193 IMPLANTING SELF CALMING TOOLS INTO OUR BRAINS

Can you sense when a clear and present danger is closing in on you vs. when a sense of your own unresolved anxiety arises from within?


When a clear and present danger is actively closing in on you, your defense system arouses anxiety to signal your awareness that all is not well.


When feelings of unresolved anger or jealousy arise from within, your defense system sends those same signals that all is not well.


So how can you tell when a clear and present danger is actively stalking you vs when your negatively focused feelings towards another person causes you to feel unstable in their presence?


In both cases, anxiety arouses the fight, flee, or freeze instinct, thus creating enough mental static to shatter any thought processing patterns that lead toward solution seeking logic.


As soon as my anxiety arises, I've conditioned my mind to open my tool box, and choose one of five, simple, self calming tools.


These self stabilizing tools encourage my sense of logic to maintain control over my defense system.


Just as my brain was trained to say please and thank you, I've trained my brain to sense the difference between a clear and present danger marching toward me vs. a sense of unresolved anger or jealousy arising from within—me.


Now, imagine this tool box implanted into the brains of your family.


A mind trained to maintain self control has a better chance of securing loving relationships, built upon self confidence vs. offering the kind of love that strikes out each time anxiety is aroused.


Love based in insecurity cannot overcome the fearful need to fight or flee.


Love based in insecurity cannot overcome the need to put the other person down.


Love based in insecurity cannot overcome a sense of victimization, which breathes life into the blame game.


As insecurity is confounding, love feel unstable.


In essence—when securing a stable, loving relationship, one mind can not do the  subconscious work for two.


When one mind works to deepen a sense of reality while the other clings fearfully to denial, the mind working alone, over long, in hopes of penetrating two boulders may exhaust.


So how does sailing away to a peaceful place differ from fleeing?


Each time I sail to a peaceful place, my intention is to rest and reflect upon a conundrum of negatively focused nonsense until confusion clears and bigger pictures emerge.


In short, fleeing differs from finding a peaceful place to think things through in this way:  Fleeing is due to anxious defensiveness, which results in keeping the blame game alive.  Choosing to retreat to a peaceful place to think things through relies upon relaxing the mind until emotional static clears, thus allowing an expanded sense of logic to penetrate more deeply into my conscious mind.


Each time my sense of logic expands, I 'see' my self defeating patterns with a greater sense of clarity.  And as I come to understand my self defeating patterns, ever more deeply, my reason for having engaged in negatively focused nonsense makes sense.


Once my mind makes sense of nonsense, born of subconscious fear, I'd have to be crazy to consciously jump into that self defeating, hazy maze, again.


As I'd mentioned in my very first post, crazy is one thing that I definitely am not!  Zany, okay.  Crazy, no way.  Thank goodness for my toolbox.  J

192 A CALMING SENSE OF LEADERSHIP DURING CONFLICT

"The principles of calm assertive energy will help you become a better pack leader in every area of your life, improving your relationships with family, friends and coworkers."

"Animals don't follow unstable leaders; only humans promote, follow and praise instability. Only humans have leaders who can lie and get away with it. Around the world, most of the pack leaders we follow today are not stable. Their followers may not know it, but Mother Nature is far too honest to be fooled by angry, frustrated, jealous, competitive, stubborn or other negative energy—even if it's masked by a politician's smile. That's because all animals can evaluate and discern what balanced energy feels like. A dog can not evaluate how intelligent a human is, or how rich, or how powerful or how popular. A dog doesn't care if a leader has a Ph.D. from Harvard or is a five star general. But a dog can definitely tell a stable human from an unstable one. We humans continue to follow the unstable energy of our leaders—which is why we don't live in a peaceful, balanced world."

"Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of people born to be pack leaders in the human world. ... We need to be, because like it or not, the human species has taken over the planet, and we have brought many animals into our civilized world with us. ... We need to lead them for their own well-being and safety. We must also become good pack leaders for the sake of ... humans. ... We need to control (certain) instincts if we are to live in harmony among other animals and humans. ... You're relating to Mother Nature every day ... You're forced to be calm-assertive because you have to connect with Mother Nature on her terms, in order to survive." 

These quotes, taken from Cesar Millan, the dog whisperer, "address several important issues ... including what you need to know about the major dog BEHAVIOR TOOLS available ..."

I picked up Cesar's book, because a new puppy has joined our extended family. As fate would have it, I thumbed through several pages until my eye spied each of these quotes.  Upon reading the book jacket's cover flap, the words, BEHAVIOR TOOLS, jumped out at me, and I thought: WOW! The dog whisperer is my kind of guy. Here he is writing about Mother Nature, animal instincts and the need to consciously transform anger, fear, frustration, jealousy—in short, negative energy fields—into positively focused, self controlled, assertive, leadership, which inspires calmness, all around.

It should come as no surprise that making sense of leadership in the animal kingdom is no different from making sense of negatively charged nonsense in our homes—except for this:

Whereas a dog's reactions are based solely in instinct ...
Much of what we've been taught to think throws our instincts off track.
When mixed messages throw us off track for too long, it can take a herculean effort to redirect thought patterns, which have adopted a negative bent.

Knowing how consistently I've had to work to change my thought patterns, I created five simple tools, which inspire families to resolve conflicts calmly and compassionately instead of storming about, raining anger, jealousy and fear on each other's parades. When family leaders have been coached to role model patterns, which embrace five positively focused, simple rules of conduct, disputes lean toward peaceful resolution before desperation trashes the golden rule.

"Ultimately," says Cesar Millan, "What emerges ... are happier dogs and happier more centered owners."

The quotes appearing in this post were taken from Millan's book—BE THE PACK LEADER.  For some strange reason, my CAPS LOCK key failed to capitalize that title.  As frustration began to build, I switched tracks by conjuring up creativity.  Upon freeing my mind from adhering to a learned pattern, which for unknown reasons had failed, I switched to THE SHIFT KEY and met with success.

If we liken mysteries inherent in computers to mysteries inherent in life,  you can see why past experience with failure offered me good reason to create communication tools that consciously SHIFT my focus away from defensive thought processing patterns.  Each time a challenging issue calls for calm, assertive, self controlled, solution seeking skills, I call upon one of these tools.  And low and behold, as my attitude improves, my narrow frame of mind expands.

As issues are reframed and bigger pictures emerge, negative tension shifts gears, and positive energy inspires solutions to which I'd been blind.  Needless to say, I had to model these tools consistently before my children adopted positively focused, solution-seeking pathways, as well.

The memory of these words flowing out of my child's mind always makes me smile:

"Mom, we're fighting over this toy, so you'd better put it on a high shelf while we decide who'll play with it first."

I kid you not!

Interesting, isn't it, that dogs sense unstable (conflicted) leaders more readily than people can?  Whereas dogs react instinctively to energy fields,  the complex functions of the human brain have trouble sensing energy fields, which signal mind manipulation, while a speaker's words 'seem' to flow with compassion.

As Cesar Millan suggests with tongue in cheek:
"Psychologists define D-E-N-I-A-L as ... Don't-Even-Notice-I-Am-Lying."


Just as dogs sense Cesar's stabilized leadership skills,  I now realize why children sense the stabilizing effect of these tools.  As to whether these tools can successfully redirect the defensive reactions of adults—well—having led seminars for many years, I can safely say that adults who muster the courage to embrace both sides of human nature are not afraid to peel away denial's mask.

Last week, I saw BUCK, a heartwarming film about the horse whisperer.
Clearly, Cesar and Buck are my kind of guys!!! J

191. KISS AGAIN! PART 17 BOILING POINTS OR TURNING POINTS (191)

Common sense suggests that approaching walls of denial becomes more exhausting than wise.  In order for self-control to by-pass its boiling point, a turning point declares “Enough is enough!” 

As to love connections, which are deeply valued on both sides, well, in most cases the relationship limps along until exhaustion pulls the switch on that turning point; the light of hope goes out, and both sides grope around more in the dark than ever before.


Once my spirit takes time to rejuvenate, hope re-ignites.
And once again, I tunnel toward the light.

Denial creates attitude—and attitude is everything.

When you are driving a car toward a wall—the wall always wins.
Denial does not allow you know when your wall is up.
Let anxiety be your guide.

If attitude is everything, then self-awareness is the key to unlocking cages.


When I want to open a tin and set imprisoned strengths free to identify which of my negatively focused attitudes may be misperceiving and damaging a relationship, I value deeply, I look into my mirror.


As you shall see, when the subject is love, I've learned to set my sights on this hope:  As long as two people are on this side of the grass, my sights are set on turning points more frequently than boiling points or breaking points.

        

189 KISS AGAIN! PART 15 WHAT DO I KNOW SO FAR?

Each time I muster the courage to check ‘into’ myself, I get to ‘KNOW’ more about my character traits.


Each time some aspect of my life remains mired in confusion over long, that sense of confusion signals me to work toward retrieving another 'lost' piece of my puzzle.


It’s not as though I know which puzzle pieces are in need of ‘recovery’.


It’s more like I can sense that when all is not well for quite a spell, it’s wise to look in instead of assuming that someone else is at fault.


ABC  No more bullies, victims or villains for me!


Each time a memory pops out that I forgot to remember, insight hits:  Billy craved my attention.  John’s fury conveyed hurt rather than hate.


Each time a confusing detail pops up and settles into its proper place, my narrow perception of the ‘bigger picture’ expands.


As my perception expands, my perspective, concerning both sides of human nature reshapes.  For instance, the anger I'd repressed regarding the sixth grade girls relaxed when this question came to mind:  Why did I feel like sticking pins into them, but not into myself?  Did I invite all of the girls in my class to my slumber parties?  As we can see on others that which we're blind to within ourselves makes pots and kettles of us, all.


The more I see of myself
The less judgmental of others
I become.
Less judgment inspires more compassion
TA DA!




When it comes to communication skills, here are the most important insights that I’ve absorbed, thus far:


I can’t communicate clearly with others until my mind clears of misperception born of FEAR.


Each fear that pops out of my subconscious is always a surprise to me.


No matter how much I sponge up, concerning: speaking skills, listening skills, primal needs, basic instincts, attitudes, thought processing pathways, self-motivation, clarity, repression, suppression, sensitivity, fearful mazes, self control and letting go—there’s more to learn about subconscious mind games that we don't know we play.

As each story unfolds, we'll watch me learn something new, because …

Adventures

Into self awareness

Have no end

If the brain is the new frontier
I'm happy to ride the wagon train
And call myself a pioneer.


Thank goodness my curious mind
Musters the humility to set my ego aside
In order to explore that which I need to know—about myself


Each time I open my mind
And absorb something to which I'd been blind
A vulnerability, which had weakened me, strengthens


Each time humility sets my ego to the side
I am able to muster courage under fire
And thus do vulnerabilities develop into acquired strengths


As for now here is

One last question and insight

For today:

Who was I subconsciously mad at when my instincts fought Joseph off?


When the mind misperceives one person for another, innocent people become scapegoats.


I have faith that given time, this mystery will be resolved.
☺Your friend,  Annie

188. KISS AGAIN! PART 14 WHAT HAVE I FORGOTTEN TO REMEMBER?

What if I'd forgotten to remember
Grandma and her broom?
What if I'd forgotten to remember
Billy cavorting like a lunatic on our front lawn?
What if my self image had absorbed so many beatings on that bus
That my self esteem had developed this problem:
It had become my unconscious habit to put myself down
What if, having perceived myself as unattractive
I'd never entertained so much as one thought
To this possibility until Billy popped out of my memory bank
Several posts back:
Billy might have had a 'thing for me' ...


During those years when my mind had been busy
Putting myself down
It could not occur to me
That when Grandma had chased Billy down the street ...
Swinging her broom in a threatening way
She may have sensed something about Billy's shenanigans
That my darkened self perceptions had thoroughly blocked out


Just as
I'd perceived Billy as silly
I'd perceived Joseph as hateful
I'd perceived myself as outcast


Having perceived myself as social pariah
My perceptions had been driven by fear
If F-E-A-R and insecurity are one and the same then
Insecurity is a relationship killer on the loose in the dark


Who gives you anxiety?
No one gives anyone anxiety.
Anxiety arises from within.
Anxiety signals us that danger may be lurking quite near.


However, what if that near and present danger, which we 'sense', has been lurking within the subconscious sides of our minds?


What may result when subconscious signals of danger confuse today's positive experiences with yesterday's terrifying events?


What if signals of danger arise from within one's psyche whenever new experiences feel remotely similar to memories, which had caused your emotional development to dive into a deep freeze?


If Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder is known to freeze the development of a child's mind within a terrorized place, how might that child, too young to fathom the complexities of the dark side of human nature, be freed from suffering the ill effects, thrust upon the psyche at such a vulnerable time of life?


As all who suffer from PTSD
Are in need of astute, supportive, positively focused guidance ...
I am your friend
I want to hold your hand


If this post arouses anxiety within you ...
Trust me to tunnel, courageously with you
Away from yesterday's dark gloom of fear
Toward today's transparent sense of clarity.


Whereas insecurity
Blinds us to love

Clarity bonds love with love
Clarity doth not exist in the dark


Please accept my invitation
To muster the courage to hold my hand
So together
We may tunnel toward the light


Did I see Joseph as he was?
Or as I feared?
Did I see Billy as he was
Or as I'd thought?


Do I know beyond a shadow of a doubt
Whether the coal-mining kisser
Had been Joseph, Billy, or perhaps ...
Someone else?


It comes clear that
All too often
We assume
To know that which we do not


As the brain is hardwired
To mistake assumptions for facts
We'd be wise to identify and question our assumptions
More often than we do


Though some mysteries may seem easily solved, puzzle pieces, which do not fit solidly, here or there, rattle round inside our minds for quite some time.


Perhaps I'll run into Joseph or Billy, some day.  If so, I'll ask questions.


Then, I'll say sorry for batting you away when, in truth, I'd embraced your kiss.  I'll say sorry that Grandma chased you down the street with a broom.


I'll eagerly offer up the gift of transparency, because in lieu of insecurity, I have no reason to hide.


If Joseph or Billy turns up, recognizes me, hears me out, and then looks at me quizzically, because neither has any memory of that which I speak, so be it.


Below you'll find three of the most important points that I've ever made in any post, published thus far:


Embracing my vulnerability is one of my greatest strengths.
I have no fear of tunneling into the dark side toward the light.
I am not afraid to expand the narrow focus of my perceptions


Thank goodness, I've worked to develop
Inner strengths, which allow me to
Embrace both sides of my traits.


Upon embracing both sides of myself as a whole
I grasp a deeper understanding of my past mistakes
With depth in comprehensive clarity comes inner peace


Each time I muster the courage necessary
To develop inner strengths
My perceptions of the past expand


As I accept personal vulnerabilities
Which had caused me to make mistakes in judgment
I work consciously to forgive the vulnerabilities of others


As human vulnerabilities fling mistakes, back and forth
Courage, humility and generosity of spirit enable two people
To welcome love, holding hands


On the other hand
Common sense suggests standing back
When the defensive reactions of others strike out.


Strike one!  Strike two!  Strike three!
Watch me retreat to a peaceful place—until
We can pitch each other the truth, straight on


Please do not expect me to ride a train of thought
That circles round and round
The same negatively focused track—clickety clack


Negatively focused tracks
Go nowhere fast—
Again and again


Though I've looked for Joseph at every high school reunion, I think to know why he's not showed up, as of yet.  I'd stopped spying him in the halls way before we'd graduated, and I know his family had continued to live down the block from my house past high school, past college, past my years of teaching fifth grade.  I know this for a fact because I'd often waved hello upon seeing his mother, outside.  Once I saw Joseph on crutches.  And during the Viet Nam War, I'd spied a military flag, which had been hung in the window of their front door.  As for Billy, I'd not thought to seek him out until—today.


Though I'm eager for KISS AGAIN to pull into the station where high school's unexpected adventures await to unfold—who knows what my mind will choose to write when I sit down to post in the tomorrows, yet to unfold.


Though many lightsabers are locked up deep inside, only the shadow mind knows which trains of thought may feel the need to pop out of hidden tunnels within my head—clickety-clack ...  :-)

187. KISS AGAIN! Part 13 TRAIN RIDE THROUGH THE TUNNEL OF LOVE

We are on a class trip.  We're underground.  We're in a train.  We're swallowed by a tunnel.  Inside the train it is as black as soot.  While riding in this train—deep within the bowels of the earth—chugging toward a coal mine—a mystery occurs.


While the wheels on the cars of this train go clickety-clack along the track, it's too dark to see anything other than—nothing.  Darkness blocks out any hint of the world just like—
A fearful mind darkens the transparency of hope, pacing, back and forth.


While my classmates sit, wiggling, giggling and twittering, like a flock of nervous birds on a wire, I sense movement closing in on me.  Suddenly a hard body lurches against mine, and a kiss, stolen in the dark, plants itself on my face.  Though that mysterious kiss surprised me decades ago, all I need do to conjure up my stunned sense of shock, right now, is close my eyes.


I mean, what guy in his right mind might long to kiss an unattractive outcast like me?


This reaction swoops in when self perception and reality do not match.  Unfortunately, this solid mental block of darkness within my mind will put me down for decades to come.  Thank goodness I am, presently, practiced being kind to myself; otherwise I'd call myself a blockhead, right now.  Instead, I'll resurrect my self esteem by raising questions, such as these:


Who might want to kiss someone like me?
Might that someone be a guy whose heart had yet to heal after his demonstration of ardor had been soundly battered about the head?


Certainly, whomever had consciously chosen to kiss me in the dark did not hate me, through and through.  As decades will pass before I perceive of Joseph pacing, hopefully rather than menacingly—back and forth—before my house, I'd truly no clue as to who'd felt the need to steal kiss #2 in the train.


At that time, while my mind had been busy putting myself down, any thought of Joseph feeling the need to plant that kiss did not make sense.  Today, it's plain to see that had I mustered the courage to dry my tears, open my front door and meet Joseph half way, the picture I'd painted of myself as social outcast would have shattered as fast as transparent glass.


Joseph's 'hate' had not locked me in a tower with characters in novels as friends.  The enemy, which had tied my tongue into a lump of fear, which choked my throat whenever The Leader of the Pack drew near, had threatened me from within.  Today it's plain to see that the enemy, which had lumbered around, casting evil spells upon my psyche, had been named—Subconscious Insecurity.


And so, when the truth be told, today, Joseph had offered me many opportunities to hold his hand.  Unfortunately, fear made me pull up my drawbridge, time and again.


Fear of what?  Fear of whom?  So far—only the shadow mind knows those answers, for sure ...


On the other hand—What if I'm assuming—inaccurately—again?
What if the coal-mine kisser had not been Joseph, at all ...
What if for decades I'd forgotten to remember ...

186 KISS AGAIN! PART 12b A STUN GUN

As for me
I remain paralyzed inside my house
A prisoner of fear


Fear packs the power of a stun gun
Fear blinds my eyes from seeing hope
Pacing back and forth outside my house


Fear blocks my voice
From saying
I'm too scared to show how deeply I favor you


Fear blocks my ears
From hearing
This signal in friendship's whistle ...


Come out.  Come out
I mean you no harm
I want to hold your hand


Fear blocks my mind
From sensing that
Joseph treasures our friendship as much as I do


Fear blocks my comprehension
From recognizing
That his glare matched my smack


Fear blocks my ability
To recognize those times when
Today's anxiety is of my own making


I'm so stunned by subconscious fear
That I'll not recognize
Joseph's return as a sure sign of his love for me


For decades
The defensive state of my memory
Will focus solely upon what happened to me


For decades
The narrowness of my perspective
Will dismiss the significance of what happened all around


For decades
Clarity will be lost
In this hazy, defensive maze


For decades
The opaqueness of fear
Will blind me to the transparency of Joseph's love


For decades
I'll fail to see how the opaqueness of fear

Knocks the truth on its ear

For decades

The opaqueness of my fear
Will twist the truth into something it's not


For decades
The opaqueness of fear
Will twist my negative view of Joseph's love into—hate


For decades
I'll have no clue that latent insecurity

Is at the heart of every mystery that bites me


Year after year

The opaqueness of subconscious fear will dismiss all sense of truth

Except for the fact that I'd been hurt—again


Picture me

Decades ago
A twelve year old girl, quaking inside my house


Picture me
Hiding behind the living room drapes
Peering anxiously at Joseph, pacing, outside our picture window


Picture me
Rejecting myself
While love paces hopefully within reach


Picture silent tears
Cascading down
My cheeks


Picture fear
Blocking me from seeing Joseph's hopeful heart
Pacing back and forth


Picture fear
Making me believe that Joseph is lurking
In front of my house—menacingly


Picture broken pathways within my subconscious
Misperceiving, misinterpreting, misunderstanding
Joseph's pacing for—stalking


What manner of distorted fear gnaws at my core?

What latent memory
Mistakes love and friendship for—danger and hate?

Though I think myself safe inside my house
Subconscious fear stops me from feeling secure within
For decades—until—


I'll grow up and choose to solve mysteries
By learning how to tunnel into my psyche
Where I'll retrieve one lost puzzle piece at a time


As you watch me
Peel self-protective defensiveness away—
One layer at a time ...


You'll see me gain inner strength by seeking guidance
Which will coach me to work at communicating courageously
With both sides of  myself


As a child of twelve
I'd not understood
The importance of unlocking my subconscious memory bank


As stories, concerning each decade of my life, unfold
You'll see forgotten memories pop up and
Slide into place, one by one


Each time I dive into the deep
No one will be more relieved then me
To see objectivity reshaping confusion into clarity


As stories unfold and negatively focused memories expand
A mature sense of realism
Soothes the rawness of subconscious pain away

Each time

The spongy side of my mind absorbs a 'new' juicy clue

You'll see me close in on solving a scary mystery

That Mother Nature thought it best for a child forget

And as I
Continue to peel away at
Confusing layers of fire and ice


You'll watch me muster inner strengths
Which I'd misplaced for many a year
After naysayers had dismissed the serious nature of my plight


Upon collecting and reassembling these lost puzzle pieces
One Ah Ha! moment
Will lead to the next


And though
I am still puzzled, today
As to why I'd cuffed Joseph instead of returning his kiss


Please note how injections of self trust
Calm my mind with this positively focused belief:
I have the strength to muster the courage to connect with clarity


And as I believe in my ability to tunnel toward clarity
My mind feels empowered to separate fantasy from reality

And thus is my sense of security self assured—right now 

While examining

Strength-invoking beliefs

Let's try this one on for size:

Let's say that while moving through a confusing time

I sense another person's need to level the playing field

By 'putting me down'

Instead of wasting my energy, staying mad
I place my faith and patience in
My problem solving skills


And as my energy remains focused upon
Solving this mystery, as to why another needs to put me down
My spirit stays strong


Though I can not tell
When you and I
Shall gaze into the pot of gold


I sense that at the end of my quest to figure out why

I answered Joseph's kiss by smacking his self esteem
The reason for my stormy subconscious reaction will emerge, at last


And thus, when layers of self protectiveness are peeled away
And I reach into that pot, you'll watch me muster the courage to
Stare down the mysterious eye of the tiger, once and for all


And what, I ask might make a psyche
Feel as peaceful, fully spirited and whole
As a positively focused outcome, such as that!


Once I've mustered the courage, necessary
To conquer subconscious 'fear of the unknown'
My voice will ring out with a jubilant—Whoopee!


Whoopsee!
I almost leaped from here, straight into high school
I almost forgot that I've not yet clued you in
As to why that second kiss was as shocking as the first!


How silly—
Or should I say
Forgetful—of me ...