2014
Though Monday, December 8th, proved idyllic in many ways:
Intuition has been coaching me to place my desire to write about
That experience on hold until my think tank has had time to
Process several emotional reactions, which
Offered my heart reason to enjoy a day of pure delight—
In fact, I believe Monday's experience proved so heartening as to
Provide me with the readiness necessary to release
A newly re-balanced view of memories, concerning high school
Please make no mistake … it's not as if all of my high school memories
Are so dark as to instruct my defense system to block
My conscious mind from writing anything about those four years—
In fact, having gained insight into the ways that our defense systems are
Preprogrammed, I believe my think tank has not received clearance to
Relate high school stories for this reason:
Our defense systems are programmed to transfer
The overwhelming nature of terrifying emotional reactions from
Conscious memory into subconscious storage, thereby protecting
Our sense of sanity from succumbing to spikes of fear or despair, and
As long as my terrified reactions remain stored in
A dark, subconscious (iunprocessed) state, a haunting sense of anxiety
Will continue to block me from writing anything that
Might close in on any topic that's remotely associated with
The dreaded 'secret', which my defense system stuffed into
Unconscious memory beginning during childhood straight through
To my senior year in high school
As of late, intuition suggests that at
Sometime during high school that unconscious memory had reason to
Grow so unbearable as to cause me to itch to
Get out of my skin, and conscious memory suggests
That whatever I can't remember ... As of yet ...
Forbade me from stop sleeping peacefully, night after night
If you think to ask:
If that's true then why did that haunting sense of anxiety not slam the door shut on
Your think tank's freedom to write stories, concerning junior high and
High school, several years back?
I'd reply:
Here's what changed between then and now:
Several years ago, the defensive wall, which
Blocked my conscious mind from 'remembering'
Terrifying reactions stuffed into my subconscious, proved many layers thick
In recent years, the gentle nature of EMDR therapy has enabled me to
Work, step by step, at successfully thinning out
So many of those self protective layers that
My personal sense of vulnerability feels as exposed to
Those raw (unprocessed) emotional reactions, today, as
Had been true when the original experience had catalyzed
Terror to spike so high as to compel my youthful defense system to
Create an amnesiac reaction, thus blocking
Every horrifying detail, associated with
That cumulative experience from
My thought processor's conscious awareness—
In short—my conscious mind took a hike, suggesting my having had
An out of body experience each time Jeckle transformed into Hyde …
If you ask how my body participated in these experiences while
My conscious mind was absent, I'd reply:
My defense system called upon denial to shift
Every horrifying detail of those experiences from
Conscious awareness into subconscious storage, leaving
My conscious mind free to remember only those portions of
That time period, which felt safe and normal, and
That's why I can remember what happened before
The horror began and after it ended, while my defense system
Denies (blocks, forgets, blinds me to) every moment of
Terrifying craziness to which I'd fallen prey, repeatedly ...
Suggesting that my relationship with the pedophile
Continued to feel normal and sane, as long as
My defensive wall remained many layers thick
As to my inability to write about high school during
These past two years
All I know, so far, is this:
The 'secret' began some time before Joseph's utterly unexpected
Impassioned pre-teenaged kiss caught me unaware so—
When he caught me to him, roughly
A spike of subconscious anxiety caused
My defense system to react as though
My very life depended upon fighting him off of me!
Since I had no conscious clue as to why
I'd felt such an overwhelming need to push Joseph away
It was impossible to explain my reaction to either of us—until
Decades later, when a psychologist, asked me to
Describe my first kiss, and after listening intently to
My story, he responded with:
Annie—you need to learn why you fought off a boy, who'd proved to be
Your first love, with such force as to make him feel
So rejected that none of your affection could penetrate
The self-protective wall that his defense system erected after
You'd beaten him around his head …
Whew! Are you coming to see how complex
Emotional reactions prove to be until
Strings of insights, which emerge from subconscious memory
One by one, link together while I write?
Can you sense my power of intuition coaching
My conscious mind to gain the courage necessary to
Strip another layer of defensiveness away in order to
Free my think tank to process each
Painful piece of information that relates to
The dreaded secret, suggesting my readiness to
Dive ever more deeply into subconscious memory—day by day?
Can you see that each time my adult sense of readiness musters
The courage necessary to unlock an old mindset, which
Fear had slammed shut when I was a child
My thought processor feels free to reconsider
An expanded view of choices, which
My haunted sense of anxiety had deemed off limits, before?
Can you see that in the absence of insight into subconscious fear—
Lumbering around in the dark side of my mind—decisions, which
D emand an ever deepening sense of emotional maturity, remain delayed?
If you think today's description, concerning that which
Takes place inside my brain each time
Subconscious anxiety filters into my conscious mind, has been
Easy to express in writing, Please think again!
My chest is heaving; my heart is racing and
I feel a huge lump of revived anxiety tightening my throat …
If you ask why none of those reactions were re-activated, seventeen years ago, when
My conscious memory wrote the original version of First Kiss—I'll repeat:
Many layers of my wall of denial, which protected my conscious mind from
'Remembering' even one detail of the insanity that I'd suffered when
My body was manhandled by an 'unidentified' predator have thinned out
Therefore, while writing the original version of First Kiss
Defensive amnesia had created a mindset that offered me
Not one hint of the 'horrendous secret' that I'd kept under lock and key before
My subconcious reaction pushed Joseph away, at which time
My defense system felt reason to release a spike of anxiety, which
Neither he nor I could understand—however—
Now that my self protective wall has thinned out—
My defense system stands ready to alert me to the fact that
My courage had better remain steady as one detail after another filters
Into my conscious mind, if not today then tomorrow!
And each time my defense system alerts me by releasing
An unidentified spike of anxiety, thank goodness, intuition guides me to
Tame my fear of the past in order that
Subconscious reactiveness does not usurp control over my conscious mind—
Each time you watch me become aware of
Fear pushing a personal goal beyond my reach
You'll see my think tank call upon my line of control to
Set its focus on brainstorming until
My thought processor functions so well as to
Achieve positively focused goals, which prove heartfelt, at last—
For example, my positively focused attitude is
Determined to conquer fear until
This 'secret' has been exorcised from my mind
On Tuesday morning, appointments left me with no time to write.
Later that afternoon, I engaged in a session of EMDR, which
Must have stimulated a subconscious sense of readiness to
Reveal another detail, because that night
I dreamt about an experience that heighlighted
Another puzzle piece concerning the mysterious secret, which
My conscious memory has been unable to recall
Though this dream proved scary
It offered me insight into why
I've been unable to write high school stories
Over these last few years, and when I describe
This dream in a post, you'll see why any thought of
Revealing details about my dating life, during
Those four years, feels associated with
Revealing details, concerning that secret, suggesting that
A fearful sense of close-minded resistance
Locked up my sense of readiness to explore any
Portion of my high school years—until
An emergence of personal strengths stripped away
Another layer of my defensive wall—this week ☺️
If you ask what may have caused such a positive change, I'll reply:
I believe that while engaging yesterday's session of EMDR
A growing sense of self confidence mustered
The courage necessary to release a scary detail, which
Had been locked in deep storage within
My subconscious until that detail dreamed its way into
My conscious awareness while I slept, last night …
When I relate this dream to you and connect it to
The series of demeaning social encounters described in
Bully for Me and First Kiss, your understanding of
My misperceived belief—which
Deemed me unworthy of love unless
I proved myself constantly perfect in
Every way—may deepen immeasurably
Then, if I explain the reasons why
My experience on Sunday felt idyllic
I believe you'll come to see how
Three separate trains of thought, which
Comprise today's post, prove interrelated …
And as that's all the time I have for writing before
One of my book clubs convenes, this afternoon
I wonder what tomorrow's post will reveal:
The unsettling nature of that dream?
My idyllic experience on Sunday?
Yet another high school vignette?
Or a train of thought that seems totally unrelated?
Having opened all of these windows ...
Your guess is as good as mine ...
Uh ... Need I suggest that while rereading
My last post, my memory bank revealed
Additional details, which have been included in Monday's storyline …
..
No comments:
Post a Comment