CANCER AND HOME IMPROVEMENT PROJECTS

Sooo—I’ve been thinking—

  Our water pipes clanged for hours, throughout the night.  (That has happened intermittently, during the pandemic years when no workmen had entered our home.)  The fact of the clanging, last night, after we’d paid our plumber $1500 for various problems, which took days to resolve), suggests the age of our third home as being 27 years old … Geesh!

I say Geesh, because I still think of our current home as ‘our new house’ though Will and I have lived here longer than any other abode within our entire lives.

About three years ago (close to the time when my Lieomyoslarcoma was finally correctly diagnosed) we received notice from our HOA, saying that the exterior of our house was in need of painting.  With friends on the board who know how ill I’ve been, putting off this painting project has not been a hassle.  Now that we finally care about choosing colors, the painting will begin upon our return from CA. 

The fact that our minds are open to making these kinds of home improvement decisions suggests that living with active cancer has been incorporated into our every day lives.

🙋🏻‍♀️🍀🇺🇸Annie.

THANKSGIVING TRADITION 2022

 If a picture is worth a thousand words then here’s a pictorial of our family’s Thanksgiving preparations …

       And a happy Thanksgiving was enjoyed by all’

!

SELF EMPOWERED WITH THANKSGIVING

 In addition to what I want to convey on this bright, beautiful, sunny Thanksgiving Day concerning gratefulness (as well as thoughts left unfinished in previous posts), today’s train of thought rises above all else:

I’ve been enjoying a most intriguing novel, the theme of which seems evident within the two  quotes  below, followed by my intuitive thought for today—

Hester

By Laurie Lico Albanese

Main theme (to my way of thinking):

“I saw the words in your work, Mercy—the very first day. You have magic in your hands.”

She shakes her head, even as I describe the S and F linked together. (Safe)

“Not magic,” she says. “I told you before: if you think you’ve got power, then you got power. And if you think you don’t, then you don’t. That’s how you made those letters in the yellow cloth that saved us.” (Run)

“Keep your powers hidden and use them when it’s your time. Mam could not have known where my life would take me, but she understood that every woman will face peril and hardship—and that it’s best if we keep our strengths and skills close and strong. That way, when we need them, they are powerful enough to carry us to a new beginning.”

My take away:

The compound of logic (made of knowledge and experience) and the magic of the mind (made of intuition, and creativity) will take you where you don’t even know that you have need to grow beyond whomsoever you have come to be, thus far, today.  However, all of the above lays fallow within a brain that fears mustering the courage to break the mold within which you were poured during childhood so as to take a first leap of faith followed by many more as you choose to mindfully piece together the whole, self empowered adult you were born to become.

Today and everyday  I give thanks for love, friendship and personal growth as well as so much more than I can state simply in words.

With hopes that your Thanksgiving tradition is bountiful, delicious and enjoyed with loved ones eager to gather together from both near and far,

Your forever friend,

🙋🏻‍♀️🥰🍀Annie 

DEFINING HOLIDAY: FUN FUN FUN

 As fatigued as I be

I’m addicted to joy

And so, I’ll have

Lots of fun on Thanksgiving

And the fun I’m planning, which

Is sure to come

Straight from my heart

Will demand

No energy on my part

Just creativity of which

I have A LOT

More when next we meet

🙋🏻‍♀️😊🍀Annie 

A TASTE OF ITALY

 8 down 7 to go

Daily radiation treatments

Along with oral chemo, daily 

Sees me dealing with

A double whammy of

A side effect as I catch myself

Cat-napping throughout

The day, which, yesterday, was

Enhanced by sleeping on

The living room couch from

3pm-7pm, and even then

Eyelids felt heavy upon

Awakening. And while

Awake I think of myself as

A fortunate woman

Why?

Well, let’s take

This example for instance: 

Last evening, while wearing

A warm smile, Will handed

A mozzarella salad to

Me followed by

Dropping a gentle kiss upon

My brow

And when I asked—

What did I do to warrant your kiss?

Will replied without hesitation

All you have to do to win a kiss is

To be in the room with me

(Needless to say neither

Will nor I actually made use of

Words like warrant and win

Those two words just

Popped into

My mind while

Penning this post, and

Once I decided to employ

Poetic license, I also

Decided to tell you

The truth, because

Each time I publish a post

I choose to relate

The truth

The whole truth

And nothing but—

THE TRUTH

Because otherwise

There’d be no point to

Writing a blog about

Life as I choose to

Live mine, during

High times and low

🙋🏻‍♀️🍀🇺🇸Annie

Love you!

🙋🏻‍♀️❤️🍀🇺🇸

ONCE A TEACHER ALWAYS A TEACHER

 This is not a new thought on my part:

Ten men in tanks and shorts

Run back and forth in the center of

An arena, passing a large ball that

Must be dribbled and

Shot through two hoops, one at

Each end of the court

Though I agree that

This game is great fun to watch

(Here comes ‘the but’)

But—come on, let’s get real and

Answer this question—

Does sinking a large rubber ball

Into a basket command

Salaries worth many millions when

Teachers can barely scrape by on

Salaries still so low that 

Many must work two jobs to

Pay their bills while

The low wages of

Aides in our children’s classrooms

Are paid by way of fund raisers in which

The student body raises pledges from

Aunts, uncles, grand parents and

Friends for laps run while

School supplies remain

In such short supply that

Teachers are known to

Buy that which

A world power cannot (?) afford—sooo

Now that I’ve regained faith in

Our nation’s voters, who, having

Watched our democracy threatened by

Right winged White Supremacy, came out in

Droves to stand in line at the polls to

Elect a legislature bound to

Protect the longevity of our freedoms

Isn’t it high time to legislate

Significant amounts of money to

Fund the education of today’s children

(Tomorrow’s leaders) as never before?

And having had my say, today, please 

Excuse me as I redirect

My full attention away from

The truly serious subject of

Our offsprings’ under funded

Education  toward

Cheering for my over-paid (and

I mean that big-time)

Basketball team knowing that

Once Congress reconvenes

You’ll hear me say

Loud and clear

Go legislators!

Fight for what’s right!

Win big-time by funding educational needs!

🙋🏻‍♀️🍀🇺🇸🏀Annie

A GLANCE AT MY POLITICAL STANCE

trump and lake

A ticket to nowhere good for you or me.

I believe that pair would lose a run for the presidency, for sure.  I believe the liars and crazies (one and the same) have stirred sane people to take action when we fear losing the right to vote, the right to medical decisions and the right to choose whom to marry.  For the first time our fight to uphold our democracy has won over fear of a flagging economy.

Results of this midterm election have garnered my belief that we who opposes right winged white  supremacy will continue to make up the majority of the people who will vote against political figures who condone perpetrators of hate crimes.

I believe it will be a long time before deeply alarmed American voters react sleepily with complacency when elections roll around.

We want to know that those empowered with representing us are actually listening and responding to the majority so as to become truly mindful of serving the needs of their constituents.

Whew!  Trust me when I say I was not feeling at all positively focused or relaxed until reason for massive relief offering tension release manifested itself throughout the whole of me once sane intelligent voters gained the win in certain states.  Whew!

Though I admire and support Biden/Harris, I feel need to ask the same questions I felt need to ask half way through trump’s reign of terror:  As we know how quickly time flies by—who amongst the current generation of youthful political figures will be ready to step up to lead the lion share of our sane populous forward once 2024 becomes the current year to host our next presidential election?

I wonder if The USA (which had of recent years elected a certifiable lunatic to rule, over all) will be ready to elect an intelligent, experienced woman to the highest office in the land. (???)

🙋🏻‍♀️🤔🍀 Annie

LIMBO AND LOVED ONES

 Though feeling peaceful, today, I’m also in limbo.  We have no clue as to whether this protocol of oral chemo has been attacking cancer cells traveling through my blood stream (last month’s tumor marker test was not good), and we’ve no clue as to how radiation treatments will affect the tumor in my neck.  My PET scan is scheduled for Dec. 12th.  That’s a month from now.  Please—no new tumors.

Please!  Please!  Please!

Going to Mayo, every day, keeps cancer on my mind.

How does that allow for my spirit feeling peaceful?

A mindful sense of mental compartmentalization.

The peaceful portion of my mind exists separately from the mental compartment where my connection to reality accepts the ultimate meaning of stage four cancer..

So hopefully, you can see why common sense suggests my enjoyment of life, day to day, rather than wasting time considering that which lies too far ahead to determine what to actually fear.  

I've also found that being a positively focused, kindhearted gentle person hosts a peaceful soul.

🙋🏻‍♀️😊🌈🍀

Once radiation treatments are complete, we plan to drive to CA, again, where so much time is spent enjoying loved ones that, other than fatigue, I tend to ‘forget’ about serious health issues, sometimes for days!  And upon our return from CA, mid Dec., my sister, brother-in-law and nephew (Matt’s family) plan to arrive on the first day of Chanukah offering our family yet another heartfelt celebration of love as their presence will presently be a great present for all of us to enjoy, for sure!.

                CA, summer of 2022

 

My sister, Lauren, her husband, Mickey and grandsons

 

              Matt, Melissa, Josh (7) and Jordan (4)

🙋🏻‍♀️🥰🌈🍀🌟🇺🇸Annie

DEFINING MY NEW NORMAL?

That which had been considered normal hath not existed for years  And the new normal proves highly individualized.

Normal for me has become quiet days, reading, writing,  enjoying the study of Shakespeare and riding next to Will to and from Mayo on Mon.-Fri.  My new normal includes chemo, surgeries, radiation.

Weather permitting, we enjoy meeting friends for dinner on restaurant patios, two to three times each week.  Evenings are spent watching a lot of football, basketball and tv series, my favorites on PBS.  All having been DVR’d. (13 commercials, one after another, is beyond the patience of The Dali Lama.)

I miss hosting large boisterous sumptuous holiday dinners, international travel, theater dates, dancing at parties, downhill skiing, and crunchy popcorn at the movies.  Most of all, I miss my good health.  I miss energy lasting more than a few brief moments before needing to sit down to catch my breath.  My new normal sees walkers and a wheelchair in my home.  Chairs strategically placed in hopes of my not falling flat on my face on marble tile—again

How grateful I am that Steven, Ravi and my niece, Jessica, live in town, and Barry, Marie, Tony, Ray and David, Beth, Steve, Cath and Zena reside less than a day's drive away.  How grateful I am that Lauren and Mickey fly in several times annually while Howie, Deb, Matt and Melissa, Josh, Elizabeth, bradly, Sara, Adam and Jamie remain in close touch with photos and videos via text.  

With open arms we welcomed Will’s cousin (my dear friend) Betty, Allen and their family whence they’d decided to dwell nearby in the desert.  Though Harry, Viv and Phil, Joel and Peggy and Michael and Nicola, Robbin, Bruce, Ceci, Jess and Terri live across the country, how blessed we are to have Andi and Mike living just down the street, and just as Ryan and Trish keep in touch every few days—Susan (and Roland) remain in touch more than once, daily.  And then there’s Jill, Bob, Adam  and Sami and of course, Debbie (who actually writes poems buoyed with hope floating toward me on wings of love), and Merle and Mack; Shainie and Michael, Marty and Nancy, Sue and Ronnie, Marilyn and Joel, Judy and Ron, Cath, Kai and Aidan, Kari and Mara, Judy and Julian  Barb and Skip, Michael and Rayna, Simmy (Adi ❤️ rip) and Deb, Shelly and Jerry  Mike and Lana, Sharon, Joan and Adrienne, Linda and Les and friends in book clubs and on and on—so you see—as long as beloved family and treasured friends remain close to my heart and healthy, everything I miss doing remains doable as in acceptable.

So rather than dwelling on what’s gone missing, I feel incredibly blessed knowing that within ‘my new normal’—everyone I love, loves me back.  And now, here it comes—uninvited, a spontaneous, yet utterly peaceful sense of mental fatigue.  Eyelids feeling heavy, lashes fluttering downward, eyes about to close knowing that however you define the new normal, mine continues to feel blessed with a life well lived, because even while seriously confined, most often, to my bed, my mindful spirit, feels vibrantly alive, and my heart, over flows with love, offering my sense of whilensss countless reasons to feel content with enjoying time spent with family and friends with what seems to me to be forever and ever and maybe even longer than that  … 

Family circa 1964 gathered to see Will’s brother, Jules, off to his year long, hand surgery fellowship in Finland

Will and I, being engaged at that time, will welcome Jules’ family home, and upon their return, our niece Beth, at two and a half, will be my flower girl…

Family then.  Family now.  Family forever …

And of course—family includes treasured

Friends adopted as family throughout our lives

Tis the season of Thanks Giving, and just as

Every day, I give thanks for

Deeply devoted family

I give thanks for all of you

My ever supportive friends!

🙋🏻‍♀️❤️🌈🍀🌟Annie

RADIATION DAY THREE (HL)

 TGIF holds new meaning for me

Each Friday will be followed by

Two days in which

Our car does not

Back out from our garage

And head straight toward Mayo as

If on auto pilot

It’s not that radiation has been

A pain: however

The fact that I will remain

Unmasked over the weekend

Is a welcome reprieve from

Feeling all of my facial features

(My eyes, nose, mouth, chin

Throat and neck) attached firmly to

The radiation table, as my whole head is

Tightly encased within

A personalized, hardened mesh mask that

Prevents my moving (from

The neck upward) so much as

A millimeter (as though to protect

Everyone in the room from

H. L. whenever that

Evil character had need to be

Temporarily released from his cage—

Chomp!  Chomp!) 😱

Just kidding!

I don’t feel like Hannibal the cannibal

I do feel seriously squished within

This hardened head mask that

Attaches to the radiation table upon which

I lie, face up

Five days, each week

🙋🏻‍♀️🌈🍀Annie

A PLAYFUL SPIRIT IS MINE

 On Tuesday evening, Will, David and I enjoyed dinner with Andi and Michael on the patio of a favorite restaurant.  On Wednesday morning, David drove back to the west coast.  On Wednesday afternoon, I carried everyone’s loving wishes with me to my first radiation treatment, thinking that thoughts of family and friends would surely buoy my spirit, thus calling forth my smile to feel playful with well trained technicians whose expertise directs rays of radiation at this unwelcome supergirl tumor in my neck, which. hopefully, following fifteen treatments in all, will find itself zapped to kingdom come.

With positive focus secured, I’ve readied myself to accept radiation treatments as yet another way to extend my life  and hopefully, the ‘bad sunburn’, which may build up upon the skin of my neck, will not prove more painful than I’ve been led to believe.  As to Oral chemo, taken nightly, hopefully, it’s attacking cancer cells in my blood while daily radiation treatments zap the tumor in my neck (without sapping too much more of my energy.

As with all things—Time will tell.  With two radiation treatments tallied—So far, so good …

🍀🙋🏻‍♀️🍀 Annie

RICHARD III AND LADY ANNE

 I postponed Monday’s rehearsal with a classmate (via FaceTime) of an impassioned scene in which Richard III (a blackguard) dares to sweeps Lady Anne (whose husband he’s killed in battle) off her feet in his ploy to make her his own (though he declares within an aside to the audience that he will not keep her long).  Though a sweet tongued roguish rascal doth R prove to be, Lady Anne’s ultimate capitulation maketh no sense—unless Shakespeare had maketh frequent use of poetic license thus stooping to exacerbate R’s hunched back while hardening his villain’s heart.  I mean, questions exist as to whether Shakespeare made R ever so monstrous to curry favor with Queen Elizabeth I as a recent perusal of historical documentation suggests as being worthy of our serious consideration.  In any case

While texting my mutual amateur thespian, Chuck, of my need to postpone our FaceTime rehearsal till Tuesday, here is the message I chose to compose—

Several times a day, I hear myself telling Will—I couldn’t do this without your heart connected so lovingly with mine.  And the constant love of our family and friends continues to buoy both of our spirits, every day.  I maintain my balance by feeling truly grateful for daily blessings of which there are many.  And in that way do I adhere to a positively focused attitude based in peacefulness, day after day.  We’re deeply appreciative of my team at Mayo, as we feel my needs have been highly prioritized over these past three years.  And having had four surgeries and many rounds of chemo (which necessitated emergency hospitalizations and blood transfusions), my on-going need of astute medical care has been answered with such kind consistency as to be numbered amongst my blessings, as well.

Monday will be spent consciously clearing my head so as to face Wednesday’s first radiation treatment wearing an honest smile in appreciation of the role played by modern medical technology, which continues  to extend the length of my life, thus affording me additional time to enjoy with family and friendships, such as the one that’s developed between you and me.

And for reasons described above, I’ve postponed our rehearsal of one of Shakespeare’s impassioned ‘love/hate’ scenes until the sun doth rise on the morrow.

Until then, I bid thee adieu,

Lady Anne

Hey! I mean—Harken! So sayeth your friend, Annie—This similarity of names certainly adds to injecting my study of Shakespeare with a sense of timeless good old fashion fun 🙋🏻‍♀️😊🌈🍀

I TRUST MY MIND TO FEEL CALM

 I just woke up!

It’s past 11am!

And knowing that my first radiation treatment is, tomorrow, I’d not be surprised if while I was asleep, my brain has been working overtime to withhold anxiety from overwhelming my surface layer of calm.  Hopefully, my subconscious state of alarm (based in horror stories on the part of some of our radiated friends), will prove unfounded for me, and I’ll just feel more fatigued.

I plan to spend what little is left of this morning practicing my part as Lady Anne in Shakespeare’s RICHARD III, which will be fun as I watch myself grow less apt at tripping over Elizabethan word choices each time I recite my lines, again and again.  Then this afternoon, I’ll FaceTime with my classmate, Chuck (who played Desdemona to my Othello), and as he’ll play the part of Richard in our most current Zoomed student project (to be performed in early December), we’ll practice our lines, together.

We chose the scene in which R is wooing A after he’s killed her husband and father-in-law in battle.  As you can imagine, this is an emotion-driven scene, and thus, is great fun to capture for ourselves.  Gentle Ann feels driven to call R, (the blackguard), every despicable word that expresses her disgust until the end of the scene whence she capitulates and can be seen extending her arm to accept his ring.

And now, forsooth, I am away to practice my part in this tragedy in which—alas— a pair of cherub cheeked lads, swept into the tower, will have met with foul play at the hand of the dastardly rogue uncle they’d trusted to protect them from bodily harm.  Thus doth we see how one man’s lust for supreme power breeds evil—and sadly—tis no better throughout the world we inhabit, today. 

As to all of my friends, tis my hope that evil will never darken your doors, freeing your souls to enjoy a lifetime of very good days …

🙋🏻‍♀️ Lady Anne

(who most assuredly would not be so naive if a cruel minded knave, likened to RIII, came to woo me, today) 

https://www.alamy.com/richard-duke-of-gloucester-and-the-lady-anne-by-edwin-austin-abbey-1852-1911-oil-on-canvas-1896-an-illustration-of-richard-iii-by-william-shakespeare-image330956363.html?imageid=246BD046-A118-407A-AC3E-DBA3B3115F68&p=176541&pn=1&searchId=e9247cd02f7b690040317d8b2372294d&searchtype=0

BUNNY LOVE

 Here’s an example of fatigue—we’ve been home from the coast for two weeks, and I’ve just begun to consider unpacking.  Perhaps, tomorrow.  Or not … 

I was ordering something on Amazon when a funny bunny hat popped up on my screen, and as it was love at first sight, I knew without a doubt that I’d be the energizer bunny, this year, for Halloween.  Thank goodness this self inspired costume contains my steroid induced pudginess within my white furry exterior, because each time I look in a full length mirror, I can’t help but wonder who is this woman who is dressed in my clothing, and what has she done with my shoulder length hair?

Thank goodness—my funny bone has lots more energy for fun than is true of the rest of me.  And that’s a very good thing since the strength of my spirit’s smile is in training to last one second longer than my body’s very last breath.

Happy Halloween—yet again—because I just found this post forgotten in unpublished drafts …

With hopes that you enjoy the spirit sustaining simplicity of lots of good old fashioned fun with family and friends, all year round …

🙋🏻‍♀️🎃👻🧚‍♀️Annie

WHILE MY MIND REMAINS ASWIRL

Though my most recent difficult medical decision has been made with logic leading the way, my emotional reaction continues to erupt, feeling like an upstart, stirring up my thought processor too much to express myself in writing with the clarity, which thankfully was mine when we were summoned to meet with my medical team, who generously chose to reconvene on the spare of the moment, yesterday, at Mayo.  Though I’d not wanted to miss my Shakespeare class via zoom, my gratitude for my medical team’s personal involvement with my well being actually felt palpable.

Once my processor feels less swirly, I’ll outline how pros outweighed cons while my decision making process concerning surgical removal vs radiating my neck tumor came to depend upon common sense to resolve this inner conflict that ran interference with regaining peace of mind, which is not yet entirely mine.

Thank goodness, David is with us and a sleep over with Ravi is planned for tonight.  Along with Dr. Papa, we’re all eager to enjoy an evening filled with uncomplicated fun, which is just what my tightly wound mind is in need of to feel fully relaxed though radiation therapy lies directly ahead …

🙋🏻‍♀️😊Annie 

A SPIRITED STRUGGLE BETWEEN COURAGE AND FEAR

 When several days pass without my having published a new post that’s indicative of my thoughts concerning some aspect of life running far too deep to have composed my emotional reaction so as to be able to construct sentence structure that clearly reveals whatever feeling I’ve been currently suppressing deep within my mind.

For example, ever since my appointment on Tuesday with the oncology radiologist at Mayo, my mental struggle has been concerned with mustering the courage to overcome fear so as to make a decision based in logic in hopes of prolonging my life.

👩🏻Annie

PS   If you’ve come to know me then you already know which side of my spirit will ultimately win this debate that has stirred inner conflict to disrupt my peace of mind.

Oh!  One more thing—while feeling conflicted I’m also grateful for the fact that, over these past three days, nausea has not returned. And as you can imagine, my beleaguered mind considers that groomed sense of rebalance to be a welcome relief.