THE DAY OF ATONEMENT DAWNS ONCE EACH YEAR

Though I've welcomed our high holy days into the depths of my heart throughout
My life, during recent years, I've grown ever more soulfully aware of
My need to absorb certain psalms ever more consciously into my daily existence

As today's service is over, we await family and friends to break the fast, so
 It's likely I'll not have time to post psalms that spoke personally to me until
Early next week, if at that later date doing so remains uppermost in my mind

Yes, I know—today's post is almost identical to yesterday's, and I chose to do that to
Exemplify the fact that—whoops—the door bell just rang, announcing Ravi's arrival
So I'll publish today's unfinished train of thought with a high ho Yom Tov!

WHY DO THE DATES OF JEWISH HOLIDAYS 'SEEM' TO' CHANGE FROM YEAR TO YEAR?

WHY DO DATES OF JEWISH HOLIDAYS 'SEEM' TO CHANGE FROM YEAR TO YEAR?

"A few years ago, I was in a synagogue, and I overheard one man ask another, "When is Chanukkah this year?" The other man smiled ... and replied, "Same as always: the 25th of Kislev." This humorous comment makes an important point: the date of Jewish holidays does not change from year to year. Holidays are celebrated on the same day of the Jewish calendar every year, but the Jewish year is not the same length as a solar year on the civil calendar used by most of the western world, so the date shifts on the civil calendar.

© Copyright 5756-5771 (1995-2011), Tracey R Rich

About the Author

Tracey Rich:  "I do not claim to be a rabbi or an expert on Judaism; I'm just a traditional, observant Jew who has put in a lot of research. I must be doing something right, because one of the rabbis at an "Ask a Rabbi" website routinely copies material from this website! All of the material on this site was created by me, just one individual. There is no corporation or organization behind this site.

EREV YOM KIPPUR ... THE HOLIEST DAY OF THE YEAR 5778

Tonight, during our Kol Nidre service, which traditionally ushers in tomorrow's solemn day of atonement, the melodic richness of our cantor's voice will chant the ancient prayer, which for thousands of years has inspired the Jewish people to congregate and reflect ever so pensively over the past year in hopes of identifying and absorbing aspects of our personal lives that prove in need of change for the better as the new year unfolds.

Though I've welcomed our high holy days into the depths of my heart throughout
My life, during recent years, I've grown ever more soulfully aware of
My need to absorb certain psalms ever more consciously into my daily existence

After tomorrow's service, we'll break the fast in our home with family and friends
So it's likely that I'll not have time to post those psalms until early next week, if
At that later date, doing so is still uppermost in my mind ...

GOOD MENTAL HEALTH REQUIRES SWEEPING CLUTTER OUT OF SUBCONSCIOUS STORAGE

In case you wonder why recent posts remain unnumbered, my mind's been too busy simplifying complex strings of insight to think about assigning numbers to trains of thought penned this week, which are being published intermittently with those recently found languishing in drafts.  Though this sense of disorder irritates my attentiveness to mental organization, intuition directs me to 'let it go' until such time as I feel self-empowered to backtrack, having figured out how to number these posts by making 'good' use of creativity.

As for now, common sense is offering my tired noodle a day off from puzzling through mental complexity in favor of diverting my strong sense of organization toward clearing my physical environment of unnecessary clutter by cleaning out a pair of bathroom cabinets in similar fashion to the way that I choose to sweep negatively focused attitudes out of subconscious pockets deep within my brain—I mean, just as better use is made of brain space by outing self defeating attitudes secreted subconsciously, common sense suggests making better use of cabinet space by tossing out extraneous items that prove unworthy of donating or saving.

No midweek playdate with Ravi, today.  We have colds and so does she

Once everyone stops sneezing, here's what we'll look forward to seeing:

CHECK OUT CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, CONCERNING YESTERDAY'S POST

Upon review, yesterday's train of thought was so complex as to compel me upon awakening, today, to straighten my thinking cap and create change for the better by simplifying the sentence structure of that post so as to ease your absorption of a highly diverse yet inter-related string of insights.  And having consciously restructured yesterday's stream of words (which proves necessary whenever my think tank chugs ahead faster than my fingers can type), I hope you'll choose to have another go at mental absorption, today.

BY CALLING FORTH CREATIVITY, MY POWER OF INTUITION OVERRIDES MY DEFENSE SYSTEM'S FEAR OF EMOTIONAL COMPLEXITY

After watching last night's news (which is a rarity, as of late), I awakened, this morning, feeling need to share these thoughts:  Children whose brains endured or witnessed emotional cruelty on an on-going basis grow up in need of astute professional guidance that inspires their intuitive powers to tune into the first hint of a tidal wave of repressed suffering threatening to erupt from deep within their subconscious so as to stop the vicious cycle of violent outbursts, which terrifies the existential nature of young brains into submission to authority or rebellion, either way, shattering all sense of mutual respect in so many homes as to bring to mind two movies worth seeing on Netflix or Amazon Prime, or wherever they may be viewed:  SHINE and RADIO FLYER.  As opposites attract, it's not uncommon for an aggressor, married to a pacifist, to raise a pair of siblings, one of whom emulates the first while another emulates the second ...

If counseling is not offered to these children, the raging cycle of emotional violence, which disregards mutual respect, will be unconsciously absorbed within subconscious memory that unknowingly passes the inflamed nature of unidentified pain from one generation to the next for this reason:  Unlike physical violence, perpetrating lasting injury to an athlete's brain as can be seen on MRI's, emotional violence, injuring the sanctity of the brain's ability to absorb peaceable methods of conflict resolution, remains difficult to diagnose until children, whose shattered connection to inner peace, will have grown up to become so depressively subservient or aggressively violent as to require professional guidance, astutely trained to gently coach the intuitive intelligence of the aggressive or subservient injured party (because both brains endured trauma during childhood) to actively and courageously regain conscious awareness of memories so terrifying as to have been defensively repressed when a child's thought processor was literally too young to call forth words to describe the depths of terror that had severed an innocent mind from all sense of personal safety, creating an anxiety disorder.  Thank goodness for EMDR therapy, which is available to children (and adults), who have no conscious clue of the fact that they've suffered from attacks of PTSD, which, like heart attacks, range across a wide spectrum from minor to major.

As no one can heal the portions of another person's shattered sense of personal safety other than the person whose brain remains subconsciously traumatized, a therapist's gentle hand must be engaged to guide that individual's sense of readiness toward embracing the courage, humility and patience necessary to participate in the healing process until the shattered portions of that person's sense of safety have been healed.  And the younger help is offered the better, because as long as the healing process is delayed, secondary layers of defensiveness will build up, over time, suggestive of the fact that in order for therapy to be effective, the soothing (softening) nature of the therapist must encourage the patient to peel his/her onion, ever so carefully, so that one layer of a defensive wall of denial after another softens until the primary terror, repressed at the child's core, has been exposed and expunged, for all time.

When raised to fearfully follow a parent's autocratic attitude that 'cracks the whip', a child will grow into an adult whose sense of personal safety is based in 'group-think', where pleasers, assuming the role of followers, will fail to develop an independent voice—on the other hand, if a child absorbs the parent's 'crack-the-whip position of leadership, he or she will usurp a bullying sense of control over 'group-think' by casting a fear-based divisive attitude of violence over a portion of the masses, who, having become transfixed, will follow this hollow leader's detersive talent to stir up their personal terrors so as to draw forth and enflame repressed pain and anger, lurking subconsciously within mob mentality's bullying attitudes, again and again.  As in:  Lock her up! or Lock them out! or You're fired!

Upon awakening, today, I'd thought my power of intuition was writing about me until the elasticity of mind expansion offered my stream of consciousness a wide-lensed view of the kind of family life in which an autocratic dictator, firing off orders, stimulates the development of a fiery fear-monger, such as the one who's been stirring up bullying attitudes in mobs, which have felt beaten down by an uncaring government (simulating a bullying, uncaring parent?) for so long that unrepressed demonstrations of anger overwhelm common sense each time this rabble-rousing leader holds a rally that ignites followers to blindly defend every word of his offensively defensive brand of divisive leadership as gospel by as he indoctrinates group-think with the belief that you're 100% with me or I'll grind you to dust, where you'll grovel for mercy, which you'll not receive, at my feet ... Whew!  can it be true that today's impassioned outpouring of vitriol erupted from within the kind-hearted, gentle soul such as I know mine to be?  Well, yes—because being human suggests reminding myself that human nature will find ways to release both sides of oneself in creatively mysterious (sometimes devious) ways—in fact ...

Have you taken note of how creatively my defense system has preoccupied my conscious mind with cavorting along side of Ravi's delightful innocence by day while by night, my power of intuition works to ready this emotional tornado of deeper truth, swirling subconsciously within, to emerge as I awaken feeling as though my intelligence has hot wired my think tank to my pleasure-center's natural desire to write so as to string together an interrelated conglomeration of insights into a cohesive train of thought as though there's no need for creative writing to consult with my conscious mind, at all—and that insight begs this asking this question:  Does the pleasure of center The Donald's think tank arise, first thing every morning, functioning at the other extreme of mental polarity from mine?  I ask that question for this reason:  Just as with every polarizing war-mongering political leader known to modern history, he seems to awaken to instinctively know how to maneuver his seething troops into following his maniacal lead toward 'divide and conquer' until the day dawns when bullies who follow a bully can't help but awaken to see that the spirit of democracy (which has made our nation stand amongst those that have risen to greatness) has crashed and burned, because rather than being liberated by The Donald, the populous will find themselves ever more enslaved to do a bully's biding than had ever been true before he'd anointed himself despot over all, which is why this certified communications instructor, who facilitates the importance of embracing clarity in home after home, awakens, day after day, with a burning desire to send pertinent trains of thought into cyberspace in hopes of educating and enriching the lives of those who make up the major portion of the bell shaped curve in hopes that future leaders of our great nation are raised to carve a path whereby, sooner rather than later, those who aim to rule by way of encouraging mega-egocentricity will fail miserably to whip up a following of underdogs as easily as has Trump —WHEW!  In fact, I await the day when Trump trumps himself in that we'll relish watching him eating his own words, with one minor change in gender:  Rather than 'Lock her up'—he'll be choking on hearing—Lock him up!—seriously, this megalomaniac (suffering from delusional visions of his own power and importance) is not pure ego, because even the ego has two sides—he's pure id.

Thank goodness, my intuitive powers inspired my thought processor to quest, over my lifetime, toward understanding the primary reason why my think tank has focused, primarily, upon strengthening my connection to personal growth so as to inspire an emotionally matured sense of self awareness to intuit my need to push past societal boundaries (expected of 'lady-like' opinions and passive behaviors) in order to develop an assertive voice, which having worked to shed its defensive shield, has no need to deny my conscious mind from articulating a knowledgable account of my personal experience with self healing from childhood trauma by way of freely (and at times, courageously) engaging in EMDR therapy, which broadens my narrow minded, subjective thought patterns to grow toward identifying my need to explore, employ and embrace objective trains of thought, which strengthen the development of a person's self confident existential voice.

Thank goodness my intuition chose to carve an existential path dedicated to naming and taming the depths of emotional turbulence that classically runs interference with an innocent child's innate potential to develop a well-balanced absorption of self worth during the first five years of life—because when self worth remains subconsciously low so does self respect, and when self respect is low, group think seems like the only way to go (you're with me or against me), giving rise to fearful pleasers or rebellious bullies, whose decision-making process is primarily based in rationalizations, which denies common sense.

Thank goodness my intuitive experimentation with consequences, early on, chose to discipline my three sons youthful misbehaviors with loving kindness, humor, creativity and consistency so as to instill cooperative attitudes within each one so successfully as to inspire my growing sense of self confidence to embrace an expansive view of teaching family communications through story telling so as to have touched the lives of thousands of innocent children whose parents had enrolled in my college classes (taught for more than thirty years) hoping to feel inspired to experiment with success stories (concerning my family) so as to challenge themselves to go home and create a spirit of cooperation that would change parent-child and sibling relationships for the better within their families, as well.

As for now, I continue to hope to see thousands of households expand into millions, the world over, by way of sending post after post into cyberspace thus making sound use of the internet to inspire people to consciously consider the fact that the autocratic attitudes of egocentric dictators, who usurp control over nations throughout our world, are bred in homes where autocratic attitudes, bullying children into submission, is the norm.

I hope to inspire voters in democratic countries to stop feeling utterly confounded as to how best to oust a governmental body, made up of legislators who do little more than scratch their heads search of the key to unlock a door in their brains that will open to usher their intelligence toward carving a path toward national salvation before Trump's hollow hot air balloon, sans compass, pops—leading our great society to crash and burn as was true of despots who'd caused the demise of Rome, suggesting, yet again, that the study of world history is not a subject to be buried in the stacks of long-term memory—history must be conveyed to the forefront of our minds so as to assure us of repeating the portion of our history that created a unified nation of separatist colonies made up of a wide assortment of immigrants, at the start—seriously, if we look back to see that Nero was nuts then that makes me ask—who, in addition to the man in the White House, proves to be nuts if our legislature, elected to represent the bell shaped curve, feels stumped about how to legally oust a megalomaniac like Trump, whose brow-beating rhetoric does nothing more than dumb more sewage into the swamp, day by day?

So, what, you might ask, do I do to tame my own mounting frustration?
Well, first of all, I like millions of Americans, believe my anger is healthy, because, as long as it doesn't make me crazy, suppressed (not repressed) fury serves to fuel the creative side of my intelligence to grab a pen or soapbox and make sound use of my assertive voice to send select portions of my well-educated mind into cyberspace.

Secondly, I create emotional balance by thoroughly enjoying certain aspects of my personal life.

Thirdly, in my spare time (of which I have very little) I stir tar and pluck chickens in readiness to run The Donald as well as ineffective leadership out of D.C.

And so we come to see why you'll not hear me lament my defense system's development of an over-active, empathetic sensitivity to the pain of others, because, over my lifetime (unlike Trump) my intuitive powers have chosen to make 'good' use of altruistic re-activism to coach countless others to ease emotional turbulence in home after home by mustering the courage to know both sides of their nature, and now, I imagine your need to say:  Annie, cut to the chase, already—what's the main insight that today's rhetoric has been attempting to clarify?

As Ravi would say:  Shhhhh—'Nice boice peese'—because common sense suggests my conscious mind being unable to clarify the string of insights which this train of thought has been working to ignite until my intuitive powers sense my readiness to switch on the spotlight that will highlight the first insight, which is bound to spark others—and lo and behold, straighten your thinking caps, because—ready or not, here comes that spotlight:  *Over most of my life, I'd no conscious clue of my intuitive need to grow knowledgeably proactive about identifying and healing shattered portions of my self esteem.  If you ask why depression didn't hit until midlife, I'd clearly reply:
*As long as I'd followed unwritten 'rules' of lady-like conduct tattooed subliminally into my mind by family, friends and society, my subscription to 'group-think' anchored my heart to feeling well loved, suggesting that t'was not until fate stimulated me to feel intuitive need to bend (but not break) those rules, one by one, that my personal boundaries began to expand, stimulating my subconscious fear of abandonment to spring a leak, which freed repressed anxiety to inadvertently scare my conscious awareness half out of my wits every time I'd felt compelled (by a deeply suppressed emotional need that was courageously beginning to unrepress from subconscious storage) to take each next cautious step forward on this newly expansive, adventuresome, personal path, where, little by little, I've come to know (and embrace) both sides of my nature in depth, and here comes the insight, highlighting where I was most blind to myself—

*At first, spiking anxiety was my only conscious clue of the fact that with each rule I'd chosen to stretch, a deeply repressed inner conflict, which remained unnamed, was attempting to surface, and this sense of inner conflict caused me to feel guilty of being bad (rather than different from the perfect, self-righteous person I'd previously aspired to be), and this guilt-ridden sense of confusion was confounding, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that Annie was not a wolf in sheep's clothing or a black sheep.  However, each time this mounting sense of confusion, born of unidentified inner conflict, catalyzed strikes of anxiety, I'd feared loving myself less than had been true when I'd felt securely ensconced within the safe zone of the flock that makes up the bell shaped curve, suggesting, once again, that once a world class pleaser actually begins to grow into a true leader, inner conflict, born of emotional complexity, proves in need of puzzling through for this reason:

*Though I'd thought to love my rule-stretching-self less, reality, concerning personal growth, suggests that I'd actually been losing respect for the defensive blindness that had seen me as an assertive shepherd when in truth I'd remained a follower within the flock ever since my survival instinct had unknowingly abandoned my existential hold on authentic autonomy at the age of three when I'd declared myself unworthy of love unless my thoughts, behaviors, choices and actions lined up perfectly with 'groupthink' ... and once that specific inner conflict (between assertive leader and defensive deny-er) began to surface, unnerving my conscious awareness, I couldn't think clearly for myself or respect myself until my power of intuition, rising to assume its intellectual position of leadership over my think tank, coached my conscious mind to absorb the courage, patience and humility that proves necessary if a person is to work faithfully at gaining insight into identifying deeply ingrained, self inflicted, negatively focused attitudes, which had undeservedly condemned me to feel so reprehensible for 'sins' committed during childhood (when I was as young as Ravi, whose brain absorbs everything she hears and sees but understands very little of emotional complexity, today) as to pay guilty penance over most of my adult life for behaviors that proved natural and thus not reprehensible, at all.  Whew!

*At just shy of three years old, Ravi feels very happy.  Or very sad.  Or very frustrated.  Or very mad.  One thing she does not feel, as of yet, is deeply conflicted about what feels good and what feels bad to her.)  In fact she only feels like 'a bad girl' if adults (uneducated about the effectiveness of consistently disciplining (not to be confused with punished) with loving kindness intact) make her feel ashamed of being true to the well-balanced, eager to learn, self confident, free spirit that—thank goodness—she still is.

At three, Ravi, who knows her own mind, is beginning to sense the difference between freedom of choice and need to comply with rules set in place to create the spirit of cooperation that tames our egos from dominating our personal choices as well as the difference that separates logical consequences from punishments, angrily and autocratically doled out.  As of now, every honest emotion feels natural to Ravi; whereas that changed—but not for the better—for me when I was three, and fate turned my lost sense of emotional security inside out so that upon acting out (catalyzed by confusion and fear), I was chastised by adults whose grief had turned their adoring smiles into perpetual frowns for so many months that a pleaser was born, who'd unconsciously begun to hold her anxious brain accountable for working to exhaustion to heal everyone's pain as if her own repressed pain, emerging as empathy from deep within subconscious storage, had been freed to attack her sense of inner peace, repeatedly, because as a young child, this sweet little girl had unknowingly charged her 'misbehavior' as being guilty of increasing the pain suffered by everyone I'd loved ...

Thankfully, today's intuitive train of thought has led me to understand why my therapist consistently says that my intuitive path toward healing repressed pain has been guiding my intelligence to let go of The Fixer who had actually managed to 'fix' no one's subconscious attitudes but my own for this reason:  *Each adult is accountable for reflecting over portions of self worth, which remain subconsciously stuck in the same shattered state as had been true when trauma, experienced during the early stages of childhood development, caged specific aspects of undeveloped personal growth in an unnaturally 'bad', guilt-ridden place ... quadruple whew!

*Amazing, isn't it, that yesterday I posted my duet with Ravi, belting out LET IT GO!  I mean, was I belting that out with Ravi or subliminally, was adult Annie belting that out with guilt-ridden, three year old Annie, who, like Ravi, was a very good little girl.  Wow!  If there are no coincidences then we've just witnessed my power of intuition asserting its ability to make sound use of creativity to heal myself ever more deeply, as has, thankfully, become my pattern.

It's a 'good' thing that my choice to drive David (who flew in for our holiday) to the airport conflicts with my participation with Ravi's dance class, today, because suddenly, I'm feeling mentally exhausted, which is not a bad thing in fact it's good, because exhaustion suggests I know myself to be in need of a day in which to relax mind, body and spirit as I wholly accept the reality of my advancing age, whereas on the other hand, I continue to marvel at the wondrous workings of a delightful three year old brain that naturally (intuitively) eagerly absorbs everything she sees and hears her role models do and say and feel—and when it comes to my spirit emoting as much joy as is true of Ravi's while we're enjoying our playdates, several times each week, this is one emotionally rebalanced gramma, whose spirit, dancing with joy, honestly feels younger than springtime—

Ravi, absorbing the rule of cooperatively taking turns, says:
Gramma, my turn take 'pic/ter' of you!

DUET: PRINCESS ELSA AND GRAMMA ANNIE

LET IT GO!

The gift of grandchildren inspires
Our minds and spirits to feel younger than springtime while
Our bodies graciously embrace the courageous process of aging

Somehow, Ravi is always the princess or Simba, while
Gramma's hats change ever so happily from bad guy to
Prince Charming to my all-time favorite:
Fairy Godmother
Of course!

SOLO: PRINCESS ELSA ON GUITAR

LET IT GO!

GRAMMA, TAKE MY PICTURE ... PEEEZ ...

Hamming it up ... hard to tell who cherishes our time, together, more, Ravi or her adoring Gramma ...

My guess is—it's a tie—LOL!

1468 1/2 September 23, 2017 MY MIND MARVELS AT CHANGE

I continue to marvel at the surging interest, concerning my trains of thought, emanating from Italy as of recently—thank you, my friends, for welcoming my mind into yours, day after day ...

As to change takes time ... I continue to marvel at the speed with which this ... 

Went to this ...

 To this ...

And this ...

And then, in less time than it takes to blink twice, how did this happen?

(I mean, seriously—wasn't Ravi just born?)

Though time did not fly when I took statistics in college(and minutes felt like hours)

Years sure do fly by when hearts, pulsing naturally with love, are having fun!

1468 COUNTING MY BLESSING AS 2017 CONTINUES TO UNFOLDS

The first two months of 2017 offered my little corner of the world reason to buzz as busily as a bustling beehive while my think tank prepared to welcome extended family and treasured friends with whom Will and I celebrated our 50th anniversary at a gala for 140, hosted by our sons.  And soon after completing home-improvement projects in readiness to welcome 60 guests from out of town to wrap up that magical weekend with Sunday brunch in our home, t'was time for our immediate family to pack up and fly to the coast to enjoy Tony's seventh birthday celebration, and soon after that, we prepared to welcome all of our children and grandchildren, who flew in from the coast, yet again, to celebrate Passover and enjoy a week of spring break in our home (offering all of us reason to enjoy a whirlwind of activities, throughout our southwestern desert state inclusive of a rollicking good time enjoyed at our cabin where beds were blown up to accommodate our increase in number, over these past several years). And that brief synopsis of events, between January and April, serves to exemplify our family's subliminal awareness, concerning the richness of togetherness that we've experienced ever since Will's cancer surgery scared all of us into prioritizing time spent enjoying those we love most as topping our list of values, and if you ask how I know that to be true, I'd reply:  Time and again, actions spoke louder than words.

Though our sons may not be as consciously aware of our communal desire to enjoy each other's company as often as possible, I, who feel officially initiated into this fourth (final) stage of life, believe it's likely that their intuitive intelligence has absorbed the fact that life is fleeting, and my perception is based in this reality:  In the aftermath of Will's cancer surgery followed by 37 treatments of radiation, our family has made the most of every opportunity to enjoy each other's company as often as possible in appreciation of the fact that we're all cavorting healthily on this side of the grass (and coincidentally, not to be confused with morbidity, Will and I chose to update and sign our last wills, powers of attorney and family trust during recent months, as well.  (As mentioned in a previous post, three cousins, all younger than me, passed, this year ... and Will's brother, Jeremy, has sadly been experiencing a rapid decline which, thus far, has mystified the medical community ...)

Following our 50th anniversary gala, I was happily comotose for about a week before the month of March saw us enjoying our grand daughter, Princess Ravi, on a daily basis while her mommy and daddy packed up to move into their spacious new home.  Time spent with Ravi on a daily basis included my participation in her Mommy and Me dance class, and happily, she and I enjoyed that joyous activity every Tuesday until the semester's end.  As their first home was a mere ten minutes drive from our house, I'd held my breath while Celina and Steven researched possible neighborhoods throughout the city before choosing their lovely home, which barring occasional traffic delays, is only fifteen minutes away from our own ... Whew!  Having been spoiled by living so close to each other for fifteen years, we feel blessed that their new home has added only five additional minutes to our drive now that they've settled in.

Late in March, we enjoyed a whirlwind weekend in California celebrating Tony's seventh birthday, and while observing the boundless energy of twenty first-graders bouncing all over an indoor trampoline park to their hearts' delight, my memory (which having little awareness of time passing by) jogged back and forth between Tony. (our seven year old, king for a day) and five year old, balloon man Ray, cavorting happily with their pals and mental images of our three sons leaping from trampoline to trampoline at a birthday parties when they were as young as Tony, Ray and Ravi are, right now, offering my conscious awareness sound reason to question:  How in the world did these past forty years disappear as though magically into thin air?

Once our Passover feast had passed and our Haggadahs, leaping frogs and seder plate were stacked in our holiday cabinet for next year, I enjoyed two days of rest (while Barry's family set off to peer deep into the Grand Canyon) before Will and I packed up in readiness to caravan with the rest of our clan as we drove two hours north toward our cabin retreat in the cool mountain pines, where we hosted our sons' families for the remaining days of Spring Break.

Happily, Tony, Ray and Ravi love being together, and as I'm in love with everyone, my heart rejoices each time I realize that 2017 is proving to provide our family with a series of love-fests ... the only dampers marring my personal definition of idyllic being three fold:  Jeremy's mysterious mental and physical decline; an on-going conflict with extended family that's proved beyond my control from its onset; and news from around the world topped with hearing Trump referred to as Mr President, which turns my ears into trampolines, refusing to absorb that oxy/moron into my noggin - Thank goodness our voting populous is awakening to their mistaken assumption that King Midas has ever cared a fig for anyone other than His Quick To Tarnish Royal Highness -.so with balance in mind I've directed my think tank toward taming my frustrations by stirring the tar and plucking the chickens in readiness for The Donald's royal ride out of D.C., which can't come soon enough for me!

9/22/2017

And now, having bared my heart on sleeve, tis past time to post this train of thought, penned but not published several weeks after our gala in February right before we received the SOS call in May to fly to Santa Fe to witness that which will have proved to be the final stage of Jeremy's rapid decline after which, upon returning to our desert home, I checked into summer classes for two year olds at our dance studio, because Dancing With The Stars had become Princess Ravi's favorite (dance-along) TV show ... suggesting that life tastes a lot more like sweet and sour chicken than we'd consciously like to know, and thus doth common sense suggest nourishing our spirits with the sweet side of life as often as possible so as to inspire our smiles to sparkle naturally from within the very depths of our souls, which yearn to feel immeasurably enriched, and time and again, that deeper truth rings true during this fourth stage of life when long term memory stretches back much farther than whatever is yet to come ....)

 

Will's brother, Jeremy, is seated on the right

1467LLLLLLL MAY YOUR NAME BE INSCRIBED IN THE BOOK OF LIFE ...

Last night, we enjoyed our holiday dinner along with Steven, Celina and Ravi and three generations of cousins at the home of a young cousin, whose children are close to my grand daughter's age, suggesting Ravi's delight while cavorting with playmates, whose company she thoroughly enjoys as can clearly be seen upon eyeing the animation radiating throughout her entire being as soon as her high spirited smile connects with theirs.

This morning, we'll attend services in synagogue, where the rabbi will discuss hopes for change for the better as the future unfolds, and while gazing around the congregation, dressed in their finery to welcome the Jewish New Year into our hearts, I'll wonder, as is true each time our high holidays roll around, how many congregants, reading aloud in unison from our prayer books, are truly considering how they can create change for the better rather than unconsciously giving lip service to words recited as mindlessly this year as proved true during all of the yesteryears preceding 2017 ... and if, upon glancing around the sanctuary, that proves to be my first thought then here is my second:  As I can't challenge any one's mind to embrace personal growth but my own, I'll turn my mental energy away from wondering about the thoughts of others in favor of attending to the task of taking steps towards effecting change for the better within myself, and by refocusing my mental energy on change that I can effect, step by step, my frustration, concerning our imperfect world, will lessen in direct proportion to how much my efforts to effect positive change meet with success, during my lifetime ...

Last night during dinner,  I found myself smiling quietly while listening to others lamenting their boredom during lengthy Hebrew chants, and if you ask:  What inspired that peaceful smile to play about my lips, I’d reply:  I was feeling thankful for housing a brain trained to conscientiously refuel my spirit by wholly embracing moments of heartfelt contemplation in which intuitive trains of deeply meaningful thought filter freely into my conscious mind, conveying changes for the better that I hope to achieve as the coming year unfolds.  And on the heels of that cinscious awareness came this spiritually uplifting train of thought:  After we arrive home from tomorrow's service, Will will fetch David at the airport, and (though we'll all miss Barry's family) I'll happily busy myself with readying our home to welcome family and friends, whose hearts and spirits delight in our tradition of ushering in a sweet New Year by feasting together within the warm, candlelit glow of the circle of love that infuses each spirit with an incandescent sense of personal well being, and with today's intuitive train of thought clearly stating why my heart rejoices each time loved ones gather in celebration of holidays within our home, tis time to set my holiday table to match my festive, technicolored feelings before dressing in my finery in readiness to attend this year's Rosh Hashanah service, which awaits our arrival, directly ahead ..
L'Shana Tovah U'Metukah. May you and your family be blessed in 5778 with good health, happiness and abundance (most especially abundance relating to love and laughter).

1467LLLLLL L'SHANA TOVAH ! 2017

As tonight begins our high holy days
I'd like to wish one and all, near and far
A happy and healthy New Year with
A mindful sense of peace in every heart as each of us
Humbly and openly acknowledges the fact that
Being human suggests embracing our
Vulnerabilities along with our strengths by
Accepting and forgiving our imperfections, which
Our defense systems persistently attempt to blind us from
Identifying by erecting emotional walls that deny
Our conscious awareness from freely embracing
This reality:  Tis self-empowering to love oneself, flaws
And all, as wholly as we love beloved friends and family
So, please go easy on yourself for this reason:
Your generous nature is truly worthy of all the love that you
So humbly receive, and I sincerely hope that you are imagining
Me smiling while I am imagining you reeling in
All of the love that today's simply stated train of intuitive thought is
Clearly conveying across the miles from my heart to yours

1467LLLLL LET'S BE FRIENDS

See photo published at the end of post 1467LLLL as promised ...
In fact, you may choose to review that post, because ...
Insights, concerning the challenge of communicating with clarity, were added ...

1467LLLL WHY IS COMMUNICATING WITH CLARITY SO HARD TO COME BY

Our thought patterns are like habits:  Some healthy, some not.
And if we think of habits as patterns tattooed into
Our brains then we can see why defensive thought patterns
Absorbed during childhood prove very hard to change, and
If you surmise that's not true, because
People change their minds all the time then
I'll smile while this next insight-driven train of thought
Responds to the haste of your reply:
I was not referencing conscious thought patterns but rather
Subconscious patterns of thought, buried so deeply into
The subterranean portion of our minds during youth as to be
Denied as our own even though it's these defensive thought patterns
(Most often based in fear) that influence more of our adult decisions than
We'd like to know is true, and not until we've mustered the courage to
Work at unearthing these unidentified fears is change for the better, concerning
Transforming our defensive patterns of thought, possible ... and
If you ask why that kind of change for the better tends to
Progress at a snail's pace, my reply would be twofold:
First of all, we can't communicate clearly with others until clarity, concerning
Unidentified fears is ours, and secondly, even those who consciously
Choose to quest ever more deeply within find that change takes time, because
Any thought of unearthing childhood fears locked within the dungeon of
Our subconscious alerts your defense system and mine to refortify
Our walls of denial ASAP by way of releasing an
Over-production of adrenaline (as had proved true when
The original childhood experience had terrified us out of our minds)
And since any sensation of those unidentified, mind-blowing fears
Stimulates an over abundance of adrenaline to rush through
Our blood streams, we experience oxygen deprivation, which
Shuts down our logical processing system, freeing
Our brain's basic survival instinct of flight/flight/freeze to usurp
Control over our think tanks, which is why we can't think smart to
Save our own lives or a relationship that means the world to us ... unless
A line of well disciplined self control has consciously been
So well-trained as to have developed an intuitive sense as to when
Brain tension, based in spiking anxiety, proves in need of relaxing in
Record time so as to cut our basic survival instinct off at the pass in favor of
Thinking calmly and astutely on the spot while everyone else's
Thought processors are feeling as though swirling dust devils are
Fogging up anything that might resemble a solution seeking
Train of thought, because once the human brain begins to
Spin with sudden spikes of yesteryear's unresolved anxiety
A person feels too dizzy to put two words together that make any
Solution-seeking sense, at all ... Hmmm ... thank goodness
My processor thought to create The Line of Control, which I chose to
Practice (role model) every day while my sons were growing up, and
With that thought in mind, it's no wonder why I came to see
My think tank as The Fixer ... on the other hand, My Fixer proved
All too human, because not having super-powers, My Fixer wore out ...
However had My Fixer not worn out, I'd not have grown aware of
The fact that members of my family had need to identify their
Subconscious vulnerabilities, because ... I won't be here to
Fix problems, which are not my own, forever ... and in addition to
That insight-driven awareness here comes another:
Once I wore out, my ego came face to face with my subconscious
Vulnerabilities (unidentified fears) concerning mortality and
Emotional abandonment, both of which had been
Secreted from my conscious mind since the age of three, and
As those primary fears had undermined the wealth of communication
Skills, which I'd consciously adopted as my own, my intuitive intelligence
Would not let my peace of mind rest until the intertwined nature of
That duet of fears was exposed to my conscious awareness with clarity intact
And as it's not uncommon for one emotion to entertwine with another
It's easy to see why communicating clearly with oneself as well as with
Others can be quite a mental feat, indeed, and to further complicate
Confusion, not only is it difficult for us to express two or more
Emotions simultaneously but we also must contend with the complex
Emotional reactions on the parts of those who may be listening
With defensive attitudes that are so tuned into their feelings that
Their responses make us feel that no matter what we say
Our feelings have no credibility when compared with theirs
And since this intuitive train of thought felt bound and determined to
Post these insights, while they were pippin' fresh, today
I've no time left to google how to transpose upper case to lower
So that plan, concerning simplifying yesterday's post, will be tabled till
Time permits, because in addition to identifying the emotional
Complexities of our subconscious attitudes, timing is everything ...

As for now, Ravi and I have a play date with a young friend of
Mine and her three year old daughter ... a sweet child, who, as of
Late, only answers to the name of Doc McStuffin's (a cartoon
Character on TV, who fixes broken toys) ... in fact
This identity that Ravi's playmate has adopted has such importance to
Her peace of mind as to have inspired her family, preschool teacher and
Classmates to call her by this name so as to placate whatever inner need
This three year old child is unable to clearly express, and though
 No one can understand why she's made this change, everyone
Who cares about her peace of mind has wisely accepted to
Respect her wishes ... And though 'Doc McStuffins' is
Older than Ravi by several months you'd never guess that to be
True, because she is at one end of the growth spectrum while
Ravi is at the other, exemplifying that the little that we consciously
See on the surface is not all there is know concerning
Who we truly prove to be, deep inside, most especially when confounding
Tragedy terrifies an innocent child's immediate family before she turns three ...
(Photo of playmates will be published here, when time permits)

1467LLL TWO THINGS CONCERNING MY CURRENT STATE OF AWARENESS ...

First of all ... I'm deeply appreciative of Italy's continuing upsurge of attendance

Secondly, I've decided to reprint post 1467LL in small case letters for this reason:
Upon arising this morning, my attempts to absorb insights presented in upper case (expressing my impassioned reaction while penning that string of insights, which may prove to be life changing) actually dizzied my mind ... and since I've come to see my blog's primary focus as conveying the importance of communicating with a balanced sense of clarity intact, I believe my decision to simplify the absorption of yesterday's train of intuitive thought makes good use of common sense.  And though I feel eager to create that simple change for the better, right now, timing won't free my processor to make that improvement until hopefully tomorrow, because, I'm planning to wholly enjoy a play date with Ravi, today.

1467LL IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A LIFE CHANGING INSIGHT EXPLAINS WHY MY BRAIN HAS BEEN OVERWHELMED WITH MULTI-TASKING OVERLONG?

What if, over these past several weeks, my awareness of mental irritation (expressed in the form of episodic spikes of anxiety) is related less to the fact that stories (concerning my choice to discipline my sons with a loving sense of creativity, highlighting humor) persist in backing up inside my head and more to this possibility that's just popped into my conscious mind:  What if my brain's main reason for penning this blog has been inspired, all along, by my intuitive need to delve ever more deeply into my psyche in hopes of emerging with forgotten details of past events, which my defense system thought best to repress within subconscious storage ever since early childhood trauma served to severe my conscious memory from experiences so terrifying as to have silenced my voice whenever anything referencing any portion of those experiences stimulates my anxiety to strike as high as had originally been true?  I mean, what if writing my blog has always been devoted less to relating stories from the past and more to focus my intuitive intelligence to expose reasons that terror continues to cause my voice to catch in my throat and dry up as soon as an unexpected eruption of PTSD hits ... I mean, all we have to do is to reread the very first post that my intuitive voice penned and published, worldwide to see that today's theory is actually deeper truth's creative way to speak to me by fooling my fear into believing that my primary reason for penning one insight-driven post after another is to inspire you to 'know thyself' by diving ever more deeply into your psyche, too.  Ha!  If my defense system is a clever little fellow, in recent years it's been no match for my power of intuition, which proves just as creative if not more!  And having come to see that my defense system and my intuition both act in my best interest in hopes of saving my sanity from feeling crazy each time the world around me spins off of its axis as if going bonkers was as natural to the untrained brain's human condition as breathing in and breathing out ... and so if I see my defense system and intuition reacting like a tag team that takes turns wrestling fear to the mat then by jove - I think I've got it!

IS IT POSSIBLE THAT, OVER THESE PAST SEVERAL WEEKS, MY BRAIN HAS FELT OVERWHELMED WITH INTERMITTENT BOUTS OF ANXIETY IN REACTION TO THE PROBABILITY THAT MY INTUITIVE POWERS HAVE BEEN READYING MY CONSCIOUS AWARENESS TO CONFRONT THE MAIN ROOT OF EVERY MAJOR INNER CONFLICT THAT MY TWO SIDED BRAIN HAS WRESTLED WITH OVER MY LIFETIME.

 AND AT THIS STAGE IN MY PROCESS, IS TODAY'S INTUITIVE STRING IF INSIGHTS CHALLENGING MY SENSE OF READINESS TO CONFRONT AND RESOLVE THE MAGNITUDE OF THIS MOST PRIMAL FEAR, REGARDING DEATH, WHICH HAS BEEN CAUSING MY SENSE OF WELL BEING TO SHAKE IN ITS BOOTS WHILE MY WELL PRACTICED, INTUITIVE CONNECTION TO COURAGE CINTINUES TO ENCOURAGE MY CONSCIOUS AWARENESS TO MOVE CAUTIOUSLY FORWARD, ONE SELF DISCIPLINED STEP AT A TIME, TOWARD FREEING MY CONSCIOUS MIND TO ABSORB INSIGHTS, CONCERNUNG YESTERYEAR'S TERRIFYING LOSSES MORE ASSUREDLY THAN EVER BEFORE?  LET'S SEE IF THIS PORTION OF MY INTUITIVE THEORY REFLECTS DEEPER TRUTH SPEAKING TO ME BY WAY OF REFLECTING THROUGH CREATIVE WRITING ...

EVER SINCE MY GRANDPA'S SUDDEN DEATH WAS  FOLLOWED WEEKS LATER BY JANET'S TERRIFYING DEMISE, A PORTION OF MY BRAIN HAS REMAINED AS TRAMATIZED, PRESENTLY, AS HAD BEEN TRUE WHEN MY HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS FELT FLASH-FROZEN INTO A MINDLESS STATE OF PANIC, BORN OF WITNESSING MY FAMILY'S ANGUISHED EMOTIONAL PAIN (EXACERBATED BY BLAME) BEFORE I'D TURNED THREE, AT WHICH TIME MY DESPERATE NEED TO FEND OFF ANY POSSIBILITY OF DEATH STEALING ANOTHER LOED ONE AWAY STIMULATED MY DEFENSE SYSTEM TO BUILD A MIGHTY WALL OF DENIAL, SEPARATING MY
CONSCIOUS CAREFREE SIDE FROM MY SUBCONSCIOUS, HYPERVILIGANT ATTITUDE OF PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILUTY FOR MY LOVED ONES' CONTINUING WELFARE, WHICH CHALLENGED MY PROCESSOR TO REACH FAR AND AWAY, ABOVE AND BEYOND ANY HUMAN BEING'S CONTROL, AND AS LONG AS THIS UNATTAINABLE GOAL REMAINED SECRETED WITHIN A  DEEP, DARK, SUBCONSCIOUS POCKET OF MY MIND, I'D UNKNOWINGLY GUILTED MYSELF WITH NOT FEELING GOOD ENOUGH TO RELAX IN THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN DEEPLY LOVED FOR COUNTLESS REASONS THAT WILL REMAIN TRUE ONCE I FULLY AGREE TO STOP HOLDING MY PROCESSOR ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE SAFEKEEPING OF EVERYONE I LOVE, AND THUS DOES TODAY'S INTUITIVE DIVE EVER MORE DEEPLY INTO PAST HISTORY, SERVE TO CUT THE CORD, WHICH HAD CONNECTED MY LIFELONG SENSE OF SURVIVOR S GUILT TO FEELINGS, ITCHING WITH PERSONAL FAILURE IF ANY PAIN, WHATSOEVER, DISTRESSED A LOVED ONE ON MY WATCH ... QUADRUPLE WHEW!  THAT'S QUITE AN OVERSIZED PIECE OF HEAVY BAGGAGE TO HAVE LUGGED AROUND INSIDE MY HEAD SINCE THE AGE OF THREE!  IN MY BIRTH FAMILY, ANYONE WHO FAILED TO FALL IN LINE AND  AGREE WITH THE VOICE OF AUTHORITY CHALLENGED A MIGHTY HAIL STORM OF INSULTS THAT SLAMMED LOVES DOOR IN YOUR FACE ... AND THUS, IN THE AFTER ATH OF DOUBLE TRAGEDY, DID  DID MY SELF ASSERTIVE VOICE FEEL NEED TO RETREAT, LEADING TOWARD MY FAILURE TO HEAR MYSELF THINK ALOUD, SO CLEARLY AS TO RISE UP IN MY OWN DEFENSE.  IF YOU'D PUT ME DOWN, I'D FELT SAFEST SAYING NOTHING AT ALL IN HOPES THAT WITH TIME THE FURIES WOULD CALM DOWN AND PEACE WOULD RETURN ON ITS OWN ...

UP UNTIL TODAY, MY OVER-REACTIVE SENSITIVITY, CONCERNING EMPATHY, INTERTWINING WITH SUBCONSCIOUS FEAR. OFFERED MY THINK TANK NO TIME TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN ERUPTIONS OF MY SUBCONSCIOUS PAIN, MY CURRENT PAIN AND THE NEGATIVELY CHARGED EMOTIONALLY REACTIVE PAIN OF OTHERS, AND THOUGH THAT INSIGHT, HIGHLIGHTING EACH EPISODE OF PTSD THAT SHATTERED MY PROCESSOR'S SENSE OF CLARITY, IS NOT NEW TO ME, THIS NEXT INSIGHT IS:  I'D NOT REALIZED, UNTIL TODAY, THAT MY FEAR OF DEATH AND MY NEED TO PLEASE WERE INDIVISIBLY INTERTWINED.  AND ON THE HEELS OF THAT INSIGHT HERE COMES ANOTHER ... MY SPIRIT WEARS OUT, BECAUSE, LOVING AS
MANY PEOPLE AS I DO, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE IN PAIN, WHO FEELS NEED OF AN EMPATHETIC EAR ... AND NOW I FINALLY KNOW WHY I'VE HATED TO HEAR THE RINGTONE SIGNALLING ME TO ANSWER THE PHONE, BECAUSE I'VE OPENED MYSELF TO FEED COUNTLESS GOOD SOULS WHO HUNGER FOR AN UNDERSTANDING EAR  ... IN SHORT, I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW THAT HAVING BRAINSTORMED WITH MYSELF  IN HOPES OF OFFERING ONE LOVED ONE AFTER ANOTHER (EACH OF WHOM HAD EXPERIENCED SOUND REASON TO FEEL DOWN), A COMPASSIONATE STRING OF INSIGHT-DRIVEN REASONS TO THINK THE BEST OF THEMSELVES, EVENTUALLY (DEPENDING ON HOW MANY PEOPLE FELT NEED OF MY STRENGTH, SIMULTANEOUSLY), MY SPIRIT WOULD HANG UP THE PHONE AND FEEL DRAINED DRY OF EVERY LAST DROP OF MENTAL ENERGY NEEDED TO LIVE (and enjoy) MY OWN LIFE FREE OF EXHAUSTING STRIFE THAT WAS NOT MINE TO 'FIX' ... FIX ... AS IN NEED RETIRING THAT PORTION OF THE FIXER WHO HELD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR FIXING BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS THAT WERE NOT MINE!  BUT WHAT IF RETIRING THE FIXER CONDEMNED ME TO LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY LIFE UNLOVED?  AS IN BE THERE FOR ME OR FIND YOURSELF BANISHED FROM THE INNER SANCTUM OF MY HEART ... WOW!

So what, you might ask, catalyzed this particular string of life-changing insights to emerge, today?
Hmmm ...

Written, today:  Sept, 15, 2017
Though this post was originally penned weeks ago, my brain did not feel free to absorb these insights into long-term memory until today, suggesting why repetition is not redundant when the primary goal is retention of life changing perceptions that serve to heighten self awareness in hopes of deepening one's heartfelt connection to self-respectful self worth!

1467L A MOMENTARY FLASH FROM THE PAST AMPLIFIES A PARENT TAPE

Deeper truth suggests that the human spirit, as strong as it is, needs to buoy itself with bursts of courage from time to time.  As time spent in reflection suggests, I've climbed up rungs one and two of my ladder of courage without ascending so high as to dizzy my mind, and with the clarity of today's first insight in mind, my sense of courage feels inspired to fuel my spirit with sound reason to ascend to rung three on this step stool, which oversees my brain's ability to simplify emotional complexity.

If you ask why the human spirit finds itself in need of refueling with courage (as well as with bursts of pure joy), I'll readily reply:  The human spirit, like the mind, has two sides. and with that insight in mind, here cimes a memory, which has just popped into my conscious awareness, exemplifing the ease with which parental over-reaction is empowered to deflate an innocent child's natural, strong spirited connection to self worth (thank goodness today's reflective sense of clarity invokes insight concerning my innate ability to disarm the original sting of my beloved parent's impatient outpouring of negatively focused words, which wielded the power to wound me more deeply than I'd chosen to show, because thoughts of openly confronting authority aroused my anxiety.  And as my parents' generation had never so much as considered taking an immediate time out on the spot to calm an emotion-driven attitude of impatience, insulting misperceptions were frequently voiced before deeper truth had time to shine a spotlight on the bigger picture, which haste had failed to absorb ... hence doth haste distort the truth, whereas a calmed, re-balanced sense of mutual respect can more readily review both sides of any situation before an eruption of emotional conflict can raise its thorny, little head ...

And now, hoping to have whet your appetite for pertinent details, let's approximate my age as somewhere between twelve and fourteen (at which time I'd felt overwhelmed with an on-going bullying situation on a school bus that had pummeled my self esteem to a pulp), when on this specific day that sees me as the sole passenger in the car sitting next to my dad, who's whistling contentedly while steering his two-toned, yellow and bronze, 1955 Chevy Belair down a busy, midwestern thoroughfare as we two are companionably lost in our own thoughts while our vehicle cruises breezily toward a specific destination in the major metropolis that's the city of my birth until Dad, applying the brakes, turns the steering wheel toward a vacant parking spot, which seems to be awaiting our arrival.

Upon parking, Dad opens the driver's door and saunters around the front of the car to my side, curbside, where, upon opening the back door behind me, 'my hero' begins to fill his arms with boxes, holding garments for Goodwill.  Then, breaking the silence, my father angrily exclaims:  "Well—Aren't you even going to get out and help me?"

Dad's unexpected outburst, arousing my sense of inner conflict, catalyzes a sudden spike of anxiety, I mean, here I am, concentrating unconsciously, solely and industriously, mind glued to my homework, only to find my character insulted by a person who is supposed to know how eager I am to be of help in any way!  Now what's up with that!  I mean, if Dad's impatient attitude sees me as inconsiderate, does that mean I AM inconsiderate—or are both he and I blind to the highly complex, inner workings of the human mind?  It's of interest to note that deeper truth suggests that I was utterly unaware of this fact:  Dad's impatience was actually inconsiderate of my feelings ... as though I didn't have feelings at all!

Though my conscious mind rebels silently by thinking NO WAY!  UNFAIR!  I'M NOT INCONSIDERATE!  subconscious fear of any confrontation with authority swallows my voice, and as is commonly true of my submissive pattern, I choose t suppress my ire while apologizing for my lack of awareness, because I have no clue that each time a flash of anxiety suppresses my self-respecting voice along with my anger, concerning Dad's lack of awareness and consequent misjudgment of my inaction, my silent submission unknowingly empowers my father's impatient attitude with the dominance that deflates his doting daughter's sense of self worth, and in the absence of self confident self worth, the human spirit droops as quickly as a pin prick flattens a balloon.  On the way home, Dad, who's good cheer was regained as soon as my arms were filled with garments, asks:  Why so glum, Annie? to which I reply:  I don't know.  Just sick and tired of studying, I guess.  And thus, when skillful communications are nil do both sides falsely presume to know more about what's just taken place, concerning each other's emotional reactions than insight, concerning denial of deeper truths, proves true.

Upon reflection, between the ages of twelve and fourteen, my spirit was often
Sick and tired but not of studying; my spirit was sick and tired of how often
A flash of anxiety unconsciously swallowed my self assertive voice—and as
Fear-based thought patterns, born of childhood's deeply repressed, subconscious
Anxiety (of not ever being good enough to feel consistently loved) are hard to
Identify, much less change—often times, even today, my mind tires and
My spirit deflates until Tim spent in peaceful reflection frees intuitive thoughts to
Fly into my conscious awareness as though out of the blue, and each time
A flash of insight brightens my conscious mind, common sense floats
Serenely out of my mouth (or onto my screen) and as one string of insights
Continues to ignite more, thus does my ever deepening sense of clarity free
My mind from confusing the past with the present, and on that up note
Let's switch tracks toward positively focused reflections, concerning
Personal growth spurts, which, over these past twenty years has seen
My think tank consciously working toward actualizing attitudinal
Changes for the better, resulting in my assertive (mutually respecting)
Voice piping up with greater frequency and clarity due to the fact that
Less inner conflict constricts my throat than had been true to my nature during
The fifty years, which had passed before, and even though that
Change for the better is undeniable true, old patterns of thought die hard
Suggesting why I feel need to grow ever more attentive to those times when
Too many emotional reactions in need of release suddenly refuse to
Remain suppressed inside my head behind my defense system's many layered
Self protective wall of denial, catalyzing a build up of anxious tension, which
Tightens my gray matter into knots offerung us reason why my wealth of
Communication skills can get to feeling utterly jumbled and unorganized
Until my intelligence takes hold of my brain, and I remind myself to
Call forth my line of control in hopes of self soothing my processor on the spot ...

As you may remember, I entertain myself with the newspaper's
Daily horoscope by adopting each one that appeals to me as my own
And lo and behold, here's what today's horoscope (which is actually
Written beneath my sign) has to say:

"As it is with anything, what you pay attention to loves you back.  When you give attention to your deepest feelings, and the subconscious layers of  yourself, too, you start feeling more resoundingly fulfilled."

Over these past twenty years, I've been growing ever more intuitively attentive to pensively establishing 'good' reason to fuel my spirit with the courage that's necessary to voice my self confident sense of self respect, calmly, clearly and responsibly, and here's why that change for the better is mine much more often than not:  The more I come to know both sides of my nature in depth, the less anxious (defensive) I feel at those times when my character is being interrogated in the hot seat, because I choose to draw forth humility to tame my ego from feeling inflamed with indignation much more readily than had been true when subconscious inner conflicts (carried forward as excess baggage ever since childhood duress made mincemeat of my self worth) had daunted my intelligence with puzzling emotional reactiveness that I've come to understand and tame, and having spent these last forty-six years (beginning when Barry was a toddler of two) consciously stuffing my brain full of knowledge, concerning the complex, interconnected, highly diverse functions of the human brain, Ive gained insight into how best to calmly clarify that which my intuitive powers believe may be most effective to say or do at those times when my hard won character traits feel pressured to save my composure from burning to a crisp under direct fire—thus saving my connection to clarity from spinning into a reeling spiral of tightly wound, deeply repressed (or suppressed, as the case may be) emotional complexity that bursts out of our mouths, because tis not enough to pile knowledge into our brains; intelligence suggests the wisdom of soothing an over active mind in a peaceful place until our power of intuitive thought releases insights that steer your ship and mine clear of icebergs that will make mincemeat of all our hard work to remain on course until calm waters appear directly ahead ...

So, though all I had to say was:  Dad, I was lost in my homework—my sudden spike of subconscious anxiety shoved that simple explanation right out of my head, where, having been swept to the curb by by a brisk hot, undisciplined wind, my processor's connection to common sense had shattered into as many disorganized pieces as would a jigsaw puzzle that had been blindly shoved off a table, leaving my self perception with naught but Dad's negatively focused, subconscious mindset, which matched  my own, beginning at the age of three, when my subconscious self assessment had secretly disrespected my human lack of perfection, condemning me as being too bad to deserve love ... for decades—food for thought, right?

(Did I say that the complex thoughts that comprise each of these forgotten posts would be published without editing?  Ha!  Fat chance of that happening with my brain at the helm of my blog—I may no longer disrespect my human imperfections; however that doesn't mean I can sit idly by and clearly watch clarity (concerning my ability to clean up messy trains of thought so as to convey insights from within the inner sanctum of my processor into yours as smoothly as possible) go down the drain and clog up the works, day after day ... LOL!)

1469 13D's IN READINESS FOR THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE AHEAD ...

Before we commence with the kaleidoscopic experience, which lies ahead, please note that upon awakening, this morning, intuitive insights were added to post 1469 12D's in hopes of easing our roller coaster ride through posts (conveying trains of thought concerning—amongst other things—our spirits' need of balancing downs of sadness with ups of bliss), which remained unpublished and unnumbered ... and BTW, my appreciation of the upsurge of Italians, who have recently chosen to follow my blog, was added, as well.

1469 12D's. READY YOUR MIND FOR UNEXPECTED DETOUR ...

When a mind is laboring with current and repressed emotions that prove much more complex than the conscious portion of our think tanks can fathom, we receive hints of combustible mental tension building up, which may not be as obvious to us as may be revealed to others whose focus is so astute as to observe the depths of the mental strain churning inside us each time our mouths open, releasing voice tones that can't hide the stressed state of our minds no matter how valiantly our defense systems work toward attempting to calmly and clearly express our most heartfelt thoughts.

When internal emotional combustion coils up into tightly wound springs of mental pressure, which grows so tense as to disrupt the processor's linear progression of a logical train of thought, our brains feel as if one emotion, spiraling into another, causes more than one train of thought to crash head on until all we have left to work with inside our heads is a swirling sensation of one train wreck barreling down upon another with no engineer to step on the brakes, and as this causes our think tanks to feel anxiously overwhelmed, it's not unusual to lose hold of our equilibrium as if the room is spinning when reality suggests that all of the spinning that requires sitting down in order not to fall down is actually confined inside our heads... and though my line of control has become well practiced to coach my brain to put on the brakes before an adrenaline rush overwhelms my processor's sense of logic-based clarity, there are times when several contrasting emotional reactions roll over each other, simultaneously, so as to dizzy my head too much to restrain one emotion from gaining speed over the next, suggesting emergent inner conflicts, crashing head on  ... for example, yesterday, upon scrolling back through my hard drive's private stash of posts, I was surprised to find unpublished posts mingling, here and there, amongst those which, over these past emotion-filled weeks, had been sent into cyberspace in an orderly fashion, so, feeling befuddled as to what to do with these trains of insight driven thoughts, which I'd thought to have posted but had not, I decided to collect them into a group (which though muddled proves very much interconnected) and send them out to you, unread and unedited, one by one, suggesting that I'll examine the changing state of my mind to myself
P at the same time that you are reading about weeks of rolling emotion-driven reactions for the first time, and as this simple plan stops my analytic mind from dizzying itself trying to figure out how best to present the lot in an orderly fashion, I've decided to detour around my organized nature by imagining any posts that do not have numbers, conveying the order in which they'd been written, as being tossed into a brightly colored hat, which I'll hold high over my head in one hand while with the other I'll reach up to hand pick a post a day. thus winging it by publishing one after another ... haphazardly ... so having readied you to expect a kaleidoscopic view of thoughts that marched out of my subconscious into my conscious mind over these last several turbulent weeks, here comes ... (oh wait ... one more thing ...

 It might help to remind you of the order of events that catalyzed this most recent emotional roller coaster, beginning with our sobering visit with Will's brother, Jeremy before we drove to the west coast where, while vacationing with all of our kids at our timeshare, we received the sad call about Jeremy's passing, so, hearts heavy with loss, we flew to our desert home to pack for Jeremy's funeral, which having been held in the Midwest saw us on another plane the next day, where we (and our sons) were lovingly supported by many members of our extended family and friends along with those whose defense systems persistently struggle with another very sad, on-going situation, which has been beyond their power to control to suit their needs, and thus did they passive-aggressively aim their misdirected frustration at us since their agenda always takes precedence over whatever is taking place in our lives (Note: "a young Bernie Sanders, seeing friends moving 'towards an authoritarian sort of Progressivism', explains, 'They were standing up for a divisive brand of politics that would tolerate no dissent whatsoever.' "

In short, Bernie was suggesting that the truly liberal individual must be sacrificed to the collective ideology of the group, so as long as I disagreed with the groupthink attitude of that portion of my extended family then I, along with anyone who agrees with the neutrality of my emotional stance, must be cast out, because those who capitalize on seeing themselves as the only victims that count will always find a scapegoat upon whom to assign the role of villain, who heartlessly harms those who need to believe themselves most virtuous of all.

After our four day stay in the hotel in the Midwest, we packed again and flew directly to the west coast where we still had several days remaining to spend in our timeshare where our spirits felt heartfully embraced by our sons' families, and together, we all welcomed Jeremy's daughter home when her plane landed on the west coast after her return from the Midwest, where she'd tearfully wished her dad a peaceful sleep, and in the aftermath of that heartfelt family dinner, Will and I packed up at the condo to drive back the following day to our desert abode where Will's mind and mine, concentrating on losses of many kinds (and to differing degrees), absorbed the beginning stages of grieving ever more deeply once we'd felt quietly ensconced within the peaceful ambiance of our home.

So though these past several weeks of deepening saddness have mingled with emotional upheaval, exacerbatung our state of mental, physical and spiritual exhaustion (some of which was due to our need to deflect and suppress mental frustration so as to keep our cool when the long-standing conflict mentioned above pinched at our heartstrings during shiva), our connection to inner balance was not severed for this reason:  We've chosen to remain consciously and appreciatively fully aware of the abundance of heartfelt support that we continue to receive from loved ones on the west coast, in the Midwest and here in the desert, as well ... and now, with thoughts of our cups being much more than half full, here comes the kaleidescoptic collection of intuitive, insight-driven trains of thought penned but not published over these past several weeks ...)

PS
Speaking of spiritual support, I just want to send a note of appreciation to Italy, where, for reasons unknown to me, followers of my blog have been on an upsurge over these past several days ... glad to welcome you aboard!

1469 11D's THE FOUR C's ARE FIVE C's

If Compassion, Common sense, Creativity and Clarity provide us
With Communication skills that often prove to be effective then
The 5C's, listed above, comprise the necessary tools for 
Effective lawmakers to acquire, absorb and employ so as to
Forestall the eruption of power struggles that cause our
Ears to become so deeply mired in emotionally heated quicksand as to
Disconnect intelligence from our think tanks when
Brainstorming proves essential to resolving long standing conflicts

These same 5C's provide us with the tools that prove
Necessary when an autocratic dictator at home feels
Inspired to remodel an attitudinal change for the better by
Working towards morphing into a democratic leader, who
Uunlike Trump (and our congress), aims to employ rules
Comprised of compassionate common sense, suggestive of
Making sound use of intelligence to spell out and
Follow through with natural and logical consequences that
Will simply, clearly and consistently inspire everyone in
The family, regardless of age or rank, to fall into line with
Much less hassle, fuss or passive aggressive, rebellious
Attitudes than had proved true when leadership, wielding
Autocratic, punitive attitudes, had blindly steered a ship
Filled with passengers straight toward icebergs, dead ahead ...

On one hand, rules that discriminate against minors (children
Should be seen but not heard) are as immoral as
Laws that discriminate against minorities ... while

On the other hand, laws that confer superior pensions and
medical plans upon our legislators and their families, which
Remain unavailable to the populous, at large, must be revised if
Democratic values are to be upheld for one and all

241 years after our forefathers stood up against
Taxation without representation, I stand up on
My soapbox to declare that the corrupt practices of
Governing leadership (on the parts of both parties, each of
Which is made up of individuals who'd pledged to vote in
The best interest of their constituents) are
In dire need of a thorough investigative overhaul ...

And when it comes to family life, toppling over with
The heart aching heaviness of stress and strife that
Separates adults and children into divisive camps 
Common sense suggests need to investigate attitudes that
Undermine peaceful co-existence ... because
Children can't be expected to raise themselves to
Grow up to be well-balanced adults when
Their primary role models are consumed with work

As to where effective communication skills come into play
Everyday, at home, at work and in D.C. ... well ... how many of us
Have been taught to talk so people keenly tune in?

How many of us have been taught to listen so astutely that
People feel free to open up about heartfelt hopes and fears?

How many of us have been taught to listen first
So that when it's our turn to talk, our minds can
Clearly take aim to compassionately address
The other guy's unmet needs so that he or she feels
Heard thus relaxing impassioned defensive tensions before
We calmly place our unmet needs on the discussion table, as well?

A skilled level of communications (at home, at work  and worldwide)
Understands the importance of intertwining
Compassion, common sense, creativity and clarity so naturally
As to fortify critical thinking at crucial times when
Unresolved conflicts raise their stubborn, power struggling
Little heads, prolonging attitudes of divisiveness most especially
When something triggers long standing defensive reactions to
Re-emerge, stimulating everyone on both sides to erect
Barriers against discussing differing perspectives with
Common sense and objectivity intact ...  and just as
Closed-minded defensive hopelessness is one choice of attitude ...
Clear-minded hopeful objectivity is another ...

When an emotionally complex, unresolved conflict raised its
Mindswirling head, during shiva after Jeremy's service
I experienced the re-emergence of yesteryear's unsafe sense of
Emotional upheaval, which required the conscious portion of
My think tank to call forth an attitude of
On-the-spot self soothing followed by fortifying my connection to
Patience, over these past couple of weeks while
My think tank worked to tame a defensive uprising of
Heated frustration from reacting like a match stick itching to
Strike back, igniting my think tank to go off half cocked, fighting
Fire with fire instead of calming sudden bursts of combustible
Inflammation by consciously connecting one train of insight-based
Intuitive thought to another until my hot-wired defensive portion of
My brain cooled off ... Whew!  Tough job, but just as I can't control
Subconscious, reactive attitudes in anyone's mind but mine
No one could consciously create today's peacefully rebalanced sense of
Emotionally calmed change for the better inside my head, but me ...

If you ask how I resolved inner conflict before frustration had time to
Burn today's peace of mind to a crisp, well ... I chose to
Remind myself, more than once daily, that as long as
All injured parties (including me) are still on this side of the grass
The power struggling game that certain loved ones have
No conscious clue of subconsciously fueling has
Not yet been lost, and here's why that's true:  Though
The scoreboard suggests that both sides continue to
Gain and lose yardage, as long as the ball's still in play
This game, which most people don't realize their defense systems
Play, is ongoing rather than over until both sides win or
Both sides lose, indicating that the power struggle game is unlike
The game of football, which is gearing up for a new season
Suggesting it's time for your ever-hopeful-eager-to-resolve-
Conflicts friend to push publish, plug iPad into charger and refocus
This Sunday quarterback's mind to pull on her lucky socks and
Cheer her team toward Super Bowl victory, one first down at a time ...