651 BY JOVE—I DID IT!! :)

By jove—I did it!!! :)

After letting go of futile attempts to find a solution, I chose to sleep on the problem, and low and behold, my brain awoke rested enough to figure out a simple way to regulate yesterday's unruly font.

All I had to do was to copy the entire post into a new document, reconfigure the font in a space separate from my blog, and copy that newly reconfigured document, here.

In truth, I've done that before.  But while my body (brain)was busy fighting a bug, my processor just couldn't think straight, till today.

Don'tcha just love it when a solution to a problem is a lot more simple than you'd thought, at first glance?

Needless to say, more editing took place ... so if you're looking for every insight that may brighten your spirit on a rainy day, you might give today's revised train of thought one more spin around the track.  For those of you rolling your eyes—no problem—to reread or not is always a matter of choice :)

Upon reflecting over post 546 PREQUEL TO HIGH SCHOOL, what did Annie learn after her defense system pummeled Joseph's fumbling preteen passion?  Unfortunately, nothing.  Not one insight, concerning love, life or human vulnerability came clear for many a year ...

*If asked, today, what did Annie need to learn back then, I'd reply, she had need to learn lessons that do not come clear until a person consciously musters the courage to choose a path where defense mechanisms are identified.  Once we learn to identify our own defense mechanisms, the ego cannot block the development of our sixth sense, which has the potential to enrich our lives by expanding narrow minded perceptions thus allowing us to mature into self aware adults ...

*Annie needed to learn how to identify dark spots inside her mind where she'd kept secrets from herself, concerning experiences too scary to remember with accuracy.

*Annie needed to learn how often these haunting secrets arose like specters pummeling her self worth—most especially at times when problems arose that seemed too heavy, too confusing, too complex to solve on her own.

*Annie’s sixth sense had need to take control over a space in her mind where her thought processor felt free to dive in deep enough to think clearly for herself.  Though thinking for oneself can feel lonely, even scary, Annie had need to unlock the door to open sesame moments where she felt free to absorb insight into a series of experiences where the narrow mindsets of others came clear.

Though at first, this new sense of clarity into past experiences caused Annie’s hold on reality to spin, eventually, Annie’s expanded view of herself allowed her to unload baggage, which left unexplored, had weighed her spirit down.  As Annie unloaded baggage filled with narrow judgments, the agility of her mind was no longer blocked from visualizing bigger pictures.

As bigger pictures came clear, Annie's rebalanced views of reality offered her mind such a strong foundation in self trust that she no longer felt lonely if others looked askance when her deepest thoughts were exposed.  And if you ask why Annie rarely felt lonely, I'd reply, with clarity came courage, purpose and mission.  Not mission to reform closed minds but rather mission to inform open minds, young enough to listen for deeper truth as hungrily as she had learned to speak of deeper truth, eagerly.  Once Annie's thought processor took control over reactiveness, she exchanged loneliness for asking questions.  And for the most part, the answers she received were so positive that whatever negativity she'd turned upon herself would evaporate so rapidly that her sense of courage had good reason to grow more bold.

With the passage of time, Annie became accustomed to bigger pictures coming clearly into view, and by and by, she was shocked to identify those subconscious secrets, which had caused specific basic needs to numb up way before her defense system had lashed out at an innocent boy, who’d won her love when she was twelve.

Annie needed to identify reasons why undeserved guilt had shaped her into such a selfless creature as to value the needs of everyone else above her own.

Annie needed to identify why trust, won over time, seemed to disappear into thin air as soon as a loved one’s smile turned upside down.

Annie needed to learn that we cannot place lasting trust in others until trust in self worth permeates those darkly wounded spots within our minds enough to encourage us to venture forward out of ruts where life got stuck, step by step, less fearfully, more courageously into the great unknown.

Annie needed to learn that denial and defensiveness are indivisible.  Get a clear view of one and the other appears just like magic.  Get a clear view of both and suddenly, your mind's eye spies a fork in the road that leads out of the maze, and by leading yourself forward upon this new path, life offers up experiences where distorted visions of self perceptions straighten out.  And next thing you know, you are leading yourself toward uncovering unmet needs, languishing within your core, which may have been sensed but not identified ... And once your spirit of self trust grows strong enough to develop a sixth sense, never again can narrow mind sets suggest that meeting one’s basic needs makes you fragile or selfish.  In fact, meeting one's basic needs is a healthy choice.

And thus, my friends, Annie had need to learn that denying or dismissing her basic needs had been unhealthy—and anyone who told her otherwise and called her selfish was clearly—thoughtless.

Though it's a tough road for a pleaser to walk, Annie had need to develop the thought provoking portion of her brain.  Then she'd needed to develop a voice filled with conviction rather than pain.  As you can imagine, all of this brain remodeling stuff demanded a courageous thirst for knowledge and compassion for mankind's vulnerabilities, which matched her own.  Thank goodness Annie came to realize that over her lifetime, she had developed an abundance of both. :) 

Need I remind you that at twelve years old, Joseph and Annie did not know that love in its purest form is less about being appreciated and more about enhancing your appreciation of the positive side of life?  That love in its purest form is not about mind control but about embracing the freedom to develop a voice that enables you to find your own way home into the depths of your core?

Being twelve years old, Annie and Joseph could not have developed the emotional maturity to comprehend that love, in its purest form, creates an active state of open absorption of thoughts by which we each lead ourselves toward compassionate forgiveness of yesterday’s transgressions.

In the absence of emotional maturity, neither Annie nor Joseph could actively rein in their natural defensive reactions.  Rather than wearing expressions of sadness, strengthened by extending words of forgiveness, flowing from a well filled with mutual trust, we hid behind defensive masks and clung to silent, stony shields.

As long as neither had a clue as to how to explore layers of emotion that we’re taught not to feel or at least hide from view, we found it impossible to expose the devastation that separation brought to both.

*The transparency of layered devastation became exquisitely clear when my defense system relaxed, allowing my mind to withdraw memories, which appear in the series of posts titled FIRST KISS.  And those memories are enhanced—not by my ego revising history but rather by insight streaming freely from the well springs of my spirit's sixth sense.

*Before one person can be true to another, one musters the courage to be true to oneself, meaning that layers of turbulence are awakened and once sleeping spectrums are rumbling, we confront them, deep within.  At twelve, I could not reveal the depth of my emotion for Joseph.  I could not expose the depths of our unexplored connection, back then, any more than I can explain the depth of emotion, that arises whenever I think of everything that seemed to unfold between us as though all on it's own, even today.  I mean, why had some need in me singled out Joseph?  Why not another good looking, high spirited boy in our class?  Since biblical times, scribes continue to attempt to describe the magnetic powers of our connective sixth sense, more commonly known as 'chemistry'?

Perhaps if we can get a handle on 'chemistry', we'll get a handle on the causes of emotional devastation leading to divorce.  Perhaps that's where my blog is leading me.  Who knows?  Not me.  At least, not yet.  :)

At twelve, we had no clue that a sixth sense had connected our spirits within a sense of emotional safety that allowed us to lower our defenses ... at first.

At twelve, we had no clue that being appreciated is a passive state, whereas developing an awareness of accepting each other's vulnerabilities challenges two active minds to conjure up positively focused reactions each time confusion or turmoil ensues.  That it's the strength of existential connection that sustains a growing sense of couplehood when illness, confusion or turmoil hits one or the other.

At twelve, we had no clue that a person who responds to a negative situation with a hopeful attitude is one who remains connected to a conscious awareness of self control based in a strong sense of emotional maturity.  At twelve we had no clue that each person’s level of emotional maturity is based in self esteem.  And that self esteem is a many layered thing.

*If attitude is everything then emotional maturity (self discipline) acts as the hub of a well oiled mind.  Another way to say well oiled is—well balanced.  Organized.  An organized mind is one that learns when to let the wild thing run free and when to rein it in in hopes that the thought processor will think deep enough to resolve a conflict before a problem looms so large as to get way out of hand ...

A well organized mind does not resemble a junk drawer, where insights are dumped on the floor.

A well organized mind compartmentalizes insights, so that yesterday's issues do not grow so layered as to cause new conflicts to mix in with the old until life, in general, grows too complex to figure out, over time.

Two heads are better than one when both are organized to help each other to seek and reconnect to clarity.

Need a simple example of simplifying complex layers of self control?

When my kids were young

I limited (controlled) their intake of Pepsi at parties.

When my kids were teens

I hoped they'd develop the wisdom to choose Pepsi more often than beer.

If you think me naive ... I agree :)

On the other hand, here’s where balance comes into the mix:

I recognized each teen ager's need to experiment with lessonS in maturing toward Self control, just as I continue to climb each next rung on a ladder that requires deeper thought at each stage of life.

As maintaining an upward climb does not get easier with age, I figure out how to live up to my values, some of which are in need of adjustment, without awarding myself a halo of sainthood.  If asked why sainthood doesn’t work for me, I reply:  Each time my ego pats itself on the back, somehow I find myself slipping back, in need of mustering the courage to climb an old rung or eat my words, or wipe egg off my face, again.  Being human means been there done in terms of re-evaluation, repeatedly.

Today, I concentrate most of my energy on consciously re-evaluating choices that life offers me in hopes of living within a set of limits that allows me to meet my needs while breathing as naturally and freely as a responsible, yet vulnerable, human being can do—without sprouting wings.  Though the path I choose to walk may be surprising to some, it works for me for this reason:  My mind remains grounded in a set of values, which, by day, allows my heart to relax and offers my spirit a sense of joy while, as a whole, I sleep soundly—most nights.

When an unlikely situation presents me with a new puzzle, I work to figure out how this piece complements my life as a whole. 

When asked to name traits, which act as spokes, attached to a hub of a well organized mind, SIX TRAITS come to mind:

Courage to seek clarity when confusion causes vulnerability to erupt

Humility to see painful truths as they exist

Compassion for the plight of those whose needs conflict with my own

Creative solution seeking techniques that inject
Humor into each stage of life

Generosity of spirit, extending forgiveness toward those who cannot muster the courage necessary to expose vulnerabilities in need of strengthening within

Hmmm—six traits—sixth sense—wonder if that points to connection circling round???

I believe the need to feel appreciated creates tension.

I believe tension, due to feeling unloved, blocks us from loving generously.

*Once we concentrate on loving rather than on being loved, fear of not being loved enough diminishes.

And now that you know why I choose to love wholeheartedly
Let me admit to this awareness as well:

This attitude that I've chosen to adopt of loving whole/heartedly
Rather than than defensively is not easy!!!!
Loving whole heartedly is not passive.
Loving whole heartedly is an active exercise
I choose for my mind—every day
And here is the up side:

My choice to love openly, mindfully, whole heartedly
Is the main stay of my spirit. :)

And hopefully by now ...
*We can surmise that the strong hearted nature of my spirit
Is directly connected to the positive side of my mind
Combining with conviction inherent in the clarity of my voice :)

If a person hopes to achieve an uncommon level of loving—openly, courageously, mindfully and wholesomely—meaning with a greater sense of purity (not to be confused with egocentric streaks of sainthood) then that person's thought processor (Neo cortex) must gain control over the reptilian, reactive portion of the brain (the amygdala), where ego, fearful memories and negative attitudes reign supreme, tying our thought processors in complex knots which keep our attitudes stuck in yesterday's ruts.

To love generously one consciously chooses to think generous thoughts ...

To think generously one chooses to feel well nourished

To feel generously nourished one's attitude refocuses on the positive

To focus on life's positives one offers others, who may love deeply but defensively or just quietly, the benefit of the doubt ...

We say attitude is everything for this reason:

Attitude shapes what we feel, think, say and choose to do

Want to jump start some aspect of your life that has stalled?

Guess what may be in need of change most of all?

Gosh!

You have no clue how long I've been waiting for a vehicle (story line) to pop out of my mind in hopes of expressing the fact that both sides of human nature vie for space inside every mind—many times every day!  How strange it is to know that illness rather than story telling is the vehicle that my mind was waiting for ...

Though this next line, found within a fortune cookie, turned up in a previous post, I believe this thought stands repeating—btw this fortune is taped to my computer:

The desire of love is to give; the desire of lust is to get

It takes more courage to love others openly and honestly than to satisfy desire whenever lust raises its head—and speaking from experience—truer words were never spoken ...

If I could find Joseph, today, I'd apologize for pummeling his fumbling lunge-grab-kiss during our first shared experience of preteen passion.

Standing before Joseph, I'd openly admit to my quest to learn why his lunge-grab-kiss scared me enough to beat the poor guy all around his unsuspecting head.  Tried to google him.  No luck.  No show at any reunion since high school graduation.  Can't remember his even being at graduation.  Remember him wounded in Viet Nam.  Saw him on crutches.  Encountered a strange conversation with his mom.  That story to come.  When?  When it pours out of my memory bank, naturally.  Some day.  For some reason that I can't fathom, today's not the day.

As for now ... I continue to make a conscious effort not to knock anyone else around who may care for me, deeply but defensively or just quietly while focusing a portion of my energy on figuring out why the sudden lunge of a preteen boy scared me so thoroughly as to have made me miss the affection inherent in his impassioned reaction to my answer—yes, I'll go to the party with you—yes, I had no clue as to why you got smacked instead of kissed—yes I'd longed to run out to meet you and walk with you though I'd hidden behind the drape with tears of fear cascading down my face—yes—I still miss you, because feeling as close to you as I did when I was twelve felt more natural to me than words can describe ... and yes—decades later, I'm still trying to piece together the layers of emotional complexity that caused my defense system to strike out, hurtfully, instead of simply and naturally exposing my deepest self to you—openly  ...

If life's connective mysteries are in need of sleuths, eager to seek clues that make sense of what on the surface seems like nonsense, I am one of those sleuths.  Why?  Because generally speaking ...

I believe today's emotional mysteries are based in past experiences, which may seem unrelated but, in truth, are interconnected, and that is why I faithfully remain ...

Your detective friend,

:) Annie

PS  If you still see my attitude as naive ...

Some how naiveté works wonders for my spirit ...

Especially when I'm not well
So instead of feeling even worse ...

My mind is working to dig itself out of a dark spot

By searching for a bright insight

That may lighten my spirit and warm my heart

While my immune system is hard at work
Figuring out how to rid my body of a stubborn bug

That's causing too many of my systems to feel ill, deep inside ...

I mean, if I have to be alone with myself for days on end

I may as well be with someone who is actively behaving

Like Annie's positively focused friend :)

PSS

Today, body must be in the process of healing, itself

Why?

Yesterday brain too foggy to entertain me with deep thinking

BTW

Draft written in Veranda; let's click on publish; see if blog virus is gone :)

Once again for good measure:  Don't cha just love it when a solution to a problem is a lot more simple than you'd a thought, at first glance?

PS  Wait until I tell you what happened when I called the doctor ... talk about keeping your spirit up when the body is sick, the brain feels flaky and life flings you an extra curve!