Lately, I’ve begun to draw a line of demarcation, differentiating inner peace from peace of mind.
Why? Because of how much time I’ve spent wondering how best to regain and maintain my thought processor’s natural connection to clarity by calming my composure as quickly as possible at those times when deeply repressed hot spots of anger or fear, having been poked at, cause a wounded portion of my ego to feel so newly provoked as to stimulate my survival instinct to flare up, burning my processor’s natural connection to clarity to a crisp, resulting in my feeling too hot to respond to the situation that’s currently taking place with my intellect’s connection to clear thinking feeling solidly grounded in inner strength, based in my re-balanced sense of self worth. Whew!
Whenever I choose to make sound use of my self assertive voice, I hope to remain so well connected to my intellect’s sense of intuitive clarity as to listen so calmly and astutely to the concerns of another as to cool down a conversation seething with unresolved hot spots on both sides each time it’s my turn to open my mouth and with respect for us both, effectively speak my mind. I mean why take the time to improve listening and speaking skills if not to make good use of one’s processor to calm an out of control reaction on the part of those whose opposing viewpoint is visibly too hot under the collar to absorb my positively focused, solution-seeking attitude?
In addition to that insight, I want to be able to know when my emotional reaction is being exacerbated by the unexpected eruption of my own subconscious anger or fear or both, and this is important to me for this reason: Whenever my inner peace feels under duress, my intellect’s connection to solution-seeking clarity remains much more deeply befuddled than my conscious awareness is able to acknowledge. And having come to absorb that insight more completely, I can feel another growth spurt brewing deep with me.
When my first thought is befuddled, because subconscious fear or anger feels newly ruffled, my processor mixes up a troubling event from the past with whatever I’m experiencing or discussing, today. And whenever that happens, my decision-maker can’t think straight ahead to save my dizzied processor from making serious mistakes in judgment.
Presently, my intuitive powers have been coaching my conscious awareness to define peace of mind as relating to those times when my personal and professional lives are both going along on a daily basis, as planned.
On the other hand, inner peace suggests that whenever a current situation goes haywire, offering my conscious connection to peace of mind sound reason to worry, my innermost sense of peace remains soulfully unruffled so as to maintain my processor’s natural connection to intuitive intelligence, which steadies my smarts to remain cool, well-balanced and collected so that a latent eruption of yesteryear’s unresolved angst does not stop my brain from functioning like a well oiled machine, most especially at those times when my smarts have need to determine my proper place in terms of whatever is currently happening on center stage so that I can clearly discern when it’s best to jump into the fray and assume a leadership role, or when to humbly take instruction by listening attentively to a more knowledgeable old soul, or when to stand quietly on the sidelines, deciding which will better serve to hasten the formation of a positively focused, solution-seeking plan: Shall I speak and lead or listen and follow or assume the observant role of nonpartisan neutrality, choosing to cheerlead no team over another if the drama at hand concerns a conflict based in pots and kettles calling each other black ...
We who see ourselves as Supermen and Wonder Women act as if we are able to leap off of high buildings in a single bound in hopes of flying others to a place of personal safety when deeper truth, concerning reality checks, suggests that behind our egocentric personas, we, who see ourselves as fixers, are actually vulnerable human beings, who have a tendency to move as fast as a speeding bullet, believing our think thanks to be as powerful as a locomotive that crashes into rather than through walls of denial, which prove to be every bit as blindly, defensively impenetrable as is true of our own, In short, I’ve come to liken Fixers (who misperceive of their processors as being akin to super hero status) to The Wizard Of Oz ...
Upon retiring The Fixer in me, my thought processor (which mistook talking and listening skills for super powers, most especially during the heat of conflict) had reason to reconsider the folly of my mistaken self perceptions, which have changed for the better in this regard: I’ve had need to work conscientiously at uncluttering the subconscious portion of my mind by spotlighting hot spots of unresolved anger and fear, which remained so deeply repressed that my think could not differentiate between uprisings of latent unresolved anxiety and today’s fresh anxiety (based in a worry that’s solely connected to whatever is jangling my conscious peace of mind, right now. I also had to stop my processor from believing it had developed super human X-ray vision to see through walls of denial that we’re not my own. I mean, if it’s very difficult to gain insight that spotlights missing keys to unlock the secrets that my subconscious hides from my conscious awareness, what in tarnation is to be gained from knocking my head against walls of denial to which my family, friends and colleagues are blind? In short, I had to grow aware of the fact that it’s an admirable feat to continue to muster the courage and humility to penetrate my persona in hopes of coming to know my real self in depth.
As one insight-driven, intuitive change for the better leads the conscious portion of my think tank to spotlight another, I hope that my processor’s most recent growth spurt will become ever more able to clearly differentiate between subconscious hot spots that trigger yesteryear’s unresolved angst to spike, repeatedly vs current situations that provoke my sense of worry, based solely in what’s gone wrong, today, because that change for the better will prove so profound as to strengthen my ability to make sound use of my self assertive voice to say ‘yea or nay’ while simultaneously maintaining my newly rebalanced state of internal emotional composure, which has grown highly sensitive to acknowledging those times when my well practiced intuitive powers are tuning into the fact that my generous nature is being bullied, passive aggressively, to ignore my basic needs so as to place the needs of another way above my own. Been there ... done with reacting like an indentured servant whose subconscious attitude of unworthiness was so self demeaning as to have cast my human vulnerabilities out into the cold cruel world unless I chose to jump up to serve with a smile before a task master started to whip my think tank into submission by letting loose with a judgment call in such a covert manner of speaking as to have verged on insulting my most admirable character traits until my existential spirit, feeling utterly whipped back into subservience, complied, good naturedlg with every ‘request’ that was actually a demand ... or else.
As a positive consequence of having worked determinedly to unclutter my mind of latent strikes of anxiety that defy common sense, I rarely fear open confrontations with those whose defense systems blind them from identifying their own passive aggressive tendencies, based in egocentricity. And Amen to a change in attitude that proves so peacefully positively focused as to be deeply self liberating!
“My mind was always very cluttered, so I took great pains to simplify my environment, because if my environment was half as cluttered as my mind, I wouldn’t be able to make it from room to room.”
— Leonard Cohen
Leonard Norman Cohen CC GOQ (September 21, 1934 – November 7, 2016) was a Canadian poet, songwriter, singer, musician, and novelist. His work explored religion, politics, isolation, sexuality, and personal relationships.[2] Cohen was inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame, the Canadian Songwriters Hall of Fame, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He was a Companion of the Order of Canada, the nation's highest civilian honour. In 2011, Cohen received one of the Prince of Asturias Awards for literature and the ninth Glenn Gould Prize.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
AS WEARINESS LINGERS, I LISTEN TO MY BODY
The complexity of my thought process within
The previous post has been simplified
And the emergence of additional insights has
Slipped in with those, which had originally been penned
Other than that, my head has been diverted to
Family matters, which I’ll explain once
My lingering weariness, based in
Having being ill for several weeks, lessens
Though it’s true that the replenishment of depleted energy
Requires downtime, time to rest mind and body was
Cut short, earlier in the week
And though I’m still too tired to mine
The depths of my mind for any extended length of time
Here is one insight that my power of intuition can
Spotlight with clarity intact, right off the bat:
Life rarely offers many moments of down time to
Those who have been blessed with many loved ones
The previous post has been simplified
And the emergence of additional insights has
Slipped in with those, which had originally been penned
Other than that, my head has been diverted to
Family matters, which I’ll explain once
My lingering weariness, based in
Having being ill for several weeks, lessens
Though it’s true that the replenishment of depleted energy
Requires downtime, time to rest mind and body was
Cut short, earlier in the week
And though I’m still too tired to mine
The depths of my mind for any extended length of time
Here is one insight that my power of intuition can
Spotlight with clarity intact, right off the bat:
Life rarely offers many moments of down time to
Those who have been blessed with many loved ones
Monday, January 29, 2018
THE STORY I PROMISED HAS NOT BEEN EASY TO WRITE ...
Here’s why it’s taking longer to write this story than those published in earlier posts: At my present comfort level, I have no problem exposing most vulnerabilities, which are my own; however that’s not true when a story, written by me, serves to showcase the developing evolution of the relationship that Will and I shared during the years of our marriage preceding our separation, because two comfort levels have need to be respectfully considered in terms of readiness for public consumption. As I plan to be as truthful as possible (or else why write stories, spotlighting that which we each had need to understand about love, life, each other and ourselves as we advanced from girlfriend/boyfriend to husband and wife, to baby makes three and then four and five?), this is the first story that's not tripping off the end of my tongue as had been true of every story that I’d felt intuitively free to post in the past.
Seriously, as life advances forward from one stage to the next, a person’s sense of privacy may change; however, whether that happens( or when that may happen) is up to each individual's comfort zone to define. As stories about our marriage will reveal details that countless couples would consider secrets, Will’s sense of privacy will be considered as vital as my own.
Having clarified that point concerning privacy, perhaps you can see why writing this story demands whatever time proves necessary as my processor’s connection to intuition experiences sound reason to reconsider specific details, which continue to emerge from distant memory, so that upon making sound use of insight based in hindsight, I can present each of us with as much objectivity as my intelligence has worked to gain so as to describe the ways in which defensive reactions emoting from two egos serve to separate people who love each other into opposing camps. By way of relating this story, I hope to demonstrate why emotional conflicts are exacerbated between loving adults in the absence of skillful communications.
When speaking and listening skills have not been acquired at 'mother’s knee', a child's unidentified fear of disappointing loved ones may experience reason to grow so overwhelming as to silence the self assertive portion of a pleaser's voice at such a young age so that it fails to develop, and when that's the case, here is what results: As opposites attract, a pleaser's life's partner is likely to be a person who has acquired passive aggressive (or overtly aggressive) tendencies during childhood ... as you shall soon see. (BTW: Even now, the think tanks of very few children absorb speaking and listening skills at home. Actually, if more adults absorbed the importance of listening openly and speaking compassionately, the divorce rate would plummet. One day, speaking and listening skills will be learned in school. Why do I believe that? Because, throughout the messed up state of our world, wounded egos are in need of being self-healed before being reined in, and no one can heal the injured portions of your ego or mine without empowering our thought processors with knowledge that is readily available, today, which was not available to my parents.
Classically and sadly, Will and I had no clue as to how often our contrasting defensive attitudes clashed, head on, whenever we'd attempted to work our way through any conflict, most of which proved to be universal and timeless for this classic reason: Once again—common knowledge suggests that throughout the world at large, opposites attract—however, in the absence of talking and listening skills, eventually opposing character traits, which had originally drawn two people together will repel unless personal need to create change for the better (by retiring emotional reactions that got cross-wired during childhood) is identified and actualized on both sides ...
As later in life (mainly after our separation), Will and I chose to read the same psychology texts, concerning the universality of human emotions, autonomic reactions of the nervous system and contrasting behavioral patterns. We also chose to spend copious amounts of time (and $) with therapists, whose expertise was devoted to family practice.
With time, our ability to absorb ever-deepening levels of self awareness with humility intact saw both of us gaining insight into this fact: Heightening levels of emotional maturity require that each person grows toward recognizing those times when conflict resolution depends upon both people consciously placing their egos in time out. Once two ego s have been subdued, solution-seeking leans much more toward the thought processor's connection to intelligence and much less toward defensive reactiveness, because both sides know to muster the courage to listen in depth to each other's point of view in hopes of brainstorming, together, with humility intact so as to identify and openly admit to one's own mistakes in judgment (to which our egos had been blind).
When two people aim to improve our relationships by identifying and rewiring less desirable character traits (which had shaped up, subconsciously, during less mature stages of life), then we can see how clashing egos may run interference with achieving such an admirable goal. Though Will and I have both made sweeping advances in terms of openly embracing dual need for personal growth spurts so as to continue to stride toward heightening levels of emotional maturity, this story is the first one that I’ve ever written, exposing defensive character traits (on both sides) to which Will and I were unaware throughout the first twenty-five years of our marriage.
Once a person’s intelligence masters the courage and humility to work toward conscientiously setting the ego aside so as to summon intuitive trains of thought that mine his/her subconscious for negatively focused attitudes, absorbed during childhood, that's when we begin to see our own egocentric, judgmental character traits that prohibit our smarts to work determinedly toward resolving long standing conflicts so respectfully as to create lasting changes for the better within every relationship that we partake in. And here is why that's true: One change creates another, so that, ever so slowly, little by little, negative cycles reverse.
As you can see, the ego's id is in need of being placed to one side if our mental connection to intelligence is to embrace the humility that proves necessary to strengthen skillful communications whenever solution-seeking is on center stage. And that, my friends, is where heightening our listening skills comes into play. We can listen with humility or with the ego but not both.
Each time a hot spot is poked, a defensive attitude sneaks out of your subconscious or mine so naturally that that is when the ego is doing our listening. As this is a natural human reaction, we must tune into the fact that defensiveness was tapped into so our intelligence can choose to fortify itself to listen less defensively, more intuitively—and as you can imagine, creating this change for the better proves to be a step by step learning process. (When we're born, we don't how to add, subtract, multiply or divide numbers. We are taught those processes one step at a time. ) If, as adults, we did not learn to absorb talking and listening skills during childhood, then we have need to remedy that lack of skill for ourselves. Like mathematics, we go from lower skills to higher in a logical fashion.
As deep thinkers work toward conscientiously retiring self defeating (judgmental thought) processes, absorbed during childhood we begin to experience one personal growth spurt after another in that we come to identify our own naturally limbic reactions (google it), which prove in need of taming if we hope to embrace objective thinking patterns that enable us to continue to advance toward making such good use of intuition as to unmask and modify our own subconscious attitudes, repressed insecurities and judgmental traits, which look down in the nose when the vulnerabilities of others are plainly exposed. Whew!
This winning trifecta of courage, humility and knowledge empowers our processors to work toward creating lasting changes that rebalance and equalize the power structure of our relationships once both people examine early life experiences, which had catalyzed you and your partner to develop unhealthy patterns of thought, so thaeach one's mental reorganization process the absorption of rebalanced, emotionally matured patterns of thought serve to improve your relationship with each other—and more importantly, your relationship with yourself as you both approach the future with a newfound ability to continue to enhance loving, healthy, mutually respectful relationships at every stage of life.
As relating this story with accuracy challenges my long term memory to focus upon a heightened degree of objectivity, I’m finding the writing process to be so deeply thoughtful as to become more time consuming than any story I’ve penned thus far. And as such, this story teller’s true tale is not breezing along on the open highway, full speed ahead, fueled by streams of consciousness as had been true of those stories, which had revealed my adult reflections, concerning personal experiences that had shaped my thinking patterns, character traits and sliding self image, during early childhood. And now, having specified sound reasons that caution my intelligence to consider both sides with whatever patience proves necessary so as not to rattle off this story until my connection to impartiality feels intact, here comes another difference that separates this story from those posted in the past ...
Before this story feels readied for publication, Will will have read it and offered his stamp of approval, because he has respectfully been given the right of refusal to expose anything that his present comfort zone deems too personal for public consumption. Why? Because readiness to expose certain aspects of our dark sides (which everyone harbors) does not necessarily emerge from within two people, simultaneously.
On the other hand, I believe my husband’s comfort level, concerning advances achieved in self awareness, has grown to a place where he’ll nix very few personal details which my present comfort level feels free to bare, and here is why I think that is true: Just as I conscientiously continue to work toward identifying, disclosing, owning up to and rewiring the defensive nature of my egocentric vulnerabilities, so does Will. And when friends ask why he’s consented to my writing about our personal lives, Will replies: Annie teaches family communications. And I’m not that guy, anymore. When people ask why I feel compelled to do this, I reply: I’ve been a family communication’s instructor, who has made sound use of storytelling to offer personal examples of my life, which
served to deepen my conscious connection to self awareness. And I've received permission from Will and our sons to include our entire family when offering up examples, concerning personal growth spurts that strengthen individuals and familial relationships at all stages of life.
Lastly, while I’m working to relate this story with as much conscientious attentiveness to objective detail as is humanly possible, it’s highly likely that I’ll continue to post streams of consciousness, concerning whatever is happening in my daily life, as well. So when those posts show up, please don’t think this story is gathering dust on the shelf.
Being a woman, I've been multi-tasking since the young teacher added 'wifery', motherhood and the authoring of articles for magazine publication to my passionate dedication to achieve success within every aspect of my life that continues to require the same level of excellence from my processor as I'd asked of my sons when each one would say that his nightly homework assignments had been completed. So while concentrating on the task at hand, you can count on me to ask myself: Annie, is this your first attempt or are you planning to publish the best work that my processor can offer?
Seriously, as life advances forward from one stage to the next, a person’s sense of privacy may change; however, whether that happens( or when that may happen) is up to each individual's comfort zone to define. As stories about our marriage will reveal details that countless couples would consider secrets, Will’s sense of privacy will be considered as vital as my own.
Having clarified that point concerning privacy, perhaps you can see why writing this story demands whatever time proves necessary as my processor’s connection to intuition experiences sound reason to reconsider specific details, which continue to emerge from distant memory, so that upon making sound use of insight based in hindsight, I can present each of us with as much objectivity as my intelligence has worked to gain so as to describe the ways in which defensive reactions emoting from two egos serve to separate people who love each other into opposing camps. By way of relating this story, I hope to demonstrate why emotional conflicts are exacerbated between loving adults in the absence of skillful communications.
When speaking and listening skills have not been acquired at 'mother’s knee', a child's unidentified fear of disappointing loved ones may experience reason to grow so overwhelming as to silence the self assertive portion of a pleaser's voice at such a young age so that it fails to develop, and when that's the case, here is what results: As opposites attract, a pleaser's life's partner is likely to be a person who has acquired passive aggressive (or overtly aggressive) tendencies during childhood ... as you shall soon see. (BTW: Even now, the think tanks of very few children absorb speaking and listening skills at home. Actually, if more adults absorbed the importance of listening openly and speaking compassionately, the divorce rate would plummet. One day, speaking and listening skills will be learned in school. Why do I believe that? Because, throughout the messed up state of our world, wounded egos are in need of being self-healed before being reined in, and no one can heal the injured portions of your ego or mine without empowering our thought processors with knowledge that is readily available, today, which was not available to my parents.
Classically and sadly, Will and I had no clue as to how often our contrasting defensive attitudes clashed, head on, whenever we'd attempted to work our way through any conflict, most of which proved to be universal and timeless for this classic reason: Once again—common knowledge suggests that throughout the world at large, opposites attract—however, in the absence of talking and listening skills, eventually opposing character traits, which had originally drawn two people together will repel unless personal need to create change for the better (by retiring emotional reactions that got cross-wired during childhood) is identified and actualized on both sides ...
As later in life (mainly after our separation), Will and I chose to read the same psychology texts, concerning the universality of human emotions, autonomic reactions of the nervous system and contrasting behavioral patterns. We also chose to spend copious amounts of time (and $) with therapists, whose expertise was devoted to family practice.
With time, our ability to absorb ever-deepening levels of self awareness with humility intact saw both of us gaining insight into this fact: Heightening levels of emotional maturity require that each person grows toward recognizing those times when conflict resolution depends upon both people consciously placing their egos in time out. Once two ego s have been subdued, solution-seeking leans much more toward the thought processor's connection to intelligence and much less toward defensive reactiveness, because both sides know to muster the courage to listen in depth to each other's point of view in hopes of brainstorming, together, with humility intact so as to identify and openly admit to one's own mistakes in judgment (to which our egos had been blind).
When two people aim to improve our relationships by identifying and rewiring less desirable character traits (which had shaped up, subconsciously, during less mature stages of life), then we can see how clashing egos may run interference with achieving such an admirable goal. Though Will and I have both made sweeping advances in terms of openly embracing dual need for personal growth spurts so as to continue to stride toward heightening levels of emotional maturity, this story is the first one that I’ve ever written, exposing defensive character traits (on both sides) to which Will and I were unaware throughout the first twenty-five years of our marriage.
Once a person’s intelligence masters the courage and humility to work toward conscientiously setting the ego aside so as to summon intuitive trains of thought that mine his/her subconscious for negatively focused attitudes, absorbed during childhood, that's when we begin to see our own egocentric, judgmental character traits that prohibit our smarts to work determinedly toward resolving long standing conflicts so respectfully as to create lasting changes for the better within every relationship that we partake in. And here is why that's true: One change creates another, so that, ever so slowly, little by little, negative cycles reverse.
As you can see, the ego's id is in need of being placed to one side if our mental connection to intelligence is to embrace the humility that proves necessary to strengthen skillful communications whenever solution-seeking is on center stage. And that, my friends, is where heightening our listening skills comes into play. We can listen with humility or with the ego but not both.
Each time a hot spot is poked, a defensive attitude sneaks out of your subconscious or mine so naturally that that is when the ego is doing our listening. As this is a natural human reaction, we must tune into the fact that defensiveness was tapped into so our intelligence can choose to fortify itself to listen less defensively, more intuitively—and as you can imagine, creating this change for the better proves to be a step by step learning process. (When we're born, we don't how to add, subtract, multiply or divide numbers. We are taught those processes one step at a time. ) If, as adults, we did not learn to absorb talking and listening skills during childhood, then we have need to remedy that lack of skill for ourselves. Like mathematics, we go from lower skills to higher in a logical fashion.
As deep thinkers work toward conscientiously retiring self defeating (judgmental thought) processes, absorbed during childhood we begin to experience one personal growth spurt after another in that we come to identify our own naturally limbic reactions (google it), which prove in need of taming if we hope to embrace objective thinking patterns that enable us to continue to advance toward making such good use of intuition as to unmask and modify our own subconscious attitudes, repressed insecurities and judgmental traits, which look down in the nose when the vulnerabilities of others are plainly exposed. Whew!
This winning trifecta of courage, humility and knowledge empowers our processors to work toward creating lasting changes that rebalance and equalize the power structure of our relationships once both people examine early life experiences, which had catalyzed you and your partner to develop unhealthy patterns of thought, so thaeach one's mental reorganization process the absorption of rebalanced, emotionally matured patterns of thought serve to improve your relationship with each other—and more importantly, your relationship with yourself as you both approach the future with a newfound ability to continue to enhance loving, healthy, mutually respectful relationships at every stage of life.
As relating this story with accuracy challenges my long term memory to focus upon a heightened degree of objectivity, I’m finding the writing process to be so deeply thoughtful as to become more time consuming than any story I’ve penned thus far. And as such, this story teller’s true tale is not breezing along on the open highway, full speed ahead, fueled by streams of consciousness as had been true of those stories, which had revealed my adult reflections, concerning personal experiences that had shaped my thinking patterns, character traits and sliding self image, during early childhood. And now, having specified sound reasons that caution my intelligence to consider both sides with whatever patience proves necessary so as not to rattle off this story until my connection to impartiality feels intact, here comes another difference that separates this story from those posted in the past ...
Before this story feels readied for publication, Will will have read it and offered his stamp of approval, because he has respectfully been given the right of refusal to expose anything that his present comfort zone deems too personal for public consumption. Why? Because readiness to expose certain aspects of our dark sides (which everyone harbors) does not necessarily emerge from within two people, simultaneously.
On the other hand, I believe my husband’s comfort level, concerning advances achieved in self awareness, has grown to a place where he’ll nix very few personal details which my present comfort level feels free to bare, and here is why I think that is true: Just as I conscientiously continue to work toward identifying, disclosing, owning up to and rewiring the defensive nature of my egocentric vulnerabilities, so does Will. And when friends ask why he’s consented to my writing about our personal lives, Will replies: Annie teaches family communications. And I’m not that guy, anymore. When people ask why I feel compelled to do this, I reply: I’ve been a family communication’s instructor, who has made sound use of storytelling to offer personal examples of my life, which
served to deepen my conscious connection to self awareness. And I've received permission from Will and our sons to include our entire family when offering up examples, concerning personal growth spurts that strengthen individuals and familial relationships at all stages of life.
Lastly, while I’m working to relate this story with as much conscientious attentiveness to objective detail as is humanly possible, it’s highly likely that I’ll continue to post streams of consciousness, concerning whatever is happening in my daily life, as well. So when those posts show up, please don’t think this story is gathering dust on the shelf.
Being a woman, I've been multi-tasking since the young teacher added 'wifery', motherhood and the authoring of articles for magazine publication to my passionate dedication to achieve success within every aspect of my life that continues to require the same level of excellence from my processor as I'd asked of my sons when each one would say that his nightly homework assignments had been completed. So while concentrating on the task at hand, you can count on me to ask myself: Annie, is this your first attempt or are you planning to publish the best work that my processor can offer?
Thursday, January 25, 2018
CHANGE FOR THE BETTER: I CHOOSE NOT TO BEAT MYSELF UP
Each person’s vulnerability to insecurity is based in situational experiences occurring during childhood, which have remained emotionally unresolved (and if the experience truly traumatized you, the entire experience or your reaction to it will have been 'forgotten', because denying that it happened or that it affected you terribly differentiates a traumatizing experience from a frightening one). When anything you are doing, today, pokes subconsciously at any aspect of yesteryear’s traumatic experience, your internal reaction will replay the same red hot reaction as had been true when the original experience had fired up your fury or fear (of failure or abandonment). And if whatever happened back then aroused feelings of worthlessness or guilt of reprehensible behavior, you’ll feel worthless and guilty, again. Please keep that insight in mind as today's intuitive train of thought moves forward toward the next:
If your subconsciously repressed insecurity is based in one aspect of life while mine is based in another, then it’s likely that your fear (or anger) and mine will not be aroused at the very same time. And so, if, one of us feels self confident, during conflict, while the other is quaking with repressed anger or fear, leaking out, today’s reaction that seems irrationally over-reactive is actually due to latent anxiety spiking from within your subconscious (or mine), and once we understand that complication, concerning the eruptive force of unidentified insecurity, then what’s to be gained from raining harsh judgments down onto the head of a person, whose mind and spirit are apparently carrying a subconsciously repressed, emotional weight to which he or she may be totally blind and utterly unaware of harboring?
No matter how well we come to know each other and oneself, no one has x-ray vision to see through walls of denial, behind which lurks one’s own subconscious fears, frustrations and furies, any more than we can see into the deep dark pockets of another person's repressed anxieties, and thus—there’s always more to learn about why you act this way when I act that way, suggesting why compassionate questions (even after one feels insulted) will carry us forward toward resolving irrational conflicts than if we release our defense system’s to cast disparaging judgements, back and forth, thus adding weight to a pair of negatively focused attitudes with which we butt heads and end up creating stalemates whenever our defensive choice of words lights a match to each other’s subconscious hot spots, exacerbating power struggles in which bullish horns feel challenged to be sharpened and bared in readiness to do battle for moral high ground or emotional dominance with no chance at all to resolve the original conflict with a well thought out plan, resulting in win/win. Whew!
As I tell my sons ... when everyone else is hotheaded, and you feel as though one more insult to your intelligence will tear your smarts apart at the seams, releasing your inner bull to snort, bellow and lower its horns, that's when we make sound use of our inner line of control by taking a time out, if necessary, right on the spot, to rebalance, reorganize and calm your mind so as to lead yourself to think smart so S to react more logically with most of your intelligence intact. In short, when everyone else’s thoughts are running in circles like chickens without heads, that's not the time to let your ego feel so superior as to get so foxy as to out fox yourself—that is the time to call forth your calming leadership skills in hopes of preventing a situation from going from bad to worse. Sometimes, change for the better has to settle for nothing more than calming the uproar of tension that zings through the air once one person's red button feels reason to flare before your red button pops its lid, as well ...
This suggests that I still appreciate having consciously trained my line of control to come to my aid whenever the think tanks of others have gotten so hot so fast as to boil their smarts in oil rendering their processors to feel so overwhelmed with rolling emotion as to be incapable, at that moment, to think smart instead of think attack. My problem does arise when in the heat of conflict with others. my line of control has become so masterful that I have no clue as to when it doubles up with my persona's wall of denial so that whatever I fear, consciously, today, combines with yesteryear's unresolved anxiety due to an uprising of subconscious insecurity, and after today’s confrontation is over, I feel a tsunami-like wave of fear or anger erupt from deep inside that feels so immense as to flood over my defensive wall of denial, knocking down my well groomed persona, so that no one is more surprised than me to see my pent up storehouse of vitriolic emotion suddenly spewing forth, gushing like a hydrant, whose internal pressure has grown so great as to pop its lid, releasing a geyser of fear or anger or both that spikes so high as to see me sweat, drenching every particle of courage away as rapidly as the quickened beat of my heart shatters my processor’s connection to common sense, which, now that I’m safely alone with my fear, is swept straight out of my brain. Oy! Generally, this Delayed emotional reaction results in the aftermath of a conflict with a person who’d felt need to intimidate my think tank so as to dominate my trains of thoughts, so thank goodness, during the heat of conflict, my well trained line of control rarely fails me ... suggesting why I can save myself from falling apart until I’m alone, at which time my repressed anxiety/anger freely gushes forth. And that’s not a bad thing if I realize that it’s the haunting nature of yesteryear’s unresolved anxiety that’s scaring me, today. To tell you the truth, I’ve never seen that insight, concerning my delYed reaction, as clearly as I do, right now, having written it down. This is important, because the next time I feel exceptionally scared or angry in the aftermath of a conflict with a person I value highly, I’ll remember today’s insight and stop feeling that, somehow, I’m going to pay for having stood my ground by opening my mouth and respectfully having my say with my intelligence leading the way. In short, my voice has finally mustered the adult strength to speak my mind above a squeak without arousing the child within, who worries about being sent to my room if I so much as speak back to another person’s voice of authority. I mean, what pleaser, whose lack of self worth would do that! Double whew! Wow, this insight is huge!!
Thank goodness, insight, concerning my trifecta of subconscious insecurities, surfaced as a unit earlier in the week. I say that because had that not been the case, I’d be beating myself up, subconsciously, for sure, instead of driving this train of insight-ladened thought from one paragraph to the next until intuition suggests that today’s stream of consciousness is ready to pull into the station where today’s Post will prove ready for publication, and here’s why I know that had the trifecta not shown up, earlier in the week, I’d be beating my self worth black and blue, today:
Will was scheduled for oral surgery, which would have taken place this morning
Upon my return from the doctor, my husband called
His oral surgeon to postpone his surgery, because rather than
My taking care of him, over the next few days as planned
Will will still be taking care of me—and that turn about rouses my
Insecurity of feeling worthless if I'm supposed to take care of a loved one
But can't—the irrationality of whipping myself for being ill makes sense to
My adult conscious mind, and with a session of EMDR, hopefully
My therapist and I will work on healing me from beating myself up for
"Disappointing' Will—who, thoughtfully, did not 'act out' his disappointment
Though my intuitive powers could not be fooled into believing that he’d felt
100% okay with postponement—thankfully, I made good use of
My voice to let him know that I was giving myself a hard time while
He did not—and as we talked and commiserated about his feelings and mine
The inner tension, based in my feeling unworthy of his love, which
I became aware of as soon as my self-defeating feeling arose, irrationally
From deep within myself, began to subside, and as my intuitive powers took
Command over both sides of my brain, offering me insight into
My childish insecurity, my adult connection to kindness and compassion
Arose to silently calm that insecure portion of my self esteem off of
The ledge where self demeaning trains of thought had previously
Pushed me to isolate myself and my vulnerabilities into
A solitary dungeon of my own making ... and as situations, like
This one pinpoint exactly what I'd wanted to discuss with
My therapist, it is reassuring to know that the bright side of
My processor saw fit to cancel that appointment in
Favor of seeing my internist, because the Z-pak is already
Making short work of the bacterial infection that attacked
My bronchia as a complication of the Flu—I know this as true
Because more energy is flowing through me than I've felt
For weeks, suggesting (hopefully) that my immune system has
Foiled the Flu and is now bolstering the Z-Pak that's at work
Diminishing the invasion of gazillions of bacteria within
My breathing space—in fact, when Will arrived home from
Grocery shopping, a short while ago, he and I enjoyed
A short walk in the sunshine—something that
I've not had the energy to do for weeks, and
In addition to that change for the better, rather than
Penning this post on my iPad while lying prone in my bed
I've been sitting at my computer, suggesting
My head is holding itself upright, once again, on my neck
Had my trifecta of lifelong insecurities not surfaced and
Shown themselves to me when I had need to think smart
I'd surely have subconsciously beat myself up, feeling that
The postponement of Will's surgery was 'my fault'
And had I faulted myself, no one but me would have
Stripped my self image of self respect by tying
My naked vulnerabilities to a whipping post, where
My lack of super human strength would have lashed me with
Undeserved guilt due to my feeling unworthy of
My husband’s loving attentiveness, since
It was supposed to be my turn to take loving care of him, and
Here’s where the irrationality of a brain injured during
Early childhood by PTSD would have come into play, locking up
My intelligent connection to logic within
The tunnel-like dungeon of my mind where
Self disparaging trains of thoughts would have sucker punched
My strength of spirit had my intuitive powers not consciously
Coached my processor’s connection to insight to
Pen those posts, thus spotlighting my greatest vulnerabilities so
As to signal my conscious awareness to get a grip on
The fact that rather than healing from the flu, I was, somehow, taking
A turn for the worse, and had I not penned those posts
I would have been so angry with myself for 'letting Will down' that
I would have felt as unlovable as had been true when I was three
In the aftermath of my baby sister's death, when a little girl had
Need of reassurance but none of the deeply aggrieved adults had
A clue of the fact that during the terrible months ahead, I'd felt so unloved
And emotionally abandoned as to have developed a worry, concerning
My being unlovable unless I was taking good care of
Other people’s needs ... and when we feel unloveable it is common to
Feel that others can’t find much to love about us, as well, and so
As is true of every vicious cycle, when your brain's dark (subconscious)
Side leaps forth to shadow your bright (conscious) side, and you can’t see much
Worth loving about yourself, you, too, become your worst enemy just as
I would have been mine had previous sessions of EMDR therapy not
Set my thinking cap on the right track toward conveying
My self image back to center whenever the next arousal of
Subconscious insecurity creates a state of static-like havoc within
My present frame of mind, creating a train wreck of my private thoughts
And so—at times when unresolved repressed insecurity is the culprit that
Creates my darkening frame of mind, deeming me guilty of not being
As super human as my ego would have me believe is true
Hanging on to my self respect and self love comes hard, blinding me to
Darken my own most lovable traits, which have developed, over
My lifetime, which I know is true, because most everyone who
Loves and respects me just as I am apparently love me more than
I love myself —and if you ask why I’d pressured myself to
Get well—well, I'd reply:
For the past several days, Will kept asking me if I thought
I’d feel well enough to drive him home from the periodontist and
Take care of him in the aftermath of his oral surgery—so—for days
I’ve been reassuring him (and me) that I’ll be able to do that very thing as if
The strength of my positively focused attitude is a super power that
Is empowered to conduct my recovery full speed ahead by
The sheer will of my heartfelt determination to take good care of him
However, as the days continued to pass, and my recovery stalled
My intuition coached me to write those posts, which
Brought the trifecta of my greatest, self defeating vulnerabilities
Out into the open, so that the egocentric portion of my mind could
No longer hide the truth of my very real, physical vulnerability behind
My wall of emotional denial, and in addition to coaching
My smarts to write those posts my intuitive powers directed me to
Reread my own insight driven trains of thought, again and again, leading
Me to ask in hindsight—had my brain's intuitive powers been in tune with
The fact that my immune system had begun to do battle with
The tag team of virus compounded by the buildup of bacteria, infecting
My bronchial tract? Your guess, concerning the countless capabilities of
The human brain (which oversees the general welfare of each human being) is
As good as mine—so all that my limited knowledge can say for certain is this:
Somehow, my intuition directed my processor to pen those posts in such
A timely as fashion as to offer my self awareness reason to absorb
Those specific trains of thought more consciously than ever before
And therefore, my strength of spirit, rather than wilting, stood up and
Encouraged the conscious portion of my think tank to
Choose an emotional reaction and make sound use of my voice so as
Not to chastise myself with so little mercy as to beat up
My human vulnerability to infectious complications, which are
Filling hospital beds with patients, fighting pneumonia, which, hopefully
My decision-maker has staved off, and if you ask what would have
Been my reaction to bacterial infection had those posts not been
Written before Will felt need to call the oral surgeon to postpone his surgery
Well, I have a feeling that subconscious insecurity, still in need of healing
Might have beat my spirit up, pretty soundly—
Thank goodness, Will’s loving, well-balanced approach to
Problem solving matches mine, as we've both engaged in
Therapy for years, ever since our separation catalyzed us to
Feel need to follow Socrates' advice: Know thyself
Suggesting why both he and I continue to choose to learn
More about the role played by insecurities, which, remaining
Unhealed, still have the power to create emotional havoc within
Both of our minds—you see, I know how much he’s looked forward to
Getting past this surgery and the painful recovery to follow, suggesting
That I knew, full well, that Will was swallowing his disappointment
For my sake—As Will knows how crushing it is for me to disappoint
Anyone I love, my husband knew to say, reassuringly, ‘Annie, don’t beat
Yourself up for being too ill to take care of me—this is beyond
Your control and mine as well—and I can’t tell you how much
Those words, based in love and generosity of spirit, meant to
One such as me, who, though my smarts fully agreed, had need to
Hear my husband say exactly that so as to encourage my smarts to
Lock up my lifelong habit of self flagellation, which
In the past would have dominated my think tank so quickly as to
Have knocked my smarts right out of my conscious mind ...
And in addition to PTSD arising from within the injured portion of
My self image to punch the lights out of my smarts for
My temporary inability to take care of Will, this week
Celina was diagnosed with need to surgically remove
Her uterus, which has swelled to five times its normal size
And due to the size of the swelling, laproscopic surgery is
Not an option, so she’s facing an open surgery followed by
A two month recovery ...
Her surgery is scheduled for this coming Monday, and here I am
Contagious and bedridden, unable to take care of
Will or Ravi while my daughter-in-law (who is on
Pain medication) awaits her surgery ...
Had all of this happened before my intuitive directive fully
Expose my trifecta of self demeaning life long vulnerabilities
I'm certain that repressed insecurity would have manifested
Itself as anxiety, based in inner conflict (self love vs. self hate)
Every bit as irrationally as pressuring myself to muster more energy to
Smite these infections, perhaps causing a rise in my blood pressure due to
Having subconsciously condemned myself of being incapable of
Helping, therefore deeming myself unworthy of love ...
So you can see why, today, most especially
I feel peacefully relieved to say that rather than beating myself up
I have sound reason to thank my good fortune for having chosen
A life's path upon which my processor has been empowered to
Embrace each personal growth spurt, which has enabled my
Growing sense of wholeness to expand, naturally, graciously and
Faithfully by directing my connection to self awareness to follow
My power of intuition’s relentless determination to
Seek out professional help until the existential path that
I’ve carved for myself intersected with the path of a therapist (versed
In EMDR), whose expertise in this specific aspect of psychology has been
Conscientiously, compassionately and successfully guiding
My inner need to heal the deeply injured portions of my self image from
Succumbing to future episodic uprising of latent anxiety, based in
PPTSD, and ...
If you ask how my intuitive powers called upon hindsight to
Awaken my connection to insight, which offered me
The foresight to pen those posts, spotlighting my trifecta of
Emotional vulnerabilities, which lined up in such a timely fashion as to
Offer my conscious mind sound reason to take
This week’s leap of faith away from the ledge so that logical thought
Saw me cancelling my therapist in favor of seeing my internist
I have a story to tell you when next we meet ...
As for now, I’m in need of electrolyte water to drink and protein to eat ...
If your subconsciously repressed insecurity is based in one aspect of life while mine is based in another, then it’s likely that your fear (or anger) and mine will not be aroused at the very same time. And so, if, one of us feels self confident, during conflict, while the other is quaking with repressed anger or fear, leaking out, today’s reaction that seems irrationally over-reactive is actually due to latent anxiety spiking from within your subconscious (or mine), and once we understand that complication, concerning the eruptive force of unidentified insecurity, then what’s to be gained from raining harsh judgments down onto the head of a person, whose mind and spirit are apparently carrying a subconsciously repressed, emotional weight to which he or she may be totally blind and utterly unaware of harboring?
No matter how well we come to know each other and oneself, no one has x-ray vision to see through walls of denial, behind which lurks one’s own subconscious fears, frustrations and furies, any more than we can see into the deep dark pockets of another person's repressed anxieties, and thus—there’s always more to learn about why you act this way when I act that way, suggesting why compassionate questions (even after one feels insulted) will carry us forward toward resolving irrational conflicts than if we release our defense system’s to cast disparaging judgements, back and forth, thus adding weight to a pair of negatively focused attitudes with which we butt heads and end up creating stalemates whenever our defensive choice of words lights a match to each other’s subconscious hot spots, exacerbating power struggles in which bullish horns feel challenged to be sharpened and bared in readiness to do battle for moral high ground or emotional dominance with no chance at all to resolve the original conflict with a well thought out plan, resulting in win/win. Whew!
As I tell my sons ... when everyone else is hotheaded, and you feel as though one more insult to your intelligence will tear your smarts apart at the seams, releasing your inner bull to snort, bellow and lower its horns, that's when we make sound use of our inner line of control by taking a time out, if necessary, right on the spot, to rebalance, reorganize and calm your mind so as to lead yourself to think smart so S to react more logically with most of your intelligence intact. In short, when everyone else’s thoughts are running in circles like chickens without heads, that's not the time to let your ego feel so superior as to get so foxy as to out fox yourself—that is the time to call forth your calming leadership skills in hopes of preventing a situation from going from bad to worse. Sometimes, change for the better has to settle for nothing more than calming the uproar of tension that zings through the air once one person's red button feels reason to flare before your red button pops its lid, as well ...
This suggests that I still appreciate having consciously trained my line of control to come to my aid whenever the think tanks of others have gotten so hot so fast as to boil their smarts in oil rendering their processors to feel so overwhelmed with rolling emotion as to be incapable, at that moment, to think smart instead of think attack. My problem does arise when in the heat of conflict with others. my line of control has become so masterful that I have no clue as to when it doubles up with my persona's wall of denial so that whatever I fear, consciously, today, combines with yesteryear's unresolved anxiety due to an uprising of subconscious insecurity, and after today’s confrontation is over, I feel a tsunami-like wave of fear or anger erupt from deep inside that feels so immense as to flood over my defensive wall of denial, knocking down my well groomed persona, so that no one is more surprised than me to see my pent up storehouse of vitriolic emotion suddenly spewing forth, gushing like a hydrant, whose internal pressure has grown so great as to pop its lid, releasing a geyser of fear or anger or both that spikes so high as to see me sweat, drenching every particle of courage away as rapidly as the quickened beat of my heart shatters my processor’s connection to common sense, which, now that I’m safely alone with my fear, is swept straight out of my brain. Oy! Generally, this Delayed emotional reaction results in the aftermath of a conflict with a person who’d felt need to intimidate my think tank so as to dominate my trains of thoughts, so thank goodness, during the heat of conflict, my well trained line of control rarely fails me ... suggesting why I can save myself from falling apart until I’m alone, at which time my repressed anxiety/anger freely gushes forth. And that’s not a bad thing if I realize that it’s the haunting nature of yesteryear’s unresolved anxiety that’s scaring me, today. To tell you the truth, I’ve never seen that insight, concerning my delYed reaction, as clearly as I do, right now, having written it down. This is important, because the next time I feel exceptionally scared or angry in the aftermath of a conflict with a person I value highly, I’ll remember today’s insight and stop feeling that, somehow, I’m going to pay for having stood my ground by opening my mouth and respectfully having my say with my intelligence leading the way. In short, my voice has finally mustered the adult strength to speak my mind above a squeak without arousing the child within, who worries about being sent to my room if I so much as speak back to another person’s voice of authority. I mean, what pleaser, whose lack of self worth would do that! Double whew! Wow, this insight is huge!!
Thank goodness, insight, concerning my trifecta of subconscious insecurities, surfaced as a unit earlier in the week. I say that because had that not been the case, I’d be beating myself up, subconsciously, for sure, instead of driving this train of insight-ladened thought from one paragraph to the next until intuition suggests that today’s stream of consciousness is ready to pull into the station where today’s Post will prove ready for publication, and here’s why I know that had the trifecta not shown up, earlier in the week, I’d be beating my self worth black and blue, today:
Will was scheduled for oral surgery, which would have taken place this morning
Upon my return from the doctor, my husband called
His oral surgeon to postpone his surgery, because rather than
My taking care of him, over the next few days as planned
Will will still be taking care of me—and that turn about rouses my
Insecurity of feeling worthless if I'm supposed to take care of a loved one
But can't—the irrationality of whipping myself for being ill makes sense to
My adult conscious mind, and with a session of EMDR, hopefully
My therapist and I will work on healing me from beating myself up for
"Disappointing' Will—who, thoughtfully, did not 'act out' his disappointment
Though my intuitive powers could not be fooled into believing that he’d felt
100% okay with postponement—thankfully, I made good use of
My voice to let him know that I was giving myself a hard time while
He did not—and as we talked and commiserated about his feelings and mine
The inner tension, based in my feeling unworthy of his love, which
I became aware of as soon as my self-defeating feeling arose, irrationally
From deep within myself, began to subside, and as my intuitive powers took
Command over both sides of my brain, offering me insight into
My childish insecurity, my adult connection to kindness and compassion
Arose to silently calm that insecure portion of my self esteem off of
The ledge where self demeaning trains of thought had previously
Pushed me to isolate myself and my vulnerabilities into
A solitary dungeon of my own making ... and as situations, like
This one pinpoint exactly what I'd wanted to discuss with
My therapist, it is reassuring to know that the bright side of
My processor saw fit to cancel that appointment in
Favor of seeing my internist, because the Z-pak is already
Making short work of the bacterial infection that attacked
My bronchia as a complication of the Flu—I know this as true
Because more energy is flowing through me than I've felt
For weeks, suggesting (hopefully) that my immune system has
Foiled the Flu and is now bolstering the Z-Pak that's at work
Diminishing the invasion of gazillions of bacteria within
My breathing space—in fact, when Will arrived home from
Grocery shopping, a short while ago, he and I enjoyed
A short walk in the sunshine—something that
I've not had the energy to do for weeks, and
In addition to that change for the better, rather than
Penning this post on my iPad while lying prone in my bed
I've been sitting at my computer, suggesting
My head is holding itself upright, once again, on my neck
Had my trifecta of lifelong insecurities not surfaced and
Shown themselves to me when I had need to think smart
I'd surely have subconsciously beat myself up, feeling that
The postponement of Will's surgery was 'my fault'
And had I faulted myself, no one but me would have
Stripped my self image of self respect by tying
My naked vulnerabilities to a whipping post, where
My lack of super human strength would have lashed me with
Undeserved guilt due to my feeling unworthy of
My husband’s loving attentiveness, since
It was supposed to be my turn to take loving care of him, and
Here’s where the irrationality of a brain injured during
Early childhood by PTSD would have come into play, locking up
My intelligent connection to logic within
The tunnel-like dungeon of my mind where
Self disparaging trains of thoughts would have sucker punched
My strength of spirit had my intuitive powers not consciously
Coached my processor’s connection to insight to
Pen those posts, thus spotlighting my greatest vulnerabilities so
As to signal my conscious awareness to get a grip on
The fact that rather than healing from the flu, I was, somehow, taking
A turn for the worse, and had I not penned those posts
I would have been so angry with myself for 'letting Will down' that
I would have felt as unlovable as had been true when I was three
In the aftermath of my baby sister's death, when a little girl had
Need of reassurance but none of the deeply aggrieved adults had
A clue of the fact that during the terrible months ahead, I'd felt so unloved
And emotionally abandoned as to have developed a worry, concerning
My being unlovable unless I was taking good care of
Other people’s needs ... and when we feel unloveable it is common to
Feel that others can’t find much to love about us, as well, and so
As is true of every vicious cycle, when your brain's dark (subconscious)
Side leaps forth to shadow your bright (conscious) side, and you can’t see much
Worth loving about yourself, you, too, become your worst enemy just as
I would have been mine had previous sessions of EMDR therapy not
Set my thinking cap on the right track toward conveying
My self image back to center whenever the next arousal of
Subconscious insecurity creates a state of static-like havoc within
My present frame of mind, creating a train wreck of my private thoughts
And so—at times when unresolved repressed insecurity is the culprit that
Creates my darkening frame of mind, deeming me guilty of not being
As super human as my ego would have me believe is true
Hanging on to my self respect and self love comes hard, blinding me to
Darken my own most lovable traits, which have developed, over
My lifetime, which I know is true, because most everyone who
Loves and respects me just as I am apparently love me more than
I love myself —and if you ask why I’d pressured myself to
Get well—well, I'd reply:
For the past several days, Will kept asking me if I thought
I’d feel well enough to drive him home from the periodontist and
Take care of him in the aftermath of his oral surgery—so—for days
I’ve been reassuring him (and me) that I’ll be able to do that very thing as if
The strength of my positively focused attitude is a super power that
Is empowered to conduct my recovery full speed ahead by
The sheer will of my heartfelt determination to take good care of him
However, as the days continued to pass, and my recovery stalled
My intuition coached me to write those posts, which
Brought the trifecta of my greatest, self defeating vulnerabilities
Out into the open, so that the egocentric portion of my mind could
No longer hide the truth of my very real, physical vulnerability behind
My wall of emotional denial, and in addition to coaching
My smarts to write those posts my intuitive powers directed me to
Reread my own insight driven trains of thought, again and again, leading
Me to ask in hindsight—had my brain's intuitive powers been in tune with
The fact that my immune system had begun to do battle with
The tag team of virus compounded by the buildup of bacteria, infecting
My bronchial tract? Your guess, concerning the countless capabilities of
The human brain (which oversees the general welfare of each human being) is
As good as mine—so all that my limited knowledge can say for certain is this:
Somehow, my intuition directed my processor to pen those posts in such
A timely as fashion as to offer my self awareness reason to absorb
Those specific trains of thought more consciously than ever before
And therefore, my strength of spirit, rather than wilting, stood up and
Encouraged the conscious portion of my think tank to
Choose an emotional reaction and make sound use of my voice so as
Not to chastise myself with so little mercy as to beat up
My human vulnerability to infectious complications, which are
Filling hospital beds with patients, fighting pneumonia, which, hopefully
My decision-maker has staved off, and if you ask what would have
Been my reaction to bacterial infection had those posts not been
Written before Will felt need to call the oral surgeon to postpone his surgery
Well, I have a feeling that subconscious insecurity, still in need of healing
Might have beat my spirit up, pretty soundly—
Thank goodness, Will’s loving, well-balanced approach to
Problem solving matches mine, as we've both engaged in
Therapy for years, ever since our separation catalyzed us to
Feel need to follow Socrates' advice: Know thyself
Suggesting why both he and I continue to choose to learn
More about the role played by insecurities, which, remaining
Unhealed, still have the power to create emotional havoc within
Both of our minds—you see, I know how much he’s looked forward to
Getting past this surgery and the painful recovery to follow, suggesting
That I knew, full well, that Will was swallowing his disappointment
For my sake—As Will knows how crushing it is for me to disappoint
Anyone I love, my husband knew to say, reassuringly, ‘Annie, don’t beat
Yourself up for being too ill to take care of me—this is beyond
Your control and mine as well—and I can’t tell you how much
Those words, based in love and generosity of spirit, meant to
One such as me, who, though my smarts fully agreed, had need to
Hear my husband say exactly that so as to encourage my smarts to
Lock up my lifelong habit of self flagellation, which
In the past would have dominated my think tank so quickly as to
Have knocked my smarts right out of my conscious mind ...
And in addition to PTSD arising from within the injured portion of
My self image to punch the lights out of my smarts for
My temporary inability to take care of Will, this week
Celina was diagnosed with need to surgically remove
Her uterus, which has swelled to five times its normal size
And due to the size of the swelling, laproscopic surgery is
Not an option, so she’s facing an open surgery followed by
A two month recovery ...
Her surgery is scheduled for this coming Monday, and here I am
Contagious and bedridden, unable to take care of
Will or Ravi while my daughter-in-law (who is on
Pain medication) awaits her surgery ...
Had all of this happened before my intuitive directive fully
Expose my trifecta of self demeaning life long vulnerabilities
I'm certain that repressed insecurity would have manifested
Itself as anxiety, based in inner conflict (self love vs. self hate)
Every bit as irrationally as pressuring myself to muster more energy to
Smite these infections, perhaps causing a rise in my blood pressure due to
Having subconsciously condemned myself of being incapable of
Helping, therefore deeming myself unworthy of love ...
So you can see why, today, most especially
I feel peacefully relieved to say that rather than beating myself up
I have sound reason to thank my good fortune for having chosen
A life's path upon which my processor has been empowered to
Embrace each personal growth spurt, which has enabled my
Growing sense of wholeness to expand, naturally, graciously and
Faithfully by directing my connection to self awareness to follow
My power of intuition’s relentless determination to
Seek out professional help until the existential path that
I’ve carved for myself intersected with the path of a therapist (versed
In EMDR), whose expertise in this specific aspect of psychology has been
Conscientiously, compassionately and successfully guiding
My inner need to heal the deeply injured portions of my self image from
Succumbing to future episodic uprising of latent anxiety, based in
PPTSD, and ...
If you ask how my intuitive powers called upon hindsight to
Awaken my connection to insight, which offered me
The foresight to pen those posts, spotlighting my trifecta of
Emotional vulnerabilities, which lined up in such a timely fashion as to
Offer my conscious mind sound reason to take
This week’s leap of faith away from the ledge so that logical thought
Saw me cancelling my therapist in favor of seeing my internist
I have a story to tell you when next we meet ...
As for now, I’m in need of electrolyte water to drink and protein to eat ...
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
RETURNED TO THE DOCTOR, GOOGLED FLU
First things first:
Yesterday’s post was in need of simplifying by way of editing. So editing is what I did, upon awakening, late last night. And now, moving forward ...
Thought I was getting over the flu. Yesterday, I had reason to think otherwise. Apparently, my original thought missed the target, because, I got to feeling feverish, dizzied and my cough returned, and coughing up mucus, which is not even close to clear, indicates that rather than being down for the count, infection is challenging my immune system to go another round ...
So after cancelling my appointment with my therapist, back to the doctor I went after Angie offered to drive me (would I have asked for her help? Unlikely, because my dear friend has need to work full time). Fortunately, Angie offered, knowing that Will was scheduled to report his professional findings at
The Industrial Commission, yesterday afternoon. So, upon returning home with a Z-Pak in hand, I began to combat a bacterial infection, which is currently attacking the bronchial network of my lungs while my immune system remains preoccupied battling the flu virus. Geez!
As you know, when not napping, I tether my brain to two life lines, each of which saves my sanity from drowning in mental sludge.
While awake, I’m most assuredly reading or writing, so, after the doctor told me to eat more and go back to bed, I ate a banana, drank water with electrolytes and googled The Flu, and the rest of this post will quote that which I’ve sought to learn about this fierce strain of virus that’s driving droves of people into doctors’ offices, across the nation:
“It's not the virus that makes you feel miserable. The misery stems from inflammation, the result of an immune system in "code red!" All of your body's energy is being used to slay the flu; you can hardly muster the energy to walk to the bathroom.
To keep dead cell debris from clogging up your lungs, you develop a dry cough. Your throat starts to ache from the irritation, which can trigger a release of mucus. A saline nasal flush might help.
The only things that can really help you now, are your
antibodies and T cells, which are locking on to their targets. You're stuck in bed. (If you started taking prescription Tamiflu right away, you might recover a bit faster; otherwise, don't bother with vitamin C or other OTC fix-its. Stick with tons of fluids and rest.)
antibodies and T cells, which are locking on to their targets. You're stuck in bed. (If you started taking prescription Tamiflu right away, you might recover a bit faster; otherwise, don't bother with vitamin C or other OTC fix-its. Stick with tons of fluids and rest.)
If you're really unlucky, normally harmless throat bacteria have descended into your lungs to feed on dead cell remnants, putting you at risk for pneumonia. (Good thing I chose to see the doctor, today.). After about a week or two,
assuming you've escaped pneumonia, your immune system finally stamps out the flu virus. Whew. Your inflammation slowly subsides, as do your symptoms. But you may still be contagious for a day or two more--and it may take another week to feel like your normal, healthy self. Moving forward,
Wash your hands. It's the single best way you can fend off a new flu virus. Scrub your mitts with soap under running water for at least 20 seconds after shaking hands with people or touching communal stuff like a bathroom stall.
Sources: David Greenberg, M.D., Sanofi Pasteur; Walter Orenstein, M.D., Emory University School of Medicine; Flor Munoz, M.D., Baylor College of Medicine; William Schaffner, M.D., Vanderbilt University School of Medicine
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
THE MERGING OF A TRIFECTA OF AWARENESSES
Yesterday’s insight-driven train of thought pulled a trilogy of personal vulnerabilities into a station where yesteryear’s emotional storehouse of baggage is still in need of being methodically unpacked so that my intelligence can get to work mending the Great Divide that tore my self esteem into two opposing parts at the age of three, suggesting that two Annies, one as Consciously courageous as the other proves Subconsciously fearful, have taken turns controlling my mind, spirit and body, and now that both have grown to care so much about one another’s welfare as to work as a unit toward knitting together the frayed edges of their boundaries so as to make good use of the years that lie directly ahead by asking my therapist to guide me to piece together a quilt made of insights, concerning the interrelated nature of my vulnerabilities, in which my peace of mind can unwind, relax and reflect over a life well lived ... and what, I ask, can be a more healthily productive way to approach this fourth stage of my life than to envision my wholesome self weaving strength born of self love into each aspect of self healing, which proves in need of being more fully absorbed ...
As to the third aspect of the trifecta of awarenessss indicated within the title of today’s post, vulnerability number three was added to yesterday’s train of thought, this morning, after I awakened feeling intuitive need to backtrack, at which time a third personal weakness slipped into my line of vision alongside of the original two, so in hopes of having challenged your curiosity to arise, you’ll find the completed trifecta in the post previous to today’s.
Wach time the interrelated nature of this highly personal trifecta of vulnerabilities comes in first, second and third, my self worth, comes in, not only last but lame. And so, having clarified the existence of this trifecta, we can clearly envision exactly what has been in need of change for the betterment of my self esteem, beginning at the tender age of three at which time my fear of a loved one’s death and my undeveloped connection to self worth formed the tag team that still is empowered to puncture my spirit and pummel my inner strengths into pulp until my connection to personal safety goes down for the count ...
As today’s insight driven train of thought serves as an addendum to the post penned yesterday, I feel hopeful that each of these astute awarenesses will empower my think tank to lead my vulnerabilities toward healing from experiencing the episodic nature of PTSD, repeatedly, by directing my intelligence (without shadows of self doubt dimming my way) toward engineering my processor’s absorption of self esteem so strengthened as to beckon my spirit to ascend out from whatever is left of my deeply troubled, many layered subconscious tunnel so that my self worth will no longer stumble into yesteryear’s cavernous darkness where undeserved guilt born of human vulnerability has caused me to hang my head in shame, unnecessarily ...
As to the third aspect of the trifecta of awarenessss indicated within the title of today’s post, vulnerability number three was added to yesterday’s train of thought, this morning, after I awakened feeling intuitive need to backtrack, at which time a third personal weakness slipped into my line of vision alongside of the original two, so in hopes of having challenged your curiosity to arise, you’ll find the completed trifecta in the post previous to today’s.
Wach time the interrelated nature of this highly personal trifecta of vulnerabilities comes in first, second and third, my self worth, comes in, not only last but lame. And so, having clarified the existence of this trifecta, we can clearly envision exactly what has been in need of change for the betterment of my self esteem, beginning at the tender age of three at which time my fear of a loved one’s death and my undeveloped connection to self worth formed the tag team that still is empowered to puncture my spirit and pummel my inner strengths into pulp until my connection to personal safety goes down for the count ...
As today’s insight driven train of thought serves as an addendum to the post penned yesterday, I feel hopeful that each of these astute awarenesses will empower my think tank to lead my vulnerabilities toward healing from experiencing the episodic nature of PTSD, repeatedly, by directing my intelligence (without shadows of self doubt dimming my way) toward engineering my processor’s absorption of self esteem so strengthened as to beckon my spirit to ascend out from whatever is left of my deeply troubled, many layered subconscious tunnel so that my self worth will no longer stumble into yesteryear’s cavernous darkness where undeserved guilt born of human vulnerability has caused me to hang my head in shame, unnecessarily ...
Monday, January 22, 2018
MY LINE OF EMOTIONAL CONTROL NEEDS LOOSENING—BIGTIME!
Welcome back! Though I write in hopes of seeing more of myself than denial might allow for, I rely on your respectful support more than I’m inclined to show. So, when your numbers swell after an absence, my spirit smiles and my mind sighs with relief.
As is true of many others (for a variety of reasons), it’s been my life long habit to repress that which is deemed socially unacceptable emotion behind my defense system’s wall of denial to the point of over saturation until every fiber of my being feels need to spew forth impassioned fires, which, if left to burn ever more persistently within, would realistically roast my brain’s connection to clarity to a crisp, suggestive of my need to loosen the tight rein that inevitably (though, rarely) results in a ferocity of emotion gushing geyser-like through my suddenly shattered wall of self restraint. Whew! Needless to say, when my energy is diverted toward healing from illness, my inner strengths, which I depend upon to keep myself centered, are seriously compromised.
Another lifelong, unhealthy habit, which has become second nature to me, blinds my growing sense of self awareness from recognizing those times when I’m beating myself up until a loved one takes me around and compassionately coaches me to drop the whip and switch mental tracks toward thinking so smart as to offer myself the same degree of generosity of spirit and loving kindness that I've been taught to offer everyone else.
Though Ive been working to recreate my self image to match reality for several years, this truth has grown apparent, once again: The interrelated nature of both of those highly significant goals continue to remain beyond my reach, most especially at those times when my human vulnerabilities, having had sound reason to arise, outwhelm my inner strengths, and my voice, which fearlessly champions the vulnerabilities in others, is silenced by the boulder of insecurity that manifests within my throat, barring me from summoning help for myself ... and thus has a third self-defeating habit lined up to complete this trifecta of personal weaknesses that my ego has glaringly blinded me from recognizing as my greatest foe.
Had professional awareness of my self demeaning mistreatment of myself been clarified for my family when I was a child, the severity of my repressed fear of anger, (most especially my own) may have surfaced and been extinguished many decades ago rather than having offered this fault line so much time to have burned a wedge ever more deeply within my think tank—though reflection suggests that subconsciously repressed emotion kept itching within me as if my nervous system kept sending SOS signals to my intelligence concerning my desperate need to air my fears and openly express my anger in hopes of healing my shattered self image, which must precede the restoration of my connection to peace of mind, but since all of that psychological jargon was not yet common knowledge, no one uncovered the fact that my inability to express the depth of my emotional reaction to the confounding upheaval that evolved in the aftermath of my baby sister's death was manifesting itself within the relentless way that I'd scratched at my skin as if self mutilation might loosen the hold of impassioned emotion, which, remaining imprisoned within my subconscious, burrowed ever more unhealthily under my skin until recent years when my current therapist, versed in PTSD, honed in on my need to decipher this secret code that my body kept sending to my intuitive intelligence: Help! I’m in pain from attacking every one of my human vulnerabilities, which I'm determined to hide from my egocentric conscious self for as long as is humanly possible! Please! Someone help me to mend this inner conflict that divided my self image into two separate parts so that the torn state of my peace of mind can finally heal. Whew!
REPRESSION OF IMPASSIONED EMOTION IS NOT A WELL-BALANCED WAY TO LIVE
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT MY POWER OF INTUITION HAS FORCED MY HAND HOLD MY INTUITIVE INTELLIGENCE ACCOUNTABLE FOR GROWING EVER MORE AWARE OF THE FACT THAT MY LINE OF CONTROL HAS GROWN BEYOND THAT POINT WHICH PROVES CLEARLY HEALTHY AND REALITY CENTERED ...
MY LINE OF CONTROL HAS GROWN SO TIGHTLY COILED AS TO CHOKE OFF MY SENSE OF CLARITY FROM IDENTIFYING THOSE TIMES WHEN MY INTELLIGENCE NEEDS TO THROW MY THINK TANK A ROPE THAT WILL TETHER MY CONNECTION TO WHOLENESS TO CLARITY NO MATTER HOW SCARY OR INFURIATING REALITY PROVES TO BE.
MY INTELLIGENCE NEEDS TO RELEASE THE REAL ME TO MUSTER THE COURAGE TO MAKE SOUND USE OF MY VOICE TO SAY: I’M REALLY SCARED! AND THAT'S OKAY!
OR TO SHOUT: I’M SO ANGRY FOR SOUND REASON!
I need to release my line of control so as to free my intelligence to embrace the fact that during times of personal vulnerability fate will not lock me in solitary for not using my smile of leadership as my invincible shield ... and that deeper truth will surely have need to grow more in-synche with reality as all of me continues to age.
As a small, frightened child, living in a home gone mad with anger born of impassioned confusion and searing grief, I watched death shatter my whole life, catalyzing my self protective defense system to erect a wall of denial dividing my undeveloped processor into two separate halves, wherein courage to trek forth ever more brightly into the great unknown continued to carve my existential path disconnected from my dark fear of failure, which left to its own devices, would have forbidden my sense of adventure to develop and strengthen my inner sense of leadership, and as long as this wall divided my processor into separate compartments, my ability to think creatively for myself continued to take two steps forward, one back, except for those times when courage, breaking totally free of.any hint of subconscious fear tugging me backward, would take such a flying leap of faith forward toward restoring my lost sense of wholeness that upon landing securely on both feet, I’d feel so completely healed from self incriminatory flaggelation that my ego’s inner warrior would rise up, declaring my self image infallibly restrengthened so as to believe that never again would my inner super hero be so wounded as to feel too feeble to do battle with fate until, yet again, fate loomed so starkly dark as to make a fist of reality, which upon sucker punching my wall of denial, would, once again, shatter my shield, revealing the depths of my fear of my own expressions of anger, rendering my connection to courage incapable of lifting the wounded spirits of loved ones to safety, and thus does a new chapter in my quest to retire my inner super hero by strengthening my connection to human wholeness manifest as my most recent brush with personal vulnerability, both physical and emotional, identify my life’s most highly personal long range goal ... my self respect must maintain its strength expressly at those times when my vulnerability feels exposed.
From this day forward, my intuitive powers must remember to arrest my ego before Don Quixote arises from within to make a farce of deeper truth, signaling my intelligence to be aware of an uprising of fear and/or anger, so that my over grown line of control does not overwhelm my quest to gain, strengthen and maintain a better hold of balance in all things, thus freeing clarity to dominate my ego’s life long habit of denying the depths of my fear of anger by locking my intuitive smarts out of my conscious trains of thought at times when an undiagnosed danger threatens to release the dark side of life to shadow my loved ones’ well being, freeing the fiery breathe of my inner dragon to spin my peace of mind around on the windmill’s arms until the current windstorm has reason to pick up steam or pass, calming my dizzied state of mind so that clarity, once again, feels intact, because not until both sides of my brain feel solidly grounded in reality can my spirit begin to recoup the well balanced connection to positively focused energy necessary to work toward accepting whatever fate has in store for my family, directly ahead ...
As for right now, today is the first day in weeks that my body feels like standing for more than a minute at a time.. Last Saturday, lack of energy saw me cancel a family celebration at our house in honor of Steven’s birthday. For Will’s sake and in hopes of staving off his developing cabin fever, we welcomed dear friends from Seattle, who brought dinner, and after taking one look at me, agreed with my decision to stretch out on one of three living room couches that make up a conversational U- shaped setting, while Will and they caught each other up on family life, and I listened, quietly. As my friend is a take charge person, she cautioned me to remain prone while she tidied up our kitchen, and though energy continued to elude me, all went well.
On Sunday, Steven came to watch football with Will while my attempts to play quietly with Ravi had need for many breaks as my grand daughter listened to me say, repeatedly, I’m so glad you’re here but my energy can’t sit up for very long before my head feels too dizzy to stand straight on my neck, and it needs to relax on a pillow, so most of our playtime was spent on my bed.
Today, after experiencing weeks of physical illness
My spirit’s smile, highlighting the richness of my life
Is beginning to surface on its own
And a bit of appetite for physical sustenance is returning, as well.
Up until today, everything tasted as sour as whatever has been attacking
My physical, emotional and spiritual well being
Most everyone I know has been down with this bug for weeks ...
So having worked to understand what's been bugging the life out of
My psyche and spirit whenever I prove as vulnerable to fear or anger
As any other, now I'm scratching my head while itching to know:
What is the nature of this year’s flu virus that’s spreading
Such a wallop of epidemic proportions across our entire nation?
As is true of many others (for a variety of reasons), it’s been my life long habit to repress that which is deemed socially unacceptable emotion behind my defense system’s wall of denial to the point of over saturation until every fiber of my being feels need to spew forth impassioned fires, which, if left to burn ever more persistently within, would realistically roast my brain’s connection to clarity to a crisp, suggestive of my need to loosen the tight rein that inevitably (though, rarely) results in a ferocity of emotion gushing geyser-like through my suddenly shattered wall of self restraint. Whew! Needless to say, when my energy is diverted toward healing from illness, my inner strengths, which I depend upon to keep myself centered, are seriously compromised.
Another lifelong, unhealthy habit, which has become second nature to me, blinds my growing sense of self awareness from recognizing those times when I’m beating myself up until a loved one takes me around and compassionately coaches me to drop the whip and switch mental tracks toward thinking so smart as to offer myself the same degree of generosity of spirit and loving kindness that I've been taught to offer everyone else.
Though Ive been working to recreate my self image to match reality for several years, this truth has grown apparent, once again: The interrelated nature of both of those highly significant goals continue to remain beyond my reach, most especially at those times when my human vulnerabilities, having had sound reason to arise, outwhelm my inner strengths, and my voice, which fearlessly champions the vulnerabilities in others, is silenced by the boulder of insecurity that manifests within my throat, barring me from summoning help for myself ... and thus has a third self-defeating habit lined up to complete this trifecta of personal weaknesses that my ego has glaringly blinded me from recognizing as my greatest foe.
Had professional awareness of my self demeaning mistreatment of myself been clarified for my family when I was a child, the severity of my repressed fear of anger, (most especially my own) may have surfaced and been extinguished many decades ago rather than having offered this fault line so much time to have burned a wedge ever more deeply within my think tank—though reflection suggests that subconsciously repressed emotion kept itching within me as if my nervous system kept sending SOS signals to my intelligence concerning my desperate need to air my fears and openly express my anger in hopes of healing my shattered self image, which must precede the restoration of my connection to peace of mind, but since all of that psychological jargon was not yet common knowledge, no one uncovered the fact that my inability to express the depth of my emotional reaction to the confounding upheaval that evolved in the aftermath of my baby sister's death was manifesting itself within the relentless way that I'd scratched at my skin as if self mutilation might loosen the hold of impassioned emotion, which, remaining imprisoned within my subconscious, burrowed ever more unhealthily under my skin until recent years when my current therapist, versed in PTSD, honed in on my need to decipher this secret code that my body kept sending to my intuitive intelligence: Help! I’m in pain from attacking every one of my human vulnerabilities, which I'm determined to hide from my egocentric conscious self for as long as is humanly possible! Please! Someone help me to mend this inner conflict that divided my self image into two separate parts so that the torn state of my peace of mind can finally heal. Whew!
REPRESSION OF IMPASSIONED EMOTION IS NOT A WELL-BALANCED WAY TO LIVE
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT MY POWER OF INTUITION HAS FORCED MY HAND HOLD MY INTUITIVE INTELLIGENCE ACCOUNTABLE FOR GROWING EVER MORE AWARE OF THE FACT THAT MY LINE OF CONTROL HAS GROWN BEYOND THAT POINT WHICH PROVES CLEARLY HEALTHY AND REALITY CENTERED ...
MY LINE OF CONTROL HAS GROWN SO TIGHTLY COILED AS TO CHOKE OFF MY SENSE OF CLARITY FROM IDENTIFYING THOSE TIMES WHEN MY INTELLIGENCE NEEDS TO THROW MY THINK TANK A ROPE THAT WILL TETHER MY CONNECTION TO WHOLENESS TO CLARITY NO MATTER HOW SCARY OR INFURIATING REALITY PROVES TO BE.
MY INTELLIGENCE NEEDS TO RELEASE THE REAL ME TO MUSTER THE COURAGE TO MAKE SOUND USE OF MY VOICE TO SAY: I’M REALLY SCARED! AND THAT'S OKAY!
OR TO SHOUT: I’M SO ANGRY FOR SOUND REASON!
I need to release my line of control so as to free my intelligence to embrace the fact that during times of personal vulnerability fate will not lock me in solitary for not using my smile of leadership as my invincible shield ... and that deeper truth will surely have need to grow more in-synche with reality as all of me continues to age.
As a small, frightened child, living in a home gone mad with anger born of impassioned confusion and searing grief, I watched death shatter my whole life, catalyzing my self protective defense system to erect a wall of denial dividing my undeveloped processor into two separate halves, wherein courage to trek forth ever more brightly into the great unknown continued to carve my existential path disconnected from my dark fear of failure, which left to its own devices, would have forbidden my sense of adventure to develop and strengthen my inner sense of leadership, and as long as this wall divided my processor into separate compartments, my ability to think creatively for myself continued to take two steps forward, one back, except for those times when courage, breaking totally free of.any hint of subconscious fear tugging me backward, would take such a flying leap of faith forward toward restoring my lost sense of wholeness that upon landing securely on both feet, I’d feel so completely healed from self incriminatory flaggelation that my ego’s inner warrior would rise up, declaring my self image infallibly restrengthened so as to believe that never again would my inner super hero be so wounded as to feel too feeble to do battle with fate until, yet again, fate loomed so starkly dark as to make a fist of reality, which upon sucker punching my wall of denial, would, once again, shatter my shield, revealing the depths of my fear of my own expressions of anger, rendering my connection to courage incapable of lifting the wounded spirits of loved ones to safety, and thus does a new chapter in my quest to retire my inner super hero by strengthening my connection to human wholeness manifest as my most recent brush with personal vulnerability, both physical and emotional, identify my life’s most highly personal long range goal ... my self respect must maintain its strength expressly at those times when my vulnerability feels exposed.
From this day forward, my intuitive powers must remember to arrest my ego before Don Quixote arises from within to make a farce of deeper truth, signaling my intelligence to be aware of an uprising of fear and/or anger, so that my over grown line of control does not overwhelm my quest to gain, strengthen and maintain a better hold of balance in all things, thus freeing clarity to dominate my ego’s life long habit of denying the depths of my fear of anger by locking my intuitive smarts out of my conscious trains of thought at times when an undiagnosed danger threatens to release the dark side of life to shadow my loved ones’ well being, freeing the fiery breathe of my inner dragon to spin my peace of mind around on the windmill’s arms until the current windstorm has reason to pick up steam or pass, calming my dizzied state of mind so that clarity, once again, feels intact, because not until both sides of my brain feel solidly grounded in reality can my spirit begin to recoup the well balanced connection to positively focused energy necessary to work toward accepting whatever fate has in store for my family, directly ahead ...
As for right now, today is the first day in weeks that my body feels like standing for more than a minute at a time.. Last Saturday, lack of energy saw me cancel a family celebration at our house in honor of Steven’s birthday. For Will’s sake and in hopes of staving off his developing cabin fever, we welcomed dear friends from Seattle, who brought dinner, and after taking one look at me, agreed with my decision to stretch out on one of three living room couches that make up a conversational U- shaped setting, while Will and they caught each other up on family life, and I listened, quietly. As my friend is a take charge person, she cautioned me to remain prone while she tidied up our kitchen, and though energy continued to elude me, all went well.
On Sunday, Steven came to watch football with Will while my attempts to play quietly with Ravi had need for many breaks as my grand daughter listened to me say, repeatedly, I’m so glad you’re here but my energy can’t sit up for very long before my head feels too dizzy to stand straight on my neck, and it needs to relax on a pillow, so most of our playtime was spent on my bed.
Today, after experiencing weeks of physical illness
My spirit’s smile, highlighting the richness of my life
Is beginning to surface on its own
And a bit of appetite for physical sustenance is returning, as well.
Up until today, everything tasted as sour as whatever has been attacking
My physical, emotional and spiritual well being
Most everyone I know has been down with this bug for weeks ...
So having worked to understand what's been bugging the life out of
My psyche and spirit whenever I prove as vulnerable to fear or anger
As any other, now I'm scratching my head while itching to know:
What is the nature of this year’s flu virus that’s spreading
Such a wallop of epidemic proportions across our entire nation?
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