Sunday, March 31, 2013

654 FAMILY ASSIGNMENTS, CHANGE AND DRAMA ... HMMMM ...

Here's an interesting thought to ponder found in Reader's Digest:
"Each person plays a certain role in the family.  These roles are typically assigned organically rather than intentionally, and they may not even match up well with each person's strengths.  'The funny one' may not be the funniest; 'the smart one' may not be the smartest.  Like it or not ... these family assignments are very sticky and usually don't budge without some sort of ... drama that rips the family apart."

Chugging forward along that track, the quiet one may not feel peaceful; the brightest smile may act as a shield, masking tears collecting within a well that hides a secret deep inside.

Years ago, I took care of a friend's children for a weekend.
Watch the little one, cautioned my friend, pointing to the child she thought would miss her most.  So, I watched and what transpired was the opposite of what my friend believed.

While the little one's spirit demonstrated independent thought throughout the weekend, the older child fretted over this and that until the doorbell announced the mother's return.

Just as we tend to identify our own traits with inaccuracy, we may lose sight of objectivity when judging the traits of others we think to know well.

It seems to me that children who develop into pleasers, early on, may have spent too much time watching an authority figure slinging stinging words around that squash the spirits of those who test boundaries set in stone.  Clearly that was the case in the home of my birth, where my decision making process was certain not to bend a rule, much less break one.  In short, my subconscious (survival mechanism) decision to smile brightly in agreement while swallowing any sense of inner conflict turned me into a habitual 'yes girl' at home.  And if I scratched my arms raw while skipping merrily on my way, who was any wiser to the fact that one day this good girl's defensive trait was bound to rebel?

Though born with a strong, independent spirit, I grew to be a pleaser, who chose not to make waves in hopes of staying clear of wrestling matches where the wrath of he or she who yelled loudest, longest, won over all.

Upon growing up and choosing to devour a wealth of knowledge based in family communications, which expanded my viewpoints, my 'yes girl' trait began to ask questions that created lots of tension.  Need I suggest that this turn around, which caused heads to spin, did not take place over night?  It takes years to absorb a wealth of knowledge, and though I'd absorbed that knowledge openly in plain sight, no one is eager to look in to see where new schools of thought may be pointing at less than perfect traits in one self.  Sooo over time, step by step, little by little, year after year ... guess who—no matter how compassionate my thoughts and gentle my words—wore out before developing into a wave-maker extraordinaire?

When as an adult in my middle years, I made the tormenting choice to change my position in our extended family, I did not become fragile or selfish or go off the deep end, as I'd been told ... In fact rather than losing my mind, I changed my mind in this way:  Once clarity shone a spotlight on the fact that my needs, clearly voiced for quite some time, continued to fall on deaf ears, a bigger picture clarified for me in that my old decision-making pathways, which had consistently chosen passive routes, had need to rebel.

My new path, which had focused upon developing new patterns of thought, proved thorny for this reason:  Once I stopped bowing (unknowingly) in fear of facing tension building up and chose to stand up for my needs and beliefs, there was no way that anyone could pressure me to return to my emotionally repressed role of acting like everyone's complacent-eager-to-find-solutions-cuddly-teddy-bear.

Once I began to say 'no that won't work for me' and then chose time out, rather than entering the ring and engaging in a fight, no one had a clue what to make of me or what to do with me.  Though I refused to power struggle and no matter how creative my thought process became, I could not open closed mind sets to the concept of win-win—except for a trio of brains who, having grown up in my house, had been spoon fed that nourishing concept since birth.

In short, thought patterns acquired by my mind when I was free to mature into the me I am, today, no longer fit into the extended family puzzle, anymore.  Once one puzzle piece does not fit, the entire picture of family life changes in ways that can not be foreseen by any who have not walked in that family's footsteps nor by those who have not pulled the rug off of all of the undercurrents, where toil and trouble have been piling up for years with no end in sight ... as of yet ...

Once my spirit held hands with strength of mind, supported by knowledge, my childish need for acceptance lessened‚ and since you already know which six traits (see post 651) combined to create that healthy change in me, let's circle back to the beginning of this post and recap the fact that lasting change does not come without internal upheaval—otherwise known as family drama—all around ...

Saturday, March 30, 2013

653 CYCLING FROM DARK TO BRIGHT :)

You've often heard me say the mind has two sides ... dark and bright
You may remember my choice to quiet my voice when 'wait and see' seems to be the most effective response when listeners' ears are closed.

Having spent more than five minutes in the company of a brain such as mine, can you tell when the dark side of my mind grabs control over the bright side ... which thank goodness sparkles strongly and naturally, most often, because that's who I know myself to be at my core?


I wonder if you realize that the strength of my spirit guides and adjusts my decision making machine?  I wonder if that's true of you?  Or if after airing your thoughts, does your inner strength wain?  Or do your cockles rankle when others disagree?  In truth, fess up ... How would your family suggest that your think tank reacts when conflict gets your dander up at home?  Would your family state your reactiveness emotes:  You're with me or against me ... No questions asked, no buts about it ... It's my way or the highway; all attempts at discussion circle round, same old, same old, nothing is resolved, end results go no place that feel good to anyone involved?


When it comes to heightening your sense of awareness, do you realize how frequently attitude and choice feel like one and the same?

For example, let's consider fearful attitudes:  During conflict how quickly does tension cause your mind to quake so that self confidence implodes, which proves costly when decisions, concerning your spirit's welfare, are under consideration.  If you agree that it's wise to consider thoughts, which might expand upon our own then common sense suggests that disagreement need not make the boldness of one's spirit fold.


I wonder if you realize that my awareness of harboring a junk drawer inside my brain separates me from most others who have no clue that one's inability to tolerate tension, produced by inner conflict, is the culprit that ultimately wrecks our most vital relationships?  Each time my junk drawer flies open, ghosts from the past suck at my self confident strengths till I can plainly see the real cause of my spirit's collapse.  Once I came to see that my strengths collapsed each time specific individuals made their presence known to me, my attitude about our relationship adjusted ... And as attitude shifts occurred, consciously, i felt empowered to disenfranchise the presence of those individuals from sucking the strength out of my spiritual strengths.


Thank goodness my spirit's thirst for solution seeking knowledge is never quenched.  As in what came first, the chicken or the egg? ... Well let's consider this train of thought that's beginning to chug round a mindful track inside my head  ...


If like the earth revolving around the sun
My stream of conscious thought injects my spirit
With bright beams of energetic strength
Emanating from within my core permeating my brain with healthy thoughts
Pulsing lust for the best life has to offer through my blood
Then I am responsible for getting
That junk drawer inside my mind to close up shop
Why?
Because each time that junk drawer is closed up good and tight
My mind is open to absorb healthy schools of thought
And Resultant of healthy thought
Vulnerability vanishes
Allowing me to experience
The thrill of believing myself not at all invisible but honestly
Invincible ... until ...
Something pokes at a dark spot
Causing that junk drawer to fly open ...
And my self confidence slips into the murky past until
My spirit succeeds in freeing its energizing strength
Which inspires me to climb up that ladder of self esteem
Where rungs, made of insights
Spotlight solid beliefs that inject my mind
With bright thoughts, highlighting  traits
I've worked to acquire
And as hard won acquired  traits, along with insight into deeper truths
Lift my self esteem to greater heights
I manage to shut that junk drawer, again and again ...
Whew!
Being a person can feel as thorny as a rose garden ...
Which no one promised me
So I had to plant one for myself
And every now and then
I need to rid my mind of weeds in hopes of
Relaxing my mind amidst the flowers
Which grew from a dreamscape within a young adult's mind
Into the reality of the expanded life that I choose as my own, today  :) 

And as this, my friends, is what is known as

Stream of consciousness describing the human condition ...
All I can say—in addition to—oy vey—is this:
When it comes to reconditioning my mind
Your friend, Annie, will not stay stuck or slip back
Into a dark spot where insecurity looms tall, over all
For very long, ever again :)

In addition to yours truly, do you know anyone who may benefit from questioning whether a junk drawer is in need of cleaning out, from time to time?  And ... for clarity's sake, please do not assume I'm referring to you but perhaps someone you love very much whose self esteem may have gotten stuck in a drawer filled with junk, early on?  :)


My brain seems to be clearing itself of heavy duty virus, today ... hopefully, immune system is getting the jump on the bug, will pin it to the mat and win this wrestling match, at last!


Slept all day, yesterday.

Seems like conscious mind needed to conk out
In order for brain to redirect energy
Toward immune system working overtime to beat tough bug :)
As brain is signaling need for more rest ...
Nuff mind nourishing food for thought for today :)

Friday, March 29, 2013

652. SORRY ...

Guess writing while brain is fighting bug is not one of my best ideas
Just reviewed the end to yesterday's post
And was not happy with how I left you hanging
So here's what happened when I ...
Called internist, learned he could not see me till Monday
Called ENT doc, learned he could not see me till Monday
No solution in sight to on-going problem
Darkened my mind and left me in need of venting ... Unhappily!
Solid example of the needs of others conflicting with my own
Awoke today, head aching, even more congested, bereft of energy, again
Thoughts of lying low, feeling as limp as a lox
Losing this round in my bout with the bug
For three more days utterly dispiriting
Good thing I've learned to move with the times and
As Monday feels months away
'Enough is enough!' came into play
Chose to take action
Made appts for Monday AND
Googled Urgent Care
No surprise that a half hour later, during exam
Congestion turns up here there everywhere ...
Most especially in ...
One ear cloudy
One lung lightly wheezy
The key word being lightly ...
And that's the up side of not waiting passively till Monday
Had I not felt irritated enough to take action, today
Who knows how complicated ear and lung problem may have become
Up side number two?
No one was waiting when I walked into urgent care
Waiting room filled with red nosed sneezers when I left
Glad I took Fate into my hands and thanked Lady Luck
Went home with Inhaler and antibiotic prescribed
Shivering ...
Slipped into plaid flannel p.j. s
Reserved for times just like this
Slept another day away
Just awoke with two hopes
One, that tomorrow will find me
Out of bed ... on my way
And two,  that you are feeling better than me
As for right now, imagine me
With small smile on pale face
Tissues and O.J. In hand
Glad to have considered my needs seriously
Looking forward ... Positively :)

Thursday, March 28, 2013

651 BY JOVE—I DID IT!! :)


By jove—I did it!!! :)
After letting go of futile attempts to find a solution, I chose to sleep on the problem, and low and behold, my brain awoke rested enough to figure out a simple way to regulate yesterday's unruly font.

All I had to do was to copy the entire post into a new document, reconfigure the font in a space separate from my blog, and copy that newly reconfigured document, here.

In truth, I've done that before.  But while my body (brain)was busy fighting a bug, my processor just couldn't think straight, till today.

Don'tcha just love it when a solution to a problem is a lot more simple than you'd thought, at first glance?

Needless to say, more editing took place ... so if you're looking for every insight that may brighten your spirit on a rainy day, you might give today's revised train of thought one more spin around the track.  For those of you rolling your eyes—no problem—to reread or not is always a matter of choice :)

Upon reflecting over post 546 PREQUEL TO HIGH SCHOOL, what did Annie learn after her defense system pummeled Joseph's fumbling preteen passion?  Unfortunately, nothing.  Not one insight, concerning love, life or human vulnerability came clear for many a year ...

*If asked, today, what did Annie need to learn back then, I'd reply, she had need to learn lessons that do not come clear until a person consciously musters the courage to choose a path where defense mechanisms are identified.  Once we learn to identify our own defense mechanisms, the ego cannot block the development of our sixth sense, which has the potential to enrich our lives by expanding narrow minded perceptions thus allowing us to mature into self aware adults ...

*Annie needed to learn how to identify dark spots inside her mind where she'd kept secrets from herself, concerning experiences too scary to remember with accuracy.

*Annie needed to learn how often these haunting secrets arose like specters pummeling her self worth—most especially at times when problems arose that seemed too heavy, too confusing, too complex to solve on her own.

*Annie’s sixth sense had need to take control over a space in her mind where her thought processor felt free to dive in deep enough to think clearly for herself.  Though thinking for oneself can feel lonely, even scary, Annie had need to unlock the door to open sesame moments where she felt free to absorb insight into a series of experiences where the narrow mindsets of others came clear.


Though at first, this new sense of clarity into past experiences caused Annie’s hold on reality to spin, eventually, Annie’s expanded view of herself allowed her to unload baggage, which left unexplored, had weighed her spirit down.  As Annie unloaded baggage filled with narrow judgments, the agility of her mind was no longer blocked from visualizing bigger pictures.

As bigger pictures came clear, Annie's rebalanced views of reality offered her mind such a strong foundation in self trust that she no longer felt lonely if others looked askance when her deepest thoughts were exposed.  And if you ask why Annie rarely felt lonely, I'd reply, with clarity came courage, purpose and mission.  Not mission to reform closed minds but rather mission to inform open minds, young enough to listen for deeper truth as hungrily as she had learned to speak of deeper truth, eagerly.  Once Annie's thought processor took control over reactiveness, she exchanged loneliness for asking questions.  And for the most part, the answers she received were so positive that whatever negativity she'd turned upon herself would evaporate so rapidly that her sense of courage had good reason to grow more bold.

With the passage of time, Annie became accustomed to bigger pictures coming clearly into view, and by and by, she was shocked to identify those subconscious secrets, which had caused specific basic needs to numb up way before her defense system had lashed out at an innocent boy, who’d won her love when she was twelve.

Annie needed to identify reasons why undeserved guilt had shaped her into such a selfless creature as to value the needs of everyone else above her own.

Annie needed to identify why trust, won over time, seemed to disappear into thin air as soon as a loved one’s smile turned upside down.

Annie needed to learn that we cannot place lasting trust in others until trust in self worth permeates those darkly wounded spots within our minds enough to encourage us to venture forward out of ruts where life got stuck, step by step, less fearfully, more courageously into the great unknown.

Annie needed to learn that denial and defensiveness are indivisible.  Get a clear view of one and the other appears just like magic.  Get a clear view of both and suddenly, your mind's eye spies a fork in the road that leads out of the maze, and by leading yourself forward upon this new path, life offers up experiences where distorted visions of self perceptions straighten out.  And next thing you know, you are leading yourself toward uncovering unmet needs, languishing within your core, which may have been sensed but not identified ... And once your spirit of self trust grows strong enough to develop a sixth sense, never again can narrow mind sets suggest that meeting one’s basic needs makes you fragile or selfish.  In fact, meeting one's basic needs is a healthy choice.


And thus, my friends, Annie had need to learn that denying or dismissing her basic needs had been unhealthy—and anyone who told her otherwise and called her selfish was clearly—thoughtless.

Though it's a tough road for a pleaser to walk, Annie had need to develop the thought provoking portion of her brain.  Then she'd needed to develop a voice filled with conviction rather than pain.  As you can imagine, all of this brain remodeling stuff demanded a courageous thirst for knowledge and compassion for mankind's vulnerabilities, which matched her own.  Thank goodness Annie came to realize that over her lifetime, she had developed an abundance of both. :) 

Need I remind you that at twelve years old, Joseph and Annie did not know that love in its purest form is less about being appreciated and more about enhancing your appreciation of the positive side of life?  That love in its purest form is not about mind control but about embracing the freedom to develop a voice that enables you to find your own way home into the depths of your core?

Being twelve years old, Annie and Joseph could not have developed the emotional maturity to comprehend that love, in its purest form, creates an active state of open absorption of thoughts by which we each lead ourselves toward compassionate forgiveness of yesterday’s transgressions.

In the absence of emotional maturity, neither Annie nor Joseph could actively rein in their natural defensive reactions.  Rather than wearing expressions of sadness, strengthened by extending words of forgiveness, flowing from a well filled with mutual trust, we hid behind defensive masks and clung to silent, stony shields.


As long as neither had a clue as to how to explore layers of emotion that we’re taught not to feel or at least hide from view, we found it impossible to expose the devastation that separation brought to both.

*The transparency of layered devastation became exquisitely clear when my defense system relaxed, allowing my mind to withdraw memories, which appear in the series of posts titled FIRST KISS.  And those memories are enhanced—not by my ego revising history but rather by insight streaming freely from the well springs of my spirit's sixth sense.

*Before one person can be true to another, one musters the courage to be true to oneself, meaning that layers of turbulence are awakened and once sleeping spectrums are rumbling, we confront them, deep within.  At twelve, I could not reveal the depth of my emotion for Joseph.  I could not expose the depths of our unexplored connection, back then, any more than I can explain the depth of emotion, that arises whenever I think of everything that seemed to unfold between us as though all on it's own, even today.  I mean, why had some need in me singled out Joseph?  Why not another good looking, high spirited boy in our class?  Since biblical times, scribes continue to attempt to describe the magnetic powers of our connective sixth sense, more commonly known as 'chemistry'?


Perhaps if we can get a handle on 'chemistry', we'll get a handle on the causes of emotional devastation leading to divorce.  Perhaps that's where my blog is leading me.  Who knows?  Not me.  At least, not yet.  :)

At twelve, we had no clue that a sixth sense had connected our spirits within a sense of emotional safety that allowed us to lower our defenses ... at first.

At twelve, we had no clue that being appreciated is a passive state, whereas developing an awareness of accepting each other's vulnerabilities challenges two active minds to conjure up positively focused reactions each time confusion or turmoil ensues.  That it's the strength of existential connection that sustains a growing sense of couplehood when illness, confusion or turmoil hits one or the other.

At twelve, we had no clue that a person who responds to a negative situation with a hopeful attitude is one who remains connected to a conscious awareness of self control based in a strong sense of emotional maturity.  At twelve we had no clue that each person’s level of emotional maturity is based in self esteem.  And that self esteem is a many layered thing.

*If attitude is everything then emotional maturity (self discipline) acts as the hub of a well oiled mind.  Another way to say well oiled is—well balanced.  Organized.  An organized mind is one that learns when to let the wild thing run free and when to rein it in in hopes that the thought processor will think deep enough to resolve a conflict before a problem looms so large as to get way out of hand ...

A well organized mind does not resemble a junk drawer, where insights are dumped on the floor.

A well organized mind compartmentalizes insights, so that yesterday's issues do not grow so layered as to cause new conflicts to mix in with the old until life, in general, grows too complex to figure out, over time.

Two heads are better than one when both are organized to help each other to seek and reconnect to clarity.

Need a simple example of simplifying complex layers of self control?
When my kids were young
I limited (controlled) their intake of Pepsi at parties.
When my kids were teens
I hoped they'd develop the wisdom to choose Pepsi more often than beer.
If you think me naive ... I agree :)

On the other hand, here’s where balance comes into the mix:
I recognized each teen ager's need to experiment with lessonS in maturing toward Self control, just as I continue to climb each next rung on a ladder that requires deeper thought at each stage of life.

As maintaining an upward climb does not get easier with age, I figure out how to live up to my values, some of which are in need of adjustment, without awarding myself a halo of sainthood.  If asked why sainthood doesn’t work for me, I reply:  Each time my ego pats itself on the back, somehow I find myself slipping back, in need of mustering the courage to climb an old rung or eat my words, or wipe egg off my face, again.  Being human means been there done in terms of re-evaluation, repeatedly.

Today, I concentrate most of my energy on consciously re-evaluating choices that life offers me in hopes of living within a set of limits that allows me to meet my needs while breathing as naturally and freely as a responsible, yet vulnerable, human being can do—without sprouting wings.  Though the path I choose to walk may be surprising to some, it works for me for this reason:  My mind remains grounded in a set of values, which, by day, allows my heart to relax and offers my spirit a sense of joy while, as a whole, I sleep soundly—most nights.

When an unlikely situation presents me with a new puzzle, I work to figure out how this piece complements my life as a whole. 

When asked to name traits, which act as spokes, attached to a hub of a well organized mind, SIX TRAITS come to mind:

Courage to seek clarity when confusion causes vulnerability to erupt
Humility to see painful truths as they exist
Compassion for the plight of those whose needs conflict with my own
Creative solution seeking techniques that inject
Humor into each stage of life
Generosity of spirit, extending forgiveness toward those who cannot muster the courage necessary to expose vulnerabilities in need of strengthening within

Hmmm—six traits—sixth sense—wonder if that points to connection circling round???

I believe the 
need to feel appreciated creates tension.
I believe tension, due to feeling unloved, blocks us from loving generously.

*Once we concentrate on loving rather than on being loved, fear of not being loved enough diminishes.

And now that you know why I choose to love wholeheartedly
Let me admit to this awareness as well:
This attitude that I've chosen to adopt of loving whole/heartedly
Rather than than defensively is not easy!!!!
Loving whole heartedly is not passive.
Loving whole heartedly is an active exercise
I choose for my mind—every day
And here is the up side:
My choice to love openly, mindfully, whole heartedly
Is the main stay of my spirit. :)
And hopefully by now ...
*We can surmise that the strong hearted nature of my spirit
Is directly connected to the positive side of my mind
Combining with conviction inherent in the clarity of my voice :)

If a person hopes to achieve an uncommon level of loving—openly, courageously, mindfully and wholesomely—meaning with a greater sense of purity (not to be confused with egocentric streaks of sainthood) then that person's thought processor (Neo cortex) must gain control over the reptilian, reactive portion of the brain (the amygdala), where ego, fearful memories and negative attitudes reign supreme, tying our thought processors in complex knots which keep our attitudes stuck in yesterday's ruts.

To love generously one consciously chooses to think generous thoughts ...
To think generously one chooses to feel well nourished
To feel generously nourished one's attitude refocuses on the positive
To focus on life's positives one offers others, who may love deeply but defensively or just quietly, the benefit of the doubt ...

We say attitude is everything for this reason:
Attitude shapes what we feel, think, say and choose to do

Want to jump start some aspect of your life that has stalled?
Guess what may be in need of change most of all?

Gosh!
You have no clue how long I've been waiting for a vehicle (story line) to pop out of my mind in hopes of expressing the fact that both sides of human nature vie for space inside every mind—many times every day!  How strange it is to know that illness rather than story telling is the vehicle that my mind was waiting for ...

Though this next line, found within a fortune cookie, turned up in a previous post, I believe this thought stands repeating—btw this fortune is taped to my computer:

The desire of love is to give; the desire of lust is to get

It takes more courage to love others openly and honestly than to satisfy desire whenever lust raises its head—and speaking from experience—truer words were never spoken ...

If I could find Joseph, today, I'd apologize for pummeling his fumbling lunge-grab-kiss during our first shared experience of preteen passion.

Standing before Joseph, I'd openly admit to my quest to learn why his lunge-grab-kiss scared me enough to beat the poor guy all around his unsuspecting head.  Tried to google him.  No luck.  No show at any reunion since high school graduation.  Can't remember his even being at graduation.  Remember him wounded in Viet Nam.  Saw him on crutches.  Encountered a strange conversation with his mom.  That story to come.  When?  When it pours out of my memory bank, naturally.  Some day.  For some reason that I can't fathom, today's not the day.

As for now ... I continue to make a conscious effort not to knock anyone else around who may care for me, deeply but defensively or just quietly while focusing a portion of my energy on figuring out why the sudden lunge of a preteen boy scared me so thoroughly as to have made me miss the affection inherent in his impassioned reaction to my answer—yes, I'll go to the party with you—yes, I had no clue as to why you got smacked instead of kissed—yes I'd longed to run out to meet you and walk with you though I'd hidden behind the drape with tears of fear cascading down my face—yes—I still miss you, because feeling as close to you as I did when I was twelve felt more natural to me than words can describe ... and yes—decades later, I'm still trying to piece together the layers of emotional complexity that caused my defense system to strike out, hurtfully, instead of simply and naturally exposing my deepest self to you—openly  ...

If life's connective mysteries are in need of sleuths, eager to seek clues that make sense of what on the surface seems like nonsense, I am one of those sleuths.  Why?  Because generally speaking ...

I believe today's emotional mysteries are based in past experiences, which may seem unrelated but, in truth, are interconnected, and that is why I faithfully remain ...
Your detective friend,
:) Annie

PS  If you still see my attitude as naive ...
Some how naiveté works wonders for my spirit ...
Especially when I'm not well
So instead of feeling even worse ...
My mind is working to dig itself out of a dark spot
By searching for a bright insight
That may lighten my spirit and warm my heart
While my immune system is hard at work
Figuring out how to rid my body of a stubborn bug
That's causing too many of my systems to feel ill, deep inside ...
I mean, if I have to be alone with myself for days on end
I may as well be with someone who is actively behaving
Like Annie's positively focused friend :)

PSS
Today, body must be in the process of healing, itself
Why?
Yesterday brain too foggy to entertain me with deep thinking
BTW
Draft written in Veranda; let's click on publish; see if blog virus is gone :)

Once again for good measure:  Don't cha just love it when a solution to a problem is a lot more simple than you'd a thought, at first glance?

PS  Wait until I tell you what happened when I called the doctor ... talk about keeping your spirit up when the body is sick, the brain feels flaky and life flings you an extra curve!

650 BY JOVE ... I THINK I'VE GOT IT ...

Please stay tuned
Because after resting my brain overnight
My thought processor may have figured out
A simple way of resolving yesterday's dilemma
Which, in case you forgot
Concerned my inability to control post 649's stubborn font ... :)

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

649 THIS IS TOO CONFUSING TO UNDERSTAND

I've been saving myself from losing my mind while ill, today, by trying to edit an older post in my blog.  On the other hand, while working to edit this post something about the editing process is causing me to lose my mind.  You see, no matter what I've done, the old version ends up being saved, again and again.  In hopes of updating post 546 to match thoughts that make better sense to me, today, I've been cutting and pasting the original post, repeatedly.  And as I've just finished editing it for the umpteenth time and am about to direct my mouse to click on 'publish', yet again, please wish me luck, because, I think my most recent thoughts have been saved ... but for some inexplicable reason, I still can't regulate the font!  As feeling ill has shortened my line on patience, I'd best accept this fact:  Regulating my thoughts is more important than taxing my patience by continuing to work at adjusting the font, which is beginning to feel like spending too much time perfecting the small stuff in life—know what I mean?  So now that my awareness has accepted the fact that today's post has a stubborn streak of its own, let's ignore inexplicable font irregularities in favor of considering this next train of thought with which I chose to occupy my mind and time, today :)


Upon reflecting over post 546 PREQUEL TO HIGH SCHOOL, what did Annie learn after her defense system pummeled Joseph's fumbling preteen passion?  Unfortunately, nothing.  Not one lesson, concerning love, life or human vulnerability came clear for many a year ...

If asked, today, what did Annie need to learn back then, I'd reply, she had need to learn lessons that do not come clear until we muster the courage to choose a path where childish defense mechanisms can not block us from expanding our minds in hopes of maturing into self aware adults ...


Annie needed to learn about dark spots inside her mind where she'd kept secrets from herself, concerning experiences too scary to remember with accuracy.


Annie needed to learn how often these haunting secrets arose like specters pummeling her self worth.


Annie needed to experience a series of open sesame moments where insight into narrow mindsets offered a clear view of experiences that had blocked her from being true to herself for decades.


Annie needed to identify reasons why undeserved guilt had shaped her into such a selfless creature as to set the needs of everyone else above her own.


Annie needed to learn that denial and defensiveness are indivisible.  Get a clear view of one and the other appears just like magic.  Get a clear view of both and suddenly, the maze of your mind spies a fork in the road, where a new path offers experiences in which distorted visions of self perceptions straighten out, leading you toward discovering unmet needs, languishing within your core, which may have been sensed but not identified ... And once awareness breathes life into these needs, never again can they be dismissed or denied.


Need I remind you that at twelve years old, Joseph and Annie did not know that love in its purest form is less about being appreciated and more about enhancing your appreciation of the positive side of life?


Being twelve years old, Annie and Joseph had not developed the emotional maturity to comprehend that love, in its purest form, creates an active state of compassionate forgiveness.


In the absence of emotional maturity, neither Annie nor Joseph could actively rein in their defensive reactions.  Rather than wearing sadness, offering forgiveness on our faces, we clung to shields and hid behind defensive masks.  As we were not true to the depth of emotion, hidden from view, we could not expose the depths of our devotion to ourselves, much to less to each other.


Before a person can be true to another, one must muster the courage to confront the depth of turbulence rumbling deep within.  At twelve, I could not reveal the truth of my emotion for Joseph without expressing the depths of unexplored connection, which had arisen, as though on its own, between us.  Why Joseph?  Why not another good looking, high spirited boy in our class?  Since biblical times, scribes have been trying to describe the magnetic powers of this sixth sense, commonly known as 'chemistry'?


At twelve, we had no clue that a sixth sense had created a sense of safety that allowed us to lower our defenses ... at first.  At twelve, we had no clue that being appreciated is a passive state, whereas developing an awareness of accepting each other's vulnerabilities challenges an active mind to conjure up positively focused reactions.


At twelve, we had no clue that a person who responds to a negative situation with a hopeful attitude is one who demonstrates a conscious awareness of self control based in a strong sense of emotional maturity.  That one's level of emotional maturity is based in self esteem.


*If attitude is everything then emotional maturity (self discipline) acts as the hub of a well oiled mind.  Another way to say well oiled is—well balanced.  Organized.


A well organized mind does not resemble a junk drawer.

A well organized mind compartmentalizes lessons learned, so that yesterday's lessons do not confuse today's issues, which tend to grow complicated, over time.

A simple example of simplifying complex layers of self control?

When my kids were young I limited (controlled) their intake of cokes at parties.
When my kids were teens, I hoped they'd choose coke more often than beer.
If you think me naive ... I agree :)
On the other hand, I also recognized each teen ager's need to experience lessons in maturing toward self control, just as I did.

Today, I figure out how to live up to my values without awarding myself a halo of sainthood.


Today, I continue to consciously evaluate choices that life offers me in hopes of living within a set of limits that allow my needs to breathe as naturally and freely as a responsible ... yet vulnerable ... human being can do—without sprouting wings.  Though the path I choose to walk may be surprising to some, my mind remains grounded in values that allow my heart to relax and enjoy life by day while, as a whole, I sleep soundly—most nights.


When a situation presents me with a puzzle, I work to figure out how this piece compliments my life as a whole. 


If asked to name traits, which act as spokes, attached to this hub of a well organized mind, I'd reply:


Courage to seek clarity when confusion erupts

Humility to see painful truths as they exist
Compassion for the plight of those whose needs conflict with my own
Creative solution seeking techniques that inject humor into each stage of life
Generosity of spirit, which extends forgiveness toward those who cannot muster the courage necessary to expose vulnerabilities in need of strengthening within

Hmmm—six traits—sixth sense—wonder if that spells out connection circling round???


I believe the need to feel appreciated creates tension.

I believe tension, due to feeling unloved, blocks us from loving generously.  Once we concentrate on loving rather than on being loved, fear of not being loved enough diminishes.  And now that you know why I choose to love wholeheartedly, let me admit to this awareness as well ...

This attitude that I've chosen to adopt of loving whole/heartedly rather than than defensively is not easy!!!!  Loving whole heartedly is not passive.  This is an active exercise I choose for my mind—every day.  And there's lots of up sides!  In fact ...


My choice to love openly, mindfully, whole heartedly is the main stay of my spirit. :)


And by now, clarity surmises that the strong hearted nature of my spirit is directly connected to the positive side of my mind. :)


If a person hopes to achieve an uncommon level of loving—openly, courageously, mindfully and wholesomely—meaning with a greater sense of purity (not to be confused with a stubborn streak of sainthood) then that person's thought processor (Neo cortex) must gain control over the reptilian, reactive portion of the brain (the amygdala), where ego, fearful memories and negative attitudes reign supreme.

To love generously one consciously chooses to think generous thoughts ...

To think generously one chooses to feel well nourished
To feel generously nourished one's attitude focuses on the positive
To focus on life's positives one offers others, who may love deeply but defensively, the benefit of the doubt ...

We say attitude is everything for this reason:


Attitude shapes what we feel, think, say and choose to do


Want to change some aspect of your life, which has stalled?

Guess what may be in need of change most of all?

Gosh!
You have no clue how long I've been waiting for a vehicle (story line) to pop out of my mind in hopes of expressing the fact that both sides of human nature vie for space inside every mind—many times every day!

Though this next line, found within a fortune cookie, turned up in a previous post, I believe this thought stands repeating—btw this fortune is taped to my computer:


The desire of love is to give; the desire of lust is to get


It takes more courage to love others openly and honestly than to satisfy desire whenever lust raises its head—and speaking from experience—truer words were never spoken ...


If I could find Joseph, today, I'd apologize for pummeling his fumbling lunge-grab-kiss during our first shared experience of preteen passion.


Standing before Joseph, I'd openly admit to my quest to learn why his lunge-grab-kiss scared me enough to beat the poor guy all around his unsuspecting head.  Tried to google him.  No luck.  No show at any reunion since high school graduation.  Can't remember his even being at graduation.  Remember him wounded in Viet Nam.  Saw him on crutches.  Encountered a strange conversation with his mom.  That story to come.  When it pours out of my memory bank, naturally.  Some day.  For some reason that I can't fathom, today.


As for now ... in addition to my making a conscious effort not to knock anyone else around who may care for me, deeply but defensively, I focus on figuring out why the sudden lunge of a preteen boy scared me so thoroughly as to have made me miss the affection inherent in his impassioned reaction to my answer—yes, I'll go to the party with you—yes, I'll long to run out to meet you and walk with you whenever I can—yes—I'll miss you, forever, because feeling as close to you as I did when I was twelve felt more natural to me that I can describe ... and yes—decades later, I'm still trying to piece together the emotional complexity that caused my defense system to strike out, hurtfully, instead of simply and naturally kissing you back  ...


If life's connective mysteries are in need of sleuths, eager to seek clues that make sense of what on the surface seems like nonsense, I am one of those sleuths.  Why?  Because generally speaking ...


I believe today's emotional mysteries are based in past experiences, which may seem unrelated but, in truth, are interconnected, and that is why I faithfully remain ...

Your detective friend,
:) Annie

PS  If you still see my attitude as naive ...

Some how naiveté works wonders for my spirit ...
Especially when I'm not well and instead of feeling ill or lonely ...
My mind is working to dig itself out of a dark spot
By searching for a bright insight
That may lighten my spirit and warm my heart
While my immune system is figuring out
How to rid my body of a stubborn bug
That's causing me feel ill or lonely, deep inside ...
I mean, if I have to be alone with myself for days on end
I may as well be with someone who is actively behaving
Like Annie's positively focused friend :)

PSS

Today, body must be in the process of healing, itself
Why?
Yesterday brain too foggy to entertained me with this kind of thinking
BTW
Draft written in Veranda; let's click on publish; see if blog virus is gone :)

648. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ...

Enough is enough ...
How does one know when enough is enough?
That changes from person to person ...
As for me ... I sense a strong need to call the doctor, today ...

Monday, March 25, 2013

647. FROM CUE TO FLU

When last we met
I took a cue from you
Then life took an unexpected turn ...
Over this past week
I've been down with the flu
A really mean flu
Meaning that illness has
Dizzied every system in my body ...
Head aching
Eyes tearing
Nose sneezing
Brain reeling
Throat raw
Chest tight
Stomach loose
Limbs all ashiver
Too hot
Too cold
No appetite at all
Having made my dizzied way into bathroom
Next thing I knew ...
Couldn't remember
If I'd downed two extra strength excedrine or not
Must be at least a tad better, today than yesterday
Because up until just now
Too miserable to let you know
What's kept me too busy (???) to write ...
Sure hope you're feeling better than me!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

646 TAKING A CUE FROM YOU :)

Hmmm ...
So I noticed in stats that quite a few of you read post 546 PREQUEL TO HIGH SCHOOL part 6, today.

That inspired me to go back and review whatever train of thought chugged fortth from my mind 100 posts ago.

While reading, the editing process took over and insights were added, which might interest you ...

Though I wish a portal into my memory could open where stories would flow out in order on demand, my defense system remains intent on blocking my conscious mind from walking straight toward an experience buried deep within my core.

For those of you who muster the patience to hold my hand as courage motivates me to venture forth, step by step, ever more deeply into this subconscious maze, I extend my heartfelt thanks.

As post 546 was written 100 posts ago ...
We clearly see that excavating subconscious mysteries is far from easy
So if you ask ... Annie, why persist?
I'd reply ...
Liberating peace of mind is like mining till striking gold
Every nugget uncovered leads me closer to identifing the mother lode of undeserved guilt...
Which, I aim to unload
And with thoughts of retrieving inner peace lost during childhood ...
I remain your never-give-up-on-learning-to-understand-my-own-contradictions, detective friend,
:) Annie

Monday, March 18, 2013

643 REFLECTING OVER POST 19, WRITTEN IN 2011


Every new stage of life is a jack in the box that offers an unexpected surprise!

When the subject is love (or life) we have no clue what to expect next.

I awoke during the night, needing to write down these next thoughts.  Then upon reawakening, I decided they were worth sharing with you:

I've come to see that taking time to clean out my mind is like re-organizing my closet.  Imagine what my closet would look like if I'd kept everything from childhood that does not fit the adult I am, today.

Imagine how hard it would be to make decisions if I had to sort through countless 'shoulds', which had fit at an earlier stage of life but serve to clutter my mind with mounds of confusion and undeserved guilt, today.

If I don't clean out my mind, from time to time, then how long might it take me to size up solutions, which best fit problems that pop up, today?

What if yesterday's problems must be confronted, resolved, and swept out the door before love feels less painful, more trusting—before life feels less confusing, more hopeful.  Less stressful, more peaceful ...

When we're young, our closets fill with the choices of others.  If, as adults, we try to stuff ourselves into choices deemed appropriate by past generations then how narrow must our comfort zones remain?  I mean how limited might my wing span be if Mother Nature didn't poke at my instincts and force me to fly into the future, free to develop uniquely into the me I need to be?

So it becomes plain to see that cleaning out the closet of my brain is like sorting through roots while experimenting with wings.  As my closet is filled with tradition as well as existential beliefs, I've got my work cut out for me. 

While working through the process of reorganizing my mind, my comfort zones expand.  Each time I feel the need to spin myself into a cocoon, my brain works toward reprocessing some aspect of my self esteem until a slowly creeping caterpillar develops a set of wings.  However, if you open my cocoon before my metamorphosis et finis, imagine what you'd see?  Not a pretty sight, right?

In order that my self worth doth not depend upon the narrowness of my waist, I'd better get back to work at reprocessing my mind to view the person I've grown to be, today.  Good grief, Charlie Brown, looks to me like I've got some serious closet cleaning to do.  I mean, where in the world did these gingham bloomers come from?  Passed down from Grandma's mind to mine is a likely guess.

Though Grandma's bloomers, fit just fine during her life time, common sense suggests I ask which of her values (or Mom's or Dad's) squeeze my mind into a space too small for my mind to grow into yours truly  :) 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

642 LET'S SEE IF I CAN GET A STORY TO OPEN UP ON ITS OWN :)

Sooo ... let's see if a story opens up on its own if I just start writing whatever comes to mind ...

My oldest son, a bachelor, is dating a woman with two munchkins, ages barely three and just past one.  Lately, he's been calling the child whisperer for advice.

It's my guess that's how my son thinks of me, because he grew up in a home where children were taught that compassion for a siblings feelings received accolades, whereas swinging bats at each other's vulnerabilities received consequences.  In the house where 'my three sons' grew from munchkins to manhood, adults did not place small fry in the hot seat or whip round balls into square pegs.  Instead, all three were treated like big fish in that each line cast in hopes of reeling them in encouraged small fry to develop a boatload of personal strengths.  While growing toward adulthood, one day at a time,  each child FELT encouraged to view himself and each other as a unique individual, meaning that the leader, encouraging each one to feel natural in his own skin, was not looking to clone a matched set.  In this house, we learned how to celebrate each other's achievements and supported each other when bereavement followed loss.  In this house, family life revolved around enriching our minds by developing a mutually respectful understanding of each others' ups and down.

If asked how positive discipline got its start in our home, I'd reply ... the adult in charge of modeling self control for a trio of munchkins got lucky while sitting on a park bench, lamenting the fact that she was close to losing her mind.  The fact that this adult admitted to having no clue what to do allowed her neighbor to offer a suggestion that made more sense than anything this young parent had ever heard.  And low and behold, after taking her neighbor's suggestion to heart, the inventive minds of single purposed munchkins chose to follow their leader—cooperatively, which differs greatly from obediently.

When asked why that about face came to pass, I smile while replying ...Once this child-whisperer-in-training recognized the difference between creating a high spirited sense of cooperation vs. wrestling a resentful attitude of obedience to the mat, she challenged herself to stay on top of a brand new game.  And the name of this positively focused game was and is:  Win Win :)

Before I offer you examples of how this particular child whisperer reeled in such a fruitful catch, it may be helpful to show you how she retrained her brain :)  So with brain training in mind, let's return to that bench at the park, which I'd mentioned in post 620: ANNIE BECOMES MOM OF TWO Chapter one.  

Imagine me as a twenty something, stymied mom of two munchkins.

One munchkin is two and a half years old
The second is less than one
I'm sitting on a park bench next to a neighbor
This neighbor has one little girl, who is the same age as my second son
If you wonder why a veteran like me would take advice from a rookie
Then you're missing a vital piece of the picture I'm painting:
You see, during the first few years of parenthood, we're all rookies
Therefore reflection deems it wise for every rookie on the bench
To open eyes, ears and mind to seriously consider any suggestion
Hinting at knowledge that's passed from mouth to mouth
Today, I thank my lucky stars ...
For choosing to retrain my brain
By opening both eyes, both ears
And the intelligent side of my mind rather than
Listening to my neighbor
With an attitude of egocentric, closed minded negativity
And now—let's leap forward at least a decade on the time line from
When I was rookie on the bench
Toward a time in my life
When the inventive side of my mind had worked patiently
To become a certified family communication's instructor ... 
Honored to have been featured as
Keynote speaker at
The International Association of Nannies ...
BTW ... I chose to throw that detail in so you'd accept my credibility
Without feeling a need to take you through
Twenty five years of my professional life ...
Though, over time, each of those years is bound to show up
On your screen within a post yet to come :)