What if, over these past several weeks, my awareness of mental irritation (expressed in the form of episodic spikes of anxiety) is related less to the fact that stories (concerning my choice to discipline my sons with a loving sense of creativity, highlighting humor) persist in backing up inside my head and more to this possibility that's just popped into my conscious mind: What if my brain's main reason for penning this blog has been inspired, all along, by my intuitive need to delve ever more deeply into my psyche in hopes of emerging with forgotten details of past events, which my defense system thought best to repress within subconscious storage ever since early childhood trauma served to severe my conscious memory from experiences so terrifying as to have silenced my voice whenever anything referencing any portion of those experiences stimulates my anxiety to strike as high as had originally been true? I mean, what if writing my blog has always been devoted less to relating stories from the past and more to focus my intuitive intelligence to expose reasons that terror continues to cause my voice to catch in my throat and dry up as soon as an unexpected eruption of PTSD hits ... I mean, all we have to do is to reread the very first post that my intuitive voice penned and published, worldwide to see that today's theory is actually deeper truth's creative way to speak to me by fooling my fear into believing that my primary reason for penning one insight-driven post after another is to inspire you to 'know thyself' by diving ever more deeply into your psyche, too. Ha! If my defense system is a clever little fellow, in recent years it's been no match for my power of intuition, which proves just as creative if not more! And having come to see that my defense system and my intuition both act in my best interest in hopes of saving my sanity from feeling crazy each time the world around me spins off of its axis as if going bonkers was as natural to the untrained brain's human condition as breathing in and breathing out ... and so if I see my defense system and intuition reacting like a tag team that takes turns wrestling fear to the mat then by jove - I think I've got it!
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT, OVER THESE PAST SEVERAL WEEKS, MY BRAIN HAS FELT OVERWHELMED WITH INTERMITTENT BOUTS OF ANXIETY IN REACTION TO THE PROBABILITY THAT MY INTUITIVE POWERS HAVE BEEN READYING MY CONSCIOUS AWARENESS TO CONFRONT THE MAIN ROOT OF EVERY MAJOR INNER CONFLICT THAT MY TWO SIDED BRAIN HAS WRESTLED WITH OVER MY LIFETIME.
AND AT THIS STAGE IN MY PROCESS, IS TODAY'S INTUITIVE STRING IF INSIGHTS CHALLENGING MY SENSE OF READINESS TO CONFRONT AND RESOLVE THE MAGNITUDE OF THIS MOST PRIMAL FEAR, REGARDING DEATH, WHICH HAS BEEN CAUSING MY SENSE OF WELL BEING TO SHAKE IN ITS BOOTS WHILE MY WELL PRACTICED, INTUITIVE CONNECTION TO COURAGE CINTINUES TO ENCOURAGE MY CONSCIOUS AWARENESS TO MOVE CAUTIOUSLY FORWARD, ONE SELF DISCIPLINED STEP AT A TIME, TOWARD FREEING MY CONSCIOUS MIND TO ABSORB INSIGHTS, CONCERNUNG YESTERYEAR'S TERRIFYING LOSSES MORE ASSUREDLY THAN EVER BEFORE? LET'S SEE IF THIS PORTION OF MY INTUITIVE THEORY REFLECTS DEEPER TRUTH SPEAKING TO ME BY WAY OF REFLECTING THROUGH CREATIVE WRITING ...
EVER SINCE MY GRANDPA'S SUDDEN DEATH WAS FOLLOWED WEEKS LATER BY JANET'S TERRIFYING DEMISE, A PORTION OF MY BRAIN HAS REMAINED AS TRAMATIZED, PRESENTLY, AS HAD BEEN TRUE WHEN MY HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS FELT FLASH-FROZEN INTO A MINDLESS STATE OF PANIC, BORN OF WITNESSING MY FAMILY'S ANGUISHED EMOTIONAL PAIN (EXACERBATED BY BLAME) BEFORE I'D TURNED THREE, AT WHICH TIME MY DESPERATE NEED TO FEND OFF ANY POSSIBILITY OF DEATH STEALING ANOTHER LOED ONE AWAY STIMULATED MY DEFENSE SYSTEM TO BUILD A MIGHTY WALL OF DENIAL, SEPARATING MY
CONSCIOUS CAREFREE SIDE FROM MY SUBCONSCIOUS, HYPERVILIGANT ATTITUDE OF PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILUTY FOR MY LOVED ONES' CONTINUING WELFARE, WHICH CHALLENGED MY PROCESSOR TO REACH FAR AND AWAY, ABOVE AND BEYOND ANY HUMAN BEING'S CONTROL, AND AS LONG AS THIS UNATTAINABLE GOAL REMAINED SECRETED WITHIN A DEEP, DARK, SUBCONSCIOUS POCKET OF MY MIND, I'D UNKNOWINGLY GUILTED MYSELF WITH NOT FEELING GOOD ENOUGH TO RELAX IN THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN DEEPLY LOVED FOR COUNTLESS REASONS THAT WILL REMAIN TRUE ONCE I FULLY AGREE TO STOP HOLDING MY PROCESSOR ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE SAFEKEEPING OF EVERYONE I LOVE, AND THUS DOES TODAY'S INTUITIVE DIVE EVER MORE DEEPLY INTO PAST HISTORY, SERVE TO CUT THE CORD, WHICH HAD CONNECTED MY LIFELONG SENSE OF SURVIVOR S GUILT TO FEELINGS, ITCHING WITH PERSONAL FAILURE IF ANY PAIN, WHATSOEVER, DISTRESSED A LOVED ONE ON MY WATCH ... QUADRUPLE WHEW! THAT'S QUITE AN OVERSIZED PIECE OF HEAVY BAGGAGE TO HAVE LUGGED AROUND INSIDE MY HEAD SINCE THE AGE OF THREE! IN MY BIRTH FAMILY, ANYONE WHO FAILED TO FALL IN LINE AND AGREE WITH THE VOICE OF AUTHORITY CHALLENGED A MIGHTY HAIL STORM OF INSULTS THAT SLAMMED LOVES DOOR IN YOUR FACE ... AND THUS, IN THE AFTER ATH OF DOUBLE TRAGEDY, DID DID MY SELF ASSERTIVE VOICE FEEL NEED TO RETREAT, LEADING TOWARD MY FAILURE TO HEAR MYSELF THINK ALOUD, SO CLEARLY AS TO RISE UP IN MY OWN DEFENSE. IF YOU'D PUT ME DOWN, I'D FELT SAFEST SAYING NOTHING AT ALL IN HOPES THAT WITH TIME THE FURIES WOULD CALM DOWN AND PEACE WOULD RETURN ON ITS OWN ...
UP UNTIL TODAY, MY OVER-REACTIVE SENSITIVITY, CONCERNING EMPATHY, INTERTWINING WITH SUBCONSCIOUS FEAR. OFFERED MY THINK TANK NO TIME TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN ERUPTIONS OF MY SUBCONSCIOUS PAIN, MY CURRENT PAIN AND THE NEGATIVELY CHARGED EMOTIONALLY REACTIVE PAIN OF OTHERS, AND THOUGH THAT INSIGHT, HIGHLIGHTING EACH EPISODE OF PTSD THAT SHATTERED MY PROCESSOR'S SENSE OF CLARITY, IS NOT NEW TO ME, THIS NEXT INSIGHT IS: I'D NOT REALIZED, UNTIL TODAY, THAT MY FEAR OF DEATH AND MY NEED TO PLEASE WERE INDIVISIBLY INTERTWINED. AND ON THE HEELS OF THAT INSIGHT HERE COMES ANOTHER ... MY SPIRIT WEARS OUT, BECAUSE, LOVING AS
MANY PEOPLE AS I DO, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE IN PAIN, WHO FEELS NEED OF AN EMPATHETIC EAR ... AND NOW I FINALLY KNOW WHY I'VE HATED TO HEAR THE RINGTONE SIGNALLING ME TO ANSWER THE PHONE, BECAUSE I'VE OPENED MYSELF TO FEED COUNTLESS GOOD SOULS WHO HUNGER FOR AN UNDERSTANDING EAR ... IN SHORT, I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW THAT HAVING BRAINSTORMED WITH MYSELF IN HOPES OF OFFERING ONE LOVED ONE AFTER ANOTHER (EACH OF WHOM HAD EXPERIENCED SOUND REASON TO FEEL DOWN), A COMPASSIONATE STRING OF INSIGHT-DRIVEN REASONS TO THINK THE BEST OF THEMSELVES, EVENTUALLY (DEPENDING ON HOW MANY PEOPLE FELT NEED OF MY STRENGTH, SIMULTANEOUSLY), MY SPIRIT WOULD HANG UP THE PHONE AND FEEL DRAINED DRY OF EVERY LAST DROP OF MENTAL ENERGY NEEDED TO LIVE (and enjoy) MY OWN LIFE FREE OF EXHAUSTING STRIFE THAT WAS NOT MINE TO 'FIX' ... FIX ... AS IN NEED RETIRING THAT PORTION OF THE FIXER WHO HELD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR FIXING BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS THAT WERE NOT MINE! BUT WHAT IF RETIRING THE FIXER CONDEMNED ME TO LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY LIFE UNLOVED? AS IN BE THERE FOR ME OR FIND YOURSELF BANISHED FROM THE INNER SANCTUM OF MY HEART ... WOW!
So what, you might ask, catalyzed this particular string of life-changing insights to emerge, today?
Hmmm ...
Written, today: Sept, 15, 2017
Though this post was originally penned weeks ago, my brain did not feel free to absorb these insights into long-term memory until today, suggesting why repetition is not redundant when the primary goal is retention of life changing perceptions that serve to heighten self awareness in hopes of deepening one's heartfelt connection to self-respectful self worth!
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