN DEMISES, SIX WEEKS APART, HAD SERVED TO SHATTER EVERYONE’S EMOTIONAL ENVIRONMENT—WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MY FATHER’S INNER STRENGTHS AT WHICH TIME MY DIRE NEED FOR PERSONAL SAFETY ENMESHED WITH HIS LOVE FOR ME (and not until this very moment had deeper truth consciously identified my processor’s awareness of this fact:  The self steadying nature of my inner strengths had become enmeshed with my dad’s inner strengths when I was three, and upon his death, something happened between my mom and me that triggered my first full blown attack of PTSD, which, before that devastating time (for Mom and me) had not yet been diagnosed)

I sure do hope that your processor is able to understand the complex nature of the awarenesses, which tunneled their way out of subconscious storage upon arising this morning, so as to filter, word by word, through my wall of denial into the conscious portion of my processor, today.

So, please bear with my intuitive powers speaking
Aloud (to me) for one more day before I freely
Release my storyteller’s voice, because I feel compelled to
Send this highly significant awareness into
Cyberspace concerning the role played by
Mental exhaustion in triggering my think tank to
Feel highly vulnerable to each eruptive episode of PTSD
At which time, my subconscious voice
Transforms into my gramma’s, which is silently empowered
To whip my human vulnerabilities into a pain-ridden pulp
With the same tongue lashing whip that
My mother’s mother had whipped her daughter’s
Self worth into servile submission just as I’d unknowingly
Whipped myself   Over my lifetime, my persona smiling
All the while until my smile wore so thin that it fell flat on
Its thoroughly exhausted face and faced inner need to seek
Solitude for weeks until my processor’s rested readiness to
Reclaim my lost sense of self worth (and peace of mind) has
Recovered its full charge o re-oxygenated energy, which
My pattern of thinking had drained dry subconsciously so
Many times over my lifetime as to have grown ever more
Anxious as I age, feeling subconscious need to whip
My tired self into overextending my capacity to meet
The needs of my loved ones or be of help, time and again
Thus masking my fear of feeling as worthless and thus
As alone and terror-struck as I’d felt at
The age of three when death indiscriminately had
Spirited away two deeply loved members of our family—
The eldest and youngest, neither of whom had appeared
I’ll in any way   ...

Recently when exhaustion feels stretched
Too far, overlong my mental strengths, acquired
And absorbed throughout my lifetime, flag at
Half mast so frequently as if to warn me to
Grow ever more consciously aware of
My processor slipping from light-hearted
Positively focused attitudes into the darkly defensive
Despairing (self despising) side of my mind where
Latent fears, concerning my lack of self worth remain
Secreted from my conscious mind, thus residing behind
My wall of denial until my tired think tank’s
Wide variety of deeply absorbed tools and skills
Become so wearied as to feel ever more vulnerable to
Succumbing to my persona’s collapse, freeing spikes of
Latent anxiety, preprogrammed to arouse
My basic instincts to usurp control over my mind’s eye
So if mental exhaustion is ignored for too long then
It’s highly likely that anxiety will heighten so as to
Overwhelm my positively focused bright side to such
An overwhelming degree as to narrow my
Overtaxed processor’s choices to exclude
Anything other than fight, flee or freeze once my need for
Rest conflicts with a loved one’s need of my help
And if inner conflict continues to heighten then spiking anxiety
Leaps over common sense as reflected by my history, which
Time and again—sees exhaustion disempowering
My processor’s connection to mental clarity concerning today’s
Realities, and as family fights had terrified my sense of
Personal safety into submission to the strong will of
Others, we can see why I’ve been known to choose
‘Flee from conflict, followed by freezing into a safe
Peacefu place’, far more often than fighting to regain
My Devine right to freely and yet, respectfully
Express my personal needs, openly and assertively
Whenever family expresses need of my help


Thanks to EMDR therapy, I’ve come to see that the origin of
My less than assertive decision-making process has been
Based in my having unconsciously subdued
The natural development of the self assertive portion of
My voice at the age of three at which time fights for
Dominance between my mother and gramma
Terrified me—half to death, repeatedly ...
And so, upon growing up, my defense system
Invented A Fixer to fix conflicts that were not mine so
As to blind me to how passively acquiescent
I’d become whenever more of my energy was
Needed by a loved one than I’d had left to give
(Once again, the multi-functioning nature of
The human brain’s highly complex defense system
Works in uniquely, yet classically mysterious ways)

Several weeks back, upon envisioning my Fixer
Leaping out of the stew pot (within my head) into
The hot tub at the resort in the coast, I wondered if
That vision was wishful thinking or my power of
Intuition encouraging the decisive nature of
M think tank to consciously choose to develop
A new course of action that would serve to
Calm the divisive state of surging emotional
Reactiveness that had habitually
Stimulated striking anxiety to spike so high as to
Hurl my mental connection to clarity over
The cliff where, once again, PTSD awaited within
A gorge to swallow my personal connection to
Emotional safety whole until the restoration of
My think tank’s rested, re-oxygenated energy felt
Able to consciously redirect my anxious state of
Mind to feel so quiet as to regain and retaiN
A rebalanced, realistic self-steadying view of
Whatever is definitely NOT within my realm of
Control to change for the better on my own ...

For the sake of clarity, let’s dismiss
Wishful thinking and go with
Intuitive self respectful encouragement since
Positive focus enables my brain, which (for
Months, had been spinning off its axis like
A top), had need to to cocoon within
A safe place so as to minimize outside
Stimulation in hopes of naturally slowing
My brain’s pace in solitude where disorder
Made sound use of desperately needed
Down time to refocus my smarts toward
Reclaiming a positive attitude that served to
Tame latent anxiety from continuing to
Run away with my think tank, which had
Been in dire need of relaxing for
Several months before I could reroute my
Fixer to convince my conflicted Decision maker
To consciously speak to my family about
My need to make lasting changes that will
Lead me toward wholly maintaining
Peace of mind whenever their
Needs conflict with my own  ...
You see—here is the most challenging
Insight concerning changing the direction of
A brain that’s unknowingly harbored
PTSD beginning at the vulnerable age of three —
The emergence of each episode, which
Overwhelms my thought processor’s smarts before
My think tank’s intelligence can hit the brakes
Takes place in direct relation to my depletion of
Energy running on fumes ... and each time
I’ve had to consciously become aware of my mind
Being sucked into my think tank’s self destructive
Wind tunnel (where inevitably, my self worth
Spirals, round and round, within yesteryear’s
Black hole at such a head spinning speed as
To have dizzied my brain’s connection to
Intelligence as if this current tornado spinning
Ever more furiously within my mind’s eye is
Much more than daunting—it’s as Terrifying
As leaving a three year old all alone within
The darkened shadows of a haunted house
Where Terrorizing ghosts fly around, shrieking 
As though to raise the dead—until
My well practiced power of intuition arises just
Enough to sense a glimmer of insight concerning
This fact, which my sixth sense then whispers into
My ear—history repeats itself, and once
You calm spiking anxiety down, it’s been
Your history to figure out yet another
Self conceived,  false impression of
Your lack of self worth, which scared you
Half to death when at the age of three, you’d
Felt powerless to stop your gramma from
Bullying her’child’ into submission by insulting
Your mother’s self worth until your mommy
Felt so brow beaten down as to take to her bed ...
And so when you can not meet your
Loved ones needs, you bully yourself until
Every last drop of your fixer’s energy
Experiences total collapse before your
Spirit can clearly see the cliff, yet again, dead ahead

So—once your brain is quiet, your think tank
Catches sight of clarity’s need to
Identify exhaustion as the first trigger that
Knocks out your processor’s connection to
Today’s reality concerning your intelligence
Having need to rise above your will’s
Stubborn streak to push past exhaustion until
Your smart heart is once again overwhelmed by
An attack of PTSD based in freeing your Fixer to
Say yes when inner conflict knows that your
Current depletion of energy longs to say NO!,p
Thus freeing your self respecting voice to state
With clarity intact, I can no longer do much
That l’d naturally enjoyed at a younger time in
My life without feeling as worthless as had felt true at
The age of three, when aid felt powerless to heal
My loved ones from pain too great to bear—
And so, today’s intuitive train of thought sees me
Choosing to make a significantly, self aware
Change for the better in that, as the future unfolds
I’ll not say yes to loved ones for fear that
Upon respectfully saying no, clarity, concerning
The on-going nature of my aging-process
Will not see me feeling so worthless
As to subconsciously stimulate
The negatively focused attitude that
Had belittled my self worth during
Childhood when I’d declared myself
Unworthy of receiving love unless I was
Actively engaged in successfully
Meeting my loved ones’  unmet needs ...

Needs, which were not mine to fulfill ...

MR CATERPILLAR—HOW DO YOU FEEL?

While cocooning on the coast
Here's what I wrote but did not
Publish till, today—

I wish I could ask the caterpillar
How it feels while cocooned for
This reason—up until just now
I’ve always assumed the little critter feels
Safe as long as its vulnerability remains
Unexposed, but what if it’s actually
Shaking in its boots, hammering away at
Its confines, having no conscious clue as to
What in tarnation will become of it once
This super messy stage of
Metamorphosis is complete

Today, I asked my processor:
Why, during each episode of PTSD, does
The mere thought of exposing my vulnerabilities to
Anyone feel so dangerous to me as to stimulate
Latent anxiety to spike, most especially since
I’ve worked courageously to consciously
Transform each episode of PTSD into PLTG
(Pain Leading To Gain)

Thanks to intuition, insight spotlighted
This reason, which makes sense:
During my childhood
I was taught to believe that
Feeling and exposing certain emotional vulnerabilities is
Such a shameful weakness as to arouse
My defense system to mask this emotional
Reaction or that one behind my persona, which
Under adult tutelage, had developed so
Unconsciously as to fool one and all into
Believing that all was well within me when
All was most certainly not—
And since, over time, my persona’s
Smiling reputation became highly acclaimed, near and far
Everyone had sound reason to mistakenly believe that
The persona they saw when looking at me was
The real me, through and through, and as
Everyone included myself, my preprogrammed
Defense system, knowing me to be an over achiever, called
Upon denial to build a wall inside my head behind which
Human vulnerabilities, which we’re taught to despise were
Secretly stacked, most especially any vulnerability that
Might expose the depths of my emotional distress, which
Remained intensely repressed behind my self protective
Persona for many a year—
And in addition to hiding the depths of
My own emotional distress, over this or that, from myself
My defensive wall of denial blocked
My conscious awareness from
Recalling certain details of memories by pushing
Those details, which had proved most painful of all, into
Storage containers that were stuffed ever more deeply into
The subconscious portion of my brain until
One current event or another served as a trigger for
This container or that one to fly open without warning, freeing
A deeply repressed unprocessed emotional reaction to
Filter through my wall of denial, flooding my lost sense of
Personal safety with such a spontaneous overproduction of
Adrenaline that no insight concerning which
Deeply secreted, specific detail repressed from
Conscious memory during childhood could be released, freeing
My adult think tank to process the original emotional reaction, which
Had felt so unbearable as to have stimulated my defense system to
Bury that detail as well as my natural reaction behind
My defensive wall of denial  alive, where both detail and reaction
Remained alive though repressed until some portion of ‘today’s’
Current event serves as a trigger that jiggers
The spring lock on my repressed, unprocessed reaction to
Unlatch, thus empowering a latent (unidentified)
Petrifying fear to escape captivity in its wildly
Alarming, still raw and thus overwhelmingly traumatized
Deeply painful state that overpowers my adult
Thought processor so swiftly as to suck myself back across
The time line of y life where today’s lightening quick shocking
Emotional reaction to yesteryear’s unprocessed terror
Lands my adult processor upon one of yesteryear’s still buried
Land mines, which proves so emotionally explosive as to
Feel as though my think tank’s wealth of
Acquired, deeply absorbed mental tools (having been
Blown to smithereens) are so shattered as to be gone
Causing my self worth to flood with anxiety, spiking
Every bit as high as had been true during
The totally devastating personal shattering of
My entire world when I was three ... and each time
Another traumatizing episode of PTSD is triggered to suck
My processor back into another aspect of
The unprocessed nature of the original, deeply
Harrowing, mind blowing experience (which had
Lasted for more than a year), my adult conscious
Awareness loses sight of every mental tool
(Inner strength) that I’ve sought to acquire, absorb
And store in an organized fashion within
My brain’s neo cortex, because each quick release of
Yesteryear’s trauma autonomically stimulates my brain’s
Instinctive survival emergency system (limbic system) to
Power up, disconnecting my neocortex, where knowledge is
Absorbed and stored, from thinking so as to free up only
Three choices of survival==flight, flight or freeze in place until
‘The danger’ kills me or I survive—and over my think tank’s
Adult life (no matter my current age) each sneak attack of
PTSD, stimulates my processor to feel as powerless to
Comprehend whatever has severed my smart heart from
Clarity concerning today’s reality, leaving
My nervous system openly vulnerable to
Falling through that trapdoor where yesteryear’s unprocessed
Trauma awaits in its buried alive, unidentified, raw and
Thus unhealed state of oxygen-deprived being where
Spiking strikes of latent anxiety leap out from behind
My defense system’s wall of denial, repeatedly—exactly as
Had happened when, at the age of three, my wholly terrified
Undeveloped processor's survival instinct saw me
Diving beneath a side table, where I'd curled up
Into a tensely tight little ball, again and again, until
Vein-popping fights, yelling for dominance concerning who
Was ‘always right and who was always wrong’
(each fight scaring my undeveloped processor half
Death) ensued between my strong willed
Maternal grandmother and
My mother, who was bullied into
Submission, repeatedly, being that every battle ended with
My gramma’s daughter fleeing for her bedroom, where
She’d take refuge from a lifetime of bullying by
Throwing her crying self across the bed, freeing
Her mother’s authoritarian attitude to continue to
Usurp the role of mistress of my mother’s and father’s
Home with such tongue lashing consistency that
Anything arousing those unprocessed memories
Makes adult me shiver as though yesteryear’s
Repressed tension still has need to release, today

Thank goodness, the ‘intuitive portion’ of
My brain came 'to see' the errors inherent within
My upbringing in time to raise my trio of sons to
Accept both sides of their emotional spectrum as
Naturally as does any small child, who grows to
adulthood without having been bullied and
Shamed at home into hiding natural emotional
Reactiveness from everyone, most especially
From is/her conscious self—repressing reactiveness
And consciously controlling reactiveness is
NOT one and the same—

Thank goodness, my power of intuition
Sought to seek to expand my knowledge concerning
Healthy family communications, which
Inspired my processor to absorb the importance of
Parental encouragement necessary to
Inspire the on-going development of
Both roots and wings (based in mutual respect) as
Each of my sons advanced from one stage of
Life toward the next until each had absorbed
The wealth of mental strengths necessary to
Feather his own nest—albeit with help, here and
There, being that no man, woman or child is an island

Since deeply repressed emotional tension
Based in unrelieved frustration conflicts with
Peace of mind, my subconscious absorption of
Unhealthy attitudes concerning
My self worth, during childhood, has been
In need of rewiring, over most of my life, and
Ever since that reality came clear to me by
Way of choosing to participate in wholesome
Sessions of EMDR therapy, I’ve been consciously
Rewiring my think tank in order to more readily
Free my intuitive powers to fire up isight-driven
Trains of thought that continue to expose
One self degrading mindset after
Another (secreted, unknowingly, within
My subconscious) to the conscious portion of
My mind, and thus have you watched my processor
Get sucked into each next triggered undertow of
PTSD until my mind quiets enough to turn the spotlight of
Insight upon a portion of my traumatized processor’s
Anxious need to acknowledge, accept and regain
A consciously fearless sense of self control over the entire
Spectrum of natural emotional reactions, which
Always had been rightfully mine to feel and explore if
I am to continue to experience a growing sense of
Peace of mind concerning my acceptance of those
Emotional reactions that I'd been taught to despise, whether
Those natural reactions be someone else's or mine
And thus have you (and I) been watching
My intuitive powers working to identify and
Uproot negatively focused, self conceived misperceptions
Concerning my own reactions as well as
The natural reactions of others concerning
Mixed messages about their self worth, which (having
Been subconsciously repressed behind their
Personas, which developed during childhood, are
Likely to burst forth, now and again, until
Our processors come face to face with this
Reality concerning both sides of human nature:
We are all mentally challenged (to differing
Degrees) to acknowledge (and then control)
A whole set of emotional reactions, which
Though proving natural to human beings in general
Each of us was taught to deplore and abhor, and now
Having recently begun to work toward rewiring
My Fixer to look in, I can begin to identify myself as
Becoming a peacemaker, who consciously readjusts
My mental focus primarily toward rekindling
My attitude of kindness (tough work, no doubt) whenever
My personal perceptions lean toward narrow minded
Judgments—most especially concerning
My personal shortcomings, and upon consciously
Choosing to switch tracks away from self abrasive
Attacks that belittle my self worth, today, hopefully
Insight driven trains of intuitive thought will continue to
Gift my smart heart with one of the most worthy
Long range personal goals that my intelligent spirit
Could ever hope to work faithfully to achieve, step by
Courageous step, during this fourth quadrant of
My circle of life, suggestive of my processor’s
Growing capacity to morph latent eruptions of
Childhood pain into mental gain in hopes of reducing
The subconscious undertow that has been empowered to
Bully my self respecting self esteem into feeling
So worthless as to bottom out—repeatedly

Horoscope (words of wisdom) whatever—
“You’ll never understand a subject quite so well as
You do when you teach it”

Thank goodness, I’ve taught the effects of self esteem upon
Family friendships for so many years that, over time
I’ve begun to learn to befriend—my whole self—
Shortcomings and all—in a wholesome fashion of thinking

And now, having entered this fourth quadrant of
The circle of life, my conscious decision to
Face up to (and regain control over)
Each newly unrepressed fear (like those which
Have recently boiled over my wall of denial just as
Would a saucepan filled to the brim with boiling stew)
I'll hopefully refocus my processor’s expansive
Capacity to consciously reroute my conscious awareness
Away from feeling shackled to childhood's self critical
Undeserved shame toward soothing my current state of
Mind with the kindness and patience my generosity of
Spirit would offer to a wounded friend on the mend, thus
Freeing my Neo cortex to work faithfully toward achieving
Each next level of this long range goal so that
Over time, I can more quickly regain conscious control over
Subconscious eruptions of emotional swells, which
Stimulate strikes of latent anxiety to spike, thus
Overwhelming my adult processor’s current connection to
Logic, reality and peace of mind, which, I believe, began to
Descend into a place of subconscious fear beginning last
December when 75 candles lit up my cake, and
To my way of thinking (since my mom lived to
Dance at her 100th birthday celebration), I’d officially
Walked over the threshold into my fourth quadrant of
The circle of life, where, unbeknownst to me, at that
Time, my chorus line of naked fears began to clamor for
Attention before my deeply blocked mind’s eye had been
Offered a stew of sound reasons to courageously
Walk through one repressed fear after another until
The dawning of a troop of deeper truths, spotlighting
Each of those fears, began to filter into my conscious mind over
These past several months, each unrepressed fear
Highlighting which portion of my self conceived
Lack of self worth was scaring me half to death as
Had felt true but not been true when I was three
Holy cow!  No wonder why I’ve been utterly  exhausted!

Thank goodness, my processor’s recent conscious
Reconnection to reality clarifies why today’s
Intuitive return to common sense suggests
My brain’s courageous readiness to have
Subconsciously released and unwrapped each
Long cocooned,  traumatized fear from within
Its own secreted spot, one fear at a time until
The recently well rested, expansive state of
My processor’s mental capacity to take leaps of
Faith toward change for the better feels so
Well groomed as to concentrate my energy upon
Restrengthening my think tank’s connection to
Life’s harshest realities as this fourth quadrant of
My circle of life continues to unfold ever more
Courageously (because courage must be mustered
Before subconscious fears are openly exposed to
The conscious portion of our minds) than had been
Possible during each of the three stages, which
I’d been fated to experience before
My late diagnosis of PTSD had been astutely and
Thus deeply explored, and now, in order to end
Today's insight driven, intuitive
Train of thought on an up note, here is
My consciously chosen attitude, concerning confronting
Subconscious fears—Better late than never!

And with that positively focused insight clearly stated
I'm off to the airport to pick up David, whose
Screen writing career has been moving steadily forward
Though at a caterpillar's rate, suggesting
My youngest son's need to call forth
His inner strengths, repeatedly, year after year—thank
Goodness, his intelligence has developed the courage and
Self respect to have developed an ever deepening connection to
Faith in his processor’s uniquely creative talents, which, having
Partnered up with his generosity of spirit’s personal charisma
(So as to enthusiastically 'sell' his pilot via Viola Davis’s
Production company, which having chosen to be his producer, is
Currently packaging David’s product to entice a network to
Sign on, and thus does  common sense suggest that
The strength of David's belief in his worth spotlights
The probability of his professional future being bright

As for now, Steven and Ravi plan to join Will, David and myself for
Dinner, tonight, with a sleep over to look forward to with Ravi on
Friday night followed by a playdate with our four year old sweetheart
On Saturday, and on Sunday, Will, along with two of our three sons and
Yours truly will be eager to enjoy this season’s first home game within
Our NFL football stadium before David flies back to the coast on
Monday in pursuit of continuing to shoot for
The moon in hopes of landing upon a star of his own making by
Way of working toward creating a reality of his lifelong
Professional dream—So if you hear very little from
My recently revitalized spirit, over this busy, elongated
Family weekend, devoted to fun, fun, fun, you’ve just received
A happily engaged heads up as to what my recently well rested
Mind is planning to fully enjoy with loved ones, directly ahead ...
Whew!  This is one time traveler, whose appreciation for
Living life to the fullest (by working toward remaining
Ever more consciously present) knows no bounds as
Long as my sense of fun steps on no one
Else’s sorely exposed toes! And now, upon
My think tank’s most recent return from
Releasing unprocessed emotional pain which had been
Hauntingly, dauntingly repressed for far too long —
You can trust me when clarity states that freeing
My processor from one mixed messaged after
Another, secreted within the dark side of my mind, is
Worth every moment of peace of mind, concerning
The mental and spiritual restoration of
My actual self worth, which is currently mine when
I go to sleep as well as when and I awake until
Another current event triggers the next eruption of
PTSD—or not—as the reality of life’s eternal mysteries
Continually spin round and round, providing
Our processors with sound reasons to
Wonder what unexpected surprises may be in store for
Each of us, next, just as one century leads toward
The next, mystifying each of us, collectively
Indefinitely, no matter how successful
Our think tanks’ expansive capacity for
Successfully identifying and resolving longstanding
Inner conflicts prove to be, because both sides of
Human nature perennially exist, side by side within
One and all, and no matter how much changes, over
Time, that timeless reality, my friends, remains
A matter of fact—I mean—seriously—look at
The smarmy bully who’s openly transforming
The USA into a third world country by terrifying
So many of our brethren while his Midas touch
Lashes the personal safety of countless
Families upon pyres made of trump’s total lack of soul

Please God, if you exist, direct our populous to vote
To over throw this heartless dictator-in-the-making into
The garbage disposal along with the rest of the
Stagnating swamp, so we, who, choose to work
Conscientiously toward creating a heightened
Awareness concerning our world-wide communitiy’s
Universal need to develop attitudinal changes for
The better in home after home, so that tomorrow’s
Children are raised by adult role models, who have
Reason to sleep so profoundly soundly at night as
Not to develop headaches from grinding
Our teeth, which solves nary a problem that
Over time, overwhelms peace of mind ...
PS
My attachment to universal compassion denies
Adult bullies entry into my personal kingdom
Where the safety of peace-loving, kindred
(Compassionate) spirits is a top priority offered by
This heart of mine, which has never been able to
Tolerate cruelty, as stories shall tell ...

TODAY’S CONNECTION TO CLARITY SPOTLIGHTS YET ANOTHER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER

So, guess what changed for the better upon
Arising with my processor feeling clearly rested, today?

I’ve chosen not to back track to edit posts
Penned and published, during the darkness of these
Past few weeks—and also, in the interest of
Moving forward toward storytelling
I’ve decided not to even publish
Posts penned and saved in drafts (except
For one) when my processor was undergoing
The deeply tormented throes of
This most recent mind bending bout of
PTSD’s oxygen deprived, emotionally
Exhausting undertow, which consumed
Most of my California vacation with
My family—suggesting my readiness to free
My story teller, whose long lasting
Patience in the wings, has proven as
Stellar as is true of yours ...

AN INTRINSIC CHANGE OF MIND TOWARD THE HEARTFELT BETTERMENT OF MANKIND, WOMANKIND, AND MOST ESPECIALLY—KIDKIND ...

Upon review, my think tank was comma happy while composing this post, which I’m not planning to edit to perfection.  Ahhh!  Clarifying today’s decision to readily accept my imperfections relaxed my processor’s subconscious need to back track, repeatedly, so driven did I feel to work painstakingly toward Ttendung to every mistake in need of correction.

Sooo—upon my review of yesterday’s post, I found run on strings of insight galore in need of serious work if clarity of thought is to be yours and mine.  However, as previously stated, I’m not planning to utilize my brain’s precious rest time by making grammatical clarity a top priority —unless, upon further consideration, I feel intuitive readiness redirecting my processor to change my mind as naturally as a surprise sun shower washes yesterday’s dust off of a healthy tree’s gently swaying, widely branching, leaves—

Ha!  Then, guess what happened?  Change my mind concerning editing yesterday’s post I did!  Why?  Well—as my processor continues to revitalize, day by day, another negatively focused fear (concerning the ease with which exhaustion makes my brain feel vulnerable to being sucked back across the timeline so swiftly as to spiral into yet another petrified episode of PTSD), filtered into the conscious portion of my mind, and upon its release from subconscious storage, my think tank’s clear connection to reality, having been restored, reduced yesterday’s fear of feeling too easily overwhelmed.  And so, having consciously identified specific fears, freeing my processor’s angst-ridden anxiety to subside, a little more, every day, I can feel my overproduction of Adrenalin slowing down toward normal, freeing my processor to regain control over my ‘solution seeking tools as my whole self relaxes (more often than not) within a restful state of personal well being that signals my intuitive powers to reduce my need to seek out a safe place of solitude in which to harbor my mind, spirit and body’s natural need for an emotionally safe space in which anxiety based tension can continue to decrease, freeing my body to breathe in oxygen of which my over-taxed brain had been too long deprived, and once again, as my sixth sense feels intuitive intelligence recouping the energy necessary to quiet my processor’s most recently triggered spikes of latent anxiety, my brain’s naturally expansive capacity to multitask feels ever more capable of making corrections (though not to perfection), once again.

So though you may find run on strings of insight remaining too long for your sense of clarity to skate over as smoothly as would an accomplished figure skater gliding round and round a rink, if you choose to review each string of insight spotlighted within yesterday’s post, yet again, your processor’s connection to clarity need not fear dizzying so suddenly as if your think tank has fallen through thin ice, because, currently, each revised train of thought can, now, stand strong within yesterday’s post on its own, reflecting the fact that my processor’s restrengthened connection to clarity is becoming ever more deeply grounded within reality, day by day.  And this change for the better suggests that the re-emergence of certain long repressed fears are currently relaxing their subconscious grip over my most recent disconnection from personal safety (though ‘tis true that other subterranean fears may continue to unknowing daunt my conscious connection to clarity as the future unfolds if their darkly shadowed presence is triggered to emerge by another current event that taunts my peace of mind by releasing yet another hauntingly unprocessed aspect of my injured self image, which, having been buried alive during childhood, remains repressed within an unidentified state of being so as to be triggered by a current event to re-emerge and flood my processor with yet another episode of latent anxiety until that unprocessed fear, newly released behind the iron curtain of my defense system’s wall of denial, is clearly named and thus disempowered from striking down my adult processor’s hold onto today’s reality with yet another bolt of lightening quick, whip-snapping, spike of anxiety so powerful as to shatter my self worth in less than a second flat, casting my adult strength of spirit into one of childhood’s traumatic moments, which sucks my conscious mind ever more deeply into bottomless abyss of my brain’s dark side, yet again ... Geez!

I’m sure you must realize how tired I am of episodic PTSD being triggered, repeatedly!  Right?

On the other hand, at least I’ve come to understand the hold that undiagnosed PTSD has had upon my subconscious collapse of self worth ever since I was less than three when the darkest, scariest side of life had the audacity to smite down my life force (my spirit) with lightening bolt swiftness when sudden death terrorized my extended family’s emotional environment to a traumatizing degree twice within a matter of weeks with no explanation forthcoming concerning how deeply the long lasting nature of the specter of darkness had shattered my fledgling processor's connection to clarity and personal safety, over most of my life, until I was more than sixty at which time PTSD was astutely diagnosed and EMDR therapy begun, because I couldn’t stop crying.  And since we have no way of knowing what else my three year old processor imagined was true of me unless current events continue to (shudder) trigger additional episodes of PTSD, I hold fast to the clarity of this intuitive belief:  No one leaves childhood unscathed from repressed fear and pain, suggesting why no man or woman or child is an island, and thus do we intuitively seek each other out as though yearning to glean insight from one another by way of acknowledging that the classic characteristics of the human brain, which function within each of our heads, is comprised of a myriad of deeply mysterious, unique channels of thought based in differences between your experiences and mine, suggesting why ‘tis of imperative importance to direct our growing sense of self awareness toward focusing positively upon the expansion of the human spirit’s personal capacity to enjoy every moment of intuitive clarity that conjoins to blow each lighting swift, windswept thunder storm away, freeing space inside our heads for smart hearts to enjoy and explore sunny days, directly ahead, so as to expose our eternal sense of joy, which proves to be so fantastically elastic as to be contagious throughout the world as each of us goes about our business of living life to the fullest by offering love so freely as to feel utterly enthusiastically engaged with the sunny side of the street so as to express our positively focused attitudes totally naturally, answering why the enticing nature of spiritual effervescence emanating from within your life force and mine ignites warm smiles to alight upon the faces of strangers, as their spirits are ignited to lighten up (as seen when a twinkling sparkle in their eyes signals a sudden spark of neighborly friendliness as though, rather than being ships passing in the night, one good soul is quietly wishing good fortune to the next though it’s highly unlikely that our paths will ever cross, again ...

And in this way, does clarity of intuitive thought lead my whole mind to conceive of a grass roots movement flying through cyberspace in which more of us aspire to “Be the change you wish for the world”, day by day.

AT FIRST GLANCE ...

First things first—if it comes to pass that
This post is fraught with mistakes in grammar or
Composition then please grin and bear it (as will I upon
Review), because my power of insight-driven
Intuitive intelligence has just made me aware of
This fact:  Far too much of my valuable time
Has been spent perfecting my writing skills, so
If strings of insight begin to feel too complex to
Understand with clarity intact then rather than
Working to straighten out every complexity
I’ll respectfully ask your processor to hold
Hands with mine as, together, we do our best to
Take leaps of faith over mental complexities, which
Tend to emerge so naturally from within the depths of
My think tank that streams of consciousness, flowing
Freely throughout today’s post may confound your
Connection to clarity as well as mine stimulating
Our processors to feel confused and therefore in
Need of re-grounding so that rising sensations of
Frustration do not further debilitate our brain’s
Sense of personal dexterity concerning
Remaining on track when clarity proves necessary to
Performing a heightened degree of mental gymnastics if
We are to attain and maintain a strongly self disciplined
Quiet connection to inner peace when everyone else is
Running wild, shrieking—the sky is falling—at
Times when astute mental processes prove necessary to
Solution seeking, which ministers astutely to everyone’s
Need to calm down so as to regain control over each one’s
Run-away mind.  And if you ask—Annie, why must your
Vigilance concerning editing toward clarity be temporarily
Set aside?  Here would be my reply:  While I continue to
Consciously offer my long wearied mind plenty of rest time
My processor is busily busting its own chops editing
Lengthy strings of insight emergent within the last
Two posts published, which, upon review, prove
Far too complex (as one would expect of
Intuitive streams of consciousness) for
Mental clarity to easily maneuver its way
Through unless my think tank is employed to
Work toward creating change for the better, and
Since that task is proving to be more challenging to
My tired mind than had seemed to be the case upon
First glance, I’d mistakenly believed that little more
Would be required of my wearied think tank other than
Grammatical repairs; however, now that I know
Otherwise, this editing task set before me feels
Arduous for my easy-to-tire brain to complete without
Worrying about editing today’s post, as well!

Seriously—if my smarts can’t control
My brain from fooling my think tank into
Editing toward perfection, post after post after post—
Forever, then at this point in my life, I’ll be a goner for
Sure before my memoir est fini, so moving forward—

Today, I read a horoscope (not
Mine but of value so as to be seriously
Considered, none-the-less), validating
My comprehension of the ways in which
Each person’s degree of personal safety influences
The enhancement of his/her connectedness to
Insight-laden intuitive thoughts—or not

Why read horoscopes that are not
Mine?  Because there’s very little else to read in
The news that I can stomach without stirring up
The angry portion of my mind—so
In the interest of jump-starting each day with
A positively focused attitude, my intelligence seeks
To absorb anything that encourages
The bright side of my brain to calmly, thus
Mindfully consider trains of thought that
Do not stimulate my head to ache with unremitting
Frustration—for example, here’s a bite-sized
Sample of that which my processor swallowed quietly
And thus easily while I enjoyed
This morning’s sweetened cup of joe:
“”When fear subsides, the brain is
Quiet.  It’s out of this quiet mind that
Deep insight and intelligence emerge”

Not a horoscope, you say?  But rather
Words of wisdom welcomed by those who
Conscientiously seek to heighten
Current levels of self awareness?
Well, yes.  My point, exactly, and
Now that my brain is quiet
I can see the error of my processor’s
Original assessment concerning
How much editing is required of
The pair of posts published previous to
This one, so please know full well how
Deeply your patience will be appreciated while
My think tank continues to work quietly away at
Whittling this editing project down to size, little
By little, day by day, so as to simplify
Complex strings of insight without
Wearing down my processor’s battery before
It has fully recharged, and now, having made
Sound use of the self assertive portion of
My voice, which began to restrengthen once
Latent fears, deeply repressed during
Childhood’s most self detesting and thus
Utterly devastating moments of
Unprocessed terror (concerning my personal
Survival at the age of three) emerged from behind
My think tank’s wall of denial, last week, my
adult processor’s hard won mental strengths
No longer feel shot straight through
The head now that a conglomeration of
Deeply repressed (unprocessed) ‘memories’ of
Yesteryear’s emotional pain, based in
A three year old child’s self-flagellating
Misperceptions concerning her lack of
Self worth, which, during currently triggered
Episodes of PTSD, flash out of and then back
Behind my defensive wall of denial so swiftly as
To divest my adult processor's state of
Conscious self awareness with this caveat:
I am acutely aware of my internal need of
A quiet safe haven that proves necessary to
Identify, explore and release one self degrading
Subconscious belief (concerning my self image)
After another until my hijacked processor can
Actively engage with my next session of
EMDR therapy at which time my brain is
Retrained to switch tracks from whatever  negatively
Focused channels of self-debilitating
Trains of unprocessed thought emerged, which had
Been predisposed to knock out my intuitive connection to
Intelligence as fast as a gang of repressed fears sucker
Punched my smarts, leaving my sense of wholeness
Feeling as shattered and terrifyingly breathless due
To oxygen-deprecation, which causes my think tank to
Succumb to spiraling ever more deeply into
Yesteryear’s hellhole of self-loathing darkness where
My lost connection to personal safety languishes till
My processor hits bottom with such a self-defeating
Thud as to jar my adult think tank’s barest inkling of
Knowledge concerning my brain’s preprogrammed
Capacity to engage with EMDR to self heal yet
Another severely injured portion of
My self esteem,  little by little, and as my sessions of
Self healing therapy have grown too successful to
Deny, my oxygen-deprived think tank begins to
Remember that this newly re-emergent unprocessed fear
Will identified once the astute listening skills of
My well trained therapist guides my three year old’s
Subconsciously repressed rocky channel of thought to
Feel safely, soothingly, smoothly revealed to my adult self
Today, and upon re processing pain that had remained
Unprocessed over most of my life, another injured portion of
My self esteem repaires itself, and since healing my brain of
Yesteryear’s deeply repressed, self defeating fears concerning
My personal survival has become my primary task, hopefully
You can see why I’ve taken this time to express
The sincerity of my current decision to consciously and
Quietly balance any editing project with my processor’s
Internal need to re-energize, completely—

Thank you so much for hearing me out as
Would a friend, whose processor listens
Quietly with compassion intact rather than
As would a person, whose attitude of personal
Frustration vibrates through the air as if whipping
Around a sense of mpatient ill will rather than
Calmly choosing to will a soothing attitude to arise so
As to be of help in any way possible to hasten
A current, deeply painful episode of PTSD to
Lovingly lighten my processor’s magnetized hold onto
The dark side of my past, and as my spirit is
Once again, undergoing the process of lifting, ever
So naturally, day by day, I thank you, my friends, for
Extending your patience to me each time
My think tank is tripped so as to lose its footing
Thrusting my processor’s connection to reality to slip
Slide down that slippery slope where the sudden
Eruption of  a terrified three year old child’s
Unprocessed terror feels in dire need of
A quiet, emotionally safe space inside
My head to release repressed pain based in
Latent fear until my anxiety-ridden adult think tank
Calms enough to begin to get a grip on the fact that
I am and always have been worthy of feeling as
Deeply loved and emotionally supported as is true of
The free flow of loving support that my smart heart
Releases naturally, thus, unconditionally, wherever I go

And now, last but not by any stretch of imagination least
I hope you have been able to relax with loved ones over
This Labor Day weekend, thus resting your mind while
Rejuvenating your spirit so as to ready your smart heart to
Approach whatever may lie directly ahead with
Your sense of clarity, concerning positive attitudes
Intact whenever solution-seeking proves necessary as
This crazy world of ours continues to spin, round and round
Annie

AS DRAGON #1 IS CLEARLY NAMED, MY RAGING ATTITUDE NEEDS BE TAMED!

First things first—upon reviewing today’s post as well as
The one published previous to this one, both prove in need of
Grammatical editing aimed at easing your processor’s
Absorption of insights with mental clarity intact —

Once my processor rests up, I plan to direct
The conscious portion of my brain (which listened up
Attentively during one English class after another) to
Correct mistakes based in complexity of thought
Flowing naturally through the intuitive portion of
My brain toward my finger tips, each of which
Hits the keyboard as swiftly as a well practiced
Though not perfected pianist, who, while
Engaged in performing, does not consciously
Acknowledge which finger is tapping each
Key, moment by moment, and
While my conscious mind is reconsidering these
Trains of thought with my hold onto clarity intact
I plan to maintain a heightened level of
Conscious awareness concerning my need for
Self control so as to temporarily curb
My well practiced intuitive powers from
Re-emerging ever so freely during
This particular editing process so that
My sixth sense will remain in a semi-dormant
State of being rather than feeling stimulated to
Fully awaken yet another insight-driven dive into
Subconscious territory where additional
Secrets I keep from myself are stored until
My conscious connection to readiness to
Hear yet another deeper truth call out to
Me as if to say:  Annie, once again, you’ve
Grown toward taking another leap of faith upon
Having mustered the courage to work toward
Achieving the next level of mental gymnastics
Necessary to pave your personal path with
Inner strengths so as to identify and overcome
Yet another deeply repressed fear of
The great unknown that lies directly ahead, and
Annie, here is the insight that’s bound and
Determined to shine its spotlight upon
The emergence of today’s deeper truth:
As loved as you now feel by many who have
Come to value the kindness born of
Unconditional love that fills your heart to
Overflowing with compassion, your
Mind’s eye can clearly see that
The sweet, scared half to death, three year old
Little girl’s subconscious fear of walking through
Life’s storms, all alone, with her head held high so
As to mask the depths of her need for
Loving comfort bolstered by respectful, emotional
Support can be safely left in the past based in this fact:
As my future continues to unfold, I will not feel so
Unworthy of love when I tire while helping others as
To feel fearfully guilty upon calmly voicing
My needs, which may conflict with my loved ones’
Need of me, and clearly feeling freed of undeserved guilt
I need not fear being insulted, or chastised or left to
Fend for myself—during life’s harshest time, all alone
Triple Whew!

And now, having offered your processor
A heads up concerning your choice to read on or
Await the re-groomed versions of deeply
Complex trains of thought (which, upon completion
Will surely be announced) I’d like to remind you that—
My first thought is not always my best thought
For example—I titled today’s train of thought:
AS DRAGON #1 IS CLEARLY NAMED
MY RAGING ATTITUDE NEEDS BE TAMED!
When deeper truth suggests that
MY REPRESSED FURIES RUN SO DEEP AS TO
BE IN NEED OF ROARING RATHER THAN
TAMING BEFORE THE SELF ASSERTIVE PORTION OF
MY VOICE CAN EXPRESS ITSELF ALOUD IN
A MANNER OF SPEAKING SO CALMLY AND
CLEARLY AS TO INTUITIVELY (THUS
INSIGHTFULLY)TAP INTO DEEPER TRUTHS SO
MINDFULLY AS TO BE THE SHOT HEARD
(AND SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED) ROUND THE WORLD
(I mean, otherwise, why is my power of intuition guiding
My processor to pen and send each next string of
Insights into cyberspace, day after day?)
.
Ahhh!  My second thought feels so much better than my first!
Why?  Well—here comes today's string of insights (once again
Older ones serving to brighten my current point of
View so as to ignite insights, which, feeling brand new, will
Surely highlight the primary reason as to why today's first thought
(Which had been sparked, unconsciously, by my imagination’s
Dark side, to pen the title) had need to switch tracks toward
My second thought, which, rather than being
Darkly imaginative, is bound to resonate with a deeper sense of
Truth based in my think tank’s conscious awareness of my less than
Wearied thought processor’s recently restored reconnection to logic:

As the homily states: There’s a place for everything and
Everything in its place, suggesting that in this case
My exhausted processor had need of being plugged into
A quiet place in which to feel totally at rest before
My 'lost' connection to logic could feel so naturally
Recharged as to overcome my dark side's deeply
Imaginative thoughts, which proved empowered to
Overwhelm my sense of personal safety once
A current event had triggered a spike of anxiety to
Strike the exhausted state of the logic-based portion of
My think tank just as lightening, during a thunder storm
Strikes a tree, and as, once again, my processor's vulnerabilities
Felt violently exposed, another fear, buried alive and carried
Forward throughout my life in an unprocessed and thus unidentified
State of being erupted through my wall of denial so unconsciously
As to have whipped my subconscious engineer into
A frenzy, which spun what little was left of
My mental strengths into such downward spiral as to
Have caused my mind's eye to fail to see train tracks, directly
Ahead, leading nowhere but cliffside before my blindsided
Intelligence had time to slam on my brain’s brakes, and thus
At breakneck speed did the dark side of my mind usurp control over
ALL of my think tank as my thought processor was subconsciously
Swept back across the time line, where rather than 75, I 'was'
Once again, three, plunging straight down so as to hit bottom
In such an ungrounded manner as to have descended as deep as
Deep can be into the time frame when my home life had felt like
That gorge-like bottomless black hole that had swallowed
Every spirit in my family whole during the aftermath of
My baby sister's death, so utterly consumed had my brain become
As though, once again, my think tank, having been triggered to
Succumb to being sucked into that deeply repressed caldron
Boiling over with a lifetime’s worth of inter-related repressed
Fears concerning my worthlessness (?) had been
Laying in wait to swallow my spirit along with today's smarts
Ever since when? ever since Janet's sudden death, at which time
My undeveloped three year old think tank had literally looked up to
Adult role models for ‘guidance’ as to how to feel and react, because
The instinctive portion of my brain, like every human brain, had been
Preprogrammed before birth to mimic adult reactions as
A means of unconsciously absorbing whatever my eyes saw
And whatever my ears heard as being 'necessary' for
Personal survival while my role models and I
Made our way through life’s classic celebrations as well as
Life’s harshest hardships, and during the extreme emotional
Upheaval, following Janet's death, I, left 'on my own' with only
My three year old processor (in its immature state of being)
Could in no way fathom much less comprehend or absorb
Any of the deeply macabre changes that had, without
A moment’s warning, transformed our cheerful
Loving, well organized home life into a psychological study of
An extended family’s descent into each person's
Highly personalized hell—based in the undeniable fact that
Two sudden deaths, within the brief span of six weeks, had
Spun our sunny little corner of the world off of its axis, and
As each of my role model's minds spiraled directly away from
Emotional safety, all of our processors, including mine
Crash landed on a foreign planet that left our spirits in a place
So darkly foreboding as to have given rise to my feeling subconsciously
Terrified of the future as if everywhere I'd looked, all that could be
Seen on the faces of my loved ones was a terrifying vision of darkness
Ahead as if each of us had personified a black cat, condemned to walk
Under one ladder after another, at midnight, no chance of sunrise
Ahead, and as this confounding state of terror, forever, gripped
My heart and tore into my mind, a small child was destined to
Experience episodes of PTSD once my fear of the future was
Buried alive behind my defense system's wall of denial so as to grow
Ever more bold most especially as I age and subconscious
The Specter of Death, which dwells within the dark side of my mind
Subconsciously threatens the survival of everyone I love—
Young and old—As to death coming in threes—over these past
Couple of weeks, in addition to normal calls, my phone rang thrice—
Each time announcing the death of a person I loved, or someone
I knew or whom had been loved by one of my loved ones, who'd
Cried aloud in pain

With the re-emergence of older insights, which, as my brain
Rested, began to poke their way through my processor’s dark side so
As to filter, one by one, into the still exhausted, bright side of
My think tank, which has been slowly but steadily regaining
Its hold onto clarity, little by little, my processor’s well-developed
Power of intuitive intelligence has been whispering of
My mental readiness to fire off small sparks of positive focus, which
Along with my self worth, had been locked out of the conscious
Portion of my processor for several weeks with this caveat:
I didn't 'forget' that exhaustion, followed by a series of
Triggering events, drags my sunny spirit into the underworld that
Exists within my brain.  I mean exhaustion has been one of
Several triggers that leaves me vulnerable to be seized by
An attack of PTSD so many times that you'd think that during
My darkest hours at least one vestige of deeper truth would whisper
Of hope into my ear—and if you think that's true of me then
I'd agree, because in recent years, I've come to know at my core that
Even during my darkest hours, my well developed power of intuition
Can be heard encouraging my adult processor to listen up as in—Annie
You've hit bottom before and worked your way back up to
Clarity after resting in solitude—and so with the help and loving
Respectful support of family and your closest friends in whom
You feel safe to confide, you'll succeed, again, and thus
With the passage of these past several weeks, while
My wearied host of mental strengths continued to rest so as to
Re-energize, my spirit has continued to revitalize my
Realistic sixth sense concerning the true nature of my self worth—
Not just today, but as a sweet child of three, and as my mind, body
And spirit continue to inch ever so slowly but consistently toward
Restoration, I have been working my way out of the gorge, yet again
And thus has my bright side, which still wearies more quickly than
Usual, is currently guiding me to show you what happened when
The negatively focused dark side of my imagination
Held my positive focused connection to reality hostage within
Time frame of my think tank's unprocessed past, I'm planning to
Offer you a post, penned last week (though not published till
Today), which will exemplify the ease with which
The dark side of human nature, triggered to be released
Empowered my imagination to fool my brain's processor into
Conjuring up a fire-breathing dragon-like demon, which
I led myself to believe 'resides' within the underworld of
My brain, and as this dragon may prove to be the primary
Focus of the deeply repressed terror that I find so terrifying
As to have triggered my anxiety to spike so high as to strike down
All of my conscious connection to emotional self control, we shall
Watch this darkly imagined dragon lash my sense of personal safety to
A stake where my smarts, concerning my self worth, goes up in
Flames each time an episode of PTSD is triggered by
A current event that in any way 'resembles' the scariest time of
My three year old life, and as you can imagine, when
An episode of PTSD is triggered while mental exhaustion can
Play negatively focused tricks on the wounded portion of
My self esteem, my wearied think tank falls into
A mind maze where my tensely tightened oxygen-deprived
Body (which includes my brain) blinds my mind's eye from
'Seeing' myself choking on subconscious smokescreens, which
Prohibit my smarts from fathoming whatever is actually
Tormenting my personal safety, 'today', in the same way that
Had caused three year old me to plunge straight
Into a hell hole where bitter memories that I'd witnessed
Concerning terrifying episodes of mother-daughter betrayal
(Personified by my gramma and my mother) during
The emotionally torrential weeks that had followed
My sister's tragic death, and since I was too young to process
The meaning of negatively charged words exchanged between
Two of my most influential role models, back then, the hell, encased
In smoke and mirrors that I lose myself within, today, feels
Every bit as darkly confounding and personally threatening to
My self worth as had felt true back then when I'd no clue as to why
Furiously charged condemnations shrieking back and forth throughout
The air as though to raise the dead, continued to make a child, just
Turning three, to cower, trembling, as though her very life
Was threatened, under a table where I'd bury my head while
My chest and abdominal muscles grew as tense as a
A pair of tightly clenched fists, leaving my lungs gasping for
Air, starving my heart of oxygenated blood, necessary for
Adult Annie to think straight so as to 'find' MY way out of
This mind maze, which has a trap door that will continue to be
Triggered until the bright side of my mind grows so
Intuitively, insightfully strong as to sense each next episodic
Plunge into PTSD before I reach exhaustion's point of
Slo-mo return, and since I believe the primary cause of
Traumatized fear has remained actively repressed within
The dark side of my brain since I was a child, not yet three
I've recently come to see that—“It’s the assessment of
A circumstance that matters not the circumstance, itself”
(I lifted that quote from a horoscope, which was not
Mine until my processor’s slo-mo resurgence of clear
Mental energy caught wind of this fact:
A morsel of wisdom, like that, benefits, one and all)

Each time my processor has been in over-drive
Over long, my mental strengths exhaust freeing
Repressed, though unidentified insecurities, common
To three year old children, to arise and overwhelm
The conscious portion of my processor's adult
Intelligence, repeatedly.  And though today's insights
Are not new to me, I am becoming ever more aware of
The fact that decisions to stretch myself beyond
Human endurance have been made by
The deeply repressed, insecure portion of
My think tank at times when mental weariness has already
Grown too great to withstand more of the same, and
My propensity to pressure myself to produce more than
Is humanly possible has been based in the flawed, deeply
Repressed impression of my worthlessness, which was
Born soon after my sister's death, and I have a feeling that
Within that pocket of my subconscious lives and breathes
A false self evaluation that repeatedly stretches
My already exhausted think tank on a rack, where I am at
Risk of temporarily annihilating my host of mental
Strengths so completely that they plunge into yet another
Ever deepening, spiraling episode of PTSD, which
Upon erupting through my ‘everything is swell persona’
Fires up the repressed and thus unnamed dragon that
Drags my sunny spirit so swiftly straight back across
The timeline into its lair that my current level of
Mental intelligence wholly succumbs to my dark side’s
Lifelong subconscious, imaginative nightmares to such
A deeply alarming, self-degrading degree as to signal
A three year child's unresolved anxiety, buried alive, to
Spike so high as to knock out my processor’s bright side with
Yet another unforeseen sucker punch (as my gramma sucker
Punched my mother's heart, spirit and processor during
The most deeply vulnerable, pain wracked time of
My 'mommy's' life), and each time my smarts are unconsciously
Flung so far into the past as to cause my brain to reincarnate
The utterly confounded, totally terrified, barely three year old
Me, whose upbeat home life had morphed within seconds flat into
A death dirge drawn out over so many months as to have
Left the resilience of my spirit utter limp as though
I, rather than my mother, had been beaten to a pulp within
An inch of my life, and to illustrate that last intuitively written
String of insights, here it comes—the post
Penned (and titled) by the dark side of
My imaginative mind, last week:
***************************
A dragon, residing within my subconscious, awaits
My exhaustion before pouncing upon my mental
Vulnerabilities, thus empowering itself to drag
My spirit into the darkest, most tortuous dungeon of
My brain where my current lack of energy is
Lashed to a fiery spit so as to sear my self image to
A crisp, yet again, and this visualization of a deeply
Repressed, self conceived misbelief, which has
Anxiously needled my self confidence concerning
Self worth, began at the age of three at which time
I lived and breathed after my baby sister, adored
Openly by all, stopped breathing and died, and
Finding my terrible self alive while a child, whom
I'd wished had disappeared, had done exactly that
Leaving my entire family in the hell hole of despair
I am not worthy of their love unless my think tank can
Make sure that no one else stops breathing, forever
And if I fail to be such a good girl that I'm adored as
Much as Janet was then I don’t deserve to live and
Feel happy whenever those I love are not
Free of strife unless—I successfully stretch my brain to
Assuage their pain—Oh my God!—If that’s not
A God complex (unknowingly absorbed and repressed into
My three year old subconscious) speaking through
My intuitive powers then what is?
I’ll tell you what this is—
This is the traumatized portion of
My processor begging for release from every aspect of
Undeserved survivor's guilt so as not to feel
The demise of my self worth so easily aroused each
Time my processor tires, freeing each next episode of
PTSD to be self empowered to disarm and suck my host of
Earnestly won, mental strengths into that black hole where
My personal sense of safety feels dependent upon
Making such sound use of my acquired wealth of
Knowledge concerning family communications as to
Charge myself with feeling certain that
Every relationship in my little corner of the world will
Feel swell, forever—and ever since I began to write
This blog/memoir, several years back, guess what
Happened?  My little corner of the world has
Swelled to include every person on
Planet Earth whose personal well being is
Endangered by a slew of fire breathing
Dragons, whose maniacal hunger for
Power cares not whose lives are arrested or
Whose spirit is trampled or whose well being is
Devoured, straight down to terrified little children
Separated from anguished parents, who will develop
PTSD as surely as had been true of me after
Our baby ‘disappeared’ and I had no clue
As to where she (and my beloved grandfather, who
At 52, had been hearty until he died suddenly of
A massive heart attack, six weeks before
My sister stopped breathing), so that both had
Disappeared as though a lightening bolt had flashed into
Our lives, dragging my family into the dark side where
The sun would never (?) shine, ever again as it had
Once upon a time, because even when the sun did shine
After my second sister's birth, I had no conscious clue of
My dark side having swallowed this question, which, behind
My wall of denial has haunted my spirit's smile, subconsciously
24/7—since my grandpa and our baby disappeared, never to
Return then who might suddenly be next?
Mommy?  Daddy?  Or Me?

Though some of you, who have followed my blog since
Its inception, may recall the fiery argument, which (having
Arisen several weeks after our baby’s death
Rocked our emotional environment, as if
A third earthquake, registering at a ten, had caused
Whatever little was left of my personal sense of
Safety to implode my think tank’s
Subconscious absorption of undeserved guilt concerning
Who had actually been responsible for
Causing Janet's disappearance, and
Those of you who have already read that
Story posted, several years back, may also recall
The primary reason why my depressed, three year old
Spirit bounced back rather than dragging at
Half mast throughout each stage of my life as is true of
So many children, whose low energy yields quietly to
Spiking attacks of anxiety or, on the other hand, that
Story highlights insights concerning the primary reason why
I'd refrained from ‘acting out’ negatively whenever
My self worth suffered a direct hit, and now
As my life story is being rewritten, story by story, post by post
You shall witness my sister's death, the argument that threw
My processor over the cliff as surely as Wiley Coyote plunges
Consistently downward while the Roadrunner's processor
Remains cool as a cucumber—Beep Beeping his way toward
Personal safety, again—this positively focused description of
Both sides of my think tank, suggests that my smarts are bound and
Determined to transform my runaway Wiley Coyote into
My Roadrunner's sidekick that that my first (unprocessed) recovery
From early childhood depression will reappear, sooner than
You may suppose—As for now, today’s intuitive train of thought
Leads my think tank to ask us to seriously consider this next question:

How many millions of low energy people (like those
As yet not diagnosed with walking pneumonia) are
Walking through life suffering undiagnosed episodes of
Oxygen-deprived PTSD?  How many, who experience
Anxiety and/or mild (thus undiagnosed) depression have
No conscious clue of this next fact, long
Acknowledged by the science of psychology:
Our defense systems must work ever more intensely
24/7 to restrain repressed fury and pain, which
Existing within subconscious memory in an
Unprocessed state of mind, remain unidentified?

Emotional pain, repressed in an unicentified state
Cannot be released in a healthy manner, so
One day, like an over stretched rubber band constricting
A wide variety of unresolved fearfully furious reactions
We can’t hold back the undertow for even one more
Second, so our nerve ends snap, shocking
Everyone in sight, who witnesses that which
The untrained mind deems an over-reaction, when
Actually, the camel’s knees have been buckling
Long before its ultimate collapse is witnessed once
The final straw has landed upon his overwrought back

Though common knowledge indicates that everyone’s
Brain contains a holding tank of tightly compressed
Deeply repressed, left over fear and/or rage
We commonly express shock and perhaps self disgust
When our very own naturally repressed
Emotional reactiveness erupts through our
Defensive walls of denial, and if we subconsciously
Harbor a self defeating, lack of self worth so as to
See our own occasional outbursts as horrible rather than
Natural to all human beings then upon repressing wrath
Yet again, our spirits and mental state of mind may
Grow ever more rageful or depressive—why?
Because repressing rage, overlong, redirects our
Brain’s main source of energy toward maintaining
The insulation of our walls of denial behind which
Burning angst fires up upon a pyre that grows ever
More smoky while we believe our own emotional
Pretense that we take out in public( known as
Our persona) suggesting that
All is well, deep inside, until our spirits’ fuel tanks
Are sucked bone dry, and if a person has
Experienced reason to repress mild episodes of
PTSD over his/her lifetime—
Well, we are kegs of emotional TNT awaiting the next
Bump in a road rockier than we consciously
Remember to blow our persona’s facade to
Kingdom come!  In a nutshell—
The scientific definition of clinical depression is
Unidentified rage subconsciously repressed, over long ...
In my case—

I HAVE BEEN REPRESSING
OVERWHELMING SENSATIONS OF FURY
OVERLONG—FOR EXAMPLE, ONE OF
MY FIRE-BREATHING FURIES IS BASED IN
THE FUTILITY OF CONFRONTING
IRRATIONAL BRAINS AT ALL LEVELS OF
LEADERSHIP, WHO FEAR PULLING
THEIR PROCESSORS OUT OF THE SWAMP SO
AS TO FACE REALITY HEAD ON, AND BEING
THAT THAT’S JUST THE FIRST
NAKED FURY, WHICH HAS SWELLED BEYOND
MY PROCESSOR’S WELL PRACTICED
CONNECTION TO SELF DISCIPLINED CONTROL
TODAY’S TRAIN OF THOUGHT IS SPOTLIGHTING
MY NEED TO CHANGE MY ATTITUDE FOR
THE BETTER BEFORE MY BRAIN FEELS SO
FURIOUSLY ENFLAMED AND DERANGED AS TO
STROKE OUT—I MEAN, WHAT GOOD CAN
I DO IF I’M DEAD OR DEPRESSED OR
RAGEFULLY OUT OF CONTROL?
IN SHORT, I FEEL ALL OF THIS BEHIND
MY WALL OF DENIAL WHERE MY BLOOD STREAM
HAS BEEN BOILING OVER WITH ANGST AS
THE DEPTHS OF MY EMPATHY FOR
THE PAIN OF STRANGERS ENDANGERS
MY MENTAL HEALTH, WHICH
HAS BEEN STRAINING FOR YEARS TO
RESTRAIN, CONSTRAIN AND TAME SO MANY
FIRE-BREATHING DRAGONS AS TO ENVISION
MY INTELLIGENCE REPRESSING
VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS OF
EMOTIONAL LAVA, WHICH HAS BEEN CHOKING
MY PERSONAL WELL BEING—24/7—AS THOUGH
ONE OF tRUMP’s DIRTIEST SOCKS HAS BEEN
SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT SO DEEPLY THAT
I CAN’T BREATHE OR EAT TO SAVE
MY OWN LIFE—IN FACT
OVER THESE PAST TWO WEEKS, SPENT ON
THE COAST WITH MY KIDS—BIG AND SMALL
I’M SEVEN POUNDS DOWN—AS IF DENYING
MY RAGE OXYGEN AND NUTRITIOUS
SUSTENANCE MAKES SENSE—AS IF
STARVING MYSELF GANDHI STYLE, WILL
INFLUENCE OUR LAWMAKERS TO
CLEAN UP THEIR SWAMP AT LONG LAST—
AS YOU CAN SEE, TAKING MY AGGRESSION
OUT ON MYSELF IS NOT HEALTHY BY ANY
STRETCH OF IMAGINATION—RIGHT?  AND
SINCE, OTHER THAN VOTING, I CAN’T
SAVE THE WORLD FROM MEGALOMANIACS
LIKE tRUMP, MY INTUITIVE INTELLIGENCE
Is GUIDING THE CONSCIOUS
PORTION OF MY PROCESSOR TO CONTINUE TO
FEEL SELF INSPIRED TO WORK TOWARD SAVING
MY SPIRIT FROM FEELING SUCKED INTO
YESTERYEAR’S LITTLE HOUSE OF HORRORS WHERE
A SWEET LITTLE GIRL IS STILL COWERING IN
SUBCONSCIOUS NEED OF MY ADULT’S
PROTECTIVE HEART-SMART INTELLIGENCE TO
BE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WOULD FREE MY
(and all of the children in CAGES!) FROM
EXPERIENCING SUBCONSCIOUS TORRENTIAL
DOWNPOURS OF SPIRITUALLY DEVASTATING TERRORS
LIKE THOSE THAT TRIGGER MY OWN EVERY TIME
I FEAR THAT ANOTHER CHILD, SEPARATED FROM
PARENTAL LOVE IS HEADED TOWARD
FUTURE EPISODES OF PTSD, AND
HAVING EXPRESSED TODAY’S DARKLY CLOUDY
THUNDEROUS FLASHES OF WHIPLASHING INSIGHT
I’M CLEARLY AND THOROUGHLY FURIOUS AT
PTSD’S ABILITY TO BLINDSIDE MY BRIGHT SIDE—
REPEATEDLY, JUST AS I’M FURIOUS THAT
MINDS, WHICH PROVE AS BLACK HEARTED AS
tRUMP’S, CONTINUE TO USURP CONTROL OVER
SO MUCH OF THE WELL-BEING OF
‘WE THE PEOPLE’ WHO POPULATE
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD

How ludicrous is it to believe that
My think tank is supposed to relax when
The dark side of my processor has misinformed
The conscious portion of my processor to
Imagine my exhausted host of inner strengths
Readying themselves to do battle with
A herd (?) of self conceived, flame throwing
Dragons that reside within my mind
If I am to fully recover from PTSD
Then my intelligence is charged to
Identify mixed messages given to myself
Exacerbating inner conflicts so confoundingS
To escalate repressed madness based in unresolved
Angst  rusting through my over stuffed and
Thus, ever cracking, defense system’s wall of
Denial, and if I’ve not clearly described
Mixed messaged madness driving me close to
Crazy then please feel free to offer up
Your definition by filing my blog’s
Comment box with experiences of your own

Today, we can more readily see how Aha!
Moments serve me well by hollowing out
And whittling my fire breathing dragons
(Conjured up by the imaginative nature of
My dark side) down to palm-in-hand
Toy size), eventually shine the INTUITIVE
Light of insight upon deeper truths, which, like
This one, has thankfully emerged from
My processor’s newly re-energizing
Bright side—Seriously!
My brain has not ever secreted
An enflamed dragon’s lair inside my head—in fact
The only permanent resident within
The dark side of my thought processor, since
The age of three, has been a terrified, deeply
Stressed, sexually abused little girl, whose
Self assertive voice, having been arrested in
The aftermath of her baby sister’s sudden death, rails
Against the bars of her subconscious cage, inner
Rage signaling my defense system to
Ring the bell of yesteryear’s terrorizing alarm whenever
The adult me (whose protection this deeply confounded
Ghost of a child, who haunts my well being whenever
A loved one’s emotional fire is in need of cooling down)
Demonstrates ‘telling’ signs of my host of inner strengths
Weakening, as would a set of muscles, from
(self abused) overuse ... And had I not reviewed
The train of thought, directly above, with you, today
My self conceived misconception of a dragon of
Any size, dwelling within my mind may have
Fired off yet another subconscious inner conflict, which
My tenaciously intuitive nature would have felt
Need to hunker my think tank down so as to puzzle
Its way through another darkly self-conceived
Mind maze down the road—however with
Today’s insight-laden, self strengthening
Sense of clarity brightening my current outlook
Concerning whatever mental or emotional challenge
Life is certain to offer up, if not today, then tomorrow—
Let’s look forward to the next reveal of
A train of thought (not in any specific order) which
Like this one,  my smoke-filled think tank conjured up
During these past two weeks when my state of oxygen
Deprived, extreme mental exhaustion had need to
Cocoon, suggestive of metamorphosis (hopefully)
Taking place as I stand, bravely, on the threshold of—
Old age ...