Saturday, October 29, 2016

1407 OFTEN TIMES, THE APPLE DOES NOT KNOW HOW LIKE THE TREE IT PROVES TO BE

Ever since my mom joined my dad, offering me reason to feel
That both of their spirits are finally at peace
Her heart has lived inside of mine, right next to Dad's
As to my parents' voices, both continue to speak of their
Expectations of me, inside my head by way of "parent tapes"

As Dad had been renown for marching to the tune of his own drummer
My father's facial expressions, body language and tone of voice
Had felt utterly free to fully express the entire spectrum of
His emotional reactions as loudly, clearly, spontaneously and
Naturally as whatever he'd truly felt, moment by moment, at his core

Over time, I came to see that veiled behind Mom's socially
Well groomed persona, she'd had need to suppress (or even repress)
The spectrum of 'Socially Unacceptable' emotional reactions, which
In the aftermath of Dad's death, my mother had unknowingly
Unleashed with none except for me, whenever she and I were alone

And not until I'd felt utterly confounded by unexpected changes
For the worse in our friendship did my conscious awareness
Develop need to grow beyond the mask of my persona before
I came to see how many insecurities. which my mother denied
As her own, had been subconsciously absorbed by me ...

Yesterday, my brain resisted penning a new post
And today, I know why that was true ...
My think tank has been busily working to reveal and absorb
Insights! concerning the specific parental tape, found in Post 1404
And if you ask why this sense of mental repetition felt necessary, I'd reply:

Each time my power of intuition draws me toward
Understanding the frequency with which
A good little girl, who'd aimed to please, had
Felt admonished upon hearing - 'Annie, don't feel that way'
I'd felt bad about disappointing my mother's high expectation of me

And since I'd feared provoking my mother's frown since Janet's death
Today's insight-driven train of thought brightens a dark spot inside
My subconscious, concerning the self denigration of my self image:
Each time I'd felt sad or scared or mad, I'd also felt ... BAD, explaining
Why I'd only felt like a good person when my smile was my umbrella

The fact that I'd felt directed to disown (deny) half of
My natural, emotional reactions caused my think tank to
Grow up feeling confoundingly conflicted for this reason:  I'd been
Conditioned to associate natural emotion with guilt, clarifying why
My power of intuition has repeatedly directed me to tunnel subconsciously

Each time intuition has directed my conscious mind to dive
Ever more deeply into my subconscious, I strengthen my resolve to
Actively reprocess deeply repressed attitudes of self condemnation, thus
Inpiring my negatively focused self assessment to freely absorb and
Express the entire spectrum of my natural emotional reactions, over time

And keeping my sights on my goal of being true to myself, here's what
My therapist suggested:  Annie, go home and practice suffering, naturally, in
Good health throughout the week.  Since this 'homework' assignment tickled
My funny bone I'm glad to say that ever since insight highlighted today's
Dark spot of subconscious self degradation, my mind felt freed of untruth

And now that I've pulled this current train of thought (Concerning
A good little girl, who'd felt like a bad little girl whenever
Her smile had felt sound reason to play hide and seek) into
Today's rest station, my mind feels every bit as clearly intact as
My spirit feels freely uplifted, so on this up note, that's a wrap

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