Here's an interesting thought to ponder found in Reader's Digest:
"Each person plays a certain role in the family. These roles are typically assigned organically rather than intentionally, and they may not even match up well with each person's strengths. 'The funny one' may not be the funniest; 'the smart one' may not be the smartest. Like it or not ... these family assignments are very sticky and usually don't budge without some sort of ... drama that rips the family apart."
Chugging forward along that track, the quiet one may not feel peaceful; the brightest smile may act as a shield, masking tears collecting within a well that hides a secret deep inside.
Years ago, I took care of a friend's children for a weekend.
Watch the little one, cautioned my friend, pointing to the child she thought would miss her most. So, I watched and what transpired was the opposite of what my friend believed.
While the little one's spirit demonstrated independent thought throughout the weekend, the older child fretted over this and that until the doorbell announced the mother's return.
Just as we tend to identify our own traits with inaccuracy, we may lose sight of objectivity when judging the traits of others we think to know well.
It seems to me that children who develop into pleasers, early on, may have spent too much time watching an authority figure slinging stinging words around that squash the spirits of those who test boundaries set in stone. Clearly that was the case in the home of my birth, where my decision making process was certain not to bend a rule, much less break one. In short, my subconscious (survival mechanism) decision to smile brightly in agreement while swallowing any sense of inner conflict turned me into a habitual 'yes girl' at home. And if I scratched my arms raw while skipping merrily on my way, who was any wiser to the fact that one day this good girl's defensive trait was bound to rebel?
Though born with a strong, independent spirit, I grew to be a pleaser, who chose not to make waves in hopes of staying clear of wrestling matches where the wrath of he or she who yelled loudest, longest, won over all.
Upon growing up and choosing to devour a wealth of knowledge based in family communications, which expanded my viewpoints, my 'yes girl' trait began to ask questions that created lots of tension. Need I suggest that this turn around, which caused heads to spin, did not take place over night? It takes years to absorb a wealth of knowledge, and though I'd absorbed that knowledge openly in plain sight, no one is eager to look in to see where new schools of thought may be pointing at less than perfect traits in one self. Sooo over time, step by step, little by little, year after year ... guess who—no matter how compassionate my thoughts and gentle my words—wore out before developing into a wave-maker extraordinaire?
When as an adult in my middle years, I made the tormenting choice to change my position in our extended family, I did not become fragile or selfish or go off the deep end, as I'd been told ... In fact rather than losing my mind, I changed my mind in this way: Once clarity shone a spotlight on the fact that my needs, clearly voiced for quite some time, continued to fall on deaf ears, a bigger picture clarified for me in that my old decision-making pathways, which had consistently chosen passive routes, had need to rebel.
My new path, which had focused upon developing new patterns of thought, proved thorny for this reason: Once I stopped bowing (unknowingly) in fear of facing tension building up and chose to stand up for my needs and beliefs, there was no way that anyone could pressure me to return to my emotionally repressed role of acting like everyone's complacent-eager-to-find-solutions-cuddly-teddy-bear.
Once I began to say 'no that won't work for me' and then chose time out, rather than entering the ring and engaging in a fight, no one had a clue what to make of me or what to do with me. Though I refused to power struggle and no matter how creative my thought process became, I could not open closed mind sets to the concept of win-win—except for a trio of brains who, having grown up in my house, had been spoon fed that nourishing concept since birth.
In short, thought patterns acquired by my mind when I was free to mature into the me I am, today, no longer fit into the extended family puzzle, anymore. Once one puzzle piece does not fit, the entire picture of family life changes in ways that can not be foreseen by any who have not walked in that family's footsteps nor by those who have not pulled the rug off of all of the undercurrents, where toil and trouble have been piling up for years with no end in sight ... as of yet ...
Once my spirit held hands with strength of mind, supported by knowledge, my childish need for acceptance lessened‚ and since you already know which six traits (see post 651) combined to create that healthy change in me, let's circle back to the beginning of this post and recap the fact that lasting change does not come without internal upheaval—otherwise known as family drama—all around ...
"Each person plays a certain role in the family. These roles are typically assigned organically rather than intentionally, and they may not even match up well with each person's strengths. 'The funny one' may not be the funniest; 'the smart one' may not be the smartest. Like it or not ... these family assignments are very sticky and usually don't budge without some sort of ... drama that rips the family apart."
Chugging forward along that track, the quiet one may not feel peaceful; the brightest smile may act as a shield, masking tears collecting within a well that hides a secret deep inside.
Years ago, I took care of a friend's children for a weekend.
Watch the little one, cautioned my friend, pointing to the child she thought would miss her most. So, I watched and what transpired was the opposite of what my friend believed.
While the little one's spirit demonstrated independent thought throughout the weekend, the older child fretted over this and that until the doorbell announced the mother's return.
Just as we tend to identify our own traits with inaccuracy, we may lose sight of objectivity when judging the traits of others we think to know well.
It seems to me that children who develop into pleasers, early on, may have spent too much time watching an authority figure slinging stinging words around that squash the spirits of those who test boundaries set in stone. Clearly that was the case in the home of my birth, where my decision making process was certain not to bend a rule, much less break one. In short, my subconscious (survival mechanism) decision to smile brightly in agreement while swallowing any sense of inner conflict turned me into a habitual 'yes girl' at home. And if I scratched my arms raw while skipping merrily on my way, who was any wiser to the fact that one day this good girl's defensive trait was bound to rebel?
Though born with a strong, independent spirit, I grew to be a pleaser, who chose not to make waves in hopes of staying clear of wrestling matches where the wrath of he or she who yelled loudest, longest, won over all.
Upon growing up and choosing to devour a wealth of knowledge based in family communications, which expanded my viewpoints, my 'yes girl' trait began to ask questions that created lots of tension. Need I suggest that this turn around, which caused heads to spin, did not take place over night? It takes years to absorb a wealth of knowledge, and though I'd absorbed that knowledge openly in plain sight, no one is eager to look in to see where new schools of thought may be pointing at less than perfect traits in one self. Sooo over time, step by step, little by little, year after year ... guess who—no matter how compassionate my thoughts and gentle my words—wore out before developing into a wave-maker extraordinaire?
When as an adult in my middle years, I made the tormenting choice to change my position in our extended family, I did not become fragile or selfish or go off the deep end, as I'd been told ... In fact rather than losing my mind, I changed my mind in this way: Once clarity shone a spotlight on the fact that my needs, clearly voiced for quite some time, continued to fall on deaf ears, a bigger picture clarified for me in that my old decision-making pathways, which had consistently chosen passive routes, had need to rebel.
My new path, which had focused upon developing new patterns of thought, proved thorny for this reason: Once I stopped bowing (unknowingly) in fear of facing tension building up and chose to stand up for my needs and beliefs, there was no way that anyone could pressure me to return to my emotionally repressed role of acting like everyone's complacent-eager-to-find-solutions-cuddly-teddy-bear.
Once I began to say 'no that won't work for me' and then chose time out, rather than entering the ring and engaging in a fight, no one had a clue what to make of me or what to do with me. Though I refused to power struggle and no matter how creative my thought process became, I could not open closed mind sets to the concept of win-win—except for a trio of brains who, having grown up in my house, had been spoon fed that nourishing concept since birth.
In short, thought patterns acquired by my mind when I was free to mature into the me I am, today, no longer fit into the extended family puzzle, anymore. Once one puzzle piece does not fit, the entire picture of family life changes in ways that can not be foreseen by any who have not walked in that family's footsteps nor by those who have not pulled the rug off of all of the undercurrents, where toil and trouble have been piling up for years with no end in sight ... as of yet ...
Once my spirit held hands with strength of mind, supported by knowledge, my childish need for acceptance lessened‚ and since you already know which six traits (see post 651) combined to create that healthy change in me, let's circle back to the beginning of this post and recap the fact that lasting change does not come without internal upheaval—otherwise known as family drama—all around ...