When a mind is laboring with current and repressed emotions that prove much more complex than the conscious portion of our think tanks can fathom, we receive hints of combustible mental tension building up, which may not be as obvious to us as may be revealed to others whose focus is so astute as to observe the depths of the mental strain churning inside us each time our mouths open, releasing voice tones that can't hide the stressed state of our minds no matter how valiantly our defense systems work toward attempting to calmly and clearly express our most heartfelt thoughts.
When internal emotional combustion coils up into tightly wound springs of mental pressure, which grows so tense as to disrupt the processor's linear progression of a logical train of thought, our brains feel as if one emotion, spiraling into another, causes more than one train of thought to crash head on until all we have left to work with inside our heads is a swirling sensation of one train wreck barreling down upon another with no engineer to step on the brakes, and as this causes our think tanks to feel anxiously overwhelmed, it's not unusual to lose hold of our equilibrium as if the room is spinning when reality suggests that all of the spinning that requires sitting down in order not to fall down is actually confined inside our heads... and though my line of control has become well practiced to coach my brain to put on the brakes before an adrenaline rush overwhelms my processor's sense of logic-based clarity, there are times when several contrasting emotional reactions roll over each other, simultaneously, so as to dizzy my head too much to restrain one emotion from gaining speed over the next, suggesting emergent inner conflicts, crashing head on ... for example, yesterday, upon scrolling back through my hard drive's private stash of posts, I was surprised to find unpublished posts mingling, here and there, amongst those which, over these past emotion-filled weeks, had been sent into cyberspace in an orderly fashion, so, feeling befuddled as to what to do with these trains of insight driven thoughts, which I'd thought to have posted but had not, I decided to collect them into a group (which though muddled proves very much interconnected) and send them out to you, unread and unedited, one by one, suggesting that I'll examine the changing state of my mind to myself
P at the same time that you are reading about weeks of rolling emotion-driven reactions for the first time, and as this simple plan stops my analytic mind from dizzying itself trying to figure out how best to present the lot in an orderly fashion, I've decided to detour around my organized nature by imagining any posts that do not have numbers, conveying the order in which they'd been written, as being tossed into a brightly colored hat, which I'll hold high over my head in one hand while with the other I'll reach up to hand pick a post a day. thus winging it by publishing one after another ... haphazardly ... so having readied you to expect a kaleidoscopic view of thoughts that marched out of my subconscious into my conscious mind over these last several turbulent weeks, here comes ... (oh wait ... one more thing ...
It might help to remind you of the order of events that catalyzed this most recent emotional roller coaster, beginning with our sobering visit with Will's brother, Jeremy before we drove to the west coast where, while vacationing with all of our kids at our timeshare, we received the sad call about Jeremy's passing, so, hearts heavy with loss, we flew to our desert home to pack for Jeremy's funeral, which having been held in the Midwest saw us on another plane the next day, where we (and our sons) were lovingly supported by many members of our extended family and friends along with those whose defense systems persistently struggle with another very sad, on-going situation, which has been beyond their power to control to suit their needs, and thus did they passive-aggressively aim their misdirected frustration at us since their agenda always takes precedence over whatever is taking place in our lives (Note: "a young Bernie Sanders, seeing friends moving 'towards an authoritarian sort of Progressivism', explains, 'They were standing up for a divisive brand of politics that would tolerate no dissent whatsoever.' "
In short, Bernie was suggesting that the truly liberal individual must be sacrificed to the collective ideology of the group, so as long as I disagreed with the groupthink attitude of that portion of my extended family then I, along with anyone who agrees with the neutrality of my emotional stance, must be cast out, because those who capitalize on seeing themselves as the only victims that count will always find a scapegoat upon whom to assign the role of villain, who heartlessly harms those who need to believe themselves most virtuous of all.
After our four day stay in the hotel in the Midwest, we packed again and flew directly to the west coast where we still had several days remaining to spend in our timeshare where our spirits felt heartfully embraced by our sons' families, and together, we all welcomed Jeremy's daughter home when her plane landed on the west coast after her return from the Midwest, where she'd tearfully wished her dad a peaceful sleep, and in the aftermath of that heartfelt family dinner, Will and I packed up at the condo to drive back the following day to our desert abode where Will's mind and mine, concentrating on losses of many kinds (and to differing degrees), absorbed the beginning stages of grieving ever more deeply once we'd felt quietly ensconced within the peaceful ambiance of our home.
So though these past several weeks of deepening saddness have mingled with emotional upheaval, exacerbatung our state of mental, physical and spiritual exhaustion (some of which was due to our need to deflect and suppress mental frustration so as to keep our cool when the long-standing conflict mentioned above pinched at our heartstrings during shiva), our connection to inner balance was not severed for this reason: We've chosen to remain consciously and appreciatively fully aware of the abundance of heartfelt support that we continue to receive from loved ones on the west coast, in the Midwest and here in the desert, as well ... and now, with thoughts of our cups being much more than half full, here comes the kaleidescoptic collection of intuitive, insight-driven trains of thought penned but not published over these past several weeks ...)
PS
Speaking of spiritual support, I just want to send a note of appreciation to Italy, where, for reasons unknown to me, followers of my blog have been on an upsurge over these past several days ... glad to welcome you aboard!
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