Thursday, December 18, 2014

1219 MY DESCRPTION OF AN IDYLLIC DAY Part 2

2014
Here's an easy question to answer:
Why does that which proves idyllic to me differ for you?
As awakening with plenty of time for writing may not suit your personal needs, that which creates an idyllic day for you is likely to differ from that which satisfies my deepest needs.

BTW, if even one second is spent yearning for something or someone, the idyllic nature of the day is marred ... Uhhh ... wait a second ... on second thought, that may not prove true, as  I did have one reason to feel 'if only'.  Even so, that wistful moment did not mar my blissful sense of inner peace for this reason:  During that wistful moment, no subconscious anxiety arose, because I continued to feel deeply loved.   And now that I've stopped to consider that moment of longing more carefully than before, I understand  why the yearning expressed by my heart did not mar my idyllic state of mind:  Had that wish been granted, my every need would have felt satisfied, and that would have made the day feel perfect in every way, and achieving perfection is not what I was after.

What I was in need of was this:   Feeling loved by everyone I love ... And I did.  I felt loved whether those I love were present or absent;  whether they forgot or not, suggesting that if anyone who loves me did not think to connect with me, my self worth did not feel shadows of being unworthy of that person's attentiveness, as had prove subconsciously true in the past.

It's not as if I hope that everyone who loves me will think to connect on my b/d.  I've always given forgetfulness lots of leeway.  And many who love me are unaware of the day I was born just as I may be unaware of the day they slid into the world.

In years past, my birthday celebration gave rise to shadows of my unidentified fear of unworthiness, creating anxiety, which marred my peace of mind.  As this year, I was aware of the fact that inner conflict, concerning feeling unworthy of attention, did not invade my mind, the pureness of my delight illuminated the warm glow of emotional security that 'cradled' my heart, mind, body and spirit, from within,  as a whole.  In years past, I'd feted others wholeheartedly while feeling somehow guilty when others chose to celebrate ... me ... as though I didn't merit such a display of attentive devotion.

As you may have surmised, I associate 'idyllic' with the 'precious presence' of loved ones rather than a need for expensive presents.  That's not to say that I don't feel deeply appreciative of those times when Will wears an expression of pure delight while surprising me with something that we'd stopped to admire, several months back.  Also, the 'presence' of loved ones does not intimate their physical presence but rather a sense of our emotional connectedness.

If you say:  But Annie, your day was idyllic in every way, I'd remind you that I've known the truth of my good fortune for many years.  What proved different, this year, was what I'd felt ... about my self worth.  As inner conflict did not create a subconscious mental state of catch 22 while I was feted by family and friends, nothing marred my peace of mind, and when next we meet, I'll do my best to describe why this year's birthday felt idyllic when that had not proved true beginning when I was twenty-one.

Rather than asking you to backtrack, I've decided to copy a paragraph to which insight was added while editing, yesterday's post:

If you feel curious as to why Monday, December 8, 2014 continued to feel idyllic, though not perfect in every way, let me clue you in as to how that awareness clarified for me:  The general manager of my 'department store' called a meeting, and when every staff member, who contributes to my sense of conscious awareness, was 'present', all of me felt grateful to find myself the recipient of 'the precious present' for these two reasons:  Everyone I love feels healthy.  And everyone I love, loves me!  I mean seriously—what could feel more idyllic to peace of mind than floating through each moment of the day with an attitude as positively simplified as that!  I mean, everyone I love may not have felt happy, that day, but ups and downs are to be expected in every life, right?

I guess it's safe to say that, presently, my idyllic day embraces realististic expectations more peacefully than ever before.  Perhaps that mind shift results when a person's brain actually accepts this fact as sad but true:  Most of what's wrong with the world is beyond my control.  Once that fact has been throughly absorbed, my knowledge of division of labor frees my mind of worrying over that which I cannot improve in favor of setting my sights wholly upon that which is within my reach, and each time my mind wraps around that train of thought, resentment and anxiety lessen, offering my overactive mind much needed downtime to ... float ... until energy expended on mustering courage to overcome many adverse situations, disappointments and subconscious fears, over these past two years, feels restored.

No comments:

Post a Comment