1228 RINGING IN THE NEW YEAR!

2014

So much I want to write!

So little free time!

Family love fest still going strong!

Cheeks still aching, smiling with gladness!

Taking a nap in readiness to

Ring in the New Year with family and friends

Wishing you peace and good will as
2014 rolls right into 2015 and
We celebrate the 'precious present' by offering each other
Bright smiles, warm hugs and change for the better

Your joyous friend

Gramma Annie :)

1227 TOY CATALOGUES R HEAVEN SENT! Part 2

I've found that plans that work, sucessfully, depend upon
Smplicity, creativity and  consistency
Why do these plans develop within my head each time
A problem, which proves on-going, is seriously in need of solving?
Because otherwise, the problem remains on-going
And as things get better or worse but don't stay the same
That suggests on-going problems worsen, over time
I believe many people believe that when problems arise
Someone must be in need of punishing; must feel guilty of wrong doing :(
I believe that solutions to on-going problems require leadership to
Dive ever more deeply into the intuitive portion of the brain where
Insightful thoughtfulness, concerning human nature, awaits discovery :)
Once I became a parent (leader)  of children
My think tank came up with (and made good use of)
Simple plans, based in intuitive thought, which inspired my children
(And adults with open minds) to
Organize their think tanks in such a well balanced, self disciplined fashion
So as to join hands while we brainstormed together to accomplish
Heartfelt goals by weaving a sense of positively focused
Communal harmony into every solution-seeking plan, which
Considered needs, all around
For example, ultimately, the Catalogue Plan taught children that
Gifts were received, graciously, rather than greedily, and
Soon you shall witness how intuitive thought processing on
The part of leadership inspired three young minds to
Achieve that goal, though none but the leader had a clue that
In addition to experiencing pure pleasure, learning was taking place :)
(Another plan, which taught children to give, generously, will appear once
My description of the catalogue plan is complete :)
In order to implement the catalogue plan, leadership had need to 'acquire'
These solution seeking tools:
Positive focus
Simplicity of thought
Creative inventiveness
A childlike sense of wonderment
Patience
Good humor
Farsightedness
Clear cut short range goals, leading toward long range goals
Three hefty toy catalogues
Black, blue, green and red markers, times three
Three children

If you are curious as to how our catalogue tradition got started and
Why four colored markers, and which
Lessons were absorbed from this activity ...
All I have time left to say for today is this:
Problems are the mothers of inventiveness
Rules are necessary while on-going problems process toward solution
Rules are followed when
Leadership follows through with consequences based in
Common sense,, consistently
As for now, we're about to stop at the market to get fixings
For my special spicy spaghetti sauce, pasta and salad before
Picking up Uncle Barry, who's flying in to meet his very first
Niece who, within a blink of the eye, is one month old
And as David, who is totally smitten with Ravi, is
Still with us, we're all looking forward to enjoying
A family love-in with Steven, Marie and Ravi beginning at noon!
If you choose to stay tuned, here's my plan:
Once I have time to write at my leisure
I'll outline the rules, necessary for all to enjoy catalogue delight
I'll explain the reason for four separate sessions with markers
And I'll fill you in on the problem that caused me to invent
A sanity-saving plan so simple as to
Consider each person's every desire while
Teaching the concepts of self discipline and gratitude, thus
Culminating in peace of mind at every age, all around 😊
(And this plan, which satisfied our needs, is only one of many to come)😊

1226 TOY CATALOGUES R HEAVEN SENT! Part 1

1981
it is sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving.  Picture Barry (12), Steven (10) and David (5) sitting at our round kitchen table, each holding a pen with black ink. All three wiggle with anticipation until the teacher-in-me sits down and passes around three Sears-Roebuck Toy Catalogues, each of which is as hefty as a phone book, and every page seems heaven sent to my three sons, because each is about to express wishes for everything that a child's heart could possibly desire without so much as a lick of guilt to trouble their minds!  As this has become an annual tradition in our home, each knows full well that he is on the cusp of experiencing pure joy!  I mean feeling sanctioned to experience unlimited greed free of guilt is rare, indeed!  And as not one child had a clue as to the slew of lessons that this annual tradition drummed into three open, young minds, year after year, their attentiveness to leadership made my spirit cartwheel with joy, as well.  I mean, seriously, the most absorptive learning takes place while young minds are receptive to having fun.

All four of us enjoyed this tradition, year in and year out, for this reason:
Page by page, the boys got to circle every toy that each young mind felt free to covet without a lick of guilt marring pure delight.

They also enjoyed discussing their choices with each other, at length
And for a short while, they felt as though their mother was empowered
To send all three straight to heaven
And here's why those hefty catalogues, which
I'd stopped at Sears to pick up, seemed heaven-sent to me, too:
I knew this yearly tradition, which
Delighted my three, wild and crazy guys, would offer
A busy working mom, raising three active kids
At least an hour of peace and quiet (several times) for this reason:
The boys knew that I'd follow through with consequences if
Anyone chose to disrespect any of the rules, which
They would recite to me before each catalogue was opened
 In fact, at the first sign of unruly behavior, leadership would
Whisk these coveted catalogues away until another day, and
Though three children felt eager to discuss their choices with me
All discussion was reserved for each other until
Such time as I decided the time was ripe to sit down and
Listen to responsible decisions that
They'd helped each other to make, and as
The catalogues came out of the cupboard four times
Before I'd discuss their choices and then
Begin to buy and hide Chanukah treasures around the house
We'd experience this comunal sense of delight, again and again
And throughout each session of this creative endeavor
It was clear to all that Mom was the leader ...
On the other hand, each child was allowed to caution his brothers
To remember that leadership would bring an early end to
That day's session of catalogue delight for all if
Any rule was broken by one, and
As they knew me to follow through
Their catalogues had been whisked away only once 
Needless to say, each child felt free to stop circling toys on
Page after page whenever he liked; however, generally
All three remained verbally engaged with each other's choices until
Leadership had need to set the timer for
Five minutes more before redirecting the peanut gallery to
Ready themselves for homework or a practice or
Dinner or bed ...
BTW, if a rule had been broken and if leadership had failed to
Follow through with the designated consequence of
Closing up shop, right there and then ...
Then frustration would have replaced communal delight, causing
The simplicity of the plan to fall apart ...
And as none wanted to cut short each trip to heaven
Everyone remained attuned to each rule, meaning that
*No one could ask when the catalogues would be placed on
The kitchen table ...
*If any begging or whining took place
No catalogue would be seen on that day
*Though the boys were busting to discuss
Their many choices with me, they quickly learned to
Develop the patience and self disciplined mindset necessary to
Divert their verbal interaction to their brothers until
Leadership decided that readiness to listen felt ripe for Mom
And as the boys had no clue which day
Leadership (in need of peace and quiet) would place
The catalogues on the kitchen table, again (with blue pens)
This band of brothers (anticipating
Future sessions of delight), chose to respect
Every rule including the rule of not begging leadership to
Engage in discussion until four catalogue sessions, each of which
Made use of different colors of ink, led to
The final session of heaven sent delight when
Leadership determined that it was time to sit down and
Listen to each child impart the wisdom that
Three well-groomed, young brains had ascertained while
This trio of Mouseketeers learned to work, together, as
A well-organized, mutually supportive
Self disciplined, wholly delightful band of
Not so wild and crazy, yet always high spirited brothers
And if you'd like to know what they did with
The blue pens, the green pens and the red pens before leadership
Sat down to listen to their decisions, please Stay tuned☺️

1225 THE TRUE MEANING OF THE HOLIDAYS AND THE MELTING POT …

I'd like to share two trains of thoughts, concerning the holidays:
First of all …
The USA has been known as a melting pot for more than two hundred years
However, we've actually been a boiling pot, due to prejudice
Fairly  recently, with insight into positive focus
My mindset had reason to expand when
I was offered a first hand view of
Change, processing toward better times on a global scope, and
Before you tell me I must be crazy, please hear me out:
Though every religion preaches brotherhood, thus
Teaching children to love thy neighbor
Our belief systems have divided us into separate camps, and
If you ask what makes me say that, I'll reply with this example:
As soon as each child grows old enough to fall in love
Every religion preaches 'stick to your own'—and
When that which we teach does not match that which we preach
Is it any wonder why life feels more confounding than clear?
More puzzling than easy to figure out?
Over these past couple of decades, I've watched intermarriage
Plant seeds of interconnectedness in home after home where
Step by step ... roots are becoming so heartfully intertwined that
As the progeny of each succeeding generation grows up and takes wing
We can watch the boiling pot transform naturally into
A melting pot, where differences (which for thousands of years had
Caused barbaric wars) are beginning to blend in homes where
Children are raised by role models, who have literally embraced
The value of 'love thy neighbor' in a manner that
Makes good use of common sense
And once insight spotlights a farsighted view of
Parents, whose choices simplify complexity by
Creating 'the perfect present' within the privacy of their homes
I believe that a farsighted view of our descendants will showcase
The youth of future generations inching forward on
The historical time line as the intuitive nature of
Man/kind and woman/kind continue to embrace
A spirit of childlike wonder in hopes of
'Getting' back to basics in home after home in town after town
In nation after nation ... And while
The resilience of the universal spirit works patiently
Decade upon decade to create Peace on Earth
The time will come when world leadership is made up of
Realists, who will teach their flocks that inner peace depends upon
Being the kind of role model, who
Educates children to practice a rebalanced view of
Giving and getting so that rather than
'Getting' rich at the expense of others
The minds, hearts and spirits of the 'moral' majority will actually
Feel interconnected, mutually valued and deeply enriched by
Breathing life into the 'blendship' of friendship on a global scope
77 Nations and counting☺️

Now,  having tracked that train of thought
Let's couple my second train of thought up with the first:
Though the holidays are meant to inspire attitudes based in giving and gratitude
 I can't help but wonder why adults, who choose to
Give so much to their children—year after year—seem surprised when
Young minds imprint with attitudes of immediate gratification
Based in—getting bigger, better, more—right now!

It should come as no surprise that
Stories, describing three Mousekateers practicing brotherhood
While absorbing the spirit of giving, are sure to come alive

BTW, Ravi's first Chanukah gift from Gramma and Granpa was
Our family's favorite book, written for children (and adults)
Fifty years ago by Shel Silverstein
THE GIVING TREE

Next, let's address the true meaning of the holidays via wikipedia ...
The true meaning of Chanukah:

Chanukkah or Ḥanukkah, known as the Festival of Lights, Feast of Dedication, is an eight-day Jewish holiday commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple (the Second Temple) in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt against the Seleucid Empire of the 2nd century BCE. Hanukkah is observed for eight nights and days, starting on the 25th day of Kislev according to the Hebrew calendar, which may occur at any time from late November to late December in the Gregorian calendar.

The festival is observed by the kindling of the lights of a unique candelabrum, the nine-branched menorah or hanukiah, one additional light on each night of the holiday, progressing to eight on the final night.  (Why eight days?  Because after the lengthy battle had been won, there was only enough holy oil for the eternal light in the temple to last for one more night, and a trip of eight days was necessary to travel back and forth from wherever the holy oil was produced.)  The Chanukah miracle: A flask with one night's oil burned for 8 nights. Therefore, the Chanukah menorah consists of eight branches with an additional visually distinct branch. The extra light is called a shamash (Hebrew: שמש‎, "attendant")^[1] and is given a distinct location, usually above or below the rest. The purpose of the shamash is to have a light available for practical use, as using the Hanukkah lights themselves for purposes other than meditating upon Hanukkah is forbidden.^[2]  Other Hanukkah festivities include playing dreidel and eating oil based foods such as doughnuts and latkes. (After lighting candles while reciting prayers, it is customary in my family to rejoice, by joining hands as we dance and sing holiday songs from room to room, throughout our house, thus igniting our spirits' joy in togetherness.  In the truest sense, Chanukah is not considered a high holy day.  The prominance of Chanukah [and eight days of gifts] is influenced by its proximity to Christmas.)

The true meaning of Christmas via wikipedia:
The "true meaning of Christmas" is a phrase with a long history in American pop culture. It first appears in the mid-19th century, and is often given vaguely religious overtones, suggesting that the "true meaning of Christmas" is the celebration of the Nativity of Christ. But in pop culture usage, overt religious references are mostly avoided, and the "true meaning" is taken to be a sort of introspective and benevolent attitude as opposed to the commercialization of Christmas which has been lamented since at least the 1850s. The poem A Visit From St. Nicholas (1822) helped popularize the tradition of exchanging gifts, and seasonal Christmas shopping began to assume economic importance. Harriet Beecher Stowe criticizes the commercialization of Christmas in her story "Christmas; or, the Good Fairy".^[1]

The true meaning of Ramadan via wekipedia:

Ramadan (also known as Ramadhan or Ramzan) is the ninth month in the Islamic calendar. It is a period of prayer, fasting, charity-giving and self-accountability for Muslims in the United States. The first verses of the Koran (Qu'ran) were revealed to the Prophet Muhammad (also written as
 Mohammad or Muhammed) during the last third of Ramadan, making this an especially holy period.

Whichever holiday(s) you choose to celebrate
Hopefully your spirit enjoys creating and partaking in joyful traditions
With treasured family and cherished friends

OUR FAMILY MELTING POT☺️

David, Barry and Steven … being their high spirited selves

Celina's free spiri

Steven, Celina and Ravi's first Chanukah party at the home of dear friends

Barry, Marie, Tony, Ray and Santa

Ravi's first Christmas Eve party with Gramma Annie at the home of dear friends

 PS  If you've been wondering why photos of Will have been absent—thus far …

That will change as soon as the story of his childhood pops up on your screen :)

1224 TIME FLIES WHEN ATTITUDES CONNECT WITH CUPS HALF FULL :)

1977

Ain't life grand!

1982

"Of course, I'm carrying him … he's my brother!"

(Mickey Rooney in Boys' Town)

2011

Though generally speaking, life is serious business ...

A resilent sense of heartfelt connection offers each spirit reason to express

The pure joy that every love fest provides for one and all☺️

1223 INSIGHT INTO ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL! ☺️

2014
Though three 'precious presents' grew to be strong, loving, successful men
Not one has lost the childlike sense of fun, whimsy and wonder that
Keeps the human spirit young
And if you ask how is it possible that not one has lost his childlike sense of fun
I'd surmise:
While growing up …
Each was seen to be (and felt loved as) a unique and deeply valued individual
Each learned to rejoice with family in good times and
Each learned to react respectfully connected in trying times for this reason:
Divided we prove strong enough to survive; however, together, our spirits thrive
While growing up, each watched their parents play as hard as we worked
While growing up, each felt disciplined in such creative ways as to
Inspire depth of thought concerning mutual respect rather than resentful rebellion
And over time, as three Mouseketeers developed into Musketeers who learned to
Whistle (a positively focused tune) while they worked
All three came to value and respect each other's strengths and accomplishments
And thus do I surmise that the absorptive powers of
Positivity combined with creative methods of self control
Transformed three wild and crazy guys into today's trio of fast friends ☺️

1977

Please make no mistake

While growing up, these 'precious presents'

Also fought as hard as they played, so

Stories, concerning my need to conjure up creative consequences

In hopes of transforming three, wild and crazy, little guys into fast friends will

Pop up on your screen some time down the road ...

Gosh!  With so many memorable moments churning through my mind …

Choice and patience prove necessary each time I sit down to write!☺️

1982

"Of course, I'm carrying him … he's my brother!"

(Mickey Rooney in Boys' Town)

1222. AIN'T LIFE GRAND! ☺️

2014

Though life is made of fleeting moments

Thank goodness, memory has no concept of time

For example, this morning, upon awakening from a peaceful night's sleep

I wondered how it could be that within a blink of the eye

These three 'precious presents' had grown to be

A trio of strong, loving men!

1977

1221 THE PRECIOUS PRESENT☺️

2014

Ravi, personifying the precious 'present'☺️

Ravi, at three weeks old

Personifying the power of

Love at first sight ☺️

1220 HAPPY HOLIDAYS!☺️

2014
To all my friends around the world
I wish you holiday cheer!
Over these past three weeks since Ravi's birth
I have no clue where the hours of each day have flown ...
All I can say for certain is this:
My cheeks hurt from smiling so much!
So great is the power of love at first sight!
Yesterday, Steven stopped over for ... four hours
So Gramma and Ravi could play☺️
And while my son set up his computer at our kitchen table
And proceeded to catch up on some lawyering work
I swaddled Ravi in a light weight, white blanket covered with
Pink rosebuds that resemble her sweet lips, and
With this precious, brand new love cradled in my arms
She and I swung on my patio swing, just as
I'd swung, countless times, with my arm around my mom
And while swinging, I showed Ravi my mountain, reaching
Up to the clear, blue sky where both sets of
Her Great-Grammas and Great-grampas
Beamed smiles of love, which
Shone down upon us, warming our hearts, from above
Then my niece and nephew stopped by to
Borrow my car, and together with Will, all six of us
Enjoyed such a love fest that you can imagine why
My cheeks feel a need to relax ... though
I do not anticipate that happening any time soon☺️
Actually, within the hour, we leave for the airport to
Welcome David and his 'Little Brother' of
The past five years, Brett
(Big Sisters Big Brothers)
When Brett, who is now fifteen and taller and broader than
All of my guys, makes grades
David flies him to our fair city and treats his
Little(?) brother to a professional football game with
All of us ... So fun and tailgating with
Dear friends lie directly ahead ...
David plans to stay for a week; then Barry arrives …
So if you don't hear from me, daily, you'll know that
While my head is swirling with family fun and
My heart is smiling from ear to ear
My mind may not find time to write at length until
We've all rung in a happy, healthy New Year!
Warmest holiday hugs to one and all!
Your blissful, though life remains imperfect, friend,
Annie

1219 MY DESCRPTION OF AN IDYLLIC DAY Part 2

2014
Here's an easy question to answer:
Why does that which proves idyllic to me differ for you?
As awakening with plenty of time for writing may not suit your personal needs, that which creates an idyllic day for you is likely to differ from that which satisfies my deepest needs.

BTW, if even one second is spent yearning for something or someone, the idyllic nature of the day is marred ... Uhhh ... wait a second ... on second thought, that may not prove true, as  I did have one reason to feel 'if only'.  Even so, that wistful moment did not mar my blissful sense of inner peace for this reason:  During that wistful moment, no subconscious anxiety arose, because I continued to feel deeply loved.   And now that I've stopped to consider that moment of longing more carefully than before, I understand  why the yearning expressed by my heart did not mar my idyllic state of mind:  Had that wish been granted, my every need would have felt satisfied, and that would have made the day feel perfect in every way, and achieving perfection is not what I was after.

What I was in need of was this:   Feeling loved by everyone I love ... And I did.  I felt loved whether those I love were present or absent;  whether they forgot or not, suggesting that if anyone who loves me did not think to connect with me, my self worth did not feel shadows of being unworthy of that person's attentiveness, as had prove subconsciously true in the past.

It's not as if I hope that everyone who loves me will think to connect on my b/d.  I've always given forgetfulness lots of leeway.  And many who love me are unaware of the day I was born just as I may be unaware of the day they slid into the world.

In years past, my birthday celebration gave rise to shadows of my unidentified fear of unworthiness, creating anxiety, which marred my peace of mind.  As this year, I was aware of the fact that inner conflict, concerning feeling unworthy of attention, did not invade my mind, the pureness of my delight illuminated the warm glow of emotional security that 'cradled' my heart, mind, body and spirit, from within,  as a whole.  In years past, I'd feted others wholeheartedly while feeling somehow guilty when others chose to celebrate ... me ... as though I didn't merit such a display of attentive devotion.

As you may have surmised, I associate 'idyllic' with the 'precious presence' of loved ones rather than a need for expensive presents.  That's not to say that I don't feel deeply appreciative of those times when Will wears an expression of pure delight while surprising me with something that we'd stopped to admire, several months back.  Also, the 'presence' of loved ones does not intimate their physical presence but rather a sense of our emotional connectedness.

If you say:  But Annie, your day was idyllic in every way, I'd remind you that I've known the truth of my good fortune for many years.  What proved different, this year, was what I'd felt ... about my self worth.  As inner conflict did not create a subconscious mental state of catch 22 while I was feted by family and friends, nothing marred my peace of mind, and when next we meet, I'll do my best to describe why this year's birthday felt idyllic when that had not proved true beginning when I was twenty-one.

Rather than asking you to backtrack, I've decided to copy a paragraph to which insight was added while editing, yesterday's post:

If you feel curious as to why Monday, December 8, 2014 continued to feel idyllic, though not perfect in every way, let me clue you in as to how that awareness clarified for me:  The general manager of my 'department store' called a meeting, and when every staff member, who contributes to my sense of conscious awareness, was 'present', all of me felt grateful to find myself the recipient of 'the precious present' for these two reasons:  Everyone I love feels healthy.  And everyone I love, loves me!  I mean seriously—what could feel more idyllic to peace of mind than floating through each moment of the day with an attitude as positively simplified as that!  I mean, everyone I love may not have felt happy, that day, but ups and downs are to be expected in every life, right?

I guess it's safe to say that, presently, my idyllic day embraces realististic expectations more peacefully than ever before.  Perhaps that mind shift results when a person's brain actually accepts this fact as sad but true:  Most of what's wrong with the world is beyond my control.  Once that fact has been throughly absorbed, my knowledge of division of labor frees my mind of worrying over that which I cannot improve in favor of setting my sights wholly upon that which is within my reach, and each time my mind wraps around that train of thought, resentment and anxiety lessen, offering my overactive mind much needed downtime to ... float ... until energy expended on mustering courage to overcome many adverse situations, disappointments and subconscious fears, over these past two years, feels restored.

1218 MY DESCRPTION OF AN IDYLLIC DAY Part 1

2014
Once I've described the events of Monday, December 8, 2014, concerning my experience with family, friends (photos, charm, card, dinner, flowers, calls, emails, texts), you'll come to see why the day felt idyllic, though not perfect to me.  The day felt idyllic, not because of what loved ones did for me … The day felt idyllic, because a positive change within my mindset felt complete☺️

Upon awakening on December 8th, my power of intuition reached for my iPad, and while reviewing the post published, previously, I chopped away at any complexity that leaped out at me.   Once the editing process seemed complete, intuition directed my stylus to leap around the keyboard, hitting one letter after another, until my next post wrote itself.

As that's what takes place, pretty much every morning, you might think to ask:  So what was idyllic about that?

To my way of thinking, idyllic suggests my mind, body and spirit feel peaceful.  During this seventh decade of my life (after prioritizing needs of family and friends over my own, since the age of three), nothing satisfies my sense of inner peace so much as feeling free to do exactly as I please.  At this point in my life (and without harboring a hint of self imposed, undeserved guilt), I awaken with the desire to write.  Knowing this to be true, I simplify my life by rarely making any appointments before noon.

If you feel curious as to why Monday, December 8, 2014 continued to feel idyllic, though not perfect in every way, let me clue you into how that awareness clarified for me:  The general manager of my 'department store' called a meeting, and when every staff member, who contributes to my sense of conscious awareness, was 'present', all of me felt grateful to find myself the recipient of 'the precious present' for these two reasons:  Everyone I love feels healthy.  And everyone I love, loves me!  I mean seriously—what could feel more idyllic to peace of mind than floating through each moment of the day with an attitude as positively simplified as that!  I mean, everyone I love may not have felt happy, that day, but ups and downs are to be expected, right?  I guess it's safe to say that my idyllic day embraces realististic expectations more peacefully than ever before.  Perhaps that mind shift results when a person's brain actually accepts this sad fact:  Most of what's wrong with the world is beyond my control.  Once that fact has been throughly digested, my knowledge of division of labor frees my mind of worrying over that which I cannot improve in favor of setting my sights wholly on that which is within my reach, and each time my mind wraps around that train of thought, resentment and anxiety lessen, offering my overactive mind much needed downtime to ... Float until energy expended on mustering courage to overcome many fears, over these past two years, feels restored.

I believe my attitude on December 8th felt more positively focused than ever before for this reason:  Throughout the day, I expressed not even one 'if only'.  This was the first time that I can recall my conscious mind actually accepting life on life's terms without wishing that I could control that which proves beyond my control.

Anyway, while writing, on that particular morning, I consciously chose to deviate from my normal routine by checking caller ID each time the phone rang:  On most days, I hope that people, who know me well, will respect my need to write, uninterrupted, which means I'm unavailable to everyone, except Will and my sons, until such time as my think tank feels free to chat or make plans.  On December 8th, I expected lots of calls, so intuition directed my think tank to feel free to make an exception, suggesting that speaking to many loved ones trumped my need to write uninterrupted.  Each time my department store manager released my think tank to answer a call,  my chosen attitude of tranquility calmed all sensation of frustration from interfering with my sense of inner peace.

Once my department store manager sent a memo to my think tank, suggesting that that day's train of thought felt complete, I agreed to push publish and readied my smile to greet the rest of the day.  Upon looking to speed up my daily groomimg routine, I decided to treat myself to a professional shampoo and blow out, and once that appointment was made, I whistled myself into and out of the shower, colorized the neutral canvass of my face, and after taking good care of my body by working out with my trainer, I chose to do only those errands that did not feel tedious on my to-do list.

Throughout the day my spirit felt heartfully revitalized as calls, texts, emails and cards from family and friends, near and far, wished me well.  Once my chosen errands were complete, I drove home and freely chose to edit at my leisure.  As you can see, I luxuriated in satisfying personal needs throughout the day—suggesting that certain perks, concerning freedom of choice, come with age.

That evening,  I had little idea of what to expect other than knowing that Ravi was too young to go galavanting around, so we planned to celebrate at  home.  When our doorbell rang, Will and I felt eager to welcome Marie, Steven, and our precious two week old grandaughter into our smiling embrace.  When, Angie and Mark, and my nephew, Stu (Jessie had to work) arrived, the intimate nature of our guest list felt realistically complete.

In the past, I'd have lamented the absence of Barry and David, though I knew work kept them from flying home.

Upon offering me my first gift of the evening, Steven placed Ravi in my arms.  Then, he opened a beer and got to work preparing a delicious dinner while Angie poured wine, all around.  As for me, I felt feted, as never before.  Why as never before?  Because in years past, my birthday caused my spirit to stir with discomfort, based in inner conflict, which until recently, remained undefined.

If it's true that nothing, concerning my birthday celebration, described in today's post proved out of the ordinary (with the wondrous exception of Ravi's birth) then I wonder if you've guessed at what may have caused my spirit's conscious sense of inner peace to deepen to the point of choosing words like 'idyllic' and 'tranquil' rather than 'perfect' to describe my state of mind?

1217 OMG! NOT AGAIN!

2014
OMG!
I owe you such an apology!
Why?  Because gleaning insight from my last several posts
Must have felt like swimming through mud!
In all honesty, I've never penned posts that proved as difficult to
Pull out of my think tank as those written, last week
Though it's true that revision proves necessary to simplify complexity
The mere thought of tackling that series of posts in hopes of making
Gains in clarity by way of editing, again, makes me
Want to pull the covers over my head!
However, as complexity of thought frustrates me more than
Diving back into the mud, I'll sift through tons of oysters in hopes of
Retrieving a pearl here or there—and
As you know, my think tank won't quit until
Intuition offers all of me reason to feel at peace … sooo …
As of this moment, here's my plan:
My plan is to move ahead in order to describe the idyllic state of mind that
I experienced on Monday (not Sunday), December 8th, suggesting that
Any further editing will wait until my think tank has
Muscled the readiness to dive into the mud, again!
As today's a really busy day with little time to write—I'll end by
Sending a smile to my neice, who plows through my posts, each evening, once
her four active munchkins  have fallen asleep
She and I spoke, long distance, today, and 'swimming through mud' was
Her description of that which has been pouring out of my mind, as of late—and so
With a grin of chagrin, I'll take my hat off to my niece and
End this post with two simple words:  Well said! :)

1216 PAUSE HIGH SCHOOL ...FRESHMAN YEAR. Part 3

2014
Finally!
Thoughts, comprising post 1213, feel free and clear of confusing complexity!
Editing of post 1215 feels complete!
And amen to that!
So, now that two steps back feels restructured in an organized fashion
Onward we go ...

Now that I've trained myself to be a well organized  department store manager, let's unlock the door to the storage room, where heartfelt emotion stacks up, so we can choose memories with which to decorate the holiday spirit so as to draw 'shoppers', who desire peace and tranquility, into the inner sanctum of our 'loving presence'.  Though window dressing proves fun, enticing and even exciting, the true test of lasting love depends, not upon 'presents' but 'presence' and the department store manager, whose sensitivity to human nature heeds the needs of each shopper, Is one who derives so much pleasure in engaging in heartfelt, open-minded conversations, that seldom does any shopper leave the department store feeling empty handed.  ☺️
And having equated love with heartfelt presence rather than expensive presents, lets see which memory leaps out of the storage room, next:
My idyllic experience, last Monday?
My scary dream?
Or another high school vignette?
Eneey meanie miney ... moe ...

As moe cycled back to my idyllic experience on Monday
I'll describe the events of  December 8, 2014, which
Brings to mind the precious presence of
Family, friends, photos, charm, card, dinner, flowers, surprises, calls, emails, texts
PS
December 8th did not not feel idyllic because of what loved ones did for me ...
The day felt idyllic for this reason:

A positive change in mindset, which proved a long time coming
Felt complete within me ☺️

1215 PAUSE HIGH SCHOOL ...FRESHMAN YEAR Part 2

2014
Guess what???
I'm smiling from ear to ear!
I actually found a question in yesterday's comment box!  Hurray!
Here it is:

AnonymousDecember 12, 2014 at 12:16 PM

The insight that your granddaughter's birth renewed some PTSD has me wondering. Did you have the same fears when you had your own children? Did it wear off or did you just adapt around it?

Astute question!
Though I'm itching to answer, immediately, intuition is cautioning me to ask for your patience.  Please feel assured that once readiness ripens, my memory bank will withdraw a reply that's sure to satisfy your curiosity.

In the meantime, here's a question for you:  Are you aware of why I choose to make use of words like:  intuition, thought processor, think tank, conscious awareness, attitude, mindset, defense system,, memory, subconscious fear, complex emotional reactiveness, denial, attitude, logic, reassessment, brainstorming, insight, readjustment, balance and clarity?

I hope you'll take a moment to ponder that question before seeking my answer, below ...

Each time I write about a decision-making process, I work carefully at word choice for this reason:  I believe, that for the most part, we each consider our brain to be an organ, like the pancreas, kidney or liver, which functions, autonomically, on its own, as a whole, but since the opposite proves true, the precise nature of my choice of words indicates the frequency with which separate portions of our brains can be trained to function in an emotionally mature, knowledgable thoughtful, well balanced fashion.  Though we can't change liver function on the spot and though it's difficult modify our heartbeats when anxiety spikes, we can choose to control many operative functions of our brains, which prove as confusing as they are complex.  Though during childhood, we're taught to control, deny, reject, suppress or repress many natural emotional reactions, it's often true that denial, rejection, suppression and repression fool with our sense of clarity, which, over the long haul, can prove quite unhealthy.

Each time I address a particular portion of my brain, I hope you're watching me work to retrain dysfunctional reactions, based in fears, which, having been repressed due childhood trauma, influence my decision-making process, today.  This hough, at first, I believe my decisions are based in logic, eventually,  my intuitive quest into self discovery offers my think tank insight into those times when my defense system has fooled my think tank into believing that I know why I've chosen to do 'this' instead of brainstorming toward clarity where a balanced state of emotion and logic illuminates that which I really want to achieve at my core.  If you ask how I know when subconscious fear is actively bamboozling my thought processor's sense of clarity, I'll reply:  Once a fearful feeling has usurped control over my think tank's sense of clarity, the expansive nature of my choices seem limited for this reason:  Rather than inspiring a well balanced sense of creativity, fear stimulates feelings of anxious confusion, disorganization, frustration, and as I feel stuck, or head-achy, or somewhat dispirited ... I'm not corny, at all!  Why am I not corny?  As long as fear overshadows clarity, my sense of humor darkens, as well.

Bottomline, a think tank that functions in a well balanced manner considers emotion and logic.  A think tank that's functioning in a well balanced manner discerns those times when the defense system is running the show.  Before courage can gain control over a fearful mindset, I take time out to consider which of my trains of thought prove so closed minded as to limit my view of choices to one track.  Once I gain insight into which mindset is in need of  expansive, attentive reassessment, anxiety is no longer a limiting factor, suggesting that a subconscious mindset, based in unidentified fear, is no longer empowered to bamboozle my sense of logic.  Once my sense of logic feels free to brainstorm with creativity, my think tank is no longer stuck in a rut where a muddied sense of clarity pushes heartfelt goals just beyond my reach ...

Each time I choose to write words like intuition, thought processor, think tank, conscious awareness, attitude, confusion, defense system, anxiety, suppression, repression, memory, subconscious fear, insecurity, complex emotional reactiveness, view point, anxiety, denial, logic, emotion, reassessment, brainstorming, insight, readjustment, balance, clarity, epiphany, courage, patience, step-by-step expansion of mindsets, personal choices and self empowerment leading to the pure joy that accompanies each individuated self assertive actualization, it's my hope that as you read, your think tank is actively absorbing an ever deepening awareness of this fact:  Your brain functions are divided into as many, diverse, interconnected compartments as mine, and as you become practiced at identifying, overseeing and managing each 'department', you'll free your think tank to maintain a well balanced sense of control over the interconnected complexities of your brain's functionality in a manner that proves less subconsciously fearful ,  thus far healthier than ever before.  In short, you'll hire yourself as your own well trained, department store manager, who calls upon the entire operation to brainstorm toward creative, positively focused solutions, which prove workable when courageous attitudes, laced with good humor, prove necessary to achieving a joyful sense of long range success.

As an appointment is drawing close
I'll publish today's train of thought, as it stands, right now
And if editing proves necessary  ...
I'll tackle clarity when time permits ☺️

*1214 PAUSE HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN YEAR Part 1

2014
Whew!
Wednesday's thoughts did not flow out of my mind, naturally.  Though intuition 'knew' what I wanted to say, my conscious mind could not express intuitive thought until my think tank figured out how to describe complex emotional reactions in words that made sense.  As the emergence of each insight, which tumbled out of my mind, proved so complex as to have been written in a jumbled fashion, I'd failed to notice my garbled word choices until that which proved in need of restructuring became obvious during each editing process, which took more than two days to repair.  The difficulty I had writing that post illustrates how deeply intuition had to reach into my core to stop subconscious fear, which kept filtering into my think tank, from discombobulating the organization of insights, which felt need to tumble forth, as fresh and hot as popcorn, popping out of my mind.

As it's taken two days to simplify my first, second and third attempts to describe a mind shift while a
mind shift has actually been restructuring itself within my brain and as my computer whiz is due to arrive, momentarily, to entice my new computer to open old files, I'll leave you to review my determined efforts to repair Wednesday's post—or not.  (Holy smokes!  I just reviewed that post, for the umpteenth time, and much to my surprise, that train of thought is still in need of work!)

Upon awakening, this morning, I had an insight into brain chemistry, which may prove helpful if you decide to revisit Wednesday's post, later today, after I've tightened the editing process, again.

As for now, here's the insight:  Just as with chemistry learned in high school, changes in brain chemistry must take place from within.  Since our mindsets are influenced by brain chemistry, which solidifies positive or negative emotional reactions, I've accepted this fact:  No amount of external prodding can change attitudes, which each of us learned to adopt, early in life, concerning the way we feel about this choice or that choice.  In short, no amount of external prodding can create a lasting shift in another person's internal mind-set.  Knowing that as true, I've been offering you a bird's eye view of the step-by-step process that proves necessary before a string of interrelated insights is empowered to stimulate an intuitive shift in attitude inside my mind, and that shift in attitude does not feel complete, until I experience—epiphany.  Once epiphany, concerning deeper truth is mine, a mindset, which had once felt impossible to change, restructures itself in undeniably doable ways.

Over the past couple of weeks, something about my precious granddaughter's birth caused my mind to shift into PTSD.  The top half of my head actually felt so strangely disorganized that I'd believed PTSD was trying to usurp control over my think tank, day after day.  Then intuition released a series of insights that inspired this epiphany:  My old mindset was actually in the process of shifting away from PTSD in that my brain was actively disassociating from fear of my baby sister's death toward embracing a healthy well-balanced outlook, insuring that my delight in light of Ravi's birth is not darkened in any way by subconsciously associating this precious child with the tragic loss of Janet—and thus has the intuitive portion of my brain been working, on its own, to free my think tank of a negatively focused mindset, which had proved to be associated with yesteryear's unprocessed, subconscious fear!

While my think tank has proved busy, undergoing this restructuring process, my sense of disorientation felt like an episode of PTSD was about to overwhelm me until a swarm of insights consolidated into epiphany, which enlightened my conscious awareness to this deeper truth:  My brain chemistry was actively moving through steps of healing itself—intuitively—from PTSD!

Good gracious!  How miraculous is that!

Though your decisions belong to no one but you, here is why I sincerely hope you'll freely choose to review the newest revision that I've just completed, concerning my need to restructure Wednesday's post, yet again:  Deeper truth suggests that each time we work to reduce the combustible nature of emotional confusion, we purify the 'element' of clarity, which proves paramount to achieving peace of mind.
Your friend,
Annie

1213 HIGH SCHOOL ...FRESHMAN YEAR Part 2

2014
Though Monday, December 8th,  proved idyllic in many ways:
Intuition has been coaching me to place my desire to write about
That experience on hold until my think tank has had time to
Process several emotional reactions, which
Offered my heart reason to enjoy a day of pure delight—
In fact, I believe Monday's experience proved so heartening as to
Provide me with the readiness necessary to release
A newly re-balanced view of memories, concerning high school

Please make no mistake … it's not as if all of my high school memories
Are so dark as to instruct my defense system to block
My conscious mind from writing anything about those four years—
In fact, having gained insight into the ways that our defense systems are
Preprogrammed, I believe my think tank has not received clearance to
Relate high school stories for this reason:

Our defense systems are programmed to transfer
The overwhelming nature of terrifying emotional reactions from
Conscious memory into subconscious storage, thereby protecting
Our sense of sanity from succumbing to spikes of fear or despair, and
As long as my terrified reactions remain stored in
A dark, subconscious (iunprocessed) state, a haunting sense of anxiety
Will continue to block me from writing anything that
Might close in on any topic that's remotely associated with
The dreaded 'secret', which my defense system stuffed into
Unconscious memory beginning during childhood straight through
To my senior year in high school
As of late, intuition suggests that at
Sometime during high school that unconscious memory had reason to
Grow so unbearable as to cause me to itch to
Get out of my skin, and conscious memory suggests
That whatever I can't remember ... As of yet ...
Forbade me from stop sleeping peacefully, night after night

If you think to ask:
If that's true then why did that haunting sense of anxiety not slam the door shut on
Your think tank's freedom to write stories, concerning junior high and
High school, several years back?
I'd reply:
Here's what changed between then and now:
Several years ago, the defensive wall, which
Blocked my conscious mind from 'remembering'
Terrifying reactions stuffed into my subconscious, proved many layers thick
In recent years, the gentle nature of EMDR therapy has enabled me to
Work, step by step, at successfully thinning out
So many of those self protective layers that
My personal sense of vulnerability feels as exposed to
Those raw (unprocessed) emotional reactions, today, as
Had been true when the original experience had catalyzed
Terror to spike so high as to compel my youthful defense system to
Create an amnesiac reaction, thus blocking
Every horrifying detail, associated with
That cumulative experience from
My thought processor's conscious awareness—
In short—my conscious mind took a hike, suggesting my having had
An out of body experience each time Jeckle transformed into Hyde …

If you ask how my body participated in these experiences while
My conscious mind was absent, I'd reply:
My defense system called upon denial to shift
Every horrifying detail of those experiences from
Conscious awareness into subconscious storage, leaving
My conscious mind free to remember only those portions of
That time period, which felt safe and normal, and
That's why I can remember what happened before
The horror began and after it ended, while my defense system
Denies (blocks, forgets, blinds me to) every moment of
Terrifying craziness to which I'd fallen prey, repeatedly ...
Suggesting that my relationship with the pedophile
Continued to feel normal and sane, as long as
My defensive wall remained many layers thick

As to my inability to write about high school during
These past two years
All I know, so far, is this:
The 'secret' began some time before Joseph's utterly unexpected
Impassioned pre-teenaged kiss caught me unaware so—
When he caught me to him, roughly
A spike of subconscious anxiety caused
My defense system to react as though
My very life depended upon fighting him off of me!

Since I had no conscious clue as to why
I'd felt such an overwhelming need to push Joseph away
It was impossible to explain my reaction to either of us—until
Decades later, when a psychologist, asked me to
Describe my first kiss, and after listening intently to
My story, he responded with:
Annie—you need to learn why you fought off a boy, who'd proved to be
Your first love, with such force as to make him feel
So rejected that none of your affection could penetrate
The self-protective wall that his defense system erected after
You'd beaten him around his head …

Whew!  Are you coming to see how complex
Emotional reactions prove to be until
Strings of insights, which emerge from subconscious memory
One by one, link together while I write?
Can you sense my power of intuition coaching
My conscious mind to gain the courage necessary to
Strip another layer of defensiveness away in order to
Free my think tank to process each
Painful piece of information that relates to
The dreaded secret, suggesting my readiness to
Dive ever more deeply into subconscious memory—day by day?
Can you see that each time my adult sense of readiness musters
The courage necessary to unlock an old mindset, which
Fear had slammed shut when I was a child
My thought processor feels free to reconsider
An expanded view of choices, which
My  haunted sense of anxiety had deemed off limits, before?
Can you see that in the absence of insight into subconscious fear—
Lumbering around in the dark side of my mind—decisions, which
D emand an ever deepening sense of emotional maturity, remain delayed?

If you think today's description, concerning that which
Takes place inside my brain each time
Subconscious anxiety filters into my conscious mind, has been
Easy to express in writing, Please think again!
My chest is heaving; my heart is racing and
I feel a huge lump of revived anxiety tightening my throat …

If you ask why none of those reactions were re-activated, seventeen years ago, when
My conscious memory wrote the original version of First Kiss—I'll repeat:
Many layers of my wall of denial, which protected my conscious mind from
'Remembering' even one detail of the insanity that I'd suffered when
My body was manhandled by an 'unidentified' predator have thinned out
Therefore, while writing the original version of First Kiss
Defensive amnesia had created a mindset that offered me
Not one hint of the 'horrendous secret' that I'd kept under lock and key before
My subconcious reaction pushed Joseph away, at which time
My defense system felt reason to release a spike of anxiety, which
Neither he nor I could understand—however—
Now that my self protective wall has thinned out—
My defense system stands ready to alert me to the fact that
My courage had better remain steady as one detail after another filters
Into my conscious mind, if not today then tomorrow!
And each time my defense system alerts me by releasing
An unidentified spike of anxiety, thank goodness, intuition guides me to
Tame my fear of the past in order that
Subconscious reactiveness does not usurp control over my conscious mind—

Each time you watch me become aware of
Fear pushing a personal goal beyond my reach
You'll see my think tank call upon my line of control to
Set its focus on brainstorming until
My thought processor functions so well as to
Achieve positively focused goals, which prove heartfelt, at last—
For example,  my positively focused attitude is
Determined to conquer fear until
This 'secret' has been exorcised from my mind

On Tuesday morning, appointments left me with no time to write.
Later that afternoon, I engaged in a session of EMDR, which
Must have stimulated a subconscious sense of readiness to
Reveal another detail, because that night
I dreamt about an experience that heighlighted
Another puzzle piece concerning the mysterious secret, which
My conscious memory has been unable to recall

Though this dream proved scary
It offered me insight into why
I've been unable to write high school stories
Over these last few years, and when I describe
This dream in a post, you'll see why any thought of
Revealing details about my dating life, during
Those four years, feels associated with
Revealing details, concerning that secret, suggesting that
A fearful sense of close-minded resistance
Locked up my sense of readiness to explore any
Portion of my high school years—until
An emergence of personal strengths stripped away
Another layer of my defensive wall—this week ☺️

If you ask what may have caused such a positive change, I'll reply:
I believe that while engaging yesterday's session of EMDR
A growing sense of self confidence mustered
The courage necessary to release a scary detail, which
Had been locked in deep storage within
My subconscious until that detail dreamed its way into
My conscious awareness while I slept, last night …

When I relate this dream to you and connect it to
The series of demeaning social encounters described in
Bully for Me and First Kiss, your understanding of
My misperceived belief—which
Deemed me unworthy of love unless
I proved myself constantly perfect in
Every way—may deepen immeasurably

Then, if I explain the reasons why
My experience on Sunday felt idyllic
I believe you'll come to see how
Three separate trains of thought, which
Comprise today's post, prove interrelated …
And as that's all the time I have for writing before
One of my book clubs convenes, this afternoon
I wonder what tomorrow's post will reveal:
The unsettling nature of that dream?
My idyllic experience on Sunday?
Yet another high school vignette?
Or a train of thought that seems totally unrelated?
Having opened all of these windows ...
Your guess is as good as mine ...
Uh ... Need I suggest that while rereading
My last post, my memory bank revealed
Additional details, which have been included in Monday's storyline …
..