PTSD: IDENTIFYING THE TRIGGERS CAUSING POST TRAUMATIC STRESS TO ERUPT

To be traumatized is to feel anxiety spiking but not be able to identify
A specific fear.

What are you afraid of, Annie?
I don’t know, I’m just terrified that something terrible is going to happen

To whom?
To someone I love or to me

To be traumatized is to feel a flood of grief stuck inside, which, remaining
Unnamed, sucks my spirit into a black hole as dark as an unmarked grave

Are you or any of your loved ones seriously ill?
No

Are you or anyone of your loved ones in danger, right now?
No

Then what is currently triggering the eruption of this episode of
PTSD that’s been scaring your mind and spirit half to death?

I can’t name it but I feel like danger is closing in
I can’t name why, but I feel need to cry ... maybe even scream ...

To be in a traumatized state of mind is to be unable to
Think clearly, as if most of my thought processor’s
Connection to mental clarity has been hijacked into
The past at which time an experience, which had proved so
Petrifying as to have rendered the think tank of
A small child incapable of understanding (much less
Reflecting over) the emotional complexity that she was
Feeling, because her sense of logic had not yet developed to
The degree necessary to comprehend whatever was
Literally taking place above her head so that
All her brain could depend upon were her survival instincts to
Kick in (fight, flee, freeze) whenever
Her neoCortex felt totally confounded and
Scared half to death concerning everything that
Her undeveloped processor had been unable to absorb and
Since her processor had registered no conscious clue of
Detailing that which had stimulated anxiety to spike so high as
To strike down her personal sense of safety, if anything about
A current event catalyzes so much as a hint of yesteryear’s
Repressed (unidentified) fear, anger or grief to re-erupt from
Within subconscious ‘memory, my adult connection to clarity
Disrupts so abruptly as to distort my adult connection to
Minute-to-minute reality, and as soon as
This unnamed trigger, which spontaneously disorganizes
My current processor’s ability to differentiate the present from
What’s past, shoots my defense system's wall of denial full of
Holes, a flood of yesteryear’s deeply repressed, unidentified anxiety
(From which my conscious connection to awareness had
Disassociated to save my sanity during childhood) pours forth from
The subconscious portion of my brain on a torrent of
Latent anxiety with no specific memory attached, rendering
My adult processor to feel sensations of reeling as would
A person, who can’t swim, having been tossed into
Emotional rapids, so turbulent and rocky as to
Come near to drowning my think tank’s awareness of today's
Sudden disconnection from personal safety until
My anxious brain activity calms down in a safe, peaceful haven, thus
Freeing the intuitive portion of my brain to be summoned during
Sessions of EMDR therapy to power up and call forth
My intelligence to connect with flashes of insight that specifically
Spotlight, name and (temporarily) tame whatever
Those triggers may be ... until a similar situation arises, sucking
My intelligent think tank right back into emotional rapids, again ... so
Thank God for EMDR therapy, which guides me toward building
A series of life rafts within my brain to which my processor
Clings until the strongest waves of unnamed anxiety pass, at which
Time my intuitive intelligence can, once again, arise and begin to
Shakily captain the steering wheel of my ship so as to
Dizzily maneuver my emotional compass toward retrieving today’s
Inner sense of balance by directing my conscious awareness
Away from yesteryear’s utterly confounding, terrorizing
State of being, which, left on its own, empowers
Each trigger to shoot my intelligence and spirit with
A stun gun that makes me feel half dead, gasping for breath with
No appetite for life throughout each next totally unexpected
Emotionally complex, intellectually baffling ride through
Yesteryear’s disruptive emotional rapids, yet again ,,, imagine
How sick of this vicious cycle my intelligence proves to be ...

When the inexperienced processor of a child is
Unable to process the complex nature of
An emotional experience so terrifying as to shatter
The processor’s connection to clarity then
Disassociation results, until sometime later in life when
All that’s necessary to hijack the clarity of
That adult’s intelligent, well educated thought processor is
A trigger, which releases a strange mixture of
Anxiety, anger and/or grief that feels
Every bit as intense as had been true when
The original terrifying experience had shattered
The young brain’s ability to fire off electrical
Synapses in an orderly fashion once
Each next attack of PTSD has been triggered, messing
With clearly connected circuits of mental energy, which
Upon disruption, leave the disabled portion of
The brain’s thought processor to fire off
Statically charged electrical energy for as long as
Any portion of a current event stimulates
Subconscious recognition of the original experience
And here is why my intuitive voice chose to
Pen the most transparent definition possible of MY brain when
MY intelligence is caught within the throes of
A current wrestling match between mental clarity, concerning
Today’s reality, and yesteryear’s grief struck, anxiety-producing
Sense of long lasting confusion:  Just as one clogged vessel triggers
A lesser heart attack than when three, four or five major vessels
Are blocked, the severity of a PTSD attack on
The healthy functionality of an intelligent brain depends upon
How many blockages are triggered to erupt, all at once ...
And over these past two weeks, my brain’s well practiced
Connection to intuition powered up in hopes that by way of
Cocooning within the quiet, peaceful safe haven of my home
Several traumatic fears, erupting in a row, as if a machine gun
Within my head had been triggered to shoot my defense system’s
Wall of denial full of holes, released several demons, lurking
Within, all at once, and as insight, concerning my having experienced
An onslaught of triggers releasing repressed fears before
My positively focused, well practiced, intuitive sleuth hunkered down
Has been seeking clues in hopes of collecting puzzling pieces so as to
Assemble the bigger picture in an orderly fashion, so that, little by
Little, the latent nature of my current rush of anxiety, anger and grief
Would be named, easing my intelligent brain’s temporary
Dysfunctionality to feel so tamed that if any of these triggers
Shoot my current connection to well being, again, insight, based in
These past two weeks, will flash through
My conscious mind, hopefully before my subconscious
Releases yesteryear’s blocked connection to woundedness to shoot
My processor’s intelligent connection to clarity as full of holes as
Had been experienced ever since Thanksgiving, when several
Triggers converged, like a machine gun, before
Captain Insight could instruct my basic instincts to listen up and
Not through a tarp over my ability to steer my ship to shore

Basically, this description of a highly complex episode of
PTSD serves to illustrate the unnerving negativity that
Undermines my cheerful, well-organized, positively focused
Mind, so just imagine what observers might otherwise
Surmise if a person’s PTSD remains undiagnosed ...
Imagine inaccurate assumptions raining down upon
The head of a kindhearted soul, who feeling left out in
The cold where she's confused and alone can't figure out why
Unnamed fear, anger and grief dog her sense of well being at
The same time that whatever is left of her processor's connection to
Logic clearly acknowledges her good fortune to be
Alive, healthy and worthy of being well loved—and it's this
Example of mixed messaged madness, left over from
Childhood, which makes mincemeat of a person's self image, which
Is made up of an assortment of self conceived perceptions that have
Remained in a repressed (unidentified)state of hazy subconscious 'awareness' ...

As to which aspects of recent events mirror
(Catalyze) the original terror to erupt, thus disrupting
The greater portion of my think tank from reality so that
My thought processor's scattered feelings of deeply distressed
Mental disassociation becomes so distorted as to
Fire up an inner struggle in need of differentiating today from
Yesteryear, thank goodness, an astute diagnosis of PTSD, several
Years back, inspired my intellect to grow ever more
Knowledgeable about the adverse effects of PTSD upon
My psyche, today, so that, over time
The intuitive enhancement of my personal quest to
Deepen my conscious comprehension of
The complex nature of my brain's growing capacity to
Ably identify current events that stimulate the injured portions of
My brain to disassociate from today’s reality continue to
Advance, and with this self generated, positively focused
Mental change for the better, I continue to grow toward
Wholly embracing both sides of the intelligent adult, who
Plans not to remain a perpetual victim of
Childhood trauma, and as such do you find me feeling
Grateful for my power of intuitive thought, which
Serving as a positively focused conduit, connecting
The dots, guides my conscious mind toward
Decoding 'secrets' that my subconscious held separate from

My conscious awareness until I had the good fortune
To be referred to a psychotherapist, well versed in
EMDR, which encourages clients to muster
The courage, humility and patience to tolerate each lengthy
Spike of unnamed anxiety, which accompanies
Each disruptive attack of PTSD, known to
Disrupt peace of mind by spontaneously distorting
My sense of reality, and each time my power of intuition
Emerges so as to aid my processor to discover
Another unidentified 'secret' that has haunted and
Daunted my wholesome sense of well being from

Behind my defense system’s wall of emotional denial
I picture one half of my brain acting as would
A terrorist, holding a series of bombs with
Short fuses against the other side of my head, which
Upon being ignited by subconscious memory, blow
My connection to clarity, concerning here and now, to
Kingdom come, each time yet another
Sudden episode of PTSD is triggered by
A current event (striking the ‘match’ to the fuse that

Blasts my processor so far back in time as to
Create a time traveler of brain so that whatever
My defense system blocked me from seeing, believing
Or feeling back then to save the sanity of
The child I was, is released full blast ... but without
The original memory, which I attempt to recover
During therapy, attached ... so, thank goodness, my intuitive
Powers have come to recognize those times when
Another episode of PTSD is, once again, undermining my
Intellectual capacity to puzzle my way out of
Whatever today’s mental maze may be;  however
It’s imperative to note that my intuitive voice remains
Mute until my conscious mind is calmed of the intensity of
Striking anxiety, which otherwise runs interference with
My processor’s ability to reset my mental compass toward

Clear headed comprehension concerning connecting those
Dots until the bigger picture that had felt too dark to
See all aspects of its intricacies with clarity intact is
Actually in the 'process' of piecing itself together inside
My brain, today, and thus, the fact that I feel compelled to
Seclude myself in solitude (As I’d hidden in the closet as
A tot, because if I couldn’t see what caused
The fearsome noises that had erupted between the adults in
The aftermath of my baby sister’s death from SIDS then perhaps

My self protectived defense system would conspire
With fear, forever, in denial of anything of
Earth shattering proportions ever happening to me or
My loved ones, ever again, once our apartment quieted down, and
Thus by way of mental disassociation did I feel safe enough to
Venture out of hiding whenever reality got too scary and
Complex for the undeveloped thought processor of
A terrified child to comprehend with anything that
Reesembled clarity), so ... though awaiting the return

Of mental clarity, associated with listening for

My intuitive voice’s instruction, is always a pain

(As in no pain no gain), today, my think tank has gained
Insight concerning my brain’s growing capacity to
Heal itself from trauma so as not to languish

Overlong within the clutches of denial’s
Tension-filled, full-fledged attack of PTSD (which
Releases repressed emotional reactions, soaked in
Cortisol, mirroring my traumatized, closeted
Seclusions during early childhood, and as
Each repetitive experience provokes yesteryear’s
Unprocessed (unresolved) emotional pain to erupt, anew

I charge myself with mustering the courage, humility and

Patience that prove necessary to quell anxiety, which

Would otherwise run interference with my growing

Ability to curtail each next, more mild invasion of
PTSD from choking my thought processor so
Thoroughly as to extend the length of time that
Each distressing episode of unnamed fear boggles
My intelligent mind with a turbulent ride through
Yesteryear rapids, again  ... I mean

Thank goodness for EMDR, which has served as
The conveyance that continues to deepen my sense of
Insight so that these episodes no longer see me

Curled in the fetal position so tense as to be
Unable to move as had been my plight, four years back
During the weeks preceding and following Will’s

Cancer scare, which I’d define as terrifying but not
Traumatic (as dramatic differs from melodramatic) for

This reason:  My conscious memory is able to

Fully remember a detailed account of everything I’d
Seen and felt during those weeks when
A heightened sense of nervous energy devoured
As much as a pound of flesh a day off of
My shrinking physical frame until
My family felt need to encourage me to sip
Ensure in loving efforts to nourish my body (including
My brain), because starved of oxygen, nutrients and
The healing nature of sleep, my organs were deprived of
Their natural ability to function optimally, thus freeing
The scariest episode of PTSD that

I’d ever experienced to utterly overwhelm
My intelligent sense of clarity, and not until my intuitive voice
Coughed up the traumatized fear that I’d no conscious

Recollection of whatsoever until its kernel of
Deeper truth popped wholly out of my mouth was

I able to differentiate between a fear that I could name

And a trauma, which, having been blocked from conscious memory

I could not hope to identify without astute professional guidance
Guiding my way, and perhaps my intuitive voice, which is
Thankfully, penning this post, has just clarified reason to
Pinpoint that moment in time, because now I know which
Experience catalyzed my faith in my intuitive powers to
Powered up, and ever since I escaped from that
Terrifying episode of PTSD at home while being

Nurtured by loving family (whose presence had rightfully

Primarily focused in on taking care of Will) raised to

Brainstorm through frighting, confounding times with

Mutual respect intact rather than hurtling insults

At injured parties as though piercing hearts, already

Dripping pain, with arrows poisoned with blame could

Resolve conflicts or solve problems by way of solidifying

A family into a tribunal charging one person

100% innocent and the other 100% guilty of

Wrong doing based in circumstantial evidence when
The truth of the matter was this:

Throughout our whole ordeal of PTSD’s convergence with
Cancer,  I managed to keep my sanity intact by
Saying and believing:  My reaction to Dad’s cancer is
Being driven by an unidentified fear (trauma) that’s
Been repressed, and having felt emotionally supported without

Condescending judgements that would have slashed through
The last shreds of my wounded mind’s connection to
Sanity served as my salvation, because as loving
As my birth family had been, judgments fell from
Lips as naturally as had been commonly true of the generation
Preceding mine, because scientific advances in
Medicine, dentistry and psychology develop and
Saturate public awareness over time ...
As David and his ‘little brother’, Bryan are flying in
This afternoon, and Ravi is accompanying Papa and Gramma to
The apirport, and as today’s stream of consciousness feels
As though it’s ready to pull my processor into a rest station, that’s
All this intuitive conductor feels need to say for today, except for
Whew! 

TO BE SO BOLD AS TO LEAP TOWARD LOVE OR TO CREEP SAFELY ALONG ALONE?

“So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself:
Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived
Or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?”
     - Hunter S. Thompson

ADDRESSING TRIGGERS THAT RELEASE NEGATIVELY CHARGED FEARS

Inner conflict is a mental strain that cracks our peaceful relationship with ourselves in half whenever conscious awareness deny the truth of whatever our innermost self really feels, believes, or fears, catalyzing our egos to erect a defensive wall of denial behind which we place any fact that does not match the self image that our crumbling connection to personal safety has need to see reflecting back from our mirrors, and as long as deeper truth remains subconsciously separated from our brain’s revised perception of reality, we continue to deceive ourselves in hopes of regaining the lost sense of inner peace that deceit of oneself cannot possibly restore, and as one deceit leads to another, a negatively charged, vicious cycle picks up steam, which is why we so often hear ourselves (and others) proclaim:  I am my own worse enemy, referencing the fact that inner peace will remain beyond one’s reach, and your processor and mine will feel like gerbils running on a wheels until your life’s path and mine turn a corner where blindfolds and ear plugs dissolve so as to free our minds to seek the key to unlocking, releasing and naturally embracing deeper truths so as to banishing our defense system’s alternate realities from messing with our processors’ healthy connection to mental clarity, once and for all.  And as this intuitive train of thought, which has composed the whole of today’s post, clarifies my inner quest to conjoin my inner life and outer life as wholly reunited, at long last, perhaps the key to maintaining my fleeting peace of mind, concerning will continue to open doors in my wall of denial, gifting me with insights that inspire future growth spurts to face my fears of reality with an eye opening, ever deepening sense of natural flexibility that advancing age and maturity demands, because, quoting Erma Bimbeck:  “Old age is not for sissies” and that same truism holds true for retrievable loss of loved ones as well as accepting the reality of one’s mortality.

Throughout these past two weeks, my intuitive powers have been busy spotlighting yesteryear’s negatively charged fears, triggered to sneak out of my subconscious, catalyzing my perception of today’s reality to feel down right creepy, as though evil lurks everywhere, and ever since Thanksgiving, my very existence felt split between two planes of awareness while my anxious processor directed my mental energy inward, so determined was I to name the set of fears, which spliced together, had pierced my spirit as if a lightening bolt from the past had reserected its negatively charged powers to burst through my wall of denial, electrifing my dizzied brain’s sense of inner balance, which is just beginning to straighten itself out, and upon regaining balance, hopefully my exaggerated sense of vulnerability will naturally diminish.

Now that I have a handle on the set of current events, which collided, triggering the eruption of this episode of PTSD (as a fault line shifting the planes of the earth, catalyzing an earthquake to shake up the peaceful existence of everything that had felt securely grounded on the surface of our planet, my self-empowered mental strengths are, once again, in the process of recharging my spirit’s reconnection to positively focused energy💥 And thank goodness that’s true, straight through to my core, because Celina has asked me to catch Ravi up into my warm embrace, freeing her mama to see the urologist, who will, hopefully, withdraw the catheter and astutely diagnose the dysfunction that’s caused Celina to experience many days of physical distress, not to dismiss the anxious upheaval of not knowing what’s wrong..

As to naming the triggers that shot my sense of clarity full of holes, freeing subconscious fears to pour through my wall of denial unnamed, catalyzing a sneak attack against my personal sense of safety, as the lasting effect of PTSD is wont to do, most especially at those times when my vulnerability feels transparent (did I mention that the Thursday before Thanksgiving I’d moved in such an awkward way as to have triggered a painful episode of sciatica, which has subsided as will this episode of PTSD, which like any chronic injury to a portion of the body, tends to flare and repair, because the trifecta of  mind, body and spirit are preprogrammed within the womb to pull off that feat, repeatedly, as long as all three remain patiently determined to tolerate the pain associated with healing from within before inner peace returns ... and speaking of peace, feeling at peace with all that remains unknown is why I find it necessary to muster my courage to take leaps of faith each time my power of intuition releases insights that spotlight the emergence of subconscious fears, which left to roam through my conscious mind, overlong, tend to  sabotage the good health of my heart, spirit and mind.

PS
I have a very good reason for withholding the triggers that split my sense of personal safety between two planes ... I believe that if I so much as name them, today, my intuitive powers will feel stimulated to search out additional information, deep within, and if there’s anything that my processor does not need if this episode of PTSD is to continue to recede it’s to feel stimulated to muster the courage to dive even deeper into subconscious memory than has felt necessary throughout these mentally exhausting two weeks.  So, rather than my mustering mental energy, which feels fully spent, I’ll ask you to muster the patience to await the reduction of my mental state of resistance until an attitude of re-energized readiness offers me the clarity necessary to work toward retrieving deeper truth, peacefully, my friends.

Reminiscent of the deep voice tones of
The King of Rick and roll
I feel like ending today’s post with:
Thank you very much ...

YESTERDAY'S POST WAS RE-WRITTEN ...

What more need I say, today?
Nada —

TODAY’S FLASH OF INSIGHT IGNITES D AND G TO BLAST A BOULDER THROUGH MY WALL OF DENIAL

Ever since awakening this morning
These words keep running through my mind:
“Absolute power corrupts absolutely” until ...
And that’s all my power of intuition was
Willing to release into my conscious awareness until
This next incomplete insight filtered out of
Subconscious memory, as though teasing
My inquisitive nature to arouse my intelligence to
Wonder if my mission, over this fourth quadrant of
My life, will be to gain and sustain a reorganized sense of
Mental control over the unruly nature of
My processor’s inner life by firing the task master, who
Beginning with my third birthday, has been known to
Creep around, haunting the darkest shadows of my mind, remaining
Vaguely but not clearly named until this very moment when
Clarity, bursting through this morning’s hazy stream of
Incomplete insights, is shining its spotlight directly upon
The culprit, who has grown to be my inner well being’s greatest foe
Because the ghost-like-presence of this fire-breathing dragon has
Continued to rise from the dead, re-igniting yesteryear’s
Traumatizing experiences to melt my strength of spirit into
A hot mess when I least expect the deep seated presence of
Repressed fury to arise, anew, out of the angst-driven portion of
Subconscious memory, as though casting an evil spell over
My cheerful nature so that rather than feeling yesteryear's unresolved
Fury welling up and gushing out, my think tank is, once again
Hijacked back to that fledgling time in my life when
The specter of sudden death darkened my little corner of
The world twice in a matter of weeks, capturing the adoring smiles of
Every one of my caregivers behind masks of quietly cocooned
Depression (born of their deeply confounded, repressed reactions of
Fury), which weighed so heavy on their spirits as to have crushed
Mine at a time when my three year old mind was too young to organize
Words into sentences so as to express my terrified flood of
Complex emotions with anything that came close to resembling
Clarity of thought, and thus did the weight of months of spiritually depressed
Deeply repressed, fearsome fury compress into a boulder, locked within
Subconscious memory, offering the adult, whom that child had chosen to
Grow up to be, no conscious clue of my need to seek a key to unlock
My subconscious in hopes of freeing a good little girl as well as
Good grown up me of undeserved guilt, which, having remained in
An unidentified state of 'being', had shaped up into PTSD, triggered to
Erupt with such a punch as to be empowered to knock out my spirit, which
Spirals straight down hill, hitting bottom as fast as a rainbow colored kite, flying
High through the bright blue sky, finds itself harshly yanked down each time
Its invisible string snares on a branch of a staunchly rooted tree, whose trunk is
The only thing left standing as icy gusts of wind whip branches, twigs and
Foliage, this way and that, during each torrential cloudburst, which proves
Indigenous to the climate throughout the Midwest where lightening bolts
Flashing down from on high during thunderous downpours, split
Tall strong trees in half from the tips of their umbrella-like crowns
Straight down into firmly rooted trunks whenever the malevolent side of
Mother Nature, which is also responsible for indiscriminately blindsiding
The mental development of healthy children, can be seen hurtling
A young person's budding strength of spirit, which serves as the life force of
Every living thing, to crash just as unexpectedly as that proverbial kite, leaving
The subconscious awareness of every person who's ever lived to be vulnerable to
Feeling thin skinned, now and again, based in the fact that no person escapes
Childhood utterly unscathed from suffering at least one heartsick rupture of
Such grave proportions as to have felt anxiety spike at the mere thought of
Mother Nature’s number one henchman, who goes by the name of
Fate, paying their family a visit with lightening bolt in hand, and as
That lightening bolt electrified my self-worth half to death, multiple times, ‘tis'
My good fortune to note that Lady Luck casts her smile in my direction, more
Often than not, plucking my battered spirit out of the ashes so as to
Encourage my self defeating tendencies to restrengthen by way of gifting
The young woman, who'd never really been as thin skinned as a kite, with
A trio of perfectly formed, healthy children to love and nurture, each of whom
Re-ignited my inquisitive nature to sense an intuitive need to encourage
Each of these wholly individual, unique, inexperienced minds to
Absorb a positively charged philosophy of life while advancing toward
Adulthood by holding hands with a life coach, whose intuitive voice
Spoke up ever more clearly with each passing year in hopes of encouraging
My menage of bright, strong spirited child to grow ever more
Consciously aware of adopting an attitude of brainstorming through
Life's trying ordeals by way of opening our minds to consider all aspects of
A problem or conflict from every angle, together, knowing that two brains
Operating on the same wavelength tend to ascend to a heightened plane of
Conscious comprehension, elevating the human processor's potential to
Inject a person's current level of self esteem with a well balanced sense of
Self worth, based in the accumulative absorption of deeper truths, and
As it turns out, the intuitive nature of that insight driven plan served to
Strengthen more than the self esteem of my sons as each one continued to
Amass such a plethora of successful experiences as to withstand winter's iciest
Wind storms much more staunchly than had been true of me at
Their tender age, and as one success led to another, my original plan to
Teach grade school children to enjoy the learning process led to my
Raising the stakes, when the children I was leading were my own, and
While my sensitivity to creativity encouraged my sons to adopt
Success-oriented, thought processing patterns, which have continued to
Develop throughout each stage of their lives—here is the welcomed
By-product of my intuitive plan:  My power of intuitive thought continued to
Blossom until, one day,  my smarts saw fit to adopt the very same positively charged
Pattern of processing that creativity developed to enhance the lives of
My sons for myself, and thus have you just received a highly condensed sample of
The back story of the woman, who, to this very day, feels inspired to write for
Hours upon hour in hopes of expanding my understanding of what caused
A small, terrified blindsided child to stumble upon her chosen life's path, which
Breathed life into the adult whom I've chosen to morph into when, in addition
To raising my sons, I accepted a teaching position at the college in hopes of
Leading parents and teachers (and thus, thousands of children I'd never met) out of
The darkness and toward the inner light of self empowerment, based in
The power of one (mind) that refuses to detour away from its deeply determined
Personal quest to seek out knowledge in hopes of resolving conflicts, such as
Those that surfaced within my marriage once the second quadrant of
My life evolved toward the third in the same manner as the third quadrant has
Continued to evolve toward this fourth stage of my life cycle, which sees me
Seeking to gain self empowering knowledge, concerning my need to expand
My processor’s capacity to regain and maintain a well balanced sense of
Self-control over the decision-making portion of my processor in hopes of
Strengthening my ability to continue to age as gracefully as
Reflection suggests was true during the twenty five years that disappeared as
Though within the blink of an eye, which, upon looking back at
Three fully energized tykes, grown to assume the roles of three caring
Responsible, fun-loving men, and now that the time has come for me to
Pass the baton of this Pied Piper tradition on to each of them, I feel need to
Continue to welcome personal growth spurts, some of which feel as painful as
Had proved true twenty-five years ago when my anguished decision to defy
Societal boundaries (imposed upon good wives and mothers for eons) experienced
Sound reason to strengthen my spirit's weakened connection to free will before
My think tank found the impossibility of moving out of our home—possible and
Then probable and then a done deal to save my waining sense of sanity—decades
Before that desperate act of spiritual self preservation had become popularized by
The younger generation, who'd had the good fortune to pursue
Women’s studies, which had been a welcome addition to
College curriculum choices years after I'd earned my degree—on the other hand
(As is classically true of those whose thought processes prove avant guard)
Though my choice to move into an apartment (close to home) sans societal support
Served to severe my mental connection to a wholesome, well balanced sense of
Good health as inner conflict set my processor reeling with the eruption of
Complex emotions that engulfed my sense of clarity within a maze fraught
With undeserved guilt, which scared my spirit's fledgling connection to courage
Half to death, t'was also my intuitive choice to separate from most of
My flock of friends until, with the passage of several years, my intuitive nose grew
(Unlike Pinocchio's)  ever more sensitive to sniffing out deeper truths such as
This next one proves to be:
Upon reflection, my intuitive consciousness heightened awareness accepted
The fact that most of those who’d made up my social circle of friends proved
To be frenemies, all along, and though that self-empowering burst of
Clarity hurt to the quick, repeated run ins, offering my ears words sharp with
Icy stabs of passive-aggressive misjudgment, which having slashed
Painfully away at another level of my defense system’s wall of denial, freed
My smarting intelligence to stop sweating over my refusal to bow my head-
Held-high and resume the 'good girl' role that I'd out grown, so rather than
Re-conjoining with friends, whose company I'd thought to have missed
My heightening sense of conscious awareness began to conjoin, ever more
Naturally, with my existential desire to experience life as a healed whole, and
That insight-driven thought offered me the clarity to see my choice of
Friends as making up a pack of scaredy-cats with whom I no longer fit, because
It was so plain to see that just as is true of birds of a feather, those whose
Thought patterns and comfort levels remained stuck in the box, continued to
Feel need to fall into line, playing polite society's judgmental games while
I favored freeing one human being, namely me, of feeling saddled with
Emotional constraints which had weighed heavy on my sense of free will over
Many years in which fear of being left by the pack to fend for myself had
Kept my free will muted, locked up so deeply inside as to have silenced
My as yet undeveloped voice of intuition from piping up with even
One frickin' clue of my desperate need to quest for the missing key
To untether my spirit's free will from my roots at least enough to freely
Wing it on my own, though my sense of personal safety grappled with bouts of
Self inflicted, undeserved guilt that clipped (but never severed)
The expanse of my high flying spirit’s wingspan until such time as
I came to see the human spirit as being every bit as self-regenerative as is
True of the liver, which functions to rid the body of waste that would
Otherwise prove as toxic to a person’s good health as episodes of
PTSD prove toxic to my reorganized sense of mental wellbeing, so
It's no wonder why each growth spurt that my intuitive nature is
Determined to achieve by way of working conscientiously toward
Releasing repressed emotional pain in hopes of proactively minimizing
The weight of the boulder, which catapults out of my depths to
Crush my spirit each time any aspect of a current event blindsides
My processor’s smarts, wrestling the strength of my spirit’s
Conscious connection to positively charged energy to the mat as
The tag team known as Doom and Gloom  (also known as
Evil and Death) usurps control over my think tank, casting
An evil spell on my connection to free will, yet again ...
BTW, if I’ve only named one aspect of the quintet that ignited
Doom and Gloom’s most recent resurrection to arise from
The dead and burst through my wall of denial, right before
Thanksgiving then let’s hope that the content of today’s
Insight-driven, intuitive train of thought may inspire
My restrengthening connection to positively charged free will to
Light the match that fires up my sense of readiness to refuel
My think tank’s need to continue to unwind the cocoon in which
My most recent need to stop climbing up hill and just ‘chill’ had
Separated my spirit from its main source of energy, namely
The positively focused frame of mind that must consciously
Conspire with the further development of inner strengths (in similar
Fashion that lifting followed by setting down weights encourage
Muscles to strengthen in the gym), in hopes of
Maintaining my younger than springtime philosophy of life as
Birthdays continue to sweep in more quickly than I can believe
And as my strong willed sense of creativity is poised to publish
This post without taking the time to clarify whether or not today’s
Stream of consciousness makes sense, you can expect to
Find the complex nature of today’s thoughts challenging
My think tank and yours to simplify mind boggling complexity in
Hopes of creating changes for the better that will ultimately
Improve the lives of everyone in your family and mine
Why?  Well, for starters, publishing before editing exemplifies
That which has come to be my natural pattern of thought processing
Illustrating exactly what takes place naturally inside my head, just as
It’s been my pattern (and yours) to celebrate another birthday each and
Every year, suggesting that with the aging process, I continue to
'Look' into myself in relation to life as differently inside as
I look on the outside, and as I believe in self empowering new beginnings
This weekend portends to offer up the precise time for my spirit to
Raise a toast to this most recent, positively fueled ruckus that's
Rearranging itself inside my noggin in hopes of feeling my well developed
Inner strengths amassing the courage required to lift that boulder of
D and G over my head and smash it to smithereens!
I hope!
Tha last line is not Doubting Thomas lifting his head but
Rather my intuitive voice piping in with thoughts of
Stowing dollops of humility on board in hopes of being
More likely to remember to steer my ship toward
Shore before it's time to pack up our duds to drive toward
The west coast to party with loved ones who live too far to have
Celebrated with loved ones who dwell close enough to have
Helped Ravi and me blow out my birthday candles, after
Ten of us enjoyed dinner delivered to our home, last night, after
Will and I had accompanied Ravi outside to take
Her dolly for a sunny stroll before we lifted our growing bundle of joy into
Her carseat so as to drive her precious self to have
Her bangs cut, and lo and behold if she didn’t nod off in the car and
Remain sound asleep right through her princess haircut and
Then throughout the short ride back to Gramma’s and Papa’s
House, where she napped on our bed for another hour before
Awakening to search through the house for me in order to ask:
Is it time for my party?  Because three year old Ravi felt utterly
Certain that we were about to celebrate her third birthday, again
And when she looked up at me, all wide-eyed and innocent, so as to
Have clued me in to knowing myself lost under the spell cast
By her guileless, blue-eyes even before the sweetest voice you could
Ever imagine asked:  Is the bouncy house almost here?
When I drew her within my embrace and laughingly explained that
Grown ups are too big for bouncy houses, Ravi, who knew that as
A fact, began to get my drift, and as reality set in, she look me by
The hand, led me into the kitchen, and offered up another reason to
Feel my spirit bouncing back and forth with mirth:  Pointing to
The chocolate frosted birthday cake decorated with yellow roses as is
Our custom, I listened rapt to my grand daughter's imaginative mind release
This idea:  Gramma Annie, what if we eat up the whole happy cake, right now
And when people come they will say—WHAT!  No cake for me?
And then they’ll go home, and we can play Lion Guard!
I laughed so hard that our little monkey face repeated her
Soliloquy almost verbatim before running into the living room
Where she delighted in parroting her imaginative plan for her papa (after
I'd suggested that she clue him in), only this time, her precocious nature
'Got' the humor down pat, catalyzing her laughter to pour out, matching
Ours, and when, at last, it was time for family and friends to arrive with
Gifts in hand, our little minx, bright as a fairy whose magic shone
Naturally forth from within the charismatic spell her spirit was empowered to
Cast upon all who so much as glanced into her sparkling, sunlit eyes
Ravi promptly divested our loved ones of gaily wrapped gifts, which
She hand delivered to me, acquiescing cheerfully to the fact that
Indeed, it was Gramma's birthday, and she was fine with the presents being
Mine as long as I'd conferred upon Ravi the title of Official Opener, whom
Upon completing the exciting task of ripping paper from boxes
Smiled widely while presenting each offering, happily, to me
And if you’d like to know what effect each of these delightful
Experiences had on my sagging spirit throughout the day, I’ll answer by
Describing what happens while my processor perches on
Two conflicting planes, at once:
(Think one foot on shore with the other in a row boat, drifting out to sea)
While engaged with Ravi’s precious antics, at which time
My well practiced intuitive skills observed the intuitive awareness of
My three year old grand daughter's bright young mind expansively
And genially absorb the fact that the birthdays of others can be
Enjoyed though no bouncy house appears and grown ups' gifts
Are not toys, and having grown to know me as I hope you do by
Now, I'll bet you can easily imagine how deeply pleasured
My cognitive recognition of Ravi's current growth spurt, regarding
The natural expansion of her cognitive awareness, felt, serving to shrink
The size of the negatively charged boulder that has stubbornly refused to
Stop crushing my spirit over these past two weeks, in fact
I'd actually endured an increase in pressure due to added worry over
The fact that Celina had been experiencing ;her monthly; pain, cramping
For days, and as her pain continued to worsen, day after day, Steven
Called us to pick up Ravi on Thursday, freeing him to flee from
His law office and high tail it home to drive Celina to the ER, and
Needless to say, Will and I had also helped out by taking care of
Ravi earlier during this difficult week, as well, so when Steven relayed
The fact, late Thursday evening, that two liters of urine had begun to
Gush forth from Celina’s bladder, after which her pain spontaneously
Diminished significantly, I felt concerned upon hearing that rather than
Admitting Celina to the hospital, she was being sent home, sometime
After midnight, sporting a catheter with instructions in hand to see
A urologist on Monday, suggesting that we can add my anger at
Modern medicine protocol to my angst until, as it turns out
She and Steven felt like joining us for dinner and happy cake, last night
Though I’d reassured them, repeatedly, of my desire to take good care of
Their need for rest after such a mutually agitating ordeal, which had
Produced close to a week of worry, so as you can see
Much of my down time (?) had been spent wriggling in and out of
My intuitive need to cocoon, because no matter how inventive
My think tank proves to be, my processor has not yet figured out
How to invite my active grand daughter to snuggle quietly with me unless
Her shining blue eyes are naturally glazing over with weariness at
Nap time's approach, leaving your friend Annie's need to cocoon
Dangling, midair, day after day, while Ravi's doting Gramma managed to
Change hats in order to call upon my spirit to warm up my positively charged
Energy field at least enough to interact with the magnetic nature of
A three year old's energy field, and now you know why my conscious mind felt
Suspended between two dimensions over these past six days—on the other hand
Both Steven and I knew to reassure Ravi that though her mama and Gramma had
Need of rest and quiet, the non-stop antics of our energizer bunny continued to
Share an endless supply giggles and smiles with everyone at Gramma's house, and
I was surprised to find that when a dizzying sensation catalyzed my need to
Lie down, Ravi complied by playing solo on the floor at the foot of my bed with her
Lion-King-Lion Guard action figures for up to two hours while I'd listen to
Her adorable voice inflections acting out every emotion embodied within
Both films before she'd gingerly approach my bed with tilted head, lips wearing
A smile, asking sweet as sweet can be:
Gramma, are you ready to play Lion King (or Lion Guard) with me, now?
I mean, seriously—Who could say no?  And though Will took his turn taking on
The double role of Uncle Scar and the pack of hyenas, Ravi could intuit which
One of her grandparents played with Uncle Scar in one hand and the pack of
Hyenas in the other, wholeheartedly, vs. which of us had cheerfully
Assumed the role of Gramma's understudy until the call of football signaled
The end of halftime, leaving our grand daughter to assume all of the roles on
Her own, meaning that I'd witness Simba’s spirit (which had deflated upon
Losing heart to the traitorous nature of his Uncle Scar, who blamed
The small, guilt ridden cub to believe that he'd been so bad as to have
Caused his adored father's death, and at this point in the film (which
We've watched a minimum of twenty times—suggesting why
Ravi acts out every part as would an experienced thespian) we see
The woebegone, broken spirit of a lost, guilt-ridden lion cub wandering
Away on his own feeling crushed until such time as he finds
Supportive friends, who help him to grow up to claim her—uh—whoops—
I mean his self empowered role of adult leadership, by way of shrinking
His worries down to size just as Dorothy's friends had encouraged
Each other, while skipping down the yellow brick road, to shrink
Their fears of Lions and tigers and bears—Oh my!
As for me, I’ve benefited from gleaning wisdom during sessions of
Therapy as well as from absorbing insight-driven stories, penned by
Authors, both classic and modern day, such as the novels devoured
This week, in which prides of lions roaring and matriarchal elephants
Trumpeting in alarm of predators closing in on their young, offered
My think tank classic truths, highlighting the nature of self healing that
Proves necessary throughout every facet of the animal kingdom, and if
While highlighting and digesting passages, which speak expressly to my
Present needs, my conscious mind can also be seen drinking in
Deeper truths that ride out of subconscious storage on positively focused
Strings of interwoven insights, which, over time, have been re-igniting
My sagging spirit to arise, then we can imagine me rising to
My full height, beating my chest as would a beast in the jungle so as to
Downsize and oil up the small child’s wordless boulder of terrified angst, which
I've lugged from stage to stage, over my entire life, until, with every eruptive
Episode of PTSD, that boulder continues to shrink, until, one day
I'm certain it will feel no bigger than a bouncing ball, small enough to
Slip out of my subconscious muscle-tensing memory bank so as to roll
Straight through my (now) opened door in my defense system’s
Wall of denial, and, finally, upon shrinking to the size of a marble, no longer
Lodged inside my throat—out of my mouth it will pop—freeing
My self-empowering voice to release a Woo-Hoo that feels
Wholly peacefully, once and for all!  Wow!
I wonder if I've spent the day penning the prequel to The Princess and the Pea!

Holy smokes—just glanced at the clock—I’ve been writing for
Seven hours straight—It's 3PM, high time to
Throw open the drapes, smile at what's left of the sun, and being that
Yesterday saw the dawning of the 74th year of my life and being that
Life is short, I don’t have a moment to lose, concerning my need to
Re-ignite my inside-connection to joy ... and if my blog was a book
The next words would most likely be—THE END
Good thing this is a blog, which is as alive with spirit as
I plan to be once my searchful mind rests up, suggesting that you can
Expect me to reappear on your screen for as long as
Your intuitive spirit chooses to commune with mine, and
Now, having cleared my mind of quite a head full of angst, today
I’m about to push publish without reviewing, so to those of you who
Have chosen to bear down with me without giving up on my smarts no matter
How often the winding tracks of today's train of thought may have dizzied
Your brain, I'll refrain from saying any more than Hakuna Matata—
My hat's off to you—Bravo!

MY SPIRIT AWOKE ANXIOUS UNTIL IT FELT FREE TO ROAR!

Something very bad happened to me when I was a child
A person who won my love hurt me deeply
So horrifically that my defense system
Submerged every sensation of everything he did to
Hurt me so deep into subconscious memory that that’s where
The mental anguish I’ve carried forward remained lodged until
Recent years when any aspect of a current event that feels
Similar in any way to those terrifying moments triggers
My brain chemistry to resurrect resistant reactions that
Feel so dauntingly confounding and hauntingly terrifying as
If a ghost-like presence has swept my peaceful perception of
Personal safety into the fourth dimension, where
My sense of clarity feels so shaken back in time as to frighten
My strength of spirit to submit, once again, to the terrors
Experienced during my youth as if the specter of evil
Flies in from out of the blue to drag me down into the fires of
Yesteryear's personal hell where a foggy sense of guilt-ridden
Damnation attacks my self worth until I, reminding myself of
PTSD, feel need to seek out a safe haven in which to
Spin myself into a cocoon and calm my mind until such time as
My intuitive voice emerges on a flash of insight that
Challenges the conscious portion of my processor to
Muster the courage and patience, yet again, to tolerate
This most recent mind baffling eruption of latent anxiety, which
Heightens toward spiking, rendering my processor's
Well balanced connection to reality to feel so distorted that
My conscious awareness, feeling squeezed between
A rock and a hard place, attempts to swim upstream through
Emotionally charged quicksand so thick as to muddy up
The fact that, once again, my think tank and soul are wrestling
With an attack of inner conflict, pitting good against evil, and
This struggle for dominance between angst and inner peace
Continues until my well-developed inner strengths converge,
Cracking open the door in my wall of denial (behind which
Unidentified memories, pulsing with negatively charged energy
Torment today’s peace of mind with yesteryear’s unresolved
Distress) severing today’s conscious awareness from reality so as
To suck my processor wholly and blindly into my brain’s
Subterranean dungeon, which pulses with bulges of
Subconscious torment, where I grapple to regain
My lost sense of clarity for days and nights, sometimes for
Weeks, until yet another gruesome aspect of
Those horrifying, mystifying emotional reactions, which
Proved far too complex for the inexperienced, overwhelmed
Undeveloped think tank of an innocent child to process, cough up
The next missing detail or repressed emotional reaction or
Traumatic fear, at which time the adult I’ve conscientiously chosen
To grow to be senses a jumble of feelings, both furious and
Frightful rumbling up toward conscious awareness just before
An intuitive storm of well organized words gushes out of
My depths forming a geyser of insight-driven thoughts, which
Literally propels my self respecting spirit to stand up as
My body kneels down and my outstretched arm dives under
My bed, making a grab for the hitting stick (pool noodle), kept
Close by in readiness to soundly whack away at
My lifelong need to release this newest eruption of
Negatively charged energy, which has wracked my muscles and
Brain with inner tension in need of comprehensive relief whenever
An episode of PTSD is triggered to overwhelm
My personal sense of safety, and then, upon standing tall with
Noodle in hand, I can be seen assuming a fighter’s stance at
The foot of my bed where my self respect starts
Whacking away at (without damaging a thread of)
The beautiful quilt, covering my sheeted mattress with
All of my might as the depth of the terrorized plight of
The vulnerable child's gut wrenching wails can be heard
Bouncing off every wall in the room (after I've taken
Precautionary measures to forewarn anyone
Who happens to be home that I can feel another layer of
My wall of denial cracking) and in this way do the horrors of
Yesteryear, which have stuck to me like glue continue to
Emerge from within the darkest pockets of
My brain's subconscious hiding place, and as Ellie happens to
Be with me, today, she holds me as close to her heart as
A mother would a deeply injured, broken hearted child until
I feel a shift in my energy field as though the next layer of
My wall of denial has just dissipated into thin air, and replacing
The weepiness of a frightened child's broken sense of
Emotional reactiveness, somehow I feel
My spirit rear up like a wild elephant in protection of
Her calf as though a predator, closing in, has
Marked my baby, playing innocently just beyond
The matriarch's reach—as lunch, and as if 110% of
My hyper vigilant awareness focuses upon stranger danger
Creeping up in readiness to pounce on my inner child
The adult portion of my mind wraps my trunk around
A tree, which upon uprooting, I chase off the hungry
Call of the wild, which, unbeknownst to my conscious
Awareness has savagely, audaciously and repeatedly
Threatened to unseat the balanced state of my mental health
Over most of my life, and with hitting stick in hand
My spirit can be seen following intuition’s direction to
Power up and swing my left arm high above my head as
Fury. finally releasing, thwacks straight through
The electric current of inner tension, that’s palpably
Crackling through the air as the the ghost of a bewildered
Lonely, good little girl lands explosive blasts of full blown
Fury upon the mattress, as though each solid strike is meant to
Keep time with every direct, heavy handed word that
This voiceless child had felt too choked by trauma to
Whisper much less scream aloud until, today, when both sides of
My whole rose up, conjoined, and listened to my strength of spirit roar:

You hurt me!
You hurt me, again and again!
I was terrified and you didn’t care at all!
I hate you!
I did not deserve what you did to me, repeatedly!
I was not a bad girl, and I’m not a bad person!
You were evil—you sick damaged pedophile!
I've paid for your crime my whole life and I’m done!
I am a good person!
I deserve not to hurt deep inside that dungeon, anymore!
I deserve to feel happy, through and through!
I need to feel wholly happy!
Not scared half to death deep inside my head!
Just happy, not anxiously conflicted with need for
That wall of denial to damn up oceans of
Fear rising like raging rapids threatening to
Some day swallow my hold on sanity if
The emotional anguish that overwhelms
My intelligence doesn’t stop trickling into
Rushing rivers of latent pain that confound and
Sever my intellect’s connection to clarity until
My disconnect from today’s reality alerts
My intuitive voice to power up and ride out of
The dark side of my mind on flash of insight, which
Serving as my light saber, brightens
My conscious awareness to heighten with
Each painful growth spurt that I've worked
Determinedly to achieve during sessions of
EMDR therapy in which I rewire
My existential, innate need to feel happy and
Peaceful and joyful and
Lovable and worthwhile whether I can be of help to
Others or not—I need to feel grateful for empowering
My processor with the ability to reach in and
Get rid of you and your evil, bullying
Ghost-like presence, which continues to upend
My sense of inner peace, and I plan to accomplish
That mental change for the better while I'm still alive!
I'm sick of the triggers that repeatedly breathe life into
Yesteryear's fear, though I know that you can't
Hurt me, again—I've worked courageously and patiently to
Develop the inner strengths to exercise free will and
I will myself to break the bonds of fear of evil, which
Have stalked good hearted men, women and children
Throughout this dangerous world of ours ever since
The beginning of time—
I will the wholesome sense of my spirit's self-empowered
Preservation to exorcize the shadow of
Your sickness out from under my skin—Forever!

And while this soliloquy poured out of my soul
Ellie—who, over these past thirty-six years has come to
Know me better than most and whose mothering presence
Had held me close to her heart, today, while
I'd wept as though wrenching sobs could wash
Latent pain from muscles, tensed to fend off
The hail storm of misjudgments, which had pelted
My sense of well-being in the past by those who'd
Failed to fathom need to quest to answer why, over
The years of my childhood my skin was
Scratched raw, night after night (Annie's always been
Too sensitive), only to find the unbearable nature of
That tell tale itch worsening while dating during
Adolescence, until such time as I'd become
A beginner adult when my abuser could
No longer separate the calf from the herd—and while
I was seen adopting a fighter's stance in the ring, here
Stood Ellie, alongside me on the other side of
The ropes, coaching me on with:
Hit him harder!  Keep it up!  Picture him in Hell!

So, I did.
Holler while hitting him harder until I was spent.
And though I'm relieved that he's dead
I have to admit feeling unable to condemn my abuser to hell
For this reason:  I know he, too, was abused as a child ...

Several factors triggered this most recent episode of
PTSD to erupt just before Thanksgiving—some of which
Prove highly personal, others societal—as to
The societal factors, not a day has passed without
Scandalous sexual behaviors hitting the news (which
I cannot watch but details, here and there, have
Assaulted my ears with dribs and drabs of
Disastrous acts perpetrated upon women and children by
Parents, teachers, politicians, movie moguls, and
Businessmen, who have felt empowered to devour
The healthy well-being of those who prove
Vulnerable to the voracious appetites inherent in
The bullying bestial side of human nature, such as is
True of Donald Trump, who pretends to be
The leader of the FREE (?) world—leaving
My renewed reconnection to heartfelt sanity asking—
Where is the herd of elephants, whose outrage will
Trumpet so furiously as to drive this leader of
Power-hungry predators out of
The White House, tarred, feathered and tied to
The back of a donkey, which, rather than braying
Demands solidarity of all of those whose actions have
Not yet succumbed to freeing the bestial side of
Their minds to power up, so as to join forces with
Those of the opposing political party, who demonstrate
The courage and humility necessary to
Sweep our governing bodies clean of the immoral
Corruption that has crippled the high principled nature of
Our Declaration of Independence and Constitution in
Time to save The Lady in the Harbor from falling to
Her knees, symbolizing the greater portion (I hope) of
The voting populous pleading for liberation from
The hypocrisy of a political hierarchy bent upon
Serving only their own selfish needs, as has plainly
Come to our attention—as to the highly personal
Factors that triggered this two week episode of
Unnamed, outraged, emotional inner tension that
Grew so great as to arouse latent fear to erupt so
Powerfully as to temporarily flood my processor's
Connection to clarity with anxiety, yet again—Well
That insight driven reveal is still awaiting readiness to
Be expressed for public consumption though
A quartet of puzzle pieces rode out of my mouth after
Hitching a ride on my self-empowering intuitive voice on
The Sunday following Thanksgiving after my belabored
Football team, teeming with injuries sitting on the sidelines
Managed to pull off a victorious win that very few
Sportscasters or die-hard fans expected to happen, symbolizing
This fact:  The game of life is not over at third quarter's end

AND SO, HAS IT EMERGED, AT LAST? THE MISSING PIECE TO INNER PEACE

It is not enough to fortify inner strengths as I continue to age
My change in attitude must do more than
Embrace joy that has been offered to me in
A heartfelt manner, like a banquet served upon a silver platter
If I know that joy is an inside job then
Any change for the better in my attitude must focus upon
Sustaining a soulful sense of joy from deep within my heart by
Coaching myself to fully embrace this late stage of life in
A whole new way:  In short, I need to embrace every day of
Good health as reason to celebrate my existence by
Reminding myself that many lives are not as enriched as
Proves true of mine, which has, thus far, offered me
The good fortune of engaging healthily with advacing age while
My spirit is buoyed on the wings of treasured friends and
Familial love, and now that my spirit guide’s intuitive voice has
Spotlighted the mental challenge that today's string of insights has
Just served up to my intelligence, my conscious awareness has
Come to see the missing piece that my sense of wholeness has been
Seeking during these confounding weeks of mental transition, which
By no means offered my conscious mind so much as a glimpse of
The safe haven of the shoreline upon which inner peace has been
Playing hide and seek with my think tank for months
So, thankfully, now that today’s string of insights has finally (and simply)
Spotlighted, clarified and named this positively focused
Change for the better (namely need to inject my daily attitude with
Joy by creating surprises for others, a specialty of mine), which
Has been brewing ever since last summer when our very sad loss of
Will’s brother (the third in a series of family losses) alerted
My connection to common sense to steady my readiness to
Address how best to react to losses that are bound to increase in
Number, my emotional intelligence has hopefully opened
A new door within the positively focused portion of
My thought processor, which houses my creative center's
Proclivity toward proactivity, which has eagerly awaited
The arrival of my conscious awareness so as to restoke
My spirit with childlike joy, which freely evokes the same degree of
Inquisitive eagerness to enjoy new experiences by embracing
The open-minded attitudes with which Tony, Ray and Ravi greet
Each new day of their young lives ... Oh yes—one more thing:
This change that I'm choosing to create within my mind space
Does not mean that grief will not find me and overwhelm
My spirit with sadness;  This change for the better signifies that
Grief will not blind me to joy waiting in the wings to
Freely dance the light fantastic across center stage in the aftermath of
Each grief filled period of time that is sure to challenge
My mind, heart and spirit to accept irretrievable loss, repeatedly ...
BTW, if you missed last night's CBSCarol Burnett Special, please
Seek it out On Demand—Thank goodness, my spirit felt eager to inhale
The timeless comic genius of Carol's brilliant slapstick-pratfall humor, which
Sparked my spirit to laugh aloud for two hours straight—replacing
The cortisol secreted, naturally, before growth spurts, hotwired to spotlight
Inner conflict, based in subconscious discontent, has turned
The corner whereby today's spirit-lifting sense of
Heartfelt pleasure to be alive has, once again, been actualized
"Once someone asked me how old do I really feel
And I said I feel 8, 9, 10 or 11"
     — Carol Burnett at age 84