May 11, 2019
Today, upon awakening
Will said I’d yelled louder than ever in the dark of night
Intuition replied: Last night’s dream tapped into
A long repressed belief that my personal world feels like such
A dangerous place as to have aroused feelings of—guess what?
Protective readiness—not to defend myself but rather—to muster
The courage necessary to write the rest of the story about a young girl in
An alley who, having been grabbed up, felt like prey, yet again
And here’s what the content of my dream conveys to me—
Two experiences, which feel alike, often prove highly dissimilar, and
In last night’s dream, I’d felt responsible for the welfare of four tots
Who are they? I believe the quartet appearing my dream is symbolic of
Holding myself subconsciously accountable for overseeing
The safekeeping of my precious trio of grandchildren, Tony, Ray and Ravi
Goodness knows that I’ve experienced sound reason to feel ever more
Self aware of my role as their protector from evil than had been true of loving
Adults, who’d fathomed no clue of harm befalling a sweet little girl, like me
By day, I feel compelled to work toward unlocking doors inside my head while
By night, I’ve repeatedly dreamt of being alone, feeling too terror struck to lock
The front door of my childhood home while a pedophile, outside, turns the knob
I’ve identified the fourth child in last night’s dream as having been ME at
An early stage of my life; however, the message emanating from within
The repetitive nature of the dream about the pedophile turning the knob has changed
With intuitive readiness guiding today’s courage to approach that door, I’ve been
Unconsciously motivating myself to close in on revealing the full spectrum of
Yesteryear’s emotional reactions, which had been defensively repressed until—now
Though feeling deeply agitated throughout last night’s dream when I couldn’t
Lock the dark specter of evil out of our safe haven, I didn’t scream for HELP
I screamed, assertively—GET AWAY FROM MY DOOR!
See what I mean about two situations seeming similar when they’re not?
Will heard me cry out, assuming my nightmare had indicated terror until
I clarified my dream as expressing today’s courage overcoming yesteryear’s fear
Whew! Thank you to every therapist who has answered my endless questions
Concerning the complex inner workings of a brain, which, like a Timex, takes
A licking and goes on ticking without clear-eyed positivity running down
Saturday, May 11, 2019
Thursday, May 9, 2019
DURING AN INNER SQUALL, INSIGHTS FLOAT MY BOAT TO SHORE
Now and then, my inquisitive nature can’t help but wonder as to the depths of encouragement that your spirit may need to ready your mind’s sense of creative productivity to close in on a heartfelt, long range goal, which did not feel possible to achieve until an Aha moment, based in the emergence of a string of insights, inspired an attitudinal change for the better to pop out of your head as proved true for me when I chose to relaunch the last train of thought (penned just before this one) into cyberspace, this morning, after my conscious awareness, feeling utterly immersed in personal need to navigate a deep sea fishing expedition, floated off course away from wherever you may have thought I’d dropped anchor, last night, and as my think tank surfaced far from the shoreline where I'd intended to dock, overnight, my spirit is peaceably beckoning to yours in hopes of coaxing your think tank to float toward this tide pool, which rolled in, this morning, all aglow with fully formed strings of insights shining forth brightly from within an assortment of cockles and oysters that struggled to polish up my last train of thought, which proves so seaworthy of your reconsideration as to set attention-getting bells a-ringing —hear ye hear ye—by proclamation of thy friend, Annie, please be certain not to miss even one lustrous pearl ... (OMG—where did that come from?—LOL!)
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
3 INSIGHT REVEALS MY SUBCONSCIOUS MISSION IN PENNING MY LIFE STORY
Whereas feelings, being instinctive, are physical in nature thoughts are mental, so let’s make a mental note of my having decided to pen my life story before insight spotlighted my subconscious mission to clarify those times when instinctive feelings of insecure neediness stimulated my release of The Pleaser within me to meet the needs of others while denying basic needs, which proved to be my own.
Why make this mental note? Because, as of late, I’ve been consciously giving myself permission to honor my thought processor’s weariness by choosing to retire the pleaser along with the fixer, suggesting that ‘tis change for the better, indeed, to identify my need for downtime before exhaustion sets in, most especially at those times when intuition alerts my connection to courage to compel me to string together additional insights concerning my ongoing process of identifying and healing the current emergence of repressed pain that I’d had no conscious clue of concealing from myself in the surprising aftermath of that which transpired between Joseph and me in the alley when, at the age of twelve, a surge of anxiety, sweeping my swirling processor ever more deeply into the dark recesses of Alice’s rabbit hole, mistook the impassioned lunge of a young boy for the cold hearted pedophile, who had ravaged me.
In short, feelings, being instinctive, just come. On the other hand, thoughts are based in attitudes, and as attitudes are absorbed, they can change. To make matters more complicated, thoughts, whether good natured or mean minded, give rise to feelings. And just as attitudes change (for better or worse), thoughts become more darkly defensive or brightly expansive, and as changing thoughts challenge that which we perceive as being true, our feelings change, too. Inner conflict is pretty dizzying, right? If clarity is essential to logic we need to highlight the part insight plays in spotlighting sound reasons for walking a path where growth spurts, leaps of faith and heightening self perceptiveness rightfully identify and challenge personal insecurities absorbed at times when we’d accepted the misjudgments of others for truth ...
With that insight in mind do we come to see why every story I feel need to tell as my saga unfolds will offer up the gift of additional insights spotlighting emotionally repressed pain awaiting reveal to myself before my soulful quest to calm anxiety can actively repair each damaged portion of my self respect, which, having been found lacking in self esteem still chokes back the self assertive portion of my voice, thus thwarting me from meeting with success by way of unconsciously crashing into a moment of subconscious self destruction before my current level of self confident readiness to confront the reality of yet another self disparaging pattern thought, buried alive, is clarified within the conscious portion of my mind. Whew! The complexity of this paragraph may be in need of more work once my current state of inner tension feels less mentally taxed, more physically relaxed.
Ah—sweet patience, if only thee could become consistently calm, through and through, insight would emerge from behind my wall of defensive denial with less struggle so as to ease my way through inner conflict. As my capacity to tolerate emotional struggle with patience comes to feel ever less mentally challenging (ever more physically relaxed), personal gains based in insight-laden peace of mind will emerge with less constricting bands of repressed pain channeling throughout my physicality from head to toe, inclusive of tightening the musculature of my throat, my heart and my abdomen, to say nothing of my long ago injured sciatic nerve, which throbs hotly whenever my central nervous system tenses up with yesteryear’s electrically stimulated current emergence of repressed emotional distress—that was quite a mouthful!
And now, as a gorgeous sunset is upon us, as though God is actively painting the desert sky-scape, above, breathtaking hues ranging from hot pink to burnt orange, grazing the peaks of purple mountain majesties, I can be seen swaying back and forth on my well padded, two-seater, back patio swing, gazing upward in hopes of spying The Bard soaring overhead while engaged in thoughtful discourse with his sidekick, The Sage, but alas, all I can see (I mean feel) is the breeze whistling through the leaves of my grapefruit tree as if imparting two words of existential encouragement into my ear—Know Thyself—and knowing my thoughts to be on the same wavelength of The Bard, The Sage, and Henry James for quite some time, I, feeling sound reason to smile, believe that soon, the rocky nature of my current emotional turmoil will quiet inside my head—at least for a spell ... why? Well, each time my processor openly acknowledges yet another deeply repressed emotional pain coupling with today’s sense of positively focused courage and tolerant patience with inner conflict concerning stepping toward the great unknown, I gain an ever heightening awareness of the fact that I’d experienced more than my fair share of confounded desperation during childhood and managed to thrive rather than seeing myself as survivor, and with that deeper truth floating brightly through the forefront of my neocortex, my connection to self respect multiplies exponentially, suggesting my absorption of just cause for my repressed guilt-ridden self estimation to continue to change for the better—and thus has today’s insight-laden intuitive train of thought spotlighted the primary concern of my existential quest as having been directly related to my need to acknowledge those times when decreasing feelings of latent physical pain (whether lodged inside my head, throat, chest, stomach or leg) rely upon my calm, clear intuitive intelligence to emerge ever more courageously whenever instinct releases a subconsciously repressed terrifying moment on my personal time that my forward focus (concerning emotionally maturity) feels readied to identify and confront, head-on, so as to relieve heightened degrees of repressed mental unrest in need of conscious reveal. Whew!
As clarifying today’s train of thought for myself challenged my current mental capacity to advance yet another rung up the ladder of emotional maturity, I can’t even begin to convey how challenged I feel whenever my think tank is actively specifying which words will hopefully most clearly convey my innermost feelings, thus disclosing current changes for the better relating to the highly complex, interconnected functionalities of my whole brain’s good health to you and to me, too!
And if you ask, Annie, why doth that inner need choose to turn the spotlight of insight upon itself so often, my improved attitudes, concerning self esteem would intuitively reply: Nothing stimulates my connection to mental intrigue as does the multi-functional nature of the human brain caught in the act of healing itself by advancing toward confronting (rather than dodging and and weaving away from) denial’s repressed pain based in a lifetime pattern of PTSD, which proves as difficult to recover from as is true of the drug addict, determined to successfully undergo withdrawal in rehab—and as PTSD accompanies me wherever I go, the more I choose to heal my sense of self respect the more grateful I’ll feel about my good fortune to note that this brain of mine, which also accompanies me everywhere I go, grows ever more consciously capable of identifying expunging repressed pain, suggesting that wherever you feel need to go, you, like me, never need feel fear of losing your hold on your existential self, thus abandoning yourself to the misjudgments of others—and with that ‘peace’ of personal KNOW(thyself)LEDGE fueling my long range goal of being led by the healthy portion of my consciously recovering mind, my soul’s inner peace remains stoked much more often with stockpiles of positive focus as I continue to age, feeling younger than springtime ... and if you’re assuming that I had a conscious clue of airing today’s insight-driven train of thought before it poured naturally out of my soulful attitude, word by word, all on its own, may I respectfully suggest that you seriously consider consulting with the depths of your think tank’s determination to absorb thoughts that may differ from your own ...
Why make this mental note? Because, as of late, I’ve been consciously giving myself permission to honor my thought processor’s weariness by choosing to retire the pleaser along with the fixer, suggesting that ‘tis change for the better, indeed, to identify my need for downtime before exhaustion sets in, most especially at those times when intuition alerts my connection to courage to compel me to string together additional insights concerning my ongoing process of identifying and healing the current emergence of repressed pain that I’d had no conscious clue of concealing from myself in the surprising aftermath of that which transpired between Joseph and me in the alley when, at the age of twelve, a surge of anxiety, sweeping my swirling processor ever more deeply into the dark recesses of Alice’s rabbit hole, mistook the impassioned lunge of a young boy for the cold hearted pedophile, who had ravaged me.
In short, feelings, being instinctive, just come. On the other hand, thoughts are based in attitudes, and as attitudes are absorbed, they can change. To make matters more complicated, thoughts, whether good natured or mean minded, give rise to feelings. And just as attitudes change (for better or worse), thoughts become more darkly defensive or brightly expansive, and as changing thoughts challenge that which we perceive as being true, our feelings change, too. Inner conflict is pretty dizzying, right? If clarity is essential to logic we need to highlight the part insight plays in spotlighting sound reasons for walking a path where growth spurts, leaps of faith and heightening self perceptiveness rightfully identify and challenge personal insecurities absorbed at times when we’d accepted the misjudgments of others for truth ...
With that insight in mind do we come to see why every story I feel need to tell as my saga unfolds will offer up the gift of additional insights spotlighting emotionally repressed pain awaiting reveal to myself before my soulful quest to calm anxiety can actively repair each damaged portion of my self respect, which, having been found lacking in self esteem still chokes back the self assertive portion of my voice, thus thwarting me from meeting with success by way of unconsciously crashing into a moment of subconscious self destruction before my current level of self confident readiness to confront the reality of yet another self disparaging pattern thought, buried alive, is clarified within the conscious portion of my mind. Whew! The complexity of this paragraph may be in need of more work once my current state of inner tension feels less mentally taxed, more physically relaxed.
Ah—sweet patience, if only thee could become consistently calm, through and through, insight would emerge from behind my wall of defensive denial with less struggle so as to ease my way through inner conflict. As my capacity to tolerate emotional struggle with patience comes to feel ever less mentally challenging (ever more physically relaxed), personal gains based in insight-laden peace of mind will emerge with less constricting bands of repressed pain channeling throughout my physicality from head to toe, inclusive of tightening the musculature of my throat, my heart and my abdomen, to say nothing of my long ago injured sciatic nerve, which throbs hotly whenever my central nervous system tenses up with yesteryear’s electrically stimulated current emergence of repressed emotional distress—that was quite a mouthful!
And now, as a gorgeous sunset is upon us, as though God is actively painting the desert sky-scape, above, breathtaking hues ranging from hot pink to burnt orange, grazing the peaks of purple mountain majesties, I can be seen swaying back and forth on my well padded, two-seater, back patio swing, gazing upward in hopes of spying The Bard soaring overhead while engaged in thoughtful discourse with his sidekick, The Sage, but alas, all I can see (I mean feel) is the breeze whistling through the leaves of my grapefruit tree as if imparting two words of existential encouragement into my ear—Know Thyself—and knowing my thoughts to be on the same wavelength of The Bard, The Sage, and Henry James for quite some time, I, feeling sound reason to smile, believe that soon, the rocky nature of my current emotional turmoil will quiet inside my head—at least for a spell ... why? Well, each time my processor openly acknowledges yet another deeply repressed emotional pain coupling with today’s sense of positively focused courage and tolerant patience with inner conflict concerning stepping toward the great unknown, I gain an ever heightening awareness of the fact that I’d experienced more than my fair share of confounded desperation during childhood and managed to thrive rather than seeing myself as survivor, and with that deeper truth floating brightly through the forefront of my neocortex, my connection to self respect multiplies exponentially, suggesting my absorption of just cause for my repressed guilt-ridden self estimation to continue to change for the better—and thus has today’s insight-laden intuitive train of thought spotlighted the primary concern of my existential quest as having been directly related to my need to acknowledge those times when decreasing feelings of latent physical pain (whether lodged inside my head, throat, chest, stomach or leg) rely upon my calm, clear intuitive intelligence to emerge ever more courageously whenever instinct releases a subconsciously repressed terrifying moment on my personal time that my forward focus (concerning emotionally maturity) feels readied to identify and confront, head-on, so as to relieve heightened degrees of repressed mental unrest in need of conscious reveal. Whew!
As clarifying today’s train of thought for myself challenged my current mental capacity to advance yet another rung up the ladder of emotional maturity, I can’t even begin to convey how challenged I feel whenever my think tank is actively specifying which words will hopefully most clearly convey my innermost feelings, thus disclosing current changes for the better relating to the highly complex, interconnected functionalities of my whole brain’s good health to you and to me, too!
And if you ask, Annie, why doth that inner need choose to turn the spotlight of insight upon itself so often, my improved attitudes, concerning self esteem would intuitively reply: Nothing stimulates my connection to mental intrigue as does the multi-functional nature of the human brain caught in the act of healing itself by advancing toward confronting (rather than dodging and and weaving away from) denial’s repressed pain based in a lifetime pattern of PTSD, which proves as difficult to recover from as is true of the drug addict, determined to successfully undergo withdrawal in rehab—and as PTSD accompanies me wherever I go, the more I choose to heal my sense of self respect the more grateful I’ll feel about my good fortune to note that this brain of mine, which also accompanies me everywhere I go, grows ever more consciously capable of identifying expunging repressed pain, suggesting that wherever you feel need to go, you, like me, never need feel fear of losing your hold on your existential self, thus abandoning yourself to the misjudgments of others—and with that ‘peace’ of personal KNOW(thyself)LEDGE fueling my long range goal of being led by the healthy portion of my consciously recovering mind, my soul’s inner peace remains stoked much more often with stockpiles of positive focus as I continue to age, feeling younger than springtime ... and if you’re assuming that I had a conscious clue of airing today’s insight-driven train of thought before it poured naturally out of my soulful attitude, word by word, all on its own, may I respectfully suggest that you seriously consider consulting with the depths of your think tank’s determination to absorb thoughts that may differ from your own ...
Sunday, May 5, 2019
2 IF THE BARD ASKETH: WHY DOTH THIS RETIRED TEACHER OF COMMUNICATIONS WRITE FOR HOURS EACH DAY?
I would graciously reply—my choice to air insights relating to my personal quest is twofold: First of all, each time my power of intuitive thought guides my intelligence to dive ever more deeply into my past in hopes of stirring a deeper truth to break through my defense system’s wall of denial so that, upon surfacing, I feel self-empowered to clearly revive the assertive portion of my voice, which, no longer feeling need to remain fully anesthetized, re-energizes my own forward moving momentum in which attitudinal changes for the better (concerning my self disparaging misperceptions, which had remained subconsciously repressed since early childhood) feel ready to spotlight each next insight awaiting my arrival at the end of each tunnel that has existed inside the dark side of my head ever since 'this one or that one' had thought to cast a disparaging insult in my direction, which, as proves common to every young child, had been absorbed by my processor as unquestionably true.
And if clearing my brain of a build up of tension by way of laboring to deliver yet another deeper truth, which hath been banging against my wall of denial in hopes of freeing me from carrying a growing sense of repressed pain throughout this last stage of my life (hello, my friend migraine-strength headache) then, during each next deeply painful, relentless attempt to regain my conscious awareness concerning lifelong need for yet another attitudinal change for the better, we watch my emotionally matured readiness stop clamoring to catch onto whatever deeper truth has been laboring to make itself known by rerouting its exit course away from banging angrily and thus ever more painfully around the womb of subconscious storage toward tunneling calmly and thus painstakingly through the narrowly focused darkened birth canal, which leads my processor toward engaging with intuitive thought ever more calmly, expansively and thus productively once my ever heightening enlightened sense of self awareness spotlights clarity awaiting the emergence of each next classic string of insights, which has historically been known to slide yet another missing 'peace' of my life’s puzzle into every open minded nook and cranny of my heart, thus freeing love to inspire my conscious mind with sound reason to recreate reality’s bigger pictures before my wearied mind seeks asylum within a nest built to rest until ‘something’ stimulates my sense of intuitive intrigue to feel compelled to dive down from my present perch of conscious awareness in hopes of surfacing from my thought processor’s subterranean wellmof knowkedge with a scholar’s increased capacity to continue to reassemble emotionally rebalanced bigger pictures as I age rather than watching my persona’s false self image falling to pieces right before my own eyes, thus causing me to feel ever more abandoned by those who love me as deeply, today, as those who had continued to love me when tragedy descended upon our home, frightening a small child into feeling as if her emotional needs had been dismissed forever at a time when the intelligence of every adult who'd comprised my extended family had been engaged in surviving their own wrestling matches, pitting their heart-wrenched intelligence against combatting overwhelmingly painful odds of their own. And if at that early stage in my life my intuitive intelligence holding hands with my defense system had conjoined to conjure up a subconscious plan in which the sincerity of my smile had been guided to revive and thrive rather than barely survive after three year old me had wandered through that dark and lonely emotional wasteland of personal crises on my own is not enough reason to write conscientiously, day after day, in hopes of disseminating information concerning the human brain's capacity to heal itself of overwhelming pain by way of calling forth that same tag team of intuitive intelligence matched with a positively focused sense of defensive denial, which, working together, guides my conscious mind to freely impart insight-laden trains of thoughts concerning personal experiences throughout the world by way of cyberspace, then how else can the teacher in me illustrate how often, throughout the ages, subconscious attitudes that formulate the words, actions and decisions on the part of our leaders (including parents whose attitudes are unconsciously adopted by this child or that child) prove to be based in negatively focused fears, which, having remained repressed, go unidentified and thus, unresolved, so as to influence your decisions and mine, to this very day.
Why is today’s run-on thought (which is wearying my sense of clarity) true? Because in the absence of insight, self defeating attitudes (based in a primary unidentified unresolved inner conflict, buried alive subconsciously beginning in childhood) continue to serve as invisible stumbling blocks over which many decisions on the part of leadership tumble, repeatedly, during every stage of our lives as long as repressed patterns of thought offer us no conscious clue as to when classic spikes of angst, based in yesteryear's fear of failure or fear of emotional abandonment, dictate our present fate to be smacked upside the head with a latent strike of anxiety, which, acting like an invisible hurtle, has, once again, laced fogginess (unknowingly) within the logically clear-minded vision of our paths, based in 'something' stimulating yesteryear’s primary unresolved inner conflict to snap into and out of our minds so quickly as to leach today’s connection to clarity, leaving us with no conscious clue as to how often (and thus classically) everyone’s brain repeatedly stumbles unconsciously into a foggily repressed, primary fear, now and again, and thus is it my choice, as a certified instructor of clarified communications to identify, acknowledge, publish and muster the courage necessary to leap over my greatest fears so as to exemplify a person who has conscientiously and determinedly decided not to allow foggy fears to delay my step-by-step advancement toward achieving heartfelt long range goals, which prove unrealized, based in the fact that earlier in my life when I'd devoted the bulk of my time to ministering to the needs of others, very little free time was mine to dive, introspectively within the depths of my past in hopes of gaining one clue after another, all of which band together as insights, which spotlight answers to questions concerning why the pinnacle of personal or professional success (or both) remains just beyond the grasp of most of us no matter how intelligent, well educated or naturally talented we prove to be, and as that reality continues to prove classic throughout the world, from one generation to the next, here’s my plan to counteract the self defeatist track, which causes the majority of adults, who huddle, blindly, so close together, within the rising center of the bell shaped curve on the timeline, as to miss one opportunity after another to see their way clear toward mustering the humility, patience, courage and self confident determination, all of which prove necessary if an individual (of any age) is ultimately to break away from the cycle of classic mediocrity so as to greet the future, which lies immediately ahead of us all with attitudinal changes for the better filling his/her head—and hopefully, while my friends around the world are consciously concentrating their mental focus upon my unconscious stumbles against yesteryear's unresolved fears while I quest toward freeing myself of latent spikes of inner tension, which, having layered up, has been carried forward, unnecessarily, from one stage of my life to the next, my reader's processors will remain so calm as to invite their intuitive powers to emerge, thus inspiring their thought patterns to switch tracks from absorbing my fear-based stumbles toward spotlighting repressed fears of their own.
At this, The Bard, locking eyes seriously with mine, replies:
That's a pretty manipulative plan, Annie. And a tall order—how do you plan to increase your followers by writing anonymously?
Yes, that is a tall order. Once again, thee proves justified in thy insightful perception. On the other hand, I wonder as to thy attitude. Did thou makest use of the word manipulative with a bent toward objectivity or negativity?
Good question, woman. My tone definitely offered thee 'attitude'.
Yes—thy tone alerted my basic instinct of self protective defensiveness to raise my antennae in readiness to engage your intelligence in this debate. All in all, 'manipulation' doth not portend to be a bad trait lest we be the only ones to gain from employing a bit of mind control—on the other hand—no one, pray tell, is better at mind control than thee—and as I laugh at the truth, The Bard can't help but chuckle while my train of thought chugs on—Thy dialogue-laden scripts manipulate the minds of thy audience to think more deeply and astutely upon exiting the theater than had been true before the curtain arose on act one, suggesting that mind control, directed toward cooperative positivity can be as productively constructive as is true of—placing a wee child in a playpen, knowing that a two year old sibling is afoot, and thus doth thee manipulate the wee one’s whereabouts for safekeeping, just as we place covers over electrical sockets, manipulating the environments of two year olds to keep inexperienced brains safe from feeling electrocuted by the nature of their inquisitive minds.
At this Shakespeare’s inquisitive mind seems puzzled—“What pray tell is an electric socket?
Ah—thinkist me—I’m getting way ahead of myself. This time travel thing is a bit tricky ... so, once again, the sincerity of my spirit's smile leads the way as I say: I've found that at all ages, minds are inquisitive, and since spiking anxiety electrocutes intuitive thinking skills from developing naturally, my long range goal while writing serves to offer up vital information, concerning upping our capacity to gain control over the complex functions of our own brains by way of engaging my 'listeners' minds in my saga, and if that's manipulative then who’s to say that the definition of manipulation can’t go both ways—I mean, after all is said and done, the mind, which I hope to manipulate for the better more often than any other, is my own. And hopefully, each ‘current’ change for the better, which I’ve been working to advance forward, day by day, spotlights my leaps of faith, which follow one another, showcasing my brain's natural potential to progress ever nearer to completing this circuit of healing, which, over recent weeks, has clearly been gaining ground within the reprocessed portion of the traumatized part of my brain, and as today’s awareness stimulates my self confidence to brighten another notch, I feel us drawing nearer to returning to the flash frozen couple of pre-teeners on the stage, because once these next few (pain driven) trains of thought (which still feel fuzzy) have had time to couple together with clarity intact, I’m aiming to readily free my storyteller to separate Annie from Joseph's impulsive lip-lock, knowing that both of those youngsters are going to have need of chapstick, big time ...
At this point, The Bard flies off on a tangent concerning the merits of employing a lengthy soliloquy to drive home a point, and that aspect of our conversation runs so deep that I forget to answer Shakespeare’s question concerning how best to expand the range of my followers without taxing my brain even further; good thing the astute mind of The Bard, whose soul proves as actively inquisitive as anyone's (if not more so), swoops down, yet again, to ask about that very plan, which my patient frame of mind finds simple to outline for a brain as brilliant as Bill’s—As you know, people feel need to talk about topics that hold their interest. If my insight-laden trains of thought, which prove to be highly personal yet classic in nature concerning subconscious desire to name and tame self defeating traits so as to move forward past latent angst toward attaining a greater sense of inner ‘piece’ missing since childhood then what I feel need to say proves of interest on a worldwide scope suggesting why I believe that, over time, a word-of-mouth, grassroots movement will continue to build momentum on its own.
Bill, seeming impressed upon hearing me disclose that my thoughts are being read in more than 80 nations and counting, replied—somehow momentum building on its own, over time, rings a bell, and with bells of communion ringing in both of our ears, he flew off to his unfinished business, while I, called out—oh wait—one more thing! Please tell Socrates that my quest to know myself more deeply, today, than had been possible in the absence of additional insights, yesterday, continues to bear fruit so sweet as to nourish unmet needs, all around and with that, I turned toward the next leg of my humbling path, while Bill (soaring upward, smiling down upon one of his countless disciples who had no conscious clue of choosing to challenge her intelligence to rise to the lofty level of his, one rung at a time, until just now) waved one wing in my direction as if to reply—Will do—and until we meet, again, keep up the good work, knowing that ‘the struggle’ is what inspires your spirit to strengthen, so, please, take your own sweet time as your mind-quest chugs forward, thus ensuring that you'll not miss out on barrels of fun, personal delights, and just rewards which lie directly ahead and are yours for the taking over the rest of your ride, which, take my word for it, always proves shorter than we think is true during youth ...
And at this late stage of my earthly life, I, hearing my voice agree wholeheartedly, smiled as these words floated clearly through the air—Yes indeedy, once again, you're on target—OMG!—wait a minute—I didn't explain electric sockets ...
No worries—laughedThe Bard (just before soaring above cloud 9)—we have lots left to discuss and debate as the future unfolds; as for now, tis more than enough for thee to figure out why that dreadful tension-filled migraine bangs so often, as of late, against thy wall of denial—and then, I couldn’t believe my eyes when a large earned, small green head poked its way through Cloud Nine with need to say— Until peace be within thee, may The Force of insight continue to guide thy way ...
Wow! I thought—I feel truly blessed with Socrates, The Bard and now, Yoda watching over me from on high—not a bad supporting cast to offer me spiritual guidance during good times when my path feels clear and smooth as well as when my path feels as spooky and smoky as if hot rocks of latent lava are, once again, pouring forth from a molten place at my core, banging away at my wall of denial, trying like all get out to filter a deeper truth through the subconscious portion of my processor ... Ouch! OMG! Not again! Hey, Shakespeare, what happened to my over active brain’s rest period?
And if clearing my brain of a build up of tension by way of laboring to deliver yet another deeper truth, which hath been banging against my wall of denial in hopes of freeing me from carrying a growing sense of repressed pain throughout this last stage of my life (hello, my friend migraine-strength headache) then, during each next deeply painful, relentless attempt to regain my conscious awareness concerning lifelong need for yet another attitudinal change for the better, we watch my emotionally matured readiness stop clamoring to catch onto whatever deeper truth has been laboring to make itself known by rerouting its exit course away from banging angrily and thus ever more painfully around the womb of subconscious storage toward tunneling calmly and thus painstakingly through the narrowly focused darkened birth canal, which leads my processor toward engaging with intuitive thought ever more calmly, expansively and thus productively once my ever heightening enlightened sense of self awareness spotlights clarity awaiting the emergence of each next classic string of insights, which has historically been known to slide yet another missing 'peace' of my life’s puzzle into every open minded nook and cranny of my heart, thus freeing love to inspire my conscious mind with sound reason to recreate reality’s bigger pictures before my wearied mind seeks asylum within a nest built to rest until ‘something’ stimulates my sense of intuitive intrigue to feel compelled to dive down from my present perch of conscious awareness in hopes of surfacing from my thought processor’s subterranean wellmof knowkedge with a scholar’s increased capacity to continue to reassemble emotionally rebalanced bigger pictures as I age rather than watching my persona’s false self image falling to pieces right before my own eyes, thus causing me to feel ever more abandoned by those who love me as deeply, today, as those who had continued to love me when tragedy descended upon our home, frightening a small child into feeling as if her emotional needs had been dismissed forever at a time when the intelligence of every adult who'd comprised my extended family had been engaged in surviving their own wrestling matches, pitting their heart-wrenched intelligence against combatting overwhelmingly painful odds of their own. And if at that early stage in my life my intuitive intelligence holding hands with my defense system had conjoined to conjure up a subconscious plan in which the sincerity of my smile had been guided to revive and thrive rather than barely survive after three year old me had wandered through that dark and lonely emotional wasteland of personal crises on my own is not enough reason to write conscientiously, day after day, in hopes of disseminating information concerning the human brain's capacity to heal itself of overwhelming pain by way of calling forth that same tag team of intuitive intelligence matched with a positively focused sense of defensive denial, which, working together, guides my conscious mind to freely impart insight-laden trains of thoughts concerning personal experiences throughout the world by way of cyberspace, then how else can the teacher in me illustrate how often, throughout the ages, subconscious attitudes that formulate the words, actions and decisions on the part of our leaders (including parents whose attitudes are unconsciously adopted by this child or that child) prove to be based in negatively focused fears, which, having remained repressed, go unidentified and thus, unresolved, so as to influence your decisions and mine, to this very day.
Why is today’s run-on thought (which is wearying my sense of clarity) true? Because in the absence of insight, self defeating attitudes (based in a primary unidentified unresolved inner conflict, buried alive subconsciously beginning in childhood) continue to serve as invisible stumbling blocks over which many decisions on the part of leadership tumble, repeatedly, during every stage of our lives as long as repressed patterns of thought offer us no conscious clue as to when classic spikes of angst, based in yesteryear's fear of failure or fear of emotional abandonment, dictate our present fate to be smacked upside the head with a latent strike of anxiety, which, acting like an invisible hurtle, has, once again, laced fogginess (unknowingly) within the logically clear-minded vision of our paths, based in 'something' stimulating yesteryear’s primary unresolved inner conflict to snap into and out of our minds so quickly as to leach today’s connection to clarity, leaving us with no conscious clue as to how often (and thus classically) everyone’s brain repeatedly stumbles unconsciously into a foggily repressed, primary fear, now and again, and thus is it my choice, as a certified instructor of clarified communications to identify, acknowledge, publish and muster the courage necessary to leap over my greatest fears so as to exemplify a person who has conscientiously and determinedly decided not to allow foggy fears to delay my step-by-step advancement toward achieving heartfelt long range goals, which prove unrealized, based in the fact that earlier in my life when I'd devoted the bulk of my time to ministering to the needs of others, very little free time was mine to dive, introspectively within the depths of my past in hopes of gaining one clue after another, all of which band together as insights, which spotlight answers to questions concerning why the pinnacle of personal or professional success (or both) remains just beyond the grasp of most of us no matter how intelligent, well educated or naturally talented we prove to be, and as that reality continues to prove classic throughout the world, from one generation to the next, here’s my plan to counteract the self defeatist track, which causes the majority of adults, who huddle, blindly, so close together, within the rising center of the bell shaped curve on the timeline, as to miss one opportunity after another to see their way clear toward mustering the humility, patience, courage and self confident determination, all of which prove necessary if an individual (of any age) is ultimately to break away from the cycle of classic mediocrity so as to greet the future, which lies immediately ahead of us all with attitudinal changes for the better filling his/her head—and hopefully, while my friends around the world are consciously concentrating their mental focus upon my unconscious stumbles against yesteryear's unresolved fears while I quest toward freeing myself of latent spikes of inner tension, which, having layered up, has been carried forward, unnecessarily, from one stage of my life to the next, my reader's processors will remain so calm as to invite their intuitive powers to emerge, thus inspiring their thought patterns to switch tracks from absorbing my fear-based stumbles toward spotlighting repressed fears of their own.
At this, The Bard, locking eyes seriously with mine, replies:
That's a pretty manipulative plan, Annie. And a tall order—how do you plan to increase your followers by writing anonymously?
Yes, that is a tall order. Once again, thee proves justified in thy insightful perception. On the other hand, I wonder as to thy attitude. Did thou makest use of the word manipulative with a bent toward objectivity or negativity?
Good question, woman. My tone definitely offered thee 'attitude'.
Yes—thy tone alerted my basic instinct of self protective defensiveness to raise my antennae in readiness to engage your intelligence in this debate. All in all, 'manipulation' doth not portend to be a bad trait lest we be the only ones to gain from employing a bit of mind control—on the other hand—no one, pray tell, is better at mind control than thee—and as I laugh at the truth, The Bard can't help but chuckle while my train of thought chugs on—Thy dialogue-laden scripts manipulate the minds of thy audience to think more deeply and astutely upon exiting the theater than had been true before the curtain arose on act one, suggesting that mind control, directed toward cooperative positivity can be as productively constructive as is true of—placing a wee child in a playpen, knowing that a two year old sibling is afoot, and thus doth thee manipulate the wee one’s whereabouts for safekeeping, just as we place covers over electrical sockets, manipulating the environments of two year olds to keep inexperienced brains safe from feeling electrocuted by the nature of their inquisitive minds.
At this Shakespeare’s inquisitive mind seems puzzled—“What pray tell is an electric socket?
Ah—thinkist me—I’m getting way ahead of myself. This time travel thing is a bit tricky ... so, once again, the sincerity of my spirit's smile leads the way as I say: I've found that at all ages, minds are inquisitive, and since spiking anxiety electrocutes intuitive thinking skills from developing naturally, my long range goal while writing serves to offer up vital information, concerning upping our capacity to gain control over the complex functions of our own brains by way of engaging my 'listeners' minds in my saga, and if that's manipulative then who’s to say that the definition of manipulation can’t go both ways—I mean, after all is said and done, the mind, which I hope to manipulate for the better more often than any other, is my own. And hopefully, each ‘current’ change for the better, which I’ve been working to advance forward, day by day, spotlights my leaps of faith, which follow one another, showcasing my brain's natural potential to progress ever nearer to completing this circuit of healing, which, over recent weeks, has clearly been gaining ground within the reprocessed portion of the traumatized part of my brain, and as today’s awareness stimulates my self confidence to brighten another notch, I feel us drawing nearer to returning to the flash frozen couple of pre-teeners on the stage, because once these next few (pain driven) trains of thought (which still feel fuzzy) have had time to couple together with clarity intact, I’m aiming to readily free my storyteller to separate Annie from Joseph's impulsive lip-lock, knowing that both of those youngsters are going to have need of chapstick, big time ...
At this point, The Bard flies off on a tangent concerning the merits of employing a lengthy soliloquy to drive home a point, and that aspect of our conversation runs so deep that I forget to answer Shakespeare’s question concerning how best to expand the range of my followers without taxing my brain even further; good thing the astute mind of The Bard, whose soul proves as actively inquisitive as anyone's (if not more so), swoops down, yet again, to ask about that very plan, which my patient frame of mind finds simple to outline for a brain as brilliant as Bill’s—As you know, people feel need to talk about topics that hold their interest. If my insight-laden trains of thought, which prove to be highly personal yet classic in nature concerning subconscious desire to name and tame self defeating traits so as to move forward past latent angst toward attaining a greater sense of inner ‘piece’ missing since childhood then what I feel need to say proves of interest on a worldwide scope suggesting why I believe that, over time, a word-of-mouth, grassroots movement will continue to build momentum on its own.
Bill, seeming impressed upon hearing me disclose that my thoughts are being read in more than 80 nations and counting, replied—somehow momentum building on its own, over time, rings a bell, and with bells of communion ringing in both of our ears, he flew off to his unfinished business, while I, called out—oh wait—one more thing! Please tell Socrates that my quest to know myself more deeply, today, than had been possible in the absence of additional insights, yesterday, continues to bear fruit so sweet as to nourish unmet needs, all around and with that, I turned toward the next leg of my humbling path, while Bill (soaring upward, smiling down upon one of his countless disciples who had no conscious clue of choosing to challenge her intelligence to rise to the lofty level of his, one rung at a time, until just now) waved one wing in my direction as if to reply—Will do—and until we meet, again, keep up the good work, knowing that ‘the struggle’ is what inspires your spirit to strengthen, so, please, take your own sweet time as your mind-quest chugs forward, thus ensuring that you'll not miss out on barrels of fun, personal delights, and just rewards which lie directly ahead and are yours for the taking over the rest of your ride, which, take my word for it, always proves shorter than we think is true during youth ...
And at this late stage of my earthly life, I, hearing my voice agree wholeheartedly, smiled as these words floated clearly through the air—Yes indeedy, once again, you're on target—OMG!—wait a minute—I didn't explain electric sockets ...
No worries—laughedThe Bard (just before soaring above cloud 9)—we have lots left to discuss and debate as the future unfolds; as for now, tis more than enough for thee to figure out why that dreadful tension-filled migraine bangs so often, as of late, against thy wall of denial—and then, I couldn’t believe my eyes when a large earned, small green head poked its way through Cloud Nine with need to say— Until peace be within thee, may The Force of insight continue to guide thy way ...
Wow! I thought—I feel truly blessed with Socrates, The Bard and now, Yoda watching over me from on high—not a bad supporting cast to offer me spiritual guidance during good times when my path feels clear and smooth as well as when my path feels as spooky and smoky as if hot rocks of latent lava are, once again, pouring forth from a molten place at my core, banging away at my wall of denial, trying like all get out to filter a deeper truth through the subconscious portion of my processor ... Ouch! OMG! Not again! Hey, Shakespeare, what happened to my over active brain’s rest period?
Saturday, May 4, 2019
LET’S IDENTIFY THE ON-GOING DEVELOPMENT OF MY BRAIN’S INTUITIVELY INSPIRED CONSCIOUS SENSE OF POSITIVELY FOCUSED MIND CONTROL
2019
Today, I awoke wondering if it’s possible for an intuitive sense of mind control to release repressed pain without re-envisioning memories that continue to ‘feel’ too horrific to consciously recall ...
That question came to me after a session of EMDR therapy, during which I’d voiced my fear of releasing repressed memories so horrid as to strike my current connection to emotionally rebalanced well being with spikes of anxiety, leading my therapist too offer me a gently reassuring smile while imparting an experiential insight, which you’ll find paraphrased right here: As you work toward heightening current levels of emotional maturity, anxiety associated with past experiences decreases proportionately, stimulating your intuitive intelligence to guide the conscious portion of your brain toward the readiness to release anesthetized memories so naturally as to coax your subconscious to expunge each next layer of deeply repressed angst.
Upon absorbing the calming nature of my therspist’s insight, my smile, responding naturally to hers, saw me driving home, reflecting over the soothing ways that an astute therapist’s positively focused experiential wisdom continues to offer my defense system sound reason to relieve my body of inner tension and relax until each next train of intuitive thought, serving to alert the conscious portion of my mind of readiness to permit my processor to switch tracks from defensively fearing subconscious anxiety spiking throughout my think tank (compelling me to fight, flee or freeze) toward courageously strengthening my spirit to embrace a self soothing attitudinal change for the better, thus encouraging the insightful portion of my think tank to spotlight internal steps of emotional healing advancing forward, each of which inspires self confident trains of thought to take courageous leaps of faith toward filtering self disparaging attitudes ever more clearly through my wall of denial so as to be consciously identified, as has most especially proved true, over these last several weeks ... Whew!
Hmmm—perhaps today’s train of thought has served to stimulate your sense of intuitive intrigue to wonder over the series of events that took place in April when our immediate family, minus one, chose to enjoy each other’s company during my grandchildren’s spring break on the coast at which time a serious health issue arose ...
Today, I awoke wondering if it’s possible for an intuitive sense of mind control to release repressed pain without re-envisioning memories that continue to ‘feel’ too horrific to consciously recall ...
That question came to me after a session of EMDR therapy, during which I’d voiced my fear of releasing repressed memories so horrid as to strike my current connection to emotionally rebalanced well being with spikes of anxiety, leading my therapist too offer me a gently reassuring smile while imparting an experiential insight, which you’ll find paraphrased right here: As you work toward heightening current levels of emotional maturity, anxiety associated with past experiences decreases proportionately, stimulating your intuitive intelligence to guide the conscious portion of your brain toward the readiness to release anesthetized memories so naturally as to coax your subconscious to expunge each next layer of deeply repressed angst.
Upon absorbing the calming nature of my therspist’s insight, my smile, responding naturally to hers, saw me driving home, reflecting over the soothing ways that an astute therapist’s positively focused experiential wisdom continues to offer my defense system sound reason to relieve my body of inner tension and relax until each next train of intuitive thought, serving to alert the conscious portion of my mind of readiness to permit my processor to switch tracks from defensively fearing subconscious anxiety spiking throughout my think tank (compelling me to fight, flee or freeze) toward courageously strengthening my spirit to embrace a self soothing attitudinal change for the better, thus encouraging the insightful portion of my think tank to spotlight internal steps of emotional healing advancing forward, each of which inspires self confident trains of thought to take courageous leaps of faith toward filtering self disparaging attitudes ever more clearly through my wall of denial so as to be consciously identified, as has most especially proved true, over these last several weeks ... Whew!
Hmmm—perhaps today’s train of thought has served to stimulate your sense of intuitive intrigue to wonder over the series of events that took place in April when our immediate family, minus one, chose to enjoy each other’s company during my grandchildren’s spring break on the coast at which time a serious health issue arose ...
Thursday, May 2, 2019
1 HOORAY! AN INTUITIVE INSIGHT CONCERNING DELAY SPEAKS CLEARLY TO ME, TODAY!
2019
Why did I suggest that you might do well to cruise through SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE one more time? Because—
Why did I suggest that you might do well to cruise through SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE one more time? Because—
Rather than pressing that wrinkle in time against my wall of denial before readiness is mine, I’d like to offer you insight gained today as to why my processor has been swinging, back and forth, between going forward and staying put a bit longer. Here’s what just dawned on me—I’ve been repressing an unidentified fear behind the mask of my persona’s false front (until just now when I gained the insight necessary to take a leap of faith beyond another hurtle of latent anxiety concerning my exposure of deeply piercing heartfelt pain, which had been flash frozen and has remained buried alive ever since the age of twelve when emotional complexity, feeling all a jumble inside my brain, saw me as the only injured party in the alley when I’d also subconsciously believed myself unworthy of Joseph’s love, suggesting that, presently, the subconscious portion of my processor has been working to identify and reprocess my repressed fear (of reliving yesteryear’s emotional meltdown, based in pain-ridden rejection) before I move this story forward, because now that I've become aware of my fear of reliving yesteryears's flash frozen pain, my spirit has need to muster a sufficiency of courage before readiness to release my storyteller feels natural, suggesting that today’s intuitive insight into deeper truth is guiding my conscious mind to take my time while assuring my inner self of today’s self confident worthiness to have been as loved by Joseph as I’d secretly loved him, and once today’s self respectful stance feels wholly restored, intuitive readiness to move our story ahead will wholly be mine, and now that you and I are both aware of my having harbored a repressed fear of hurting myself, today, as deeply as had been true back then, we can see how subconscious fear, once accurately identified, no longer serves as a stumbling block, which my processor had need to hurt-le before permitting my story teller’s voice to speak freely with clarity intact.
Over these past several days, my repressed fear of re-experiencing self disparaging pain has been working in tandem with intuitive trains of thought toward freeing itself to tunnel its way out of emotional repression, thus exposing this current layer of my defense system’s wall of denial to you and to me, so though I want to reveal the flood of negatively charged emotion that’s suddenly resurgent throughout my body (based in heart wrenching memories of what is about to devastate a boy and a girl in the alley behind my childhood home), today's intuitive insight concerning this newly unrepressed fear offers us both sound reason as to why my recent trains of thought continued to switch tracks, back and forth, from forcing my engine to chug blindly forward as though thrusting my masked fear into an emotional sink hole of mega proportions toward resiliently honoring my brain’s inner need to stop wrestling with inner conflict so as to linger within today’s current rest station until a fully relaxed intuitive surge of positively focused energy feels stoked to secure the high level of self confidence necessary to release my heartfelt connection to readiness, which must be mine before the story teller's clarity is once again released. As to how long that will take? Your guess is as good as mine. Bottom line, I have no clue, as to yet, which spirit-strengthening insights lie directly ahead.
Whew! I sure do feel more relaxed, right now, than had been true, over recent weeks, when unidentified inner tension (blindfolding my conscious awareness from gaining intuitive insight into painfully repressed angst) held my processor hostage, yet again, until, just now, when the door in my wall of denial, opening so naturally as to release my recently unrepressed fear, offered my restless mind the clarity to comprehend my mental need to coast until I feel wholly relaxed, because I’ve just come to see that relating my tussle with Joseph stimulates my processor to ‘remember’ wrestling with the predatory nature of the pedophile. OMG! See how two unrelated situations, which prove to be opposite, can FEEL the same when wires, filled with fear, get crossed inside our brains? My current connection to courage is so NOT ready to relive those horrific memories, which proved so pain-wracked as to have alerted my defense system to repress every one of those red hot moments of terror into the secreted recesses of my subconscious until additional steps toward emotional maturity feel closer to achieving the heights of Wonder Woman status ...
WHEW!
Why WHEW!? I feel as though today’s insight driven intuitive train of thought has cleared a darkly clouded portion of my mind from dodging a bullet filled with buckshot that would have left today’s self confident stance with so many holes as to have knocked out my intelligence, freeing subconscious fear to drag my unconscious processor back into Alice’s deep dark tunnel of repressed despair ... and having consciously grown aware of the fact that the astute nature of today’s train of thought is responsible for saving my mind from being sucked back into yesteryear’s time tunnel where my spirit would have re-experienced yet another bout of full blown PTSD, leaving my conscious mind feeling smothered within yet another haunting near death experience like the real one that had forced me to scratch my skin raw, night after night, as though desperately attempting to expose the depths of my young body’s nubile plight, suffered at the calloused hands of a pedophile’s cold hearted stalking attacks upon my person, repeatedly—and with today’s string of intuitive insights in clear sight, I find my processor in need of immersing itself into the reality of that fear based stage of my life, which just surfaced, until my rising level of self confident contemplation of deeper truth concerning how many decades ago those experiences proved to be calms my brain so as to invite my processor’s power of intuitive thought to heal myself of subconscious memories of self disparagement by way of heightening self awareness to feel ever more deeply readied to stoke my current level of emotional maturity with the patient sense of courage that proves necessary to move this pair of disgruntled pre teens forward on the chessboard of life without injecting the poisonous, ghostlike presence of the pedophile into my present state of mind ... TRIPLE WHEW! See what I mean about having dodged a bullet? That wouldn't have been possible had I not mustered the courage necessary to wholly participate in past sessions of EMDR in hopes of stepping every closer to healing the traumatized portion of my brain from PTSD ...
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
OUR BRAINS SWING BACK BEFORE GOING FORTH FOR SOUND REASON
You might do well to cruise through SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE one more time?
Just saying—
Just saying—
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