A1373 28H's SO JUST HOW IMPERFECT DID I FEEL?

In the aftermath of my grandpa's and baby sister's death
Grief ran so deep throughout my extended family that I, being as egocentric as
Proves true of most three year olds, misperceived my imperfections as
Being responsible for everyone's long-lasting frowns to the point that if
A frown so much as caught my eye, I got to feeling so guilty of
Who-knows-what as to have condemned myself worthless each time I couldn't
Coax a sunny smile from anyone I loved as had been my M.O. before

The shocking 'disappearances' of two loved ones scared everyone in
My extended family, including me, half out of our wits, and as
I'd trashed myself for failing to live up to my own unrealistic expectations of

Being empowered to transform storm clouds, hanging over our heads, into

Sunny smiles that would have shone beams of warmth in

My direction as had been true before our little corner of the world

Had grown dauntingly dark, over night, I'd unconsciously devalue myself in increasing
Increments, day after day, week after week, month after month, alerting
My defense system to call upon denial to save the traumatized portion of

My think tank from digging itself into a black hole so deep as to never be able

To hear intuition whispering of my need to grow aware of the fact that, with

The passage of years, I'd gained the mental strengths necessary to heal the wounds of

My self image by consciously choosing the road less taken, where, rather than feeling

Safe by blending in, I'd begin to shock everyone who'd thought to know me

Well by making waves and standing up to assert myself no matter how many

Raised eyebrows, cast in my direction, signaled my anxiety to spike, suggesting

That, over my entire life, deeper truth had been trying to tell me that nothing was

As dangerous as the fact that I'd spent so many years blind to this darkly colored

Behavioral pattern, imprinted into the wounded portion of my think tank:

Smile by day, scratch and cry, silently, by night, thinking to know what's wrong while
Deeper truth suggests that I'd had no clue, what-so-ever, of having harbored a host of

Inter-related issues, associated with 'fear of failing to please', which intensified as

Each stage of life led into the next, reinforcing my primary fear of 
Feeling emotionally abandoned by loved ones unless I acted as if
Their every wish was my pleasure to fulfill, and since I'd unknowingly
Developed a persona that had consistently responded in an agreeable manner so as
To fend off the subconscious threat of abandonment from coming true, my self-

Fulfilling prophecy did come true for this reason:  Loved ones came to expect
That their needs would be met with consistency, because my attitude of
Genial servitude proved so convincing to one and all, inclusive of
The conscious portion of my mind that there was no reason for anyone to
Question whether my personal needs had gone unmet, and since none of us
Was aware of participating in this unbalanced pattern, we all remained blind to

This change-not-for-the-better that was born when Janet died ... And as
Experience suggests that each string of insights leads to the next, you'd be
Right to assume that today's intuitive train of thought is about to clarify
The reason why my defense system decided to stuff my unmet needs behind
Denial's eager-to-please smile, thus secreting my lifelong fear of

Emotional rejection within an attitude of subservient complacency that
Offered me a false sense of personal safety, which conflicted with
My spunky spirit's natural bent toward self assertive leadership, and
Thus did a power struggle between self motivated leadership and
Congenial subservience create a great devide within my mind for
The greater part of my life ... for example ...
Let's say that during my teen years, I'd spy a guy to whom I'd felt

Magnetically attracted, giving me the eye, which, while exciting
My budding libido, startled my negatively focused self assessment into
Triggering fear of rejection to flare, transforming excitement into
Spiking anxiety, as if a near and present danger was closing in, suggestive
Of this fact:  Not until I came to understand the highly complex
Interactive functions of the human brain would I realize the importance of
Growing ever more attentive to those times when intuitive thought is
Working overtime to awaken my conscious awareness of need to
Identify emotional combustion as my brain's way of signaling my
Intelligence to set out on a quest for self discovery, at which time
I began to collect clues, concerning unidentified fears, and as, eventually 
Those clues offered my conscious mind insights that spotlighted
Bigger pictures, I found myself empowered to single out
The early childhood experience that had swept my self image so far
From center as to have swirled my sense of clarity away from
Early childhood's positively focused path so suddenly as to have
Dizzied my undeveloped sense of self to grab onto a negatively focused
Path where a lifetime of unconscious confusion, based in inner conflict
Had repeatedly alerted my defensive shield to arise and manifest as
Physical tension so quickly as to feel need to lower my lashes and
Cover my eyes, as though spiking anxiety had served as my
Comfort zone's warning signal to slam on the brakes so as to stop
My libido's desire from over heating before I'd run a red light and
Crash straight through the safe haven that platonic friendship provided
Suggesting why I'd felt free to enjoy time spent with guys as

Long as they did not make moves on me; otherwise, whatever natural flame
I may have nurtured, secretly, would flash freeze into an icicle so pointed and
Chilly as to have pricked the hopes of any guy who'd thought to pull
My body against his own other than to dance in time with the music, playing
In A low lighted room where so many couples were seen swaying hip to hip as to

Ease the fragile state of my emotional safety ... In fact, each time a guy
So much as sauntered across a crowded room, eyes locking into mine
My veil of invisibility dropped so suddenly as to set my heart aflutter at
Having been singled out, suggesting that rather than feeling flattered
Confusion recreated a sense of inner conflict that tapped into
My negatively focused self image, which had historically hijacked
My sense of clarity, leaving me feeling as dizzily flustered as had been
True when I was repeatedly terrified by a bus load of bullies, so that
Receiving so much as a hint of a compliment flustered my mind For
This reason:  My agility to absorb positive comments, gracefully, had remained

Non-existent ever since I was twelve, and from that time to right now
My brain has continued to simulate a trampoline, ejecting any statement
That does not match my deeply imprinted, negatively focused

Self assessment, so that, time and again, I have need to muster up a whale of

Self control to quell anxiety from spiking too high by consciously reminding my

Flabbergasted reaction to relax at least enough so as to offer a guy
A smile while responding thank you, politely ... and please make no mistake ...
It's not as if I don't enjoy receiving compliments, because I do ... It's just that
Compliments continue to feel so surprising that the narrowness of
My thought pattern's comfort zone still has no clue where to
Store them inside me, suggestive of yet another insight into deeper truth:

My life-long, mental pattern of viewing a portion of my self assessment
Through the dark side of negativity is still in need of rewiring ...

A 1373 27H's MAKING SENSE, AT LAST, OF THAT WHICH HAD ACTUALLY NEVER BEEN NONSENSE

Before reading today's post, I urge (rather than coaxing) you to review yesterday's post for this reason:  Strings of insight added, this morning, may signal your intuitive powers to speak to your conscious awareness more readily, concerning how best to wiggle deeper truth free from subconscious storage, thus strengthening your innate potential to clarify the complex nature of mental confusion more quickly than had ever felt possible, before.  And please keep in mind that weeks of mental wrestling with subconscious memory may not be your fate unless your first stage of early childhood development was sadly interrupted deaths, twice in a matter of weeks, as had been true of mine.  In addition to that traumatizing fact, weeks of exhaustion (at my advanced age) seems a better choice than my visit, last summer, to the ER when my heart malfunctioned due to a heightened degree of repressed stress, and with those insights, concerning progressing toward change for the better, in mind, let's see which string of insights pops out as today's post ventures more deeply into the great unknown  ...

The fact that I was haunted by feeling so imperfect about 'this or that' as to have perceived myself as 'deserving' to be ignored, left me feeling just as invisible as had felt true when I misread my family's emotional devastation as condemning me to feel so worthless as to resurrect that same devastating reaction of feeling worthless at some point during every next stage of life as I'd felt when Janet died.  And just as I grew up clueless of having been haunted by this daunting, unidentified fear of feeling so insignificant as to feel invisible, I was also cluelessly about feeling haunted by this fear as well:  Deep down inside the black hole of my mind, I feared dying while asleep just as had been true of Janet, and not until my well-practiced, personal strength of intuitive tunneling had worked its magic (as though all on its own) did my conscious awareness heighten to the point of raising both of those deeply buried, unidentified fears to the surface of my mind, suggestive of this fact:  Not until this week did I gain the clarity to understand that my lengthy bout with exhaustion was due to my energy source's strategic determination to direct itself wholly upon excavating two subconscious terrors, which had haunted my adult peace of mind ever since a strong spirited, quick witted, good, little girl, who had misperceived of herself as being so imperfect as to have devastated her entire family, had devalued her self worth inways that no one who loved her could have ever imagined, and with today's sense of clarity uppermost in my mind, the lengthy nature of my bout with mental exhaustion in the aftermath of our Passover celebration makes sense to the intuitive, intelligent, deeply sleuthing, insight-seeking, problem-solving, plan-making adult, whom I'd had need to grow up to be in order to direct my smarts toward reprocessing a lifetime of mental confusion, which had addled my brain when I was three, so that clarity, concerning the natural bent toward goodness that fuels my spirit, mind and heart with positively focused energy matches deeper truth, which my soul has always known to be true of my character...

And since it has become clear that my conscious mind has gained the wisdom to offer my well-practiced sense of intuition carte blanche, concerning how ever much time is needed to tunnel subconsciously as the traumatized portion of my think tank heals from PTSD, I can see how the sum of my smarts made sound use of my brain's interactive parts, functioning as a well balanced whole, in order to make sense of that which had, for weeks, seemed To be little more than a long lasting, repetitive, mentally daunting, anxiety-producing, emotional roller coaster of gibberish, until, retrospectively, reflection suggests that my power of intuition was working behind the scenes, 24/7, resurrecting strings of insight, repeatedly, until intuitive trains of thought had tunneled so deeply into subconscious memory as to emerge with two unprocessed details, the first of which inspired me to stop leaning (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) upon Will in favor of placing my faith in my brain's hard won ability to stand straight up on the sum of my personal strengths before conscious clarity was mine.  And just as I've come to place my faith in intuitive thought leading my conscious mind to venture into the great unknown, where fear-based, undeserved subconscious guilt had previously forbidden as off limits, I found myself standing straight and tall before Will, listening to myself make sound use of my self assertive voice, which declared, right out loud:  No one's darkly colored, defensive misperceptions of my best character traits are ever going to bury my reprocessed self assessment under the wrath of trash talk without receiving a portion of my clearly intelligent mind in response!

Finally, wIth clarity in plain sight, I have reason to make sound use of my voice instead of thrashing and howling at unnamed adversaries in the dark of night or mentally trashing myself, during the day, for failing to swim to shore whenever an undertow of PTSD sucks my conscious mind into a swirling whirlpool of yesteryear's emotional reactiveness, over long, where my awareness of 'here and now' feels suddenly submerged in past moments of trauma so as to believe myself as invisible and unworthy of love as to kthe good life that inexplicably disappeared in a terrifying whirlpool, leaving a severely wounded portion of my think tank drowning in combustible confusion, each time my daddy left for work, leaving me with  Grandma and Mommy, who had power struggled with conflicting emotions so overwhelming as to electrify the air we three inhaled until Daddy's key opened the door to my sense of emotional safety, each evening, at which time, my child's mind dived into a peaceful sense of denial until my own personal super hero left for work at the crack of each next dawn, when the air in our apartment began to crackle anew with the emotional tension of confounded anxiety that intensifies, over time, when the complex source of an on-going power struggle fails to emerge and resolve ...

1373 26H's TWO ADDITIONAL SUBCONSCIOUS FEARS EMERGE

Though I was not surprised when exhaustion hit
The day after our Passover Seder, I was shocked when
Several days later, the unrelentless nature of that exhaustion
Spurred anxiety to strike, which mystified my sense of
Clarity for weeks until intuitive trains of thought, tunneling
Ever more deeply into subconscious memory, offered
My conscious awareness a growing sense of relief from
Anxiety as, day after day, intuition compelled me to
Pen the same string of insights, repeatedly, until, recently
When, finally, this fact popped into my conscious mind, as
Though the power of intuition was a well practiced
Magician, who rather than pulling rabbits out of hats
Grows well practiced at coaxing strings of insight out of
Subconscious memory, thus inviting conscious awareness to
Tap into deeper truth until emotional baggage, weighing heavy
On our conscious minds and spirits, turn us into
Control freaks until ... fate offers us reason to peel away at
Defensiveness as our personal quests toward self discovery
Get underway, and at this point of my personal quest, I've
Learned to listen up when intuitive thought offers up
Insight that transforms surface confusion into
Depths of clarity that, with patience intact, eventually
Rings right out loud, clear as a bell, as was true when
My well practiced power of listening for intuitive thought
Tapped into the subconscious reason why my recent
Lengthy bout of exhaustion made sense, and once
Working through depths of mental complexity, which is
Exhausting, clarifies, successfully, for me, my
Brain signals need to rest by alerting intuitive
Thought to pen posts, stating clearly that I don't feel
Like writing, and once each rest period feels complete
Intuitive trains of thought, feeling fully
Stoked and re-energized, whisper of time to simplify
Complex trains of thought for you, and having
Clearly expressed my process, here are
Two subconscious fears, which had stimulated my defense system
(Which can't differentiate between yesteryear's haunting threat
Emerging from the daunting depths of subconscious memory and
That which proves to be a near and present danger) to hijack
My cognitive intelligence, in the aftermath of our
Joyous Passover holiday, causing my personal sense of
Safety to collapse, leaving me feeling as though every iota of
My mental energy had been sucked into that black hole where
I could not shake feeling utterly confounded, emotionally spent, and
Anxious for weeks, because my think tank, which was
Out to lunch) had offered me no conscious clue of this deeper truth:
During those weeks when total exhaustion seemed to linger
Inexplicably, on and on, I had no idea that my self-motivated spirit
Was directing my well practiced power of intuition to coax
The entirety of my brain's energy source toward remaining
Fully engaged, 24/7, diving  ever more deeply into
Subconscious territory until, one by one, two terrible fears, which
Had been repressed in an unprocessed state within
The traumatized portion of a three year year old child's brain, emerged
And once conscious awareness identified both of those unnamed fears
The intelligent adult, whom I've grown up to be, became
Aware of my life-long need to process (identify) those fears with
The mature sense of cognitive clarity that had not yet developed when
My grandpa's and sister's sudden deaths, several weeks apart, had
Struck the minds and hearts of every adult (upon whom my sense of safety
Depended) to reel with shock, guilt and grief for so long a time as to have
Traumatized a good little girl's sense of self into misperceiving of herself
As being utterly insignificant unless she toed the mark while
Figuring out how to transform every frown that she encountered into
A smile, and as long as that misperception remained
Buried within layers of defensive denial, fear, concerning
Her negatively focused sself assessment fueled
Her subconscious need to feel utterly indispensable and thus
Irreplaceable, so that she'd never have to face feeling so
Completely alone, invisible and miserable, ever again ...

And in addition to fearing the misery that accompanied
My subconscious misperceptive belief of invisibility
I wonder if you can guess at the second unprocessed fear, which
Exhaustion had tapped into during those weeks, following Passover, until
I came to comprehend that intuitive trains of thought were leading
My conscious mind to minimize the repetitive nature of spikes of anxiety in
Favor of acknowledging the well practiced nature of
My power of intuition, which working as though all on its own
Had been spotlighting strings of insight for so many years ad
To inspire my conscious awareness to remember to minimize
Anxious reactions that arose each time a bout of PTSD 'hinted' at
My need to unidentify a subconscious fear, which
Has haunted my peace of mind, beginning with Janet's death when
My undeveloped think tank had not yet celebrated
The third birthday of a good, little, who was destined to
Grow up to become a solution-seeking, super sleuth, whose
Enthusiastic approach to positive disciple has related
A wide variety of success stories, each of which has
Focused on inspiring countless parents and teachers to
Choose to motivate children to choose to comprehend
Differentiate between and cooperate with family rules and
House rules, leading toward the betterment of every
Individual as well as the family unit, functioning as a whole ...

1373 25H's HOORAY FOR FIREWORKS IN THE SKY INSTEAD OF INSIDE OUR MINDS

With today being the 4th of July
I can't think of a more fitting time
To liberate your conscious mind from feeling
Haunted by your misperceived self assessment, which
(Having been repressed from conscious awareness during childhood)
Emerges from within your subconscious as
Onslaughts of yesteryear's undeserved guilt, which
Manifest as spikes of anxiety that pierce peace of mind so
Deeply as to hijack your Neo cortex before your think tank can
Reflect over the valuable, self respecting, lovable adult, whom
Deeper truth suggests that you've certainly grown up to be ...
And as it's time to decorate Tony's and Ray's bikes for
Their neighborhood's 4th of July parade
I'll sign off for today, with a resounding ...
Hip hip hooray for the myriad of liberties that
We enjoy across the wide expanse of the USA!

1373 25H's. HOW LONG HAS YOUR CONSCIOUS AWARENESS BEEN BLIND TO A SUBCONSCIOUS CONUNDRUM THAT INVADES PEACE OF MIND?

If you're thinking that spikes of anxiety dogged me quite
Frequently until recently, that was actually not true for this reason:
Early on, I grew so accustomed to blindly complying
Cheerfully with everything others came to
Expect of me that my presence drew smiles wherever I'd go, suggesting
Why eruptions of anxiety (based in my unidentified fear of frowns)
Proved a rarity, and if a problem did arise, my conscious awareness
Dived so quickly behind my shield of denial as to subconsciously repress
Anxious reactiveness until deeper truth, tapping into unidentified fear
Seeped through my defensive wall in the dark of night, causing me to
Awaken, itching like crazy to get out of my skin ... But as long as
No one, including me, caught wind of so much as even
One conscious clue of the fact that pockets of personal anguish, secreted
Behind the surface of my smile, had darkened a sweet natured, little girl's
Self perception so much as to 'see' herself as having been
So unworthy of love as to feel compelled to scratch
Through the surface layers of her skin so as to expose
The rawness of pain, festering behind her many-layered
Wall of denial, which persisted until the existence of
An unprocessed (unexamined) conundrum, which, having been
Subconsciously submerged, bamboozled everyone in
Her extended family who believed that
All was well with Annie, suggestive of this fact:
Just as we don't know what goes on behind closed doors
Deeper truth suggests that conscious awareness has no clue as to
What goes on behind the wall of denial that divides
Your brain and mine into two separate parts
(One part proving itself to be as bright, courageous and strong
As the other side proves every bit as darkly fearful and vulnerable to
'Attack' as had been true during childhood, when over-reactive giants
Ruled your little corner of the world and mine) and thus do
The conscious portions of our brains remain blind to
Childhood's subconsciously buried fears, which undermine
Adult peace of mind until a matured sense of readiness spurs
Intuitive trains of thought to embark upon an insight-driven quest to
Deepen self awareness by inspiring the conscious portion of our minds to
Tunnel toward 'forgotten' memories, secreted subconsciously, which
Upon resurfacing, shine surprising spotlights on insights that
Empower your think tank with knowledge, concerning
Unidentified fears in need of addressing so that
Your self assessment begins to rebalance until such time as
Your spirit feels wholly revitalized in ways that not
Been possible after over-reactive parenting had caused
A good child to feel so bad as to have charged oneself as feeling
Too guilt-ridden to feel worthy of love, suggesting why each time
Personal unmet needs raised their disregarded little heads, your
Conscious awareness remained blind to differentiating between
Guilt due to wrong doing, right now, vs the haunting, daunting
Natural re-emergence of guilt, left unprocessed, repressed, unresolved
And thus festering every bit as rawly as to recreate anxiety, today, as
Had been true during childhood, when a good, little girl
Had been made to feel like a criminal convicted
By loved ones to serve a life sentences of guilt to pay penitence for
Having been so unacceptably imperfect as to have been caught
Red handed, at wrong doing that, upon reflection, proves as benign
As sneaking a piece of candy after having been told not to taste it under
Penalty of feeling love (and thus, emotional safety) withdrawn
Suggesting that harsh measures need not rise to tragic proportions before
A child's subconscious misperception of parental angst casts such a
Darkly distressed shadow of doom, looming directly over head as to
Make a frightened child tOe the mark, unknowingly, throughout
Every stage of life ... Unless some star-studded, mesmerizing experience
Serves to ignite an insight-driven, intuitive quest that, step by step, liberates
A person's conscious awareness from remaining blind to
Subconscious guilt, so that, over time, a place of deeper truth, which
Penetrates straight down into the center of the soul is ultimately revealed ...

1373 23H's EACH TIME OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS, HOLDING FORTH AN OFFER OF JOY, I OPEN MY MIND AS WELL AS MY HEART

Just took Tony and Ray to see FINDING DORI
The importance of the 3R's is injected throughout
The storyline of this film ... Not reading, writing and arithmetic
But rather ... Rescue, Rehabilitation and Release in that
With the help of her friends ...
Dori RESCUES herself from feeling lost and alone by ...
REHABILITATING her loss of memory, and
As years pass in which Dori never gives up working to achieve
Her heartfelt goal, we have sound reason to cheer when
She RELEASES her fear of never embracing
Her loved ones, again, suggesting why
A sweet, little blue fish, named Dori
Had lots in common with a little girl, named Annie ...
With this caveat ...
Dori, aware of her memory loss
Asked for help while facing trial after trial
Whereas Annie, having no clue of having lost her way
Did not think to seek help until she grew up, and
Even then ... As long as her loss of specific memories escaped
Conscious awareness, Annie remained blind to this fact:
While her chronological age advanced through each next stage of life
Her emotional intelligence remained stuck, as though
Swimming through an ocean of denial as thick as quicksand, where
Darkly perceived, unidentified fears stimulated
Subconscious spikes of anxiety that continued to
Limit her choices and sink her spirit until fairly recently ...

1373 22H's IF YOUR THIRST FOR DEEPER TRUTH MATCHES MINE, THEN ...

I wonder if you've ever asked yourself:  What happens each time
The dark side of our subconscious usurps control over our perceptions?

Since perceptions influence the direction of our decisions
The darker the perception, the more limited our view of choices becomes

As in:  I can't do this or I can't say that (Why not?  Because subconscious fear

Emerging as spikes of anxiety, perceives danger closing in on all sides)

Whereas fear based perceptions are so dark as to see only disaster directly ahead
Well balanced perceptions expand closed mindsets to create workable plans

The well balanced mind comes to recognizes anxiety as a cautionary measure, alerting
The expansive nature of our comfort zones to relax without growing lax

As narrow comfort zones grow more expansively relaxed, and darkened perceptions
Tend to lighten and brighten, black or white choices transform into a joyous array of colors

Once a darkened perception lightens and brightens, our think tanks, which had

Feared disastrous dead ends, grow so clear as to see sunny freeways ahead

Just as I wasn't born with strings of insight shining spotlights on
Self empowering slices of knowledge, which lighten my dark perceptions ...

I wasn't born with subconscious (unidentified) pain
Haunting my brain's conscious sense of inner peace, because

Unidentified pain, borne during childhood, festers and
Lurks within deeply repressed hidden pockets of the subconscious

The fact that unidentified pain haunted a good little girl's spirit propelled
My conscious intelligence to gain intuitive insight into creating a technicolored life

Thank goodness, the partnership, connecting intelligence with intuitive insight
Directed my conscious mind to spend many years drinking in therapy until ...

The self motivated nature of my mind's thirst for deeper truth inspired
Closed mindsets (based in subconscious fears, which had narrowed my choices) to

Pinpoint specific childhood experiences, which had darkened my perception of
My self assessment in ways that my undeveloped think tank could not fathom 

Please make no mistake, I'm not suggesting that you need therapy, though
It's true that no one leaves childhood unscathed by unidentified insecurities

I'm suggesting that a well balanced mind perceives of anxiety as a cautionary sign of

Need to tread into the great unknown mindful of self control ... On the other hand ...

Self control doth not equate with closing the door on the great unknown, which
Awaits to offer your darkened self perception the missing  key to ...

Unlocking the mysterious nature of the unidentified fear, which narrowed your
Perception of choices ever since ...

 An over reactive, beloved adult made you feel too bad for your own good, and
And with that clearly said ...

Iftoday's post doesn't offer you a soul searching sense of insight into
Food for thought then ... after I pack my traveling bag, I'll eat my hat!